Gamer4 in. Well, between the nice walk I just took, having seen Fabls again for the first time in six months, and having a cold can of my favorite flavor of Mountain Dew at my side for the first time in even longer, I'm happy enough now to dampen my spirits with this chapter. Enough putting it off- let's just dive right in. I know I'm usually more enthusiastic than this, but... well, you'll see. If you haven't guessed already.
Disclaimer: We were singin' "Bye, bye, Ms. American Pie! Drove my chevy to the levy but the levy was dry! Them good ol' boys was drinkin' whisky and rye, singin' 'This'll be the day that I die... this'll be the day that I die...'"
Chapter XIX
The Crushing, Ruinous Defeat
"Come on, come on, we almost be dere..."
"G...G... Goriiiii..."
"He be wit us, buddy, we almost dere- me already be seein' it out da corner my eyes!"
"L...l...l...looooooooooove!"
XXXX
"Nice going, Zelda, very nice going," Mario grumbled.
"I already said I was sorry!" Zelda objected. "It seemed like a good idea at the time!"
"Shooting Link seemed like a good idea?! Do you have any idea what you've done?!"
"No, I don't," Zelda crossed her arms. "What, pray tell, have I done, exactly?"
Mario struggled, at a loss for words for a moment, before simply shaking his head, reaching up to wrench off the NERF dart attached to his forehead. Around it was a piece of paper upon which were inscribed the words Leave me the smeg alone! "Give me a minute, I'm sure I'll think of something..."
Link, meanwhile, was rolling on the floor laughing. "Now that is entertaining!" he chortled. "Glad you took that bullet for me, buddy!"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Mario muttered. "See if I ever knock on your door to let you know about my plans for the Brigade again... where did you even get this idea?"
"Simba told me to do it," Zelda shrugged. "And gave me the gun, too," she added, producing the NERF revolver in question.
Mario stared, then shook his head. "Whatever- you're just lucky I'm so happy with the way the Brigade is going right now..."
And indeed he was, said the Narrator, glad to finally be getting a word in edgewise. The knowledge of the steps he and the others were taking to defy Fassad was forming a sort of shield around him, and impenetrable barrier that none of Fassad's drilling speeches could begin to pierce. The fact that Fassad seemed to half-realize that something was keeping Mario safe from those speeches, allowing him to smile no matter what levels of bull the faux-Arab brought up against him, but had no proof and no way of pinning him for it just made him feel even better. He'd long since traded out the cover of Anita Sarkeesian's crud-dripping text with his own notebook, allowing him to actually make use of Protection from the Evils classes writing down bits and pieces about what was going on during meetings, fragments of plans for upcoming meetings, and definite notes of turning points among the students- Luigi steadily climbing the ranks, almost Magikarp-like in how he started off at the bottom of the ladder, and yet had managed to defeat Lucina in single combat a meeting or two ago... Saria's rising skill in taking out the stalfos doll, to the extent that they'd had to ask the Debug Room for a new one... Pichu managing to fire off a lightning bolt without causing damage to himself at last...
The thought, incidentally, had occurred to him that things would be disastrous should Fassad get his hands on this book, to which end he had Zelda put a spell on it- if Fassad looked at it, it simply looked like a copy of that ridiculous book with Mario's notes all over it- not saying anything Fassad would approve of, but nothing incriminating either.
The most difficult thing about the Brigade was sorting out dates to meet that fit everyone's schedules- with members from all four groups, there were quite a few different timetables to accommodate. While this was a good thing- like he'd said earlier, it made it more difficult for anyone watching to work out exactly what was going on- it also came with the detriment that... well, they could hardly all be seen interacting too often, lest Fassad become suspicious. As was wont to happen, it was Zelda who'd come up with the solution- their third meeting found her handing out what appeared to be bottles of soda, but were, on closer inspection, filled only with color-dyed water. "These are very special bottles," she explained. "Those numbers under the barcodes- I have the ability to change them, and whenever Mario works out when the next meeting will happen, he'll tell me, and I'll change the numbers on mine. I managed to use a special spell on these bottles- the numbers on one change, they all change- all to show you what date the next meeting is!"
