Gamer4 in. Well, I just had my heart torn out and put through a blender- I'm coming in to write this just after seeing Mr. Holmes for the first time- great movie, very sad. Between that and stress over coming events, I thought I'd come in here and get started on the next chapter. But first, a brief preview- a-hem. In 2014, they brought you A Fistful of Letters. In 2015, they brought you the exciting sequel, A Few Letters More. Now, in 2016, prepare yourself for the epic conclusion to the trilogy of albatross-friendly films. Brace yourself- nothing can prepare you for the end. (And yes, I did come up with that tagline by glancing over at the copy of Mockingjay Part 2 sitting on my desk. Sue me. Just joking, please don't actually sue me. Here, have a disclaimer.)
Disclaimer: I just realized that I never finished Carry On, Wayward Son back when I was using that for disclaimer radio- though I can't even remember which story it was for. Time to rectify that mistake- Carry on, my wayward son! There'll be peace when you are done! Lay your weary head to rest- don't you cry no more.
Chapter II
The Good, the Bad, and the Avian
"What," was all Mario could say- he was too dumbfounded to even phrase it as a question.
"And as for that idiot Kamek, I guess ol' man Jenkins will have to teach him a thing or two about discipline!" the old man continued ranting. "Good thing this old war dog's been keeping the odd eye out for ya, boy, or you'd be putting that hat back in your pocket and getting your soul sucked out as we speak!"
A brief word about Mario's confusion- this old man, he played one- er, he was old man Leroy Jenkins, the neighborhood old guy who was always chasing kids off his lawn. The only child he ever seemed to show any sympathy towards at all was Mario himself, whenever the Smiths had called on him to babysit the young boy back before the days of the Smash Bros.- not that Mario had enjoyed said experiences, considering his tendency to break into long-winded rants about the war (which war, exactly, he was referring to was a secret to everyone,) that almost always ended with him calling out his full name. Having not seen him for four or five years now, Mario had almost completely forgotten about him, shelving him in his mind as a muggle that he no longer had frequent contact with- so seeing him running towards him now, shouting about the floows, was even more strangeness to add to the rapidly-growing pile.
"You're a smasher?" he finally forced out- nope, couldn't even make himself sound shocked.
"Nah, boy, nah, I'm a scrub- which you'd think that stupid sorcerer would have taken into account before he ran off on ya! The Hand gave him this job on one condition- that he take it seriously- so where is he now, huh, when you need him most?!"
There were so many things for Mario to comment on here, but one thing stood out in particular- "You know the Master Hand?"
"Of course I do, who doesn't?" old man Jenkins shook his head. "That moron- I'll give him an old-fashioned military punishment when he gets back, or my name isn't LEROOOOOOY... JENKIIIIIINS!"
Mario was left there, opening and closing his mouth in sheer bewilderment. "Which it is," old man Jenkins clarified, looking at him in concern.
"Yeah... yeah, I've got that."
"Alright, well, next step is to get you back to those Smiths of yours- only place you'll be safe, 'cordin' to the old Hand. Gotta hurry- and keep that hat out, I may be a renowned war hero, but I don't have any more smashin' powers than that lump over there!"
Mario jumped as he was reminded of Bill, still laying against the wall. "Yeah, just a second..."
Working with all his might, lifting with his legs and using every muscle therein, he struggled to force Bill to his feet, lean him against his shoulder, and begin walking after old man Jenkins with Bill in tow.
"What about keeping the smasher world secret?" Mario gasped- this was probably the most strenuous thing he'd ever done.
"Screw the government, boy- you've already smashed the code of secrecy, no point worrying about it anymore- besides, as far as most muggles'll be concerned, it's just a fancy hat, ain't it?"
Mario, getting frustrated, attempted to ease the burden on him by shaking Bill irritably- no use, he was either incapable or unwilling to move on his own steam.
"So... why didn't I know about this one before?" Mario asked, panting as he struggled to keep up.
