Gamer4 in. Heeeeeeyyyyyyy, guys, how's it going? I... something tells me I might be a tad late with the chapter this time around... heh heh... heh heh... but that's what you guys like, right? The grand tradition of leaving these stories unupdated for months at a time?... Yeah, didn't think so. Sorry, but I've been busy- first, my television started prophesizing people's deaths at midnight on rainy days, then me and my favorite professor found this girl frozen in ice, then there was that incident with the night howlers, and don't even get me started on those winnicott aliens that started invading- flipping combine, acting like they own the freaking place... Either way, though, I'm back now! Let's see if we can finish this chapter in an any way timely manner.

Disclaimer: But February made me shiver with every paper I delivered. Bad news on the doorstep... I couldn't take one more step... I can't remember if I cried when I read about that widowed bride... but something touched me deep inside the day the music died.

Chapter XII

(Protection from) Protection from the Evils

The next day, Mario awoke to find that the Nintendo hub's resident chimpanzee had already left the room. Looking over at Ness, said chimp's closest friend, who was currently rubbing sleep out of his eyes and beginning to adjust his usual bed-head, he wondered out loud, "Diddy isn't one of those people who thinks that insanity is somehow contagious, does he?"

"Don't worry about it, Mario," Ness spoke reassuringly. "He's upset, but he'll get over it eventually."

Only a very small amount of comfort, but Mario knew Ness meant well. A moment later, Ness's polo was on, along with his namesake jeans and baseball cap, and down the stairs he went, leaving Mario with Luigi and Link.

XXXX

Zelda, as ever, was quick to catch on when she met up with Mario and Link at the breakfast table. "What's wrong?" she asked. "You seem pretty down in the dumps."

Mario didn't care to repeat the experience, but Link spoke for him- "It's Diddy. He and Mario had a fight last night over- well, you can guess."

Zelda sighed, rubbing her eyes fiercely. "Yeah, something similar happened with Ilia. She's trying to get the gossip mill started talking about how Mario's a big fat liar- she's started photoshopping pictures of him with blue skin."

"What did you say?" Mario asked quickly.

"I burnt the pictures she had and said she'd better have some good evidence that you're lying before she goes around putting them up," Zelda recalled. "Don't worry, Mario- we're on your side." She shook her head. "Even so, though..."

"Even so?" Link prompted from where he was drowning his pancakes with syrup.

"It kind of upsets me. Remember what the Hand said at the end of last year?"

"I remember the gist of it, if not the exact wording," Mario agreed. "Something about how we need to stick together?"

"'Considering Tabuu once more walks among us,'" Zelda recited, "'these bonds will be more important in the coming months than ever before. Difficult and dangerous times are ahead, make no mistake. We must remember now that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts- never has it been more apparent to me. True, we all come from different places, in many different forms, speaking different tongues, but in the end, our hearts beat as one.'"

"Did you record that speech and recite it to yourself every day this summer?" Link asked incredulously.

"No, I couldn't have," Zelda shook her head. "Technology doesn't work here, remember?"

"Unless Gamer4 can get a joke out of it, of course," Mario shook his head. "Even so, I doubt there's anyone else in the mansion who could remember the Hand's speech down to the word."

"That's not the point!" Zelda shook her head. "The point is, this is what he was talking about! The Great Darkness's greatest boon in this war will be the good guys being too busy squabbling amongst themselves to even consider fighting him! If just the guy's presence is causing this rift between us, we're screwed. The FLUDD said the same thing last night- we need to stand together, unite against the real enemy here-"

"A good sentiment," Link acknowledged, "with one flaw- that kind of means we'd have to stand with Sierra."

"You get along well enough with Lucina!" Zelda pointed out in agitation.

"Yeah, well, Lucina's different," Link shrugged, reaching behind him to fist-bump said blue-haired swordswoman as she passed. "I guess you could say she's an honorary Nintendo."

"I don't believe this," Zelda muttered, rubbing her eyes again.

"Okay, if you want me to put it a different way, it's not all Sierrans I'm against- just the born-and-bred winnicotts like Bowser," Link amended his statement.

"Thanks, Link," Zelda smiled at him. "Maybe I had you-"

"Which just happens to constitute a majority of their population."

Zelda sighed. "Forget what I was just about to say."

Mario, meanwhile, frowned as he gazed up at Kjelle at the staff table. "And still no word on when Crazy will be back..."

"I'm guessing the Master Hand didn't want to draw attention to Crazy not being here," Zelda guessed.

"The same way one draws attention to an elephant not being in a room?" Link commented skeptically.

Any ensuing argument was interrupted as a tall girl with short, messy pink hair, dressed in a blue jacket appeared directly in front of Mario. "Morning, Mario."

"Kumatora," Mario greeted the girl with a nod. "What's going on?"

"Ah, nothing special," Kumatora shrugged. "Spent summer bouncing around the countryside, saw some people, did some things, got promoted to Nintendo's Smash-Up captain."

Mario blinked. "Oh, really? Answering to you, now, am I?" He smiled. "Should have seen that coming- I mean, you were basically Captain Falcon's first mate to begin with."

"Yeah, sad to see him go- him and Ana," Kumatora nodded. "But with two members missing, I'm thinking it's time to overhaul this team- full new try-outs for every position. Which, of course, means that you're gonna have to earn that seat of yours this year!"

