Gamer4 in. Wow... long break. Sorry about this one, guys- I've been away from my computer in general for a while now. Between getting sick, getting surgery, recovering from surgery, getting sick again, loads of family business, working, once again, towards getting a job, and a case of writer's block cured but three seconds before I came in to write this, I've been short on time to do much of anything, let alone write. Okay, enough excuses- let's get started once more!
Disclaimer: I was a lonely teenage bronkin' buck, with a pink carnation and a pickup truck, but I knew I was out of luck the day the music died!
Chapter XV
A Tyrant Takes the Helm
Rob's letter had been pretty vague about what, exactly, they could expect from the Fourside Tribune that morning- they'd expected locating the item he'd described would be an arduous task taking up most of the morning. However, it wasn't so- no sooner had Zelda unrolled the paper than she'd done a spit take all over the front page. "WHAT THE CRAP?!"
"What is it?" Mario asked quickly, looking over. "Holy Wave Existence- Proton Jon finally updated Superman 64!"
"Not that!" Zelda shook her head furiously, drawing his attention away from the relatively small article to the large, pages-spanning article headed by a picture of Fassad Yokuba, giving that crud-eating laugh even as he continued munching on a banana. "That!"
PRESIDENT RYAN PLACES HIS 'THIRD EYE' AMONGST THE SMASH MANSION
"I don't like the sound of this," Mario muttered darkly. "Alright, Zelda, what's it say?"
With rumors over the summer that standards of teaching have been declining at the Super Smash Bros. School of Smashing, it was only natural that our government would step in to ensure our children receive the education they deserve.
'It being the current year, there are standards to which the students must be held, and the government has grown concerned that, as it stands, the school is incapable of raising them to those standards,' quoth Rob Faron, President Ryan's personal assistant, thus obviously unbiased source.
Of course, the government using its influence to dictate how the school should be run is becoming increasingly precedented recently- only a month ago, the government passed a law allowing the president to personally choose a teacher for any given position that the school finds itself, for any reason, unable to fill.
"The first teacher appointed under this law was Mr. Fassad Yokuba," Rob explained during his interview. "His status as the President's secretary, of course, offers him the perfect credentials to teach Protection from the Evils, which he has proceeded to do with an incredible amount of finesse.'
At which point Zelda was forced to raise her voice to keep the article heard over Link's returning teapot whistle.
'Unfortunately,' Rob went on to say, 'Mr. Yokuba's reports from inside the school's structure do not signal a favorable outlook upon its future. During a correspondence between Mr. Yokuba and Mr. Ryan, therefore, it was decided Mr. Yokuba would need some additional power to truly combat the rising tide of inadequacy at the mansion. Thusly, Mr. Yokuba will have the ability to operate more openly, investigating his fellow teachers to ensure they rise to governmental standards, and petition for new laws from the President himself as he sees fit.'
To ensure that this initiative had the full support of the students' parents, this paper turned to the richest- er, least biased- source they could find- Mr. Ghirahim Dragmire.
'Indeed, I am remarkably comfortable with this initiative,' Ghirahim spoke- well, we think that's what he said, it was hard to hear over the clanking of gold coins. 'Now that he is finally being treated to fair, objective evaluation by our government's standards, perhaps he will finally figure out where the line is, and at least attempt to stick to it.'
Indeed, the Master Hand, headmaster of the Super Smash Bros., is known for his bizarre, often controversial decisions, including hiring werecreatures and half-ancients for jobs that others were clearly more qualified for.
Not all governmental officials are keen on this initiative, however. In response to its passing, no less than fifteen members of the high court have resigned their positions in protest, including such notable names as Emmeryn Mercer and Greg Chelmey.
"I've noted before that criminals become so blinded by their motivation that they lose sight of that damage they do,' quoth Chelmey, when asked. 'Above all, this incident has made it clear to me that criminals are not the only blind ones.'
Of course, whether the testimony of a suspected member of the infamous Bionis-Babahlese smuggling ring can truly be trusted..."
The article went on for quite a while longer, but we're sure you've had enough, so we'll cut it off there.
By the time they were finished, Zelda's brow was furrowed, Link's face was red, steam pouring out his ears, and Mario's hat was casting his face in shadow, head lowered onto his chest, arms crossed, finger tapping his shoulder.
"Well, that answers one question, at least," he muttered, trying to keep his voice from shaking. "How Fassad could possibly have gotten this job. President Ryan passed that law and forced the smegger on us."
"This... that... that son of a..." Link was growling, still struggling to keep his anger in.
"I know," Zelda nodded, touching his shoulder gently. "Believe me, I know."
Abruptly, however, all the red drained out of Link's face, he took a deep breath, and grinned. "What's gotten into you?" Mario asked, bringing his face out of the shadows so his raised eyebrow could be visible.
"I just realized... this means we're gonna get to see a battle of Fassad vs. Samus!" Link's grin widened. "Oh, I can't wait to see that!"
