18th July

Tonks had a private word with George after we came home last night. I know they talked about me and my 'episode' because George has been acting extra especially nice to me all day. I had breakfast in bed, he's taken the day off work, and now he's saying that he's got a surprise planned.

"George… I really -" feel like rubbish was what I was going to say, I don't want to go anywhere, I want to lie here and be on my own and at the same time I don't want to be alone with my thoughts because there is so much going on at the minute and I'm kind of terrified of going anywhere and it happening again.

"You're going to love it, I promise!" he took me by the hands and pleaded. His eyes were just filled with adventure and his half smile was mixed with a bit of hope and a bit of mischief; I couldn't resist.

I shook my head and took a deep breath, "Fine."

"YES!" George jumped and punched the air.

"No tricks, no jokes -"

His jaw dropped, "None?"

I pursed my lips at him, "No inappropriate jokes, nothing too energetic and certainly be aware if I say no, I mean no."

He saluted, "Received and understood."

As soon as I presented myself as 'ready', George put a backpack over his shoulders and excitedly took me by the hand and led me through Diagon Alley and out the other side of the Leaky Cauldron into Muggle London. We walked along the pavement, though the hustle and bustle of London in the summertime. It was warm and dry – the perfect weather to make anyone feel better. I had on a summer dress and sandals, a combination not often seen on a girl like me. I was making an effort. Street after street we walked and George told me all the new ideas for the business.

"Fred said that he hadn't been for a while."

"Been?" I questioned, not too sure where this was leading, "I don't have super-sonic-twin-connectivity, so you're going to have to translate."

George smiled, "He said he hadn't been for a poo in days."

"Charming."

"So I thought I'd make a joke out of it."

"Out of your brother's constipation?" I eyed him incredulously.

"You see, I said, 'brother, why you no poo?' and what did he respond?"

I looked up at him with a smirk, knowing something ridiculous was probably going to come out of George's mouth, "What did Freddie respond?"

"Hey, that rhymes with You Know Who."

"Oh, here we go."

"Don't you see how brilliant this is?"

"You're going to make some of those bloody sweets that's going to constipate the nation, and you're going to use the tagline…?"

"Why worry about You Know Who, when you've got You-No-Poo."

"Of course it is."

"The constipation sensation that's gripping the nation." George imagined aloud, raising his hand in the air as though planning a billboard, "the perfect tagline, Freddie and I just weren't too sure on how to word it. You're the best, Katy!"

"You know, sometimes I don't know why I speak."

"You know you're my greatest inspiration." He put an arm around me and pulled me incredibly close, and squeezed tight.

"Glad you think of me when you think of poo."

"I always think of you, darling."

"'Preciate it." I felt bemused, realising that I was going to be living with poo jokes for the rest of my life. You know, you can do worse.

So George and I rocked up at London Zoo. The first animals we saw were galloping Gazelles, which were so graceful and gorgeous. Around the corner was an enclosure full of giraffes, which made me giggle because there was a newborn that was walking quite like myself in heels, a little unsteady and likely to topple over at any given time. With the giraffes were zebras and elephants, living, as I imagined, like they did in the wild. Also grouped together were howling wolves, cackling hyenas and George was chomping at the bit to get around to the next enclosure where the lions were being fed. The Daddy Lion, or leader of the group was roaring at the little cubs who tried to eat at the same time as him. It was funny watching the lioness scolding her babies just as an adult would chide their children from taking food from their parent's plate.

"You know… I feel like we've walked miles." George said as we rounded the path and reached a play park and grassy area.

"Wanna go play?" I joked.

His face lit up, "If only I wasn't too big to swing with the little kids…"

"You know, some day when we have our little ones, you can feel very free to play on the swings with them."

He beamed at me, "I look forward to it. Little Katy Jr and George Jr will be the perfect excuse for us to get our kiddish-ness out."

"You don't need to have children to have an excuse to get your kiddish-ness out." I told him as we walked around the grassy area, "you do it already, every day." I elbowed him, "You'll be a great father, though."

"And you will be the perfect mother."

I looked up at him and smiled, leaving things unsaid.

"Shall we take a seat here?" he pointed to a nice spot of grass and handed me a blanket out of his backpack, "I made us lunch."