"Yeah, yeah, I know, I gave you a hard time whenever those Smiths sent ya over to my place- but you know them, if they thought you were having a good time, they'd have taken you to someone else. The Master Hand wanted me to keep watch over ya, figured I'd regale you with some of my finer moments from the war- but now... the Master Hand ain't gonna be happy about this one, I'll tell you that much. Specifically told Kamek to keep an eye on you, and he runs off halfway through to do Wave Existence alone knows what... how to contact him, how... I can't teleport..."
"It's... been... a while... since... Parakarry had... a job," Mario gasped out. "I'm sure he could-"
"Not fast enough, not fast enough!" old man Jenkins shook his head in agitation. "Odds are, the government already knows, and they're gonna spring on this one like a starving man on a prime steak!"
"But I was... defending myself and... Bill," Mario forced out- it felt like he was being forced to carry a sack full of bricks. "Isn't that... allowed... under the law?"
"I wish it was that black n' white, boy, but I'm afraid- KAMEK! KAMEK! KAAAAAMEEEEEEK!"
Mario blinked as old man Jenkins suddenly burst out in rage and rushed towards a spot where an anthropomorphic turtle had appeared, dressed in stereotypical blue wizard's robes and a pair of psychedelic glasses. Before he even had the chance to adopt a more humanoid form, old man Jenkins had produced a nightstick and begun beating him over the head with it.
"Ow! Ow- what the- hey! What's this all about?!" the turtle objected.
"I'll tell you exactly what this is all about!" old man Jenkins shouted. "Floows! Floows here, in Peach Creek! Where the actual hell WERE you?!"
"A business opportunity came up!" Kamek cried, cowering beneath his robes in an attempt to shield himself from Jenkins's assault. "It was a great chance, once-in-a-lifetime-"
"You got that right, you worthless piece of slime!" Jenkins shouted. "When my brothers were dying face-down in the mud in 'Nam, they were not fighting for a country where layabouts like you could shirk your duties and leave children to fend for themselves!"
"Enough about Nam- you were never in Nam!" Kamek objected. "Someone- someone's gotta tell the Hand!"
"You've got that right, and I dang sure hope he tells Bayonetta about this!"
Kamek paled. "You... you don't think he would, do you?"
"If he did, it would serve you right!" old man Jenkins shouted. A moment of silence later, he burst out, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?!"
"Right, right, I'm going, I'm going!" Kamek cried before turning around and vanishing again.
Old man Jenkins was heaving like a winded rhinoceros as he turned back to Mario. "Alright... back to the Smiths... we need to hurry..."
As they continued on, he continued rambling. "Credit where credit is due, though- you should never have had to do what you just did, but you did it wonderfully- fending off two floows single-handedly- very impressive, boy. The Master Hand said we should avoid a scenario like this if we could, but given the circumstances-"
"So, how long have you people been tailing me?" Mario couldn't keep a note of accusation out of his voice.
"All summer," old man Jenkins answered nonchalantly. "Come on, boy, they told me you were a smart one- did you really expect the Hand to just leave you alone after all that business a few months ago? I've been your main caretaker, whenever you're out and about- just our luck that today happened to be Kamek's shift, if I'd been around, I'd never have let something like that happen- I'm-"
"Leroy Jenkins?" Mario guessed.
Old man Jenkins shot an aside glance at him. "No one likes a smart aleck, boy."
"That hasn't exactly been my experience," Mario shrugged.
Old man Jenkins shook his head. "Ah, well- I gotta let you off here- I'm headin' back home, need to wait to find out what's going on. No doubt you'll be hearing from Philanthropy soon..."
"Philanthropy?" Mario asked, eyebrows rising, but old man Jenkins had already turned and headed off into the night. Mario shook his head and turned to the Smith household- he'd left this place a few hours ago, intending only to finish off the mystery of Freddy Fazbear's Pizza, and then getting caught up in all this smeg...
He lugged Bill up the lawn and to the door where, not having any avenue of opening it in his current state, he resorted to ringing the doorbell.
A moment or two, and several footsteps, later, the door was swung open by Aunt Kate. "Oh, Billy, you're running late, I was actually getting worried, I heard that that restaurant... burned..." Processing... processing... *ding!*
"BILLY!" Aunt Kate screeched. "BILLY, WHAT'S HAPPENED TO YOU?! JOHN- JOHN, GET OUT HERE, BILL'S IN TROUBLE!"
