Gamer4 in, getting started on this chapter a little early- my 'no-sleeping-allowed' curse strikes again. *Sigh.* This time, I'll go ahead and blame the massive Fairy Tail binge I've been on lately, though, as long-time readers will know, it's been many years since I've actually had a good night's sleep. Vote for Baja Blast, and let's get going.
Disclaimer: On a stormy sea of whirling emotion, tossed about just like a ship on the ocean, I set a course for winds of fortune, but I hear the voices say-
Chapter VII
House of Cards
Mario cracked his eyes open to a room that seemed even bleaker than usual. Gazing around, he saw dust hanging over everything, including a clear inch on Link's bed- currently unoccupied by the swordsman himself. He noticed, as he rose up from the bed, that it was more difficult than it should have been, and when he stood and looked back, he saw why- he'd been wrestling against the remarkably deep indentation his body had made in it- deeper than any indentation he'd seen in any other bed, ever.
"Mario," spoke a soft voice at the door- he turned to see a stranger there, dressed in Roy's clothing, but much, much too old to be his godfather. "You're finally awake."
"The smeg happened, Roy?" he asked. "Where is everybody?"
"Everybody's dead, Mario."
Mario could practically hear the guitar riff coming up. "What? Who's dead?"
"Everybody, Mario."
"The Master Hand?"
"Everybody's dead, Mario."
"What about Link and Zelda?"
"Everybody's dead, Mario."
"Peach? Luigi?"
"They're all dead. Everybody's dead, Mario."
"The twins must be alive, though, right?"
"Everybody's dead, Mario," Roy repeated, annoyance beginning to creep into his voice.
"Surely Fox is still alive, right?"
"Holy Wave Existence, no, Fox isn't alive! Everybody's dead!"
"Come on, at this point, I'd even take Bowser!"
"No, Bowser's dead, too, Mario! Everybody's dead- everybody- is- dead- Mario!"
"Wait a minute- are you telling me everyone's dead?!"
Roy anime fell, before slowly forcing himself to his feet. "You know what? Forget it- go back to sleep for another hundred years, why don't you?"
Mario doubled over. "A HUNDRED YEARS?! You've got to be kidding me- I've still got that book I checked out from Ruto, she's gonna kill me!"
"She can't kill you!" Roy objected in exasperation. "She's dead- everybody's dead, Mario!"
"Then why are you still alive?"
"I won't be for long- I forced myself to live up to this point so I could explain it all to you."
"You mean... you mean, after this, you're just going to die and leave me alone?"
"Not quite," Roy shook his head. "Using our powers, we were able to revive one person in an immortal state to keep you company in the coming eternity- as a hologram." Turning around, he beckoned. "Come on out!"
Mario's jaw dropped at the individual approaching behind Roy. "No... this can't be..."
It was a large, anthropomorphic turtle with spikes on his shell, claws, and horns, his abnormally large, pointy teeth baring in a grin at the shocked pyromancer- the only thing that had changed about him was the strange, metal H imprinted on his forehead. Raising a claw in a stereotypical 'gangster' fashion, he chortled, "Yo, homedawg, gimme yo money, foo!"
Mario staggered backwards towards his bed, a scream welling up inside him. "THIS... ISN'T... REALLY... HAPPENING!"
XXXX
Mario sat bolt upright in his bed, sweating up a storm, on the verge of taking his yelling into the waking world before realizing that the room was back to looking only as gloomy as usual- Link was back where he belonged, there was only the usual amount of dust everywhere, and, when he glanced at the bed behind him, it was only the usual imprint expected from a bed of that quality. Sighing, he rubbed his eyes in agitation. "Sometimes, I wonder just how smegged up I actually am..."
He forced himself to his feet- no point trying to get back to sleep after that. As he dressed, he glanced over at Link- the next time he saw him, would he still be a fellow student of the Smash Bros.? No, he couldn't allow himself to think like that...
Given the earliness of the day, he thought he'd be eating alone- not so. He opened the door to the kitchen to find the Faron parents, Fox, Roy, and Krystal all helping themselves to some morning breakfast and light (very light) conversation. Roy smiled. "Looking sharp, there, Mario."
