All I Ever Wanted Was to Stand Beside You: Costa Rica to the Ishmael, and Then Some: A How They Fell Apart & How They Came Back Together Story

Summary:

Reunion. Marriage. Travel + the year of honeymoons. Excessive fluff. Physical separation + sadness. Divorce. Abject misery. The Pit of Despair. An (eco)-pirate? Reunion (again). Reconciliation. A sunset. Reacquaintance. Romance. Fluff. Even more excessive fluff. Really just enormously excessive amounts of fluff. (Re)marriage. Another sunset. Happily ever after.

True love has never been smooth sailing.

This story takes our two lovely science nerds from Costa Rica to Paris, with several stops along the way; to the Pit of Despair; to Las Vegas and to San Diego; and to quite an extended reunion. There are two marriages and definitely one very happily-ever-after ending. And did I mention the fluff-to-angst ratio is about 14 to 1? (I did the math.)

A/N:

Disclaimer: I love them, but I don't own them. Many thanks to all the folks at CSI, especially JF and WP, for all the amusement they have given me.

Rating: Mature T, for adult situations and very occasional salty language. No violence.

Spoilers: Through to the end of "Immortality" (16).

AO3 version: This story is also being posted on AO3. The cover art is being posted on Tumblr.

I started working on this series of stories almost exactly a year ago (the final days of June 2022) and started posting the first one (on AO3) exactly nine months ago. This isn't the last story (there are four more, but they're more like short epilogues), but it is the longest. You totally don't have to have read the previous stories to follow this one (it is canon, after all), but I happen to think those stories are cute, too, if you get the chance. (No bias here, obviously.) In the last stages of editing, I started adding epigraphs to all the chapters (a girl has to amuse herself somehow), so just skip those if they're not your thing.

This story has kind of an odd structure. The first third is Costa Rica and the year of honeymoons; then there's a very thin layer of intense despair (you all know how this story goes); then the last two thirds are "Immortality," an eventual second wedding, and (what I hope is) a very happy ending. I see the first third as a literal journey and the last two thirds as maybe something of an emotional journey. Several times I considered splitting this into two separate stories, but I really felt like these tales needed to be told together.

The story outline is as follows:

Chapter 1: Introduction + the San Diego docks (2015).

Chapters 2-7: Costa Rica + the year of honeymoons (2009). Mildly travelogue-y. A literal journey.

Chapters: 8-10:* Divorce + the pit of despair (2009-2015). Did I mention the misery?

Chapter 11: Immortality + a reunion (2015).

Chapters 12-28: Reconciliation + reacquaintance + remarriage (2015). Fluff, fluffity-fluff-fluff, fluff. Almost bottle-episode-like in parts. Plus wedding good times. More of an emotional journey (I hope).

*Honestly, these are mini chapters—under 3000 words for all three combined—all to be posted at the same time, and I will definitely give a very clear warning when they are coming up.

The story starts by flashing forward to the San Diego docks, before Grissom has made his "Immortality" return to Las Vegas, so (assuming I've achieved what I set out to do) the introductory chapter is quite sad, but then we immediately move back to the fluffiness of Costa Rica and the year of honeymoons starting in chapter two (which I will also be posting today).

Overall, the story has (for my tastes!) lots of travel, reunion, and wedding good times, so I hope you'll enjoy it! 💕

Preface:

"I'm romantic—a sentimental person thinks things will last—a romantic person hopes against hope that they won't. Sentiment is emotional."

– F. Scott Fitzgerald, This Side of Paradise.

"I'm not sentimental—I'm as romantic as you are. The idea, you know, is that the sentimental person thinks things will last—the romantic person has a desperate confidence that they won't."

– F. Scott Fitzgerald, This Side of Paradise.

"True love is the greatest thing in the world—except for a nice MLT—mutton, lettuce, and tomato sandwich, where the mutton is nice and lean and the tomatoes are ripe. They're so perky. I love that."

– Miracle Max (Billy Crystal), in The Princess Bride.

Based on F. Scott's definition, as above, this writer is a sentimentalist, not a romantic. I've tried not to stray too much into being overly sentimental, but it's a thin line; I think everyone draws it in a somewhat different place; and, truth be told, I know I've crossed my own line in a few places anyway. But I'm okay with that, because I love them, and it makes me happy.

Introduction:

Sara Sidle and Gil Grissom were living together very happily (with their dog, Hank—we will never forget Hank, the best dog either of them ever had) in Las Vegas, Nevada, when a serial killer decided to exact revenge on Grissom by kidnapping and killing Sara.

Sara survived, thankfully. (We were all quite worried there for a summer.) Sara and Grissom got engaged. But Sara was suffering, and she left because Vegas became too painful for her—and because she didn't want Grissom to see her like that. Grissom was heartbroken without her.