"Huh," Mario blinked again. "Not too worried about saying goodbye to everyone?"

"I can't let my friendship with all of you get in the way of what's best for the team," Kumatora shrugged. "But don't worry- I'm certain you've got it in the bag. Either way, be at the stadium this Friday- seventeen hundred hours."

"You mean five o'clock?"

"I know what I said," Kumatora knitted her brow. "I'm pretty sure we'll get you, the puffballs, and Paula back, but we'll see how our new offensive and defensive members go, huh? Be there or be square."

"I definitely don't want to be square," Mario mused. Kumatora gave a satisfied nod, and was off.

One loud whooshing sound later, and the albatrosses had arrived, bombarding the students of the Smash Mansion with their daily mail. Mario was unsurprised that there was nothing for him- what news could Roy have for him after the short time they'd been apart? He was, however, surprised to see one of the great birds soaring over Zelda and dropping that morning's issue of the Fourside Tribune on her. Still slightly sore about Diddy, he couldn't help but call her out on it. "What's with the paper? It's a load of bull."

"Sure is, it's dripping out the sides," Zelda agreed, crinkling her nose as she unrolled it. "But it's bull with some important information buried in it- information about what the government is doing. Know thy enemy as you know thyself." She rapidly Sherlock-Scanned the paper, before crumpling it up and tossing it into the garbage behind her. "Nothing important about anything. Why am I not surprised?"

"Because it's been a good twenty or thirty years since the Tribune reported on anything worthwhile?" came the voice of Samus Aran, carrying a stack of papers in her hand. "Just a guess. Anyways, here's your schedules for the year- learn them well." She presented all three of them with said schedules, then, not one to waste time, continued off down the line.

Immediately upon examining his schedule, Link groaned. "Well, this schedule is just fan-tegging-smastic. History of Smashing, double Power-Ups, Psychic Powers, and double Protection from the Evils! Andonuts, Wolf, Lucario, and that Fassad winnicott- oh, my!"

"Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear," came a pair of mischievous voices from behind them. "Doth our ears deceive us? Doth our ears hear the esteemed prefects dissing the staff of the Smash Mansion?"

"If you count them as staff," Link grumbled, turning to face his puffball brothers. "Ease off me, guys, I'm in a bad mood right now. This has to be the worst schedule in the history of the Smash Mansion."

"It's certainly not what I'd have chosen," Kirby nodded, taking the paper and looking it over. "But, as a prefect, you are supposed to lead by example. I suppose you'll just have to buck up and deal."

"On the subject of deals," Zelda spoke up, "what's with you advertising for testers for your products on the notice boards?"

"When did this happen?" Mario asked, eyebrows rising.

"A few pages earlier, Gamer4 glossed over it."

Mario rubbed his eyes. "You know, I'm getting tired of this. For crying out loud, wouldn't it be easier for that idiot to just go back and add the scene instead of doing this fourth-wall breaking crap?"

"Doesn't matter," Zelda rerouted the conversation. "You. Marshmallows. Explain. Now."

"It's called capitalism, sweetheart," Meta smirked. "Surely you wouldn't impede the natural flow of commerce."

"I'm not talking about your products," Zelda pointed out. "That's a can of worms for a whole other day. No, I'm talking about telling impressionable first years that the easiest way to make a quick rupee around here is to be the fall people for whatever stupid stunts you have in mind."

"Did we ever specify first years?" Kirby pointed out, bringing out the twins' patented 'innocence halos' from his duffel bag. "As I recall, the posters said anybody was eligible."

"Besides, it's all for a good cause," Meta put in. "Trust us, you'll be all over this brand of power-ups we've got cooking. Those sick ones?"

"Very sick," Kirby agreed.

"'Sick' as in 'cool,' or 'sick' as in actually sick?" Mario queried, hand rising to his chin.

"Yes," the twins answered as one. "Remember? We told you- you get sick, walk out of class, and enjoy the rest of the day!"

"Something tells me even Zelda will be begging us for one of those babies, come test time," Kirby smirked.

Zelda was about to give an indignant response, but Link interrupted, looking reflective. "I doubt it, guys. Remember three years ago? The Hand cancelled the exams, and Zelda was freaking out about it?"

"True," Meta acknowledged, "but this year's a whole different ball game."

"What makes this year different from then?" Zelda asked.

"You're taking your A.L.B.A.T.R.O.S.S. tests at the end of it," Kirby smirked. "And that means the teachers won't allow for any breather room- it'll be studying all day, studying all night, falling over yourselves to get all the freaking out right."

"You guys stayed pretty lucid during your tests," Zelda pointed out.

"Yeah, but look who you're talking to," Link pointed out. "As I recall, they only passed three tests each- and even then, just barely."

"We were caught up in independent study," the puffballs shrugged. "Some of the most innovative people in the world had terrible educations- haven't you ever heard of Albert Einstein?"

"I'm pretty sure that's just an urban legend," Zelda noted skeptically.

"Even so, the point is, we're already all set to go with our jokeshop idea," Kirby spoke up. "The only reason we even bothered coming this year is because we didn't think a dropout would go over well with Mom- especially with what that prick of a robot did over the summer."