"How will we know they've changed?" Lucas asked, eyes wide as he examined what appeared to be a bottle of Diet Dr. Pepper.
"There'll be a splashing sound, and the color will change," Zelda explained. "The splash should be quiet enough that only you can hear it, if you're carrying it around, but keep an eye on the color, just to be on the safe side."
A long silence followed, eventually broken by Klavier Gavin. "This... this is some extremely advanced smashing, baby... as in, the kind of thing that most wouldn't be doing until Junior Year, advanced."
"Well, yeah, I guess..." Zelda blushed.
"I find it rather... interesting... that you didn't find yourself in Retro," Tharja murmured, drumming her long nails against her bottle of Pitch Black Mountain Dew. Mario struggled not to take the opportunity to ask which group, exactly, the dark sorceress was from.
"Well, actually, the FLUDD considered it," Zelda shrugged. "But I told it I was more interested in Nintendo, and- well, I don't know, I guess it just made a concession for me."
Now that, Mario found interesting- Zelda had never told him this. That story was surprisingly familiar- albeit with Sierra instead of Retro...
XXXX
One meeting, probably their sixth or seventh, Mario regretfully informed the Brigade that they were going on hiatus- after a heated debate between himself and Kumatora, he'd eventually agreed that Smash-Up was more immediately important. For the most part, they understood- the Smash-Up circuit this year was more rife with intrigue than ever before, considering it had been passed over the previous year. Retro and Hal had as much riding on this first match as Nintendo and Sierra did- after all, they'd eventually be playing the victor as well. Several of the teachers were struggling to conceal their own biases, but they were still apparent to a close enough observer- after all, Samus Aran didn't pass over giving her students homework without raising an eyebrow or two. While she'd initially given an excuse regarding something about tensions riding high at the moment, she'd also pulled Mario aside. "I've given you the time, now it's up to you to use it wisely, Mario," she spoke, dead serious. "I've gotten accustomed to seeing that trophy in my office- I don't want to hand it over to Wolf, you hear?"
As for Wolf himself... well, what did you expect? At least Samus was trying to be subtle about things- Wolf had never minded making his prejudices known far and wide- he'd been reserving the Smash-Up stadium so often that, despite her pushing for ever more frequent practices, it was getting harder and harder for Kumatora to get them into the ring. Whenever they were out there, Mario kept feeling like he was being watched, turning to see a strange student he didn't recognize quickly vanishing- the only feature he could capture was a deep blue hair that put him in mind of Lucina- but it couldn't be, the rest of the build was all wrong, and besides, Lucina didn't seem to shift spontaneously between male and female, while Robin's hair was white. Mario didn't know if he was going insane, or what- though, of course, he felt he'd been steadily sliding into madness ever since leaving that old shack with Crazy five years ago.
The mysterious figure aside, Mario felt pretty optimistic about Nintendo's chances- everyone was on top form, and they had yet to actually lose a match to the Sierra team as was. True, Link was never going to top Captain Falcon- not that anyone ever could- but when he was at top form, he was a close second.
But that was the problem- when he was at top form. Yeah, he could block goal after goal from Yukiko, Paula, and even Kumatora when he was really on top of things- however, all it took was one mistake to sap him of his confidence, and he was missing every single shot from everyone for the rest of the practice. That said, when he was concentrating properly, some of the saves he'd made had been compared to some of the plays by defenders in the Smash-Up Grand Prix.
Mario had been biting his nails as Halloween drew closer and closer- there had yet to be a Halloween at the Smash Mansion that things didn't go terribly awry at- snorlaxes breaking into the school, the Dungeon of Secrets opening, a crazed killer attacking Rosalina, and his friendship with Link almost being irreparably damaged. However, he breathed a sigh of relief as he woke up on All Soul's Day, as nothing remotely bad had happened the previous night- unless one counted the early afternoon, during which he'd been shot in the forehead by Zelda using a NERF gun, apparently under the impression that he was Link, and the aftermath of which has already been shown.
