Gamer4 in. Wow- just... wow. The weather out here can not make up its mind- yesterday was boiling, today came in and put a coat of ice over everything. Well, that may be a bit of an exaggeration, but you get what I'm saying. The gods really must be crazy... Anyways, onto the next chapter!
Disclaimer: Well, I know that you're in love with him, 'cause I saw you dancing in the gym! You both kicked off your shoes- man, I dig those rhythmy blues!
Chapter XIV
The Robot and the Slider
Mario almost had a panic attack when he awoke the next morning to see bright sunlight filtering in through the window- until he remembered it was Saturday. Giving a heaving sigh of relief, he collapsed back into bed, clapping his hands over his face. "Thank the Wave Existence," he muttered quietly. The previous week had to be the longest of his life. At least he could put those detentions behind him now...
As he got dressed, he noticed that all the other boys were still in bed- must have been a late night of partying. He relished in the quiet chirping of birds- he needed a bit of peace and quiet right now. Especially given that, despite his assurance towards Zelda, he fully intended to get a letter about these recent happenings to Roy ASAP.
And so it came to be that he made for his favorite chair by the fireplace, taking out a pen and paper, pulling the table in the middle closer to him, and... pausing, struggling to think how to communicate what was on his mind.
Honestly, he'd already forgiven Link and Zelda a while back- and felt a burning shame when he recalled his resentment towards them over the summer. Even so, however, it was only now that he truly realized the difficulty inherent in trying to encode a letter like the one he was trying to write- if he was too obvious in the information he was giving out, and in his queries for information he'd like to receive, he risked some serious consequences, both for the school and for Philanthropy. It was the most difficult letter he'd ever written, especially for the relative lack of text, but in the end, he hammered out a message something like this.
Dear Strider...
I know it's only been a week, but I just had to write to you today- lots of stuff to talk about.
The most important thing is about our new Protection from the Evils teacher- goes by the name of Fassad Yokuba. He'd fit right in at your family reunions. Anyways, remember that thing that happened last year? The middle of summer? It happened again last night- at the same time Fassad was looking me over. I know correlation and causation are two different things, but I can't help but wonder...
A bit of a tangent, but this week felt so awful that I sometimes feel like my left hand is missing. Any advice on what to do if you lose your left hand?
Hope to hear from you soon,
Mario.
Mario would readily admit he had trouble seeing things from others' point of view, but he did his best to step into the shoes of an outsider having intercepted this letter. As far as he could tell, there were enough inside references and 'you-had-to-be-there' moments to make it more incomprehensible than the average Gamer4 story- except in this instance, that was a good thing.
Either way, he folded it up, enveloped it, (I am shocked to see that that's an actual phrase,) and set out towards the aviary. He was only halfway there, however, when he was stopped by a passing Pit. "Oh, I wouldn't go that way if I were you, Mario," the Nintendo ghost cautioned, glancing behind him. "The Boo's down there- has a prank in mind involving that painting of the war between the red and blue bob-ombs."
"Let me guess," Mario muttered. "That person will find themselves suddenly sucked into the war between the reds and blues?"
"Yup," Pit nodded. "My guess is he's upset that he hasn't even been mentioned yet this story. I was just on my way to find the Sierra Shade- the Boo won't listen to anyone else."
Mario tilted his hat slightly and headed to another nearby painting, depicting a stone slide. Taking a stance, he sang out, "Blue skadoo, we can too!" before leaping through the painting, sliding down the slide, and coming out behind a tapestry several floors below him. Not the most efficient path to the aviary, but he didn't feel like getting drawn into a bob-omb battlefield today.
He was on the verge of setting off towards the aviary again when he felt a brush of fur past his leg. A check on the ground revealed something a little less welcome than Simba the Meowth- rather, it was Louise, the cat owned by Mido the caretaker, already dashing off to report to her loathsome boss. Mario's brow furrowed. "What? What did I do this time? I'm walking down the freaking hall!" Turning his back on her, he continued on his way towards the aviary.
By the time he got to the aviary, the sun was shining high in the sky. Which meant that most of the albatrosses were still asleep. A few had quite awoken yet, beginning to flutter around the aviary's insides, but they were definitely in the minority. Mario scanned around, searching for one albatross in particular, before sighing and crossing the aviary to where Parakarry was still asleep with his head beneath his wing. This chapter is absolutely devastating for ornithologists everywhere.
"Come on, Parakarry, get up, I've got a letter that needs delivering," Mario muttered in his albatross's direction. Parakarry twitched slightly, raising his wing enough to gaze out and see who was disturbing him, only to wave his wing in a 'five more minutes, mommy,' kind of way, and returning to his slumber. Mario, however, wasn't in the mood. "Wake the heck up!"
