A/N: Hi! :)
We have arrived to chapter 5. We hope that you like it and we really would like to read your opinions :)
See you in two weeks!
Golden and Flame
Disclaimer: Fullmetal Alchemist characters don't belong to us. We are just having fun with them.
Chapter 5. Shared feelings
Like every morning, Riza woke up without the help of the alarm clock. Fortunately she was now able to sleep the minimum necessary for her body to keep going, since after the war, that seemed almost impossible with the nightmares that tormented her every night, causing her to sleep restlessly. However, even though she was already coping better, from the moment she opened her eyes she could not shake the thought that this would be an extremely difficult day for her. It was a day that filled her with joy and happiness but at the same time filled her with guilt, sadness and nostalgia.
Trying to focus, she got up and began her daily routine before heading to the headquarters: bathing, getting dressed, having a cup of tea with some cookies and finally grabbing her bag and leaving her apartment for work.
Upon entering the headquarters, she formally greeted the officers who crossed her path on her way to the records office, a place she visited daily on work days since she had to pick up the respective paperwork assigned to her unit. Once she had the paperwork she headed to the office, where she placed the papers she had collected on her desk along with her bag and began to distribute the documents that would correspond to each member of the unit. Obviously the person who had to look after and sign the most documents was his superior as he was the highest ranking in the office, but Riza frequently took it upon herself to make Roy's task easier by reading through various documents beforehand to recite a summarized version to him when she handed him his paperwork.
A few minutes into his work, the office door opened and his colleagues began to arrive, the first being Sergeant Major Kain Fuery, who as always was the most punctual. A few steps behind the Sergeant, Warrant Officer Vato Falman arrived in turn.
"Good morning, Lieutenant Hawkeye." Fuery greeted cheerfully.
"Good morning, Sergeant Major Fuery." Riza replied as cheerfully as that day would allow.
"Good morning, Lieutenant." Falman saluted.
"Good morning, Warrant Officer Falman."
After a few minutes, as Riza, Fuery and Falman were already starting to work through their paperwork, Second Lieutenants Havoc and Breda entered, the latter carrying a paper bag that probably contained some snacks to get them through the workday.
"Hey, good morning everyone." Havoc greeted.
"Good morning, guys. Lieutenant." Breda greeted, giving a slight bow with her head in Riza's direction.
"Good morning, Second Lieutenant Havoc, Second Lieutenant Breda." Replied everyone present in unison.
"Hey, where's the boss? Don't tell me he hasn't arrived?" Breda asked.
"Indeed, he hasn't arrived yet. Apparently today will be one of those days when his sheets stick to him." Falman replied.
" I find that odd." Said Breda scratching the back of his neck.
Havoc couldn't help but laugh as he amicably slapped his friend's back. "Please Breda, you know the boss is sometimes late and more so when he has a date the night before."
Breda laughed too. "Well, it's just that he hadn't done it during the week and less so when he's supposed to have an important meeting in half an hour."
"Well if I was dating a girl like the one he was with last night, I wouldn't have minded being late for work the next day either. Probably, as Falman says, he got stuck with the sheets and something else."
The men continued to laugh until Riza spoke calmly.
"Gentlemen, please leave your comments until lunchtime and get your paperwork done."
"Yes, Madame." They responded in unison, but they couldn't help but notice that Riza's tone was different than usual, it didn't have the same level of intensity and seriousness as every day.
She continued her work as diligently as her current mood would allow. This specific day was proving difficult for her and although she tried at all costs to avoid it, Havoc's comment had upset her when normally she would let it go. Riza, for God's sake, it's been years since he and you had a relationship. The one thing that brought you together is not within reach for either of you. Roy is a young, attractive man, with a good rank in the military and SINGLE. It's not the first time you've heard of him dating some attractive girl, you've even seen it and accepted it. You have learned to move on for your goals as work comrades and maybe you have regained his friendship. Do you really think he has forgiven you for what you did? Do you really think he still loves you after that? Riza shook her head and inhaled deeply, trying to push away the thoughts that were tormenting her at that moment and to regain her composure.
Twenty minutes later Lieutenant Colonel Mustang came rushing into his office. "Good morning." He greeted hurriedly.
"Good morning, sir."
"That was a good romp last night, wasn't it, boss?" asked Havoc suggestively, who was sitting at his desk fiddling with an unlit cigarette in his mouth.
"At least I got more dates than you." Roy replied smiling arrogantly.
"Well I'd have more if you didn't take them away from me." Havoc replied grumpily with his arms crossed.
Roy frowned. "It's not my fault you don't know how to keep girls on your side." Running his hands across his shoulders to make sure his badges hadn't slipped off during his morning run to his office, Roy continued. "Anyway, I'm in a hurry and I'm in no mood for jokes, where's my folder with the issues I need to address at the meeting?" He asked as he searched through the items on the desk in the main room.
"They are in your office on your desk, Sir." Riza replied neutrally.
"Thank you, Lieutenant." Roy headed for his private office finding the folder and shortly after left the main office to quickly head for the boardroom.
"Well, at least he got here on time." Fuery said with a shrug.
An hour later, Riza arranged her paperwork, sorting the papers into the categories of reviewed, completed, pending review, and those requiring Roy's signature. Sighing, she got up from her desk and grabbed one of the guns from her desk drawer to head to her daily practice at the range with her friend Rebeca.
"I'll be at the shooting field in case anything comes up." Riza said to the unit members as she made her way to the office door.
"Yes, Madame."
As soon as Riza stepped outside, Mustang's men began to murmur.