So, finally, we claw our way back to the starting line- early November, during which Earth made it very clear that it was tilting the mansion away from the sun now- the skies were perpetually gray, rain and sleet became an increasingly common occurrence, and Mario began to long for those days gone by in which Crazy would float around the lawn with a giant pair of earmuffs on. Most students were donning heavier and heavier clothes- and by 'most students,' we mean 'students that weren't a mustachioed pyromancer or his closest friends.'
At long last, the day of the match arrived. Mario awoke from a good night's sleep, only to find Link at the dorm window, looking as though he was seriously considering breaking the glass and leaping out. Mario gently reached out and patted him on the shoulder before climbing into his clothes. "I know it'll be difficult, buddy, but try to force something down at breakfast, a'ight? You won't do anyone any favors if you go out there with low blood sugar."
"I... I'll try..." Link forced out, gagging on the words.
The Dining Hall was much rowdier than normal- every student seemed to be yelling praise or abuse at the team of their choice. Mario's first instinct was to push Link as far away from Sierra as possible, but he got distracted when he caught another glimpse of that strange blue-haired student, skulking around at that very table. By sheer instinct, he moved towards him/her/ he couldn't even tell at this point, Link trailing behind, unwilling to leave his friend's side at the moment. Mario only stopped when he was distracted by what appeared to be rapping- very bad rapping, but rapping nonetheless. He only caught a few words- "Link Faron, 2012!"
Whatever the flip that meant, it couldn't be good, not coming from the Sierras- he grabbed Link's shoulders and, all thoughts of the blue-haired kid forgotten, steered him back towards the Nintendo table where, to his surprise, Luigi waited, looking just as pale and shaken as Link did.
"Why, why did I ever think I could..." both green-clad boys spoke at the same time- Mario looked back and forth in confusion at the stereo gloom coming at him. Focusing on the problem he was actually familiar with, he slid Link some cheerios- not super flavorful, but potentially easier on an upset stomach- along with some milk and ginger ale. "Relax- everyone here's on your side."
"Which will make it even worse when I let them down," Link muttered hopelessly, pouring some cheerios into a bowl, grabbing the milk, filling a glass, and finally pouring ginger ale all over his cereal. Oblivious to Mario wincing, he grabbed a spoon and took his first bite of ginger-ale-soaked cheerios, simply sighing as he chewed and swallowed.
"You're not going to let them down," Mario spoke firmly. "Didn't you hear Kirby and Meta the other day? You're even starting to impress them, and they don't impress easily!"
"Through a bunch of flukes," Link shook his head hopelessly. "When we go out there, it'll be the real thing..."
"I know this'll sound weird coming from me," came a new voice, drawing their attention to the approaching Peach and Zelda, both in their 'Nintendo-team-fan' uniforms, "but come on, Link, you're selling yourself short! It's just nerves talking!"
"Exactly," Zelda agreed. "I mean, nerves are healthy to an extent, but don't let them fool you into thinking you've got nothing to offer!"
At long last, Luigi glanced up, only to let out a strangled yelp and dive under the table. Mario and Zelda exchanged confused looks, before their eyes caught Melia Antiqua approaching, and... wow. "Good morning," she greeted them, formal as ever- completely at odds with the bizarre mish-mash of red and gold that was her clothing- complete with a lion's tail protruding from her rear end, a mane around her neck, and cat ears atop her head.
"Um... Melia, what exactly..." Mario stammered, not even sure how to ask.
"I'm supporting Nintendo," she explained.
Mario closed his eyes. "Yeah, that's... that's the message I was getting. Why the- how- why would- you know what, never mind."
"Never mind indeed," Melia nodded. "As long as I'm getting the message across, I am satisfied. Anyways, has anyone seen Luigi?"
