Gamer4 in. Well, I've got nothing really important to say this time around, so how about a quick anecdote instead? The thing is, I'm guessing most of you think that the way Mario is portrayed in this series (the sarcastic straight-man snarker) is something I came up with for these stories- but actually, no, it isn't! Way back in the days of yore, when I was just a wee kindergartner, my very first video game ever was Super Mario World, which I played the snot out of- it blew my mind on epic proportions you wouldn't even believe, and still holds a special place in my heart today. Eventually, after several months of gameplay, I finally found my way through the accursed Forest of Illusion and, ultimately, to Wendy's Castle- for those of you who haven't played the game, or at least that far, or are lucky enough to have blocked it from your memories, that level involves dodging many, many, many sawblades. At one point, there's little choice but to duck under it, and watch as it scrapes against Mario's head anyways. My kindergarten-addled mind went into overdrive, imagining that the saw had sliced up his hat- and from there, I came up with the somewhat amusing image of him having a dry, unamused, 'Ah, great, that's the third hat this week' reaction to it. From that day on... that became Mario's personality to me. No matter how often I saw that wide smile in games, how many other alternate character interpretations I heard from various corners of the internet, or whatever, to me, Mario was always that straight man who got through his adventures by snarking everything out. Over the years, it's something that's become so ingrained in my mind that I simply can't see him any other way- the Mario you see in this series is Mario as I always saw him. So, after that long anecdote, let's get to the next chapter! There's story-telling to be done!

Disclaimer: Carry on, my wayward son! There'll be peace when you are done! Lay your weary head to rest... don't you cry no more!

Chapter V

Philanthropy

"Your family?" Mario couldn't help asking, eyes wide.

"My mommy, to be specific," Roy nodded. "Not the best mommy who ever lived- the hag known to the world primarily as Sonia Reed."

"Sonia-"

"Reed, yes," Roy nodded, clearly already understanding his confusion. "Not Sonia Alluvia- Tabuu isn't the only one who can change his name after leaving his family."

"Your family... you mean..."

"Yup," Roy nodded heavily. "This musty old armpit of a house used to belong to my beloved parents- since everyone else in the line is dead, it's kind of mine by default. It's so out-of-the-way that the Master Hand thought it would make perfect headquarters- who would think to find us here? So far, that's been about the sum of my contribution to this little movement..."

Mario blinked- he didn't usually think of Roy as a bitter man, but there was definitely a none-too-subtle trace of bitterness in his voice as he spoke those words- if he had to guess, Roy wasn't exactly overjoyed with the old hand right now either.

Noticing his godson's hardened face, Roy blinked, shook his head, and forced a smile. "But what are we standing around here for? Sup, sup, suppertime, sup, sup, suppertime!"

He took up a singsong voice and led a procession of smashers into the dining room.

Despite the clear effort to brighten things up, the dining room was still hopelessly gloomy- even the chandelier, in the shape of a giant koopa shell, did little to bring light to the room. The only real source of light was the fireplace at the end of the hall. Mario choked as he entered the room, smelling a foul, acrid scent. "What is that ungodly smell?"

Roy turned to the middle of the table, where a huddle of sky-blue robes was twitching. "KAMEK!" he barked, causing it to sit bolt upright and reveal the anthro turtle, panicking as he hastened to stash something into his pockets. "What did I say about the highmore caviar at the dinner table?!"

"Not to do it?" Kamek cringed.

"Exactly- as long as you're here at my house, you operate under my rules, got it? Or should I set Bayonetta on you again?"

Mario glanced around to see the woman with black hair perking up, a sadistic smile gracing her face as her eyes sought out the magical anthro- who responded by gulping and slowly inching his way under the table.

With him out of the way, Mario turned his attention to Rusl, the father of the Faron children, and Midna, his oldest daughter, with fiery red hair falling down her back in a ponytail. Rusl smiled warmly as he noticed Mario standing there. "Ah, Mario- great to see you!"