Mario nervously reached up and tugged at the collar of the blood-red suit Uli had picked out for him.
"Try not to mess it up over breakfast," Uli spoke quickly as she presented him with toast and ginger ale- his default breakfast when he felt like anything else would instantly be evacuated via vomit.
"Hope you had a good night," Krystal gave a weary smile- she herself had rings around her eyes.
"Aside from a weird dream," Mario shrugged off. "Better than Gamer4's night, at least."
"What makes you say that?"
"The fact that he's over there, blibbering his lips and smacking himself repeatedly over the head with a hammer."
Krystal glanced around and gave a surprised jump when she saw that it was exactly as Mario had described. Under the intense scrutiny of everyone in the room, Gamer4 responded magnificently- by crossing to the nearby wall and smacking his head against it repeatedly, chanting, "Error, error, error, error..."
"So, you say you have news for us to pass on to Gordon?" Fox asked.
"Oh, right," Krystal shook her surprise off. "He needs to watch his step, is what I was going to say- Big Boss is keeping his eye out for anyone associating with the Hand..."
"You doing okay, Mario?" Rusl asked gently, touching his surrogate son on the shoulder. Mario gave a horribly forced nod. Rusl gave a small smile of understanding. "There's nothing to worry about- this time tomorrow, you'll be wondering what was so frightening to begin with."
Adopting a more businesslike manner, he continued. "Alright, so... the trial will be held in one of the higher-up courtrooms- pretty small, as courtrooms go, this is a small offense, after all. Justice Mia Fey's presiding- she was a defense attorney herself, back in the day."
"Not to say she'll be throwing the trial to you automatically," Krystal put in, "she does care about justice... but, of course, that means the truth'll out and she'll be giving you a Not Guilty verdict anyways."
"Indeed," Rusl nodded his agreement. "The prosecutor will be Miles Edgeworth."
"I hear he's pretty fair," Roy spoke up. "Remarkably harsh on crime, yes, but he always reserves judgement until he's certain the person he's being harsh on actually has committed a crime."
"Yeah... I know the guy, he's pretty good," Mario threw up the old cowboy gesture.
"I know you like your hat, too," Uli put in, "but perhaps you should keep it in your pocket for now- given the circumstances and charges against you, you know?"
"Right," Mario shrugged, removing his treasured cap from his head and stuffing it into his pocket. His head felt naked without it.
"And perhaps we should consider shaving that moustache of yours..."
"No," Mario said firmly- he didn't care what was at stake, nothing was worth shaving his 'stache.
"Got your 3DS?" Rusl asked- Mario produced it from a pocket, Fire Emblem: Awakening loaded and ready to go. "Good- we're going to be getting there a little early."
"Everything's going to be okay," Krystal spoke up again.
"Just stick to the facts, and there's no legal grounds for conviction," Fox agreed.
"And if, by some coincidence, Mia still finds you guilty," Roy gave a mischievous smirk, "then she and my statue of The Thinker will have a date- a very close date, if you know what I mean."
Mario summoned a weak smile for his godfather's face, but it vanished as Rusl led him through the house and out onto the streets of Silent Hill.
Meanwhile, Gamer4 was still bashing his head against the wall. "Error, error, error, error, ERROR! ERROR! ERROR, SMEGGERS, EEEEEEERRRRRRRROOOOOOOORRRRRRR!"
"SHUT UP!" Uli burst out, in the exact fashion of Smosh. "Can somebody please help me tie this guy up?!"
A few moments later, Gamer4 had been tied up and tossed in the corner with a hat folded out of a newspaper sitting on top of his head. Even still, he was rocking back and forth, chanting, "They're coming to take me away, ha ha, they're coming to take me away, ho ho, hee hee, ha ha... They're coming to take me away, ha ha, they're coming to take me away, ho ho, hee hee, ha ha..."
XXXX
"I guess this'll be my first time seeing the government offices before," Mario mused. "I've never even been to Fourside."