Mario felt a tugging at his leg and glanced down to see Luigi fervently shaking his head from side to side. Focusing back on Melia, he shook his head as well. "Sorry, no- haven't seen him since we got up."
"Pity," Melia shrugged. "And after he asked me if I would like to be friends with him... I had something important to speak with him about. Anyways, good luck, Link Faron- may the forefathers of the High Entia grace you on the Smash-Up field today."
Everyone stared as she strode off, seemingly off to speak to Klavier Gavin, a few benches down, who smiled and showed something off on his shoulder. Shaking his head, Mario turned back to Luigi. "What was all that about, Lu?"
"She scares me," Luigi trembled as he climbed back into his seat.
"She's not scary," Peach stared. "She's one of the sweetest people in the mansion!"
"Yeah, but... I don't know... what if..." Luigi continued trembling.
"Leave him be, Peach," Mario shook his head, caressing Luigi's shoulder gently. "Leave him be."
"Hey, guys, ready to play?" That was Paula- a quick turnaround revealed her and Yukiko standing there, the latter looking about as nervous as Link. "Kumatora wants us down on the field ASAP- something about taking stock of the situation."
"Alright, go ahead, tell her we'll be there," Mario nodded. "Just need to get something in Link's stomach..."
Paula nodded and led Yukiko away, but a few minutes later, Mario finally surrendered- past that first bite of Ginger-os, Link simply refused to take anything else into his digestive system. Sighing, Mario stood, tapped him on the shoulder, and led him out of the hall, passing Melia speaking quietly with Lucas Ikari, who was giving a faint smile and showing off something on the back of his hand.
All the leaves were brown, and the skies were grey. It was bracing to Mario, going for a walk on a Winter's day. Link looked like he was ready to stop into a church they passed along the way, you know, to get down on his knees and begin to pray. But he didn't- okay, receiving death threats from Mario if I continue waxing lyrical (been a while since that last happened) so we'll continue with the story proper.
By the time they arrived in the locker rooms, Kumatora was already giving her pre-match pep talk- a talk that sounded suspiciously similar to the ones that Captain Falcon was always giving.
"Glad to see you, Mario," she nodded curtly as they entered. "Alright, so, I've finally got the list of students on Vaati's team this year. Looks pretty much the same as last year- only changed out the brawlers, given that Gangrel and Walhart both took off for greener pastures. They've been replaced by two students named... Ganondorf and Wario. Don't know much about them- but I'm guessing Mario does?" she added, glancing at where Mario was doubled over, struggling to keep the laughter inside. Some of the color was even restored to Link's face.
"Oh, yeah, those two and us go waaaaaay back," Mario nodded, still shaking with repressed mirth- he didn't want Kumatora to think he considered this an excuse to slack off. "Don't worry, they just got onto the team through the same nepotism as usual- they're Bowser's cronies."
"So we don't have much to worry about?" Kumatora crossed her arms.
"No more than we would from Gangrel and Walhart," Mario shrugged. "If you could outwit them, you'll outdo those two just fine."
From outside, they could hear the sound of Teddy Ellay preparing to give his usual commentary. Kumatora glanced up. "Alright, guys, it's go-time," she spoke grimly. The team gathered behind her and followed her out.
On the field, they all mounted their karts and started them up. Across the field was the Sierra Team, Ganondorf and Wario already brandishing their super scopes threateningly. Vaati, Smash-Up captain for the past five years despite his apparent complete inability to pass Senior year (he should have graduated during Mario's second year) stood at the forefront, easily the shortest member of the team, flipping his long hair around, allowing it to catch the sunlight.
A cloud descended upon them- a cloud containing Coach Lakitu, the referee, who dropped a crate at their feet, opening it up and releasing the Smash Ball first and foremost. Next came the Chain Chomps, as the stadium around them morphed, several ramps appearing all over the place, some of which converged to form tunnels. One of the smaller stadiums Mario had seen, but he still had no doubt things were about to get hectic.