Midna smirked. "Definitely- we all had a bet on when you'd turn up. Dad was betting you wouldn't be here 'til next week- thought Simon would try to drive you around the equator first."

"You only lost narrowly, Rusl," Krystal muttered. "He would have, if Fox and I had allowed it. Still, I guess you have to pay up to Midna now."

"Not quite," Midna shook her head with a smirk.

"None of us were optimistic enough to think you'd get here tonight," Bayonetta elaborated. "The nearest guess was the day after tomorrow."

Mario shook his head and took a seat- noticing several papers in front of him. He tried to examine them closer- it seemed to be a map of some kind, though it was incomprehensible to him- a tangle of spiderwebbing zigzags with little rhyme or reason, headed by three letters: SCP.

Uli noticed his examination, and quickly came over to sweep the documents away. "Maybe we should clean these things up before concluding our meetings, hm?"

"Ah, give 'em here," Midna offered, extending a hand. Uli dumped the papers into said hand, where they proceeded to disintegrate into black squares that disappeared into thin air.

Roy promptly took a seat next to Mario, patting him on the back. "I'd like to catch up with you, but first, let's get to work on some trolling, shall we?" He turned to Uli. "Can we get some mac and cheese over here?"

"We're having shepherd's pie tonight, and you will like it," Uli shut him down instantly.

As Roy turned to pout at the table, Mario glanced to the side- and promptly had a heart attack as he saw Kamek resurfacing only a few inches away. "HOLY... WAVE EXISTENCE! DON'T... DON'T DO THAT!"

"Sorry!" Kamek backed up quickly. "Sorry, I just... I just figured I owed you an apology! Ducking out on you during my shift, and all that! You don't have to worry, Bayonetta got on me well enough over that..."

"And who exactly is Bayonetta?" Mario asked, glancing over at her.

"Former Umbran witch and current head of discipline here at Philanthropy," Bayonetta flashed a mischievous smile in his direction. "Did I happen to hear your voice earlier?"

"Er..."

"Well, keep it down from now on, okay? There are two things in this world I simply cannot tolerate- cockroaches and crying children." Suddenly looking contemplative, she added, "Well, I suppose a crying baby cockroach would be absolutely intolerable... but the point is, you do not want to find yourself on my... list."

"How bad are we talking?"

"You remember that movie, Krampus?"

"Yeah..."

"He was begging for me to take his job by the time I was through with him."

Mario made an indistinct noise in the back of his throat before turning back to Kamek.

"So, how's old man Jenkins doing?" Kamek asked.

"I haven't seen him since that night," Mario shook his head. "I was kind of... isolated."

"Look, you know I wouldn't have left if I didn't have a good reason, don't you?" Kamek continued, sounding almost pleading. "You believe that, right? I know it was important, but this opportunity arose, y'see, and-"

Mario, who was already bored, found something much more worth his time when he felt a sudden weight on his lap, and looked down to see Simba the Meowth circling around it, nuzzling up to his stomach and generally bidding for attention. Given that the only other immediately obvious thing to do was listen to Kamek's waffling, Mario was happy to oblige.

That is, until Roy finally finished his pouting session and turned back to his godson. "So, how goes thine summer, son?"

"I've had better," Mario shrugged. "Not that I ever really cared for this season, but..."

"Yeah, well, what ya gonna do?" Roy shrugged right back. "Hey, at least you got to break things up with those floows, huh?"

Mario blinked- this is the first time he'd ever heard someone refer to an encounter with floows as being remotely a good thing. He threw a questioning look at his godfather, who responded with a barklike laugh. "Oh, yeah, I've been holed up here the whole time- the old Hand doesn't want me breaking my cover, so, strict house arrest for me. I thought I might be able to get out there as a wolf, but... well, Mumkhar will have already told Tabuu all about that, and any spies of his in the government will have passed it along to them, so..."

He'd cooled down quite a bit, but he still offered the same rebuttal he had to Link and Zelda: "Well, at least you've been able to hear what's going on."