"But even so, it's a nice chance to do some last-minute field research," Meta added. "One of those classes we passed was economics- can't run a joke shop without understanding basic supply and demand, after all. See a need, fill a need!"

A bell rang overhead. "Ah, crud," Kirby muttered. "We were gonna get to Nature Study early and see if we could snatch a boku baba or two..."

As the puffballs ran off, Mario turned to see Link biting his lip nervously. "I'm guessing they're right, you know," the swordsman fretted. "The A.L.B.A.T.R.O.S.S. tests are supposed to be super brutal- the months leading up to them, even more so. We're talking exams that can affect jobs that will even look at our resumes. According to Midna, later on this year, we're going to have to meet up with the head of our groups to get some advice on that..."

"Well, no point worrying about it now," Zelda shrugged, standing up. "Come on- we don't want to be late for History of Smashing."

"Says you," Link muttered under his breath as he and Mario rose and followed her out of the Dining Hall.

XXXX

So, what was so bad about History of Smashing? I mean, we've been playing it up for... almost three sentences, now. Well, it could be an interesting class, in theory, except for... the teacher. The teacher had all the makings of a good history professor- he was a ghost that had actually experienced a great deal of it, and was rumored to have led the most exciting life outside of a major Hollywood blockbuster... but no. His potential went entirely to waste- all he ever did was read dully out of the textbook while somehow expecting his students to follow along. Mario was legitimately certain that he'd learned more about the inner workings of balsa wood than he had about actual smashing history from this class.

It was a great relief to finally turn their backs on that classroom and head out onto the lawn for the morning break. Mario took out his 3DS, recovered from Rusl's office by the man himself, and was on the verge of getting back to a particularly difficult puzzle- it had already cost him several picarats- when a shadow passed over the trio. He looked up to see Pauline Dama lurking over them. "Hey, Mario," she smiled gently.

Mario leapt to his feet with undue speed. "Oh, hey, Pauline! How's it going?"

Immediately, he began mentally berating himself- where was his straight-man pride? Pauline, however, gave a light laugh. "Pretty well," she shrugged. "Luigi and the Cuckoo not around, then?"

"The Cuckoo?" Mario raised a single eyebrow.

"You know, the Birdgirl?"

"Oh, Melia?" Mario realized. "Nah, I don't usually hang around her. So... how was your summer?"

No sooner were the words out of his mouth than he was mentally raising his hands in an effort to snatch them out of the air and bring them back in- while he was almost certain he'd had the worse summer of the two, hers couldn't have been much better- she had, after all, been in a relationship with Donkey Kong prior to the ape's death. Indeed, Pauline faltered for a moment, but quickly put on a veneer of serenity.* "Well, as well as it could have been... you know..."

"What... the flipping... smeg," came another voice, causing Mario to turn and wonder who that weird guy in a green tunic was. "Tell me my eyes are lying- you are not wearing a Xenos badge!"

Mario blinked, then locked his eyes onto a spot just over Pauline's chest, where, sure enough, was a button marked with the symbol of the Xenos- the Smash-Up team from the planet Mira.

"Well, yeah, they are my Smash-Up team," Pauline nodded, a note of frost entering her voice.

"And have you followed them all along, or just since Xenoblade X made their series mainstream?" Link asked much more coldly, donning his hipster glasses as he spoke.

"Actually, I've supported the Xeno series starting with Xenosaga Episode I," Pauline retorted, continuing the arms race for the coldest voice.

"Oh, so you couldn't make your way through the graphics of Gears, huh?" Link asked, turning it down to absolute zero.

Pauline shook her head. "I don't have to take this from you." She turned and left.

Zelda opened her mouth to reprimand Link, only to be interrupted as Link leapt in the air- probably something to do with the fireball just applied to his rear end. "What the smeg, man, what the smeg?!" Mario glared at him.

"What'd I do?" Link asked, rubbing his 'down under' reproachfully.

"I don't care when she started following the Xeno series!"

"But you know that most people just jumped on the bandwagon when Xenoblade got popular!"

"So freaking what? It's a good gateway game! Even Gamer4 was introduced to the series through 'Blade, and it's replaced his flipping Bible!"

"And that guy's not a winnicott?" Link objected.

"And what was your first Xeno game?"

Link froze. "Well... Xenosaga Episode III..."

"The prosecution rests, your honor!" Mario heaved.

"We find the defendant, Link T. Faron... Guilty," Zelda nodded.

Still breathing somewhat heavily, Mario sighed. "Still, no time to be getting worked up now... I mean, we're just about to head off to Power-Ups. I'm sure Wolf will do enough working up for the rest of the school year..."

XXXX

"Silence..." whispered Wolf O'Donnell into the already-dead-silent classroom. Mario sighed- inwardly. Wolf acted like anyone had any designs on disrupting his class to begin with. Like none of them remembered the last time that had happened...

"Now..." Wolf continued in a whisper. "Before we begin, the Master Hand has instructed me to remind you all that this is your fifth year, and as such, at the end of it, you will all be sitting through the A.L.B.A.T.R.O.S.S.S exams- the Assessment for the-"

Before he'd concluded, he spun around and fired his blaster, missing Saria Kokiri by an inch. "So sorry," he growled. "I was aiming for that phone you were texting with. Best put it away before my aim improves."