As he floated down to take the Smash-Up ball, Lakitu spoke. "Team captains, shake hands." Kumatora obligingly stepped forward and shook hands with Vaati, who gripped as hard as he could- but it didn't seem to have much effect on Kumatora, who simply squeezed right back.
Lakitu floated in the air, lowering a traffic light on a fishing line. The red light lit, then the yellow, then, at long last...
The green!
Everyone took off at once, Link heading for the goals, Yukiko and Paula bull rushing the Sierra team's offense in search of the Smash-Up ball, and the twin puffballs seeking out the chain chomps. Mario, meanwhile, aimed to avoid the action, simply keeping an eye out for that small, multicolored sphere.
"Alright, off to a great start, first Smash-Up match since that heartstopping finale a couple years back. Right of the bat, Yukiko Amagi grabs the Smash-Up ball- very attractive, ain't I right, fellas? Sixth year at this mansion, third year of me asking her out, and she still doesn't even recognize that that's what I'm asking!"
"Teddy Ellay, you will give accurate commentary for once in your life this match, or so help me-"
"Come on, Ms. Aran, whatcha got against trivia? Makes the match more interesting! Alright, alright, fine... anyways, Ganondorf seems to have gotten off a shot at her- that chomp had to hurt. Vaati's got the ball, taking off the other way- another chomp, this time from Kirby Faron- great guy, really great guy, he and I go way back- Paula Polestar snags the ball, takes off back past the field."
Mario listened as close to the commentary as he could without losing sight of his mission- he had to find that Smash Ball.
"She is tearing up the field out there- what do you expect, though, she's one of the oldest members of the team! And what's that? Is that a cheer I hear? Mayhap I should lend an ear!"
Chuckling at his rhyme, he kicked back the commentary to listen in to the chanting coming mainly from Sierra's end of the stadium- the extremely poor rapping Mario had noted earlier.
Link Faron, 2012!
Yeah, he is the baddest of them all!
If you're on the rival team, then he don't mess with y'all!
He may not get the girls, 'cause he ain't very tall,
but he'll let the offense in when they come to call!
"And Paula tosses the ball to Kumatora!" Teddy raised his voice. Mario froze- so that was what that rapping was about. Not only were they ripping someone else off, but they were doing it purely to spite Link. "Kumatora's got a clear shot, only the defense between her and the goal- she shoots, she- smeg!"
Kumatora made her shot, but the defense managed to swat the ball out of the air, knocking it into Vaati's hands. Sierra had a field day-
Losers, morons, and wollywogs galore!
I don't even want to leave the hub no more!
Some of the lamest things we've ever seen!
You know what we mean- Nintendo!
Mario groaned- now they weren't even bothering to keep the rhyme scheme. He turned, heart beating in his throat as the ball drew closer and closer to Link- and went right past him into the goal.
"Link misses, Sierra scores," Teddy groaned. "Twenty-love to Sierra. Bad luck there, Link..."
Not if Sierra had anything to say about it:
He's Link flipping Faron, the worst defense ever!
He's so darn cool, said no one ever!
But we think you're our hero, and our offense does too!
Faron, if you want, just let in all our crew!
Mario was in physical pain- they'd just rhymed a word with itself. Focusing his fury, he took off once more in search of the Smash Ball. That said, it wasn't easy to block out the sounds of terrible rapping still coming from Sierra.
It's a fight to the finish, a battle the death!
The only one who leaves is the last one left!
He's the worst of the worst, the lamest of the lame,
Link Faron will make sure Sierra takes this game!
Two whole lines ripped verbatim from the original song. Mario's blood was truly beginning to boil.
"Vaati's got the ball, gets taken out by Kirby- or Meta, he's not wearing his headband today, I can't tell- he drops it, Paula rushes up and- also drops it... Vaati's poised to strike again, it's on you, Link!"
Faron, a koopa could dance better than you!
Betcha you don't know two plus two!
It's four, it's four, now go and shut the door!
No one wants to see your face no more!
