The Shadows of the Past

by Golden Flame 611

When 17-year-old Riza, recently enrolled in the military academy, gets pregnant by Roy, she must make the difficult decision to separate from her baby to protect him from the military and the consequences of breaking the anti-fraternization law. Years later, unaware of her son's whereabouts, he would return to her as the Fullmetal Alchemist, Edward Elric. (Parental, Royai, EdWin)

3. Guilt and regret

A/N: Hi! :) Thank you so much for all your favs, follows and review! 3 We really appreciate it and we hope that you enjoy the course that this story will take since we have a long way ahead hehe

Please, let us know your opinions, suggestions and critiques so we can improve day by day.

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Golden and Flame

Disclaimer: Fullmetal Alchemist characters don't belong to us. We are just having fun with them.

---

Chapter 3. Guilt and regret

It had been 2 weeks since Roy should have received Riza's monthly call but, to his concern, she had not done so, which was really strange since she had not failed to do so in the last year. He had no way of contacting her and that bothered him since, if it were up to him, he would call her every day, but he had no choice but to accept this since it was the only thing Riza was allowed to do. These last two weeks of delay had him extremely worried. Is she okay? Did something happen to her? What if she needs me and I don't even know where she is? These were the questions that were weighing him down these last few days. He was going crazy.

Every call he received at his apartment made him excited hoping that it was Riza and that he could find the relief he needed so much in those moments. But contrary to his expectations and wishes, that very night he received a call from his best friend.

"Hey, Roy! How are you, buddy?" greeted Maes Hughes cheerfully.

Roy sighed heavily. "Hey, Hughes." He replied without much encouragement.

"Hey why so much enthusiasm in greeting me?" Maes said sarcastically.

"Nothing, what's up?" Roy realized too late that he had asked a lousy question, asking Hughes that was equivalent to spending hours on the phone listening to him talk about his search for the love of his life.

To Roy's surprise, Hughes passed up the opportunity to begin his typically long-winded talk about love. "Hey, seriously are you okay? I hear you weird and you never ask me openly about my life?" Maes asked with a concerned tone.

Roy inhaled deeply before answering. "It's nothing, I'm fine. Really."

"Well seriously I'm telling you, you're not. Stop pretending and tell me what's going on, man. You know perfectly well that you can't fool me."

It was true, Maes was a very intelligent and intuitive man, not to mention that he was his best friend, almost his brother, so he knew him pretty well. The only people who knew him more than him were his mother and of course Riza.

"I'm worried about Riza." He replied simply.

Maes was perfectly aware of his relationship with her, even at the academy he used to tease him when he caught him writing or reading the letters they sent to each other.

"Did something happen to her?" he asked with much concern as he knew what Riza represented to his friend.

"I don't know, Hughes. She calls me without fail every month, which is when her school allows her to, but last month I didn't get her call and that has me worried."

"You have no way of contacting her?"

"No, she told me that in the educational program she's in they are very strict and that's why it's best that she calls me when she has the opportunity."

"Come on, man, maybe she had too much work and that's why she hasn't called you. Wait for the next call date, I'm sure she'll call you on that one."

"I hope so, Hughes, otherwise I'm going to go crazy."

Maes laughed lightly. "You see? That's why you should have listened to me and married her when we finished the academy. Then you could see her every day."

And how could he forget it. Ever since Roy and Maes became good friends and Maes found out about Roy's relationship, he kept pestering him continuously to tell him to marry her when they got out of the academy.

Roy snorted. "Hughes, you know perfectly well that I had nothing to offer her back then. It wouldn't have been right to ask my mother to provide for her."

Maes only laughed. "But it's different now, buddy. You're a state alchemist and have a good position in the military for your age. You can certainly offer her your love and financial stability."

"You make it sound so easy."

"Don't tell me that Roy Mustang, the great Fire Alchemist, is afraid of marriage." Maes said in a mocking tone.

"It's not that-" Roy was abruptly cut off by Maes.

"Ah, I know, you already liked having all the girls after you, but dude what's the need to get their hopes up if your heart already has a mistress?"

"Hughes..." Roy, a little irritated at his friend's witticisms, tried to answer.

"Don't tell me you're a cheapskate to buy a precious diamond for your lady." Maes said in an amused tone.

"Of course not!" Roy retorted angrily. "Hughes..."

"Then don't waste any more time. It's more give me a couple of weeks and maybe we can have a double wedding, you and Riza and my lovely girl and me."

"What are you talking about? You don't even have a girlfriend."

"That was before, my friend. A couple of weeks ago I met the one I believe will be the woman of my life, the one I will fight to defend against all the evils of this country."

"Hughes, you can't know that in a couple of weeks."

" Don't you believe in love at first sight?"

"Hmm... I don't know."

"You didn't fall in love with Riza like that?"

"I think it was more because of the day-to-day dealings."

Maes sighed. "Well never mind, we really should have a double wedding!" He said cheerfully and in a very loud voice so Roy had to momentarily move the phone receiver away from his ear to avoid going deaf.

"Hughes, I think it's still early. Besides I've been feeling her weird the last few calls." Roy commented with a bit of sadness.

"Maybe it's just that she must be very stressed and busy, plus the distance must also make her sad and homesick like it does to you."

"Maybe you're right, I'll take your advice and wait. Now tell me, what's the name of the girl who has you so crazy?"

"Awww she's gorgeous, her name is Gracia, she lives in Central, she has beautiful brown hair and captivating green eyes. Awwww! If you saw her you'd fall in love with her too... no, wait. Don't fall in love with her or else you and I will be in trouble, dude." Maes said this last with a threatening tone.

Roy couldn't help but laugh lightly at his friend's witticism. "Calm down, Hughes, of course I wouldn't fall in love. You said it before, my heart already has a mistress."

"You better."

The two friends continued to chat for a few more minutes talking some more about Maes' girlfriend and some military business. By the end of the call, Roy felt a little more at ease with the words Hughes had spoken to him. And just as his friend had told him, Riza reported back on the date of his next call, apologizing and arguing that she hadn't called him due to a complicated workload. However, Roy noticed something in her tone of voice that didn't put him at ease. He felt her sad and worried. He tried to find out what was wrong with her but couldn't get anything and he didn't want to push her either.

Roy's worries eased a bit with the call the following month.

"Roy, I need to see you, do you think next weekend we could meet at my dad's house?" Riza asked.

"Sure, I'll be there. I can't wait to see you." Roy said cheerfully. "I miss you so much."

Hearing those words, Riza felt her heart break into a million pieces. "I miss you too." She said softly.

"We'll see each other soon, love." Roy said tenderly.

"See you soon, Roy."

"I love you." Roy said before Riza hung up the phone.

Despite feeling very happy to know that he would see Riza soon, something about her tone of voice in the last few calls and especially this last one caused him too much concern. He hoped that by meeting face to face, he might be able to figure out what exactly was going on with her to help her.

---

The appointed day arrived. Roy made his way to Riza's father's house first thing Saturday morning, as he couldn't wait to see his girlfriend. He brought with him a bouquet of beautiful flowers and a small box containing a chain with a pendant with the letter "R" with a few small diamonds encrusted on it. Their couple's anniversary was approaching and, as they were probably not going to see each other on that date, he decided to bring the gift ahead of time. As soon as he got to the door, he got a little nervous. It was almost practically a year that he hadn't seen Riza. He took a deep breath and knocked on the door, which soon opened, revealing the beautiful blonde.

As soon as he saw her, Roy approached and hugged her tightly, remaining that way for a few seconds until he pulled away slightly and kissed her tenderly on the lips. At first, Riza hesitated to respond to the kiss, but finally did so to the black-haired man's delight.

"I've missed you so much." Roy said whispering without letting go of her.

"Me too. Let's go inside."

Roy nodded his head and the two entered the house. As soon as they entered the living room, Roy held out his hand that held the bouquet of flowers, which Riza took.

"And these?" Riza asked in confusion.

"They're flowers for a beautiful woman."

"I know what they are. I mean I don't understand what they're for."

Roy walked over and placed his hands around her waist.

