13th April

The world was still a dark place when I regained awareness. My head felt cloudy and my body was numb, like under general anaesthesia. I couldn't open my eyes, but I knew not to panic; I've felt like this before. I was in the hospital wing, I knew that based on the smell of antiseptics and the echo-y sounds of footsteps on the flagstone floor. I knew George was there by his scent, then my ears popped, then I was able to discern his conversation.

"We missed the signs, we all did." I heard him say as I further regained internal consciousness, "We all failed her, I should never have let her come back here before she was ready."

"But how were we supposed to know, George?" Tonks said, "If anything it's my fault for offloading everything to her in the way I did. I told her that I wanted to die. I told her that we should kill ourselves before Bellatrix could, as an act of defiance. I told her that there was no point to us prolonging our misery any longer."

"You WHAT?"

Her voice was high and broken, as she cried, "I – I know it was stupid,"

"Stupid? STUPID? We almost killed her! You didn't see her throwing herself around, she was hallucinating! She had no idea I was there!" George saw me? "I should have known when she threw herself on me."

"When was that?" Ginny asked calmly, she must have been sitting at the end of the bed, she interrupted him, to give him a chance to breathe.

"When they were doing the Hogsmede practice last weekend?" George answered his sister, "She asked me to meet her and she didn't really talk, she just – she was amazing, I thought nothing of it, it was my birthday a few days before, I mean," he stumbled over a number of words before continuing, "I should have known."

"She's always been so good at hiding her emotions." Hermione said next, "She didn't know to ask for help."

Ron sighed, "Seeing me poisoned, probably didn't help either. I'll never forget her helping me, even though it was probably – I don't think there's an easier way to say it – killing her inside."

There was a long silence.

"You could look at her diary," Tonks said, "Kat trusts you more than anyone, just to get an idea of what she's been going through."

George cleared his throat, "No one touches her diary, d'you hear me? No one. We cannot violate her privacy like that, no matter how seemingly good it would be to get answers. She'd never forgive us. We've all got to respect her."

"I don't know what it is you talk to Kathryn about, Tonks, but she's been carrying that around for months." Hermione said, "I hope you realise that. She's not said a thing to us, but the night after she saw you – that's when you said about – she hasn't been the same since. If you're in love with Sirius or something, I'm sorry, but just look what's happened – he's gone, I'm sorry, but he is, but Kathryn is here and we've got to take care of her."

"You have no idea how sorry I am," I heard her stifle more tears, "she's just been so brilliant, I had no clue."

"None of us did." Said a depressed sounding Harry.

George's voice became a lot louder, he must have been close to my ear as he said, "I just hope that this new medication counteracts whatever it was she's been going through -" George sighed, "I wish I just understood what's going on – you're just so good with the medical stuff, Katy… Please wake up… I need you to wake up…"

I heard movement, the sound of the curtains opening, "She won't wake for hours, Mr Weasley… Not until I am sure she won't be a danger to herself, and that will be once I get her hormone balance right. If she woke right now, I doubt she'd have any feelings, she'd just be numb and we don't want that. We want happy, bubbly, loud, sarcastic Kathryn."

"So what you said," Hermione enquired, "Is that Kathryn had an adverse, very rare reaction to long term use of that potion she was taking to reverse the effects of being poisoned?"

"Yes Miss Granger."

I heard one of the rare sighs as Hermione contemplated her next question, "So… Are you saying that once the potion is out of her system that she'll be herself again?"

"This isn't just as simple as a pepper-up potion, Miss Granger, and I think you already understand that."

Ginny then added, "Kat's own thoughts and feelings probably played a part, didn't they? – I mean, she's had a lot on her plate recently, with being here without George, and being poisoned and catching up with school work, keeping Tonks' secret, having to keep being alive a secret, which has essentially isolated her from the rest of the world."

"It sounds awful when you say it like that."

George's voice was thick with emotion, "Maura did say that Katy said it was bound to happen, she knew she was breaking and -" there was a loud din as George blew his nose…

Harry muttered, "And no wonder she won't talk to Malfoy for me."