"Hey, Hawkeye is weird today, don't you think?" Havoc began.
"Yeah, surprisingly she didn't scold the Lieutenant Colonel for being late." Fuery said.
"Nor did she ask for him when he was already late." Added Falman.
"Nor did she reprimand us for joking about Mustang's appointments and especially yours Havoc." Breda added thoughtfully.
"Hey!" Havoc gave him an offended look before focusing back on the conversation. "Now that's weird though. She's been quieter than usual today."
" Is she sick?" Fuery asked worriedly.
"I don't know. The Lieutenant is always very responsible, even if she's sick she's still working. Besides I don't get the impression she has a cold or anything like that. Maybe we're imagining things." Breda replied.
"It doesn't seem to me that it's just our imaginations. To others it may go unnoticed, but to us who work side by side with her it's not. Something is definitely happening to her." While scratching his chin thoughtfully, Havoc suggested. "Maybe she just has a headache."
"Or maybe she has a personal problem." suggested Falman.
With a worried look, Fuery added. "I just hope she feels better soon, because now it's like she's missing her usual glow."
"I know!" Havoc said as he bumped his right fist with the palm of his left hand in discovery. " I bet the boss slacked off again yesterday and pissed her off. Remember, he ran off a little early to meet the girl I saw him with yesterday. He probably didn't even finish his paperwork."
"Probably." Falman said.
"As long as we don't pay the piper, it's okay." Breda replied.
"Well, we'd better get on with our work if we don't want to upset the Lieutenant further if Havoc's hypothesis is true." Falman said.
Everyone else nodded and resumed their work.
An hour later, Mustang returned to the office and took a seat in his desk chair crossing his arms across his chest and sighing heavily. Truly the meetings with the generals, especially when Hakuro was present, were very tedious for him. He turned his gaze to Riza's desk and found it empty, which surprised him a little at first but then he remembered that it was the time she usually went to practice at the shooting field. He hoped she would be back soon so he could observe her carefully and discreetly, as he sensed something was wrong with her. Not having scolded him today for his tardiness or reminded him that he didn't do all his paperwork yesterday was extremely unusual coming from her, but, above all, more unusual was the tone of voice Riza used when she told him where the folder he was looking for was before their meeting. To anyone else it would sound normal, but to him, who had known her for a long time, it did not go unnoticed how dull her tone of voice denoting, probably, a slight sadness or nostalgia emanating from her words.
A voice brought him out of his thoughts. "Hey, boss, now what did you do to Hawkeye?" Havoc suddenly asked, as he entered Roy's office.
"What are you talking about?" Roy asked as he leaned his elbows on his desk and intertwined his fingers to rest his chin.
"We all agree that Hawkeye is a little weird today. She hasn't scolded you for your tardiness or us for being too much of a tease during business hours. Plus we've been feeling her slightly off." Explained Havoc who was playing with his unlit cigarette in his mouth.
"And why do you suppose I'm to blame?" asked Roy slightly offended with a raised eyebrow.
"Because you're usually the one responsible." Havoc smirked, which caused Roy to frown. "But seriously though, didn't you notice her weird?"
"Yeah, a little. Maybe she has a headache." Roy said trying to deflect attention. If Riza had any problems or worries on her mind, she would hardly tell her coworkers about them.
"Maybe." Havoc conceded although he still wasn't entirely convinced.
Noticing the doubt in Havoc's tone, Roy decided not to give further opportunity for conversation regarding what might be happening to Riza. "We'd better get to work, because if she's got a headache I don't think it would be a good idea to piss her off." Roy joked lightly.
"Well say it for yourself, boss. You're the one running away from your duties and leaving us with your paperwork. All for a few dates." Havoc grumbled.
"Havoc, you better get to work before you make me lose my patience and light that cigarette of yours too much."
At that Havoc only snorted and left the office to resume his work in the main area of the unit. After a sigh, Roy also did the same so he began to read and sign his paperwork absentmindedly since his mind was still thinking about Riza. She was definitely onto something if even the guys noticed. He sighed heavily again. If upon her return she's still the same, I'll have to figure out how to talk to her without the others noticing.
At the shooting field, Riza was focused on her targets, taking down one at a time with perfect accuracy. Despite her dedicated nature and polished skills, on this occasion Riza was trying to focus even more, intending to find a way to forget for a moment about the feelings that were invading her that day.
When Riza had been training for a few minutes, Rebeca Catalina arrived at the shooting field and took her place in the shooting cubicle that was located to the right side of Riza's.
"Hi, Riza! Sorry I'm late!" Rebeca greeted effusively.
"Hi, Rebeca. No worries. I started warming up while I was waiting for you." Riza said before impeccably firing at her next target.
Rebeca noticed that Riza didn't make an attempt to look at her when she greeted her, so she contemplated her face for a few seconds searching for her gaze and could tell something wasn't right with her friend. As good as Riza was at keeping up appearances, Rebeca couldn't properly discern what she managed to perceive in her gaze, but what she was sure of was that whatever was happening to Riza, it definitely had to be something important, since her friend was not someone who easily let her expression and gaze reveal something of what she really felt, so the fact that a single glance at her gaze revealed to Rebeca that something was bothering Riza was strange.
The dark-haired woman continued with her curious gaze but Riza didn't give her a chance to decipher if there was really something that was bothering the blonde. Giving a sigh, Rebeca decided to focus on her training so she began to load her rifle.
Rebeca finished settling into her assigned cubicle and before taking her first shot of the day, she turned to her friend. "Hey, Riza, are you feeling okay?"