"Because it's been a long time since I've given you flowers and I want to. Besides, it will soon be our anniversary and I don't want it to go unnoticed since we probably won't be able to see each other on that date."

Riza couldn't help but smile at this. She reached over and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

"Thank you, Roy. They're beautiful. I'll go put them in water."

Roy let go of her as she headed for the kitchen, he followed. When she finished arranging the flowers in a vase filled with water, she turned and saw Roy looking at her tenderly.

"That's not all I brought you." Roy said as he walked to stand behind her and began to attach the necklace he carried in his pocket.

When he was done, he hugged her from behind pulling her close to his chest. She began to look at the pendant and couldn't help but shed a couple of tears, mostly because of what she had been through recently having to give up her son without him knowing and now she was determined to ask him to distance himself for a while so she could get all her emotions in order and most of all, to protect him against the anti-fraternization law. Riza still didn't want him to find out she was in the military, hoping to help him in his goal.

However, she was fully determined to put a pause on their relationship, for his well being and because she was finding it too painful to listen to him and have him around while not helping but thinking about her baby. That didn't mean she had stopped loving him and she was finding right now that he didn't either, so that gave her confidence that eventually, in a few years, after she had contributed to helping people, she would be able to give up the military to share her life with the man she loved.

But none of this was making it easy. With his displays of love, she was dreading how she should talk to him about her decision, although she couldn't deny that even though she was grieving for her baby, she was happy to be by the side of the man she loved with all her heart. So she decided to enjoy this moment, because she wasn't sure when she could have another moment like this.

"Roy... it's beautiful, but you shouldn't have bothered."

"Did you like it?"

She nodded. "It's very nice."

He tenderly kissed the side of her head. "I wanted to give you something to remember me by and let you know I never stop thinking about you."

"But this is too much, I imagine it was expensive."

"Nothing is costly when it comes to you." He deposited another kiss on her head. "Besides, remember I'm a state alchemist and I can afford to gift you these things. So please don't break my heart and accept it." Roy said the last with an amused tone.

"Thank you, you're very sweet and good to me."

"You're welcome, love."

He turned her so they were facing each other and began to gently wipe away her tears with his thumbs.

"Now let's go into the living room. We have a lot to talk about." Roy took her hand to guide her.

For a few hours they talked about what they had been doing these past few months since they had not seen each other. Riza had prepared herself to have a good long story to tell him, to avoid telling him the truth of what had really happened. Whenever he could Roy tried to find out about Riza's sudden change, even though she reciprocated his caresses and kisses, he felt her distant, even sad and that worried him. But she was an impenetrable wall that did not release any information regarding her mood.

After dinner, the two of them cuddled on the couch as they used to do when he lived in that house, enjoying each other's company.

After a few minutes, Roy decided to break the silence. "Riza, I'm really worried about you." At this mention she tensed in his arms. "I know something is wrong with you and I want to help you but if you don't tell me I can't."

She just shook her head and tenderly squeezed the strong arms that wrapped around her. "I'm fine, don't worry."

"Riza...please..."

"Roy, I don't want to talk about it...I really appreciate you worrying about me but there's no need. I just want to enjoy this moment. All I need is for you to hold me tightly."

Roy sighed heavily. He decided that at least that night he would not insist. He couldn't refuse in the face of her pleading tone. So he did as she asked. Throughout the night, he held her close to his chest, hugging her tightly and she did the same with him deeply grateful for the gesture. She needed to gather strength that night for what she would tell him the next day.

In the morning, the two prepared and shared breakfast as they did before. As they finished cleaning up the dishes, she decided it was time to talk to Roy, as they would both have to leave for their respective destinations in a few hours. So Riza gently took his face in her hands and gave him a tender kiss, as a way of gathering strength for the speech she had to give.

"Roy, I need to talk to you." Riza said seriously.

Roy was surprised at the sudden change in Riza's tone of voice. "What is it, Riza?"

"I'm going through a lot of emotions right now, a lot of stress and I have too many things to do at school."

"I know."

"Roy...it's not fair to you that you're tied to me when I can't give you the time you deserve." Riza said trying to use that approach.

"Riza, what are you talking about?" Roy asked totally confused. "I understand and respect your activities, I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that I don't mind not being able to spend more time together, but it doesn't change how I feel about you at all."

"Right now I have too many things on my mind and... I'm confused..." She looked him straight in the eyes avoiding shedding the tears that were building up in her eyes. "I love you with all my soul... but I need some time to myself... alone."

"If you love me I don't understand why you want to stay away from me." Roy turned his head and sighed before continuing and looking back into her eyes. "Hasn't it been long enough all this time that we have and that we are still apart?"

"What I mean is that maybe it would be good for both of us to put a pause on our relationship-"

"Have you fallen in love with someone else?"

"No!" She immediately protested.

"Then why the hell do you want to break off our relationship when just a few minutes ago you kissed me and told me you loved me?" Roy said slightly agitated.

"Roy...I don't want to break off our relationship. What I want is that for a while we will just be friends and if we really love each other we will get back together, but if either of us falls in love with someone else during that time, it will also be valid... we will still be friends." Riza mentioned the last part hesitantly.

Roy turned away, sighed heavily and pounded his fist on the table. He returned to his original position to look at her as he ran a hand through his hair. He couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"Riza... I don't understand you, do you really doubt my love for you? Do you really think I could fall in love with another woman?"

"No! That's why I'm daring to ask you for this pause, because I know that it's very likely that we will eventually get back together and... possibly this will help us become a stronger couple. Also, it will help us both move forward in our careers without distracting each other."

Roy placed his hands on her arms and stared at her. "Tell me, Riza, do you regret what we did a year ago?" Roy asked in a serious tone.

Despite all the pain she had been experiencing from having to leave her baby, the fruit of their love, Riza had no regrets. She loved Roy too much and that was why she gave herself to him. She also loved her little boy with all her heart, despite not being able to have him around and not being able to see him grow up. Besides, without Roy she would never have been able to hold that beautiful creature in her arms and, even though it was only for a short time, she would always treasure those moments.

"Of course not!"

"So? You know how much I love you and that my intentions with you are serious."

"I know, Roy." She reached over and gently stroked his cheek. "Please understand me."

"I want to, but I need you to help me. I feel like there's something you're keeping from me and that's probably the cause of all this." Roy paused and inhaled deeply before continuing. "Riza... you've always trusted me, why don't you want to now?"

"Roy, of course I trust you and when the time comes you'll find out. Not now. Even when that time comes...maybe you'll stop loving me."

Roy tensed at those words. "Why, Riza? I could never stop loving you."

"Please...don't make it any harder than it already is...I promise you that when the time is right you'll find out."

Riza hugged him tightly without another word. Roy, confused by all her words, hesitated for a moment before reciprocating the hug. He didn't know exactly what was wrong with Riza, but he could sense that it was something very delicate and, even though it bothered and hurt him not to know why, he realized that the best way to support her in these moments was to give in to her request. He sighed heavily before speaking.

"Riza...I really don't want to put our relationship on pause but if that's what you really want and need right now...we'll do it. I just hope that when you're ready you don't wish to make me wait another couple of years to get married." He said the last sentence animatedly to calm the tense atmosphere that had been hanging over them.

"Thank you, Roy. I really appreciate it and I wish we would eventually be together once I get all my emotions in order."

Roy hugged her tighter. "I'll wait for you for as long as you need, because I'm sure you're the love of my life."

Riza smiled slightly and squeezed him into her embrace. "And you mine."

They pulled away slightly and Roy kissed her passionately as a sign of temporary goodbye. They spent a few moments in each other's embrace until they pulled apart. He turned around to grab his things to leave.

"I'd better get going. I hope we can at least keep in touch."

"I'll get in touch with you as I get better."

"Well, take care of yourself. Bye, Riza." Roy said this in a melancholy tone.

Riza quickly removed the pendant he had presented her with the day before. "Roy, wait. After this conversation, maybe you'd better take this."