Zelda blinked, and allowed a small smile to cross her face as well. "Something to look forward to, then," she shrugged. "Come on- we don't want to be late to Andonuts' class, especially if Fassad decides that's the first class he'll be inspecting..."
Fortunately, however, whoever Fassad was turning his sights on first, it wasn't Professor Andonuts. Why fortunately? Because not five minutes had passed before Mario and Link were slumbering on each others' shoulders.
Fassad also was absent for the long-awaited power-ups class, where Wolf opened up by returning the class's homework to them. Mario was all ready to cringe when his plume of dusk essay landed in front of them, and wasn't disappointed- a quick glance at the front was enough to show he'd earned a stone rank on it.
"Judging by the quality of your work," Wolf growled as he marched up to the front of the class, "the majority of you are too stupid to recognize the grading system being applied here. What you are looking at is the grade your paper would have received, had it been presented to an ALBATROSS test proctor. This is the year of no punches being pulled- I may have been kind to some of you in the past, but no longer. I fully expect this class to rise above the standards set here, or I will not hesitate to administer detentions to those who think a stone rank is acceptable."
Bowser chortled. "Well, I'm not sayin' I got a pure platinum or anythin', but homey, I'd sure love to meet the moron who got a stone!"
Mario glanced behind him to see Zelda struggling to get a good look at his paper, whereupon he had no hesitation about crumpling it up in his fist and burning it to ashes. Smeg if he was going to let Zelda see how badly he'd done on this essay.
That lesson had them working on chuckoccinos, a special blend of coffee capable of making one's skin so thick that spikes couldn't penetrate it. Desperate to raise his plummeting GPA in this class, Mario threw all the concentration he had into analyzing every word of Wolf's instructions, ultimately coming out with a power-up not quite as close to Wolf's description as Zelda was, which, in fairness, he'd expected, but it at least smelled like coffee, which was more than could be said for Luigi's, which smelled like a vanilla milkshake, or Wario's, which smelled like old shoe, so it was with a reasonable amount of confidence that he threw some of his bean juice into a beaker and delivered it unto their teacher.
"Alright, classes are starting to get easier now, aren't they, now that we're shaking the rust off?" Zelda asked of her comrades as they left the basement and began climbing up to the Dining Hall for lunch. "And as far as the homework goes- gold is definitely nothing to sneeze at, considering how obscure plumes of dusk actually are."
Mario was steadily developing his poker face, and managed to keep it steady as Zelda continued. Link, however, was looking increasingly uncomfortable. Zelda pressed on. "I mean, of course, Pure Platinum would have been brilliant, but gold is definitely a good start on this-"
Link sat down and slammed his face into the table, leaving a print there that would remain for years to come, developing legends amongst future generations that the ghost of the face-print-leaver still haunted the table to that very day. "Love of Farore, Zelda, if you wanna know how bad I did, all you gotta do is ask!"
Zelda blinked. "Well, if you want to-"
"Bronze! There you go- I got a bronze rank! Just about as bad as I could have!"
"Hey, don't sell yourself short there, broski!" squeaked Kirby, as he and Meta approached the three from behind. "Bronze is a great way to start off the year of ALBATROSS!"
"True," Zelda agreed. "I mean, it's the highest failing grade there is..."
Link growled slightly, but Meta intervened. "Yeah, definitely doing better than stone, there, bro- yours is still a metal!"
"Bronze, stone, gold," Zelda mused, oblivious to Mario throwing his face into his hat's shadow again, this time to hide how red it was. "So, the best is platinum-"
"Pure platinum, if we're being exact," Meta corrected. "Platinum is second-best."
"But that's just confusing!" Zelda objected, her eyes wide.
"Hey, we ain't the ones who devised the grading system!" Kirby pointed out.
Zelda's brow furrowed, but she continued nonetheless. "Okay, so, then, after that, there's gold-"
"There you go," the twins nodded.
"-and Silver is the lowest you can get and still pass, right?"
"Yuppers," Kirby nodded. "For failing, the highest you can get is bronze-"
"Huzzah!" Link cheered.
"And stone is about the worst you can do," Kirby nodded.
"Well, not quite," Meta interjected. "There is one rank lower..."
"Lower than stone?" Zelda's eyes widened. "Where could they go from stone?"
"Coal," the twins shrugged.
As ever with those two, it was difficult to tell if they were being serious or not. Nevertheless, Mario was unable to keep a truly terrifying image out of his head- the image of himself, at the end of this year, struggling to keep it secret from Zelda that he'd gotten 'coal' in every ALBATROSS test. Well, there was his motivation to do well this year- smeg if he'd let that future come true!
XXXX
*A-CHOO!*
"You alright there, Lucina?" Robin asked.
"Yeah- I've got the feeling they're talking about me over at Nintendo, though." Lucina swung her head over to the Nintendo table, then turned her attention back to Robin. "But don't think you're getting out of this that easily. I won't allow that to happen."
"I... I understand," Robin looked down. "You really want it to happen, don't you?"
