"Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men must, I think, have great sadness on earth."

James was going to have a little brother.

He had decided what he wanted for his birthday since Christmas when he met the Prewett triplets over at his parents' yearly gala. When he asked if they all lived together, they looked at him funny and said of course, they even slept in the same room. James was starstruck and asked them everything he wanted to know: could his parents make another like James? If he wouldn't look like James, how would he look like? What do you mean it could be a girl? No, not a girl, a boy! - James almost started to cry when the triplets insisted you couldn't choose.

And would he live in the same house as him, and mum and dad? He could show him the best places to hide from nanny Millie and how to make the cookie jar open from the staircase. He would tell him not to open the downstairs door and how there's a monster living there but mother has a special perfume that shoos them away.

He would share his bed with him and give him the second best pillow. He would let him learn how to fly on his broom and father and him could make sure he didn't go over the fence like James did last Summer. Yes, James would get a brother on his birthday and he could not wait to have it.

At almost five years old, James started to prepare wholeheartedly for the certain upcoming arrival. He started to make space in his room, pushing away mum's chair and then pulling it back because she would probably like to read stories to both of them anyway. He also started making a map of the house to explain where to eat, where to take a bath and of course, the most flashy room of the drawing being their shared room. By February, he was most positive and convinced he had discussed it with his parents and that they had promptly agreed, no questions asked. He had also started to have a very specific face in mind that he envisioned to be him, and that his name was John and he would come whenever called to play.

That's why on a Sunday afternoon, a couple weeks before his birthday, at tea time, when his parents asked him what he wanted for his upcoming sixth anniversary, he answered without looking up from the scone he was eating:

"Just John."

His father continued to read the Daily Prophet.

"Who, Dear?" his mother was pouring more tea to his father's cup.

"Little brother John" James explained with his mouth fool.

"Who's little brother John?"

"My little brother", he put himself on his knees on the winter garden chair.

His parents looked at each other until his father put the paper away. "James, do you mean you want a little brother?"

He nodded confidently, "Yes."

There's a lot of great stories James does not recall from his childhood and he wished to. The time he apparently was about to fall off the sofa and his father grabbed him by his chubby little leg, or the time he used his infant magic to change the family's cat colour to key lime green. Also, of that day alone there's plenty that becomes blurry and he cannot say for sure if he dreamt it or reimagined it; but there are two very vivid memories that he can even recall the low angle that his small 5-year-old stature view the world with. One was after his father had explained to him how it would be very difficult for them to be able to give him a little brother, but the thing that stuck the most was the prolonged kiss his mother gave him on the top of his head and, after a sniffle, whispering "I'm sorry" to him.

The second, was of him crying that night in bed, saying goodbye to John.

He was thinking of Sirius. His birthday was coming up and he couldn't wait for him to see the present him and his parents had picked out for him - a magic powered photographic camera with developing solution that would print the moving Polaroid pictures instantly. James insides twisted when he thought of his best friend not having good memories to hold onto to once their link to Hogwarts was gone.

Possibly and probably because he was thinking of him, he quickly singled him out when strolling along the corridor, a bit further away from him who was just returning from yet another prolonged Quidditch practice. James quickened his step and froze cold half a second when he realized that Sirius was falling behind Severus Snape. His pace quickened, panicking that his friend was going to act reckless towards the other.

"Padfoot" James called, closing the distance.

That's when the two students looked behind, puzzled, and James opened his mouth in realization that he had made a mistake. It was not the eldest Black but the youngest, Regulus.

James felt incredibly stupid and wished he was a slower runner and not be so face-to-face to them. It is a very strange relationship to share the same brother, and yet be complete strangers to one another.

"I'm sorry, I… I thought you were your brother." The younger boy seemed as uncomfortable, if not more, as James. "You look like him." James didn't know why he kept talking, maybe because it was his nature to always make things lighter. "Even if maybe a bit taller."

He actually smirked, and Regulus seemed to react to it. Until,

"They're not brothers any more Potter." Snape stepped in with his neck pulled to the front and with aversion in his voice. "They never really were."

James did not notice how the younger Black looked at Snape, with a pained expression.

"Alright, no need to get your knickers twited, t'was an honest mistake."

Snape got closer to James then need be and looked at him defiantly for a moment.

"You've been making lots of mistakes lately, haven't you Potter? Confusing people who are not your friends… acting like they are."

James clenched his jaw.

"What are you trying to say, Snivellus?

At this point in their relation, this author believes that James no longer used the nickname consciously but instead accepting it was just the Slytherin's name. This author also believes James could sometimes be kind of a brat.