Saria turned violently red as she stowed her cellular device away. Wolf cleared his throat. "Now, as I was saying, these tests are crucial to your future- and the way you score will reflect on me as a teacher. That said, while I lose more and more hope for this particular class each year, I still expect you to get, at the very least, a silver mark on your tests- any less, and there will... be... consequences..."

A chill ran over the class. It was a wonder how Wolf could make something sound like a threat without actually utilizing a threatening tone.

"But even a silver rank will not be sufficient if you wish to continue your study of Power-Ups," Wolf continued. "I only accept the best of the best into my sixth year classes- nothing less than a Pure Platinum rank will do.

"So, today, we will be practicing with one of the most basic power-ups that generally appears on the A.L.B.A.T.R.O.S.S. curriculum- the Night Howler. Prepared properly, it is a power-up on the level of the berserkers of old, granting great strength, agility, and speed- at the cost of sending the user into a great rage. Applying it too generously, however, may lead to the victim being plunged into a state of fury and delirium such that they destroy everything in their path without question until sedated and given proper medical treatment."

"But sir," Ness raised his hand. "Isn't that from a movie, not a video-"

Another beam from Wolf's blaster- narrowly missing Ness's hand. "I must be hearing things," Wolf mused. "For a moment, it sounded as though one of my students was questioning what I choose to teach in my own class. I must be going insane, right, Mr. Levi?"

"Yes, sir, completely bonkers, sir," Ness quailed.

"Perhaps I should stop by Nurse Tessie's after class today," Wolf mused. "Either way, the instructions are already on the whiteboard- follow closely, and you have no excuse for failure. For this one year, I grant you free access to my ingredient stores- some of these power-ups require odds and ends not readily available at your average supermarket. You have the remainder of the class to prepare the best Night Howler you can. Begin."

Now, we know all you readers love hearing the meticulous details of how, exactly, to prepare Night Howler power-ups, but we're just gonna skip ahead an hour and a half to the end of that class when...

XXXX

"Mario."

"Yes, sir?"

"Mario M. Mario."

"Yes... sir?"

"What... is this?"

"This... is a Night Howler, sir."

The edges of Wolf's lips curled downwards. "Mario... you did pass Kindergarten, did you not? You are capable of reading, at the very least, the average Dr. Seuss book, yes?"

"Fox in Socks is my favorite."

"Then why, Mario, did you fail to read the sixth line of the instructions?"

Mario glanced at the board, squinting as hard as he could. "You mean where it says to add a trace of red essence?"

"Exactly."

"Honestly, that part seemed a little smudgy earlier."

Wolf sighed. "You are here to learn the art of creating power-ups, correct?"

"Yes, sir."

"You are aware that the slightest miscalculation when handling other ingredients could lead to much, much worse consequences than an uncontrollable rage, are you not?"

"I have an inkling..."

"Mario, if you wish to survive this year, an inkling will not do," Wolf snarled. "There is no middle ground here- either you get everything perfect, or you produce a jar of, in essence, vortigaunt feces. Now, would you kindly relocate this miserable experiment to the trash bin, where it belongs?"

Mario was silently fuming, doing his best to avoid looking at Bowser's chuckles as he did as he was told. Wolf turned to the rest of the class. "As for the rest of you, place a portion of your power-up in a bottle, label it with your name, and leave it at my desk. Next week, we will determine just how much hope may be held that this class ever excels past the fifth year."

XXXX

"That smegging winnicott," Link muttered consolingly as the trio made their way to lunch. "I saw Wario just over the way- that tub of lard had to gouge his power-up out of his beaker. At least yours was the right state of matter."

"I was honestly hoping he'd be a bit better this year," Zelda noted mournfully.

"And what in Paradiso, Inferno, or anything in between put you under that delusion?" Link stared at her.

"Well, he is in Philanthropy now..."

"Yeah, well, classifying a redead as 'properly alive' doesn't change that it's a flipping zombie," Link countered. "Besides, I'm still not entirely on board with the idea that Wolf just reformed like that."

"Not this again," Zelda sighed. "The Master Hand trusts him- that should be good enough for the rest of us."

"And where's this evidence that shows how saintlike Wolf's become since he left the Great Darkness?" Link retorted.

"Just because the Master Hand hasn't shown it to you personally, Link, doesn't mean-" Zelda began, only to be cut off by Mario.

"Stop... stop... stop," he grumbled. "If you two have another one of your feuds this year, I really don't know if I can take it."

Sighing at Link and Zelda's looks of surprise, he stood. "You know, I'm not really hungry right now- meet you at Lucario's, Link."

And so it came to be that he took the first long march up the halls of the Smash Mansion to the attic by himself. To an extent, he felt a little guilty for that one- but come on! It was a bad school day to begin with, on top of everything that was happening as a result of Tabuu's return, from his PTSD to being shunned by a not-too-insignificant portion of the student body, the last thing he needed was for Link and Zelda to go at each other's throats again. Recalling the ordeal of two years prior, he sincerely felt that if a similar feud were to occur now, it may just finish him off.

"Come and get me, bro! Whatsamatta?! Chicken? Come on, I'll fight you with one hand behind my back! I'll fight you standing on one foot! I'll fight you with my eyes closed! AAAAHHHHH! DARKNESS! YOU FIEND, TRYING TO TRICK-"

Mario closed his eyes, and turned to see Toon Link, Link's smaller, animated, much more agitating counterpart that lurked within the school's paintings, brandishing his sword like a maniac.