"Through the lines of Wolf's condescending reports, that crud-eating grin, and snide hints that I'm enjoying myself taking care of the home front, yeah," Roy half-conceded. "Acting like I'm doing nothing here, when I arguably have the more dangerous job."

"What's his job?"

"Spying on Tabuu for the Master Hand. I, meanwhile, have become intimately involved in the greatest undertaking of the modern age- cleaning out this dungheap of a house. The only person who's lived here since my witch of a mother died- no offense, Bayonetta- is that old yoshi of theirs, and he... he's gone a bit... peculiar."

"DOOOOOOOOOOOODGE!" came a sudden cry from nearby, and Mario felt himself being slammed into, knocked forcibly to the ground. Looking up, he saw a series of knives and pots carrying boiling-hot soup flying overhead- had he remained where he was, he'd have been skewered, shishkebobbed, and boiled alive, all at once. Looking up at his savior, he saw Bayonetta leaning on top of him.

"Thanks," he muttered gruffly- he was still getting his wind back.

"Glad to help, little one," she smirked. "I do quite a bit of dodging myself. If you can't think of a way to repay me, I might-"

"Not now, Bayonetta," came a derisive-sounding voice nearby, as Li Kuugo lifted her off of the young pyromancer, a scowl on her face. "And, preferably, not ever again."

Mario rose to his feet and spied Kirby and Meta at the other end of the chamber, cringing under their mother as she shouted them down. "WHY?!" she was yelling. "I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU'RE LEGALLY ADULTS NOW, BUT THAT STILL DOESN'T MEAN YOUR POWERS SHOULD BE THE DEFAULT ANSWER TO EVERYTHING!"

"Just trying to speed things up a bit," Kirby rubbed the back of his head. "Sorry, Mario... Roy..."

Roy, however, couldn't stop himself from laughing. With him out of the way, it fell to Rusl to be the adult. "Your mother's right, boys- you've been given great power, true, but with great power comes great responsibility."

"Ah, you're just ripping off old Uncle Ben," the twins waved aside.

"And just because it was said in a movie makes it any less valid?!" Uli barked. "Never- never before or after have we had this much trouble- not with Midna, or Linebeck, or Peach, or Rob-"

Mario could almost hear the record-needle scratch as all sound in the dining room suddenly ceased, the smiles on everyone's faces vanishing in an instant. The mere mention of the robot's name seemed to be enough to bring a dark cloud over the dinner table.

Finally, Fox broke the remarkably uncomfortable silence by calling out, "Oh, you didn't tell us you were making ham soup, too, Uli! Nice touch, very nice touch!"

Slowly, the gears started turning and everything began to return to normal. Uli forcefully shook her head and turned to Roy. "Is Simon still here, Roy?"

"Nah, he took off as soon as we called it," Roy shook his head. "Why?"

"There's something in that old chest up there- Rusl and I talked, and we agreed it's probably a Tane-Tane, but given the... state of this place's former owners, we want to make sure before we go doing anything rash."

"Fair enough," Roy nodded. "I'll keep an eye out for our dear vampire-hunter- let him know next time he comes in."

"And while we're at it, we've got a load of keese living in the same room- might as well make them tomorrow's objective."

"Sounds good," Roy shrugged indifferently.

Krystal, meanwhile, was entertaining Peach and Zelda by abusing her shapeshifting abilities to hell and back, taking on the appearances of people such as, but definitely not limited to, Mr. Clean, the Dairy Queen, the Burger King, (set to a rousing chorus of 'What is Love?'), Masae Anela, Castiel, and Erza Scarlett. Following that last one, to both girls' delight, she mixed it up a bit, holding the visage of Erza, but using that famed line from Castiel, "I'm the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition," complete with deep, gravelly voice.

On the more serious end of things, Rusl and Fox were discussing the potential position of the goombas in the war with Midna. "They're not interested in taking sides yet," she was explaining. "Of course, it's a very real possibility that they'll tell everyone involved to take a long walk off a short pier."