"Honestly, it'll be a first for me, too," Rusl admitted, throwing a glance at Mario. "I usually just teleport to work, but you don't exactly have your license. I mean, it's possible to bring someone along with you when you teleport, but again, given the charges... that might not be the best idea."
"Yeah, I see where you're coming from," Mario nodded. "So, how are we getting there?"
"A bus to Fourside- it's not too overwhelmingly far- then a subway to the visitor's entrance."
The nearest bus-stop was still quite a walk away- through a creepy forest consumed by fog- but they had the good fortune to arrive just in time to catch the Grey Hand bus and offer up the fare for a lift to Fourside- though, as ever, Mario had to assist Rusl in sorting through the greenbacks, long left behind by the smasher world as a form of currency. It reminded Mario strongly of several years ago, when he'd been taken on a bus to the smasher town of Twisted Lane by the Crazy Hand, wildlife manager at the Smash Mansion and a close friend of his. Rusl was a little better- he, at the very least, didn't seem to have unfiltered caffeine for blood- but he was still overexcited about everything, every little difference between the world of smashers and the world of muggles. Not that Mario was complaining- if anything, it was nice to have something to smile about that morning...
It didn't take long for a large city to come up over the horizon. Across a desert, through a pair of tunnels connected by a suspension bridge, and Rusl was smiling, "Welcome, Mario, to the city of Fourside!"
Mario's jaw dropped- Seattle, Shanghai, Tokyo, London, Paris, New York, Berlin be smegged- this was the grandest city he'd ever seen in his life. Sky-flung monoliths of buildings seemed to be the norm- even a run-down old café nearby had several more floors than seemingly necessary. A bakery he spied out of the corner of his eye seemed to take the form a grand mansion- much less grand, of course, than the Smash Mansion, but still. The sights and sounds were almost magical- he could almost hear an awesome-sounding song playing constantly over everything, possibly from the nearby Topolla theater.
The bus screeched to a halt, and Rusl ushered Mario off, guiding him to a nearby map of the city. "Okay, if I remember everything correctly, we need to go this way..."
As enamored as Mario instantly found himself with this city, he couldn't help but notice an unusual feature of the streets as Rusl guided him along- the way the streets were set up were a tad... diagonal. Not just that they seemed that way from a birds-eye view, literally, the way they were designed, the way the lines were drawn, even the way the cars were driving along it all gave the impression that the streets of Fourside were on a sort of... slant.
He was just musing about this when Rusl spoke up- "And here we are!"
Mario looked up to see the tallest, grandest building in the city... and to find Rusl steering him off to the side, towards a museum.
"Um... Mr. Faron? Are you sure this is the right place?" Mario couldn't help but ask at this unexpected development.
"Oh, yeah, we just need to go through to the back..."
Mario blinked but followed along anyways, until they found a man next to a wall, head snoozing against his chest. A nametag identified him as Mr. Spoon.
"Spoon!" Rusl raised his voice.
"What? Oh, Rusl, it's you."
"Want to open up the door for us? We have business in the offices today."
Mr. Spoon examined them closely. "Alright... give me the password, and I'll let you through."
Rusl sighed, before reciting a strange poem- "Through three cheese trees three free fleas flew. While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew. Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze. Freezy trees made these trees' cheese freeze. That's what made these three free fleas sneeze."*
"Alright, head on in," Mr. Spoon nodded, smacking a certain spot on the wall, opening up a secret passageway for them to walk through. "And take this," he added to Mario, producing a badge for him. Mario glanced down at it. Mario Mario- Trial.
"How did you know who I was?" he asked.
"Everyone and their dog does," Mr. Spoon shrugged.
Mario shook his head and followed Rusl into the passage.
It was only a short walk, up a slight incline, and through an open door before they found themselves in yet another place prompting Mario's jaw to drop.