I bit my lower lip, praying that the food was a) sensible and b) edible. But I wasn't counting on the third option of c) highly romantic and perfectly thought out, sensible and mouthwatering-ly edible.

"Did your mother make this?" I had to ask.

George smirked, "I have learnt a thing or two, you know." He handed me a scone, butter, cream and strawberry jam, "I can't pretend I've made these, but you know, I'm trying."

I leaned over and put an arm around him and planted a kiss on his cheek, "It's perfect, thank you."

My heart felt so full, because he really was putting an effort in to make me feel better and it was most definitely working. He even suggested that we go to his parents for dinner this evening, as we'd been invited, but he wasn't sure if I wanted to go. He even offered to cook for me. He really is trying to understand what I'm going through, knowing that there are dark days and it is okay to talk about them.

"What happened yesterday?" he asked me as though asking about the weather.

I told him what Andromeda told me, I told him about the looks when I asked about why it was so significant that I was born and how I got a bit upset and then when we were eating I had 'an episode'.

"I've seen you having those," he said, taking a sip of juice, "you kind of just sit there in a world of your own, like you're sleeping with your eyes open."

I nodded, "Except it's one of those naps you feel a lot worse after having."

"That was a really crap analogy, sorry…"

"Nah, it was just right." I told him, "It's part of the PTSD, I had it a lot after Barbara as well as the panic attacks and – everything else that went with that."

"So you feel like you did when you were a kid?" he lifted out a box of fruit salad and offered me a fork and the two of us dug in. It was like we weren't having this deep, meaningful conversation, yet it was so intense that the sounds of the children playing around us and the chit-chat of others was dulled.

"At times I feel like I'm about to explode." I told him honestly, "But it's all contained, for now, inside me. But if anyone else decides to get murdered in front of me, or reckons it's a good time to tell me I'm the spawn of Voldemort, please just tell them to hold off for a few weeks until I get my head screwed back on straight again, if they don't mind."

"You're not the spawn of Voldemort." George chuckled to himself, "He'd have had you recruited long before now and besides, you'd not be half as attractive as you are and I'm pretty sure you'd have been able to open the Chamber of Secrets."

I smirked, "True." I laid down on the blanket and held my hand up to block the sun from my eyes, "it's so peaceful here."

"Are you sure we're in the same place?" I watched him as he looked around, "There are children everywhere, there is so much noise and those parents look like they wished they never brought their kids to the zoo. And it smells like dung when the breeze is pointed in the right direction."

"Bliss." I smiled, letting out a contented breath.

"I haven't seen you this relaxed in so long."

"I feel good after our chat." I told him, "And for the fact that you convinced me to get out into the open air and bathe in this glorious sun." I sat up, "I want to share something with you."

George looked at me peculiarly as I made an orb shape with my hands and acted as though this orb had a great force, "This is my inner being," I told him, "I was told as a kid if I ever found anyone good enough that I could share my inner being with them, all the pain, all the suffering and all the hurt, but also all the good times, all the laughter and all the happiness with." I looked up at George who had a look of concentration on his face, "This person couldn't be just anyone. They had to be my 'Prince Charming', the person who makes you feel good inside when the darkness is trying to take over. She told me that if I was to split my orb in two," I split my hands apart and kept them cupped, "then I'd be able to share all my burdens with that person, so that we will be able to experience the good times together and make a few of our own." I placed one of my hands on his chest and the other on mine, "You're my person, George, and I'm happy with you and I want to share myself with you."

"I'll carry your world," he told me, patting his chest where my hand was, "Look at me, I'll carry your world and all your hurt, so that we can experience all the good times together."

I leaned my head on his shoulder.

"I mean it, Katy." He kissed the top of my head, "I think by saying that you're struggling at the minute is an understatement, and I want you to know that I can see that, and I'm here. I want you to have more good days than bad days, I want you to have a reason to get out of bed in the morning. I want you to want to get out of bed in the mornings."

We locked eyes and I reached up and placed my hand on his cheek, "You make me want to get out of bed in the mornings and want to get back into bed at night."

He raised his eyebrows and smirked, leaning in for a soft kiss.

"And we're even doing PDA's now!" he looked at me with pure delight.

