July 24th, 1981: Marlene McKinnon

(two months before Peter's confession)

Marlene never really expected to get this close to her birth father. Sure, she saw him on birthdays and things growing up, and she and Lily moved in with him before their sixth year, but she'd thought that Doc wouldn't ever want to keep her around long-term—certainly not after she left Hogwarts. But then he came to her graduation ceremony, and she said she hadn't made living plans with any of her friends yet, and he, well, offered for her to stay with him.

So Marlene sort of jumped at the chance to spend more time with her biological father, whom she'd always loved, of course, and with whom she'd always regretted not being able to see more often. She was a lot less jealous of all of her friends living with each other now that she could say that she'd taken up permanent residence with her father for the first time ever. Doc is funny and sweet and always wants what's best for Marlene, even when sometimes Auror work takes him away from her at unpredictable times. Now that she's used to living with him—now that they're close—she's found that she can even talk to him about…

"Do you think I'm being ridiculous, not trying harder to get right with Sirius? We're not actively fighting anymore, but we're not exactly friends, either. I still avoid seeing them unless I have to. I used to love Sirius so much, and now it's like we hardly interact."

"You 'used to' love Sirius?"

"Maybe then. Maybe now. I don't know, it's all muddied up in here."

Doc takes a moment to think about it. "I don't think you can or should force yourself to let him back into your life if you're not ready. But I don't think it's a good idea to hold onto anger and grudges if you can understand where he's coming from, either."

Marlene drops her eyes for a moment. "I know he wasn't trying to hurt me. We would probably still be together right now if I hadn't freaked out on Sirius and broken up with him."

"You know…"

"What?"

"I used to really resent your mother for deciding to raise you as if you were your stepfather's daughter. Ever since the day I met you—no, ever since I found out your mother was even pregnant with you—I wanted to spend as much time with you as possible. But to pass as your uncle—distant cousin, whatever—it wouldn't make sense for me to have even joint custody of you. In the beginning, I only got to see you about once every two weeks, and as you know, that just got less and less as time went on. I wanted more, and I held it against Sheila that she wouldn't give me that. I understand why she did what she did, but it took me a long time to accept it."

"But you did accept it eventually?"

"I did. You probably had a much better life by virtue of being raised as Neil's daughter, and if I really love you, I should want that for you, even if it means I didn't get to keep you. I forgave Sheila eventually, and that—that helped. It's not that I owed it to her, but I felt better being able to coordinate my visits with her without flaring up every time I had to speak to her or hear you speak about her. Because of you, she was always going to be in my life, and I had to find a way to make that work."

"Sirius doesn't have to stay in my life, though," says Marlene. "I mean, we're in the Order together, and we have mutual friends, but…"

"I think you just have to ask yourself—is it worth it to you to hold onto all the reasons why you're angry? Will it help you the most to arrange your life so that they aren't a part of it, or will it be better for you to let them back in? Either way, you've got to make your peace."

Making her peace—that isn't Marlene's strong suit. Marlene holds grudges, and she doesn't let go of them for a very long time. But maybe Doc is onto something, talking about figuring out what it's worth to her to hold onto people or let them go. Maybe it's time to let Sirius go.

Or maybe it's not. She thinks about a life without him, and she feels a chill that no amount of blankets can cure.

xx

"We should take a group photo," says Frank.

A chorus of mingles yeses and nos breaks out just as Harry or Neville (Marlene can't tell which at this distance) starts crying. "Go on without me," says Arabella Figg, picking herself up off the couch and heading upstairs toward the bedroom. "I'll take care of them."

"Come on, it'll be nice! When have we ever done anything to promote camaraderie the last few years?" says Dorcas brightly to Gideon, who is rolling his eyes.

"I'll take the photo," says Fabian. "Gid can represent both of us."

They're at the cottage in Godric's Hollow for tonight's Order meeting—Lily and James offered to host it, presumably because they're getting bored of being unable to attend and having to get the recap from Sirius after the fact. Almost the whole organization turned up in order to see them, including Dumbledore and his brother, although McGonagall and Mundungus Fletcher are absent, and so is Snape, whom Lily doesn't want to allow in her house (and Marlene can't blame her). Marlene knows that some Order members haven't seen Lily or James since before they went into hiding a year ago, and Lily in particular has been in her element tonight, serving dinner and laughing so hard she choked on her pumpkin juice.