Where they'd managed to hide this place, Mario couldn't fathom- they were standing in a hall greater even than anything he'd seen at the Smash Mansion- everything was made of sleek, polished wood. Much like the Smash Mansion, light seemed to be coming from everywhere and nowhere, all at once. There were alcoves set up along the walls, inside of which were large, orange metal pipes, continually spouting smasher after smasher into their workplace. At the far end was a grand circle, surrounded by what Mario could only guess were elevators, in the center of which was a gigantic fountain, the highlight of which seemed to be the statue erected in the middle. It depicted two smashers, one male, one female, surrounded by a yoshi, a goomba, and a creature of stone he recognized as a goron. The man had long hair covering up one of his eyes, dressed in dark robes, gazing around the hall with his uncovered eye. The woman, meanwhile- or a girl, Mario realized- she couldn't be older than thirteen- had long, green hair that came down to the ground behind her, a small pair of wings protruding from her head, a pair of green eyes, and a bright, cheery smile.
Glancing into the water as they passed, Mario saw what he'd expected- at the bottom of the pool were glistening piles of coins, red, blue, and gold, alongside the perfectly symmetrical gems known as rupees. Glancing up, he saw a passing smasher- a large, scruffy-looking man wearing stereotypical detective's clothes, from the trench coat to the bandages on his face- reach into his pocket and toss a couple blue coins in. Glancing at a sign on the side, he read,
Any money found in the fountain at the end of the day will be sent to Umbrella Hospital.
Please help them- we know they've got a bad rep, but at the end of the day, they've taken the Hippocratic Oath just like any other hospital.
Alright, Wave Existence, I'll make you a deal, Mario thought desperately in his head. Get me off at the trial today, and I'll throw in forty gold coins. Come on, forty gold coins! That's as many as four tens! And that's wonderful... right?
"Over here, Mario!" Rusl raised his voice, attracting him over to where a man was sitting behind a desk, flicking through a copy of the Fourside Tribune.
Lowering his paper, the man asked, "What can I do for you?"
Mario blinked. "Aren't you the guy who opened up the visitors' entrance for us?"
"What are you talking about?" the man asked. "I have nothing to do with that Spoon guy- I'm Mr. Fork, proud member of the government's security force!"
Mario shook his head- he could say what he wanted, but the two men looked identical to him.
"Anyways," Mr. Fork muttered agitatedly, "produce your power controller, if you please."
Mario pulled his hat out of his pocket and placed it on a desk. Mr. Fork produced a scanner, ran it up and down the cap, then examined what seemed to be the results. "Hmm... red cap, used primarily for pyromancy over the past four years, given the power of a Ho-oh... to your knowledge, all that is correct?"
"Yup," Mario nodded.
"Alright... well, take it back and move along, then," Mr. Fork returned to his paper. Mario shrugged as he returned his beloved headgear to his pocket and followed Rusl to one of the elevators. It opened up, and Rusl ushered Mario in- along with quite a few other people. Good thing smasher elevators were bigger on the inside- Mario would hate to think how squashed they'd all be otherwise.
Rusl greeted several people as the elevator began moving. Seeing one man with a box, he spoke up- "Hey, Bronson, whatcha got there?"
"Another chimaera," the man, well-muscled with black hair, sighed. "Just when we think we've documented all these things, this one shows up- and it's a nasty one. A firefly."
"Aren't fireflies a natural animal?" Rusl raised his eyebrows.
No sooner were the words out of his mouth than there was a high screeching noise, and a burst of fire came out of a hole in the box, nearly singing Mario as he ducked for safety, reaching up to grab his hat as it lingered in the air, cartoon-style.
"Just take my word for it," Bronson mumbled.
The elevator had been going up for a while before it stopped, a mysterious voice speaking the words, "Floor 46: Sports department, including offices for all Smash-Up teams in our country of- (the words fizzled out, only to be restored a moment later,) - applications for live chess and Monopoly matches, and the duel monsters administration office."
Mario blinked as the doors opened and several people stepped out- only to be replaced by even more.
The elevator began to descend- after a minute or so, it stopped. The voice declared, "Floor 35- Department of Transportation, including overseers of the Warp Zone Network, kart and whir-gate legislation, and test center for teleportation."