There was a thud in the kitchen, and Uncle John came thundering into the living room, where he joined his wife in looking horrified at Bill's condition, which Mario noticed just in time to dive inside before being vomited all over.
"What- what happened, what is it, son?" John asked urgently.
"What happened- why are you covered in dirt- were you on the ground?"
"Wait- you haven't been attacked, have you, son?"
Another screech from Kate. "John, get the phone, call the police! Bill, who did this to you- who did this to you?! Names- give us names, descriptions, what did they do?!"
As they continued to shout, Mario went into maximum stealth mode, attempting to make it up the stairs unnoticed, until they finally calmed down long enough for Bill to choke out a single word- the worst word in the world for Mario at that moment- "H...h...him..."
Mario sighed as the inevitable dead silence fell- he was bracing himself, and sure enough...
"BOOOOOOYYYYYYY!"
Mario closed his eyes as he turned back down the stairs and into the living room, where Bill was being guided to a seat on the couch by his mother, while his father turned on his cousin with more anger in his face than had ever been there before. "Well, boy, I hope you're proud of yourself- you've finally done it, finally driven him loopy."
"John!" Kate gasped reproachfully, stroking her son's hair as she got up to fetch him a bucket.
"What do you want me to say?!" John's fury refused to dissipate. "Look at him- our son's gone yumpy!"
"Is that even a real word?" Mario asked, raising an eyebrow.
"This isn't the time for that smart mouth of yours, boy!" John raged. "I want to know what you did to our son!"
"What did I do to him?" Mario asked. "I saved his freaking existence, is what I did."
"I don't believe you," John snarled, turning to his son. "What did he do to you, son? Did he use his... his..."
Bill didn't wait for him to finish before slowly nodding. John let out a howl of anger, and looked on the verge of pulling a weapon on his nephew, heedless to whether or not the nearest thing to him was a weapon or not. Mario spoke up immediately. "I did use my powers," he conceded, speaking quickly, "but not on him- I don't have the kind of power to do this, I'm just a pyromancer!"
"Stop using made-up words!" John snarled.
Mario sighed. "It's not a made-up word, it means I have powers centered around-"
*WHOOSH!*
Mario hadn't even realized that the window was open until a large albatross came swooping in, dropping a letter on his lap before taking off again without further adieu.
"BECAUSE THERE'S NOT ENOUGH GOING ON!" John raged, dashing to the window and slamming it shut. "ON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE, WHAT WE REALLY NEED IS FOR MORE FREAKING ALBATROSSES TO BE INVADING OUR HOME-"
Mario had long since mastered the art of tuning out his uncle's ranting, an art that he now employed fully as he tore open the letter, wondering what this was about.
Dear Mr. Mario Mario,
It has come to our attention that, half-past one this morning, you utilized a final smash in a muggle-populated area, in the immediate presence of such a muggle. As you most certainly know by now, this is a serious breach of smashing law, both against our code of secrecy, and against our laws regarding the use of underage smashing. As such, your penalty will be a swift expulsion from the Super Smash Bros. School of Smashing, and an exile from the world of smashers. Government smashers will arrive at your place of residence shortly to destroy your power controller.
In addition, your involvement with previous similar offences requires you to attend a hearing at the Government of Smashing offices at 9:00 sharp on August the twelfth.
Wishing you all the best,
Lana Skye,
Chief Prosecutor,
Government of Smashing.
It took several read-throughs of this letter before he truly believed it said what it did. It was much like that scene in the early episodes of Haruhi Suzumiya- the one with Ryoko Asakura. You know the one. Of all the words in this letter, one phrase pierced his heart like a bullet, the one phrase he'd never, ever wanted to hear- a swift expulsion from the Super Smash Bros. School of Smashing. Game over... game over. Four years, four full stories of adventures... all ended in those few simple words. It was all at an end- he'd never be going back.
The Smiths were still hysteric, but in his sudden dissociation, he could hardly hear them- it felt as though he'd suddenly arrived at an alternate plane of reality from them.