Parakarry seemed to be doing the bird equivalent of groaning- whatever that is- as he stretched out his wings and turned to face Mario, tilting his head in a 'Alright, alright, what is it?' fashion.
"Like I just said, I've got a letter for you," Mario repeated, crossing his arms and tapping his shoulder impatiently. "A letter addressed to... Strider, you know?" Lowering his voice to a whisper, "As in, Roy Strider?"
Parakarry gave a very avian nod as Mario tied the letter off. "Alright, then- see you soon."
Parakarry gave a reassuring twitch of his head before taking off into the great blue yonder. Mario followed him with his gaze, watching as he took off over the Lost Woods at the edge of the grounds... where he saw it. Floating over the forest, a dark ball of sorts, surrounded by a black aura, hazy in the bright morning sun. He stared- this was his first sighting of these creatures since his conversation with Melia on his first night back, and he was just as chilled now as he was then. Melia claimed they'd been here all along, but if that was the case, how could he have never seen them before?
"Oh- Mario!"
Mario leapt about a hundred feet in the air in shock- or maybe less than a single foot, whatever, it felt like a hundred. He spun around to see Pauline Dama standing in the doorway, clutching a package in her hands. "Oh... hi... hi, Pauline," he greeted her, struggling to refrain from massaging his chest. "Fancy seeing... you... here..." His brain started kicking the inside of his skull. Seriously? Of all the cliche lines you could have used?
"Yeah, well, it's my Mom's birthday," Pauline shrugged, holding up the package. "I... I just remembered, actually- snuck out to Kurain last night to get this for her."
Mario processed all the responses he could give to this anecdote- none of them seemed particularly fitting, so he remained silent as Pauline beckoned down another albatross and gave it the details of her delivery. As it took off, she turned and looked back at Mario. "So, how's the Nintendo Smash-Up team doing?"
Mario perked up- a question he could actually respond to! "Well, from what I hear, Kumatora is really reforming the team- one new member on our offense, a new person on our defense, and all..."
"Oh, really?" Pauline's eyes widened slightly. "Who's the new blood?"
"Oh- uh, Yukiko Amagi and Link Faron. Know them?"
"I've heard of Yukiko Amagi," Pauline's eyes narrowed ever so slightly. "Hard to get the boys in my class to shut up about her, actually... as for Link- he's Mr. Xeno, right?"
"He can be something of a 'Stop-Having-Fun' guy, yeah," Mario shrugged offhandedly. "'No items, Fox only, Final Destination' and all that, you know?"
"Yeah, I know," Pauline laughed lightly- it was music to Mario's ears. "So, they any good?"
"Wish I could tell you," Mario spoke honestly. "I was busy in... detention with that Fassad guy."
A chill seemed to overcome Pauline. For a moment, Mario's heart was on the verge of failing, thinking the chill was directed at him, but then- "He's terrible. That Fassad winnicott. You stand up for Donkey Kong- tell the truth about what happened to him- and he throws you in detention for it. You were brave back there- you really were."
And suddenly, Mario was walking on sunshine. Screw Fassad, screw Tabuu, even screw the balls of dark gas- who gave two smegs about any of them, when Pauline Dama was right here, telling him he'd been brave?
"BOY!"
Mario blinked- huh, that wasn't supposed to happen. What was John Smith doing at the Smash Mansion?
However, when he turned to the source of the noise, it was to find, not John Smith, but Mido the caretaker, gazing furiously around the room. "And there you are!" he shouted when his eyes found the trademark red clothing of his target. "Just where he said you'd be! But I'm on to your game- where is it?!"
"Where's... where's what?" Mario asked, genuinely confused.
"Don't play dumb with me!" Mido glared. "We both know that you're up here to send out an order for ultra bitter spray!"
"Ultra whatty what what?" Mario raised a single eyebrow. "Never even heard of that."
"It's a sort of drug," Pauline explained. "Not something that you'd hear about in most parts of the smasher world. Do too much, and it'll start turning body parts to stone."
"Which is why it's such a controlled substance- in the world outside and at this mansion!" Mido snarled. "Cough it up- where's your order?"
"Okay, first off, it doesn't exist," Mario spoke firmly. "Yeah, I'm sending a letter, but it's not for some drug that I've never even heard of. Who the heck told you that I'm a junky?"
"Calling him a liar, huh?" Mido narrowed his eyes. "Well, we can resolve this nice and quickly- hand over the letter you're sending, and we'll see just how the great Mario Mario likes to spend his off-time."
"Look, as much as I'd love to have this mysterious George Orwell of yours, I can't. Love to, but can't. I already sent it out."