"I can't see them siding with the Great Darkness," Rusl shrugged, helping himself to a spoonful of soup. "They've got as much to lose to him as we do, and not nearly as much to gain."

"But is that necessarily true?" Fox mused. "Smashers in general haven't been the kindest to the goombas over the years, and Tabuu is a master of deception- all he has to do is convince them that he has more to offer them... how's Goomboss doing, Midna?"

"I wouldn't count on him to take any sides," Midna shook her head. "He's in a state of hating anything to do with smashers right now.

Finally, Mario turned to Roy and asked the question that had been nagging at him ever since that night with the floows- "So, what's with Kamek? Doesn't seem like much of a philanthropist..."

"He's not," Roy agreed. "He's here because he's useful- he's got a lot of connections in the underworld- seedy little smegger. But he won't be betraying us anytime soon- he is genuinely loyal to the Hand, and Bayonetta's made it very clear what she thinks of traitors, so... yeah."

"Why so loyal to the Hand?"

"He helped him out of a... tight spot, shall we say?"

"What kind of tight spot?"

"Don't tell him!" Krystal interrupted, turning her attention to them.

"Oh, come on, am I allowed to know anything?" Mario objected.

"You don't want to know this," Krystal shook her head. "Roy, you shouldn't have told me, but you did, so now I'm telling you, Mario- you don't want to know."

"Well, there you have it," Roy nodded. "It's not the most pleasant story- besides, it doesn't really matter right now, does it?"

"Huh?" Mario raised his eyebrows.

"Well, let's stop beating around the bush, shall we?" Roy wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. "We both know what you really want to talk about, so why not come out with it?"

"Um..."

Roy sighed. "No need to play dumb- don't you want to know what's going on with Tabuu?"

There was that record-needle scratch again. Everyone ceased in their meals, eyes front and center as Roy's sentence graced their ears.

"Of... of course I do," Mario nodded, feeling somewhat wrong-footed, speaking into the dead silence that had suddenly risen. "I guess I just figured you wouldn't tell us anything- Link and Zelda were saying something about how we're too young-"

"Dang right, you are!" Uli agreed, her eyebrows knitting. "Far too young!"

Roy waved his hand. "Mario's earned the right to ask some questions, many times over," he argued. "All that smeg from the end of last year, then a month cooped up with those muggles, doesn't he have the right to be curious?"

"Yo, what the heck?" came Meta's voice.

"Taking Mario's side all of a sudden, why didn't you ever stick up for us, huh?" Kirby agreed. "I mean, at least we're legal adults!"

"And legally blond!" Meta agreed.

"Not my call," Roy shrugged. "Rusl and Uli's. With Mario, on the other hand-"

"That's not your call either!" Uli barked. "Don't you remember what the Master Hand said?"

"He's said quite a bit over the past few weeks, why don't you get a bit more specific?" Roy shot back.

"Don't tell Mario more than he needs to know!"

"Well, I didn't exactly plan on telling him the full inner workings of the Foundation!" Roy retaliated. "Not that we've got a good idea of that, either, anyways! But we're talking about the guy who witnessed Tabuu's resurrection, then was sent back home to receive absolutely no word about anything for four weeks!"

"But he's still too young!" Uli countered. "He's only fifteen-"

"And he's already done more than some of our eldest members!" Roy cut in, sparing a quick look of pride for his godson before returning to glaring at Uli. "Need we bring up the sacred writings on Fanfiction known as the 'Mario Mario' series?"

"No, no we need not!" Uli shook her head fervently. "But no matter how many words that idiot of a gamer logs, it doesn't change that Mario is still-"

"Not a child!" Roy growled.

"But he's not an adult, either! He's not the reincarnation of your best friend!"

"I never said he was!"

"Not outright, no, but the way you talk about him sometimes is enough to make one think that you see him as your replacement goldfish!"

"I've been called worse things over the years," Mario shrugged.

"Mario, you may look like him, and you may have a large portion of his personality, but at the end of the day, you are not Jake Mario," Uli shook her head. "To treat you as if you were is simply irresponsible!"