"And you have better things to be concerning yourself with, Harry." Hermione snapped, "Just drop it. Kathryn trusts him, so should we. For once."

Harry grumbled.

"I think it's about time you four grab yourself some dinner before there's nothing left," Madam Pomfrey spoke in her usual bossy matron tone, her voice now sounding closer to me, "She needs you all well rested. I can't tell you both to leave, but you could do with getting an early night for you to be here when she wakes in the morning."

"I'll stay for another hour or so… Freddie won't be home for a little while and I don't want to be alone..."

"As you wish."

14th April

"Katy?" a familiar voice sounded as I was shaken awake, "Shhh…" the female figure lifted her finger to her lips, only visible by the sliver of moonlight that entered the Hospital Wing. I tried to scream, to make a noise, but I was paralysed. A cold sweaty hand which smelt like death was placed over my mouth purely for effect, "Mummy just needs to find out where Georgie is." She held up the litteras occultas with one hand and another Death Eater was looking through my diary with great interest.

"Oh Bella, she really does hate you," the Death Eater spoke, "this makes for a good read. She's written here that she will kill you herself – oh look, here's the address – 93 Diagon Alley."

Bellatrix Lestrange lifted her wand, wordlessly searching my memories, my thoughts, my feelings, "Oh that's him, the red-head. Oh you have been a naughty girl, he's a dirty blood traitor, Katy. Hope you said your goodbyes. I'll make light work of him." Her tongue between her teeth as she smirked, hissing as she gripped onto my left arm, digging her nails into my infected-looking scar.

"Shall we break in through the front doors?" the other Death Eater asked, leaving my diary back down, a picture of me and George lying on top of the open book.

"That sounds like fun." Bellatrix cackled, "Bye-Bye Katy. Sleep well."

As soon as she left the confines of the room with a slam of the door, whatever spell I had placed on me was lifted as I sprung awake, startled, gasping for air, dripping in sweat. My head spun as my feet collided with the floor, moving fast they brought me to the entrance to Madam Pomfrey's office, which I opened with a flick of my wand. I searched her room for the stash of Floo Powder, which I was unable to summon.

"Wha -? Kathryn?" spluttered the matron, who was still wearing sleep on her face, "Where are you going?"

"George – he's in danger!" I told her in a panic, "Please – I need to get to him right now!"

I opened the enchanted box on the hearth and took a handful of the gritty powder and threw it into the fire, making the flames turn emerald green. Madam Pomfrey grabbed my arm, but I pulled myself free, stepping into the fireplace and stating 'WEASLEYS' WIZARD WHEEZES'!

The flat was a mess when I arrived. Terror started to set in as I saw that the door into the shop was wide open. I threw open our bedroom door and the bed was definitely slept in. Blind panic took over.

"GEORGE!" I screamed. There was no response, "FREDDIE!" I yelled, throwing open Fred's bedroom door.

Fred had fallen out of bed in a heap on the floor, "Kathryn?"

"WHERE'S GEORGE?"

I ran out the door and into the shop, galloping down the flights of stairs, feeling my body shake with an all-consuming fear, "GEORGE?" I called out, seeing a figure at the front doors, "GEORGE!"

"Katy?" George said, "I'm just -"

"NO!" I screamed, throwing myself at him to stop him from footering with the keys, "STOP!"

He dropped the keys in his attempt to catch me, "What's going on?"

"We need to go; we need to get out of here!" I shook him urgently, "She's coming, she's -"

George placed his hand on the door-knob: it was locked. Summoning the keys, he took my hand, the two of us sprinting up to the flat, our feet pounding up the stairs, locking the door behind us, "Who's coming?"

"Bellatrix – she read – she's going to kill you." I explained between heavy breaths, clutching a stitch in my side, "We need to go."

George placed a hand on my shoulder. He shared a glance with Fred over my shoulder and nodded. "Katy -"

"No, George, we need to go! All three of us -"

"Katy – please." George spoke slowly and assuredly, "Listen to me for a second." He had both hands on my shoulders now, holding me still, "I was downstairs checking I had locked up properly after coming back to see you in the Hospital Wing. I'm okay, we're both okay."