"Not in the mood, Toon," he muttered, turning and continuing on.

"Ah, yeah, sure, never ready for a fight you know you're gonna lose, huh?!" the cartoon continued to rave as Mario left him behind.

Half an hour later, the rest of the class had congregated and climbed up into the mansion's attic for the first Psychic Powers class of the year.

Mario had just taken his seat when a bump sounded next to him, signaling Link's arrival as well. "Well... Zelda and I called the argument off."

"Glad to hear it," Mario mumbled.

"Zelda, however, told me to tell you that she wants you to stop taking everything out on us."

"Link," Mario sighed, rubbing his eyes vigorously, "don't even start- I can't handle a repeat of the Oreo incident."

"I see where you're coming from," Link shrugged. "But still- it's not our fault Diddy was taking assbutt pills, while Wolf was born and raised on the things."

Mario couldn't help but give a slight smile at that last- a smile that promptly vanished as Lucario entered the room. Good afternoon, my fine prodigies, the aura pokemon thought out loud- literally. I had a strong hunch that you would all return here safely- I am glad to see that the outer powers have yet to betray me. Excellent... excellent.

I have taken the liberty of procuring your required reading for you this year- 'What Dreams May Come,' by Igor Samten. It is well known to many, even outside the realms of psychic powers, that dreams play a large part in the access of the innermost mind... The popularity of such thoughts has led to it being a large portion of the upcoming A.L.B.A.T.R.O.S.S. tests. In all honesty, I find this all very foolish- in psychic powers, one either has the gift, or does not. If one does not have the gift, all the certificates and awards in the world will do nothing to change it. Nevertheless, the tests are something you must take...

We'll start off this year with an easy task- read the fourth chapter, in which Mr. Samten discusses the basics of interpreting one's dreams, and apply the information therein to your partner's most recent dreams. You may begin...

What, exactly, Lucario expected of them was a mystery- as it turned out, chapter four was a whopper, spanning almost enough pages for a small novella in and of itself. Even speed-reading to his maximum ability, losing entire paragraphs at a time in the process, Mario was still unable to finish until only a few minutes before the bell- by which time Ness and Luigi, having ignored the book altogether, were debating about a recent dream of Luigi's in which a lightning bolt had nestled comfortingly around a large bird.

Link sighed. "All my dreams are the obvious ones- teeth falling out, coming to school naked, wrestling you naked in a giant jar of whipped cream... all the normal stuff, you know? Joking about that last one," he added in response to Mario's raised eyebrows. Smirking, he added, "Or am I?"

"Whatever," Mario muttered. "Well, all my dreams are pretty average, too..." A bullcrud lie, but he hardly needed any textbook to tell him what his nightly visions of apes being slaughtered in graveyards meant. "Time to BS it?"

"Time to BS it," Link nodded. "Something average, try to keep that psycho from reading something terrible into it... hmm... okay, I was playing the defense on the Smash-Up team the other night."

"Probably means you're going to get hit by a car," Mario muttered. "Not on the road or anything, either, it'll be while you're all the way up here- it'll be some serious Final Destination crud."

"Well, at least I won't be missing anything major," Link shrugged.

Experts though they were at BS-ing things for Lucario's class, it wasn't very exciting, particularly with the prospect of a particularly poor Protection from the Evils class later on.

Speaking of, by the time they arrived in said classroom, Zelda was already there, leaving Mario and Link to take their seats next to her. Up at the front was Fassad, giving that strange, nasally laugh of his as he munched on yet another banana, watching as the class filtered in. No one was making much noise- they were too busy trying to get the measure of this new teacher- what would he be like? Strict? Loose? Hands-on? Hands-off?

When the bell rang, Fassad stood- hardly making a difference, his legs were so stubby. First, he coughed, then performed an eight-note scale. "Nwe, nwe, nwe, nwe, nwe, nwe, nwe, nwe!" Then back down. "Nwe, nwe, nwe, nwe, nwe, nwe, nwe, nwe..."

A cough, a clearing of the throat, and he spoke. "Greetings to you all, my fine students! It makes me so happy to see the future of the smashing world before me! However, you may put your power controllers away at this time- you won't be needing them. All you need for today is your notebooks and a pen."

A groan went over the class- this guy was already ranking lower than their previous teachers, Simon and Fox. About the same as Dedede, and no one could be as bad as Tingle. While they were doing as they were bid, Fassad turned to the board and began to write on it with a banana-yellow marker.

Protection from the Evils

A Non-Problematic Approach

"Now," he spoke as he turned to see them finally ready. "Looking at my notes from Matthew, I can see that your education upon this topic has been somewhat... sporadic shall we say."

A rustle went through the classroom- it was the Master Hand, dangit, he'd earned that title!

"A different teacher every year, darting back and forth on what, exactly, they should be teaching, paying no heed to government advice or curricula... you may be thinking, should we not be receiving a better education than this? As students at the revered Super Smash Bros. School of Smashing, are we not entitled to something better? Something higher? Why, yes, children, yes you are! That's why the government, this year, has chosen something different- we have chosen to solve the problems plaguing this school!