"Yeah, why?" Riza lowered her rifle and, after a couple of seconds, turned to look at her friend.
Rebeca finished her round of shots and met Riza's gaze. "Because I get the impression that there's something wrong with you. I don't know exactly what's wrong with you but there's definitely something. Maybe anger. Don't tell me that Mustang pissed you off again with his slacking off?"
Riza smiled slightly at Rebeca's words and shook her head. "No, he didn't make me mad."
"So? Surely it was Havoc along with the whole ball of slackers in your unit."
"No, Rebeca. No one has pissed me off. I appreciate your concern, but I'm fine. I'm just a little tired, I haven't slept much the last few days."
"Nightmares?" Rebeca asked with a concerned tone.
Riza just nodded. Rebeca was aware that Riza suffered from nightmares since her return from the war. Even a couple of months ago, when Rebeca had requested her transfer to the East, she had insisted to Riza that they share an apartment together again to which Riza refused as she had decided to live in her own apartment since she didn't want to burden her with all the post-traumatic stress Ishval had left on her.
Despite Riza's response, Rebeca felt there was more to it, so she decided to insist. "Is it just the nightmares?"
Riza felt her chest tighten at the thought of the main reason for her mood, but she didn't want to share it with anyone. Right now she didn't have the strength to face it. Maybe later she would tell Rebeca what was going on with her, but not right then.
"Yes, that's just it." Riza replied with a feigned smile before continuing with her target practice.
Rebeca sighed and focused on her practice. She knew Riza very well and knew that when she wasn't in the mood to share something with her, there would be no way in hell to get her to talk. She just hoped that whatever was going on wouldn't hurt her any more than it already was and that she would soon get up the courage to talk to her so she could get it off her chest. For the time being, she would find a way to at least for a moment make her forget whatever it was that was bothering her. So she looked at her again and smiled broadly as an idea occurred to her.
"You know, what you need is to get yourself a handsome, rich man who will help you forget about those nightmares and make you have other kinds of dreams." She moved a little closer to her and spoke softly so that only she could hear her. "Or better yet to distract you at night." Rebeca said suggestively, waggling both eyebrows.
At her friend's insinuating words, Riza's eyes grew wide. "Rebeca!"
"What?" replied Rebeca, shrugging her shoulders innocently and smiling. "Isn't that a good idea? I'd do it, but I still can't find the handsome and rich man who will take me out of here."
Riza just shook her head and couldn't help but smile at her friend's witticisms, especially since she realized Rebeca's true intention to get her, even for just a moment, out of her current state of mind.
"You're hopeless, Becky." She paused slightly. "Thank you."
Rebeca returned the smile. "Anytime."
The day continued to pass normally, after her talk with Rebeca, Riza tried to forget about what the date represented, but unfortunately she was unsuccessful. She tried to distract herself by cleaning her weapons, doing paperwork and even in covertly listening to Havoc's absurd talks, but nothing worked. When it was finally time to leave, Havoc, Fuery, Falman and Breda were the first to leave as was their habit when there was no paperwork pending on their part or when there were no missions. On his part the Lieutenant Colonel was still finishing some paperwork that he had left pending the day before because he had retired early.
Normally Riza would stay to assist him even if he did not ask her to do so, but today would be the exception, since all she wanted was to get to her apartment, have a cup of tea, give free rein to her thoughts and reflect on what this day represented for her.
Willing to follow her plan for that evening, Riza made her way to Roy's office before retiring. "Sir, if you don't need me, I'm retiring." She said in a solemn tone.
Roy lifted his gaze from the document he was reading to try to meet Riza's eyes, but she deliberately avoided focusing her gaze on his, focusing hers on a spot on the wall above his head. "It's all right, Lieutenant. You're dismissed, only first I'd like to know if you're all right."
Riza, still not looking him in the eye, replied calmly. "I'm fine, Sir."
Roy looked at her incredulously and insisted. "Are you sure?"
She nodded. "Yes, sir. If you'll excuse me, I'll proceed to retire. Have an excellent evening." She gave the military salute and headed for the door.
Roy sighed. He knew that, when she put her mind to it, Riza could become very stubborn so he wasn't surprised that his question hadn't gotten the kind of response he expected. Resigned, he bid the blonde farewell. "Good night, Lieutenant." Roy followed with his eyes until she disappeared from his field of vision, at which point he returned his gaze to the missing paperwork. She definitely has something, I've got to hurry up with these damn papers to find out.
When Riza arrived at her apartment, she changed from her uniform to civilian clothes and decided to go for a walk to do some shopping and try to distract herself a little. On the way back home, carrying a paper bag with her purchases, she passed by a park and decided to sit on a bench near the small lake that was there, feeling the winter breeze that slightly moved her blonde hair. She couldn't help but contemplate the couples passing by and especially those who were accompanied by their children. Her gaze stopped on a couple of children running past, while behind them were their parents shouting at them to slow down while apologizing to the people being pushed by their children.
Riza cracked a slight smile as she watched the scene. Those kids are probably Edward's age and if everything had been different, Roy and I would be just like those parents. Definitely, as much as she tried not to focus on it, today was a very melancholy day for her. Riza was aware that there was no such thing as "if", that it was too late to try to change things, and that, despite everything she was suffering, at the time what she had done was the best thing to save her son and even Roy's life.
After a few minutes, Riza could no longer bear the joyful laughter of the children that involuntarily squeezed her heart with remorse and nostalgia, so she sighed heavily and then stood up to resume her way back to her apartment.