"For you, anything." I stood and reached down to pull him up, "Let's go see some monkeys before you say anything else gushy that makes you sound like a babbling bumbling baboon."

"Oh Kathryn, dear, it is so good to see you!" Molly reached up and kissed my forehead, "You're looking well."

"Thanks, Molly," I gave her a hug.

She smiled at me, "I trust you had a good day out?"

"Oh, the best!" I sat myself up on the countertop and started swinging my legs, "It means a lot to be able to have George all to myself for the day. And the weather? Hasn't it been lovely?"

"Yes dear, we were out de-gnoming the garden this afternoon." She stirred the dinner which was simmering away, "which reminds me, something arrived for you in the post, it was not unlike Narcissa's bird, and it refused to leave for hours ;'/when I told the owl you weren't here. I left it on the mantelpiece. Ron was desperate to open it, but I put a jinx on it to burn him."

I smirked, but filled with curiosity grabbed the letter which was addressed to 'Katy' and brought it over to the table. Fred and George walked in, having been upstairs to see Harry, Ron, Ginny and Hermione. "George?"

"Yeah?"

"You didn't… write to me, did you?"

"No…" his eyebrows furrowed and he slotted into the seat beside me, examining the handwriting with me, "open it up."

I gently broke the seal and revealed the contents of the letter. My eyes darted to the bottom and I let out an audible gasp and dropped the letter onto the table as though it was infected.

"It's – it's – it's from my mother." I was shocked to say out loud, I never imagined that, after all this time, that she'd actually write to me.

Molly looked terrified, George was filled with cautious curiosity and Fred, for once, didn't say something completely sarcastic, "Well… go on, then."

My beautiful Katy,

Yes, it was me. Cissy told me about the muggle court and what happened, no one hurts my baby and gets away with it.

I wanted to use these letters as a way of getting to know each other. There were sixteen years that I spent wondering what you were like and the person you had become. You are far more beautiful than I ever imagined, and Cissy hasn't a bad word to say about you. Draco has complimented you and has told me more about working together in Potions class. He also told me that you aren't afraid to talk back to Severus Snape. I don't like him much, either.

What are your hobbies and interests? Did you go to a muggle school? Do you enjoy school? What subjects are you thinking of doing for NEWTS? What did you get in your OWLS? I will be proud of you whatever the grades. I am so proud of you. Feel free to ask me questions.

I look forward to seeing you again following the completion of your itinerary. I eagerly await your owl on your birthday pledging your allegiance to the Dark Lord. I am already preparing a schedule of training to make you the most talented witch at the Dark Lord's side.

Love, Your Mother,
Bellatrix

"Never took her for being the maternal type." Fred said from over my shoulder.

"Oh, but you have to remember the effect I have on people." I said, trying to hide the tremulous fear running though my body, after reading the last paragraph, "I'm an absolute delight."

George placed a hand on my shoulder and squeezed gently, "You okay?" he whispered.

"Not really," I whispered back, "I am in such dangerous territory here. I cannot anger the dragon before I get back to Hogwarts or I am worse than dead. But at the same time, this is all I've ever wanted from a parent, and I feel like it's a trap."

I could see George swallow hard.

"What have I done?" I put my head in my hands, "I'm such an idiot."

"No, you're not," George said, my eyes met his, eager to hear what he had to say, "you're just a girl who wanted to meet her mother, and now you have her wrapped around your little finger. Just look at what she has done for you already. Think about the impact you have on her life right now. I'm not telling you to sign up, I'm considering the options of you getting to know more."

"NO!" Molly slammed her hands on the table, "NO WAY!" she lifted the letter from my hands and tucked it into her apron pocket, "You will not be conferring with that woman. If any other Order members were here right now they'd be saying the same thing."

"What would we be saying, Molly?"

Molly went to the back door and gave Tonks the usual line of questions before explaining, "Kathryn received a letter from Bellatrix Lestrange today and she is considering replying to her."

Tonks looked concerned, "You wrote to her?" she let out a sigh, "oh Kathryn…"

"I was angry, T, and do you know what, when I found out my parents were dead and I thought it was her, I was glad. I thanked her and now she has replied and confirmed it was her." I defended myself, "And do you know what else, she's my mother and I can talk to her if I want, do I want to join up ranks? No. I've already pledged my allegiance right here, and I don't reckon I'll be changing my mind -"

"But -" Tonks began.

