an. I had to jump in on the crackfic after an amusing discussion with tmtcltb-kals and srp2017. Based loosely in the New China Universe during an alternate version of the Cuban mission. Total ridiculous no-plot nonsense. You've been warned.

Concealed Carry

Crackfic – New China Universe, Season 5 (El Norte alternate Cuban mission)

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"Lieutenant Commander Green!"

Danny froze, hands still beneath Cooper's shirt, while his knee kept her body tilted on its side, fumbling in the act of removing her bra. Though his back was facing the entrance to the cell in which they were captive, there was zero mistaking the owner of that voice.

"You have less than three seconds to explain what the hell you are doing to my wife."

As though he'd been burned—which in many ways seemed more appealing—Danny ripped his hands out, rolled Cooper carefully until her back lay on the ground, then stood and turned. He hadn't seen Chandler this vexed since—well, he hadn't seen Chandler this vexed.

"I was intending to use the underwire of her—of her bra, sir. To pick the lock and get us out."

For an uncomfortable number of seconds, Chandler continued to stare without blinking while the rest of the cavalry made themselves busy securing the area and testing the keys. The rigid tendon in the Admiral's neck looked ready to snap.

"What happened to her? Why is she unconscious?"

"I don't know, sir, we were separated"—the lock mercifully clicked, and Burk swung the metal bars wide—"and when they brought her back, she was already unconscious. I couldn't find any wounds; it doesn't look like she's been hit"—he took a further step back, giving Chandler space to kneel—"I've been checking her pulse and breathing, as far as I can tell it's been normal"—something Chandler was currently verifying for himself—"I think they may have drugged her, sir."

Somewhere in the back of Danny's mind, it occurred that panic had only recently set in. Not when he'd been stunned with the butt of a gun, nor when Cooper's limp body had been dumped in his cell… No. It started the second he realized Chandler arrived at precisely the worst moment imaginable, and the cold sweat increased when Chandler noticed that he'd left her pants unzipped in his haste after checking the fly…

There was a cliché to describe the way Chandler's head slowly lifted and the look which followed that action. Something about if those could kill…

"And you don't conceal carry?" Chandler bit out quietly.

"I do, sir, but they frisked me good and took everything." Danny had to clear his throat. "From her, too." Fuck, he was still staring without blinking. "Except the… they forgot the…" Danny swallowed. "I'm sorry, sir. I swear it was one hundred percent the very last option I had."

X X X

"Don't worry, it's safe for you to come in. I convinced him to get some sleep," Sasha drawled from the other side of the curtain.

Petulant, Danny rounded the crinkling fabric and soured further upon seeing the sheer unadulterated enjoyment lighting up her face. "It's not funny, Sasha. You have no idea what I have just been through—"

"Oh I'm sure it was so much worse than being left unconscious in the hands of Tavo's men," she deadpanned.

He faltered, and then she snorted, igniting his exasperation. "You know, honestly, I think I would pick that over whatever the hell Admiral Chandler wants to do to me right now, yeah?"

She grinned, adjusting herself on the pillows. "He'll be fine. Everything's fine."

Danny eyed the empty chair beside the gurney, but the idea of sitting in a place that had Chandler written all over it was enough to convince him that standing was the better option. God forbid the Admiral gave up on trying to sleep and walked in on him hanging out by her bedside.

"And I'm fine too, if you were wondering."

Sheepish, Danny was snapped into the present again. "Yeah?" he inquired more gently, the unspoken questions lingering without the need to verbalize them. He gave her a once over. She did appear to be unharmed… tired but okay.

Softly, she nodded. "Doc gave me the all-clear." Then she inhaled deeply, shifting again. "I still don't know why they knocked me out, but… whatever the reason was, it wasn't that."

A weight was lifted from him. In reality, if it had been Kara—Danny wasn't sure that he wouldn't have murdered someone. Shot first, then asked questions later. The moment of seriousness lasted less than thirty seconds, however, and he saw the mirth creeping back into her features.

"Do me a favor?"

"Sure."

"Next time, remember to zip up my pants."

Unfolding his arms, Danny groaned and threw his head back. "Goodnight, Coop."

Her laughter followed his retreat.