Another phrase popped out at him- destroy your power controller. Well, he didn't know about that- taking away his most essential weapon and tool, now, when his arch-enemy was at large once again- when Tabuu could be waiting for him behind any shady corner? No, getting rid of his hat was not an option- it was far from his first instinct, but he knew, by hook or by crook, losing his hat was the one thing he simply couldn't allow to happen. He had to go- he had to be out of this house before those representatives arrived. Where he'd go, he had no idea, but whether he returned to the Smash Mansion or not, his hat was the one thing he couldn't surrender.
His dissociation remained with him as he stood, returning his hat to his head as he made towards the front door.
"AND JUST WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?!" John shouted. "YOU THINK WE'RE DONE HERE?! WHAT DID THAT LETTER SAY ANYWAYS?!"
"It's over," Mario spoke hollowly. "The Smash Bros... they've tossed me out. I'm never going back."
For the briefest moment, a trace of sadistic satisfaction crossed Uncle John's face. "Jusssticcccce," he almost hissed. But then the rage returned. "And you think that relieves you of responsibility? Get back here and tell me what you've done to Bill!"
"You're really not that bright, are you?" Mario asked, lowering his lids halfway. "I'm already a fugitive, meaning, I've got nothing to lose- might as well throw around all the fire I want now. So, pro-tip- between me and that door? Not the best place to be standing. You have 'til three to let me out- one... two..."
*CRACK!*
The Smiths all screamed, but Mario looked around furiously- what had that been? He hadn't thrown a fireball, he knew that much...
Another albatross. It had attempted to go through the window, apparently oblivious to the window being shut. Recognizing it, he swung the window open, took the letter, and watched as the incredibly old bird took off once again. Unless he was very much mistaken, that was Bootler, the family albatross of the Farons. Tearing open the letter, he found that it had been written in quite the hurry-
Mario-
The Master Hand's at the Government offices as we speak. Wave Existence willing, everything will sort itself out. Don't leave Peach Creek- it may seem like the best possible option, but believe us, out of your Aunt and Uncle's house is the worst place you can be right now. To the best of your ability, refrain from using your powers any further, and whatever you do, DO NOT SURRENDER YOUR CONTROLLER.
Rusl Faron.
Mario folded up the letter and tucked it in his pocket- honestly, he wasn't sure how to feel now. Wave Existence willing, everything will sort itself out... so... maybe he wasn't quite as expelled as he'd initially believed? A seed of hope was planted in his heart, and while past experience told him that letting it bloom too much would be foolish, he allowed it to sprout. That said, he didn't see how he could follow Rusl's directions to the letter- if it really came down to the nitty-gritty, how was he supposed to protect his hat without resorting to using his powers?
That said, though, he trusted Rusl quite a bit, and the Master Hand had never let him down before...
Mario sighed. "Alright, you win. I'll stay." With that, he sat down in the nearby rocking chair, finally taking in the stunned looks on the Smiths' faces. "Okay, you've got questions."
"You're damn right we do," John concurred, fury returning to his features. "Who's pelting our house with these birds?!"
"The first one was from the Government of Smashing- that's the one that told me I was expelled," Mario explained, keeping one eye on the window, preparing to run if any officials appeared there. "The second one was from my friend's dad- he works for the government."
John was stunned, but then fell back on the greatest tool at his disposal- bigotry. "Well, there you go, then- I was wondering how our country was going so far downhill, there's the answer- your people are taking the highest-"
He'd continued his rambling for quite a while before realizing Mario wasn't paying the slightest bit of attention. Finally, he sighed and snapped his fingers for his nephew's attention. "In that case... why did they expel you?"
"For using my powers," Mario sighed- this was going to go over well, he could just tell.
Sure enough- "AHA!" John burst out. "SO YOU ADMIT TO IT- YOU USED YOUR POWERS TO PUT BILL IN THIS STATE! WHAT DID YOU DO?!"
"I already told you, I didn't use my powers on him, I saved his life," Mario shook his head.
"L...liar..." Bill muttered weakly, drawing his parents' attention to him. They both urged Mario to be silent through sign language, then huddled around him.
"What happened, son?" Kate asked. "What did he do?"