"Please forgive me, Robin," Lucina shook her head, drawing her sword.
Robin said nothing, quickly glancing around as if looking for an escape rout. "Stay where you are!" Lucina brandished her sword. "You have no choice. I have to keep the timeline intact."
"Stupid timeline," Robin grumbled. "I still don't believe you about this future of yours- you just want to humiliate me."
"The timeline must be kept intact!"
"Fine, fine!" Robin raised her hands as he stepped up onto a chair, clearing her throat. "A-hem... I am the very model of a modern major general! I've information animal, vegetable and mineral, I know the exalts of Ylisse, I quote the fights historical, from Southtown field to Grima's back in order categorical!"*
XXXX
"So, spill it," Kirby changed the subject abruptly. "Any y'all had 'The President's Third Eye' watching one of your lessons yet?"
"Not as of yet," Mario shook his head, eagerly jumping on the change of topic. "You?"
"Yup- just comin' down from one," Meta nodded. "Not as bad as you'd think, to be honest."
"Yeah, Fassad was just in the back taking notes, asked ol' Pikachu a couple of questions, then was on his way," Kirby concurred.
"So, Pikachu was the first to get his head on the chopping block, huh?" Zelda crossed her arms.
"Ah, no need to worry about him," Kirby and Meta waved her concern aside. "I doubt even Fassad could find anything about him to complain about."
"So, who you got for the rest of the day?" Meta asked.
"Lucario and Fassad," Mario recalled.
"Wait, how's Fassad inspecting all these classes and still teaching his?" Link asked, eyebrows raised.
"Well, it's not like we need much supervision just to read the flipping book," Zelda pointed out.
"True, true," Kirby nodded in sync with his brother. "Anyways... if that's the case, Mario, you'd best keep your temper under your hat during that class. Wave Existence knows what Kumatora'll do if you miss out on the first week of real Smash-Up practice."
Remembering Kumatora's previous reaction, Mario shuddered and nodded his agreement.
However, as it turned out, Mario saw Fassad earlier than expected that day- no sooner had he and Link taken their seats in the mansion's attic than Link let out a discontented grunt, nudging Mario and tilting his head towards the nearby window.
Soon, everyone in the class had their eyes on him, but Fassad's eyes remained fixed on their target, much as a cat's eyes remained fixed on its prey. Lucario, giving a slight shudder under Fassad's fixed gaze, twitched slightly as Fassad finally spoke in that hateful, hateful voice of his.
"Good to meet you, Mr. Lucario," he spoke. "From the looks of things, you received your note regarding the date of your inquisition?"
"NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!" burst out another voice in the class, causing a stir as everyone glanced around, attempting to see who'd said it. They never found him, as Duster Osohe's cheeks, being only one pixel big, hid his blush very well.
Finally, Fassad turned his attention back to Lucario, who was very visibly trembling by now. Of... of course I did...
"Glad to hear it, nwehe," Fassad nodded, taking a seat of his own, producing a notepad and a pen in the shape of a banana. "Please, go on- I'm not even here."
Lucario nodded and hesitantly rose in front of the class. Very well... today, we are continuing our work into dream interpretation. A very simple task today- explain your most recent dreams to your partner and use Mr. Samten's text to interpret them. As you were...
Mario raised two things- an eyebrow and a hand. Lucario was over in no time. Something wrong, my boy?
"Is there something wrong, Mr. Lucario?" Mario asked, attaching the honorific for the first time in... ever. "You're pretty nervous for not actually knowing this guy..."
My boy... I look into his soul... and I see a monster as well as a man. Head low, continue your work... we're being watched...
With that, the pokemon floated off, leaving Mario and Link to stare at each other. "So... on that note..." Link spoke tentatively, "... whatcha been dreamin' 'bout?"
Mario panicked slightly. "Um... umm... umm... I dreamed I was being chased through Black Mesa by mummified jelly beans!"**
"Aaaaallrighty then," Link nodded in a 'sure, why not' kind of way. "So, we add your age to the date of the dream in question...and the subject... what's the subject of this dream? Chasing? Jelly beans? Mummies?"
"Does it really matter?" Mario asked, keeping one eye fixed on Fassad as he rose to his feet and began to walk among the students.
"And you had this dream... when?"
"Last night, I guess," Mario shrugged, making sure to keep Fassad in his peripheral vision.
"Now, then," Fassad spoke up, producing another banana to munch on as he approached Lucario. "How long have you been in this position, exactly?"
Lucario was shaking like a leaf now. S...s...sixteen years, aside from a brief sabattical four years ago.
"I see," Fassad nodded. "And... the Master Hand hired you personally?"
He did.
"Are you at all related to the late Mewtwo, who previously died while performing this very job?"
He was something like a third or fourth cousin of mine, Lucario shrugged.
"Do you feel a great loss at his death?"
Honestly, no- I only met him on one or two occasions, one of which was to ask him to cover for my sabbatical, Lucario recalled, floating one inch back for every step forward Fassad took.
