A/N: Surprise!

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Golden and Flame

Disclaimer: Fullmetal Alchemist characters don't belong to us. We are just having fun with them.

Chapter 4. Understanding

Roy made the trip back to East City practically on autopilot. The anger and pain he had felt when arguing with Riza were still present and prevented him from fully concentrating on the people around him and the scenery passing by his train car window.

He had wanted to leave that house from the moment Riza confessed to him what she had done but found himself unable to leave her alone in the condition she was in. He naively believed that avoiding her for a week would help control his emotions to make way for a serious and civilized conversation between adults. But everything had turned out much worse. All those emotions instead of being appeased were building up until they exploded. They both said terrible things to each other in just a few moments and Roy no longer knew what he was supposed to feel. A small part of him wanted to give way to regret at the cruel words he had spoken to the woman he loved, but the more he remembered the heated argument and the fact that he was the father of a child whose existence he had ignored for so many years, he felt his frustration and anger take over almost completely.

If circumstances were different he would be overjoyed to know that he had a child with the woman he loved. But reality was brutally cruel. Now both his and Riza's hands were stained with the blood of innocents. He hadn't had the chance to hold his son in his arms and he didn't even know where he was. Was all this his punishment for the lives he had taken?

He wanted to understand what Riza had done as he knew about the scope of the anti-fraternization law, but at those moments his mind seemed to be blocked to allow room for understanding.

Previously in any painful or stressful situation, bringing Riza's face to his memory was a relief to try to calm down and feel better, but now at the mere thought of her name he felt how everything inside him was falling apart. The woman who had once brought peace, joy, love and hope to his life now filled him with pain, regret and... hate? Did he hate Riza for what had happened? He wasn't sure, a part of him wanted to hate and despise her for keeping something so important from him for so many years but he couldn't finish giving shape to that radical feeling.

All that internal debate kept him busy during the trip and, once he had reached his destination, it continued to accompany him as he walked through the streets of East City. He carried his suitcase without giving it much importance and looked ahead without really seeing anyone or anything specific. He walked aimlessly under a sky that was getting darker and darker, giving way to a couple of stars.

His apartment didn't seem so appealing to him at that moment and he was really anxious to drown his thoughts and feelings with alcohol. That was why the instant his eyes took notice of his surroundings and detected a bar he didn't hesitate to enter it.

The bar was small but crowded with men and women, many of whom were laughing loudly. Its walls were stained and a thick cloud of cigar smoke covered the whole place. It didn't look at all like her aunt's neat and elegant bar.

Trying to ignore the atmosphere he found himself in, Roy simply made his way through the crowd to the bar where he ordered a double whiskey. He placed his suitcase in front of him and secured it against the bar with the help of his legs to prevent anyone from stealing it. As soon as his drink arrived he wasted no time and emptied the glass to quickly order a new one.

When his second drink arrived he drank it more calmly. For some strange reason the first one had not helped him to start feeling lighter and somewhat disconnected from the world as had happened to him earlier in Ishval, when he was trying to forget for a few moments the horror he had witnessed during the day.

He sipped his drink slowly hoping it would slowly take effect but it wasn't working, so when he finished it he ordered one more. Roy was so engrossed in his thoughts and in the desire to drown everything with alcohol that he didn't notice that a woman had positioned herself next to him and had begun to run one of her hands up and down his arm until she spoke to him.

"Hi, handsome, would you like some company?"

Roy turned to look at the woman somewhat surprised. She was a slender young woman with wavy red hair that reached her waist. She wore a black dress with a pronounced cleavage and her lips were painted an intense shade of crimson. Roy could notice her slightly flushed cheeks and a slight wobble as she stood up so he could easily tell she was already a bit drunk.

Despite the insinuating provocation Roy could notice in her tone of voice, he decided to let things flow so he only shrugged his shoulders as he took the glass the bartender handed him and took a sip.

The woman seemed to accept that gesture as acceptance and reached over to hug Roy's left arm as she began to fiddle with the hair at the nape of his neck.

"You hardly ever see men like you around these parts." The woman mentioned as she lowered her hand from the back of Roy's neck and began massaging his shoulder.

Roy didn't respond but didn't push her away either. He simply continued to sip his drink as the woman caressed him and moved even closer to him.

As he took the last sip of his drink Roy felt a little dizzy. He still couldn't let go of his painful thoughts but at least it was progress. He was about to signal the bartender to bring him another drink when the ginger stopped his arm and brought her lips close to his ear. "You know, I actually know a perfect place for us to have some fun."

It wasn't what he was looking for, but the alcohol wasn't really helping. Roy decided to go with the flow. "Okay." At the woman's smile Roy picked up his wallet, dropped a few bills on the bar and picked up his suitcase as the redhead kept hugging his arm.

The dark blanket of night covered them as the singular couple walked the streets. Roy had no awareness of what time it was, but the few people they encountered along the way indicated that it was very late, probably close to midnight. They continued walking without uttering a word until they were in front of a small hotel. Roy could not identify the place but allowed the woman to guide him inside. They did not stop until they were inside one of the rooms.

The redhead wasted no time and immediately began kissing Roy on the lips and neck. At the initial surprise Roy dropped his suitcase and pulled the woman into his arms and began to reciprocate her kisses. This went on for a few minutes until the woman began to fiddle with the buttons on his shirt. Instinctively, Roy ran one of his hands down the redhead's back until he found the zipper of her dress. Slowly he began to pull it down and once he had done so he ran his hand down the redhead's back to begin unbuttoning the bra.

As Roy unfastened the bra and could feel the woman's bare back completely, a sudden memory came to his mind. The warm skin of a young blonde woman embracing him lovingly, kissing him sweetly and a gaze full of affection and love directed exclusively at him. It was a completely different scenario from the one he was in at that moment. Despite the heat of the moment he felt cold inside. The alcohol-scented kisses and the clumsy caresses of the redhead were not awakening anything in him and much less were they helping him to forget his pain. Quite the contrary, he now felt the pain multiply and a new sensation appeared inside him. Disgust. Disgust against himself and what he was doing.