"First... he... he put on that hat of his..."
"Granted, I did do that," Mario nodded, "but I didn't-"
"SHUT UP!" John belted out. "What happened next, son?"
"Everything went dark," Bill shuddered. "So dark... and cold... I wasn't happy- never had been... never would be... things... things... voices in my head..."
And there were the looks of horror from Aunt and Uncle Smith. They didn't hate them quite as much as smashers, or Mario, but neither particularly appreciated those who heard voices in their heads. Asuka Langley Soryu? Yeah, they wouldn't be a fan. Shinji Ikari would be right out.
"And... what did they say?" Kate asked, dread in her voice, but Bill shook his head listlessly.
Now Mario was intrigued- as far as he knew, Bill had basically been handed everything he wanted on a silver platter- the worst experience in near memory was when he'd been forced on a diet, which had driven him to anger, not abject despair. What was it the floows had forced him to go through?
"Why did you fall over?" John asked when it became clear that Bill wasn't about to answer.
"Tried to get away- tripped," Bill muttered. "That's when the feeling... the feeling got me..."
John turned onto Mario, face turning a shade of red Mario should be proud of, as much as he loved the color. "So, that's it, hm? You used some sort of mumbo-jumbo to force Bill into this frame of mind where... where he thought he was doomed to eternal suffering, huh?"
"Your ignorance of the smasher world never ceases to amaze," Mario shook his head. "I don't have that kind of power. I'm a pyromancer- my powers are centered around fire. I'm not the culprit you're looking for- it was a couple of floows!"
"A couple of what now?" John asked.
"Floo... ows," Mario sounded out.* "A couple of freaking floows."
"And do you care to elaborate on what in the name of sanity a floow is?" John snarled.
"They guard Subspace, the smashers' prison."
Mario's jaw dropped- while the sentence was perfectly true, he hadn't been the one to say it. The words had come, not from his mouth, but from Aunt Kate's. Okay, now things were getting ridiculous. He'd heard of Kamek before- it took a little imagination, but he could honestly see old man Jenkins having connections to the smasher word... but Aunt freaking Kate?
Everyone was staring at her, slack-jawed- she herself had slapped her hands over her mouth like a schoolgirl who'd just let slip a foul, disgusting swear. Mario was the first to speak. "How... how did you know that?"
Aunt Kate lowered her hands, licking her lips nervously. "That... that creature... he told her... Sarah... years ago. It always stuck out in my mind..."
"'Creature?'" Mario lowered his lids halfway. "Come on, I know you didn't like my Dad, but at least acknowledge his freaking humanity!"
He was falling back on his straight man side, as it was familiar territory, but he was honestly shocked- Aunt Kate was a woman who made a hobby out of finding ways to deny that she'd ever had a sister to begin with- what circumstances had prompted her to hang on to this particular piece of information for the many, many years that must have come since she'd first heard it?
"So... so..." John's voice was one of a man who was rapidly losing hope. "He's not... he's not BS-ing? These flu-things actually exist?"
Kate nodded.
A long, long silence followed- nobody quite knew how to break this one. Fortunately, nobody had to think about it too hard- the window had yet to be closed since Mario had opened it last, making it easy for the third albatross of the night to soar in and drop another letter on Mario's lap. He was already tearing it open before it was out the window again. Ignoring John's anguished cries as he slammed the window shut again with much more force than what was strictly necessary, he began to read.
Dear Mr. Mario Mario...
Sixteen minutes ago, we wrote to you with the information that you had been exiled from the world of smashers, and expelled from its most prestigious school. Since then, new information has come to light in regards to the events of this morning- the aforementioned hearing is now relegated a trial, which will be overseen by Justice Mia Fey, and handled by Prosecutor Miles Edgeworth and a state-appointed defense attorney. You may retain your controller until this date- in addition, your status as a student at the Super Smash Bros. School of Smashing will be decided at this time.
Wishing you all the best,
Lana Skye,
Chief Prosecutor,
Government of Smashing.
Once more, it took Mario several read-throughs of this letter before he accepted that yes, it really said that. Some of the tension in his chest eased up, and that sprout of hope began to bear a bud- but he wouldn't allow it to bloom into a flower quite yet- it looked like everything hung on this trial.