Eventually, everybody converges into three rows along one of the walls of the living room, although Arabella is still upstairs with the babies (of whom both are now crying). Marlene ends up in the front row between Frank on one side and Dedalus Diggle on the other, and when she smiles for the camera, it's the happiest she's felt in a long time, surrounded here by people who understand, who are fighting back.

After the meeting disbands, Marlene hangs back, hoping to catch Lily alone for a few moments when everyone else has gone. Eventually, it's just them and Benjy Fenwick, who is having an avid discussion filling James in on how the Quidditch league is going so far this year. "I'm glad we did this here tonight," Marlene tells Lily, pulling on her cloak. "None of us gets to see enough of you anymore."

"Says the woman who comes round my house three times a week," says Lily, but she's smiling.

"I don't mean me; I mean everybody else. I don't like knowing that you and James are cooped up in here alone with Harry without anybody but me and Sirius to keep you company."

"Oh, it's not so bad. Have you seen how spotless this house is? My mum would have been proud if she could see it for herself. Anyway, it's not just you and Sirius coming by. Mary stops by every weekend, and Remus and Peter drop in every once in a while."

Marlene winces. "I'm glad Mary's keeping in touch with you. I haven't been the best friend to her lately."

"Really? I thought you guys had been in a good place for the last—year, at least. I mean, I can be in a room with both of you in it, and nothing explodes."

"We're doing okay—we get lunch every now and then—but I wouldn't call us best friends anymore. I'm glad things are stable, but I wish it didn't have to be such a binary choice, picking either you or her as my best mate. I can't remember whether she started treating it like that or whether it's my fault and I set her up to mean less than you did to me, but either way, I regret not trying harder to keep her in my life."

"I know you still love her. I know she knows that, too."

It still smarts that, when Mary got married, she picked Veronica Smethley over Marlene as her maid of honor, but honestly, Marlene's gotten to a point where she understands where Mary was coming from. Besides, picking the woman you're in love with to stand up in your wedding to someone else? That's got to be beyond weird.

Not that Marlene feels weird about Mary being in love with her. It still doesn't quite make sense to her—she keeps going back over her memories with Mary and trying to see them through a lens of Mary feeling that way about her, and she can't read romance into any of Mary's motivations—but then, it's not like Mary ever thought she had a chance with her or tried to make a move. Mary knew the best she was ever going to get out of Marlene was friendship, and she stayed in her lane. Marlene respects that.

When she does see Mary, Marlene tries to be clear that she doesn't blame Mary for anything—thanks Mary for supporting her through her dad struggles and for being her best friend through the years at Hogwarts. She doesn't talk about what happened between them when Lily took her place.

xx

Friday is Harry's birthday, and Lily and James invite both Marlene and Sirius over to celebrate with them. This time, Marlene decides to be proactive about the thing and sends Sirius an owl herself about it the day before. We should grab dinner after we go to see Harry. I promised my parents I would come round for family night for my brother Mike's birthday, but I'm free until around seven. We could go to Hogsmeade? she writes, and her owl comes back three hours later with a yes from him.

It's very weird, seeing Sirius socially, especially when they manage to use the Potters as a buffer to keep from fighting with each other all morning. When they kiss Harry goodbye and Disapparate for Hogsmeade, they find themselves staring at each other, nervously smiling. More to break the awkward tension than anything, Marlene says, "Amazing that we can be here without it devolving into a fight."

Sirius laughs nervously. "I'll say. Listen, I just want to…"

"I'm sorry," says Marlene. "I was hard on you over things I probably shouldn't have been. I just get defensive and—and maybe a little possessive sometimes."

"I'm sorry you got hurt," Sirius says. "For what it's worth, I got hurt, too."

"I've been doing a lot better now that we don't really see each other at all," Marlene admits, "but I know I can't keep avoiding you forever now that Harry is growing up. He deserves to spend time with both of his godparents, and it would be just awkward trying to always schedule around each other so that we never—you know—touch."

"We can make it work, if you really want," says Sirius. "Split up the calendar week so that we always know when it's safe to visit."

"Or we can be adults about this for once in our lives and forgive each other."

"Marlene, I forgave you a long time ago. It's been years since I've been angry."

"I don't know if I can say it's been years for me, necessarily, but—I'm not angry, either. Not anymore."

"Well, all right, then," says Sirius with a hesitant smile. "That's someplace to start."