Fred handed me a glass of water, "Drink this."

I gulped down the liquid, slopping it everywhere with my shaking hands, "You're – you're okay?" I looked around at Fred, the twins both nodded, "But -"

Madam Pomfrey arrived in the fireplace, clutching her bag of supplies.

"I -" I stopped, my head was jumping from one thing to the next, everything was a blur for a second as I placed a hand on George to steady myself, "You – she – I saw her, Bellatrix, she was going to kill you."

George placed his hands on my cheeks and stroked them with his thumbs, wiping the sweat, searching for eye-contact, he was grounding me, steadying me as our eyes met. His gaze was soft and warm, as he said, "We're okay. It was a nightmare."

"You – You're sure?"

"I'm positive, baby." He kissed my forehead, "You're safe. We're all safe. I've got you."

It was then that I wrapped my arms around his middle and burst into tears.

I let out all the tears that had remained unshed over the last number of months. I had never felt emotion like it, all the hurt, pain and suffering I had been going through had hit me all at once. The threat of Bellatrix taking away the most important thing in my life was enough to throw me into this pool of fear and previously un-felt emotions.

"No, don't Poppy," George said authoritatively, as I sobbed loudly into his chest, "she needs this. She's okay. She hasn't been as good as she is right now in months. She's really feeling this."

"I'm sorry… I'm so so sorry…" I mumbled in attempt to reign in my emotions.

"Don't you be sorry for a thing," George stroked my hair, continuing to hold me close to his chest, "not for a single second."

I don't know how long I was standing there, processing my emotions, covering George's pyjama t-shirt in snot and tears, but I'd finally come to terms with something, "There's a war going on." I said as I sat down on the sofa with George, Fred and Madam P, "Everything's connected -"

I knew what I meant, but I didn't think they did. There was a war going on in my mind as well as in the world around me. I was fighting many battles in that moment. I had stayed hidden in the darkness for so long, I had been consumed by fear and ignorance. It was about time that I stood up and showed my true self, because now, I was readying myself to fight back.

Fred handed me a cup of sweet tea, "I think you might need this."

"Thank you."

He rubbed my back, taking the seat beside me, "Thanks for scaring the shit out of me." he smiled, "Nothing better than to get the adrenaline pumping at 3am." He sniggered, "I'm just glad I had clothes on."

"Me too, Freddie, me too." I mustered a smile as I cuddled into George, feeling a lot lighter than I had for many weeks now.

"Good morning, beautiful."

I gradually opened my eyes to see George staring down at me. I was in our bed, in the flat, with my head having been resting on his chest.

"You fell asleep on the sofa and I couldn't bear to wake you up, so I carried you in here and you've been sound asleep since." He smiled, "How are you feeling?"

I blinked a few times, trying to recalibrate my brain, "I don't really know…"

"That's okay," he stroked my hair, "are you hungry?"

I swallowed, awakening my taste buds as I thought about what constituted George's making of breakfast. My stomach growled in confirmation, "I could eat."

"That's my girl!" he smiled, "I'll rustle something up and you don't have to move a muscle." He tapped my nose as he clambered out of bed.

I felt a bit icky, "Think I could shower first?" I asked him whilst rubbing my eyes.

"Of course you can, you don't need to ask."

"Would you mind getting my medications from Madam Pomfrey, I'm bound to be due something?" I requested, sitting on the edge of the bed, waking my body up.

"She's taken you off your medications, your last dose finished last night when I left," he told me, "you seem to be doing a lot better off them than on them."

I stared at him, thinking about what he had just said, "I – um – I had a – um – an episode last night, didn't I? And that night, I – I don't know what happened… Was I asleep?"

George sat down on the bed beside me, "I don't think you were. Maura would be better explaining this…" I placed my hand on his leg, and I saw the promise ring glint in the sunlight streaming through the windows, I signified that I wanted him to continue, "she thinks you had a heightened panic attack, that you were hallucinating, completely oblivious to everything going on around you… I was there, I tried to help, but -"

"I heard you," I told him, seemingly to his surprise, "I couldn't see you, but I was somehow aware of you being there, but I didn't believe it… I was in such a dark place. I was free-falling in a black chasm of nothingness. I just couldn't see an end to the pain…"

"And now?" he placed his hand on top of mine and gave a squeeze.