What the hell am I doing?! Mentally scolding himself Roy removed his hands from the woman's back and placed them on her shoulders to quickly push her away. "This isn't right. I have to go." And without giving her a chance to reply Roy grabbed his suitcase and left the room.

Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Roy left the hotel and walked through the streets of the city with a hurried pace. Although it was already difficult for him to meet anyone on the street, Roy arranged his clothes as best he could as he walked and looked for a way to locate where he was. Once he had found a landmark he set out on his way home, thinking back to the painful memories he had wanted to drown with alcohol and now adding the regret he was feeling for what he was about to do.

Perfect, Roy, you were about to do another stupid thing. He kept mentally berating himself. Just the thought of what could have happened, of the odds of him procreating another baby and it not being out of love, made him hate and repudiate himself more than he had ever been able to believe was possible. At the thought, his stomach churned and he had to stop for a moment to vomit in an alley before he could continue on his way.

When he arrived at his building he completely ignored the old night watchman dozing in a chair at the entrance to the building and headed to his apartment. He frantically searched for his key and inserted it as quickly as he could into his door. Once he was inside, he closed the door behind him and leaned against it. He tossed his suitcase and key without caring about his destination and soon after slid down his door until he was sitting on the floor with his knees drawn up to his chest and his hands on his head as he gripped his dark locks tightly and desperately.

He felt a stinging in his eyes and squeezed them tightly shut to hold back the tears as he rested his face on his knees. He was trying to push the events of this past week from his mind. He simply wanted to forget everything but he couldn't. His shoulders began to shake slightly and, unable to hold it back any longer, a few sobs escaped down his throat and he could feel the wetness begin to cover his cheeks.

"Roy?"

Shit. Even the universe was conspiring to snatch away the solitude he craved so much in those moments.

Trying to wipe the tears on his knees Roy lifted his gaze to stare at the shadow that was passing through the room to approach the entrance. A few seconds later the room lit up and Roy had to blink a couple of times to adjust to the light. When his eyes focused he could notice how Maes Hughes was squatting down in front of him.

Right. He had offered Hughes to stay at his apartment until he had to return to Central. Damn.

"Roy, what's going on? Another flashback?"

Ha. Up until a few days ago Roy had been sure that Ishval's memories would haunt him for the rest of his life but now it seemed Ishval had been dethroned on his list of regrets and sorrows.

"I need to sleep." Roy got up from the floor without looking at his friend as Hughes mimicked him. He started walking and headed for the kitchen to grab a bottle of whiskey. As soon as he had it in his hands he could feel a hand on his shoulder.

"Hey, buddy. Look at me."

If anyone had a habit of not leaving him alone even if he asked it was Maes Hughes. "I'm tired. I'm going to my room."

"Roy Mustang."

Knowing there was no escape when Hughes called him by his full name, Roy sighed deeply and tried to fill his gaze with indifference before turning to look at his friend.

His friend's green eyes looked at him piercingly. Usually Hughes' eyes denoted joy and affection but, as much as he hated to admit it, these past few months he had grown accustomed to seeing that serious look more often.

"This isn't about Ishval is it?"

"No."

"You smell like alcohol."

Roy shrugged and replied casually. "What's the matter? Are you my wife?"

"No, that place is exclusive to Riza."

At the mention of her, Roy couldn't help but let his gaze become more somber than it already was, something that didn't go unnoticed by Hughes, so he continued. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"No."

Maes knew that ever since Roy had found Riza in Ishval, he had been restless, desperate, and his guilt had increased. When Roy had offered him his apartment he had informed him that he would not be there for the first few weeks because he had business to arrange. Obviously, Hughes knew that those issues had a first and last name: Riza Hawkeye. In his optimism he hoped that Roy would follow his example with Gracia and settle things once and for all with Riza and they would get married. But given the condition his friend was in and that he had returned earlier than the stipulated date, things probably hadn't gone well, but he had to find out.

Curving his lips into a sad smile Maes replied. "Too bad, because you need it and now I have all the time in the world." Without further ado Maes took the bottle from Roy to place it on the kitchen counter and sat down on one of the high benches in front of it. "Come on, come over here and bring two glasses with you. If you behave yourself, maybe I'll let you fill yours."

Roy glared at him but Maes looked at him with such intensity that Roy gave up and did exactly as his friend told him. As soon as he sat down next to Maes, Roy filled his glass and downed it in one gulp.

"Hey!" Maes snatched the bottle from him and started filling his own glass. "No more alcohol for you. You definitely just had your ration for the month." At the look Roy shot him, Maes continued. "No excuses and no reproaches. We've talked about your drinking before, remember?"

Leaning his head back on his hand and avoiding looking at his friend Roy replied. "That was supposed to apply to Ishval related matters."

"That's what you wanted to believe. Here the important thing is that you are well." Maes answered him truthfully.

"And how am I supposed to be okay?"

"I don't know." Roy was about to retort when Maes raised his glass in front of his face to stop him. "But we can find out if we talk about what's wrong with you." After this Maes took a swig of his drink.

"I told you, I'm just exhausted. I want to go to sleep and forget about everything."

"And you think that way your problems are going to magically disappear?"

Roy turned to look at him with a mixture of annoyance, frustration and, though he didn't want to admit it, appreciation. Hughes was one of the few people who with just a few words managed to make him reconsider his actions. Giving a big sigh, Roy began to relent. "They're not going away but at least I can forget about them for a while."

"Well you know postponing things isn't going to change anything." Maes deposited her glass on the counter and turned slightly to look more steadily at Roy. "Come on, Roy." Maes continued to stare at him for a few seconds but seeing that Roy had no intention of speaking, he preferred to voice the doubt that had come to him upon seeing him. "You were with a woman?"