Mario didn't dare look again, lest he get distracted from his objective again, but he didn't to- the groan from Nintendo's supporters told him everything he needed to know. Teddy- "Forty-jack, Sierra..."
Mario shook his head. They were still in it to win it. He'd known this team to recover from much worse than this.
But as the score shifted to seventy-thirty, favor Sierra, his confidence began to drain. Then again, an extra fifty points- catching the Smash Ball now could still tilt things in their favor...
Eventually, inevitably, Vaati ended up with the ball again, and was ready to take Link on for another goal. There came another song-
Weaker than a flail, slower than a snail,
Got beat up by everybody in jail!
Faron, go ahead, try and punch me!
Your arm is so weak, you'll say 'Ow! You crunched me!'
But Mario was breathing a sigh of relief- finally time for those stupid songs to end- he'd seen the Smash Ball, albeit at the opposite end of the stadium. Either way, time to end this. He turned and took off towards it, Bowser hot on his tail. He had to be quick- if Vaati scored, it was all over...
But he didn't. The next second, the Smash Ball was in his hand, Bowser letting out a roar of fury as his claws scraped at the back of Mario's hand. Mario turned and took off away from him. Finally, it was over- Kumatora would probably give Link an earful, but in the long run, it didn't matter, nobody else cared, not as long as Nintendo won-
*WHACK!*
Ganondorf had done Mario the pleasure of doing a drive-by- and whacking him in the back of the head with the butt of his super scope as he did so. With Ganondorf's strength behind it, he toppled out of his kart, which immediately began to slow as it took off away from him, eventually coming to a stop next to a nearby ramp. Mario, meanwhile, could already feel the loony-toons style lump forming on his head. Through the haze of pain, he could hear the outrage coming from everybody in the stands. Then, a voice- Kumatora's.
"You alright there?"
"Yeah- though, Kumatora, I have to ask- when did you get two twin sisters?"
Kumatora gave a slight chuckle. "Very funny. Come on, you've taken worse than this before."
"Unfortunately," Mario grumbled, accepting Kumatora's shoulder.
"Yeah," Kumatora shrugged. "Never really considered the effects that saving the world on a yearly basis had on Smash-Up skills. Well, whatever- we won!"
"Exaggeratin' a bit there, aintcha, homy?" came a very displeased-sounding voice, drawing their attention to a nearby Bowser Dragmire. "Good thing it wasn't up to Faron, or we'd be at the head of the Circuit right now, ain't it so? How'd you like my songs?"
"You mean Froggy Fresh's songs?"* Mario snarled.
"He was just a creative consultant," Bowser shrugged.
"Yeah, the way J.K. Rowling is a creative consultant to Gamer4," Kumatora snarled back, leaving Bowser momentarily stunned. "Come on, Mario, let's get going."
"It's just a shame nothing rhymes with hideous- otherwise we could have brought his mother into it!" Bowser called out.
"Y'see? No he's stooping to Yo Mama jokes," Kumatora pointed out.
"Same for 'complete failure'- though I guess going after his old man would kinda be low-hangin' fruit!"
That was the point that a passing Kirby and Meta Knight heard what was going on- a truly ugly look spread over their faces.
"Stand down, you two," Kumatora ordered. "He's just a yipping dog at this point-"
"Oh, sorry 'bout that, Mario, I forgot you like those losers!" Bowser smirked. "Head over to their doggy den every chance you get, dontcha? Then again, you were brought up by muggles- even their place must seem like paradise after that!"
At which the entire rest of the Smash-Up team united in holding back Kirby and Meta Knight- Mario and Kumatora holding back Meta, Paula and Yukiko holding back Kirby.
"Or could it be," Bowser spoke as an afterthought, "that it's guilt over what happened to that hairy ape last year? Yeah, the smell of their pigsty must remind you of that unevolved, idiotic gori-"
And there went his berserk button- Mario didn't care what happened, nobody badmouthed the smasher who'd saved his life. He let go of Meta, causing Kumatora to lose her grip, and the two of them pounced on Bowser, even as Kumatora yelled for them to stop. Fire flew, a sword swung, Bowser was inhaled, spit out, and had his own flaming breath used against him, Mario punched several gold coins out of his long-time nemesis...