"Are you calling me irresponsible?!" Roy's eyes narrowed. "Them's fightin' words!"

"You're not exactly presenting a good case otherwise!" Uli pointed out. "You tend to leap before you look, Roy- why else would the Master Hand tell you to-"

"I play my Irrelevance card!" Roy burst out, making motions as though playing the world's most dramatic card game. "It allows me to point out how the Master Hand's instructions have nothing to do with the issue at hand, deducting a thousand life points from you for each word in your previous sentence, thus winning me the duel!"

"Rusl!" Uli burst out, turning to her husband.

Rusl looked panicked at being asked his opinion. "Well... well, Uli..." He paused, cleared his throat, and adopted a more professional stance. "Well, Uli, the way I see it... the Master Hand did say to limit the information Mario receives, but even he acknowledges that, if he's staying in our base of operations, he must learn, at the very least, some of the basics..."

"But Roy is insisting he be allowed to ask anything he wants!"

"But not necessarily receive answers," Fox pointed out. "Besides, Uli, bereft of information, Mario may develop a hunger, and, in hunger, may turn to less... reliable... sources."

He couldn't be sure, but something told Mario that Fox wasn't as certain as Uli was that all of the Faron twins' soup cans had survived the Purge. (TM.)

Uli looked around, seemingly desperate for support, before sighing. "Okay, fine, do it your way. Just remember that I do, in fact, have Mario's interests at heart-"

"Which is all well and good, but he's not actually your son," Roy pointed out.

"He's as good as," Uli retorted.* "Who else does he have?"

"Well, there's me." As he said it, Roy raised his hands in a 'here-I-am' sort of way.

"True, and you've done a fine job of filling in as his father, all those years in Subspace," Uli replied bitingly.

Roy snapped, rising from his chair and reaching for his sword. He only stopped when Fox rose as well- from his chair, and raising his voice. "Enough!" he called out. "Roy, sit down and put that thing away. Uli, you're not the only one who cares for Mario."

Slowly, both Uli and Roy seated themselves again, determinedly looking away from one another. Fox cleared his throat, and continued. "Now, while it's hard to tell what to do exactly, I would say that, at the very least, Mario deserves a say in the proceedings. He's earned that much."

"I want to know what's going on," Mario spoke up immediately. He appreciated Uli, and was genuinely touched by her statement that he was as good as her son, but at the same time, he was with Roy- he'd left his childhood behind a ways back- at the very latest, in that graveyard in Threed.

"Alright... alright," Uli finally conceded defeat. "You can stay. But you, Link... Zelda... Peach... twins... away with you."

"OBJECTION!" came five voices at once.

"We're already adults!" the Faron twins repeated.

"Zelda and I went through everything with Mario, why can't we stay, too!" Link brought up.

"Mom, I want to know what's going on, too!" Peach looked angrier than Mario had ever seen her.

"OVERRULED!" Uli raised her voice. "I will not allow-"

"Well, we may as well concede to Kirby and Meta Knight," Rusl spoke quietly. "You've been using their age as an excuse to throw all those responsibilities on them, why not give them some of the benefits of being adults, too?"

Uli opened and closed her mouth for a moment, then sighed. "Alright, you two can stay, too. But Link and Zelda-"

"You'd just be prolonging the inevitable," Link spoke up, shaking his head. "Mario will just fill us in afterwards... won't you?" As he spoke, he threw an uncertain look at his red-clad friend.

Very briefly, Mario felt a fire in his stomach- the fire of a monster living in his heart. The monster was born the day he was sent back to the Smiths, and over the past month, had fed off his anger, his frustration, his resentment, his sense of abandonment and betrayal, leeching off of them like they were its mother's milk. In that moment, it roared, insisting that Mario turn to Link and tell him that no, he wouldn't- that he, Mario, would be the one finding things out for once, that Link and Zelda could stay in the dark for a while, see how they liked it.