"Beginning this year, and continuing into the foreseeable future, the Protection of the Evils class will be taught following a well-planned out, secure, non-problematic method. This in mind, I will ask you to write down the following, and remember it well!"

He waved his hand, and the ink left on the board expanded, contracted, moved, and morphed into a new list-

Goals:

1. Understanding the fundamental morality of using powers defensively vs. offensively.

2. Understanding when defending oneself is truly defending oneself, and when it is problematic.

3. Understanding the dangers of manspreading, micro-aggressions, mansplaining, etc...

There were more, but Mario barely processed even that far. Seriously, there were like, twenty goals written out up there, but as he jotted them down, it just kind of became a blur. Eventually, the sound of scratching pens came to a halt, and Fassad smiled. "Hmm... am I to take it that you have all completed our very first assignment?"

A sigh went around the room- he may as well start handing out little blue ribbons inscribed with the words, You Tried.

"Nwe... nwehehehehe..."

Mario blinked- what about this situation called for a 'nwehehe?'

Nevertheless, Fassad's crooked grin grew as he spoke. "Once more with feeling, class- when I ask a question, I expect a response along the lines of- 'Yes, Mr. Yokuba!' or 'No, Mr. Yokuba!' Understand? Good! Now, once more- have we all completed our very first assingment?"

"Yes, sir," the class spoke.

"Good enough... for now." And the crookedness just kept crookeding. That's a word now.

"In any case- I suppose you have all done as was requested and procured a copy of the wonderful Protection from the Evils, A Non-Problematic Approach by Ms. Anita Sarkeesian?"

"Yuppers, sir."

"Nwehehehehe! We must maintain a model of professionality at all times, class! Once more!"

"Ugh, fine... Yes, Mr. Yokuba."

"Again, good... for now. Nwehehehe. In that case, would you kindly begin your reading? Begin at the prologue and continue to the conclusion of the first chapter. Nwehehe...nwehehe...nwehehehehehehe!"

"That guy sure likes the sound of his own 'nwehes,' doesn't he?" Link smirked.

"Seems like it," Mario nodded. "Well, to get my attention, this 'Sarkeesian' woman better be the next J. K. Rowling."

She wasn't. Not Rowling, not Susan Collins, not Christopher Paolini, not even R. L. Stine. Mario legitimately hadn't read a more boring, monotonous tome since I Heard the Owl Call My Name- and it gave even that a run for its money. He would have critiqued the text itself, but honestly, it was dull to the point even Professor Andonuts would probably fall asleep trying to get through it- he spent ten minutes on one sentence before realizing he was just going in circles.

Desperate for something to take his mind off the sensory deprivation, Mario glanced to his side- and moved quickly to catch his jaw before it crashed into his desktop. Right next to him, Zelda Hyrule... wasn't reading. The book lay in front of her, not even opened. When? Seriously, when did Zelda motherflipping Hyrule refuse to read a book offered her? It didn't matter if she didn't like the contents, she'd force herself to the end anyways for one reason or another- and yet this book had yet to be touched! Was it just that bad? Unlikely- Mario suspected a deeper meaning behind it.

He wasn't the only surprised one, either- as time passed, more and more students were choosing to ignore the book to focus on the much more interesting sight of one of their fellow students raising their hand. Fassad had initially attempted to ignore her, but as time wore on, things just got so stupid that Fassad really didn't have any other choice. "Very well, you have earned my curiosity, Ms...Hilda, was it?"

"Hyrule, actually," Zelda corrected him.

"Ms. Hyrule, yes," Fassad spoke in a voice like silk- coated with rubber cement at the consistency of dried mucus. "I suppose you have a question about the text?"

"Not Ms. Sarkeesian's text, no," Zelda shook her head.

"In that case, may I ask that you hold any other questions until after the class?"

"It's not about Ms. Sarkeesian's text," Zelda elaborated. "It's about yours."

"Mine?" Fassad blinked. Mario gathered this was the first time today somebody had questioned him in this manner.

"Your goals," Zelda explained. "I was going through them, and I couldn't help but notice a discrepancy."

"And what might that be... my dear?" Fassad spoke, his voice achieving the tone of poisoned honey.

"Well, it just seems to me that they have very little to do with actually protecting us from the Evils." Zelda raised a hand to her chin as she continued to speak. "I mean, understanding the dangers of manspreading? Identifying signs of the patriarchy and how they negatively effect yada yada yada... honestly, this sounds more like a gender studies class. A bad gender studies class, no less."

"That is the curriculum the government has decided to utilize," Fassad smiled and gave a condescending nod. "If you have a problem with it..."

"Well, that's not it," Zelda shook her head. "There isn't anything up there about actually teaching us how to protect ourselves."

The rest of the students were already enthralled by the gender studies comment, but were even more stunned when they realized that Zelda was 100% on the money- of all the twenty-something goals Fassad had put up there, not one of them was about actual protection.

"And why, may I ask, would you ever need to protect yourself from the evils within the bounds of this classroom?" Fassad asked.

"Wait, wait, wait, wait," Link interrupted, rubbing his eyes. "Let me get this straight- this is a Protection from the Evils class... where we won't be learning to protect ourselves from the evils?"