"But nothing," I hushed her, "I have every right to talk to her if I want, she asked me if she could write to me and I said 'yes'. And I quite clearly recall Sirius saying that the world isn't split into good people and Death Eaters, there is a little bit of good and evil in everyone, and I'm trying to exploit the good in Bellatrix Lestrange until my luck runs out and she tries to kill me."

George put a hand on my shoulder and whispered, "That's my girl."

"Don't say you're supporting her in this George!" Molly was outraged, pointing her finger, "Do you know how serious this is? How irresponsible?"

"Katy has supported me in my madness over the years, it's about time I return the favour." He said, standing tall, "And it's only a letter, it's not an invite to -"

"Oh, but it is. Your girlfriend right there is receiving letters from one of You-Know-Who's top supporters and is actively trying to recruit her! Kathryn is young and talented and easily manipulated -"

I cleared my throat, "I am standing right here." I folded my arms.

"It's just one thing after another with you, young lady!" Molly was red in the face, and there were now prying ears listening into the argument, "If there is anyone that will talk sense into you, it's Remus. Tonks, dear, fetch him for me." and Tonks was about to protest, but went anyway, "I am not going to let you throw your life away on that woman! I forbid it!"

I stood there and smirked, "You forbid it, do you?"

Molly was livid, and I was riling her up, I knew I was, but I wasn't afraid, I was far from it, I felt powerful for once. Yet Molly was going to yell at me until she was blue in the face, "Yes, as your legal guardian, I forbid you to ruin your life like this. You are too young to understand, too -"

"I happen to be seventeen in September, and then your 'responsibilities' for me will be over and I'm sure you'll be delighted, because it really has been one thing after another, hasn't it? I'm just one big handful." I told her, "And then… then I can do whatever I want with my life and do you know what? If I want to send a message to Bellatrix Lestrange, no one can stop me."

Molly pounced, wanting to grab any part of my body she could reach. Fred, Harry and Ron all leapt into action to restrain her.

"What are you going to do? Choke me to death? Punch me? Kick me? Lock me up?" I asked ever so calmly, "The thing is Molly, there is nothing you can do, I am Bellatrix Lestrange's kid, I was beaten to a pulp by my adoptive family, and right now I hold all the cards. I'm not a little girl anymore."

"You're not thinking this through!" Molly said gruffly, "You're walking into a trap! Like a -"

George piped up, "Don't you think Katy has already deduced that, mum? Don't you think she has a head on her shoulders and is going to be sensible about this?"

"Writing that letter was a stupid idea, going to her in the first place is a death sentence waiting to happen!" she fought off Harry's grip, "Don't you see that? She's going to get to all of us, though you."

"Wow, wow, wow, what's going on here?" Lupin and Tonks burst in through the back door, to see Ron and Fred restraining Molly and me realising that I really do have the ability to think and act for myself.

"Remus, talk sense into that girl, or so help me, I will lock her up! We are not losing another one to the Death Eaters!"

"Come with me." Lupin nodded his head towards the back door. I stood there, unmoving, unfazed, "Now." He spoke firmly.

I raised an eyebrow, "Are you going to parent me now, Remus?"

He inhaled and exhaled before answering, "I wish to speak to you outside."

"You'll find that belongs to me." I took the letter clean out of Molly's apron pocket and walked past Remus without looking at him and into the back garden.

I stopped just on the outskirts of the house, beyond the barrier of protection for the Burrow and therefore beyond Molly's vision. Tonks and Lupin faced me, and George took his position at my right hand side.

"What happened?" Lupin began.

"I got a letter from my mother." I told him, "I sent one to her asking if she was the one who killed my parents. This is her reply." I held up the letter for him to read.

The concentration on his lined face was intense when he began and it softened by the end, "You know this is very pretentious? She is buttering you up?"

"Of course I know! It's the first thing I said to George."

"It's true." He said, "She panicked a bit, then realised that there was something to gain in all this."