As soon as she reached her apartment, she made herself a cup of tea and left it on the small coffee table in the living room. She headed to her room to fetch a book and an object that she had refused to see for the past few years, but now she needed it more than ever. She sat down and placed the book along with the object beside her. She took a sip of her tea and grabbed the object she had kept hidden for many years but carefully preserved, just like the pendant Roy had given her years ago. The object in question was the only photograph she owned of her baby, just a few days old, wrapped in the yellow blanket Rebeca had given her.
Riza contemplated the photograph carefully for several minutes, softening her tense features as she did so, but at the same time she could not prevent her eyes from beginning to fill with tears. Soon after she brought it close to her lips and kissed it delicately, before pulling it close to her chest and holding it there for a few minutes. She closed her eyes and whispered. "Happy birthday, my love. I can't believe it's been 10 years already... time goes by so fast. Probably if I bumped in front of you, I wouldn't recognize you. They say newborns change quite a bit." She sighed. "What I'm sure of is that you must be a charming child and you're probably just as attractive as your father." She opened her eyes and looked at the photo again and then began to tenderly stroke the baby's imprinted face with her thumb as she allowed her tears to slide freely down her cheeks. "Despite the time, I haven't stopped thinking about you. I'm always wishing you the best but... it hurts so much not to have you by my side, not to be able to hold you, take you to the park, buy you a present and make you a birthday cake..." The lump forming in her throat intensified momentarily silencing her words as she sobbed.
Riza was aware that, since she had left her baby, a gaping hole had been made in her heart, one that worsened with the war and as the years went by it was only spreading. However, she had tried to ignore that pain all this time to dedicate herself completely to her work in the military but, after almost 10 years, she could not do it anymore and allowed herself to have that moment of fragility to cry for what she had lost and for what she could have had if she had kept her baby in the hope that Roy and she could have raised their child together.
It had been 2 years since Riza had confessed to Roy the existence of their son. After the heated argument that followed that confession, Roy and she had spoken to clear things up and thus try to at least recover the sincere friendship that had previously existed between them but, in spite of that, Riza felt that something had broken between them and she had the feeling that Roy had not yet forgiven her completely. What she did recognize was that as time passed, they were slowly getting closer to becoming the friends they once were.
Although it was a somewhat slow process, Riza was grateful that her working relationship and even friendship with Roy was slowly improving but, if she was honest with herself, there were days when she really would have liked to resume her romantic relationship with Roy, but at that point she knew it was impossible. As long as they were both still in the military love affairs had to be completely ruled out and besides she didn't feel worthy of Roy's love after the deep way she had hurt him.
Rebeca had urged her to date men, to try to have a relationship outside the military and to be happy, but Riza had not done so because she didn't feel worthy of having any happiness after all she had done. Besides, even if she tried to pursue happiness next to one person, she was totally convinced that her heart would never accept anyone but Roy Mustang, no matter everything that had happened between them. All this despite the fact that she was aware that Roy had decided to turn the page on their relationship and had started dating several women since a year ago. It pained her to see him with other women, but she had to admit that he was a very attractive man, young and single, so he had all the resources at his disposal to attract the attention of any young lady who crossed his path. Her head accepted that reality but her heart did not.
With the hand that wasn't holding the photograph, Riza took the pendant with the letter "R" that Roy had given her years ago and squeezed it between sobs. Previously, she wore it all the time before she revealed the truth to Roy about their son, but after that event she only wore it on rare occasions, today being one of them, as it was the only means that brought her some comfort by bringing back beautiful memories of their time together.
Time continued to pass in the living room and Riza abandoned her cup of tea still with some liquid in it. Her attention was focused on the photo she was holding as she clutched the pendant and continued to cry lightly until, some time later, she heard someone knocking at her door. She looked at her watch and realized that it was already 9 p.m. Who could it be at this hour?
She placed the photo in the middle of the pages of the book resting on the coffee table, wiped away her tears, took a deep breath to try to regain her composure and went to the door. Before opening the door, she looked through the peephole to see who it was. Roy? No, the Lieutenant Colonel? What's he doing here? She thought before opening the door.
"Good evening, Lieutenant." Roy Mustang greeted cheerfully, dressed in civilian clothes.
Making an effort to keep her professional voice from shaking from the tears she had been shedding until moments ago, Riza replied. "Good evening, Lieutenant Colonel, to what do I owe your visit?"
"I would like to have a word with you, may I come in?"
Riza was confused that he would be at her door at this hour. When he came to do so it was either because they were behind on paperwork or because they were planning a mission, which was not the case. However, being his superior and friend, she couldn't be rude and leave him outside after making the trek home, so Riza stepped away from the door and opened it fully to make way for him.
"Come in, sir."
"Thank you." Roy replied with a slight nod as he passed her.
Once they entered, Riza closed the door and took a deep breath before turning her face to him. Although she usually felt comfortable and safe in his presence, at these moments the last thing she wanted was to have him around because of the memories and nostalgia that were overwhelming her that day and seemed to lash out even more strongly at having him only a few steps away from her. Determined, she turned and made her way to the small living room of his apartment.
"What do you wish to talk about, Sir?" she asked without looking directly at him and with the most neutral and calm tone she could hold at the moment.
It did not go unnoticed by Roy that she was still avoiding his gaze and that her tone of voice was, though almost imperceptibly, slightly shaky, plus her eyes looked a little reddened. What is the matter, Riza? That screamed his gaze, but she refused to look him in the eye.
Roy was getting worried. There had been very few times he had seen her cry, so in a soft voice he asked her. "Lieutenant, what's wrong with you?"
"Nothing, sir. I don't understand what your question is about." Riza tried to stand her ground as she spoke.