"And now I begin to heal."

"I don't really understand how I'm feeling in order to explain it to you." I told Maura a couple of hours later, lying on the black leather sofa, with my feet up, staring at the ceiling, "I -"

Maura had freed up her entire afternoon to help me. George and I had an emotional session earlier on, with a lot of tears and affirmations. I was beginning to understand that it wasn't just Tonks' words that affected me, but a multitude of ongoing issues that had been building up in my mind, causing me to have this sense of a loss of control over my life. Maura had explained to me about my 'episode', what had happened and why my body was so bruised as a result. Again, I was offered medications to take daily, to help control my mood, but I wanted to feel everything. I missed my ability to feel. Most of all, I missed my ability to make sense of all my emotions.

Maura had me close my eyes and we meditated for a while. I imagined waves rolling onto the shore, the sun beaming down onto the sand where I lay bathing, soaking up the rays. I was on holiday on some tropical island and George was lying asleep in the shade beside me. With each wave I took a calming breath, until I was ready to enter into my mind to de-compartmentalise.

"What thoughts come to mind now?" Maura asked in a soothing voice, "Who comes to mind?"

I had a revelation, "Draco." I spoke softly, "He's been playing on my mind for weeks now."

"Tell me more…"

"He saved my life and I feel like I should be the one saving him, but he won't let me in. And whenever I need him, I shut him out, because I feel like he doesn't trust me."

Maura moved forward, so that her face was now in my line of sight, "Do you have feelings for him?"

"What? No! I mean – of course not – he's family – I mean – I can't – I won't – I don't know. I miss him, but -" I reached my hands up to my hair and grabbed on.

"Calm breaths," she spoke soothingly, "But what?"

"I can't stop thinking about him, he's losing weight and the light in his eyes, his sparkle, it's gone and I just wish that I c -"

"Do you want to help him?"

"Of course I do!" I spluttered, "But I'm hardly in a position to help myself right now, never mind him!"

Maura leaned forwards, "Let's work on helping you. What do you need?"

I shook my head. I felt my heart speed up at the thoughts that rushed into my head. With that my chest became tight and I found it impossible to get a breath in. Maura coached me out of my developing panic attack. She was the voice in the darkness that crept in, telling me how to breath, to take control of my own body and emotions, allowing me to relax.

"I – you – I – George – I – can't – no – I – don't – mum –"

"You're not ready, and that's okay." Maura deduced from my hyperventilated words spoken in panic at everything I needed, the things in my life that were and continue to be a mess, "So what you're going to do this evening, is go back home with George and Fred, how does that sound?"

I nodded.

"And you're going to let them take care of you, because you deserve it." She told me, "Remember your breathing exercises and your self-care routine and you'll be feeling more like yourself in no time at all."

17th April

"Hey." I said, feeling sheepish as I entered McGonagall's office, taking off my travel cloak and hanging it up slowly, to buy myself a little time to calm myself down.

Ginny immediately rushed over to me and wrapped her arms around me, nearly knocking me off my feet, "It's good to see you, Kit-Kat! How are you feeling?"

"Better than I was," I told her, "have you been keeping these three in line for me?"

She smiled, "Of course! Are you coming back soon?"

"I don't know… I hope so?" I spoke unsurely, "I have to wait until I can be cleared by Maura. Part of my treatment plan is to come and chat to you four." I said, pulling my cardigan sleeves over my hands awkwardly, "I don't talk enough about how I feel, I guess I was always told to keep my emotions inside and, when things get tough, I revert to what I – I – um – revert back to my childhood state of mind."

I dared to look up at Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny. I saw them nodding, encouraging me, trying to understand me.

"This is really difficult…" I took a deep breath to steady myself. I didn't want to cry.

"It's okay," Hermione said, "take your time."