Mido glowered. "And how do I know you're not lying?"
"Because I saw him send it," Pauline piped up, glaring at Mido. "Just as I was getting up here."
Mido opened and closed his mouth for a few moments, before turning and stomping off. Just before he was out of earshot, he turned back one last time. "You're off the hook for now, Mario, but remember- I'm watching you. Always watching..."
And with that, he was gone. Mario removed his hat and mopped his brow before returning it. "Thanks for... for sticking up for me," he nodded gratefully to Pauline.
"No trouble," Pauline smiled. "Just one thing, though- you weren't ordering that stuff, right?"
"Of course not," Mario shook his head. "Don't do drugs- don't smoke, don't vape, haven't even touched liquor since that New Year's Eve party a few years back- you know, the shoehorn incident."
"I've heard of it," Pauline shrugged.
"Why do you ask? Worried about me?" Mario allowed a slight smirk to cross his face.
"No, it's just that I'd look pretty stupid, vouching that you'd never touch a drug, then you turn up to class one day with both your arms turned to stone," Pauline pointed out.
"Nah, like I said, never even heard about that stuff until today."
"Then what made Mido so sure that you're shooting up with the stuff?"
"Well, you know him," Mario pointed out. "Hears that a student's doing something wrong, latches onto it until they're... er... suitably punished... though that still leaves the question of who even mentioned the idea around him."
"It's a mystery," Pauline nodded. "Well, it's been fun, but... I've got to go back to the hub. See you around, Mario."
Mario jumped- for a moment, he'd forgotten it was Pauline he was talking to. All the joking around about drugs, slamming of Mido, and delving into a new mystery had put him somewhat into the mindset that he was speaking to Link and Zelda. "Of- of course," he stuttered slightly. "See- see you 'round."
Pauline smiled one last time, then headed off down the hall.
As Mario eventually mounted the stairs and headed back to his own hub, he replayed the conversation several times in his head. To his delight, no matter how deeply he micro-analyzed the whole thing, he didn't detect a single hint of ire towards him from Pauline. No anger about him surviving where Donkey Kong hadn't- in fact, she'd praised him for trying to preserve the ape's legacy- for trying to tell the truth about his death. He'd read enough books and overheard enough soap operas to know he was particularly lucky for that- she could just as easily hate him just for breathing, but no... she'd called him brave...
XXXX
"You look like you're walking on sunshine," Link noted as Mario approached him and Zelda in the Dining Hall.
"So it's been noted," Mario agreed, glancing up at the narration from a page or two earlier. "Yup, I'm feelin' pretty good today. What with... er... making it back onto the Smash-Up team."
"I'm surprised you landed the spot without even showing up," Zelda noted, munching on a slice of bacon.
"I'm not," Link snorted. "Seriously, you should have seen some of the idiots who turned up, thinking they'd steal your spot. Kumatora was fuming by the end of it. Speaking of which," he added, betraying a trace of fear, "I really don't want to disappoint her today, Mario- mind meeting up with me in the stadium later today, giving me a bit of one-on-one practice before the others get there?"
"Sounds like a plan," Mario nodded. Truth be told, he was extremely eager to get behind the wheel of a kart again- any excuse that got him into his Wild Wing sooner was a good one in his book.
"Are you sure?" Zelda asked, crossing her arms at them. "I mean, think about all that homework you have-"
Link cringed at exactly the same moment that a flock of albatrosses appeared in the Hall, dropping mail down onto the expecting populace. Zelda in particular was interrupted as her daily edition of the Fourside Tribune was dropped into her milk.
"What's the buzz?" Link asked, eyeing the paper with full regard as his last hope to distract Zelda from the topic of homework.
"Just a second, let me do some scanning," Zelda raised a hand for silence, allowing them to continue their breakfast as she speed-read through the issue. Eventually, she finally got their attention- by panicking. "Crap!"
"What? What is it?" Mario and Link both spun to face her.
"Strider!" she gasped- prompting return gasps from them. "Listen- The Government has received information from a very... reliable source that Roy Alluvia, long list of crimes he didn't actually commit, is hiding in this very country!"
"Last we heard, they thought he was off-planet," Link furrowed his brow in concern.
"Ghirahim- it must be," Mario crossed his arms. "So he did recognize Strider back at Setac..." He was on the verge of turning mournfully back to his cereal when another article caught his eye. "Wait a second..."
"What now?" Link asked worriedly.
"The paper- look here!"
The latest trial in the ongoing scandal involving the Super Smash Bros. School of Smashing's headmaster, Matthew 'Master Hand' Hand, involves that of one of his toadies- actually of a species called the toads- vs. the state.