Roy couldn't help the slight blush that tinged his cheeks at being found out so easily. "What makes you think that?"

"I'll just say that red doesn't suit you." Maes said nodding his head at his lips and proceeding to take another sip of his drink.

Roy's blush multiplied in both embarrassment and anger. "Very funny Hughes, why don't you go and tell your little joke to someone who cares?"

At Roy's cold glare at him, Maes placed his glass on the bar and snorted. "Geez, buddy. You're in a rage today." Giving him a completely serious look he continued. "What would Riza think of your little adventure?"

Trying to hide his surprise Roy replied. "Why would you think it was an affair? I was with Riza."

Maes stared at him for a few seconds before answering. "If Riza was the person who left you marked..." He pointed a finger at the red stains on Roy's shirt, neck and lips. "I'm sure you'd be jumping for joy and not a couple of minutes away from exploding with rage."

"Shit, Hughes! Leave me alone!" Roy spat as angrily as possible while slamming his fist on the bar to which Maes replied with a stern look. "And don't look at me like that! I'm an adult and I can do as I please. And if you can't keep your damn curious nose out of my business, it's okay I'll indulge you with something okay? Yeah, I was with a beautiful redhead." His gaze darkened. "But I didn't sleep with her. Satisfied? Now go away if you don't want me to-"

Maes stepped forward and before Roy could finish his threat slapped him hard enough to almost knock him off his stool. "What the hell is wrong with you, Hughes!"

Grabbing him by the collar of his shirt to pull him closer to him, Maes said in an annoyed tone. "What the hell's the matter with me?! Really? Rather... What the hell is wrong with you, Roy?! You're not like that. Why are you being such a jerk when that role doesn't fit you? I knew something was wrong with you from the moment I saw you at the door but you're so stubborn you can't trust me and tell me what the fuck is wrong with you."

"And why the fuck should I have to?! It's none of your business, you're just a fucking busybody!"

Maes' grip loosened slightly and his hurt look caused Roy to quickly regret his words. However, before he could apologize Maes said. "Yes, I can get to be a busybody but I do it with the people I care about." He let go of Roy completely and turned to the bar. "You're my friend, Roy."

Roy buried his hands in his hair and placed his elbows on the bar. "Geez...I'm a mess. Forgive me, Hughes. I'm taking it out on you and you don't deserve it." A couple of tears ran down her cheeks. "I just don't know what to do."

Noticing his friend's tears Maes tried to lighten the mood with a joke. "Don't worry, buddy. You can change the mattress in the guest room, and with that you'll be more than forgiven."

Unable to help a small smile, Roy said. "I'll do that." He sighed "Too bad my problems can't be solved just as easily."

Placing one of his hands on his friend's shoulder, Maes gave him a couple of pats and asked. "You ready to talk, partner?"

Roy nodded his head and began to inhale deeply to prepare himself. He lifted his head and turned to look at Hughes. He stared at him for a few moments before averting his gaze and beginning to mutter. "I...have a son, Hughes."

In other circumstances Maes would be jumping up and down full of joy all over the apartment at the news, but the state his friend was in indicated that there was a lot more going on in the background, so he opted for a sincere smile and a calm tone of voice. "That doesn't sound like a problem, Roy. Maybe it is something unforeseen, but in the end it's part of the cycle of life. Who is the mother? Could it be your ex Riza?"

At the mention of her name, Roy squeezed his eyes shut and nodded. The gesture again did not go unnoticed by Maes, who asked in a concerned tone "What happened with Riza? I was sure you wanted to start a family with her."

"That's what I wanted but now it feels like something impossible."

"But, Roy, you can't disengage from him. He's your son."

Without quite understanding why, Roy felt the fury building up inside him and couldn't help but respond almost shouting as he stood up from his stool. "And how do you expect me to raise him?! I don't know him and I don't even know where he is!"

At Roy's reaction and words, Maes couldn't help but be surprised and avert her gaze to his glass. "Wow..." heaving a big sigh he continued. "That sounds complicated, would you mind explaining the situation to me?"

Roy took several deep breaths trying to calm himself down, before daring to answer. "Shortly before I came to the East for the first time, Riza got pregnant...when she found out she had already been at the military academy for a couple of months so she decided to give him up for adoption." Feeling like his legs wanted to start giving out on him, he sat back down. "My son was born in a northern city and she gave him up to a couple who helped her during the birth." Trying to use a sarcastic tone and cracking a sad smile Roy continued. "Now I understand why she became so mysterious a few years ago."

Roy's little story had surprised his friend. He stared at his half-full glass for a few moments before looking at it and asking. "What do you say we go look for him? That might fix everything don't you think?"

Roy looked at him reproachfully, but by that point Maes had realized it wasn't directed at him. "That's not possible. The couple that kept him disappeared. Apparently they weren't from around there either and as soon as they got the chance they left without saying where they were going."

Maes rubbed his neck and then put his hand back on his friend's shoulder. "Geez, Roy. I'm so sorry."

"Now do you understand my frustration? My desperation?" He directed a glance toward the bottle of whiskey in front of Maes. "Now if you'll excuse me..."

Before Roy could take it, Maes pushed it as far away from him as he could. "We haven't finished this talk yet. Besides I'm convinced that right now this is the last thing you need."

"What I need to feel better, I'll never have it, so leave me alone, Hughes."

"Ok yeah, maybe you can't see your son but what kind of example would you set for him if he saw you drunk yourself into unconsciousness?"

"It sure wouldn't be a big deal when you put it next to the fact that I'm one of the biggest killers in the country."

"Roy...I thought we had that cleared up."

Roy held up his hands in defense. "Yeah, yeah. All right, I won't get into it now. All I want to do is forget everything for one night okay?"

"Is that why you almost slept with a woman I'm sure you didn't even know before tonight?"