Roy turned to look at her and shook his head. "Keep it. That way maybe remembering who gave it to you will make the wait a little less." At last he offered her a slight smile, which she returned.

"Thanks, you take care of yourself too."

Roy nodded. "See you soon, Riza."

"See you soon, Roy."

They both felt a deep ache after saying goodbye, especially Riza. As soon as she saw that Roy was out of her home's field of vision, she closed the door and allowed herself to let out the tears she had been holding back. It's the best thing for him and Edward right now, so they can never trace our son and he'll be safe. She said to herself as a form of consolation, hoping that soon the pain would pass... She walked away from her baby and now she was doing the same with the love of her life. Someday we will be together again, Roy, and maybe we can visit our son once we have transformed this country to give him a better future.

---

"But what the hell did you do to her, Roy?" asked Maes Hughes in extreme shock, as he took a sip of his whiskey.

"Why the fuck do you think I did anything to her?" Roy replied irritably as he contemplated the drink in his hands.

"Well you must have done something to make her ask you to do that. The plan was that you were going to ask her to marry you so we could have a double wedding, not push her away, buddy. I was even thinking about what cameras to buy so I could take lots of pictures from different angles." Sighed Maes disappointedly.

"I didn't do anything. There's something wrong with her that she refuses to tell me."

"Do you have any idea what it could be?"

Roy took his drink in one gulp and motioned to the bartender to order another. "I'm not sure...maybe it's just me."

"What?"

"Maybe we rushed into having sex."

"My, my, you don't waste any time, Roy." Maes said in an amused tone to try to cheer his friend up.

"Hughes, this is serious!"

Maes held up his hands in surrender. "Relax, I was only kidding. But tell me, did she go along with it?"

Roy nodded. "Yes, but maybe I should have refused. She was still very young and that may have dismayed her in some way." The bartender removed Roy's glass and placed another with the requested drink.

"Why do you think that may be?"

"Because after that I've felt her strange and distant during calls." Roy replied in a defeated tone before taking a sip of his drink.

"Maybe you're imagining things. Seriously now, Roy, take it easy. It's only a pause, it hasn't definitely cut you off, so there's still hope." Maes replied as he patted him on the shoulder.

Roy sighed. "I want to believe that, Hughes."

"You said she's still studying, the stress of that can drive anyone crazy. Also my precious Gracia is studying and has little time for me." Maes paused and pouted slightly. "You know, I hinted to her about marriage and she practically told me she'd rather wait until she's done with her studies and has a couple of years of experience." Maes said sadly.

Roy raised an eyebrow. " Weren't you planning a double wedding?"

Maes laughed lightly. "That was the plan. If you brought good news from your meeting with Riza, then I was going to go out of my way to convince Gracia to accept me and tell her that I would respect her to keep studying even though we were married."

"Well apparently that's going to be put off for at least 2 or 3 more years."

Maes sighed. "Yes, I know. How I wish I was already married to my Gracia."

"At least she hasn't asked you for a break." Roy said somberly before taking his drink again.

Suddenly Maes came up with an idea to try to cheer his friend up or at least annoy him. So he smiled mischievously as he watched Roy sip his whiskey.

"Well, at least you've already been in the arms of your beloved and who knows where else, you rascal." Maes mentioned in a suggestive tone.

At this, Roy began to choke and blush, which caused Hughes to let out a laugh at his friend's reaction.

"Be patient, Roy. It'll all get better and you'll be with your beloved in the end."

---

It had been a few months before Riza decided to contact Roy again. She did so very sporadically, every 2, 3 or even up to 4 months for the next 2 years after her last encounter with him. After graduating from the academy, she asked to work at the Central command together with Rebeca, with whom she rented an apartment. It was very nice to have her as a roommate and friend, as it always kept her from sinking into her deep sadness, which the passage of time did not erase but at least the company of her friend helped her to cope.

However, there were nights when she couldn't sleep because she was thinking about Roy and Edward. She feared that Roy would get tired of this and completely end their relationship (or what was left of it) and run off with another woman. It was at these times that she would allow herself, in the privacy of her room, to hold tightly in her hand the pendant he had given her the last time they saw each other and let out a few tears. At other times, she would combine these actions with viewing the picture of her baby that Hohenheim had given her. Each of these nights, the same words were repeated. This is the right thing to do to keep our son safe and for Roy to build a better future for him and I will support him from here without him knowing.

---

The conflict in Ishval had escalated in recent years, until the Führer decided to put a total stop to it by means of a drastic decision: the signing of Agreement #3066. With this document, the state alchemists would immediately be sent to the war field without exceptions and soon the best snipers of Amestris would also be sent to cover them from the heights. It was imminent that Roy and Riza would be sent to the front lines. This was further confirmed when Riza received a letter from Roy.

Riza,

I know that in these past years we have not addressed each other except as friends, but this is probably my last letter for a long time and the future is very uncertain at this time. I have received orders to go to the Ishval war. For that reason, I do not wish to speak to you as your friend at this time, but as the man who has loved you since his teenage years and probably will continue to do so until the last day of his life.

To this day I am not sure what prompted this estrangement, but I remain optimistic that it will soon be over. I just want you to know how much you mean to me and that I have made the decision to insist and continue to fight for our relationship upon my return, that is if no one else is involved. The thought of losing you drives me crazy, but if you have someone else by your side right now and you are happy, even if it hurts I will accept it and wish you the best. But if you are still open to the possibility of us getting back together (which is what I wish with all my heart) believe me I will be more than happy to resume our relationship. But I also want to ask you one thing: if by chance I don't come back after the war, I want you to go on with your life, to be very happy and I hope you will have a pleasant memory of me.

Take care of yourself and never forget that I love you with all my heart. Probably by the time this letter is in your hands, I will have already left. I hope that even if it takes too long I can receive your reply.

Always yours,

Roy

As she finished reading the letter, Riza clutched it tightly to her chest. Oh, Roy, in spite of all this time you still love me as I love you. You have to come back safe and sound.

Riza sighed and carefully folded the letter before putting it away in her keepsake box. She took paper and a pen to reply to Roy. Before writing it, she thought for a moment about what she wanted to say to him and began to write it down while with her other hand she held tightly the pendant he had given her.

Roy,

I am very concerned that you have been sent to the front but I am also aware that it is part of your duty. Despite everything we have been through, you have never left my heart. Please don't die, I beg you, come back safe and sound, come back to me, because I will be waiting for you, Roy Mustang, so don't even think of dying out there.

Probably upon your return we can sit down and talk face to face to put our relationship situation in order. In the meantime, focus on surviving and protecting people.

Take care of yourself and don't forget that I love you.

Always yours,

Riza

It had been too long since she had said 'I love you' to Roy, but she knew the occasion warranted it. He was a very strong soldier, not to mention the power of fire alchemy he possessed, but it still didn't make him immune to the possibility of losing his life in Ishval causing them to never see each other again. The thought made her stomach tighten into a knot. She also couldn't help but think that she herself would not be able to see him again because she might die there, as it was a matter of days before she would receive her orders to head to Ishval. She was aware that there was a good chance that they could meet while there and Roy would find out about her lies. She only hoped that he would understand her motives for wanting to help build a better world.

Suddenly a thought crossed her mind. Edward. Even though Riza had given him up, she kept thinking of her little boy and had the illusion that perhaps in the future she might see him again, possibly not as his mother, but as an old friend of her adoptive parents. With her impending departure for war, that dream was dissolving at the possibility of not even returning alive. With that in mind, she wished she could see her son one last time before she left for Ishval. She would settle for seeing him even from afar. So with that determination, she took the letter for Roy to the post office and then headed to the train station to buy a ticket to head north next weekend.

---

The trip to Riviere brought back memories for Riza. The feeling of holding her baby in her belly, the little kicks he gave her when he was fussy, the joy she felt when she held Edward in her arms, the surprise she got when she realized he was blond like her and had inherited her great-grandfather's golden eyes when she was almost certain he would be black-haired with dark eyes, the way he cried and how demanding he was just when she thought she could get a light rest. She really missed all of that despite how short it lasted. Unfortunately she couldn't help but remember her departure, Edward's crying, which could be heard outside the house as she was setting off on her journey to the train station along with Hohenheim. That cry, to this day, still broke her heart.