But one glance at Link, and it ended. One look at the face of his comrade, looking so uncertain... that look on Link's face was an arrow of light, flying straight into Mario's heart, slaying the monster with one fell blow, snapping Mario out of it- how could he think such a thing? "Of course," he nodded, and a look of relief passed the swordsman's face. Mario smiled and quietly shook his head- just once, he'd like to hold a stable grudge, just to see what it was like.

"Oh, love of- Peach, to bed!" Uli shouted, in a tone that invited instant death on anyone who attempted to argue the point. Even Peach was cowed, quietly skulking to the door and heading up the stairs.

A moment of silence, and Roy spoke. "Okay... so... where to begin?"

"Where is he?" Mario asked without hesitation. "Tabuu- where is he, what's he doing? I tried following some news outlets, but nothing's been happening that sounds like him- why?"

"Well, you could have worked that one out on your own- as your former teacher, I know you're smart enough," Fox smiled. "Simple cause and effect- there's been nothing in the news that sounds like him, because he hasn't leapt back into his old shenanigans, as far as we know- which is a lot more than he'd like to think."

"The thing is, Tabuu made a mistake last month- a fatal mistake that could nip his revolution in the bud," Roy flashed a proud smile at Mario.

Mario, however, didn't understand why he deserved such pride. "How? What happened, what did he do?"

"He let you walk away alive!" Roy thumped him on the back. "It was supposed to be a quiet thing, send your body back, make it look like you and DK died in the labyrinth, then get his act together and take over the smasher world while the Master Hand was still tying his shoes! But no- you survived, and did exactly the worst thing you could have done- by Tabuu, at least."

"What was that?"

"You told the Master Hand," Fox raised a glass slightly, smiling. "Thanks to you, the Master Hand knew about Tabuu's revival only an hour or so after it happened- and that's made all the difference."

"Tabuu back less than a day, and the Master Hand was already getting Philanthropy back together," Roy nodded.

"And doing... what?" Mario asked.

"Moving as fast as we can to stop Tabuu's plans from coming to fruition."

"And you know what he's planning because...?"

"When has the Master Hand not known what's going on?" Fox pointed out.

Mario was feeling a certain amount of resentment towards the old Hand, but it had been him who'd said, not that long ago, that he trusted the Master Hand's guesses more than he trusted most peoples' facts, so he conceded the point, quietly nodding and motioning for them to continue.

"Step 1, of course, is to rebuild his army," Roy picked up. "You say he only had a dozen or so starmen at his welcome-home party- that's only a fraction of the influence he used to have. Smashers, of course, but also ancients, floows- you don't try to take on the world with just a rabble of mindless Starmen."

"So, to retaliate," Mario tried to piece it together on his own, "you're trying to stop him from getting any followers, right?"

"The smaller we keep his army, the easier it'll be to take him down," Fox nodded.

"And step one to that," Midna stepped in, "is to convince people that he's back. A large part of his army last time were people being mind controlled- so, ideally, we put up as many people's defenses as possible, and they won't get mind controlled this time around. Unfortunately, that's a lot more difficult than it really should be..."

"Why's that?"

Krystal sighed. "The government isn't particularly satisfied with what's going on- they refuse to believe that the Great Darkness is back, and they're doing everything they can to discourage the idea."

"Why?" Mario asked, confused. "I mean, the Master Hand himself-"

"And you just hit the nail on the head," Rusl shook his head heavily.

"Our good president is afraid of the old hand," Li Kuugo muttered, looking somewhat bitter.

"Afraid... of the Master Hand?" Mario asked, bewildered.

"Or, more accurately, of what he thinks the Master Hand is doing," Fox explained. "Something in Andrew Ryan's mind refuses to accept that Tabuu could be back, and the only alternative is that the Master Hand is lying- lying to ruin his reputation, and to usurp his throne as President."

"The Master Hand doesn't want to be president!" Mario objected. "Doesn't he remember that the Hand turned down the presidency after winning it in a landslide?!"