"CEASE AND DESIST!" came a frantic shout, Bowser's assailants were wrenched back by some sort of force around their middles- Coach Lakitu's fishing line. After a few more moments of flailing, he and Meta finally laid limp. Lakitu was raging, fury written into his face. "What in the name of Pac-Man?! What have you done?! I have never- this is above and beyond- Samus's office! Now!"
Mario and Meta glanced at each other, then at the field, and wordlessly did as Lakitu had ordered. Once they were out of earshot of the stadium, dead silence fell- neither spoke to the other. Mario felt something warm in his hand, and glanced down to see the Smash Ball still there, struggling for release from his hand- but he only clenched tighter.
They'd been sitting in Samus's office for approximately three nanoseconds before the door burst open with the force of a hurricane, Samus standing behind it with what seemed to be an ominous light about her- Mario could almost hear the ominous organ music playing as his eyes traced the pure, unadulterated rage in her eyes. Taking a seat across from them, she spoke in a quiet voice that nonetheless adeptly conveyed her fury. "You have thirty seconds to improve my mood. Use them wisely."
Mario hung his head- he knew it in no way justified what they'd done, but it was all he could say. "He- he provoked us."
"And you didn't expect that?!" Samus raged. "This is Bowser smegging Dragmire we're talking about- after he'd lost a Smash-Up match! What could he have possibly said to justify what you did?!"
"He insulted my parents, and Donkey Kong," Meta spoke shortly.
Samus faltered slightly on hearing Donkey Kong's name, but in the long run, it only cooled her down a degree or two- kind of like firing a squirt gun at the sun. "Despicable, of course, but nothing that couldn't have been left to Coach Lakitu! You turned the holy sanctuary of the Smash-Up field into a battleground!"
"Nwe-hem!"
Mario's heart failed- that sound was never followed by anything good. Slowly, he and Meta turned to face the doorway, where Fassad awaited, flashing a wide grin. "I believe I may be of assistance in this matter, my dear Ms. Aran."
If anything could have made Samus angrier, it was this. "No, Mr. Yokuba, I think I'm perfectly capable of handling my students on my own. As such, Mario, Meta, a week's worth of detentions each. And needless to say, if I ever- what do you want, Fassad?!"
For he had once again made that crud-eating laugh. "Well, I just couldn't help but feel, Ms. Aran, that an infraction of this magnitude merits a punishment a tad above and beyond mere detention."
"Very helpful, thank you very much, I'll take it under advisement," Samus growled. "However, given that they're in my group- and you don't exactly have a group to be head of- that's all your opinion is worth in this situation."
"Perhaps," Fassad shrugged. One crud-eating grin later, he added, "Perhaps not. You see, a new rule has come out today, courtesy of Andrew- er, Mr. President."
"Oh, good, another rule," Samus grumbled.
"Indeed," Fassad nodded. "And this one is all thanks to you- after you went behind my back and had the Master Hand overrule me, I realized that a little more authority in my hands may be what this school needs. After all, you seem somewhat... blind to the dangers of handing your students everything on a silver platter- just observe what happened when you forced me to allow the Nintendo Smash-Up team to continue playing! As such, from this day forward, all punishments, penalties, and other disciplinary actions for any problematic behavior- as well as the definition of what qualifies as problematic- falls under my purview. And, in my point of view, the penalty for this infraction should be no less than..."
Mario gazed hard at the floor, waiting for the blow to fall.
"... A lifetime ban from playing Smash-Up."
"What?!" Mario asked, eyes flying up- not even in his worst nightmares...
