7th April (cont'd…)

I woke up on the bathroom floor, Merlin knows how long later. I was wet, shivering and bleeding.

My head span as I tried to sit up, so I laid back down on the floor again, using my hand to tap around for injuries. I winced as I found a gash on my forehead. Further exploration told me that I had not cut myself elsewhere, but mother nature had decided to pay her visit early this month.

I stared at a spot on the ceiling long enough for my brain to process that the spot was indeed static. Slowly I raised my head again. Gradually I managed to slide myself across the floor, to lean my back against the bathroom wall, where I was able to dry myself. Upon standing, I was shaky at first, but I managed to find my wand, which made getting dressed and cleaning up after myself so much easier. My body felt like lead as I stumbled from the bathroom towards the dorm. I heard the resounding din of the school bell, announcing, what time I was not sure as I laid my head down on the pillow and fell asleep.

"Kit-Kat!" Ginny shook me awake, "Are you okay?"

I blinked at her.

"Oh my goodness, did you hurt yourself?" her hand reached out in the general direction of my forehead where I was sporting the wonderful gash.

"No, I just thought it would be cool to test out my costume makeup skills." I said moodily, nothing had changed; my head was heavy, so too were my eyes, "I'm fine. Just tired." I threw my head back down on the pillow again and shut my eyes determinedly.

She turned on her heels, "I'm getting Madam P."

"Gin -" I stupidly called out. She had disappeared already.

The peace and quiet was extremely short lived. It seemed like I'd only gotten back over to sleep again when Madam Pomfrey was staring down at me, "What?" I demanded, "I'm fine, I don't need stitches."

"I can see that, but what I don't know is what caused you to gain such an injury in the first place?" she prompted me, "Kathryn, how can I help you if you don't communicate with me? Miss Granger said that you didn't show up to your classes this morning and Miss Weasley tells me you've injured yourself. What am I going to do with you?"

"What time is it?" I asked.

"It's the end of lunch," Ginny said, "We waited for you in the Great Hall, 'Mione went to check the library and I came up here. Harry went to the owlery and Ron went to McGonagall."

I stood to get dressed, "Get you to class, I'll apologise to Junis when I get to Alchemy." I nodded, pulling up my skirt under my dressing gown in an attempt to get dressed, before staring at Madam Pomfrey, waiting for her to leave my vicinity.

"Wha – What happened?" Draco said as soon as I sat down opposite him, ten minutes late to class. Both Theo and Blaise glanced at me and, upon seeing my expression, made themselves look busy.

I shook my head, "I'm fine."

"Kathryn, you've a gash on your forehead, you're not fine." Draco said in a loud whisper across the table to me, "What happened?"

I shook my head.

"You weren't in DADA this morning…" he said as I pointedly stared at the piece of parchment Junis had given me moments before, "Where were you?"

Once again, I shook my head, "I don't want to talk about it." I said in a much weaker voice than I had intended, highlighting just how vulnerable I felt, with my head pounding and stomach cramping, "Can you just drop it?"

He nodded.

I know for a fact that he didn't get much work done in class today. He spent the majority of his time glancing up at me before trying to concentrate. I was minimally more productive, writing out a paragraph word-for-word from a textbook on the properties of Silver. It took all the effort I could muster as I felt this cloud of negative feelings over my head.

"I spoke to her," Draco clearly couldn't hold whatever it was he wanted to say in any longer, "she said that you -"

"This is a whole lot bigger than Pansy frickin Parkinson, Draco." I said, "She's a bitch, she tries to make my life hell, I have bigger fish to fry."

"Did someone hurt you?"

I glared at him. Both Theo and Blaise took a sharp intake of breath. "No, Draco."

"Will -"

I sighed, "Look, I've a pounding headache, I feel like crap and all I want to do is be left alone." I closed my eyes and massaged my temples. Sensing Draco shifting on his seat I said, "Can you respect the fact that I'm asking you to please just leave me alone?"

I quickly escaped the library at the end of class and got swallowed up into the crowds of students, so much so that I managed to speak with Slughorn to excuse myself from class as Draco arrived at the classroom door. At my mention of feeling unwell to Slughorn, he took a prompt jiggly step backwards as though he might have caught the plague from the close proximity, and I was dismissed without further questioning. Bypassing Madam Pomfrey in the hospital wing, I battled up the stairs to Gryffindor Tower where I took to my own bed.