"So, what now?" John asked, finally calming himself enough for semi-rational thought. "Have they made their decision?"
"No, they just did what governments do best- postponed it," Mario shrugged. "There's going to be a trial in a few weeks. They'll decide for certain then. So, all that said..." Mario sighed, standing up, "I'm tired- time for bed."
"NO, IT IS NOT TIME FOR BED!" John burst out, pointing at the chair Mario had just been rising from. "SIT BACK DOWN- WE ARE GETTING TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS TONIGHT!"
"The bottom of what?" Mario asked, doing as he was bid.
"BILL!" John shouted. "WHAT HAPPENED TO MY SON?!"
"Oh, right, that," Mario muttered. "Okay, look, here's what happened- I met up with Bill as we were both on the way home- him from a panty raid or whatever the smeg he and his gang do at night, I from a seedy pizzeria. Things started to get heated, so we thought we'd take a shortcut through a back alley- because that's always a great idea. Things got more heated, I took out my hat, then we got jumped by two flipping floows."
"But what did they do?" John asked. "What are these things?"
"Demons from the blackest pits of Hell!" Mario belted out, growing impatient. "They suck out all the happiness a person has, and if they're feeling particularly sadistic, they'll try to kiss them-"
"And that means what?!"
"It means they try to suck out your soul," Mario explained.
Another scream from Kate. "But- but he hasn't lost his-"
"No, no, he's still got his soul," Mario shook his head. "If he didn't, none of this would have even happened."
"So, you fought 'em off, huh?" John asked, turning to his son with the air of someone struggling to bring things into a context they understood.
"No, he didn't," Mario shook his head. "Like I said- demons from the blackest pits of Hell- it takes a little more than brute strength to fight them off."
"Why's he okay, then?"
"Like I keep saying, I saved us- I used a final-"
*WHOOSH!*
*tap.*
"ALBATROSSES! ENOUGH FREAKING ALBATROSSES!"
Yup, fourth albatross, fourth letter for Mario. He tore it open right away. He was certain that it would be from the Master Hand, finally explaining and giving insight into what the actual smeg was going on that he actually found himself extremely disappointed when it turned out to be among the shortest letters ever written to him by Roy Alluvia.
Rusl's told us everything- we're trying to sort it all out. Stay there- don't leave Peach Creek no matter what.
Mario facepalmed- that couldn't be it, could it? Everything that had happened, all that smeg, and still nobody could spare some ink to finally tell him what was happening?
"I look one way, albatross! I look the other, another albatross!"
"WILL YOU FORGET THE FREAKING ALBATROSSES?!" Mario burst out- he was extremely frustrated right now, and not in the mood to have this conversation with his uncle. "I'm just the recipient- I have no control over whether they come or not!"
"Yeah, yeah, I see right through your BS!" John barked. "Why would they expel you if it was these flu-ohs that did this to Bill, huh?!"
"Because I did use my powers," Mario repeated. "But not on Bill! I used a final smash- the only branch of smashing powerful enough to fend those winnicotts off!"
"Which doesn't explain why they were here to begin with!" John pointed out.
"Honestly, that's been bugging me, too," Mario acknowledged, burying his face in his hands. "The smeg were they doing here...?"
Another long, ringing silence. Just when Mario thought he was finally about to get some rest and recuperate from this madness, John picked it up again. "You," he snarled. "It's got to be you! It's always you- why else would they be here? You say they guard a prison- you're on the run from the law!"
"No, I'm freaking not!" Mario burst out. "Holy Wave Existence, can you just back off for five freaking seconds! There's only one thing I can think of..."
"Which is?!"
"The only thing I can think- they were sent by... by him."
"By who?!"
"Yeah, must be," Mario though out loud. "Nobody else would be evil enough to abuse floows like that..."
XXXX
"Nwehehe... nwehehe...NWEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!"
XXXX
"By who?!" John repeated.
"First off, by whom," Mario corrected- kind of, he didn't actually know if that was right, he just wanted to infuriate his uncle even more. "Second- I'm talking about Tabuu."