Fassad turned to Link. "I don't believe you followed the proper etiquette, Mr. Faron- you see, it is generally accepted that students wishing to speak in class raise their hands."

Link immediately did so, snapping rapidly, a look of agitation on his face. Fassad turned his back again.

Zelda kept her hand in the air. "But sir, wouldn't all that knowledge about identification and politics and theory about when we can protect ourselves be kind of moot if we don't actually know how to-"

"Ah, I didn't realize you were a government-trained official, Ms. Hyrule."

"I- I'm not..."

"Oh, pardon me. For a moment, I thought you knew what you were talking about," Fassad smirked. "Nwe. Nwehehehe. This curriculum has been devised by well-trained professionals- you will learn the ins and outs of when it is proper to protect yourself, all in a secure, risk-free environment-"

Mario snapped- his straight-man side had been revving up this whole time, and now it burst. "Oh, and knowing that I'm morally in the right is going to be a whole lot of good when I'm cornered down some dark alley- yeah, they can do whatever they want to me, but the moral high ground will be mine!"

"What did I just tell Mr. Faron, Mr. Mario?" Fassad asked, still smiling, but with a sudden spark of fire in his eyes. Turning, Fassad spotted another student. "And you are?"

"Ness Levi, for all your Levi needs!" Ness grinned brightly, before adopting a more serious manner. "But Mario's right, innit he? I mean, say this crazy chick is coming at me down an alley, she wants something I'm not prepared to give, and I have no idea how to hold her off-"

"If you are implying what I think you are implying, Mr. Levi, you should know very well that men such as you and me cannot be taken advantage of in that fashion," Fassad smirked. "It is a simple fact of biology. I don't pretend to know what this school has been teaching you, but I have noticed a trend of dangerous smashers taking the helm of this class- and that's without addressing that wretched creature of two years ago-"

"Paws off the Fox!" Diddy Kong spoke up with a screech, looking even angrier than the previous night. "He was the best teacher we've ever-"

"Paw, Mr. Kong!" Fassad raised his voice. "As I was saying, you seem to be misinformed that danger lurks in every shadow-"

"Mostly by the people who devised this course," Zelda muttered.

"Allow me to finish, Ms. Hyrule!" Fassad raised his voice again. "If my information is correct, my predecessor, a paragon of toxic masculinity, sought to prove his dominance over you through use of the most wicked acts of all-"

"You do know that was actually a woman, right?" Ness piped up. "Just throwing that out there- and besides, she was a grade-A lunatic- even the government acknowledged that one. Then again, she still got plenty of info across to us-"

"Levi!" Fassad was up to a height of voice that bats were falling out of nearby trees. "Now... the government has decided that the knowledge discussed on the board would be more than sufficient to get you through your tests. That is what school is about, is it not?" Ignoring Mario and Zelda holding each other as they both frothed at the mouth, Fassad turned to Saria Kokiri, raising her own hand. "And you are?"

"Kokiri," Saria smiled, putting on a pair of sunglasses. "Saria Kokiri. That said... isn't there a part in the A.L.B.A.T.R.O.S.S. tests where we're required to show that we can actually protect ourselves?"

"The theory will be more than sufficient to-" Fassad began.

Mario broke again. "And theory will be a fat lot of good in the real world, right?!"

Fassad looked stunned- then broke out laughing. "Nwehehe- nwehehe- nwehehehehehehehe! You are highly amusing, Mr. Mario- I see why you landed the protagonist's spot! As I said, this is school, not the real world."

"But we're not going to be in this mansion forever," Mario countered. "Eventually, this house is gonna spit us all back out into the real world, where the danger is equally real."

"You seem so afraid, Mr. Mario," Fassad smirked. "For your sake, I hope it has a cause more tangible than you- a man- facing the danger Mr. Levi seems to fear?"

"Much more tangible," Mario growled. "How about the Great flipping Darkness, huh? How about Lord motherflipping Tabuu?!"

One could almost hear the mic being dropped- Link faceplanted, Ilia and Saria grabbed onto each other, Luigi fell backwards out of his chair, and even Zelda's jaw dropped. Fassad, however, closed his eyes. "Nwe...nwehehe... I hereby relieve Nintendo of ten points."

The silence that followed was absolutely bonechilling. Fassad cleared his voice again. "Nwe-hem. Nwehehehem. I knew I would have to deal with this sooner or later- I suppose it's just as well that it's sooner. It is time to discuss... this... rumor.

"I am very aware of this myth circulating around the smashing countryside- the myth that a certain dangerous smasher is at large once more. A smasher that has, in point of fact, been dead for fifteen years."

"Not quite," Mario snarled, rising to his feet. "Only mostly dead, as it happens- and as it also happens, he wasn't content to stay that way. Take it from me- I fought the winnicott, mano a mano, only a few months ago."

Fassad turned to stare him in the eye. "Detention, Mr. Mario. Tomorrow. Seventeen hundred hours. My office- my treat. You are all safe from this alleged 'Great Darkness.' If anyone attempts to tell you otherwise, please, come to me about it- you need not deal with this triggering foolishness. This mansion is a safe space for all. Now, please, return to Ms. Sarkeesian."

Mario knew he shouldn't, but he was past the mental point of no return. "So, what's your story, then, hm? Tell us the truth of how Donkey Kong really died."