Sara came back for a minute (episode) or two after Warrick died (alas, poor Warrick), but then Grissom implied she needed to set him free, so she did. Again, Grissom was heartbroken without her. So he decided to up the ante.

Anyway, remember the happily ever after I mentioned at the beginning of the first story? This is the happily-ever-after story. It starts happy (after this introductory chapter); later it inevitably takes a turn at angst for a very, very short while (we will try not to dwell on that part); but then in the end: happily ever after.

Fall 2015. San Diego, California.

She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes;
Thus mellowed to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.

One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impaired the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress,
Or softly lightens o'er her face;
Where thoughts serenely sweet express,
How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.

And on that cheek, and o'er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent!

– Lord Byron (George Gordon), "She Walks in Beauty."

Once Upon a Time

Gil Grissom had found himself in a spot of trouble in San Diego, while carrying out some of his ongoing (and slightly illegal—he'd been found trespassing on a boat) conservation efforts. But an odd twist of fate was helping Grissom out. An officer from San Diego Harbor Patrol was just finishing up on the phone with Grissom's former colleague, the current Las Vegas sheriff, Conrad Ecklie. Ecklie had requested Grissom's urgent assistance on a case.

"It's your lucky day, pal," the officer told Grissom, after ending the call. "I'd tell you not to leave town, but I guess you're going to Sin City."

Grissom sighed. "Vegas," he said, with a not-slight measure of regret. On the surface, Grissom looked a little put out but generally calm. Inside, however, was a different matter: Vegas. Fuck. Fuuuuuck. FUCK. Even in his head, Grissom didn't ordinarily curse. But in this case he would make an exception: Fuuuuuuuuck.

It wasn't Vegas itself that was the problem. It was his ex-wife: Sara Sidle. She was overseeing the case on which he'd agreed to assist. It was both because of her that he'd agreed to assist and because of her that he had almost refused. Ultimately the tie had been broken by his desire for Ecklie's help on his current, er, situation with the harbor patrol.

Ecklie believed Grissom's friend, Heather Kessler, to be involved in a bombing case. Grissom had not spoken to Heather for years until recent months. But then he had received an email, which he presumed had been sent to all Heather's contacts, explaining she was closing her therapy practice due to the death of her granddaughter, Allison; he had called and spoken with her a handful of times since then out of concern, given her suicide attempt years earlier.

Grissom knew Heather wouldn't be involved in the bombings, and he also knew how good the Vegas lab was—knew how good Sara was (probably better than he'd ever been, at this point, given how brilliant she was)—and doubted they needed his help.

Thinking back to his ex-wife, Sara Sidle, Grissom cringed internally—though not at the thought of the woman, of course. He would never cringe at the thought of the woman. He could never cringe at the thought of the woman—the strongest, smartest, fiercest, kindest, best woman he had ever known. So he cringed not at the thought of the woman but at the term.

Grissom knew many terms appropriate for Sara Sidle: scientist, criminalist, researcher, traveler, beauty, fighter, shit-disturber, survivor. Oh, god, she was a survivor, and for that he was so very grateful. He had other more personal terms for Sara, of course—ways in which he thought of her in relation to himself: friend, lover, girlfriend, partner, fiancée, wife, soulmate, love of his life, heart of his heart, only woman he had ever loved and would ever love, only woman he'd ever wanted.

Some of the terms no longer applied (she was no longer his girlfriend, obviously), but the important ones, the ones that spoke to how he felt about her, still did. They always would. That the term ex-wife now also applied was his life's great tragedy, his only significant regret, his permanently ongoing heartache. He asked himself how it had come to this, but he already knew the answer.

She deserved so much better than him, he had thought. She was unhappy, and she deserved a better life than he could give her. So he had divorced her; he had set her free. Even if she had been disappointed in him in the short term, he knew in the long term she would be better off; he was sure someday she'd recognize that.

So he had not only divorced her but had tried as much as possible to erase any trace of himself from her life. He hadn't seen her in over two and a half years, since before the divorce. He'd avoided her phone calls. His replies to her emails were minimal at most and, honestly speaking, verging on curt. He'd needed her to feel free of him. Her attempts to contact him had dwindled to almost nothing, as he'd hoped. But the result was that he really didn't know what he'd find when he got to Vegas.

On the one hand, Grissom had wanted Sara to move on; on the other hand, what if she had? He'd felt connected to Sara from almost the moment they met, even through the worst days of their relationship—a relationship that, to his mind, had started the day they met.

What if that connection was gone now? What if the Sara he had known for all those years for all intents and purposes no longer existed? A Sara who was unconnected to him would no longer—could no longer—be the same person. It would be like meeting a stranger, in the form of the person he had known and loved (still loved) best. Just the thought of it was hurting his heart.