"I see," Fassad scribbled something down.
I... er... I suppose this is relevant to the inspection?
"No, no, just a personal interest of mine, nwehe," Fassad waved aside. "Well, that about wraps everything up, unless... hmm, yes, why not- just for funsies! Nwehehehehe... would you kindly make a prediction for me?"
Lucario blinked. Come again?
"A prophecy," Fassad repeated. "As I leave, I find myself very concerned about what the future holds for me- would you kindly elaborate?"
Lucario made a semi-audible gulp. Full-fledged prophecies, you understand, do not come at the whim of the psychic, he thought slowly. A true, full prophecy will come only when it sees fit to do so...
"I see," Fassad nodded, touching the top of his remarkably middle-eastern looking hat. "How disappointing..."
But! Lucario thought quickly. That is- that is not to say that I can see nothing! It is not as specific as it could be, but I do see something lurking in your future! Something that will come to pass soon! Mr. Yokuba- Mr. Yokuba, I am afraid to inform you that you are in grave danger!
Fassad blinked. "I see. I will take it under advisement."
Another touch of his grossly-stereotypical hat, and down the ladder he went, back to the main mansion, leaving Lucario, shaking more than ever, to collapse into his chair.
XXXX
"It wasn't a very good prophecy, I mean," Link spoke as they climbed down that ladder themselves, one period later. "I mean, I could have told you that much, and I definitely don't have any psychic powers."
"Right," Mario agreed, "but still... the way he was bullying him... I don't know."
Mario was disgusted to find Fassad alternating between humming a cheery tune and bursting into that hateful laugh of his when he, Link, and Zelda entered into the Protection from the Evils classroom. Mario left it to Link to explain everything to Zelda, which he was on the verge of doing when Fassad nwe'd another he, and ordered the class to continue reading Protection from the Evils- a Non-Problematic Approach.
"There will be no need to talk," he smirked, repeating himself from the previous week.
"No need to think is more like it," Zelda muttered darkly, just quiet enough to keep Fassad from hearing.
Mario wearily opened up his book and, once again, began slogging through the intellectual wasteland that was Anita Sarkeesian's work... until, out of the corner of his eye, he saw Zelda with her hand up in the air once again.
Fassad looked up and spied this as well. However, seemingly having learned his lesson from the previous week, he did not attempt to ignore her. Instead, he rose from behind his desk and crossed the room until he was directly in front of her, bent down, and spoke in a whisper so quiet, even Mario and Link, right next to her, had to strain to hear. "You have a question, Ms. Hyrule?"
"I finished today's required reading," Zelda explained her dilemma, obviously sharing none of Fassad's inclination to keep her voice down.
"Oh, have you?" Fassad seemed somewhat skeptical. "Well, in that case, you may proceed further into the book."
"I can't," Zelda shook her head. "I've already finished it."
Mario smirked when he spied Fassad's jaw dropping, but the latter recovered quickly, straightening his back and whispering, "Very well, then, Ms. Hyrule. If you are so familiar with Ms. Sarkeesian's work, perhaps you would like to tell me her thoughts on Linkle?"
"Chapter Six, Page seventy-three," Zelda recited without missing a beat. "'Linkle is just another example of male privilege in gaming. When a request for a female version of Link met Nintendo's ears, they responded with a fangirl in a spin-off video game for the 3DS, rather than reworking one of the mainstream Legend of Zelda titles, and every difference between her and series mainstay Link is a painful reminder that he is the 'true' hero of the story.'"
Fassad blinked, glancing at the book- nope, still closed, she hadn't been reading from it. Zelda cleared her throat. "Which, may I say, is a load of bubkiss."
Fassad seemed to freeze slightly, crossing his arms and looking genuinely annoyed for once. "And what makes you say that, Ms. Hyrule?"
"To begin with, the majority of the playable characters in the Hyrule Warriors games are female to begin with- and all portrayed exactly as Sarkeesian has been demanding all along," Zelda started. Mario stared at her- apparently, she'd even done her research into the authors of her schoolbooks. "Linkle is not intended as a female version of Link, merely another character with all her own personal quirks- which, in this case, happens to be being a rabid fan of Link himself. Besides, when the majority of gamers play a game, they are focusing on the graphics, gameplay style, story, and a multitude of other things, but very rarely the gender of the player character. To imply that female gamers need such a connection with their avatar to begin with to understand their story and struggles simply paints them as vastly shallow individuals, which I personally find more offensive than any game that happens to have a male protagonist."
"Is that so?" Fassad asked, his voice raising.
"It is," Zelda nodded. "Is there a problem with my reasoning?"
"The problem is this," Fassad spoke, his voice coming to a hiss. "Your opinion on these matters is irrelevant. No matter how much you may disagree with Ms. Sarkeesian, it is her voice that is relevant to this class- not yours."