Her thoughts were interrupted when she heard the announcement of the next stop, announcing the place of her destination. So she grabbed her bag (since she hadn't packed more than enough for a round trip) and prepared to get off the train.

During her walk to the house where she had left Edward, she couldn't help but feel excited, nervous and even fearful. A small part of her questioned whether it was right what she was about to do, but her desire to see her son was greater. How big had he grown? The last time I saw him he was wearing diapers, now he is probably a big boy, just as handsome as his father and he has probably inherited his way of being, since as a newborn he was very demanding like Roy when it came to cuddles and caresses. At that last thought, she couldn't help but smile and, as she looked up, she realized that she was in front of the place she wanted to visit.

She smoothed out the non-existent wrinkles in her blouse and skirt and inhaled deeply. Come on, Riza, you'll just say hello and, if you're lucky, maybe you can get a hug from Edward. If only for a brief moment, you'll have him back in your arms. She exhaled heavily and walked over to the door to knock. He knocked once and waited a few minutes. What if Hohenheim and his wife won't let me see him? But... they must let me, I am his mother, I brought him into the world. How dare you think that? You abandoned him, they would be well within their rights to deny him to you since, unlike you, they have taken care of him in the last few years and have surely given him all the love you denied him. An internal struggle in her head began as she waited anxiously for someone to open the door. After a while she knocked again and continued to wait. When she got no answer, she decided to peek slightly out of the windows. Maybe they were out for a walk. What bad luck! she thought. All the windows were closed except the one facing the living room, where she could appreciate furniture covered with sheets, as if they hadn't been used in a long time.

"Excuse me, miss, are you looking for someone?"

Riza suddenly heard the voice of an older lady behind her, so she turned to look at her and to answer.

"Yes, I'm here to visit my friend Hohenheim and his family, but apparently they are not home." Riza said pointing to the house with her head.

"Hohenheim...mmm...I'm not familiar with the name, but I regret to inform you that that house has been vacant for about a year now and has not been rented again to date."

Hearing those words, Riza's heart began to beat faster from the anxiety that was building up in her being.

"Maybe they moved to another house nearby. He is a tall man with long blond hair, his wife has brown hair and they have a little blond haired boy." Riza tried to give details hoping that the lady might know the whereabouts of her son.

The lady went into thoughtful mode. "Oh, I remember them already. The lady had green eyes, didn't she?"

Riza nodded her head quickly feeling a slight relief in her chest. "Yes, she did."

"I'm sorry, miss, but they moved out of here a long time ago. Their son was still in arms when they left."

Riza's heart skipped a beat. She felt it all come crashing down on her. This can't be, this has to be a mistake. Where could they have gone? Will I never see my son again?

"Are you sure, ma'am, that you're not getting confused?"

"No my dear, although if they were friends of yours, why didn't they warn you?"

Riza tried to find a suitable excuse. "It's just that these past few years I've been living in Xing and we lost touch. Now that I'm back, I wanted to surprise them with my visit."

"Oh, I see."

"You wouldn't happen to know where they moved to?"

The lady shook her head. "No miss, just as they arrived suddenly so they left. Ah look there goes Mrs. Heinz, maybe she knows something. Hey Esther."

Mrs. Heinz, who also appeared to be the same age as the lady Riza was talking to, approached them when she heard her name being called.

"Hi, how can I help you, Matilda?"

"Hello." The two responded to the greeting.

"Esther, this young lady is looking for the people who lived some time ago in this house, do you remember the tall gentleman with the blond hair?"

"Ah yes, of course I remember him. It's not very common to see a handsome man with long hair."

"Do you know where they moved to?" Riza asked, trying her best to hide her desperation to know her son's whereabouts.

Mrs. Heinz shook her head. "I'm sorry, miss, but they didn't say where they were going. They almost disappeared out of nowhere. They just paid the rent and if it wasn't for the owner of the house telling us about it, we wouldn't have known. They spent a lot of time locked up. Apparently he was very busy investigating.

Resigned and wishing to be alone to give vent to her pain, Riza spoke. "Thank you very much for the information, ladies. I'm so sorry to have taken up your time."

"No problem. Have a nice day."

The two ladies said their goodbyes and continued on their way, leaving Riza in the driveway of the house where she had given birth, where she had first held her baby, and where she had also abandoned him. She got as close as she could to the door, dropped abruptly to her knees on the floor and put her hands to her face as tears welled up in her eyes. I'm sorry, Edward, I won't be able to say goodbye to you. Maybe it's better, so I won't cause you any more suffering than you might someday go through when you find out that your mother abandoned you. I just wanted to see you, hug you and tell you how much I love you. This is my punishment for leaving you. I shouldn't have enlisted, I should have waited for Roy, if I had, we would have spent all these years together, maybe even given you a little brother or sister. Riza's crying became louder. Don't be an idiot, Riza, there is no such thing. Focus on your goal of helping people at Roy's side. Focus on protecting him and getting both of you back alive and then look for Edward.

Riza allowed herself to cry until her eyes could shed no more tears. During that time when she gave herself over completely to the pain, she realized that now what mattered most was to make sure her son had a safe country to live in so her resolve grew stronger. She would return alive from the war. She would work hard to improve Amestris and, if fate allowed her, she would find Edward. She had no right to see him but she did not want to resign herself to never seeing him again. Her resolve grew firmer but that did not make the pain of not knowing her son's whereabouts any more bearable...

---

A week later, Riza found herself in Ishval, standing guard from the highest places to protect her war comrades, especially the state alchemists. She was aware of what a war entailed: wounded, dead on both sides, stress, fatigue, among other things. But she never believed that it would be a genocide of innocent people and the worst of all was that the head of all Amestris was ordering it despite the total surrender of the Ishvalan people. He was supposed to watch over his people, take care of them and not annihilate them in such a vicious and ruthless way.

Riza had not felt so bad since she had to abandon her son. She could not understand what she and the other soldiers were doing. Is this what she wanted to do for the betterment of the country? She felt miserable, worthless, what kind of person was she now, how would she look her son in the eye?

Just when Riza thought she couldn't feel any worse, in the days that followed she contemplated the atrocities Roy was committing with his father's fire alchemy. In those moments, she felt the air go out of her and her guilt increased considerably, for she had released those secrets that were annihilating so many people. It was at that moment that she finally understood her father's reluctance about sharing his research with the military.

Also, perhaps selfishly, she couldn't help but wonder if the man she had fallen in love with years ago was enjoying this or if it was tearing him apart as well as her. Had that dreamer boy who aspired to build a better country for its citizens disappeared? Part of those doubts were resolved a few days later when she found herself face to face with Roy after saving his life and that of one of his friends. It had definitely been a great shock for him to see her on the battlefield with a rifle, but despite all the bad things that were happening in that terrible place she could confirm, for herself, that he was just like her. Dismayed, miserable and with a great sense of guilt for what they were doing there. Above all she could perceive it during a confrontation with Kimblee that, even though some of his words were true, Riza could realize that Kimblee was enjoying his 'job' while Roy, his friend and herself were full of pain and guilt.

Later that night, as she was returning to her tent after cleaning up as best she could under the circumstances, she found Roy sitting behind her tent, hiding in the shadows as he waited for her. Riza had already had too many emotions for one day to have to deal with any more, but she knew how stubborn Roy was and that if he wanted to talk privately with her, there would be no way to stop him. She inhaled deeply and slowly moved closer until she was facing him. She brought her hand to her forehead in military salute mode since Roy was a higher ranking military officer than she was.

"Good evening, Major Mustang." She said in a serious tone.

Roy raised his head which until that moment he had kept down watching the ground to avoid conversation. The only person he needed to talk to was her.

"Good evening, Cadet Hawkeye. At ease. I'd like to exchange a few words with you."