He'd wanted her to find someone who could make her happy, a task in which he had failed, but what if she had? What if she was dating someone? She could be engaged for all he knew. She could very well be married for all he knew. She could very well be a mother now, for all he knew…. Well, no. He knew for sure that, after her childhood, she'd never wanted that.

This whole plan of his—his plan to set her free—had been fine in the abstract, fine over a distance. But to walk into the lab and see what had come of it, to see Sara again in person after all this time and all this distance? FUUUUUUUUCK.

And yet part of him couldn't wait. She was the only woman he'd ever love, after all. But again he thought: how did we get here?

UP NEXT: NEXT CHAPTER: WINTER 2009. CENTRAL AMERICA. WHEN YOU'RE IN LOVE: COSTA RICA + DREAM WIFE: NICARAGUA.

NOTES

On Warrick (and regrets):

I don't mean to dismiss Warrick's death; it's truly heartbreaking. But it's not the subject of this tale.

I should also acknowledge here that Grissom of course has significant regrets about Warrick's fate, but I'd hope he doesn't hold himself responsible in the same way he does as regards the demise of his relationship with Sara. Warrick's whole departure arc is such a regrettable backslide from his earlier character development, and I can't hold anyone responsible for it but TPTB.

On Byron and "She Walks in Beauty":

In "Young Man with a Horn" (09x08, original air date: December 4, 2008), while speaking with Karen Rosenthal (owner of the shuttered Château Rouge), Grissom quotes the first line of Byron's poem, "She walks in beauty, like the night."

"Young Man with a Horn" was written by David Rambo, who has writing credits on several other episodes significant for our two lovers, including "Butterflied" (04x12), "Swap Meet" (05x05), "Time of Your Death" (06x22), "Leapin' Lizards" (07x22), and "The Case of the Cross-Dressing Carp" (08x04).

David Rambo also wrote "Bull" (08x11), which doesn't feature Sara, of course, but does have Grissom telling Nick that (cowboy) poetry is "just a way of organizing your thoughts and feelings so that you can make sense of them." He then tells Nick that "poetry can help you with [trying to make sense out of your girl leaving you], too."

In "Grissom's Divine Comedy" (08x12), Grissom has a big volume of Shakespeare out on his table.

In "Leave Out All the Rest" (09x05), Grissom goes to speak with Lady Heather about a case. He clearly equates Sara with the female victim—described by Heather as a "good girl, afraid of the dark," "keeper of the hearth, sentimental"—and himself with the male victim—described by Heather as someone who "liked to compartmentalize" and "had a dark side."

In "She Walks in Beauty," Byron describes a woman who is beautiful inside and out, who is pure, and whose love is innocent—in other words, a good girl. (I did my undergrad in English Lit and History, but poetry was never my favourite, so… yeah, no really deep analysis here!)

And Grissom quotes this poem in the same episode in which a character talks about girls with their "cute little ponytails" and in which Grissom ultimately decides "to up the ante." So basically what I'm saying is… you can't tell me Gil Grissom wasn't sitting at home, reading his Romantic poets (as well as his Shakespeare), and trying to make sense of his girl leaving him. Be still my heart. I love him.

On the science nerds as parents:

I am ambivalent on Sara and Grissom and children. This is very much a personal opinion, and I mean no disrespect to anyone else on this.

On the one hand, I've seen great stories regarding them and kids. On FFN, CSI Clue (cincoflex) has a few stories about them and kids that make me crazy with their cuteness. On AO3, addictedtostorytelling has a wonderful series about the possibility. VR_Trakowsi has a charming world series with grandchildren. (I'm sure the list goes on, but this is just off the top of my head.) I think that, despite their individual misgivings, they'd have been great parents. I think a curly-haired nerd baby would have been super adorable.

But, in a canon world where they didn't have kids, I'd like to think that was their choice, because that makes me happier. The thought that, after everything else she went through in life, Sara wanted kids with Grissom but they didn't/couldn't have them (or foster/adopt them) breaks my heart a little too much. Moreover, they were pretty friggin' adorable in CSIV just on their own—like, CSIV Grissom has definite doting grandpa vibes, only he had no kids, so he just hardcore dotes on his wife. I love it so much.

SOUNDTRACK LISTING

The Wind and the Wave. "It's a Longer Road to California Than I Thought."

The Wind and the Wave. "A Husband and a Wife Should Sleep Together."

(You can listen to these songs in my playlist for this series, which can be found by searching my username on Spotify.)

EPISODE REFERENCE(S)

16x01. "Immortality." Original air date: September 27, 2015.

A/N:

Yesterday I finally managed to catch up with all the comments to which I had not yet responded, both here and on AO3, and it was positively delightful! Comments always, always, always make my day, so thank you again, so very much. I would absolutely love to hear from you again (or for the first time), and I hope you will enjoy this story! 💕

And I almost forgot: happy summer solstice!