"Don't call me that. And stay away from Lily."

"Why? Did she confide in you in one of your many recent conversations?"

"I'm her best friend!, I know her better than anyone. She hates you - we both do."

He was seething and Regulus tried to pull him back. "Snape, let's go. We can't afford any more points."

Snape shook him off "Do you really think I care about a stupid school competition?" He turned to James again. "Do you know how many times she called you a brainless, superficial, insufferable toe rag? She hates you."

James felt a deep sting and acidified his words, now being the one to take a step forward. "What a weird little friendship you have there - one where one you call her slur, and she specifically asks you to leave her the bloody hell alone! And I'm the one who's confused?" Oh, he still had it in him apparently - that arrogant 15-year-old teenager whose ego could not be touched. "You messed up Snivellus, you messed up real bad and she will never forgive you. And you know that, don't you?" a cold grin started to appear as he spoke. "You do- that's why you're so scared. You know she will never forgive you but what's really worst, what's really eating you alive inside is that… she- forgave me."

"So- tell me again how Quidditch practice left you with cursing scars?" Remus asked while pouring some of his dorm-made healing potion into James' arm.

He hissed from pain as his friend supposedly helped him out.

"Why bother Moony?, you wouldn't understand any of it either way."

"Just because I don't get as excited as you do whenever a specific ball crosses a hoop, it doesn't mean I don't follow the rules of the game."

James squinted his eyes at him, sitting on a high chair in the Gryffindor common room. "Padfoot forced you to learn, didn't he?"

Remus paused his task to look at him for a moment before sighing.

"Yes. He bet I couldn't keep from rolling my eyes for a whole day."

"How long did you last?"

"About half way through bacon and eggs at breakfast."

James snorted. "Of course"

"Marls you have so many more clothes than I do, I seriously doubt you'll find anything you want to wear but if you do- go nuts. You know what I'll wear so I'm all set."

The girls voices could be heard on the other side of the portrait, coming in.

"Yes but it's not just your clothes, I need your help…" Marlene cried out. "Mary said she would but of course she's knee deep in preparations for the evening ugh!, how come that elves become more important than your best friend?" She hypothetical asked and then looked at where the boys were standing. "Oh my…"

Lily looked too and gasped.

"Merlin, what happened? What did you do, Potter?" She quickly switched her tone to accusatory.

He flinched away from her touch. "Oi Evans relax, it was a Quidditch accident. Tell her Moony."

Remus turned to look at the witches. "I couldn't if I wanted to."

James rolled his eyes and Lily laid her head to the side, looking at him.

"Look, I didn't curse anyone, OK?"

"Good" she said. But then softer "Well, does it hurt?"

And it did things to him that she seemed concerned.

"Not terribly."

She moved closer and inspected his arm, brushing her fingers softly in his skin.

"You should go to madam Pomfrey," and before James could protest "but of course I know you won't…" he closed his mouth. "Let me know if you need me to brew something Remus, it looks quite rough."

He was very still for some eternal seconds, feeling her breathing close.

"Lily!"

They both jumped and looked up at Marlene calling from the stairs. The blonde girl raised her eyebrows and made a sign for them to go upstairs.

"Right, hum… s-see you at seven then. Near Gunhilda de Gorsemoor's statue?"

"Only you'd call the one-eye witch by her given name, Evans."

He was looking at her which, sitting down where he was, was at almost eye-to-eye level.

She looked down hiding a smile "Well, you know me."

"I do." It meant something important.

"Lily" Marlene again, now not even visible from the stairs, only well heard.

"Coming! Right, I should-"

"Right"

She walked away shyly "Bye Remus"

James saw her quickly run up the stairs. Remus took the chance to pour some more of the essence to James' wounds and he growled.

"There there, just imagine it's Evans who's doing it so you'd look all tough" and James hit him in his crotch, making him bend. "Oh, you big tosser"

Oh.

Oh alright, that was new.

Lily was walking towards the two marauders wearing knee high boots with a green short skirt and blouse, and she had a black velvet headband with thin braids on the side and… and well, she looked beautiful.

"You look nice." James blurted out.

"Thank you" she smiled. "You too"

"Thank you" Sirius joined "wasn't sure about the blue shirt but I think it brings out the colour of my eyes."

"You look alright too Black, very sharp."

James shook his head and cleared his throat. "Right well, ahem- how do we know we have the right bloke?"

"Luca should be waiting by Honey Dukes, he's staying at Hogsmeade for the weekend but can't stay late, he needs to be back to Durmstrang by tomorrow. Just tell him you come from Lily and Marlene and he'll follow you."

"Does the lad understand English?"