More smashers stepped out, but as with HYDRA, for every head that was cut off, two more took their place. More elevator movement, this time in an upwards direction.
"Floor 38: Department of International Relations- Embassies for other countries and other planets can be found on this floor, as well as the office of ambassadors of our own."
You know the drill by now- some people left, many more boarded. Further movement of the elevator. "Floor 30: Department of Nature and Wildlife, including divisions for pokemon, wildlife from Bionis, Mechonis, and other outer planets, and the goomba embassy."
Away went some, back came many more. Down they went. "Floor 25: Governmental response team, including for natural disasters, violence against women, and violence against m...uggles."
Mario breathed a sigh of relief- the only smashers left once everyone on this floor had done their business (not like that, you sicko,) were him, Rusl, and- to his surprise- Gordon Freeman. As the elevator began descending again, Rusl and Gordon struck up a conversation. "So, Rusl, how have things been going as of late?"
"Ah, you know, nothing special," Rusl shrugged.
Mario opened his mouth, only for Gordon to silence him with a rather frightening flash of his glasses- though his expression itself remained unchanged. Speaking under his breath, he muttered, "There are ears everywhere..."
Speaking up a little louder, he said, "We need more information on that rapscallion, Roy Alluvia. He's committed a crime even more serious than what we thought."
"What's that?" Rusl asked.
"Plagiarism. He could have had any vehicle in the first chapter of this series, but he chose to have a flying motorcycle, just like in the source material. If we can get this through your department, we'll be able to come down hard on him."
"Assuming, of course, that you find him first," Rusl noted.
"True, true," Gordon nodded. "At any rate, I'll need these papers filled out and returned to me ASAP, alright?" He produced a pile of papers that was conspicuously too large to be just the papers Gordon was referring to. Rusl rummaged through them to find a copy of a magazine apparently known asthe Alcamoth Times.
"Methinks Strider will find something in there to interest him," Gordon whispered, a small smile on his face.
Rusl shrugged and spoke up. "I'll see what I can do, but I'm afraid we have some things on our plate at the moment a tad more serious than copyright claims."
At that moment, the elevator came to a halt once more. "Floor 13: Law Enforcement. Here will you find the headquarters of the Hunters' Division, the offices of the High Court, and courtrooms for minor smashing mishaps."
Rusl, Mario, and Gordon all left the elevator behind, striding down a hall until Gordon took a different path from them. "Well, this is where I leave you," he said, turning to follow a sign that read Hunters' Division. "Good luck," he added quietly to Mario, giving a wink hidden from the camera by his glasses. Mario made an indistinct sound in the back of his throat.
Rusl turned and guided Mario in the opposite direction, up to a door that was labeled, Department of Muggle Items Misusage.
"That's a stupid name," Mario couldn't help but comment.
"Yeah," Rusl admitted. "We've been lobbying for a new one for years, but it's not that important an issue compared to funding being directed elsewhere, so we always find ourselves at the end of that line..."
Mario was taken aback- Rusl's office seemed less like an office and more like a closet someone had stuck a desk in. Clearly, whoever had made this decision didn't have the best outlook on those choosing this profession. "Could they have made it a little more cramped? I can still blink."
"We actually had a bigger office a while back," Rusl recalled. "Not super-large, we were still lobbying for a bigger one, and old Olimar almost seemed keen to follow through on it... but then Andrew Ryan took the helm, and he actually made it even smaller..."
Rusl struggled to get behind his desk and sit down. Mario took a nearby guest chair and opened up his 3DS, only pausing to listen as Rusl chuckled, "Oh, yeah, Strider'll get a kick out of that one, alright."
However, before Mario could start up a single battle, he and Rusl were distracted by the thud of sprinting footsteps outside the door. They looked up in surprise as it crashed open, revealing a well-muscled man in knight-style armor, including a helmet hiding his hair.
"Ah, Eagus!" Rusl greeted him. "Mario, this is Eagus, my-"
"No time for that, Rusl!" Eagus interrupted, speaking through his own panting. "I've been looking for you everywhere- I sent an albatross, but I thought I should hunt you down, just to be sure-"
"Calm down, breath, and tell me what's going on," Rusl spoke gently.