Roy shook his head. "You know what I mean. I've noticed you a little strange during the day and if there's anything I can do to help you I'd like to know. Remember I always look out for the welfare of my subordinates."
Roy has noticed my state of mind. I have to avoid looking him in the eye, if I do it will be impossible for me to hold back my tears. She thought before answering. "I thank you for your concern, Sir, but I really feel fine. I'm just a little tired. I haven't had enough sleep, but I'm hoping I'll be lucky this weekend to catch up on some sleep. So don't waste any more of your time. Your date is probably waiting for you."
"Jealous, Lieutenant?" Roy joked with a slight smile to try to cheer her up and find a way to get her to open up to him, like she had years ago.
She shook her head, trying to keep her composure. "Not at all. You are a single man and have every right to date whomever you please." She lied, despite how much it pained her to have to deny her true feelings.
Roy frowned and sighed. "I have no commitments today. Now what I want to know is what's wrong with you." Roy said in a concerned tone putting formalities aside and crossing his arms over his chest.
"I already told you, I'm-"
Roy didn't let her finish. "Riza, I'm worried about you. I didn't come here as your superior, I came as your friend." He said in a concerned tone.
Despite everything he still cares about me? How could he not? Remember everything you've been through together, not to mention that you have a son. But don't get your hopes up because he only does it as a friend. Isn't that what you wanted? An internal debate started in Riza's mind so, before it got out of control, she decided to find some excuse to avoid the impending talk, because she knew he was as stubborn as she was and wasn't going to give up until she got her answer. "I'll go to the kitchen for some tea, would you like one or would you prefer coffee?"
From her demeanor and because he saw that on the center table was a cup with some tea in it, Roy could tell that she was deliberately avoiding the conversation. However, the simple fact that she hadn't kicked him out of her apartment yet boded well, so he decided to be patient and go with the flow.
"Coffee is fine, thank you."
"Have a seat, I'll be right back." Riza said pointing to the couch in her living room as she headed for her kitchen.
As soon as Riza disappeared from his sight, Roy glanced around and inhaled deeply. The place was as neat and clean as anyone who knew Riza Hawkeye knew it would be. Also, subtly, there was a faint scent of jasmine that reminded Roy of all the times he had had the opportunity to hold her in the past. Exhaling slowly Roy opened his eyes and made his way to the couch and, as he did so, he couldn't help but be curious to see the book lying on the seat. He bent down to pick it up, but as he did so he could see that something had fallen on the floor. He set the book down on the table and bent a little closer to pick up what had fallen. He stood up holding what appeared to be a small, thick, white sheet but when he turned it over he noticed that it was a photograph of an apparently newborn baby.
Roy guessed it was a newborn because of how small the baby looked and the sparse amount of hair that was noticeable on its head. It had blond hair and golden eyes full of life and innocence, as was to be expected of a creature just beginning to live. But there was something in that photograph that invited him to take a closer look, so he walked to the window that was at the end of the sofa with a view of the city.
He looked at the photograph closely, in the extra moonlight. Every detail, every faction of the baby, its tiny hands. Why would Riza have a picture of an unknown baby? She has no family or friends who have children. I don't think it is a stranger. Suddenly the realization of who that little baby might be hit him, causing his eyes to widen and a tight feeling to fill his chest, making it difficult for him to breathe. Could this possibly be my child's picture? Our baby's picture?
At that moment, Riza appeared with a steaming cup of coffee which she placed next to hers on the coffee table, oblivious to the fact that Roy had his back to her standing in front of the window. Roy always liked to procrastinate by watching the city through the office window and, at such times, that habit of the colonel's was a great thing because then Riza could avoid looking directly into his eyes.
"Sir, your coffee is ready." She said in a neutral voice, as she sat down on the couch and took a sip of what was left of the tea she had left before Roy's arrival.
Roy didn't answer right away. He remained quiet for a few seconds, trying to find the right words in that instant. His silence puzzled Riza.
"Sir?" When there was no answer, she pressed, looking in his direction. "Is something wrong?"
Roy turned slowly, again seeking to meet her gaze, but she was still avoiding him, so he inhaled deeply. Riza didn't understand her superior's sudden seriousness and silence until her gaze stopped on the photograph he held in his right hand. At this she startled and tried to regain her composure as quickly as possible to prevent him from noticing, though she knew beforehand that it would be in vain. They had already known each other for many years.
Suddenly the awkward silence between them was interrupted by Roy. "It's him... isn't it? He's my... our son." He said the last sentence in a whisper that she could barely hear.
Riza was stunned for a few moments before she dared to nod her head, keeping her gaze away from him.
For his part, at the confirmation of his hunch, Roy turned his gaze back to the photograph, unable to help but relax his features and crack a slight smile. My son, our son. He quickly raised his gaze in Riza's direction and returned it to the image he was holding. For the first time, since I learned of your existence, I can put a face to you, my son, just when I thought I could never do it.
Riza gave him a sidelong glance, not missing Roy's demeanor at the image of their baby.
"Why hadn't I seen it before? I thought you didn't have any of him." Roy said calmly and maintaining his smile.
Riza sighed heavily before replying. "That photograph is the only thing I dared to keep of him. It was a gift from the couple that stayed with him." She paused and turned her gaze to her lap, trying to muster all her strength not to break down in front of him. "I hadn't seen that picture for years...I feel like I don't even deserve it after all I've done, so I've left it tucked away in my memory box. But today...I just couldn't help myself."