Riza lowered her hand without taking her eyes off him. She could definitely see the physical and mental exhaustion he had, especially the guilt that was weighing him down. His beautiful onyx gaze, the one she had fallen in love with, didn't sparkle at all. Besides, she couldn't help but feel odd having to address him so formally and hear him do the same.

"All right, sir."

"Please, let's go somewhere else." Roy said as he stood up and shook the sand out of his pants.

She just nodded and started to follow a few steps behind him, making sure to take her gun with her in case she needed it. They walked for a few minutes in silence until they came to a dilapidated building that was far away from the military camp. It was lonely and dark until Roy, using parts of the rubble and snapping his fingers, started a small fire. It was bright enough for the two of them to see each other while being unobtrusive enough to go unnoticed by anyone who might approach. He kept his head down avoiding looking her in the eyes. He looked lost in his own thoughts.

He sighed heavily and shook his head. "Why are you here?" he asked suddenly, forgetting all formalities.

"I'm here for the same orders you are, sir." She knew what exactly he was referring to, but as long as she could delay her answer she would.

Roy lifted his head and looked at her. "Come on, Riza, you know perfectly well what I mean. If I asked you to come with me here, it's because I knew that in this place we could have a chat without having to worry about outside ears." He inhaled deeply before continuing. "You were supposed to be working as a teacher, so why the hell are you here? You were supposed to be at Central, out of this fucking hellhole." He said this last with a slightly angry tone as his fist impacted with the wall next to him. "Why did you lie to me?"

Riza looked at him. She knew he was in pain. She could tell by the way he expressed himself that all he wanted was to keep her away from all this misery that was going on around her. Plus she could tell how much her lie was hurting him.

"Si-" She stopped immediately as she saw Roy raise his eyebrows. She sighed. "Roy... I don't think this is the best time to discuss these kinds of personal matters. The only thing I'll tell you about it is that I also wanted to help people and, like you, I believed blindly in the military."

"Is that why you kept me away from your side?"

Riza nodded slightly. "I had no idea about the anti-fraternization law until there was no turning back. I couldn't let all your hard work come crashing down because of me, so my plan was only to serve a few years to help you from within the military."

"Why didn't you tell me about your plans? If you had told me, I would have warned you about it and, above all, I would have spared you all this hell."

"I wanted to surprise you." She replied slightly angrily. She sighed and continued. "There's no use talking about the would-have-beens anymore. What's done is done and, as I told you at the beginning, it's not the best time to talk about us, least of all in a place full of military men."

Roy sighed heavily. "I know you're right but I also needed to apologize." At that moment Riza was slightly surprised as he stared into her eyes. "Riza, please forgive me. I had promised you that I would use your father's alchemy for the good of the people and, as you rightly said this afternoon, I am using it for quite the opposite. All this time I dreaded this moment. I knew that sooner or later I would have to face you and explain myself. Nothing justifies what I'm doing, but I still apologize."

"I won't deny that at first I felt betrayed seeing the way you were making use of my father's alchemy, but after being here for a few days and being part of this massacre, I understand in a way the why of your actions. Nothing justifies what we are doing, yet we are still part of the military."

"Perhaps it would be better if I faced the firing squad to prevent more innocent people from dying." Roy said bitterly.

"Or maybe you'd better go on with your dream so you can prevent this from happening again in the future."

Roy looked at her in shock. Despite everything she had seen him do in that hell, despite their estrangement all these years, Riza still had faith in him. Roy moved towards Riza, trying not to make her uncomfortable but he couldn't help but want to hug and kiss her but at the same time he was fighting himself against that instinct. How are you going to touch her with those hands full of blood? He thought.

"Do you really think I can do it?"

"I know you can and that you're going to make it. We were very naïve to blindly believe in the military and we've learned the hard way. But despite everything, I still believe that your dream is beautiful and that now more than ever it needs to be accomplished so that no one else goes through what we went through."

Instinctively Roy moved closer and hugged her, to her surprise and joy, she hugged him back which caused him to hug her tighter.

"Thank you, Riza. You have always been the person who keeps me on my feet in the hardest of times. It's thanks to your letter that I haven't put a bullet in my head. What I regret is that you are suffering all this hell because of me, all because I shared my dream with you."

Riza shook her head. "It's not your fault, I made the decision. But that doesn't matter now, what matters is what we'll have to do to prevent this from happening again."

Roy nodded his head, pulled away from her slightly and unable to help himself any longer, leaned in to kiss her slowly. The kiss took her by surprise, but they hadn't kissed in a long time, and even though it was selfish to enjoy this beautiful gesture and it was going against the military law, she reciprocated, wrapping her arms around his neck. They both allowed themselves to enjoy this small moment of peace in the middle of the hell in which they were participants.

---

The days following their meeting were difficult for both of them as they continued to commit atrocities against the people of their own country. But after their conversation and kiss, it was inevitable not to feel at least a slight peace in knowing that, despite everything, inside they were still the people they had fallen in love with. It was selfish of them to think about it with all they had done, but it helped them to stay on their feet so they could work on creating a better country.

With the participation of the alchemists along with the snipers and the other soldiers summoned, it was only a matter of time before the war would be over. When that time came the vast majority of the soldiers retreated in the first transports, leaving only a few, among them Roy and Riza.

She had remained in the outskirts of the concentration camp finishing the grave of a small Ishvalan child that had ended up abandoned in the middle of the desert. Riza couldn't help but think that the child looked to be Edward's age and the very thought that the child she was burying could have been her son, tore at her heart.

Riza could imagine and practically feel the suffering of the Ishvalan mothers who lost their children in their journey to escape. She, along with her fellow guard, tried as much as possible to avoid shooting women and children within their designated area, pretending that they had not seen them. She simply could not and did not wish to do so. With every mother and child she saw escaping from her area, she hoped they could be saved from the other soldiers. Though she knew it was unlikely, especially when a few feet away was the Crimson alchemist murdering left and right any Ishvalan who crossed him.

She knew that burying the child would never atone for all her sins, but as a woman and above all as a mother she could not allow the innocent lifeless body of the little one to be devoured by wild animals.

In the last days she had been thinking about something she had to do, something that with the burial of the little boy she decided to carry out. I need to destroy the secrets of my father's fire alchemy to prevent the birth of another fire alchemist. But she couldn't do it alone, she needed help from the one person she had trusted with the magnitude of this secret before. She needed help from Roy Mustang.

For that reason, when Roy appeared behind her as she was finishing the tomb, she didn't hesitate to ask him. She could hear the hesitation and pain in his words, he obviously did not wish to hurt her, but Riza was convinced that it would be best if they destroyed the tattoo on her back with the same alchemy it had created. Besides it would take a load off of the many burdens she already carried on her back. So, in the face of Roy's hesitation, she insisted on her request by begging him, for which he painfully ended up agreeing.

The military had granted all the soldiers that were in Ishval a month off to reconnect with their families, settle personal matters and begin requests for transfers to other military commands within Amestris. Roy and Riza would take advantage of this time to carry out her request, so they agreed to meet a week after their departure from Ishval at her father's old house. He insisted on bringing all the medical supplies necessary for her healing and recovery.

As soon as she left Ishval, Riza decided to head immediately to her father's house to clean it before Roy's arrival and, most of all, because she wanted some time alone. The war had shattered her in a thousand ways and she needed to get her mind right with everything that had happened so she could move on and thus seek to prevent this from happening again in the future.

When she was settled at home, she went out into town to buy food and took the opportunity to call Rebeca to tell her that she was well and not to worry about her. She told him that she had some military business to take care of and that she needed to spend a few days at her father's house to check on it.

Roy showed up a week later as they had agreed. Unlike the other occasions when he had been standing in front of her door wearing an ear-to-ear smile as soon as he saw her and a big gleam in his eyes, this time his face was full of sadness, guilt and apparently, like her, he had not slept enough because of the big dark circles under his eyes.

As soon as the two were inside the house, they didn't exchange too many words, only a few glances until Riza headed to the kitchen to prepare the meal. Roy immediately joined her, just as they had done some time ago. During the meal, they agreed that they would burn her tattoo after dinner, so that she could, or at least try, to rest for the night. So after the meal, Roy headed to the living room while Riza went out for a moment to what was originally the garden, which was now totally neglected.