The toad, given the creative name of 'Toad,' was discovered within the depths of the government offices, attempting to break through the door barring the SCP Foundation from the rest of the building. Toad refused to speak in his own defense, and was subsequently sentenced to five months in prison- 'One month for each spot on his head,' said Ms. Green, the judge of the trial who also drew the connection between the toad and the Master Hand.
"On what evidence?!" Link snarled angrily.
"Well, Toad is part of Philanthropy," Mario pointed out.
"Yeah, but they're just repeating her guess like it's gospel, without even bothering to question whether what she said had any truth backing it up!" Link raged.
"We're getting dangerously close to that topic again," Zelda muttered.
"Yeah, I think I've got something to steer us elsewhere," Mario volunteered. "What in the name of the Wave Existence entering a pogo competition with Chuck Norris was Toad doing at the government offices, let alone trying to break into this... foundation place? What, you think he was doing something for the Hand?"
"That's definitely a possibility," Link nodded.
"No, it's not!" Zelda snapped her fingers, coming to a sudden realization. "Look at the date he got caught- the night before we all got on the Great Fox! And he was supposed to be part of the escort- don't you remember Simon complaining about him being absent?"
"That's right," Mario nodded. "Then again... maybe it was a risky job, and Simon just hadn't gotten the memo about him being caught yet?"
"Doesn't seem like him," Link shook his head. "He'd look at the fact he was doing a dangerous job, he'd see that Toad wasn't around, he'd put two and two together as only he can... he'd just have assumed the worst right off. My bones tell me there's something else going on here..."
*DING!*
"What was that?" Zelda wondered, looking around.
"Probably his bones," Mario muttered.
"No, it's my idea bulb!" Link pointed to the light bulb that had suddenly appeared, fully lit, above his head. "I just got a theory!"
"Is that a grammatically correct sentence?" Zelda wondered skeptically.
"Doesn't matter!" Link shook his head. "Listen, maybe Philanthropy had nothing to do with it! The government probably suspected Toad of being in with the Hand already, but they had no real reason to capture him and interrogate him. So they... I don't know, they lured him to the offices somehow, lured him down to that door so they had an excuse to arrest him- then they keep it quiet for a week while they question him, and once they realize he's just not gonna talk, they throw him away in Subspace!"
Mario looked skeptical, and Link could tell. Rubbing the back of his neck, he shrugged. "Well, it's just a theory." Putting on a freakishly large grin, he added, "A GAME THEORY!"
"No, we're not doing that," Mario shook his head. "What do you think, Zelda?"
"It's a decent show," Zelda shrugged.
"Not about MatPat," Mario sighed exasperatedly. "About his theory."
"I'm ashamed to say it, but it honestly wouldn't surprise me that much," Zelda sighed hopelessly. "The government does seem to be tearing all the pages from the Orwellian Playbook (TM) lately..."
XXXX
And, upon that particularly ominous pronouncement, a transition stepped in to hopefully move things towards a brighter era of peace, prosperity, and Smash-Up. Link was dashing excitedly around the arena, smitten by the thought of actually participating in the sport, rather than just spectating. Meanwhile, Mario was throwing a nervous gaze back at the Lost Woods, wondering if those strange orbs would appear again. However, as long as they remained there, Mario doing all he could to get the ball past Link, keeping one eye out all the time, he didn't spy them again. As far as Link went, he was much as Kumatora had described- pretty good, but with definite room for improvement. Eventually, they headed back to the mansion for a quick dinner, then immediately headed back to the stadium for an actual training session- as in, with the rest of the team this time.
The team gathered around their karts in the center of the stadium. Kirby and Meta donned identical evil smirks when they noticed Link standing there. "You know what, Kirb?"
"What is it, Meta?"
"I've always thought our team had something of a missing link."
And so came the collective groan from the rest of the team- except for Yukiko Amagi, who simply looked confused. "Missing... Link... as in, Link, the new defense... who was missing before..." Slowly, a look of comprehension came over her face... and she burst into wild, uncontrollable laughter. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-"
"Cool your jets, Yukiko, it wasn't that funny," Paula gave the laughing girl an aside glance.
"Or really funny at all," Link grumbled. "Freaking marshmallows..."
That last only seemed to make Yukiko laugh even harder. "Marshmallows- because they're- because they're pink- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-"
"Yeah, a friend of hers came to me today," Kumatora recalled. "Chie Satonaka- Hal. She said to be careful with the jokes around her, you two." Here, she directed a glare at the puffballs. "Get her started laughing, and she won't stop easily- she's a two-legged hyena."
"TWO-LEGGED... HYENA!" Yukiko, at this point, was bent over almost double, gripping her sides tightly and shaking with mirth.