I looked up at George and gave him a small smile, he knew me so well, "I'm not an idiot. But if it means I can have a mother for six weeks. Then f*ck it. I wanna have fun whilst I do it."

Neither Tonks nor Lupin looked amused. Arms folded, Tonks' foot was tapping on the earth, Remus smoothed down his seen-better-days cardigan and spoke, "I don't know, Kathryn…"

"What happened to yesterday's conversation? My Mum and Dad? What do you think this news will do to them?" she swallowed hard and sniffed, "You can't do this… Not to us," she looked up at Lupin and back at me, "And not to them…"

"So you're going to deny a girl the chance to get to know her mother?"

Tonks bowed her head. Lupin took a step closer to me and sighed, placing his hands gently onto opposite shoulders, "Kathryn…" he said carefully, "Please try and see this from our point of view. Think about what Bellatrix has done to us and those closest to you. You watched as she sent Dora to hospital." Tonks perked up at this, "You watched as she killed Sirius -" his voice broke and he cleared his throat, "she has killed numerous people and just remember how poor Neville Longbottom has suffered as a result of her. And you, she didn't really give you a second thought as she handed you to those horrible, horrible muggles. I will never forget the day you told me in that office, the hurt and the pain I saw in your eyes. And I knew then that Bellatrix had brought this upon you. I'm not saying that you make wrong or bad decisions, I'm just asking you to think about the broader picture. She has manipulated people, she tried to read your mind! She is going to use you, feed you information in response to you pouring your heart out to her."

"She was abused too, you know." I said, Tonks' eyes fell upon mine, "I don't want to end up like her, I don't…" I paused, "I just want the opportunity to speak to the woman who gave birth to me. I've met her, I've seen her face to face and she is bloody terrifying, but at the same time, she softened when she saw me. I don't want to regret not taking the opportunity. She's family…"

"Come here…" Lupin opened up his arms wide, "everyone in," and Lupin pulled me in close to his chest and both Tonks and George held onto me in a tight hug, "you're my family," he said, "this group consists of people who love and care for each other, no strings, no need to walk on eggshells around us, no risk of getting hurt." His voice was strong now, "You have us, Kathryn, you don't need her. You've survived without her. We can't choose our blood-family, but we can choose those who make up our safe place, our true family. I care too much about you to see you hurt anymore." He kissed the top of my head, "We just want to see you happy and safe."

The group hug broke apart and George took my hand and squeezed it tight, "He has a point you know."

"Fine." I said, the thought of wanting to write to my mother still at the back of my mind. Was I going to write to her? I don't know. Do I still want to? Yes.

Lupin walked ahead of me back into the Burrow. Everybody had sat down for dinner and all eyes were on the four of us as we entered. Arthur was at the top of the table, his wife at his right hand side, Lupin talked to them quietly as George pulled me along to take the seat between him and Fred at the far end of the table. I ignored the stares of Harry, Ron, Ginny and Hermione as I settled myself; Fred served me food and gave George and me enquiring looks.

"Tell you later, Freddie." I whispered, "Thanks for being on my side today," I then whispered to George.

He nudged me, "Any time."

"Won't you stay, Remus?"

"No, Molly, I really can't…" he came over to me and got onto his knees, "Think about what we talked about and remember who your real family truly are." he gave my hand a squeeze and was up and out of the door before I had a chance to say a thing.

Tonks' eyes were on me the whole time as the man she loved was paying me all this attention. I hoped she understood, she knew that I got on well with him and she got to witness it. He's not just a friend, he's a confidant, there's a bond there. Why does my life have to be so complicated?

The silence at the table was filled by Fleur, "Zat is a very pretty dress you 'ave on zere."

"Thanks, Fleur." I said, digging into my food whilst it was still warm, "How is work?"

"Work is good, thenks, I am feeling zat my Eenglish is getting better." She finished her meal, "Ze cupcakes you made were delicious."

I nodded, "Glad to hear it."

"I had the red velvet," Hermione began, "very moist."

Ron rolled his eyes, "What we really want to know is if you're going to bake more."

"I'll think about it."

Ron smirked, "I'm thinking a personalised chocolate cake, just for me…?"

"Alright," I smirked back, "as soon as you do something nice for me."