"But isn't the point of learning to be exposed to multiple different points of-"
"ENOUGH!" Fassad cried. A deep breath or two later, he forced a smile. "Five points from Nintendo."
Mario smashed the cover of his book with a fist. "What the flip for?!"
"Mario..." Zelda muttered warningly.
"For Ms. Hyrule's interruption of my class with words of harassment and abuse towards Ms. Sarkeesian," Fassad rattled off immediately.
"Harassment?!" Mario bellowed, enraged. "She disagreed with her! If you want harassment, think back to what you were doing to Lucario, that was hara-"
"My behavior towards Lucario is not for you to judge, Mario Mario!" Fassad's eyes narrowed. "Perhaps that idiot of a pokemon should have stayed on that sabbatical ad infinitum, instead of coming back and relieving Mewtwo of his-"
"Oh, yeah, Mewtwo would have made a much better teacher," Mario nodded, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "Adept at interpreting dreams, master of the planets, mindless slave to Tabuu..."
Silence fell. Fassad and Mario seemed to be engaged in a rather intense staredown. Finally, Fassad spoke. "That's another week of detention, Mario."
XXXX
Mario could still feel the pain of those puppets the next day as he made his way down to breakfast. He hadn't thought the pain of his eardrums bursting, or his head exploding, or drowning in oil could get any more intense... but they had. Even so, that wasn't the worst part of the punishment- no, the worst part, as the twin puffballs had warned him, was Kumatora's reaction. Her top had so thoroughly blown that morning that Samus came down to see what was going on. "Ms. Jones, what seems to be the problem? Some of us are trying to enjoy our morning, you know."
"Ms. Aran, this idiot seeker of mine has landed himself in detention for the second week in a row!" Kumatora snarled.
"Detention?" Samus's eyes widened before returning to normal. Raising a hand to her face, she sighed, "Don't tell me, Mario... it was-"
"Fassad Yokuba, yes," Mario nodded, desperate to get this conversation overwith as fast as possible.
Samus stared at him, and this time, she seemed to be shooting death rays from her eyes. "Mario, I am doing everything I can to impress upon you the consequences of attempting to single-handedly take Fassad Yokuba on. I don't know what he has you doing in detention, but clearly, the message isn't being imparted quickly enough. Five points from Nintendo."
"What for?!" Mario objected.
"In the desperate hope that we don't find your body at the bottom of Lake Delfino by the end of this year," Samus crossed her arms, before turning and making her way back up to the staff table.
"Great, just great," Mario grumbled. "Five points taken away for having to watch those torture videos every night. Fan-tegging-smastic."
"Well, I'm sure if you told her what he was really doing in those detentions," Zelda spoke up, "maybe she'd-"
"For the last time, I'm not telling her!" Mario barked.
That morning's encounter hung over him like a dark cloud throughout their first class, only breaking when he entered the classroom for Transformation and spied Fassad sitting in the corner. Link smirked. "Well, time for the show, buddy," he patted Mario on the back. "Time to see Fassad get his."
Eventually, Samus appeared in the doorway and immediately headed to the white-board, not acknowledging Fassad's presence with so much as a blink. "Order in the classroom," she said, and immediately, silence fell. "Alright, one week on, let's see if we can't improve on those vanishing caps of ours."
"Ms. Aran?" Diddy Kong asked, raising a paw in the air. "Wouldn't this technically be a power-up?"
"You'd be surprised how often the academic fields of power-ups and transformation intertwine," Samus shrugged. "Alright, Levi- if you'd collect everyone's homework and get it to my desk. Ordona, I'd like you to return everyone's hats to them-"
"Nwe-hem," came that hateful laugh. Samus didn't miss a beat ignoring him, continuing to direct her students around towards their first task. Mario looked at the essay he'd been handed back and breathed a sigh of relief- silver rank. Not fantastic, but he'd take just about anything at this point.
"Alright, let's get to it," Samus clapped her hands together. Eyes narrowing, she added, "And no, Mr. Levi, your hat is not a sock. Stop treating it as such." Ness blushed as he returned his hat to his desk. "Now, while very few of you managed to complete your vanishing caps last week, what you did succeed in, as well as the homework you've handed in to me, indicates you have a general idea of what you're doing. That in mind-"
"Nwe-hem!"
Samus closed her eyes. When they opened, they were raised towards the heavens in a 'Wave Existence, give me strength' kind of way. "Do you have a problem, Mr. Yokuba?"
"I just wanted to ensure that you received my notice regarding the date of your inqui-"
"Of course I did. Believe me, you'd know if I hadn't- namely, when I asked you if you were lost. Mind if I get back to my lesson now? No? Good."
And so it came to be that, ignoring the looks of sheer joy on many a student's face, Samus returned to her attempts at teaching. Why 'attempts?' Well... "Now, as I was saying, now that you have a general idea of-"
"Nwe-hem!"
"You know," Samus sighed, turning towards him, "the thought occurs that, for you to get a good idea of my teaching methods, I need to actually get around to some teaching, which is somewhat difficult when people keep interrupting me. I assure you, were you a student, you'd have lost several points for your group by now."