Kumatora facepalmed. "Okay, then... Kirby, Meta, go get the balls, would you kindly? Maybe she'll have calmed down by the time you get back."
"Aye, sir!" Kirby and Meta saluted, trotting off arm-in-arm.
As they sat around, waiting for the twins to return, Yukiko slowly- finally- finished laughing off their earlier jests. Eventually, they returned, with oddly grim looks on their faces. "What's up, you two?" Kumatora raised an eyebrow. "Something up with the balls?"
"No, just some... uninvited guests," the twins explained, throwing sideways glares at the stands. Mario followed their gazes- and his heart sank. Just as he'd feared, it seemed Sierra couldn't let the first Nintendo practice session of the year pass without comment- especially with two new members to mock mercilessly.
"Looks like that Faron dog's got himself a new kart!" came Bowser's voice above all, chuckling as he looked down on Link. "Well, I say 'new'- of course, it was new, back when Marco Polo was still driving it around!"
"Surprisingly deep for him," Mario snarked, patting Link on the shoulder. "Don't feel bad, Link- I doubt he actually knows who Marco Polo is."
"Now, that's the Mario I know," Kumatora nodded with a grin. "Alright, let's warm up, people. Need to shake the rust off of the old hands, and break in our new ones."
"Hey, Jones, do you ever get tired of paying for new hair dye and still having it come out looking like a wet mop?" came the call of Maria Sheikah. Kumatora casually stretched, flipping said Sierra the bird as she climbed into her kart.
"So, just to get us started, let's play a bit of hot potato. Meta, the ball, if you please."
Meta Knight nodded, picking the Smash-Up ball out of the crate, spinning it around on one finger, and ultimately spin-kicking it right towards Kumatora, who snatched it out of the air with relative ease. "Over-the-top as ever, I see," she nodded. "That's good, that's good- over to you!"
She winged the ball over at Yukiko, who Mario had dismissed as not paying attention- she seemed fascinated with a passing cloud- only for her to suddenly perk up and just manage to catch the ball before it broke her nose. "Alright, pass it on!" Kumatora called. "Hurry up- that ball's on fire, you don't want to hold it for too long!"
"It burns!" Yukiko gave a false cry of pain- Mario could tell it was false by her grin- as she tossed it at Kirby, who caught it as deftly as Mario would have expected before tossing it to Paula, who decided it was about time to get their seeker involved. Mario managed a fairly easy catch, lightly tossing it to Link who... fumbled and dropped it on the ground. Mario closed his eyes, praying that the twins wouldn't say anything. Miraculously, they didn't- he could see them mentally facepalming, but for once, they managed to keep it to themselves, for which he was already planning on hugging them both later on.
Kumatora opted to pretend as though nothing had happened. "Come on, pass it on- that ball's melting your hands as we speak!"
Link nodded, tossing the ball over to Kirby, and continuing the cycle. Things continued much as one would expect, until eventually it came time for Mario to pitch and Link to catch once more. This time, Link didn't even raise his hands- the ball beaned him in the back of the head, sending his face into his steering wheel.
"Oh, come on, Link!" Kumatora crossed her arms to communicate her lack of amusement. "It's kind of critical for you to pay attention here, you know?"
It would have been bad enough on its own, but Sierra laughing and hooting in the background just made everything much, much worse.
Take three, in which Link finally caught the stupid ball, and proceeded to throw it- right into Yukiko Amagi's nose at what had to be 90 miles an hour.
"Dangit, Link!" Kumatora growled. "Save the attacks on kart-drivers for the other team, why don't ya?!"
Kirby and Meta, meanwhile, were already attending to Yukiko. "Dang, this looks bad. You feeling alright there, Yuki?"
"I think I'm built to dish out hits, not take them," Yukiko spoke, sounding very much dazed.
"Kuma, it might be best if we called it for now," Meta called back to their captain. "We should really take her up to Nurse Tessie for this one."
Kumatora didn't look happy about it, but acceded nonetheless. "Alright, everyone, turn in. Link, we will have a very firm discussion about this later, quite possibly with a white-hot cattle prod."
Link recoiled, but nodded nonetheless as the team dispersed.
XXXX
And so it came to be that Mario and Link were both hanging their heads as they presented Rosalina with the latest password, gaining them access to the hub, where Zelda awaited them. "So, how'd it go?" she asked, glancing up from where she was tapping out an essay.
"Up crap creek without a paddle... or a boat," Link muttered, plopping himself down in an armchair.
"I see," Zelda glanced up, producing a look of empathy for him. "Well, I'm sure it's okay- I'm guessing even Mario had-"
"Oh, so I'm the one who smegged it all up, huh?" Link growled.