Being in the garden, Riza tried to put her thoughts, emotions and feelings in order. Roy's presence always brought her peace, tranquility, security and above all love, but on this occasion she couldn't feel it that way, not after what the two of them had done in Ishval. She was sure he felt the same way, from what she could see in his gaze and body language. She knew that even though the war was over, it would never end in his heart or mind, so he would probably never have peace again. It pained her but ironically at the same time comforted her to know that he knew exactly what she was going through. In that sense they both understood and sympathized with each other. She couldn't help but think that maybe the two of them could go back and help each other out of their predicament to fight for their goal of a better future for each other. Don't be naive, you can never be together as long as the two of you are still in the military. Her own mind reprimanded her for her thoughts. Maybe I could leave the military and help him as his girlfriend to achieve that goal. Do you think you deserve a peaceful life and a family after you took away that peacefulness and murdered entire families? You lost that right long ago Riza just as you lost the right to see your son the moment you abandoned him. You will never be able to touch him with those hands full of blood...

Riza shook her head, took a deep breath and exhaled deeply. Her own mind was killing her with all kinds of thoughts, but the ones that affected her the most were the ones related to her little boy. In those moments she couldn't help but feel desolate, sad, guilty, like a wounded animal. Worst of all, no one had hurt her, she had hurt herself with her own decisions and actions. She couldn't help but think that Roy probably felt the same way. She wished she could hug him and comfort him, just as she wished he would do the same for her. She thought maybe she should do it now, because after they got rid of the tattoo maybe he would reject her fearing to touch her because of what she was forcing him to do.

She sighed heavily and made her way to the living room, where she found Roy lying along the length of the largest couch. His left arm covered his face while his right hand rested on his abdomen. He didn't look asleep, although she couldn't look at his face, his slightly agitated breathing gave him away. She knew he was probably tormenting himself over what he would do in the night, just as she was doing minutes before. She knew she was asking too much of him, but it was the best thing to do to avoid further tragedy with fire alchemy.

Without saying a word, she lay down next to him in the small space that was left on one side of him, placed her head on his shoulder and hugged him. As soon as he felt the movement next to him, he removed his arm from his face to look at her, initially he was surprised by her actions, but then he moved to give her more space, while he wrapped both arms around her to bring her closer to him. They remained silent for a few minutes, trying to comfort each other with their presence alone. He deposited a kiss on her forehead and moved his head to try to observe her.

"Riza... are you sure you want us to destroy the tattoo? Maybe we can find another way to do it without you getting hurt."

She raised her head to look at him. "I'm very sorry for what I'm asking, but we both know it's best to burn the secrets of this alchemy."

"But it's not fair that you have to pay the price for my mistakes..." Roy paused to inhale deeply. Riza could see the deep pain and guilt in his eyes. "I am to blame...I should be burned not you...I betrayed your trust. I let you down." Roy mentioned all this with a tone that denoted pain and guilt.

Riza gently stroked his cheek and replied in the same tone as Roy. "We are both guilty. We were naive and foolish. I told you, I don't blame you and if we want to prevent another tragedy like this, this is what we have to do... Forgive me for asking this of you."

"I don't want to hurt you." Roy said painfully.

"You're not going to, it's something I'm asking you to do. Roy, please, don't go blaming yourself for this."

Roy only nodded and leaned his head back. Riza could see a lone tear escape from his eye. She shifted slightly and gave him a kiss on the cheek and then another on his lips. She hugged him tightly as he gently rubbed her back.

When night came, they were both in Riza's room. Roy was preparing all the medical supplies he might need on the nightstand next to the bed, while she took off her blouse and bra and then sat down in the middle of the bed. He turned his head as she finished rearranging things and couldn't help but blush slightly as he noticed her bare back. Without being able to avoid it a memory came to his mind: the only time they were together, the only time he held her in his arms, the only time they made love. He always dreamed of seeing her again like that time, of having her naked in his arms, but under other circumstances, not like the one they were in now.

He decided to look away, it wasn't the time to think about such things, but just as he was about to do so, he couldn't help noticing that she was still wearing the pendant he had given her some years ago.

"Is that the pendant I gave you some time ago?" Roy asked.

Riza took her pendant between her right hand and squeezed it tightly. "Yes, I've never stopped wearing it since you gave it to me. It's the reminder of the boy I've loved since I was a teenager. It's the memory of knowing that I was once loved and felt protected."

Roy couldn't help but feel a slight happiness knowing that she felt that way about him, but at the same time it hurt, because he couldn't get out of his mind the way he had disappointed and betrayed her. Could it be that she would never feel that way about me again?

He averted his gaze from contemplating her beautiful naked figure. "Riza... I have never stopped loving you and I know I never will be able to."

"Our relationship has no place within the military, it could hurt you. So it will be better to remain friends." Riza said in a low tone, denoting pain. "Although I don't think we currently have the right to be happy after what we've done."

"I know. I understand what you're saying, but my heart will never understand. Riza, you can walk away from this. You can quit and avoid having to go through this in the future. I will take it upon myself to keep fighting for that future we talked about, so that no one has to go through it. Please, just give up this idea off your back." Roy said this last sentence in a pleading manner.

Riza felt worse than she already did, but she couldn't avoid the inevitable. It was her obligation to get rid of this burden her father had given her. Besides, leaving the army as Roy was suggesting, would be a way of running away from what she had done, leaving all the burden to him. That wasn't fair. She searched his gaze and realizing that he was looking away a little flushed, she couldn't help but smile slightly. He was acting just like he had when they had made love. The night they had given themselves their bodies and souls...the night they had conceived their child.

"Roy, please look at me. It's not the first time you've seen me like this." She tried to joke lightly to soften the tense atmosphere they were in.

Roy looked at her. "It's been too long since I last saw you like this. Besides, I'd like to do it under different circumstances."

She sighed. "I know, I'd like it under different circumstances too." She paused. "Roy, I'm really sorry but I'm not going to give up on my request. You're the only one I trust and, regarding the military thing, it's not fair for you to take all the blame...but we'll discuss that later." She inhaled deeply. "We'd better take care of the tattoo right now, the faster the better."

Roy sighed heavily. "Is there no way to change your mind?"

"You know perfectly well that when I make up my mind I hardly ever change it."

"All right." Roy said in a defeated tone.

He began to place an ointment on her back to anesthetize her nerves, hoping to avoid pain for her. He spread it gently all over her back, wishing with all his soul that they were in another situation and that what was planned wasn't going to happen. As soon as he was done, he shook his head to focus on his next task. He couldn't afford to lose focus, if he did he would be threatening Riza's life, the life of the woman he loved. He broke away, put on his ignition gloves and began to set the key points of the transmutation circle as he did not wish to cause her any more pain than he was going to cause her, besides that he would not be able to do it.

Roy sighed. "Okay, I'll begin." He said almost in a whisper.

Riza nodded. "I'm ready."

She really wasn't, but there was no point in prolonging her agony any longer. It was the best thing to do to protect the country. Serves me right for murdering innocent people, for turning Roy into a murderer... for not telling him about our son... for abandoning our baby... because of me we may never see him again and if we do... we won't even be able to touch him with our hands full of blood. Riza bowed her head and closed her eyes trying to hold back the tears that were forming, waiting for her punishment.

Roy began to aim and his hand trembled. He slapped his cheek. Focus, Roy! If you don't, you can kill her just like you did with the Ishvalans. He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. He opened them and tried again. When he was sure of the place he was aiming at, he snapped his fingers. A small flame burst from them landing on a part of her back, burning and staining Riza's beautiful skin. She jerked abruptly for a second as soon as she felt her skin burning and stifled her screams as best she could. Despite the anesthesia, the pain was intense, but what was torturing her more than the physical pain was the emotional pain of knowing and now feeling what the Ishvalans who died at Roy's hands went through.