Roy watched Riza closely, seeking to read her body expression. Trying to understand her words, her feelings and her pain, the same pain he felt for not having been able to raise his child. Suddenly his gaze stopped on the pendant she wore around her neck, one he hadn't seen her wear in a while. His heart began to ache deeply at the thought of what might have been and what probably never will be, while at the same time a part of him berated him for allowing himself to suffer for it because, for all he had done, he had no right to do so, no right to dream, much less to be happy.
Taking a breath, he asked her. "Why couldn't you help it today?"
Riza felt a lump form in her throat, her chest tighten and tears begin to form in her eyes again. You have no right to suffer or long for anything. Not after all you've done. The voices in her head were nagging at her, but it was something that was getting out of control. It had been years that she had been putting up with them, that she had ignored those feelings, but apparently everything was exploding inside her. Unbidden, a couple of tears began to run down her cheeks.
"Because... today is his 10th birthday." Riza replied in a broken voice.
Noticing the tears and her tone of voice, Roy instinctively moved towards the couch. He carefully set the photo down on the table, took a seat next to her and pulled her to him in an embrace. At first, she tensed, but he immediately began gently rubbing her back in comfort, so that she forgot in that instant that he was her superior and saw him as the father of her child, as her best friend, as the man she had loved for a long time.
"Cry all you need to, Riza, it will do you good." Roy whispered, though she could sense that his voice was cracking as well.
Riza allowed herself to lean her forehead against his chest and sob as she clutched at his shirt with her hands, while he instinctively placed his chin on her head, hugging her tighter against him and rubbing her back. A few seconds later, Roy couldn't help shedding his own tears. They stayed like that for a while, he felt her tears on his shirt and she felt her tears from him on her head. Roy exhaled heavily. Regret and suffering gnawed at every part of his being. Watching Riza suffer like that broke his heart. Despite everything that had happened between them, he hadn't stopped loving her and at that moment he was sure he could never stop.
"Forgive me, Riza, forgive me... It would have been better if you had never met me, so that you would never have to go through all the suffering I have brought you. Perhaps if I had not crossed your path, you would now be happily married to a good man who would love and respect you. Who would give you a home and a family. You would have your children by your side, you could pamper them and give them all the love and gentleness that characterizes you... Forgive me for having interfered with that destiny, for having ruined your life... for having brought you so much misfortune... sorry." Roy said what at that moment was going through his mind, with a tone full of regret and pain.
Riza was surprised to hear Roy's words and especially when she perceived the deep pain and regret emanating from his words. She had never blamed him for what had happened, nor did she understand why he should be the one to apologize for what had happened. Riza was aware that everything was the result of her own decisions. Decisions she had made on her own, without anyone forcing her. With that thought in mind she began to shake her head, released her hands from his shirt and wrapped her arms around him, hugging him with the same intensity as he did, not caring that he was actually her boss and she his subordinate. They hadn't indulged in this kind of contact since the two had reconciled after Riza's confession.
Riza had forgotten how much she missed feeling Roy's closeness, the comfort, warmth and protection that his very presence brought her. She couldn't help but remember those times when they weren't superior and subordinate, when they were just a couple of teenagers who loved each other deeply. Those times when they could afford to dream of a future together, when they didn't have the amount of sins they now carried. Unfortunately for them, because of their own choices, all that was in the past. But despite everything, a part of her knew that he would be the only person who would perfectly understand her feelings right now.
She pulled away from his chest slightly, causing him to take his chin off her head and look at her. For the first time that night, she held his gaze, softening her features.
Both of them had red, puffy eyes and both shared a look filled with pain and guilt.
"Sir... Roy." She had stopped calling him by name a long time ago, she knew that given his current situation in the military it was inappropriate to do so, but she wanted her message to be clear to him. "You are not to blame. I have never blamed you and never will. Everything bad that has happened is solely my fault, for the choices I have made. I don't regret meeting you because, unlike what you say, I believe that if I hadn't, I would have stayed alone in that house. I would never have known sincere friendship, I would never have felt safe, protected and above all, I would never have known true love." Roy was surprised at her words. She inhaled deeply and continued. "Without you, I wouldn't have had that precious child..." They both turned their gaze to the photograph, looking at it tenderly.
Roy turned his gaze back to her, his guilt returning. "But now you're suffering because of me. I should never have left you behind. If I hadn't, our son would be with us today."
Riza shook her head, hugging him tighter. "It's not your fault...my decisions were not the best...I should have waited for you instead of joining the military." Riza said in a sad voice.
"I should never have left you in the first place." Roy reiterated.
"You never did, but that doesn't matter now." Riza inhaled deeply "What's done is done and we can't do anything to change the past, but we can change the future." Despite her tears, Riza's tone was determined.
Roy sighed heavily. He knew she was right, but it pained him to see her suffer like this and it pained him to not be able to have the future he had dreamed of so much at her side when he was younger.
"It's ridiculous that I should allow myself to suffer for our son, when I have no right to do so, not after all I've done." Riza interrupted his thoughts with a tone full of self-deprecation.
Roy hugged her tighter to comfort her. Shaking his head, he said. "It's not ridiculous. Your feelings reflect what a good person you are and make you human. You're not made of steel, Riza, so don't ever punish yourself for being human."
Although her mind kept screaming at her that she didn't deserve to be comforted, Riza managed to push the voices out of her mind by drowning them out with the warmth and reassurance that Roy's closeness brought her. "Thank you, Roy." Riza said, allowing herself to place her forehead once again on his strong chest, inhaling his scent. Ever since they had been friends, he had always been her strength, her motivation to keep going, and despite everything, he still was. She was aware that when he left her apartment, they would go back to being superior and subordinate, so she selfishly tried to enjoy the closeness of her best friend, of her first and only love... the father of her son.