9th April

"Kathryn…" I heard Hermione's gentle voice and a warm hand touched my forehead, "Kathryn?"

"What?"

"I do not know how you can sleep for 48 hours straight…" she said, holding out a glass of juice as I sat up in the bed, still feeling absolutely rotten.

I took the glass and downed the contents, "Ew." I gagged on the foul tasting liquid.

"Electrolytes," Hermione told me, "Madam Pomfrey said that you are likely to be dehydrated after sleeping all day yesterday, she also requested that you drink these, too."

I didn't bother arguing with her, taking all my medications one by one and eating the sandwich whenever she shoved it under my nose, too. I didn't feel hungry, nor did I want to eat, or be awake, either. In fact, I didn't feel like myself at all. I felt nothing.

"George wrote to Ginny because he's worried about you, you should probably talk to him." She handed me my diary and a quill which I sat down on the bed beside me. I felt myself nodding off to sleep, my eyes threatening to close, "Loads of people are asking about you, I was hoping you might come down to dinner with Harry, Ron and me?"

I shook my head.

"What happened when you were with Tonks?" Hermione spoke suddenly, as though having dared herself to ask.

Again, I shook my head.

"Please don't shut everyone out." She said in a very soft voice, "I just want to help…"

"Just leave me alone."

12th April

"I took the liberty of bringing some sweet treats to our session this morning. I have been in contact with Professor McGonagall and we thought it might be best if I visited you today, I hope you don't mind." I heard Maura rustling about the dorm, grabbing a chair and positioning it beside my bed, opening up a box which let out a waft of freshly baked pastries, "Can I get you a cup of tea or -"

"No thanks." I said in a whisper from the bed, my back still turned away from her.

I heard further rustling and the sound of quiet chewing before Maura spoke again, "Kathryn, I need to ask you a few questions, but in order for me to do that effectively, I need you to look at me."

I let out a sigh, wondering why I should bother. I had no desire to do anything. I had only moved from the bed when it was absolutely necessary and only when no one else was around. I couldn't face anyone.

"Please." Maura asked politely, "I wouldn't ask if it wasn't completely necessary."

It took a great amount of effort to move. My body was heavy, feeling disconnected from the rest of me. I sat up, with my back resting on my pillows on the headboard. Wiping my eyes, I then rubbed my face with my hands before finally settling my gaze on Maura.

"During the last month have you often been bothered by feeling down, depressed or hopeless?"

"Yes."

"During the past month have you often been bothered by little interest or little pleasure in doing things?"

"Yes."

"Are you currently experiencing suicidal thoughts?"

"No."

"Have you thought about how you might end your life?"

"Yes."

"How would you do it?"

"I don't know."

Maura leaned forwards onto the edge of the bed, "Have you spoken to anyone about how you're feeling?"

"No."

"How do you feel?"

I took a deep breath before answering, "Empty, broken, lost, worthless, hopeless, dead." Each word was spoken slowly and painfully, forced out of my lips by the insinuating silence Maura held.

"How long have you felt that way?"

I looked at the curtain at the end of my bed. It was still closed, but there was a slight opening in the bottom right corner, "A few weeks."

"And what was it that encouraged you to take to your bed last weekend?"

I looked back to her, I didn't want to answer, but seconds passed by and became minutes, "Because I don't see the point any more. I don't want to see anyone, I don't want to talk to anyone, I just want to be left alone."

"Unfortunately I'm not going to let that happen." Maura said, "I want to get to the bottom of this. I want to see you through this."

I shook my head, my voice barely a whisper as I spoke, "It's never going to end, not until my heart stops beating. It just keeps going on and on and on and I can't -"

"I'm going to promise you something right now, Kathryn, and I need you to hear every word I say," Maura waited for me to look at her, before she said very clearly, "This will end. How you are feeling right now will pass. You are not alone. You are loved. You are needed. You can do this."

"Okay." I said submissively.

Maura raised an eyebrow, "You don't believe me?"

"No, not at all." I was about to say something else when the dormitory door opened and Lavender walked in and jumped in fright, clutching her chest in fear.