Rubbing his eyes with his palms in frustration and regret, Roy replied giving a sigh. "I was a little drunk okay? For a moment I thought it would help me forget everything but... I couldn't. Now I regret even considering it."

Maes stared at him. "Well at least you stopped. I hope it served as experience for you to know that alcohol and an unknown redhead are not a good combination. Now tell me, precisely what is that you want to forget, your son or Riza?"

"Does that matter?"

"Of course. If you want to feel better you have to talk about how you feel. You already told me what happened but now tell me how you feel about it." With a wry little smile he added. "I can figure it out but I want you to tell me."

"You're too curious for your own good, Hughes." Roy averted his gaze and continued. "I don't know, in general I'd like to forget all about it. Just remembering what Riza told me hurts."

"Do you hate her?"

"Maybe."

"Roy..."

"I'm not sure, okay? I thought she would be the love of my life. That we'd get married and have kids. And now that we have a son it's practically like he doesn't exist because I can't even put a face to him. I didn't know him and I didn't even get a chance to look out for him and his destiny." He began to clench the fist of his right hand. "I can't believe she kept it from me for so long... It would seem that it wasn't enough for her to enlist in the army without saying a word to me about it."

"I guess she should have told you about the army but at the end of the day it was her decision. It's her life and she has complete control to decide what she does or doesn't do. Besides, you didn't ask her permission to join the army, because you're an adult who makes his own decisions, right?" Maes said with a slight mocking tone at the end to rub Roy's nose in his own words he had uttered a little while ago.

Frowning slightly as he detected his friend's slight sneer, Roy replied. "At least I told her about it as things happened."

"You're right about that but you also can't hold it against her as much as you want to because, from what you told me after talking to her in Ishval, Riza just wanted to help you and, as I'm telling you, it was solely her decision."

"I didn't want her to get involved in this world. With me it was more than enough."

"But there's nothing you can do right now."

"And what about my son? Didn't I deserve to know about him?"

"Of course she should have told you, but she was what, 19? 20?"

"17."

"All the more reason." Maes squeezed his friend's shoulder to get his full attention. "Look, Roy, I don't intend to justify her, because at the end of the day I can't deny to you that some of what she did was wrong but put yourself in her shoes. She was very young and alone." Seeing that Roy wanted to retort, Maes removed his hand from his shoulder and put it in front of his friend as a sign for silence. "No matter how many times you wrote or called her, it wasn't the same. Her father was recently dead and she had no other family. I imagine she must have felt scared to be a mother so young and under those circumstances. Besides, if she was already at the military academy it sure didn't take her long to find out about the anti-fraternization law."

Roy looked down. "Apparently that's why she traveled north during her pregnancy."

"See, I know I don't have to explain the law to you but what do you think would have happened if the military found that connection between you and Riza?"

Roy looked up again and tried to gather back the anger that was beginning to dissipate. "I understand the consequences but didn't I have the right to decide about my own son's future?"

"Yes, you definitely did. I understand it must be difficult, but think about the fact that maybe the best thing for your son is to be away from the reach of the military."

Again a lone tear ran down Roy's cheek, who quickly wiped it away with his sleeve. "This isn't fair. This isn't the way things were supposed to happen."

Maes squeezed his friend's shoulder in support. "Unfortunately life isn't always fair. But that doesn't mean it's not worth living. There's a lot of things to do, especially for you, buddy."

Finally at that moment Roy felt the fury he had felt dissipate completely. There was still a very strong pain inside him, one that would probably stay with him for a long time, but Hughes was right. Even if he had acted in a way that upset him, Riza had sought to protect his son and surely himself. He still wasn't sure if he could forgive her but at least now he could say he was beginning to understand her.

"You're right. Thank you, Hughes. I really needed this." He tried to crack a small smile of thanks towards his friend but failed miserably and a slight grimace graced his face.

Understanding the effort it was taking his friend, Maes smiled instead. "Never underestimate the power of words." Noticing how Roy's expression was already more relaxed, Maes patted him on the back, got up from his stool and began to stretch. "Geez, Roy. Your stools are like train seats."

Roy just shrugged. "At least they look good."

"That's debatable but anyway, if you don't mind I've got a thing that calls itself a mattress waiting for me. Will you be all right on your own?"

"I think so."

"You are aware that I will notice if you take more today, right?" Maes said nodding to the bottle of whiskey resting on the bar.

"Don't worry, I won't overdo it."

"Preferably don't even touch it anymore." Adopting a serious tone Maes added. "Remember if you need me you can come and get me at any time." And giving him one last smile Maes headed for the guest room.

Giving a sigh Roy took the bottle, poured himself a glass and headed to his room. Once there he sat on his bed without bothering to turn on the light.

Hughes' words had reassured him. In a way he felt that his feelings were more in control but the pain was still the most dominant inside him. Feeling his heart clench, he took a sip of his drink.

"My son... How are you doing?... Are you happy?..." He turned his gaze to his window to stare at the moon as if trying to find an answer to his questions. "Will I ever get to meet you?" Without being able to help it, silent tears accompanied his thoughts.

A few days later Maes returned to Central, while Roy was trying to get used to his life in East City again. Certainly Ishval had marked him, so the first few days he felt uncomfortable going out and meeting the people who walked quietly through the streets, but little by little he could feel his life returning to normal, at least during the day.

As for the night, he was overcome by loneliness. Before nightmares haunted him with memories of the atrocities he had performed in Ishval and the fierce fight he had had with Riza, Roy drank some whiskey seeking oblivion or at least a little comfort. The first few days he spent alone after Maes' departure were the hardest. Not having his friend to supervise him, he allowed himself to get unconsciously drunk on weekends and on weekdays he drank more than he should have but enough to allow him to wake up with a tolerable hangover the next morning so he could carry out his professional duties without problems.

Roy continued with his new drinking habit for about three weeks, until Maes noticed his strange behavior in one of his phone calls, so the following weekend he was inside Roy's apartment emptying his entire pantry of alcoholic beverages.