Fassad's jaw dropped once more. Soon enough, that banana pen was flying across his clipboard.
Swiftly, Mario became aware of Link using his shoulder to disguise his laughter. Mario gently pushed him away. "And she gets on me about losing my tempter with that guy," he muttered, but it was in good humor- in his mind, five lost points and a week's worth of torture sessions was a bargain for being reminded in this manner just who he'd gotten his straight-man mannerisms from.
Fassad remained seated throughout the lesson- perhaps he'd realized that bullying Samus wouldn't be nearly so easy as bullying Lucario- simply taking notes and refraining from speaking up again. By the end of the class, Mario's vanishing cap had managed to make his hand disappear, definitely a plus from last week, where it was limited to a single fingernail. Link, meanwhile, attempted to startle Mario by leering at him with a vanished head. Mario, unamused, wrenched the cap off his friend and tossed it into the bin that was going around at lesson's end.
Mario was on the point of leaving when Link nudged him roughly, indicating the classroom's front, where Fassad was approaching Samus.
"So, you've held this position... how long, exactly?"
"Forty years and counting," Samus responded briskly. "Before you ask, yes, I look young for my age- what can I say? I was raised by the chozo."
"Chozo, hmm?" Fassad raised an eyebrow as he made a few swift notes on his pad. "Alright, then- I'll be sure to get your results back to you within ten days!"
"Beat still, my heart," Samus muttered. "Move along, you three!" she added, turning her head towards where Mario, Link, and Zelda were listening in. Mario couldn't help giving her a small thumbs-up, and was shocked when she threw a wink right back at him.
Mario's scenario for the rest of the day had entailed not seeing Fassad again until he turned up for detention, but a wrench was thrown into that when they approached Crazy's cabin for Smashing Creatures, only to find Fassad in discussion with Kjelle. "Now, you're only filling in for the usual teacher, is that correct?" Fassad was asking.
"That is correct," Kjelle nodded, only looking at Fassad out of the corner of her eyes. "The Crazy Hand is the usual teacher, but he was unavailable, so here I am."
Mario narrowed his eyes as he spied Bowser, Ganondorf, and Wario whispering together in their football huddle. Wave Existence knew what horror stories about Crazy they'd spill to Fassad...
"I see," Fassad nodded. "Now, the Master Hand seems reluctant to offer details on the subject, but he wouldn't happen to have told you where Crazy is, would he?"
Kjelle didn't miss a beat with her answer. "Nope. Here's what I know- I got a letter from the Hand, asking to meet him over in Kurain. Met up with him at the bar, he told me Crazy would be absent for a few months, asked if I'd like some work during that time. I said yes, he double-checked to make sure Gamer4 was getting my personality right this time, and the deal, as they say, was sealed. Honestly, I'm looking at getting a full-time position here at some point in the future- someone needs to teach the next generation about the wonders of armor."
"Armor?" Fassad blinked. "Never mind... I'll leave the rest of the class to you."
Mario stared- he knew, just knew, that Kjelle was lying about not knowing where Crazy was. Presumably, the Master Hand had sworn her to secrecy, and she was putting on a good show of ignorance, but he'd been in this business long enough to tell a truth-teller from a liar. He was guessing Fassad suspected Kjelle's falsehood as well, but wasn't willing to press any further without evidence.
Fassad adopted a new strategy this time around- instead of badgering the teacher, he walked amongst the students, asking them some basic subject-related questions, which the majority of students were able to answer promptly and correctly. Mario's heart warmed a bit- most of the knowledge requested came from things the Hand had covered, rather than Kjelle- at least they weren't letting the hand down.
"So, all that said," Fassad finally wrapped things up with one last assault on Kjelle, "you are likely in the best position to offer an unbiased viewpoint... how do you find the Smash Mansion?"
"It's fantastic," Kjelle smiled warmly. "Working here is everything I imagined it would be. No major complaints at all."
"I see." Scratching banana-pen. "In that case, pre-supposing that Crazy does not return, what do you plan for this class?"
"I don't see any reason to go beyond the basics of what you'd expect from ALBATROSS tests," Kjelle mused. "Got started on rapidashes last year, I hear Crazy wrapped it up and showed them whatevers... probably a few more non-sentient pokemon, thinking of touching on gastlies at some point, the difference between gnosis and telethia... that sort of thing."
"I see," Fassad repeated. "Well, glad to see that someone here has a good head on their shoulders."
Mario didn't like those words, and the look on Kjelle's face once Fassad's back was turned indicated she didn't care much for it either. Fassad, however, was busy- turning towards Wario. "Now, the word on the wind tells me that there have been injuries in this class?"
Mario's heart turned to ice, even more so when Bowser inevitably spoke up. "Yup, that was me, dawg. The Hand sicced that psycho of a loftwing on me hard."