"True," Rusl agreed. "The presidency has never been a goal of the Master Hand's- but Andrew Ryan seems to have a selective memory. He's forgotten that, memories of it replaced with memories of how much support he had, memories of how much Olimar relied on him for advice throughout his term..."

"Deep down, Andrew Ryan suspects the Master Hand would make a better president than he would- and he's afraid others will begin to think that way as well," Fox continued. "But he's grown fond of the power he holds in his position- to throw away his own self-doubt, convincing himself that the Master Hand is lying is the only option left to him."

"The Great Darkness's return would mean a clusterf*** the likes of which we haven't seen for many years," Bayonetta put in. "And Mr. Ryan's order-loving mind can't stand the thought of it- from his point of view, it's much easier to put his fingers in his ears and ignore any evidence the Master Hand volunteers."

"Which raises quite the hefty problem," Roy agreed. "The government's on one side, insisting that everything's fine and dandy, while we're on the other, screaming that we're standing on the edge of destruction, here. That's not something people are keen to believe in the first place, but throw that together with the government's attitude, and most people will go through any mental gymnastics necessary to convince themselves that there's no real problem except the ravings of a senile disembodied limb."

"But you are getting the word out, aren't you?" Mario spoke urgently. "You are trying to convince others, right?"

"Well, there's an issue with a lot of us trying to tell anyone anything," Gordon spoke up for the first time. "Take Roy, for example- an ex-convict can't exactly walk around in public."

"Don't forget about me," Bayonetta smirked, adjusting her glasses.

"What about you?" Li asked scathingly.

"I'm an ex-con, too," she pointed out, to a collective sigh from certain members of the gathering.

"Yeah, we know, because you won't stop bringing it up," Li muttered. "Don't mess with me, I did a full year in jail once, yada yada yada... nobody would be impressed if they knew why you were in jail for a year, though, would they?"

"Enough," Fox raised his voice. "At any rate, while I am free to tell people, I'm liable to be brushed aside due to my... condition." Mario nodded- he was aware that, on nights of the full moon, Fox became a porcine monstrosity.

"Any one of us who works at the government can consider their lips perpetually sealed," Gordon spoke up again. "Me, Rusl, Krystal, Midna... we shoot our mouths, we lose our mouths- so to speak. It's critical that we retain our jobs, keeping eyes in the government- because you can bet your bottom dollar that the Great Darkness does."

"Not to say that nobody's finding out," Rusl put in. "Take Krystal, for example- as she's probably told you, she was in senior year in your noob year- far to young to have been part of the resistance last time. As her old mentor, Gordon was able to reach out to her and let her know what was going on- she's loyal to him before the government. On top of that, Gordon's also in charge of the manhunt for Roy- as far as the government knows, Roy hijacked a spaceship and is en route to Second Miltia as we speak- a good four thousand or so lightyears away from here."

"But what does any of that matter, if nobody's spreading the word?!" Mario asked desperately.

"Who said nobody's spreading the word?" Roy asked, a look of mock-hurt on his face. "Why do you think the Master Hand's in so much trouble?"

"The Master Hand? In trouble?"

"Oh, yeah," Roy nodded fervently. "All over the Tribune- he's tried to give several speeches, only for organized protests to break out- people standing in in protest, pulling fire alarms- Talon tried to give a speech about what it was like to live through the first smasher war, people gathered 'round outside and insisted he was forming a group to legalize rape! As for what the government's doing about all this, he's been kicked out of the smasher U.N., apparently for arguing against certain policies- policies that turned people against him once they 'found out' he 'opposed' them- but actually because of all those speeches he's giving about Tabuu's return. Lost his seat on the High Court, barred from any government help- except where the Smash Bros. are concerned, of course- and he's getting smeared in the Tribune almost as much as you are."

"Some of us are worried that he'll find himself in Subspace soon on some trumped-up charge," Rusl noted sadly. "That would be a disaster for us. We can't have the government taking the Great Darkness's biggest obstacle out of the way this early in the game- or, ideally, at all."