"Well, that's not what I-"
"Let me guess- you knew from the beginning that it was a mistake for Kumatora to take me, right?"
"I wasn't going to-"
"Well, you know what? I've got homework to do. Leave me alone." With that, Link stomped upstairs to grab his laptop.
"Isn't his laptop in hammerspace?" Zelda raised her eyebrows.
"Leave him be," Mario waved his hand. "He spent the whole session being crapped all over by the Sierras."
There seemed to be an impenetrable barrier between Mario, Link, and the end of their homework that night. Try as they might, they just couldn't seem to make any headway. Sometimes, Mario would hammer out a few paragraphs, only to realize they were complete gibberish with no relation to what the topic of the essay actually was, and had to go back and try again.
The sun was beginning to sink as Zelda finally put down her latest attempts at poetry and came over to glance over their work. "Astrology, huh?"
"Yeah, that's what Lucario's got us doing," Link agreed half-heartedly.
"Well, in that case, you should know that Venus is the only other celestial body bright enough to cast light on earth," Zelda corrected him on one point. "Similarly, Venus isn't the bringer of war- that's Mars."
"Well, good for flipping Mars," Link grumbled. "I guess I have to start the whole thing over from scratch, now."
"No, it's not that bad, actuall-"
"Look, Zelda, I know that constructive criticism is supposed to be a good thing and all, but-"
"Link-"
"I know it's well established that I'm supposed to be just some comedy relief character, but-"
"Link!" Zelda raised her voice, forcibly grabbing the swordsman's head and turning it towards the window. "Isn't that Flurrie?"
"Flurrie?" Link glanced around before finally seeing the large, female albatross. "Flurrie! What's Rob got to say?"
He opened the window, allowing her in, and taking the letter she'd brought. Like her master, she had no tolerance for nonsense- once she was certain he had the letter, she took off without further adieu.
Link examined the envelope closely. "Why wouldn't it come with the other mail?" he wondered. Mario shrugged.
"Read it, maybe it says," Zelda suggested.
Link cleared his throat, and read out, his nose crinkling in disgust more and more the further he got...
Dear Link,
Our good President, Mr. Andrew Ryan, has just taken it upon himself to personally inform me of your promotion through the ranks of the Smash Mansion- to become a prefect. My joy circuits were nearly overloaded at the news, and I simply had to write to you, for many purposes.
To begin with, of course, you must be congratulated- you have already achieved more than Kirby and Meta Knight could ever hope to. Truly, it is about time that you finally joined the ranks of those wishing to uphold the rules, rather than finding new and creative ways to turn your back upon them.
In addition, however, I have some advice to offer you, hence the lateness of the hour at which this letter should find you- I do not wish for my voice to be heard by... the wrong people. For example, Mario Mario.
We both knew this topic had to come up within the foreseeable future. From what Mr. Ryan told me, you still count yourself as quite close to Mr. Mario. A prime reason for my writing to you today is to warn you against continuing to sully your hands in Mario's affairs. I am sure the Master Hand is attempting to brainwash you, along with many of your fellow students, into believing that Mario is some sort of Messiah, that his word is gospel, but a quick glance through tomorrow's issue of the Fourside Tribune ought to reveal a somewhat less biased, more factual view of Mario and his actions.
Indeed, as you are probably aware, Mario was brought in to trial at the government offices not too long ago, and was released purely on the courtroom antics of a senile hand and a heavily biased judge. Plenty of those that I speak to even now remain convinced that the trial shows Mario has long since turned his back on the realm of the sane.
Perhaps, then, it is no longer bonds of friendship that hold you back to Mario Mario. Perhaps you fear retribution should you turn your back on his web of lies. If this is the case, you need look no further than Fassad Yokuba, the newest Protection from the Evils teacher, a truly wonderful man who brings truth to places corrupted and tainted by prejudice. A simple query in his direction should be enough to set you on the correct path.
The winds at the Smash Mansion are changing, brother, make no mistake. The Master Hand's actions are finally being called into question, and the outlook for him at the government is not exactly favorable. Perhaps it is unsurprising, based on the attitude I have personally observed from the staff of the Smash Mansion, but it is nonetheless regrettable that Fassad's voice of truth has so far gone largely unheard. However, as the Tribune should inform you tomorrow, he will soon strike out against the heart of darkness in the mansion with newfound strength- and it is my belief that those loyal to him will be rewarded.
I wish I could have seen more of you over the summer- particularly after your reception of the good news- however, though it pains me to say it, I can no longer abide to stand in the presence of our parents, not when they align themselves so frivolously with the arcane cult that the Master Hand constructs around him. Witnessing the arrest of Toad, and the shady history of others, such as Kamek and Bayonetta, I am glad that I so narrowly avoided being tarred by their brush.