"Why the hell are you doing this, Hughes?" Roy said grumbling as he tried to stop his friend from emptying all his alcohol into the sink.

"I'm doing it for your own good, Roy." Hughes replied as he emptied the third bottle.

Roy snorted. "I see no reason for you to have to worry about that. I'm fine. The alcohol is just entertainment. "

Hughes turned to look him straight in the eye with a raised eyebrow. "Does this look like healthy entertainment to you?"

"As long as it doesn't affect my duties in the military I don't see a problem with it. In case you didn't know, I haven't missed a day since I rejoined the job."

Hughes looked at him seriously. "And to keep up that pace of work is it necessary for you to destroy your liver in the process?"

Roy shrugged. "As long as it helps me accomplish my goal."

Hughes roughly dropped the fourth bottle into the sink, smashing it. Then he took a step closer toward Roy. "Do you really intend to change the country this way, Roy? Risking death over a foolish thing before you manage to do anything for it?"

Roy frowned. "I've got it under control. Besides..." He lowered his gaze slightly. "I need it."

"You definitely don't need it, buddy. You're just seeking false solace in drink but you're better than this, Roy."

"And what do you expect me to do with the guilt and regret?"

Hughes cracked a slight smile. "You know that."

Roy sighed. "Use it as a motivator to reach my goal. To prevent more people from suffering something similar." Roy said reluctantly as they were words Hughes had repeated to him a few times during his last days in Ishval.

"Exactly."

"Easier said than done."

"I never said it would be easy, buddy." Roy frowned again, at which Hughes added. "But if I told you that, it's because I'm sure you can pull it off. If anyone can change this country for the better it's you."

Roy softened his gaze. "You put too much trust in someone who doesn't even have the ability to raise his own child."

"Hey! That wasn't your fault. I'm sure, had the circumstances been different, you'd be a wonderful father." Hughes glanced at the empty bottles resting on the bar before continuing. "A wonderful father who wouldn't want to set a bad example for his son."

Roy looked at him somewhat hurt. "That was a low blow."

"Not when I'm absolutely certain your son hasn't been out of your thoughts this whole time." Roy's look confirmed to him that he wasn't wrong. "Him and Riza, if I'm not mistaken."

Roy exhaled heavily as he ran his hands through his hair. "Now I understand why they don't want to let you leave the research area. Yeah, I've been thinking about them. That's why I need the alcohol."

"Believe me, you'll be able to think better when your head isn't clouded by alcohol. Besides, your regrets aren't going to go away the more you drink. Unless of course you're drinking so you can repeat the foolishness of the other night with the redhead."

"Of course not! I couldn't do that to Ri-" Roy paused and opened his eyes wider as he realized what he was saying.

Hughes smiled, "You still love her, don't you?"

Roy ruffled his hair again with one hand. "I don't know, Hughes, I really don't. But...even if I decided to pursue something with her, as long as I'm still in the military it can't be possible." He paused slightly as he lowered his gaze. "I think it's best not to think too much about her, I'd rather focus on improving the country for my son, but I'm afraid I won't be able to accomplish that."

"Roy." When Roy raised his head again to look at Maes, Maes continued. "I don't think you can easily get Riza out of your heart. It's true that you still feel hurt now, but I'm sure that will pass. Besides, as I told you, I am completely sure that if there is one person who can change the country, it is you. That is why I will support you to achieve it, because I believe in you, because like you I want a better country for everyone. I don't want more innocent people to die or have to get their hands dirty. And in order for you to achieve that, you have to moderate yourself with this." He said taking one of the bottles in his hand to show her.

Roy smiled slightly. "You may be right but it's not a habit that can be easily changed."

"And am I painted or what?" Hughes replied with a smile and cheerful tone. "I'll see to it that you moderate your consumption and don't think because I don't live here that I won't be able to pull it off. I'll be calling you all the time, day and night and the first time I detect that something is wrong, you'll have me back here nagging you and emptying your reserve. So I would advise you not to throw your money away."

Without waiting for a response from Roy, Maes resumed his task of continuing to empty the bottles of alcohol without any further opposition. Roy was aware that his friend was right, but he knew it would be harder to continue to get the few hours of sleep he was getting with the help of booze. He resigned himself and wished his friend was right. He was too tired of it all to keep arguing with Maes.

In the days that followed, Roy continued to drink but with more moderation, as Maes, true to his word, harassed him daily by phone to confirm that he did not continue to get drunk. In addition, the constant reminder of what he had done the last time he had been drunk forced him to avoid a similar situation. So, in order to avoid reducing the temptation as much as possible, he would get engrossed in his work or read alchemy-related texts to distract himself and keep his mind occupied.

The changes to his routine brought a greater sense of normalcy to his life. Well, normalcy within what was possible since he now carried in his mind the memory of the Ishvalans whose lives he had taken but, as Hughes had suggested to him some time ago, he used that memory as motivation to reach his goal. Although he had to admit that, after the argument with Riza, he now had an even greater motivator: he would make Amestris a safe country where his son could live happily.

The pain was still there but he could not let it defeat him. Riza's decisions and perhaps fate itself had denied him the chance to raise his son but sometimes he thought that was his punishment for what happened in Ishval. So the least she could do was to make sure Amestris got better and thus he would be able to help her son lead a happy and peaceful life wherever he was.

With that resolution in mind he focused on his military career as he knew he had to work very hard if he wanted to make it to the top. In addition, to achieve this he needed loyal companions to accompany him along the way.

Searching through military records and touring the barracks facilities for a few weeks, he found the ideal companions. Jean Havoc, Heymans Breda, Vato Falman and Kain Fuery. They were a group of somewhat inexperienced soldiers but with different skills that would perfectly complement the team he was creating. In addition, the way they interacted with other soldiers showed their loyalty and the great potential they had.