"Indeed, I think that a lifetime ban from ever setting hindquarters to kart seat will be just the bitter pill to keep something like this from happening. Should you ever play so much as two-player Smash-Up in a backyard, it will be within the government's power to arrest you and send you to Subspace without trial." Fassad grinned wider than ever. "I believe we should also extend this to the marshmallow's brother- after all, it is not for lack of trying he did not join in in that frightful display of toxic masculinity against poor Mr. Dragmire. But as for the rest- well, we'll see how well they get on without half of their team, shan't we?"
Fassad bowed lightly. "And with that, I bid you adieu." He began to laugh even as he left the room, leaving three truly stunned smashers in his wake. "Nwehehehehe... nwehehehehehe... NWEHEHEHEHEHEHE!"
XXXX
"That's a load of bull!" Peach raged upon hearing the news, channeling her inner Faron as she summoned a Dragonball Z scouter just to crush it in her hand. "And after what Ganondorf did?"
"Oh, don't worry, Ganondorf got punished," Yukiko spoke up, looking sulkier than ever. "Fassad gave him lines- Vaati was bragging about it at dinner."
Mario glanced out the window, the dreary rain perfectly matching his mood. There was a handful of colorful dust in his hand that had once been the Smash Ball- crushed into a fine powder when he'd been dealt this worst of all blows.
"I...I... I'm going to bed," Kumatora forced out. "If anyone hears a thumping from my room, followed by bleeding from under my mattress... do me a favor and just leave me to it."
Paula glanced up with concern as she watched her captain head upstairs. Looking at the others, she shook her head. "Leave her to me..."
One by one, everyone filtered out of the hub, until only Mario and Zelda were left, waiting for Link to reappear- he'd vanished after the match, and had yet to be seen by anyone since.
At long last, Rosalina's painting swung forward, and in came Link, soaking as much as if he'd been swimming in lake Delfino. He hadn't even bothered to change out of his uniform.
"Link!" Zelda jumped to her feet. "Where were you?"
"On a walk," Link muttered despondently, crossing to his chair and flopping down. "Mario... I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."
"What for?" Mario asked, raising an eyebrow.
"For thinking I had any place on the Smash-Up team," Link shook his head. "I'm talking to Kumatora tomorrow- I'm going to resign."
"Don't do that," Mario shook his head. "If you do, Kumatora'll have to run trials for a new defender, too!"
"'Too?'" Link repeated, looking confused.
"Long story short, Kirby, Meta and I aren't allowed near karts- ever again."
The look on Link's face begged for the full story, so Mario gave it. Link sank lower and lower the more he heard. "No... this is... this is my fault..."
"No, it's not," Mario shook his head, oblivious to Zelda rising to her feet, suddenly very interested with something outside the window. "Not unless you some how mind-controlling me into beating Bowser to a bloody pulp."
"Not directly," Link shook his head hopelessly. "But it was me who gave him the ammo to taunt you..."
"Nooooo, he'd have done it anyways."
Link sighed. "Say what you will, but I think this is legit the worst I've felt in my life."
"We should make a club," Mario muttered. "Start wearing leather jackets..."
When Zelda spoke up, her voice had an odd sort of glee in it- a tone that threw the two boys off immensely. "Well, I'll bet you five gold coins I can bring a smile to both your faces with just two words."
"Two words?" Mario asked skeptically. "Bet on."
"Alright, here we go," Zelda turned, counting the words on her hand. "Crazy's back."
XXXX
*I direct you to a series of Youtube music videos by Froggy Fresh, previously known as Krispy Kreme. It may sound bad at first, but honestly, it comes off more as a parody of rapping than anything, and if you watch them through that lense, they're truly enjoyable.
Well, this chapter is dark- probably one of my least favorite in the series- but at least there's a faint light on the horizon! Next chapter, Crazy finally comes back! Yeah, finally! I've probably mentioned before that he's my favorite character to write for, and that still holds true. Needless to say, you can expect the next chapter soon (not as soon as this chapter, because seriously, one day? More than I ever thought possible from me!) But, at least by the end of next week. Hope you guys are looking forward to it as much as I am, and to let me know, please R&R, constructive criticism embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!