I stared at my jeans for a minute or so, trying to pull myself together. I felt like such an idiot, not being able to talk to my best friends. But then I forced myself to talk, for my own good, "I've been having panic attacks. Mostly when I'm on my own when I feel like things are getting too much." I swallowed before continuing, "That's what happened that morning when I had the gash on my forehead. I blacked out and hit my head as I fell." I told them as they sat listening to me intently as I tried to get the words out, "I just felt like I was surrounded by Dementors and I couldn't get what Tonks said out of my head, because I've been worrying about her and Draco and you lot, and I wanted to fight, but it seemed impossible at the time." My voice was barely a whisper as I finished the sentence.

"And now?" Hermione asked.

I licked my dry lips, "Now I'm just trying to feel like myself again. I'm going to worry less about what I can't control." I had been biting my lip so much recently that they were now becoming damaged, "I've just got to take things one step at a time – I felt everything all at once, cause that medication made me numb to it, so I've been told, and when they started to reduce my dosage, I – well, you know what happened. I just hope you don't think badly of me."

"Not at all." Harry and Ron spoke at the same time.

"You've been here for us, it's now time for us to do the same for you." Harry said.

"Thank you." I nodded.

Ron leaned forward, "Did they change your potions, then? Like the ones I was on?"

"No, Jensen's stopped all of my medications." I told him, "Cold turkey! I think the last of it will be out of my system in the next day or two."

Ginny then asked, "So you've been at St Mungo's and with Maura?"

"Yeah, Maura every day for a couple of hours, I've seen Jensen twice this week for check-ups, he was telling me yesterday that I'm making good progress with my chosen method of treatment." I told her, and there was a short silence, "Is there anything else you guys want to ask me?"

All three turned to look to Hermione. We couldn't help but giggle a little. I felt more relaxed, now that the tension had broken.

"You're okay?" she asked me.

I nodded, giving her a small smile.

"Is there anything we can do to help you?" Ginny asked me.

"Check in with me," I said, "And I just need a little stability until I get myself back on track again, not that our lives are remotely stable, but you catch my drift." I turned to each of my friends in turn, "Remind me when our Apparition test is?"

Ron went pale as he said, "Next Monday."

"You broke up with Lav yet?"

He glared at me. Caught himself on. Stopped. Quickly shook his head, "No."

"And what about -?" I looked to Harry.

He shook his head.

"I hope you're not using me as an excuse," I told him, "because whilst I may have had a lapse in sanity, that does not mean that you can forget your responsibilities. Don't worry, I haven't gone completely doolally yet."

"And she's back!" Ron joked with a huge smile, "It was only a matter of time before you started mothering us all again!"

"Ronald!"

For fear of lowering the mood again, I quickly stood, "It was lovely seeing you all, but I promised Fred I'd be back in time to eat whatever concoction he comes up with tonight, and I know it's time for you lot to go eat."

"It's okay -" Ginny spoke.

I shook my head, "Honestly, I haven't really been sleeping and I don't want to overdo it." I told them, "I've got an appointment with Tonks in the morning and I've to write a letter to her about how she's made me feel and how we're going to work through the emotions together." I shrugged my shoulders, "I'll see you."

"Hey you!" George kissed me gently when I arrived back home again, "How'd it go?"

I kicked off my trainers into the bottom of the wardrobe, "Good, yeah!" I smiled genuinely, hanging up my travelling cloak, "They want to know when I'll be back."

"And what did you tell them?" Fred asked from the kitchen where he was stirring a pot of something tomato-y.

I took a spoon from the drawer and tasted the concoction, "Mmmmm, a little bit more seasoning – I told them I'm not ready. I'm feeling quite drained at the minute." Having sessions with Maura every day, and all the crying I've been doing along with the emotions I've been processing, was very tiring work indeed. I rubbed my eyes instinctively.

"You hungry?" Fred asked whilst adding a sprinkle of salt and pepper to the pot, "I put some garlic flatbreads on for you."

I beamed, "I would never say no to garlic bread."

"I hoped you'd say that!"

"Then after dinner I've got to write the letter to Tonks for tomorrow, write my diary extract for today and -"

"Don't be going all dark and twisty on us," George massaged my shoulders, "One step at a time, right?"

I took a deep breath, "Right."