There's a horrible moment when she's afraid they won't have anything to say to each other, but then Sirius asks, "You were one of the Hit Wizards who came to take Snyde away the other night, right?" and they get caught up for a few moments discussing Marlene's work.

"It's not the same as being an Auror would have been," she tells him, the wind ruffling her kinky hair. "I can't talk to Alice about it because I'm unbearably jealous and I don't want to put her in the middle of that. I just wanted to make a difference, you know?"

"You are making a difference," Sirius says. "Maybe not as much at our raids where the Order has already packaged up the Death Eaters for you to collect, but dangerous wizards are off the streets because of your dueling skills. That's worth something. Besides, you've been signing up for orb duty a lot lately, and that always counts, Imperius Curse or not."

"Oh, don't flatter me, Sirius Black."

He laughs. "No sucking up here. I thought you knew me better than that."

"I do," says Marlene, and suddenly things go all tense and heightened. "Sorry. We don't have to talk about this."

"Talk about what?"

"About… how well we know each other. What we used to be. We're not that anymore, and it took me a long time to be okay with that, but I'm okay with that now."

"Are you?" says Sirius. Marlene's breath catches. "I'm not saying we should get back together, but—you weren't just my girlfriend. You were one of my best friends. We shouldn't have to pretend that that wasn't real or didn't matter just because things are different now."

"Did it matter? Because a lot of what I told myself to get through it was that I could erase over the person I used to be and start fresh."

"You wouldn't have had to do that if it hadn't happened, would you have? Everything we do affects who we are, even the stuff we learn from that makes us change."

Marlene shakes her head and says, "Why are we even talking about this? I don't want to get into another fight with you. It's not worth it."

"We're not fighting. I'm just saying, it's okay. It's okay if you used to be someone or be involved in something that you're not proud of. I'm not proud of my role in it, either, but I wouldn't try to claim that you didn't have any meaning in my life. Saying that would be doing you a disservice."

"Even if part of the role I played was harmful?" says Marlene. "I'm not saying I was more wrong than you were, but… I was still wrong. There were so many times where I should have just walked away instead of punishing you over and over again."

"Well, I shouldn't have fallen into that cycle of breaking up and getting back together with you constantly."

"I should have ended it."

"I should have ended it," says Sirius.

They look at each other, and then Marlene can't suppress a giggle that blows up into a full-blown laugh. They've stopped walking, and for a moment they just stand there laughing with each other. It's nice. "Can we be friends?" asks Marlene. "We never really did the friends thing properly. We were really just friends by association until fourth year, and then we jumped straight from having too much sex into trying to be in a romantic relationship, and jumped from that to hating each other."

"I never hated you. That one's all on you, my friend," snickers Sirius.

"Oh, shut up," says Marlene, but she's laughing, too.

Standing here talking to Sirius like this, it feels almost like they're back in sixth year, when things were going well between them for the very first time. She needs to remember that that's not what this is—they're not dating, and they never will ever again, even if they get back on speaking terms. Even if a part of Marlene still loves Sirius and a part of him loves her, that doesn't mean they can work. Too much has happened.

Hasn't it?

The rest of the afternoon passes in a blur of ribbing and laughter. Finally, when it's five minutes past seven, Marlene stops still outside Dervish and Banges and turns to face Sirius. "I've got to go. Mum must be wondering where I am."

"Yeah, of course. Look, it was… we should do this again soon. Is that okay? This was really nice."

"This was really nice," she says. "I just…" She looks around, as if scared of getting caught. "Can I get a free pass for you not to judge me for the next ten seconds?"

"I—yeah. Sure. But what—?"

She leans up, puts a hand on the back of his head, and kisses him on the cheek."Don't say anything," she says, leaning backward again, before he can speak. "I know we're never getting back together, and I know you don't feel that way about me anymore, but—just let me have this one memory, okay? Of the time we talked and got along and it was nice again."

"Marlene—"

"I'm running late," she says. "I have to go. Just—I love you, okay? I don't necessarily know in what way, but I love you."

She gives him a quick smile and Disapparates to the sidewalk leading up to Mum and Neil's house, but Sirius flies out of her head when she looks up and sees the Dark Mark floating above the house. "Oh, no," she says to herself, gasping, clapping a hand over her mouth. She wants to sink to her knees and scream, but there could be survivors still in the house, and she owes it to her family to go in there and save who she can.

She holds her wand aloft and runs up the pavement, up the stairs, and into the house.