"You're awake." She said in shock, grabbing a book from her bedside table before looking into the mirror to brush her wavy hair, "You look terrible, by the way. And your hair is so greasy." She frowned as she chucked the hairbrush and it missed her bed and she shrugged her shoulders and left.

I sighed deeply. Maura's eyes rolled as they fell upon mine, in complete shock.

"Let me guess, that's the messy girlfriend of Ron's?"

I raised an eyebrow in confirmation.

"How do you feel right now?"

"I feel nothing."

Maura uncrossed her legs, "You must feel something."

"I feel like I want to be left alone?"

"And you know that I cannot let you be alone right now."

"And so here you are."

Maura reached over and grabbed a pain au chocolat and placed it on the bed beside me. She also summoned a cup of coffee and smiled, "I'll not tell them if you don't."

When I didn't accept the drink, she told me to have a sniff of it, to breathe it in, like I used to. Maura told me that I loved coffee, that I missed it with my new medication I was taking, but since I haven't had my last few doses a bit of caffeine it would do me no harm. In fact, she thought it would do the world's good. She talked to me as I sat and stared at the gap in the curtains in front of me. She told me that she went to see Puddlemere United play against the Holyhead Harpies over the weekend. She met up with her friend Jane after the match who has a two-year-old daughter who is going through the terrible twos. She told me about the bowl of spaghetti carbonara she had eaten for dinner as a treat to warm herself back up again after walking with Jane and her daughter for hours on end to get the baby to sleep.

"You forgot to add baking powder," I responded weakly to her retelling of a disastrous baking session on Sunday afternoon where her lemon sponge was flat as a pancake.

"Oh," Maura sounded surprised, "now that you've said it, I think you're right."

I got out of bed, placing my feet on the cold stone floor and walked into the bathroom, closing the door tight behind me. I wasn't entirely sure if I went in to stop her chatting or because I genuinely wanted to get into the shower, but I knew for sure that sitting in that bed was something I didn't want to do. Standing under the hot shower was delightfully refreshing, watching the water run off my body and the soap suds gather around the drain. The sound of the pressure at which the water hit my body, with it splashing on the ground as I rinsed the shampoo out of my hair bought me a peace and warmth I had been lacking from the time of my collapse.

After spending a large chunk of time in there, I had assumed, or at the very least hoped that Maura would have taken herself off home again, but I had no such luck, "You must feel more like yourself now." She commented as I emerged from the bathroom with clean pyjamas on, "Your shampoo smells heavenly."

My eyes fell upon the pain au chocolate and my stomach let off an involuntary gurgle and a pang of hunger hit me for the first time in quite a while, leaving me feel rather dizzy. Maura tapped the coffee with her wand and it immediately had steam rising up off it. I sat on the edge of the bed and took a sip of the hot liquid, having noticed the addition of clean sheets.

"How does you head feel after the shower?" Maura enquired after a little while of making chit-chat, I think she was waiting for me to finish the coffee and pastry.

"My head isn't banging, but I still feel… I don't know…" I bowed my head in shame, roughly wiping my face with my hands, "It's just so much effort to do anything."

"How is your scar?" she asked, indicating that she'd like to help me roll up my sleeve to see the blasted thing, "Are you in any pain?" she asked as she looked at it.

I shook my head.

Maura sat completely still for a moment, "When did you start your new regime of medication to wean you off?"

I grabbed my diary, "Three weeks ago," I said, "Maybe more, I don't know what day it is."

"That can't be a coincidence…" Maura spoke slowly, calculatingly, wondering what her next move should be, "Can you stay here for a minute? I need to chat to your Healer and Madam Pomfrey."

"O-kay?"

Now I had the peace and quiet I had asked for a number of hours ago, I was able to climb into bed again with a slightly clearer mind and a body which felt less like a lead balloon. I pulled the curtains around me again, and got out my parchment to write to George as I had done every day, like I'd promised I would.

K: Maura came to visit this afternoon.
G: Oh really? What was it like?
K: She was persistent.
G: Do you feel any better?
K: Yes and no?
G: Do you feel like Dementors are still close by?
K: A little bit.
G: Do you want to talk about it?
K: Not really.
G: That's okay, just know that I'm here to talk about it whenever you want. I love you, you know that, and I'd do anything for you. I don't know exactly what's going on right now, but if you can, I'd love for you to tell me and we can work things out together.
K: I know.
G: If you like, we can meet in McGonagall's office? Just –

"Kathryn?" The dormitory door opened and Jensen's voice resounded, "May I enter your room?"