"But if Tabuu's trying to recruit, isn't it going to come out at some point anyways?" Mario asked hopelessly.

Roy chuckled humorlessly. "We're not dealing with Snidely Whiplash here, Mario- he doesn't waltz into people's homes, tie their loved ones to the railroad tracks, twirl his moustache, and order them around under threat of the train coming in. He's operating as quietly as he can- he has to, to keep the government off his back. At the moment, he's diverting his resources a bit- he'll start seriously gathering help later, for now, he's trying to get some things that he can only get while nobody's paying him any attention."

"What are you talking about?"

Roy sighed. "Well, that's top-secret. I couldn't tell you. It would definitely be out of line for me to say, for example, that he's on a stealth mission, of sorts. I could never tell you that there's an... item, shall we say- that he's looking for. It would be right out for me to tell you that this item would be a valuable weapon in his hands- I would be crossing all sorts of lines to tell you that, if he'd had this item last time, we probably would have lost the war."

Mario snapped. "Enough beating around the bush- what is it? What could be worse than his deathblow?"

Roy looked like he was on the verge of telling him, but Uli spoke up first. "Enough! This little chatting session has gone on long enough- to bed, all of you!"

"We're adults now!" Kirby objected. "You can't boss us-"

"Now!" Uli growled, adopting her best 'angry Erza Scarlett' impression, prompting Kirby and Meta Knight to cling to each other as they dashed upstairs, crying out, "Aye!"

Uli turned on Roy. "Think you gave him enough information? You might as well accept him into Philanthropy right now, at the rate you're going!"

"And why not?" Mario spoke up. "Why not let me join- I want to fight!"

Roy clapped once, giving his godson a proud smile and wink, but the next objection came, not from Uli, but from Fox.

"I'm sorry, Mario, but we can't do that," he shook his head, momentarily sounding almost like his more wolflike counterpart. "The only ones allowed into Philanthropy are adults- adults that have finished school," he added quickly, predicting the 'Kirby-and-Meta-Knight' argument before it came. "There are things at play here that you couldn't possibly comprehend. Roy, Uli's right- we've said enough."

It looked reluctant, but Roy nodded nonetheless. With Kirby and Meta having thrown in the towel already, Mario figured he and his friends didn't stand much of a chance either- he crossed the room to Link and Zelda as they stood, and as one, they began their trek up the stairs.

XXXX

*Another line that I simply couldn't edit or omit- one of the most heartwarming lines in the series, at a not-particularly-heartwarming juncture.

FREAKING MOABS! I'LL KILL YOU AND YOUR WHOLE- oh, hey, chapter's over. Just playing... a little Bloon Tower Defense on the side... heh heh... aaaaand, I just realized my roommate changed the mouse to the computer without telling me. Again.

Well, the only questions today are related to the 'popular meme' that I spoke of last chapter- you know, during Mario's rant? Most people guessed it as a reference to Dragonball Z Abridged- and while I'd be the first to admit that I am a fan of that show, and that is one of my favorite parts... I didn't really think of that part as a reference to it. The whole 'someone shouts so loud that somebody a ridiculous distance away can still hear them' thing isn't something invented by Team Four-Star- it's been in plenty of places before. That said, I wouldn't say that guess is entirely wrong, either- it's just that, I was referring to the whole 'Mario shouting' scene, not just the cutaways to people reacting to it. As far as that goes, there is one person who correctly guessed it- calling out, Scottish Knight, who correctly identified the scene as being modeled after those 'Hitler reacts to-' videos that were all the rage a few years back! You know, a clip of some movie where Hitler reacts to bad news by taking it out on his room full of Nazis, except people sub it to be about something completely different than what it was in the actual movie? (I've never seen the movie myself, I wouldn't know- I don't even know what movie it is.) Pretty obscure, yes, but play one of those videos alongside the Mario ranting section, you'll see it.

Long end-notes this time around- looks like the Alluvia family history will have to wait for the next chapter, which I would definitely like to get up later this week! Until then, please R&R, constructive criticism embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!