Without realizing it, 2 months had passed since that difficult discussion with Riza and neither had tried to contact the other. Roy had dismissed the possibility of hating her even though he still wasn't sure if he could forgive her. As time went on he felt the negative feelings he had initially harbored for her disappear and a desire to forgive her filled that place but he couldn't quite accept that desire.

Roy thought that when he saw her again the desire to forgive her would come true but at the same time it would be an uncomfortable encounter so he was putting it off as long as he could. When he had gone through the barracks looking for members for his team he had intentionally avoided the firing range assuming that if Riza kept her word and asked to be transferred to the Eastern command she would be there and, although he was avoiding her, Roy was frankly surprised that he had not seen her once in the entire barracks. He even went so far as to think that perhaps Riza had ended up resigning from the military.

Roy's doubts were resolved when he was reviewing the paperwork he needed to sign on a Friday afternoon. Roy felt a headache coming on as he flipped through the number of documents requiring his signature, but one form instantly caught his attention since he had not long ago signed four of them.

Assignment of subordinate

He separated the sheet from the others and began to read it quickly until he found the name and signature of the person concerned.

Riza Hawkeye

So this is how things will be from now on. Roy thought and a small smile appeared on his lips. The time has come. I hope you are ready to talk.

The last two months had been difficult for Riza. Her old pains and regrets had been coupled with the horrors of Ishval and her latest argument with Roy.

After the argument, Riza continued to stay at her father's house for almost three more weeks. She knew she had to report to Central Command but didn't feel she had the strength to show the facade she always carried at Command. Besides, even though she felt a little foolish about it, she still held out a little hope that Roy would knock on her door to fix their situation.

But Roy never came back.

She couldn't blame him, and even though a small part of her wanted to see him, she still didn't feel ready to face him. The words the two of them said to each other still echoed in her head and squeezed her heart constantly. Yes, she had made some very serious mistakes but she never believed that the man she loved would rub them in her face like that.

As a few days passed in which her thoughts were her only company, Riza decided that it was enough of lamenting and waiting for someone who would never come back. She had to move on. She had sacrificed so much that now she couldn't afford to let herself fall. So, trying to bury her grief, she packed up her things and returned to Central City.

The afternoon she arrived, Rebecca welcomed her with open arms and took her on a tour of the city trying to cheer her up as Riza guessed she had realized she wasn't quite well.

When they returned to her apartment they had lunch together and Riza thought she should share with someone the recent events so she told her a little about Ishval (she didn't want to go into details) and focused on telling her what happened with Roy. At first Rebecca got upset and insulted Roy as much as possible before Riza asked her to let her talk.

Riza told her that, despite the way she had told him, at least now she could know Roy's feelings about her secret. She also told her how hurt she had been by his words but that this didn't stop her from responding angrily to his accusations as well (an action that Rebecca applauded greatly).

At the end of her story Riza felt a little lighter as her friend gave her a hug to comfort her. She knew that the pain she was feeling would probably not leave her completely but as she confided in her friend about what had happened and the emotions she had been experiencing she felt calmer. Despite having spent several days alone to reflect, Riza realized that the company of people who appreciated her was what helped her the most to cope.

The next day they both showed up at Central Command, separating at the entrance since Riza had to report back after a few extra days of absence she had taken. Fortunately, given the recent conclusion of the Ishval war, Riza had no problems rejoining and was quickly assigned some activities.

A few weeks after his reinstatement to Central Command, Riza had a difficult decision to make. On his desk was a memo, which was meant to remind all participants of the Ishval war that there were only 3 days left to process any request for transfer of command. While in Ishval, Riza had decided that upon returning to the city she would immediately request her change to be under Roy's command but now, because of how things had ended between the two of them, she wasn't so sure.

Riza spent a couple of days mulling over her decision. She knew it was very difficult, but she was considering the possibility of fulfilling on her own the dream Roy had once shared with her. At that point she no longer cared what Roy thought of her but she feared that if they worked together they might not be able to handle their discomfort in front of each other and that would end up delaying or inconveniencing their plans. These thoughts were going round and round in her head preventing her from making a resolution.

The morning of the last day of applications went normally for Riza. That day Riza had decided to stay at Central and find her own way to improve the country. She was so sure of her decision all day until, at the end of the work day, as soon as she set foot outside the headquarters a noise made her stop in her tracks. At first she thought she had imagined it but there was no way she could be wrong. It was Edward's crying on the day she had left him. She turned to her sides and realized it was impossible for her son or any other baby to be in the quarters. So it's all in my head... Why does that memory come to me just at this moment?

Trying to push the memory away she took another step forward but the crying got louder. Riza stopped again and her breathing began to speed up slightly. Does this mean I'm also giving up something I shouldn't? She turned to stare straight ahead at the headquarters, ignoring the people staring at her as they passed her. The only thing she was focusing on at that moment was remembering the warmth of her son's little body when she held him in her arms. Riza didn't know how long she stood there without really seeing anything specific as a firm resolve formed inside her. I will not fail you again, my boy. I can't have you but I can find a way to create a better country where you can grow up and live happily. It doesn't matter if the best option to achieve this is to work together with Roy. And with her final decision made, Riza walked back into the building with hurried steps as the transfer office was about to close.

When she told Rebecca about her transfer, her friend couldn't believe it. At first she thought she was making a mistake but once Riza mentioned Edward to her there were no more complaints. Rebecca knew that Riza would do anything to ensure a better life for her son. So, understanding the blonde's motivation, Rebecca helped her pack and prepare for her new life at Eastern Command.

Riza didn't know how Roy would take her transfer to the East but she was determined not to let it faze her. She was sure that Roy's professionalism would be more important than his emotions so she didn't think he would reject her or look for a way to send her back the way she came, but how they would perform in day-to-day work was still a mystery. She knew that, despite everything, she still harbored feelings of love for him, but she would not seek any closeness. There were more important things to do.