"You have my brother! And my sister much prefers you, too! Isn't that enough?" he joked.

I tried to hold back a laugh, "Of course, how could I forget the blessings you have poured down on me."

"I might consider getting you something for your seventeenth." He pondered, "Maybe."

"So. Blessed."

Ginny piped up, "I was thinking we could have a game of Quidditch?"

"Excellent idea!" Fred leapt from his seat and nudged me as he went past, "Come on, both of you, it's been a while since I've let a breeze through my hair." And he proceeded to flick his hair, which, may I note, is rather short and un-flick-able, and wink at Tonks on his way out the door. He was followed by Ginny, Harry, Hermione and Ron who gave Hermione a push to make her move faster.

George shrugged his shoulders, "If you don't come willingly now, you'll be dragged out later."

I felt like face planting the table, but for ease of life got up and followed George out the door. It was a strange feeling, being amongst the group again, I felt like I was living my life separately from them and I didn't know how to fit in with them anymore. I was dealing with a load of my own problems and, due to no fault of their own, a lot has happened without their knowing. Aside from Harry, the other three aren't really dealing with any 'adult' problems, like PTSD or being adopted, or the likelihood of being murdered by their parents. Things feel like they've changed, but in some ways, they haven't. Like when Ron asks for cake and throws you a broomstick and tells you to get a move on.

"You are aware I'm wearing a dress, right?" I indicated at my attire.

"And…?"

"Oh, Ronald, you really are so insensitive to women."

Ron looked Hermione up and down, "Women?"

Before Hermione could provide backlash, I interrupted, "Yes, dear. I don't imagine you'd like me to indicate the differences between men and women?" I looked him up and down.

Ron pulled a disgusted face, "I'm alright thanks."

"Are we going to play or not?" Ginny sounded impatient.

"You lot go on ahead. I'm comfortable down here, feet firmly on the ground." I sat down on the grass and fixed my dress, "Besides, there's an odd number."

I could see George's eyebrows furrow, "Are you sure?"

"Yes!" I smiled at him, "Go on, I'm watching." I stretched my legs out and watched as Harry, Ron and Hermione took on Fred, George and Ginny. I must say, Hermione was looking a lot more confident on a broom. The gameplay was friendly and Ron appeared confident in goal-saving.

Sitting there in the presence of others but not part of things gave me a chance to reflect. Birds knew better than to perch in the nearby apple trees that were bearing fruit. The apples were a little on the small side with the weather not being as good as last year's heatwave.

I turned over and rested on my front, and felt a crumpling in my pocket. I lifted out the letter from Bellatrix Lestrange, sat up and re-read it. I craved the opportunity to get to know my real mother; she was offering herself up to me on a silver platter for me to 'feel free to ask me questions'. They've been talking about me in Malfoy Manor. She appears to have a genuine interest in me, too. And, she doesn't like Snape, either. I so desperately wanted to have a conversation with her, one where I wasn't afraid to open up and be myself. But there is always going to be that overwhelming doubt in the back of my mind that she is going to use me and hurt me.

"You must be lost in your own world."

"GEORGE!" I elbowed him, "Honestly! Don't scare me like that!"

Ginny's voice sounded from my left, "What're you thinking about?"

"My mother."

"We could have guessed as much." Hermione chipped in, sounding disappointed.

Ron added, "You're not seriously considering writing to her, are you?"

"Yeah, I am." I told him, "Wouldn't you, if you were me?"

He scrunched up his nose, "Can't you see she's using you?"

The way he said that reminded me of when Hermione was going to the Yule Ball with Viktor. It was a mixture of disbelief and exasperation. I looked down at the letter again and stared hard at it for a minute, silence ensued in the group.

"Haven't you considered that I could use her?" I folded the letter, "I don't know if I can believe half of the shite she's written or anything she's told me, considering who she is and what she's done. But I have every right to reply to this. Why can't any of you acknowledge that fact?"

Silence.

"Huh?" I urged.

Ron looked to Hermione and shrugged his shoulders, so did Harry.

"You know I'm right."

"The thing is, Kathryn, you're just going to do whatever you want anyway." Hermione said rather rudely, "I don't know why we even bother trying to tell you otherwise."

I smiled, "Exactly."