As my final thoughts, congratulations on becoming prefect, and beware of Mario Mario.
Rob.
Mario had rarely felt more hollow than he did at that moment. Even hearing the old, familiar teapot whistle was only a slight comfort. He glanced at Link, who had only barely managed to choke out those last few paragraphs, and was still turning redder and redder as Mario and Zelda watched. Glancing at her, Mario whispered, "This isn't going to be pretty."
Zelda was on the point of agreeing when Link finally burst. "THAT FREAKING MORON! I KNEW HE WAS ALWAYS BENT ON SUCKING ON THE TEAT OF WHOEVER HE THINKS IS MOST IN CHARGE AT THE TIME, BUT COME ON- I THOUGHT THERE WAS A LIMIT TO HOW FAR EVEN THAT ASSHAT'S HEAD COULD GO UP HIS OWN ANAL CAVITY! THAT SWINE! THAT FILTH! THAT SON OF A MOTHERLESS GOAT! THAT-"
Mario tuned out Link's ranting to focus on his own thoughts. He'd known, of course, that the government was bent on making him and the Master Hand look like a liar, but this letter probably hit closer to home than anything else that year. Yes, Diddy had gotten angry at him, but the whole thing was so personal for him- what with his favorite cousin having been Tabuu's victim and all- that Mario was honestly not that surprised in retrospect that he was reacting more emotionally than anything else. Rob, however... he'd never been the best of friends with him, more like a brother- the one brother that nobody really liked and just made family reunions really awkward. Even so, hearing that- seeing that Rob genuinely believed those things about him- somehow, it was much more devastating than even Fassad's prolonged torture sessions.
"-WITH A MAPLE-SYRUP SOAKED TRAMPOLINE!" Link finally concluded his rage quit, before collapsing into his chair and throwing the crumpled up letter into the fire. "Ah, well, back to work, I guess..."
He was on the point of opening his laptop when he caught Zelda's eye- she was gazing at him closely. "What is it? I got a pimple or something?"
Zelda sighed. "Look, hand over your laptop, and just this once, I'll wrap up your essay. Just this once," she added severely at Link's look of joy. "I'm in the business of solving riddles, not helping people cheat their way through school."
"Well, I'll appreciate it all the same," Link sighed, collapsing back into his chair out of sheer relief.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Zelda waved him aside. "You too, Mario- unless you want to do it yourself."
Mario was still pretty out of it as he handed his laptop over to her, too. She placed one on the table next to her, and began plowing her way through Link's essay with the speed of Steve McQueen on crack.
Mario sighed, shaking his head as he stood and crossed the room to the sink, filling it up and splashing some water over his face. He was staring into the water, ripples breaking and reflecting the light, when suddenly, he saw...
"And as for you, Mario," Zelda muttered, turning over to him, "you did pretty well, except- something up?"
"Ah, same old, same old. Getting persecuted right and left, smegging up my homework, seeing Strider's head in the sink."
"In the sink?" Zelda asked, standing and approaching. "You're kidding, right? I know he did something like that last year, but it would be much too dangerous to- Roy!"
"Ah, come on, is that any way to greet your old buddy?" asked the grinning face in the sink.
Sure enough, the water Mario had just poured had molded itself into the visage of Roy Alluvia, much as it had the previous year.
"Glad to catch you before you headed to bed," he spoke quietly, glancing around to make sure they were alone. "Normally, I wouldn't have taken the risk- but today, I figured it was worth it. Mario had a ton of really good questions in that letter of his, more than I could answer in a letter even if there wasn't a risk of it being intercepted. So, here I am!"
"Wait, you wrote him a letter?" Link asked, looking curious, as Zelda crossed her arms and pursed her lips.
"When exactly were you planning on letting us know?"
"I forgot," Mario explained quickly. For once, this was 100% true- he hadn't been keeping secrets that he thought might be taboo by her- the day had been so eventful that, by the time he'd had a real chance to tell them, it had been swept from his mind. "Look, don't give me that look, okay? I was careful- kept everything nice and vague. Unless... unless I smegged up, Roy?"
"Nah, nah, you were a master of allusion," Roy nodded. "Allusion, not Illusion. You'd definitely have to already be in Philanthropy to know what he was talking about. Now, we need to talk quick- Gordon only guaranteed me ten minutes or so. Most important thing first- your scar."
"Your scar? What's up with-" Link began, only for Mario to wave him aside.
"Later, we're strapped for time," he spoke quickly.
"Look, I understand why you're worried, but I don't think it's anything to be concerned about," Roy fired off. "According to the Master Hand, it goes off when Tabuu's angry, right?"