With the idea of laying all the cards on the table from the start, on the first day in her new unit Riza got up even earlier than she usually did expecting Roy to be in his office before his teammates. So, trying to keep her expression serious and professional, Riza walked into Eastern Command to find what would be her new work office.

Roy got up very early and got ready to go to the headquarters. He wanted to avoid as many soldiers in the command as possible, including his new subordinates because, if his intuition wasn't wrong, he knew she would do the same.

He arrived at the barracks an hour before general entry time so he was not surprised to find his office closed. His new subordinates were good and loyal but not exactly early risers. No sooner had he sat down in his chair than a few discreet knocks on the door announced that his intuition was correct, so he couldn't help a small smile making its appearance.

Remembering what was about to happen Roy wiped the expression from his face. "Come in."

The door opened to make way for Riza Hawkeye who walked up to his desk to quickly perform the military salute and introduce herself to her new commander. "Riza Hawkeye, sir."

They both stared at each other for a few seconds. Roy was a little surprised at Riza's demeanor. The last time he had seen her she had been engulfed in tears and before that she wore a face haunted by the horrors witnessed on Ishval. Now her expression revealed nothing, though knowing her as he did, Roy could perceive a hint of pain that slightly shadowed her gaze. He knew Riza was a serious person and when she focused on an activity her full attention and concentration was centered on it. He couldn't say that he had never seen that serious face before, but he had never witnessed it being directed that way at him.

Trying to focus on the matter at hand, Roy broke the silence without taking his gaze from hers. "Despite what you went through in Ishval, you still chose this path?"

Undeterred Riza replied. "Yes, Sir. I made the decision to wear this uniform of my own free will."

Roy averted his gaze to take in Riza's assignment form. "What is your area of expertise?"

"Firearms." At Riza's quick response, Roy couldn't help but be surprised but tried not to let his expression give him away. "I like firearms because they're not like swords or knives. The feeling of death doesn't linger in the hands."

Roy put the document down on his desk and stared at Riza again. "That's just fooling oneself. Are you fooling yourself so you can continue to get your hands dirty?"

Without a moment's hesitation Riza replied. "Yes, Sir. We as soldiers should be the only ones with blood on our hands. No one else should have to go through what we went through in Ishval. If the world can be expressed through equivalent exchange, as the alchemists claim, then for the next generations to be happy, as payment we should carry the bodies on our backs through a river of blood."

They both knew it. Even if Riza had not said it out loud Roy could easily understand the message hidden in her words. I want our son to grow up happily in a safe country.

Feeling how Riza's hidden message merged perfectly with his own desire Roy stood up and placed his hands behind his back. "I plan to make you my assistant. I'd like you to watch my back, do you understand? Trusting you with my back means you can also shoot me at any time. If I ever stray from the right path, shoot me with your own hands. You have that right." Waiting a few seconds so Riza could think about what he had just told her Roy continued. "Do you accept?"

Riza closed her eyes and replied. "I do. I will follow you to hell if you ask me to."

Roy waited for Riza to open her eyes again before continuing. "As an individual I have no power. That is why I need all of you to help me protect this nation. I will protect you." Roy looked at her with intensity so that Riza realized how seriously he was speaking to her. "In return you will protect as many as possible. No matter how few, you must always be watchful of your subordinates and in turn those under you will protect their subordinates. No matter what happens, stubbornly hold on to your will to survive. Live and help change this country."

Staring at him as she performed the military salute Riza replied. "Yes, Sir. Your orders for today?"

Realizing that Riza didn't want to talk about their private matters, Roy took the initiative. "Answer my question, how are you feeling, Riza?"

Riza's eyes revealed the surprise the question caused her but quickly changed to her professional countenance. "Fine, Sir."

The answer annoyed Roy so he slapped his desk to emphasize his point. "I'm not asking Second Lieutenant Hawkeye, I'm asking you, Riza." Feeling a lump begin to form in his throat, Roy tried to ignore it and added in a whisper. "The mother of my son."

Those last words seemed to break down the mask and the wall Riza was putting between them. Her serious and reserved expression changed to give way openly to grief and sadness. Her eyes seemed to glow but Riza held back the tears that surely wanted to overflow at the memories. Letting out a big sigh to try to steady herself, Riza replied. "It seems to me that this is not the appropriate place to discuss personal matters, Sir." Despite the situation, her tone was firm and professional.

"I know you thought of that too when you came in today. We have almost an hour before movement begins in the headquarters. Plus I'm sure my new team isn't going to arrive until at least 15 minutes after check-in time." At that point Roy relaxed his gaze completely. "We need to talk about what happened."

Riza seemed a little hesitant at first but quickly said. "All right, Roy. As you wish."

"How are you feeling, Riza?"

At the repetition of the question Roy had recently asked her, Riza looked him square in the eye and realized she would have no choice but to answer it. "Honestly terrible, but determined." At Roy's confusion, Riza continued. "I miss my son...it was a very short time I held him in my arms but I miss him terribly. I love him and even though it hurts to be separated from him I am beginning to realize that he is going to be better off away from the military and from me." At that moment Roy could see the decision in her gaze accompanied by a tear that slid down her cheek in those moments. "I'm also very sorry for keeping you in the dark about your son. I never meant to hurt you like that. I wanted to protect you and support you but I ended up ruining everything. I don't even deserve your forgiveness."

"Indeed, you hurt me deeply." Another tear escaped Riza's eyes. "I thought Ishval had been the worst thing I had ever experienced in my life but I was so wrong. The pain, betrayal and sadness I felt being with you was unlike anything I had ever felt before."

Riza lowered her gaze. "I'm a terrible person aren't I? I'm a liar, a poor excuse for a mother, a bad partner and most of all a murderer."

Roy placed his hands behind his back and began to walk slowly to approach Riza taking care not to take his eyes off her. "Exactly, Riza. I think I can agree with what you said."