You know, irony was something that loved to force itself in anywhere. Typically, the Smiths flinched, winced, or cringed anytime anything about the smasher world was brought up in their presence, yet, when the darkest, most evil part of that world was brought up, it flew a few miles over their heads- they just looked confused at the name of a smasher most smashers still flinched, winced, or cringed at the name of.
"Tabuu... Tabuu... I fell like I've heard that name somewhere," John muttered, tapping his foot furiously. Snapping his fingers, he nodded. "Oh, right- that deranged hand mentioned him a few years back- he's the one who-"
"Killed my parents, yup- glad to see you remember something about them," Mario muttered.
"But he's dead, isn't he?" John shook his head. "That hand said so- he died fifteen years ago!"
"So we thought," Mario agreed. "But it would seem news of his death was premature."
"And what do you mean by that?"
"I mean he's back," Mario said simply.
A long, long silence, punctuated at long last by a feeble word from Aunt Kate- "B...back?"
Mario blinked as he looked up at her- a shadow seemed to have crossed his aunt's face. A notion passed by him, a thought that he occasionally entertained at the very back of his mind, but very rarely had it hit him as hard as it did now- at the end of the day, Aunt Kate was his mother's sister. True, it hadn't stopped her from abusing him nonstop for the past several years- it in no way made up for the things she'd done- but what it did mean was that, for once, Mario wasn't alone here- he wasn't the only person in the household with a decent idea of what Tabuu's return actually meant.
"Yes," Mario nodded. "It happened about a month ago- I watched it happen. He's back and kicking."
John looked down at them in surprise as a look of sheer terror took his wife's face and she began to cling to him like a child to their parents. "Hold up... hold up. You say this... this Tab guy is back?"
"Tabuu," Mario corrected. "But yes."
"The one who killed your parents, along with God alone knows how many other people."
"Yup."
"And now he's sending fladabadabadoohs after you?"
"Couldn't say for sure, but that's what it looks like," Mario nodded.
"Well, in that case, our next course of action is clear," John straightened up. "Boy... away with you!"
Mario blinked. "Huh?"
"Out!" John shouted. "Get out of this house! Get out! We should have done it years ago- or better yet, never taken you in at all! Siccing a wolf on Bill, double jumping on school roofs like you owned the place, the turkey incident- we've never been able to enjoy Thanksgiving properly since!- sent Megan up into the air, destroyed our bathroom, destroying our desserts, and don't even get me started on that phone box- out! You've leeched off us for long enough, and if there's some crazy killer after your blood, you can deal with it on your own- you're not bringing us into the line of fire! Get out!"
Mario didn't rise from the chair this time- angry as he was with Rusl and Roy right now, he knew they both ultimately wanted the best for him, and they'd made it very clear- do not leave Peach Creek- stay with the Smiths, no matter what.
"What's with the delay?!" John burst out again. "You were trying to force your way out not that long ago, and no one's stopping you now! The door's right there, all you need to do is pack up and leave! Can someone remind me why we even accepted you in the first-"
*Ding-dong.*
Everyone spun around to stare at the front door. Forcing himself to remain calm, John headed to the door and opened it up, only for a strange man to burst in, dressed in remarkably short shorts, a tight top that showed off his midriff, and a large red hat. A whistle in his mouth blew as he somehow made his way past Uncle John and into the middle of the room. "HEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYY!" he called, causing a ringing to fill the ears of everyone present. He reached into a satchel at his side and produced an envelope. "I've got a letter here for-"
"For me, right?" Mario guessed, reaching out. "Alright, hand it over."
"Nope!" the mailman shook his head, stepping back to keep the letter out of Mario's reach, all while the Smiths simply sat, dumbfounded, staring at this odd intruder. "This here's a letter for Kate Smith!"
John spoke up, fury entering his voice again. "I don't know who you are, but you will not be delivering that letter here!"
"Are you sure?" the mailman asked, confused. "It seems like a pretty detailed address- Kate Smith, couch in the living room, Number 3, Peach Creek? That is you, isn't it?" As he spoke, he addressed Kate in question.