"So goes his theory," Mario agreed. "And I guess it would make sense that it's getting stronger now that he is, too... so you don't think it had anything to do with Fassad?"
"Probably not," Roy agreed. "I only know the guy by reputation, but he doesn't seem to be in with the starmen."
"He's evil enough to be one," Mario stood firm.
"Yeah, but the starmen don't have a monopoly on evil," Roy shrugged.
"That's what I said," Zelda muttered.
"I'm just saying that he doesn't seem to be working with Tabuu- not that he's anywhere close to a saint. You want the goods on Fassad? Just turn your attention to Fox."
"Fox? What about him?" Mario asked.
"Well, he doesn't know her personally, either, but he's behind quite a bit of legislation and campaigning that got Fox kicked out of a few jobs in favor of applicants that fit more quotas," Roy recalled. "He's cunning- he manages to spin prejudiced laws in such a way that they don't sound prejudiced on paper, until you read between the lines a bit..."
Mario recalled his earlier thoughts that Fox seemed even worse off lately than usual. Man, just when he thought he couldn't hate Fassad any more...
"So he hates werecreatures?" Zelda asked, fury entering her voice.
"Hates anything he thinks is stronger than himself- or, at least, that's the picture I always got," Roy shrugged. "Werecreatures, gorons, ancients- anything that looks human, but isn't. Led a crusade against the taguel a few years back- so you can guess that Panne loves him even more than Fox..."
"Who's Panne again?" Mario asked.
"Oh, you didn't see her?" Roy asked, raising his eyebrows. "She's-"
"We were talking about Fassad," Zelda crossed her arms and steered the conversation back to its rails.
"Oh, right," Roy nodded. "So, what's he doing in his lessons? Teaching you all the dangers of dealing with non-human smashers?"
"Actually, it would almost be better if he was," Mario muttered. "At least we'd be learning something."
"Yeah, all we do is read a bunch of drivel from that book he assigned," Link agreed.
"Well, looks like I owe Fox four rupees," Roy sighed heavily. "He was guessing that would be the case. According to our sources in the government, Andrew Ryan's doing everything he can to keep you from being trained in combat."
"Com- what the smeg?" Mario asked, truly taken aback. "What, he thinks we're forming a new world order here?"
"Something like that," Roy agreed. "He thinks the Master Hand is plotting to use the students from the Smash Mansion to infiltrate the government and overthrow them. It's not long now until they try to get the Master Hand in court the same way they got Mario."
Mario was growing increasingly uncomfortable. Trying to lighten the mood, he asked, "So, what about the other hand? Any news about Crazy?"
"Well, about that... sugarcoated or non?"
"Non, every time," Mario crossed his arms.
"Well, he was supposed to be back by now, that much is true... but the Master Hand says there's no reason to worry!" Roy quickly added. "Ammy got back a while ago, said that Crazy would be a while longer, but not to worry too much- they split up over a disagreement- who knows what about- and whatever it was might slow him down a bit."
Seeing that they still didn't seem to feel much better, Roy changed the topic again. "So, when's your next trip to Kurain? I figured I might take a walk down there- or let someone else walk me, if you know what I'm sayin-"
"NO!" came three voices at once.
"Roy- the Tribune... the Tribune-"
"Yeah, I know all about the Tribune," Roy nodded. "Not just being sarcastic- I actually know what you're talking about. No need to worry- they're just taking jabs in the dark."
"They narrowed it down to this country, when before, they had the wrong flipping galaxy," Mario pointed out. "We're sure of it- Ghirahim's on to your disguise, if he sees you again..."
"Okay, okay... I get it. I just thought a get-together would be fun..."
"It would be," Mario assured him. "Seriously, I'd love to see you in person again. What I don't want is to see those freaks of nature get their tentacles on you again!"
Roy eyed him for a moment. "Maybe Uli was right," he spoke slowly. "Maybe I did get you confused with Jake. That kind of risk would have sealed the deal for him, not broken it."
Mario sighed, rubbing his eyes. "Roy..."
"Look, I've got to go," Roy glanced behind him. "Keep an eye on the sink, okay? If I ever plan on appearing again, I'll try to let you know ahead of time, but I know you don't want to take the risk..."
Before Mario could point out how little sense that made, the plug in the sink opened it up, and the water drained away, taking Roy's face with it.
XXXX
Because you guys care so overwhelmingly much, I happened to be playing Illusion of Gaia alongside the writing of this chapter. What does this have to do with anything? Nothing whatsoever. Anyways, we're drawing steadily closer and closer to that one thing that I'm sure everyone's been looking forward to- I know I have. Hope to get there within the next couple of weeks- until then, please R&R, constructive criticism embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!