"What a load of bull!" Mario burst. "Crazy didn't sic jack! Bowser just thought it would be a good idea to do exactly what Crazy repeatedly told all of us not to do!"
Link and Zelda were already wincing by the time Fassad turned to him, poisonous smile in place. "And with that, Mr. Mario, you have another detention under your belt. Good day," he added, touching his hat towards Kjelle.
"Good day," Kjelle responded, her eyes narrowed until Fassad was a blur at the top of the hill.
XXXX
Fassad kept Mario later than ever that night- it was leaning towards 2 or 3 o'clock by the time Mario was finally permitted to look away from the happy box and quickly make his way upstairs. He was glad to see Link and Zelda waiting for him, particularly when Zelda pushed a pair of pills into his hand. "What's this?" he asked curiously.
"A little concoction I was working on over the weekend," she smiled. "Take a shroom shake, leave it out overnight, throw in some raw eggs and vinegar, load it all into a capsule, and you've got the makings of a good healing power-up. Based on what Link's told me, this should help with the happy box's aftereffects."
Mario gratefully poured himself some water from the sink and tossed the pills into the back of his throat. Almost immediately, his head, which had previously felt as though it was being repeatedly whacked with a sledgehammer, ceased to hurt, his once-blurry vision came into sharper focus, and he could tell, looking in the mirror, that his ears had stopped bleeding.
"I still say you should take this to the Master Hand- or to Samus, at least," Link spoke up.
"Not gonna happen," Mario shook his head wearily as he sat down and began stroking Simba, who immediately leapt up onto his lap.
"Look, if Samus knew-"
"She wouldn't be able to do anything anyways," Mario interrupted. "Not without Fassad getting another law passed saying that any teacher complaining about her gets fired immediately."
Link looked down, seeing the logic in his words. Zelda was clenching and unclenching her fists. "This guy... this guy is terrible. Evil. Link and I were talking, and we agreed- we've got to do something."
"I said you should break that happy box over his head in your next detention, but Zelda thought that might not be the most productive route available," Link smiled at his friend.
"Because it's not," Zelda shook her head. "Even if we somehow got rid of Fassad, the government would probably just send someone worse."
"They have someone worse?" Mario raised an eyebrow.
"Well, at least, someone who'll do just as much damage," Zelda corrected herself. "We need to focus on the real problem here, and as big a smeghead as he undoubtedly is, we've already been putting up with Wolf for four years. No, the real problem here is that we're not learning anything- at this rate, like Saria and Ness were saying, the first time we actually get any practice with defense will be during the ALBATROSSes."
"Well, not much we can do about that," Link shrugged. "He's got the job, and the government's set on making sure he keeps it."
"Fassad's crossed a line," Zelda shook her head. "I'm starting to think we've reached a point, here- a point that all we can do is turn our back on the class altogether. Instead of learning from him, I think all that's left for us to do is to... well, do it ourselves."
"That's very specific, thanks for not being mysterious at all," Mario snarked.
"Learn Protection from the Evils ourselves," Zelda clarified.
"Do extra work, you mean?" Link sighed heavily. "For crying out loud, you still do all your homework like you've still got that flipping ocarina tucked away somewhere, but as for me n' Mario, we're lagging behind as is without-"
"Link," Zelda interrupted, "I know this will sound strange coming from me, but there are more important things than schoolwork."
Link stared at her. "Well, where did you get an absurd idea like that from?"
"From him!" Zelda pointed towards Mario. "He said it all last week, in our first lesson- we need to be ready for what's waiting out there! It would be important normally, but it's about a hundred times more important considering what happened in June! Do you realize what easy pickings we'd be for the starmen if we just didn't learn any self-defense for a whole year?!"
"And what, exactly, can we do on our own?" Link countered. "I mean, we could look a few things up in the library, but that's honestly not much better than-"
"You're right there," Zelda interrupted, lowering her voice and beckoning the others closer. "Learning things out of books isn't enough to cut it anymore. What we really need is a guide- someone who can show us how to do it, correct us if we smeg up- we need a teacher. Not like Fassad, a real teacher, a proper teacher."
"And who, exactly, do you have in mind?" Mario crossed his arms, still tickling Simba's nose with the tip of his finger. "The first name that comes to my mind is Fox, but of course-"
"He's unavailable," Zelda agreed. "He's got enough on his plate with Philanthropy, and the only time he'd be able to meet us is during trips to Kurain, which isn't a tenth as often as we need."
"I'm bracing myself for the punchline, here," Mario raised his eyebrow. "Who, then, are you talking about?"
Zelda turned to him, the light that had formed SOYLENT gleaming in her eyes. "There's only one person who fits every qualification we need- he's sitting in that chair, scratching Simba behind the ears."
Silence, as it seemed prone to doing lately, fell. Mario stared at her, then at Link. Back to Zelda. Back to Link. As he continued petting Simba. Backwards. The thing that disconcerted him most was that Link didn't seem exasperated, but contemplative. "You know... that might not be a half-bad idea."