Roy repeated the process twice more, pausing slightly between each snap before his hand began to tremble again or his vision blurred from the tears that were beginning to form in his eyes. He couldn't help but feel terrible watching the way Riza's skin was being devoured by his flames, smelling the scent of burning skin that he had ended up familiar with in Ishval, watching the way her body contracted at each flame and seeing the way she was holding back her crying and sobs.

Trying to push away the knot that was forming in his throat Roy said in a shaky voice "That...will do."

"You didn't burn the whole back." Riza said trying to hide the pain she was going through.

"Believe me, with what I've burned the circle no longer makes sense. There's no need to burn any more."

She nodded.

Roy took off his ignition glove and walked over to her. He gently helped her lie on her stomach and then sat next to her on the bed. "I'm going to tend to your wounds."

Riza gave another nod and turned her head to the left to see him. At that moment she could see in Roy's face too much pain and tears sliding down his cheeks. She could no longer hold back her tears as she felt the sting of the antiseptic he was applying to her back so she moved her head and buried it in the pillow to try to muffle her sobs.

Every minute that passed healing her wounds, he felt worse, he felt like garbage. He had been upset, outraged and had even cursed his sensei when he found out what he had done to Riza. He had promised himself, to love and protect her, so that she would never have to go through any more suffering. Now, he was not much better than Riza's father. He was the same or worse and the scars on her back would be a reminder of that to him.

When he finished dressing and bandaging her wounds, he carefully helped her to sit up and brought her a glass of water and some pills for the pain and to prevent an infection. Riza took them and Roy removed the glass from her hand. He looked at her deeply still with tears in his eyes.

"Forgive me, Riza, please forgive me. You should never have gone through this, this is all my fault, I'm sorry..." He said in a hoarse voice.

It hurt Riza to see Roy like that. She had always seen him as a strong, self-confident, dreamy and even childish and joking young man, but now she only saw a totally broken man who was in a lot of pain. She too was still shedding tears and with effort she moved closer to him, hugged him and allowed herself to cry harder.

"Forgive me... I was the one who put you in this situation. If I hadn't given you the secrets the military wouldn't have made you do that."

He reciprocated her embrace, wrapping his arms around her shoulders to avoid touching her back and hurting her more. He buried his face between the juncture of her neck and shoulders.

"It's not your fault...I should have listened to your father. I shouldn't have been so naive..."

"You're not to blame for that. Besides I practically forced you into this. I am the person who has been hurting you... please forgive me Roy..." In that instant she couldn't help but remember her son that she had foolishly and selfishly denied him, which caused her to sob more. "I'm sorry, Roy."

"I have nothing to forgive you for. I am the monster who hurt you...forgive me, Riza."

She shook her head. "No...you're not a monster Roy...I am...for everything I've done."

"You're not a monster, you've just been a victim of your father, the army... and me."

"You don't understand...probably when you find out what I did you'll never want to hear from me again."

"Riza, you only did what you were ordered to do, you had no choice. You are a cadet after all."

"No Roy...you don't understand...I've done terrible things..." She sobbed harder as she hugged him and hid her face in Roy's chest. "I...I've kept something from you for years...forgive me."

"If you mean about joining the military without telling me, don't worry-"

"No! It's something much worse... it's something that has haunted me all these years... something that just like Ishval I can never forgive myself for." Riza said between sobs.

"Riza you are a good, gentle, sweet woman-"

"I am none of those things... if I were I would never have abandoned our baby." Suddenly Riza blurted out.

Roy confused and thinking he had misheard, asked her. "What?"

Not daring to look at him, Riza replied. "You heard right, Roy. I am a bad woman and most of all a bad mother...if I can even bring myself to call myself that after abandoning my baby...my own flesh...my blood...our blood." She said between sobs.

Roy wasn't sure what he was hearing. He couldn't believe it. He pulled Riza slightly away from his chest taking her by the shoulders to look at her. "What? I... I don't understand you, Riza. What are you talking about?"

She, without lifting her head, continued to sob. She was aware that sooner or later she would have to face this situation with Roy. She knew it wasn't the best time but she felt so broken that the words came out of her mouth before she thought about it. By the time she realized it was too late, so she decided to confess everything to him at once.

"Roy... the time we were together... the time we made love... I got pregnant."

He tensed. "Riza, that was almost 7 or 8 years ago, why didn't you tell me anything?"

"I found out when I had already registered at the academy. That's when I found out about the anti-fraternization law and what could happen to our baby and you if it became known."

He released her and began pacing the room. Inhaling and exhaling heavily. After a few moments, he stopped. "And the baby?"

"I gave it to a couple I met up north." She said without stopping crying.

Roy felt a mixture of emotions swirling inside him. At first he thought he felt happiness when he found out he had a child but quickly that feeling was suffocated by great guilt, sadness and anger. It was all coming crashing down on him. "Why the hell did you do it?" He asked trying to hide his anger, however Riza could notice it.

"Because I didn't have the means to provide for-"

"Damn it, Riza! You could have told me, I would never have turned my back on you or the baby. I would have taken the responsibility without hesitation." Roy interrupted Riza irritably.

"I knew it..."

"Then why the fuck did you abandon our baby?"

"Because if you recognized the baby you would have gotten in trouble with the militia and the baby's life would have been in danger."

"Damn it, Riza! Nothing would have happened. In any case they would have investigated and found out that the baby was conceived before you joined the military." Roy had begun to raise his voice.

She dared to raise her head to look at Roy. He was shedding tears just as she was, but she could see that anger was taking hold of him.

"I looked into it...I had pre-registration by then so that argument probably wasn't going to work and...a friend from the academy told me what the military did to her brother who went through that situation. It was a risk to your career and especially the child's life."

"To hell with my career! Are you telling me you just got rid of my child without even consulting me? Why?"

"I already told you!" She too began to raise her voice.

"It was my right to decide about his life. We could have looked for a way to hide it without giving him up completely."

"You know perfectly well what the military is capable of. We saw it firsthand in Ishval... I wasn't going to risk the lives of the most important people in my life."

"Yet I had a right to know at the time, not years later."

"I'm sorry, Roy..."

He took a deep breath. "I want to meet my child. Do you know where he or she is?"

She shook her head. "No... before I went to war I went back to the house where the couple I left our baby with lived, but they don't live there anymore and no one knew where they went."

"Who are they? You must have known them for a long time right?"

"I actually dealt with them for about two or three weeks-"

"What?! You left our baby with complete strangers?" he asked in annoyance.

"It was better than leaving him in an orphanage. Besides, they saved me and the baby's life. If it hadn't been for their help, I would have bled to death and who knows if the baby would have survived."

"Your lives were in danger and I wasn't even aware of it!" He glared at her. "Damn it, Riza! You could have died and I would have been looking for you like crazy thinking you'd finally forgotten about me. You didn't have to go through this by yourself, you had me."

"I'm sorry, Roy. I was too young and terrified of everything-"

Roy interrupted her before she continued. "So you definitely lost track of the baby then?"

She just nodded. He was very upset, he was doing his best to restrain himself, but all his emotions were overtaking him, bringing out the worst in him.

"I had a right to know, to be with you through the whole process! I had the right to decide about the baby's life, to know it, to hold it in my arms...to give it a family... Sure, I probably would have been as surprised as I am now, but I would have accepted it and I would have been happy, you know why? Because I know that that child is the product of love and not just a simple lay. But you denied me all that! You denied me all that happiness and bliss! I never thought that the person I love most in this world could hurt me so much!" Roy screamed despite all his efforts to avoid it. His words were flowing without even thinking about them and he couldn't control the contempt towards Riza that was covering his gaze.

Realizing he was losing control, Roy decided to turn around and walk out of the room. He had to get away to avoid saying other terrible things. As soon as he was in the doorway closing the door, Riza called out to him.

"Roy!"

However, he ignored her and went on his way, leaving Riza in a sea of tears sitting on the bed. She no longer knew if she was crying over her actions in Ishval, over her burns on her back, over the revelation of their son, or probably over everything. She wanted to go after him, but her burns prevented her from doing so and she thought maybe it would be better if the two of them were alone to think about what had happened. She lay on her stomach, crying into her pillow and every now and then she looked toward the door, hoping that he would come back to fix things, that he would come with her and lie down beside her, that they would try to sleep together to chase away each other's nightmares. She waited and waited but he did not return, and after the physical and especially emotional exhaustion, sleep overcame her.