Roy, like her, enjoyed the closeness of the woman of his life, hugging her tightly and rubbing her back in comfort. They remained hugging and sobbing lightly for a long while, until they had no more tears to shed.
When he felt her breathing relax more, he tried to start a conversation. "Don't you think we're too young to be parents to a 10-year-old?" Roy tried to say in a playful tone that didn't go unnoticed by Riza. It had been years since she'd heard it.
"Maybe. If we'd kept it we'd look like a couple of kids playing house. We were so young." Riza replied trying to sound a little more animated. "If we had gotten married, I think instead of taking care of one baby I would have had to take care of two at the age of 17." Riza said this last sentence with a little more humor, to tease Roy as she did before.
Roy detected Riza's teasing tone, broke away slightly from her embrace and looked at her feigning a face of annoyance and disbelief. "What do you mean two babies?"
She couldn't help but crack a slight smile at him. "Our son and you, of course."
"I beg to differ with you. It would only have been our baby, since I would be your husband, the baby's father and the man of the house."
Thinking about what it would have been like to have Roy as a husband raising their child together motivated by the pleasant familial atmosphere that was building between them, Riza replied. "You've always behaved like a child and I dare say you still do."
"Me? Behave like a child? You're wrong, I'm a man through and through, and as proof of that is the existence of our son." Roy said in a proud voice puffing out his chest slightly.
"I didn't say you were a child, I said you were behaving like one."
"Of course not." Roy grumbled, exaggerating a bit in doing so as he was having fun with this conversation, plus he could see it having the same effect with Riza.
"You always grumble about paperwork and procrastinate too much. At my father's house you loved to go out and play children's games at the lake when we were already teenagers, you made a fuss when you scraped a knee and I can go on and on." Riza said listing with the fingers of her hand each of the things, not being able to help but be slightly amused by Roy's childish behavior.
"It's not my fault. Paperwork is boring..." Realizing what he had said and seeing the look in Riza's eyes say an 'I told you so' he decided to cut his sentence short and tried to change the subject. That battle was already lost for him. He turned his gaze back to the photograph before asking with a joking tone. "Are you sure that's my son?"
He immediately received a elbow in his side and a murderous glare from Riza. Roy quickly held up his hands in surrender. "I was only joking. I would never doubt you, it's just that I can't help but feel a little disappointed that I don't see any traits of mine in him." He confessed in a quiet, wistful tone. "Though I must admit that having inherited more of your traits will protect him from them trying to link him to me should the case arise." He acknowledged sadly.
Immediately, Riza noticed the sadness in his gaze and could understand it perfectly. She was almost certain that her baby would inherit his dark hair or eyes, being more dominant traits. In a soft voice, she decided to cheer him up. "Maybe he didn't inherit your physical traits, but what I am sure of is that he has your character."
He looked at her incredulously. "Don't take this the wrong way, but you were with him too short a time to know his character."
She moved her hand to his arm and began rubbing it in comfort. "Still, I could tell he inherited your character." She flashed a slight smile. "Whenever I held him in my arms, I always thought of you."
He returned her smile. "Then I guess my son has a lovely character." He said in a slightly smug tone.
"Yes, a little bit of that, but mostly because he was just as demanding as you." Riza said in a teasing tone. Definitely those moments she was sharing with Roy were cheering her up and helping her get through that day.
"Demanding? What do you mean by that?" Roy asked, confused, as he raised an eyebrow.
"Well this little baby almost wouldn't let me sleep because he wanted all my attention. As soon as I'd get a little bit away from him, he'd start crying and wouldn't calm down until I held him and cooed at him."
"I've never done that. Besides you're comparing my character to the behavior of a newborn baby." Roy grumbled.
"If you don't misremember, you always wanted to spend most of your time by my side, even if I was cooking or doing other household chores. You always ended up helping me just to spend time with me, even if I was just reading. And when we started our relationship, you would barely leave my side, hugging me all the time."
They both smiled at the memory. Not being able to help but feel nostalgic for those moments.
"I miss those moments." Roy whispered.
"Me too." Riza couldn't help but remember the times she had seen Roy dating other women, so she couldn't help but add something else. "At least you get to relive those times with some of the women you date." She couldn't help but say those words with a tone of bitterness, as she ducked her head to avoid his gaze and clasped her hands in the fabric of her skirt.
Roy sighed and shook his head. "I could never relive those memories with any of those women for the simple fact that they are not you." Riza was slightly surprised at his statement but was more surprised when he took one of her hands in his, gently caressing it. "Riza, I'm going to tell you a secret that only Madame knows." Roy gave her hand a light squeeze. "Ninety-five percent of the women I date are Madame's informants, we pretend to go on dates and everything else so as not to arouse suspicion. They share military information with me that helps me to be prepared for any eventuality and, more importantly, to keep moving up the ranks."
Riza raised her head, somewhat incredulous at his confession. She looked into his eyes to try to corroborate that it was true because, despite the years, she could detect in his gaze when he was sincere and, indeed, she found it to be true. Before she could help it, a few words slipped out of her mouth. "And the remaining 5%?"
"They're girls who cross my path who are dying to go out with me. I accept their invitations and take them out to dinner, the theater or the movies, so I continue to strengthen my reputation as a womanizer and go unnoticed by the higher-ups." Roy gave her a small smile. "What I want you to know is that those outings are only limited to that. I haven't taken any of them to my bed like everyone thinks."