"Not a half-bad idea?" Mario asked, with enough exasperation for him and Link. "Okay, guys, I get it. Very funny. Joke's over."
"Who said it was a joke?" Zelda asked. "After all, you're obviously the best at the subject in our year, if not in the entire school."
"You kidding me?" Mario asked, staring at her. "I barely scrape by, if anyone's the best, it's gotta be you."
"I'd like to think that," Zelda smiled somewhat wanly. "But not true- the one year we both sat our tests and had a teacher that wasn't Dedede, you beat me. Narrow margin, granted, still... you beat me. But even aside from academic achievement- Mario, look what you've done!"
"What I've done?"
"Weren't you shouting it at us a few chapters ago?" Link pointed out. "Do we need to recount it again? Alright, fire up the continuity train, Zelda- here we go! Year one, you take on Mewtwo, backed up by the Great Darkness, and snatch the Hylian Stone out of his grasp- almost literally."
"Through dumb luck, yeah," Mario objected.
"Year two, you take down a Giga Koopa and the memory of George Locke..."
"Because Wright and Jon turned up at the last second!"
"Year three, you save Strider and Epona, and wrap everything up by fighting off a little over nine thousand floows at once..."
"Thanks to Zelda and the ocarina of time!"
"And not six months ago, you took on the Great Darkness himself- and won!"
"Listen!" Mario shouted, lowering his voice when they recoiled slightly. "Listen- it sounds great and all when you say it like that, but you're making it out like I was more skilled than I actually was. The only reason I got out of those situations was through dumb luck, not because I actually planned ahead and had the slightest idea what I was doing! I just did what seemed best at the time, and through dumb luck, had a shield protecting me from Tabuu, or had a ghost deliver a sword, or my hat didn't want to fight Tabuu's oval- battery- eye- thing! AND IF YOU KEEP LAUGHING, THIS WHOLE MANSION'S GOING UP IN SMOKE TONIGHT!"
He'd been getting increasingly frustrated at the smirks growing on his friend's faces, but he snapped at hearing them actually beginning to chortle. He slammed his fists into the arms of the chair, leaping to his feet, scaring Simba off behind a nearby dresser.
"You seem to have this idea in your head that you can practice a few moves in the classroom, get a good grade in class, and all of a sudden, you're ready to take on the Great Darkness? Wrong! This isn't some stupid examination or assessment! We're talking real world, life and death being one second apart, and you're carrying a lump of flesh that used to be your best friend over your shoulder because that psycho just zapped him with his wings! No one's ever taught us that in class, no one could teach us that in class! And you're sitting there like you know so much better, cheering on the brave, heroic pyromancer who succeeded where the stupid, hairy ape failed-"
"Is that what this is about?" Link asked. "We weren't trying to make fun of DK, we know that's a sore spot with you-"
"For good reason!" Mario burst. "Between people saying I killed him, or that he tripped over his own flipping shoelaces- he died for me! He died trying to protect me from that freak of nature, and now for you to sit here and say, 'ah, well, it's his fault for not knowing enough?!'"
Zelda, moving towards the verge of tears, spoke up. "That's not it, Mario! We know Donkey Kong was a great smasher, we weren't trying to say otherwise! It's just- you're right, we don't have a clue what it's like to be in a situation like that! But that's why we need to know! We need to know what it's like to be there, to be fighting T... Ta... Tabuu..."
Barring flubs on Gamer4's part, this was the first time Mario had heard Zelda refer to Tabuu by name- it threw him off so much he collapsed back into the chair, finally noticing the scratches in his leg where Simba had taken off from. He stared at her, his mouth open.
Zelda recovered, wiping her eyes quickly, before facing him head-on. "Please... just think about it. Just consider it... please."
Mario, still dumbstruck, nodded. Zelda rose to her feet, grunting slightly. "Well... thank you. I'm off to bed before one of you gets another brilliant idea to get us killed- or worse, expelled."
She smiled, a smile that overflowed into Mario and Link, giving a light chuckle at the memory. With that, Zelda was gone.
"Well, I think I'll turn in, to," Link nodded. "Coming?"
"Give me a minute or two," Mario spoke gently, already feeling his throat scratch up from his yelling earlier. Link shrugged and ascended the stairs to the dorm, leaving Mario staring into the hub's fire, turning over everything that had happened in the past couple of days. He got to bed much later than he'd have liked, and when he woke up the next morning, it was to a scar keen on letting him know that danger was still afoot.
XXXX
*This may or may not come back in a few chapters.
**Inspired by a dream of mine the other night. Do not compete with me in the 'strangest-dream' contest. You will lose.
Alright, finally wrapping this up after far too long. That said, the next chapter is going to get us started on that portion of the book. You know the one. I've been looking forward to this one for a while. Hoping to get it up before another month-and-a-half pass, but I won't make any promises- that would be a way to guarantee it won't be up before 2017. In the meantime, please R&R, constructive criticism and questions embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!