Roy, for his part, locked himself in the room on the first floor of the house. He cried as he had not done since he was a little boy. All the lies Riza had told him about her so-called "studies" now made sense. It was all to cover up the existence of their baby. It gave him joy to know he was a father, but just as he felt that joy it was covered by the anger of ignoring for so many years the existence of his son or daughter. He felt anger at not having had the joy of enjoying the news of its arrival, of feeling it kicking in Riza's womb, of being present at its birth, of seeing it grow... Damn, he or she, must be maybe 8 years old, not a baby anymore. I missed its first steps, I couldn't hear it say its first words... Madame and the girls would be thrilled and spoil him or her. Riza and I would be married by now and probably have another baby. Different thoughts plagued him that night, trying to imagine beautiful scenarios of what a family life would have been like next to Riza and their baby but these collapsed almost immediately at the thought of his son or daughter being missing. Although had he known where it was, Roy didn't think he would be able to introduce himself as its father after what he had done in the war. That night he did not sleep.

---

The next morning, Riza awoke and looked at the side of her bed, expecting Roy to be beside her. Unfortunately, he had not slept with her as he had been doing the few times they met here. She turned her head and on the nightstand she saw a tray with food and a note that said not to forget to take the pills. She wasn't hungry and didn't feel like eating, but she didn't want to start another fight with Roy, so she tried to eat as much as she could and took her pills. She spent the rest of the day lying down. She was still sore despite the medication, but she didn't complain out loud, she knew that she deserved it for everything she had done and that it still wouldn't be enough to redeem herself. She felt very weak, and although she couldn't fully rest, sleep overcame her again in the afternoon. When she awoke, she noticed another tray of food. Apparently Roy was still in the house, a fact that surprised her as she had come to believe that he had left after what had happened the night before.

In the night, she heard the door open quietly to make way for Roy. Seeing her awake, he entered the room carrying new bandages and the first aid kit. Without looking directly at her, he approached her before speaking.

"We need to change the bandages or the wounds will get infected." Roy said coldly.

Riza determined from the tone of his voice that he was definitely still upset. "I can do it-"

"Cut the crap. You can't do it alone." He replied curtly and began to remove the bandages from the previous day and then disinfect the wounds and put on the new bandages.

When he finished, Riza tried to talk to him. "Thank you... for this and for the food."

He just nodded. "You must eat and take the medicine to recover."

"Yes, thank you."

Roy turned around and headed towards the exit of the room until he stopped when he heard Riza's question.

"Aren't you going to sleep with me today?"

He instantly shook his head to finally retreat without saying a word or giving her one last look. These cold actions on his part were breaking Riza's heart. She knew he had the right to be upset, but she couldn't help but let it get to her.

---

The next few days went the same way, with him behaving coldly towards her, but despite this, Riza acknowledged that he wasn't abandoning her with her injuries even though he was extremely upset with her.

A week after the burns, she felt she had the strength to be able to do more things for herself so, when she finished eating, she decided to take her dishes to the kitchen to wash them and if she was lucky to talk to Roy. She hated being on these terms with him. She wanted to at least win back his friendship, if there was anything left. Sure enough, when she arrived in the kitchen, he was sitting at the table reading a book. When he saw her, he stood up to help her with the tray, but she refused.

"Riza, you're not fit to do things yet. Give me the tray, I'll handle it." Roy said using his cold tone again.

She simply ignored him and continued on her way to the sink to start washing the dishes. Without turning to look at him she replied. "I'm feeling better. Thanks for the food."

He just sighed heavily and stared down at the floor for a few minutes. Then he picked up his book and started walking back to his room. He didn't want to be near her, not after the confession she had made to him, but he also didn't have the heart to leave her to her fate, not after he had hurt her himself. He couldn't do that to the mother of his son or daughter, even though what he wanted to do most since the night of the confession was to get the hell out of there and go to a bar where he could get drunk to try to forget everything that was happening to him.

"Roy." She called out to him. He stopped without turning to look at her. "Will you ever forgive me?"

"I don't know, I never would have expected this from you. Never."

"Do you think it was easy for me to leave my baby?"

"I guess so, you did in the end. You didn't mind gifting that creature to the first family that crossed your path."

She was very upset to hear Roy's reply, especially the tone in which he had made it. She walked over to him, spun him around and slapped him hard on his right cheek.

"You're an idiot!" She screamed. "Abandoning my son was the hardest thing I've ever had to do! You don't know how hard it is to turn around and try to go on your way after you've had him inside you for 8 months, after you've felt him, after you've held him in your arms and heard him cry as you left him..." She began to let out tears of anger, pain and guilt.

Son, so it's a boy. Roy couldn't help but notice the mention of that word but his anger hid that thought quickly to focus on the discussion "At least you knew of his existence! At least you held him in your arms!" Roy shouted.

"But I still suffered greatly when I walked away from him..."

"I doubt it. Come to think of it, you're an expert at pushing away the people who love you. First you pushed me away and then you pushed the boy away. If you didn't want him, at least you would have given him to me. I would have raised him. I would never have given him up." Roy said frivolously.

This comment caused Riza to slap him again and then start punching him in the chest. "You're an idiot! Selfish! Insensitive!" She yelled at him. "If I took you two away from me it was to keep you both safe."

Roy stopped her blows by grabbing her wrists. "Safe, hmm." He snorted. "Damn it, you selfishly denied the creature and I a family! You knew from the beginning that my intentions were serious with you, that my feelings were sincere towards you. I have been waiting for you all these years, without pressuring you, idiotically thinking that maybe you didn't want something serious with me because you were still too young. I wanted to form a family by your side! I thought, naively for a change, that we could do it and that we would be very happy together. Now I see that I was wrong and that you were just playing with me..."

"Roy Mustang, you're a fucking asshole!" she yelled as in one rough movement she released herself from his grip.

"Yes, I am, for having believed in love. I should have listened to my buddies at the academy and at the barracks! I should have gone out and slept with all the women who were after me! But I, as an idiot, didn't do it for you!" Roy said shouting.

"Well, I never forbade you! I should have also listened to my friends and slept with the suitors who were after me, but you know what, I'm just as much of an idiot as you are! Because I didn't do it for you, because I thought we'd be together in the end!" Riza replied annoyed.

The two stood in silence for a few minutes staring at each other. Inhaling and exhaling heavily until Riza spoke again, trying to sound as calm as possible.

"I feel better already. I thank you for all your attentions but you'd better go."

"Well, you're right. In the end you always do your will and push away the people who love you. Always ruining the lives of others."

"You're a jerk!"

"I know, you're not the first person to tell me that." Roy said nonchalantly as he remembered the words of the last Ishavalan he killed. "At least I don't keep secrets that involve other people's lives like you. I just hope MY SON is well and has the family you denied him."

"GET AWAY, I never want to see you again!"

Roy headed to his room, grumpily packed his belongings as Riza collapsed into a chair in the dining room. She was crying with anger, sadness, guilt and grief. When he appeared again heading for the front door of the house, he stopped briefly to look at her. Their gazes met briefly before he broke off contact and walked out of the house slamming the door tightly behind him.

He's gone for good. She thought. Is this the real Roy Mustang and the guy I fell in love with was just a sham? Or is he just as upset and broken as I am that he's acting this way? Maybe it's for the best, in the end we can't be together even if we wanted to, and with what happened there isn't and won't be an us anymore. Sorry, Edward, my son. Maybe your father is right and I ruined everything for you, for your father and for me. But if the military had made an attempt on your life, I would never have forgiven myself. I don't know if I did right anymore, I'm a bad person and that's why I will probably never be able to see you again. I only wish that you are well and that you are very happy, my little one, even if you are not by our side.

That night, thoughts of guilt and sadness invaded Riza's mind, preventing her from closing her eyes all night long.