"Yeah, that's her," Mario sighed- he just wanted to get this absurd scenario overwith.
"You will not hurt her!" John yelled.
"I don't want to hurt her!" the mailman shook his head, eyes wide at the suggestion. "I just want to get her her mail! Here's what it says..."
He took out the letter and read it out loud at the top of his lungs-
"THE PATH OF THE RIGHTEOUS MAN IS BESET ON ALL SIDES BY THE INIQUITIES OF THE SELFISH AND THE TYRANNY OF EVIL! BLESSED ARE THOSE WHO, IN THE NAME OF CHARITY AND GOOD WILL, SHEPHERD THE WEAK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF DARKNESS, FOR THEY ARE TRULY THEIR SONS' KEEPERS, AND THE FINDERS OF LOST CHILDREN! I WILL STRIKE DOWN UPON THEE WITH GREAT VENGEANCE AND FURIOUS ANGER, THOSE WHO ATTEMPT TO POISON AND DESTROY MY SON! AND YOU WILL KNOW MY NAME-" (cue awesome guitar solo) "-WHEN I LAY MY VENGEANCE UPON THEE!"**
The mailman took a deep breath as he concluded the letter. "...And that's what it says," he confirmed. "Well, can't hang around here all day- onward to mail!" He thrust the letter at Kate, presumably for future reference, then tore off into the night.
John's jaw dropped. "What is this... I don't even... Kate?"
Apparently, whatever all that had meant, it held much more meaning for Kate than a simple pop culture reference. John wasn't alone in his jaw-droppage- Bill and Mario were struggling to make sense of this as well. Finally, Kate, almost choking as she spoke, forced out, "The... the boy stays, John."
"W-what?"
"He... he stays."
"But... but Kate," John was clearly struggling to understand how that faux-biblical-passage had somehow managed to sway her opinion so much.
"If we kick him out, the neighbors will start talking." Kate was clearly struggling to hide how unnerved she was as she adopted her usual manner. "Too many awkward questions- we have to keep him."
Mario didn't believe that one for a second- it was a last-minute excuse, not her actual reasoning. That said, for the life of him, he couldn't begin to discern the actual reason. "So... who was that letter from?"
"Don't ask questions," Kate snapped, falling back on her oldest rule.
"You're not- you're not in contact with smashers, are you?"
"Go to bed!" Kate snapped again- she was clearly getting more and more uncomfortable.
"What the smeg was that all about- why would someone be firing off quotes like-"
"WHAT ARE YOU, DEAF?! YOUR AUNT SAID TO GO TO BED, SO GET TO BED!"
XXXX
*That's my pronunciation and I'm sticking to it.
** Yeah, I love Pulp Fiction just a tad too much. Come on, it's one of the most quotable movies... ever!
Alright, wrapping this one up. Still feeling pretty stressed, but a little better than when I started- lost some of my anti-depressants, led to a very steep slope that, thankfully, ended when I got them renewed- starting to feel better again. But enough facebook-stuff, I have some questions to answer! To begin with, let's tackle the questions from the end of last story- starting with this question from Spidershadow:
Q: Is the 'Nwehe' supposed to be a clue to Umbridge's identity? A: Sure is! I won't say who, but there's someone out there who's already correctly guessed Umbridge's true identity- shout-out to them when said identity is finally revealed. For long-time Chuggaaconroy fans, here's another clue- count the 'he's.'
And next, a more standard question from FelineWithin-
Q: Where does the sleep totem (see Mario Mario and the Bottle of Lightning chapter 40 for details) come from? A: That's a shout-out to Kirby- specifically, those totems that give Kirby the power shown on them instantly- even more specifically, the incredibly jerkish sleep totem that gives him the sleep ability. Man... back in Superstar, there was a maze of those freaking things in The Great Cave Offensive, left scars on me that have never fully healed... Also, glad to see you caught the Live A Live reference at the tail end of the last story, and I just want to say, yes, Li Kuugo will be in this story. Not a huge part, mind you- probably another CF- but she'll be playing a part nonetheless.
Alright, long enough end-notes. As usual, hope you guys all enjoyed! To let me know, please R&R, constructive criticism and questions embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!