Riza couldn't help the joy that came over her at the news, but it was quickly stifled since she couldn't help but think that this revelation was of no use to her if, at the end of the day, even if they wanted it, they couldn't be together. They had more important goals and things to focus on than themselves. But the feeling of relief, happiness and love would not fade regardless and, seeing the warmth in his gaze, she wanted to believe he felt the same way.
"You know you don't have to explain yourself to me. You are a young, single man. You have every right to date whoever you want, to pursue your happiness."
He continued to stroke her hand. "I could say the same thing to you and here we are, a couple of people who refuse to do it because they feel and believe they don't deserve it."
She just nodded her head without removing her hand from his. She allowed herself to lean her head back on his arm, while also stroking his hand with her thumb. She closed her eyes for a moment to concentrate on the moment she was living, enjoying his closeness, his warmth, his scent, his caresses on her hand, remembering the soft, sincere, sad, guilty and even tender looks he just shared with her. A part of her wanted to believe that now, after two years, he had sincerely forgiven her completely, because up until now their interaction had been limited to the work aspect and, although they had already improved their relationship as friends with the daily coexistence they had with their other colleagues, they had not had this kind of closeness.
Roy was surprised when he felt her lean on him and return the caresses. Like Riza he enjoyed the moment and dared to momentarily withdraw his hand from hers to embrace her and pull her a little closer to him, gently rubbing her shoulder. With his other hand he took one of hers and intertwined their fingers. To his surprise, Riza didn't object, so he closed his eyes as well and began to enjoy the sensations around him. He still wasn't entirely sure if he had already forgiven her for what had happened, but what he was sure of was that his feelings for her hadn't changed and inwardly he was grateful that hers hadn't either, even though there was also a small part of him that wished she would pursue her happiness even if it wasn't by his side.
The two remained like that for several minutes, comforting each other, without the need for words. By their simple actions they understood each other and brought comfort to the other, because they both knew what they were suffering. Roy didn't like to see Riza in pain just as he knew she didn't like to see him like that either. After a few more moments, he opened his eyes and realized that Riza was looking down at the photograph of their son. He too stared at the photograph for a few minutes until Riza noticed.
In a low voice and without taking her eyes off the picture, she said. "If you want, maybe I can find a way to make a copy of the photograph for you."
As much as he would have liked to have a copy of the only picture they had of their baby, he knew it might be risky and he didn't want to put his son or Riza at risk for anything in the world, so he ended up shaking his head. "I think it's best that you're the only one with this picture. We can't afford to risk his life for anything in the world." He replied quietly. She just nodded her head, fully understanding what he was referring to.
A couple of minutes later, Roy spoke again. "Happy birthday, my son." He said quietly without taking his eyes off the picture.
"Happy birthday, my baby." Riza followed him.
Roy laughed lightly. "He's turning ten and you still call him a baby? He's close to becoming a teenager."
"True, but to me he'll always be my baby. No matter how old he is."
Roy looked at her with understanding. "I understand what you mean. If I'm honest, I think I'd always look at him as a baby too." He sighed. "Although now that I think about it, wow... 10 years, I think I'm starting to feel old."
Riza smiled slightly at Roy's exaggeration. "You are young. It's just that we conceived him when we were too young."
Roy laughed lightly. "We were, but despite that I don't regret that night."
"Neither do I. I just wish things had happened differently after that."
"Me too." Roy inhaled deeply. "But hey, today is supposed to be a joyous date, so we shouldn't be sad. I certainly wish we were all celebrating his birthday together, but that doesn't mean we're not going to avoid wishing him the best and sending him our best wishes." Roy said with a slight smile and casting an affectionate glance towards the photograph.
Riza picked it up to bring it closer to them and blushed slightly. "I was talking to the photograph shortly before you arrived."
Roy maintained his smile. "Well, I guess it's my turn then." Roy rested his hand on the photograph without taking it away from Riza and began to speak to the photograph. "Son, even though we can't be by your side I want you to know that your mother and I love you very much...we always will and we will continue to work very hard so that you and all the people of Amestris can live in a place filled with peace, tranquility and happiness." Roy sighed and a loving smile graced his lips. "Happy birthday, son."
Riza smiled at Roy's heartfelt words. "Happy birthday. We love you, my love."
After lingering for a few moments focused on the photograph, Roy let his feelings take over. He leaned over and tenderly kissed Riza's temple. She was surprised by the gesture, but couldn't help but feel a warmth invade her entire body, bringing her to life again and feeling parts of her being thaw. She turned her head to look at him and met a gaze just as warm as the kiss she had just received.
"Thank you for allowing me to share this important moment with you." Roy said gently.
Riza returned a soft, warm look. "Thank you for joining me, without you... I probably would have had a completely depressed time." She confessed to him.
"Anytime. Remember that you don't have to carry everything. We've always shared the burden of all our mistakes, never forget that. Besides, believe me if I could make you forget about all that burden and have me carry it for you, I would do it without hesitation."
"Thank you, but I have to take responsibility for my share. Besides I wouldn't want the burden to overtake you, so I'd rather keep sharing and balancing ours."
Roy nodded his head. "Agreed."
Roy let go of the hand that was intertwined with hers so he could embrace her fully. Without hesitation, Riza returned his embrace. The two held each other tightly, her face hidden in his strong chest, while his chin rested on top of her head. They both closed their eyes and relaxed, feeling each other's presence for a long moment. Even if it wasn't in the way they wanted, they both shared together what that day meant as the role they couldn't allow themselves to be: A pair of parents who loved and missed their child.