Although she had tried to brace herself so as not to break down, hearing those words from Roy, the love of her life and father of her child, wounded her deeply. Every word uttered by him seemed like a new dagger burying itself in her heart. So, unable to hold it back any longer, she let her tears flow freely and her shoulders shook trying at least not to have a loud cry.

Roy could notice Riza's behavior and couldn't help but feel bad about it. But he knew it was necessary. Yes, Riza had suffered enough for her decisions but Roy had to be firm and somehow express how much her confession had hurt him.

Arriving in front of Riza, Roy lowered his arms leaving them at his sides and stared at her for a few seconds before continuing. "You have made some very serious mistakes. I never thought the little girl I knew years ago would become this woman full of sin." Riza continued to sob quietly. "Did you really think I could forgive you?" Riza shook her head. "Good...now look at me."

Riza hesitated for a few moments but finally raised her head slowly until her eyes met Roy's gaze leaving her slightly surprised. She knew this was now a conversation of Roy and Riza, not one of a boss and his subordinate. So she was surprised to see that his gaze and even his face had easily changed and no longer had that casual mask of indifference of a few moments ago. Roy's dark eyes looked at her decisively conveying everything she was feeling at that moment: pain, sadness, regret and... love? Of the latter she wasn't sure, but try as she might she couldn't perceive the intense fury and anger Roy had during their last encounter at her father's house.

They stood for a few moments in silence, only contemplating each other's gazes until Roy decided to continue. "You're a murderer and a liar." Riza held his gaze despite the tears still running down her cheeks. "The bad partner thing...that's debatable, but you're definitely not a bad mother."

At Roy's last sentence, Riza responded forcefully. "Of course I am! I don't even deserve the title of mother. What kind of person abandons her child with a couple of strangers?"

"Someone who wishes to protect her child at all costs."

"Don't try to minimize my crime."

"I'm not. That's why I'm directly telling you that you're a murderer... As am I. We're both a pair of murderers." Roy said with a regretful tone for what happened in Ishval. "But I can't call you a bad mother when all you wanted was to protect him and even me." Roy softened his gaze. "I understand that now."

Riza was surprised by his words but she wasn't about to give in. "I could have kept him...protected him on my own."

Roy sighed. "I would have loved for you to do that and, more importantly, for you to tell me. But, unfortunately, you were right to try to keep him away from the military. We were too young and probably wouldn't have been very good at hiding what happened between us."

Riza couldn't help it anymore and looked down. "I should have made better decisions."

"We all make mistakes... mine was leaving you alone and blindly trusting your words." Closing his eyes to remember those times Roy continued. "I should have taken you with me from the start. I should have tried harder to convince you to see me. I knew there was something strange when we talked on the phone when...you were pregnant. I should have listened to my intuition and found out what was wrong with you. I should have paid more attention to you." Roy sighed deeply and opened his eyes. "There are a lot of things I should have done differently."

"But in the end I was the one who hurt you." Riza said sadly.

"I hurt you too. I said terrible things to you, I misused the alchemy you entrusted me with, and on top of that I destroyed your back." Sighing, Roy asked. "How's your wound holding up?"

"It has healed completely." Riza said without giving her own wound any importance, as she lowered her gaze. "Of my own free will, I offered to give you the secret of fire alchemy and I myself was the one who asked you to destroy it. You have nothing to regret. Instead, I do. I have hurt you deeply and in the worst possible way." In a trembling voice and almost in a whisper, Riza added. "Perhaps it would have been better if you had never met me."

"Do you regret what we experienced together?"

Raising her head to stare at Roy with a look full of determination, Riza answered him. "No. I regret my mistakes but I can never regret loving you."

"Me neither." Roy's soft tone surprised Riza. "Although I must admit I'm having a hard time forgiving you... But I really want to try."

"Roy..."

Realizing that words were no longer enough Roy pulled Riza to him and hugged her tightly. Riza let herself be guided and clung to him as she inhaled deeply into his scent. It was a very different embrace than the ones they had shared before. Before, their embraces were full of warmth and easily conveyed the love they had for each other. Now the love was still there but it was not the protagonist at that moment. The desire to seek and provide comfort and, above all, to share the pain were the feelings they were conveying to each other. Riza let her tears continue to flow as Roy settled his head on top of hers. A few seconds later Roy could no longer control them and silent tears ran down his cheeks.

They both stayed like that for a few minutes trying to transmit in that single moment all the feelings they had accumulated during the last years. They wanted to stay like that for longer but they were aware of the place and time they were in so, reluctantly, Roy began to pull away from her, keeping his hands on Riza's shoulders.

"We have a lot of work to do, Second Lieutenant."

Understanding the situation and Roy's even deeper message regarding his goal, Riza swept her arm across her face to wipe away tears and then brought her hand up to her forehead to perform the military salute. "Yes, Sir."

Roy moved his hands away from Riza's shoulders to drape his arm across his own face and subsequently made his way to his desk. The moment he sat down in his chair he regained his composure and hoped that the trail of shed tears would go unnoticed by his team when they arrived.

As for Riza, she quickly wiped her face with a handkerchief she carried in her purse and left the office without a word to return a few minutes later with two glasses with a few ice cubes. Approaching Roy's desk she placed one of them on it. "It will help take the swelling away, sir."

Roy couldn't help a slight smile at Riza's efficiency. Even though she needed it the most, he appreciated the gesture. "Thank you, Second Lieutenant." And they both began to busy themselves with their activities.

The things that had happened between them had fractured their relationship but both kept hope that they could mend it as time went on. Neither said so but it was clear that they would not be pursuing a romantic relationship in the near future. There were still many wounds that needed to heal first and, frankly, they needed time to get to know each other again. The time they had been apart had changed them but they still shared the same dream and the same pain. Unfortunately their son was not with them but he would always be a bond that would keep them together and if there was one thing they were sure of, it was that both would do everything in their power to improve this country and thus, indirectly, be able to give something to their son.