A gasp rose up from the class- out of the corner of his eye, Mario saw Diddy's jaw on the ground, his eyes wide.

"Donkey Kong's death was a tragic accident, orchestrated by the lunatic, Franziska von Karma," Fassad spoke quasi-calmly.

"Because a whip makes such deep gashes in the chest, right?" Mario growled, angrier than he'd been in a long time. "Maybe you don't believe that Tabuu killed him, but you sure as smeg know it wasn't von Karma. If that's the delusion you have to embrace to convince yourself that you're secure in your little safe space... then Wave Existence help you once the killing starts."

An ice-cold silence fell over the room. Plenty of students had their hands to their mouths- never had such an ominous pronouncement been uttered in the confines of this room, by student or teacher. Finally, Fassad reached into his vest and produced a small, folded envelope. "Mr. Mario... I have an errand for you. This is a vital message for one Ms. Samus Aran- see that it gets to her, understand?"

Mario reached out, refusing to meet his friend's eyes in case there were traces of disapproval there. He accepted the envelope, turned, and left.

He knew he'd crossed a line- any idiot could have told him that. But if there was one thing he wouldn't tolerate, it was lies being told about Donkey Kong's death- the ape had died to save him from Tabuu and his crud-eating henchman, anyone saying otherwise was showing too much disrespect for him to handle.

He was so distracted that he didn't notice Samus crossing into his hallway until he'd already walked headlong into her. "Wha- oh, sorry, Ms. Aran."

"Sorry, nothing," Samus shook her head, looking severe. "Mario- what are you doing out of class?"

"Well, it's actually decent timing- I have a letter for you."

"A letter?" Samus tilted her head, keeping her eyebrows knitted.

"From Fas-er, Mr. Yokuba."

Samus's eyebrows were really overlapping as she turned this over in her head. "Alright, follow me."

A few minutes later, they'd arrived in Samus's office, where they took seats on opposite sides of the desk. Samus took the letter, ran it through a letter opener being held by a chozo statuette, and read through it. With each passing second, her eyebrows grew closer and closer together, until they had replaced each other, taking up residence over the opposite eye. She tossed the letter to the side. "Alright, Mario... is it true?"

Mario looked from side to side, and shrugged. "Is... is what true?"

"Fassad seems to be under the impression that you shouted at her. Then called him delusional. And implied that he would be on the Great Darkness's 'to-kill' list- after a rant about how he has returned. To your knowledge, this information is all correct?"

Mario locked up for a second before deciding that lying wouldn't really get him anywhere anyways. "Yeah, that about sums it up."

Samus's eyes narrowed, scrutinizing him closely. He tried to guess what she was thinking, but it proved impossible. Finally, she spoke. "Pitch Black or Baja Blast?"

Mario blinked. "Huh?"

"Which do you like better? Pitch Black or Baja Blast?"

Mario was taken aback. "Um... Baja Blast, I guess."

Samus reached under her desk, and came back up with a chilled can of Mountain Dew, Baja Blast, which she slid across the table to him. "Consider it a welcome-back present."

Mario was bewildered- Samus was a particularly difficult read. One moment, he thought she was going to shout him down, the next, she was giving him one of his favorite flavors of soda. "Cheers," he shrugged awkwardly as he popped the tab open and took a sip.

Samus grunted. "Mario... you need to be careful."

Mario blinked- Samus seemed somehow different from usual. Almost... afraid. "I understand your eagerness to get the truth out," she continued, "but pushing that agenda in Fassad's class could have much more serious consequences than the usual schooltime fare."

Mario stared. "What- huh?"

Samus drummed her fingers. "You know who Fassad is. You know who he reports back to. You may not know exactly, but you should have a decent idea of just how dangerous this game is."

A shadow seemed to cross over the room. Just what was she implying?

Samus cleared her throat. "Right here, it says that you have been given detention every evening this week."

"Every- Ms. Aran!" Mario gasped.

"I can't help you out of this one, Mario," Samus shook her head. "He is within the rules to offer detention, and I have no authority to overturn it. For now, we need to walk the line- no matter how much we may wish otherwise."

"But- I was telling the truth!"

"Mario, I need you to listen to me very carefully," Samus dipped her head into a Kubrick stare. "There are things happening this year that stretch beyond truth and lies. Take the detentions, and remember that, should we stray too far from Fassad's path, much worse things lie in wait." She reached beneath her desk again. "Here- have a Livewire. See if it helps you through."

Mario accepted the orange bottle. "Thanks... I think."

Samus sighed. "Mario- you heard what Fassad said last chapter, correct?"

"Well, I read Order of the Phoenix, which has the exact same speech," Mario shrugged.

"In which case, what did it mean?"

"Fassad- he's a plant for the government."

Samus allowed herself the faintest of smiles. "Well, at least one of the Golden Trio has a good head on their shoulders."

XXXX

*We at Project Solaris like using big words- it makes us feel smarter.

Hey, guys! Please... please ignore that two month gap... hehehe... I'll keep these endnotes short so I can finally get this chapter up. I know I'm straying onto some really sensitive turf now, so again, if you're a little uncomfortable with just how dark this series may be getting, feel free to let me know before we cross the event horizon. Otherwise, hope the long chapter makes up, in some small way, for the hiatus. To let me know, please R&R, constructive criticism embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!