"Oh, of course," Eagus took a deep breath, let it out, and began speaking in a much calmer voice. "Okay... here's what I just found out. They changed the time and place of Mario Mario's trial- it's starting at eight, now, and it's going on down in old courtroom 3."
"Co... courtroom 3?" Rusl asked blankly. "Eight o'clock?"
Moving jerkily, he looked down at his watch, before letting out a bloodcurdling screech. "Run, Mario, run! Eight o'clock was five minutes ago!"
Mario leapt to his feet and followed Rusl as he sprinted down the hall towards the elevator, his 3DS left behind on the desk.
"Why... why would they do that?" Mario gasped as they rushed down towards a- thankfully empty- elevator. "Change the time?"
"Only the Wave Existence knows at this point," Rusl shook his head. "It's just good we got here early- who knows what they'd have done if..."
Mario didn't need him to finish his sentence. They entered the elevator, which, thank the Wave Existence, was still empty, and Rusl began slamming on the button on the very bottom. Someone else attempted to enter, but Rusl's head suddenly took on the form of a dragon, belching flame as he roared, "FIND ANOTHER ELEVATOR!" scaring them off as he continued slamming against that little round button.
Finally, the doors closed and the elevator began its descent, Rusl jumping up and down as if it would make it go down faster.
Finally, the elevator opened, the voice identifying their floor simply as, "SCP Foundation." Mario was on the verge of wondering where those elaborate explanations had gone when Rusl grabbed his arm and dragged him forward past a man in a suit, with grey-to-white hair, wearing a large pair of square spectacles. The only words Rusl had for him were, "Hi, Turner, bye, Turner!" before he was dragging Mario down a dark set of stairs.
"Why not take the elevator directly there?" Mario wondered.
"They don't even go down this far!" Rusl explained quickly. "No time, no time, we've got, got, got, got no time!"
As they continued tearing down the halls, he seemingly couldn't help himself- "We're late, we're late, for a very important date! No time to say hello, goodbye! We're late, we're late, we're late!"
"Ah, Mr. Faron," spoke a nearby peacock of a man, stepping right into their way. Mario didn't even have the time to identify who it was before Rusl had plowed right through him.
"No, no, no, no, no, we're overdue! We're very in a stew! No time to say goodbye, hello, we're late, we're late, we're late!"
Numbers were flashing by on the doors now- Nine... six... four...
"Three!" Rusl gasped, finally releasing Mario for a fit of wild cackling. "Three, three, courtroom three! We made it! Hahahaha!"
"Are you okay?"
"I'll be fine, my boy, I'll be fine... just head on in..."
"Aren't you going to-"
"No, no, I have no place in there... I'll just be catching my breath out here... may Faron smile upon you..."
Let's just say that the long sprint here wasn't the only reason Mario's heart was racing as he opened up the door and stepped inside.
XXXX
*If anyone can actually say this one out loud... power to you. Great power to you- I specifically chose this one because it's the part of Fox in Socks I could never say. Ever.
Kind of a short chapter today- I'll get right on the next one, but it still might take a bit. Before we end off, we've got some questions from Feline Within!
Q: Kurain Village is from Ace Attorney, right? A: Yup, sure is!
Q: Aren't you thinking of Boshi? A: Actually, no I'm not- I'm kind of playing havoc with fandoms again. Bana isn't from the Mario universe, he's actually a character from Xenoblade- and, as such, wasn't actually a yoshi. In fact, he was a nopon who held great significance during a certain sidequest chain. Yeah, again, playing some havoc with canon, but I hope you guys can accept it nonetheless.
Alright, that's all for now! The next chapter could be up anywhere from tomorrow to Saturday, though sooner would be preferable to later- one of my favorite parts coming up! Also, I guess this is the last chapter of me holding Umbridge's identity over anyone... *sigh*... I guess nothing can last forever... anyways, forget that, see you guys later, please R&R, constructive criticism embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!