I opened the curtain to peek out, "Why are you here?"

"I think you may have reacted badly to your new regime of medications." He said, coming into my room followed quickly by Maura and Madam Pomfrey, "I'd like to conduct a number of tests. Do you mind if I take a sample of your blood? And I'd like to take a look at your arm?" he said quickly and efficiently.

I didn't say anything. I sat up on my bed again, drawing my knees up to my chest, resting my head on my knees, trying to calm my racing heart, to slow my rapid breathing. Something must be really wrong with me.

"Hm." He said after a while, I could feel the growing tension in the room as Jensen looked between the sample of my blood and the scar on my arm.

"What do you see Jensen?"

He vanished the sample and took a step back, glancing between the two anxious looking women, "No correlation." He gripped the bridge of his nose using his thumb and forefinger, "I wonder…" he took my shaking hand, examining I don't know what because I couldn't bear to look, "I wish I was wrong… it must be my fault," he said, taking a seat beside me, "the medications I gave you – your body has reacted aversely to the reduction of the dosages in your system – resulting in your –"

Seeing my reaction, Maura stepped forwards and took over, "Kathryn, your medication -"

"You're wrong," I said, "this was bound to happen sooner or later."

"What do you mean?" Maura asked.

Madam Pomfrey sat on the edge of the bed when I sat silently, staring at the gap, wishing it would swallow me up whole. This was it. The problem was me; it's always been me. I was never wanted, I was given up by one mother and the other hated me. I looked down at my body, the two women tried to kill me. Tonks was right. There is no end to all this. I prayed that I would cease to exist, that I wouldn't feel this anymore, "Kathryn, talk to us." She said, "Whatever you're feeling, just tell us and we can help you."

"You can't help me." I told her, feeling overwhelmed with a growing pain in my chest, causing my body to shake, "It's too late."

"It's never too late to seek help."

I felt an increasing tightness in my chest, I struggled to get air in, "My head has been so full for so long, and now... I just want it to be over. I want to feel nothing." My eyes watered and my nose ran as so many things seemed to happen at once. I felt sick, my head was rushing with dark thoughts, my chest felt like I was having a heart attack, my body ached, "I'm done. Just f*cking kill me! PLEASE! I just want this to be over." I yelled as I pleaded, feeling myself break down, the darkness was taking over, I had never felt so alone, despite being surrounded by three professionals, I grabbed onto my head, trying to control the inevitable panic attack, my hands roughly jabbing into my arms, trying to feel something other than the pain throughout my body, "I can't do this any longer, please, just – it's too much, I can't cope. I just want it to end." I felt my breathing continue to speed up, my heart was racing, my head was so full of darkness and negativity and death. The blackness was taking over as flashes of green appeared in my mind, as I watched everyone die. I screamed.

"What is it, Kathryn? What can you see?" I heard Maura's voice echo though the static, but I couldn't speak, I was paralysed with fear.

I wanted to yell for Tonks to save herself, I could hear George yelling from far away but he couldn't reach me, no one could, not where I was. I was in hell. My knees crashed onto the ground as Helen and Richard hit me, kicked me and screamed their hatred at me. How they wished I was dead. How they wished I was never born. How they wished me nothing but pain and sorrow. I was consumed by the inescapable darkness inside me. I was in eternal damnation. I gazed in horror at my arm, the scar was burning red hot, as Bellatrix Lestrange cackled. I scratched and scraped at my arm but nothing would take away the pain as she raised her wand and performed the Cruciatus Curse on me, causing me to writhe in agony as I was stabbed repeatedly, I felt everything all-at-once: I was stabbed by Barbara, who threw me down the stairs, banged my head against the corner of the bedside cabinet, who burned my hand on the hob, who scalded my other hand with boiling water. I was being kicked and beaten. I was tied up in Knockturn Alley. I was in the blackness of the torturous twosome's murder room. "KILL ME!" I pleaded, I couldn't fight, no matter how hard I tried. I was in agony, I was done.

I saw the light and I walked into it gladly with open arms.