"Yes Black, he's Hungarian and speaks perfect English. Marlene is dragging Mary right now back to the common room so be fast, who knows how long she can keep her away from her 'duties'." She explained, excitement in her voice to surprise their friend.

"Alright then," James clapped his hands together "no problem, we'll be off." Sirius nodded.

"Brilliant!"

Lily said and waited as the boys stayed put.

"Off you go now." Sirius shooed her away.

"You're really not letting me know how you do it?"

Both boys grinned at each other. "A wizard never reveals his tricks, Evans. Go enjoy yourself, we'll be back in no time." James offered.

"But how? It's so far off!"

"Go" they both replied.

"Ugh! So annoying, all of you." She grumbled , walking away but taking a last look behind her back and they waved at her.

As planned, soon enough all three Gryffindors were coming back through the Great Hall front door and Lily rushed to them, too excited to contain herself.

"So?" she asked "How did it go?"

"McKinnon was about to sit on the floor grabbing McDonald's leg in place when we arrived." Sirius started and Lily looked at the only other girl.

"I need a drink Lily, extra spiked." And Lily opened her arms to hug her friend.

"But did it work?"

The three of them looked at each other until James said "Yeah, it worked."

Lily smiled wide to Marlene. "Yeah, it really did, she had no idea. Her exact words were 'best birthday present ever' so, I'm guessing we nailed it"

Lily squealed and hugged Marlene tighter. "We did it!"

"Can't believe you snuck a bloke from another school into Hogwarts Evans, working to be an honorary Marauder I see" James teased.

"It's not marauding," Lily quipped, "It's for love, it's a brave act of romance that's all."

James snorted. "So that's what's been all along Padfoot! Romance"

Sirius put a hand on his chest."I solemnly swear that I'm up to some love spreading"

Marlene smirked while Lily pushed Sirius on the shoulder.

"Oh you've joined us Potter, I'm glad."

They all turned to see Mulciber with his typical pack of Slytherins around, including Severus Snape.

"I was worried you might be too crippled to come."

James sighed. "Not at all Mulciber, want me to prove it to you?"

Lily was looking daggers at the other.

"No need to hurt yourself Potter, I understand you've been lot of talk and no action lately… unable say, to perform?" the group behind laughed and Lily noticed the grin on Sanpe's face. "I guess the company of less than has finally caught up." Mulciber looked at Lily now.

"Get fucked Mulciber, why won't you?" Marlene stepped in "Do you want me to share what I've been hearing around? Are you confident I don't know a thing or two about your performance hum?"

Avery Mulciber snickered "Poor Potter now even needs protection from girls"

All Gryffindors protested.

"Jezz Mulciber, just move along!"

"Give it up already, bloody hell"

"No one likes you!" this last one was Lily.

The slytherins dispersed and Sirius offered an arm to Marlene. "Nice one there McKinnon. You've earned yourself a cup of our very best spiked ponce."

She smiled at him and locked arms with him. "You're my favourite Marauder, Black."

James stood behind with Lily.

"'No one likes you', Evans? Really, that's the worst you got?"

She turned to him in a swift movement. "Did you duel Snape?"

James was dumbstruck "Hum…"

"God, I knew it!" said Lily heated before walking away.

"Hey! Hey hey hey-" James walked in front of her, tangoing yet again like they've been doing over the past two months.

"Quidditch game, seriously? I knew you were lying but I just ignored it and-and trusted you, trusted just something stupid but not- not evil

"Did you ever see me like this?" James interrupted, raising his voice frustrated. "Of all the years you've been pestering me to leave your precious Snivellous alone-"

"Don't call him that!"

They were fighting and raising some eyebrows at the scene. He pressed his lips and breathed deep through his nose.

"Have you ever seen me like this?" he asked again slowly and calmer, pointing to his wounds showing under his shirt collar through his neck.

"No but why does it matter?"

James looked at her waiting for her to understand.

She did and whispered "You didn't attack him back…"

James shrugged theatrically.

"Safe and sound! Happy?"

He started walking away.

"Why?" she asked. "I mean… I'm glad you didn't but- why?"

"Why?" he looked back and she seemed genuinely curious.

She didn't know.

"Because…"

Exasperation.

Bloody hell.

He looked down and brought his hand to his hair.

"I told you already- I'm trying to be be different. Better."

She started to play with the ring on her finger.

"That's… good" she said awkwardly. "Really good actually, I'm- I'm proud of you."

James put his hands on his pockets. "Yeah well, now my skin burns every couple of hours so it sure doesn't feel good."

Lily grimaced. "I meant it, I can help out. I actually have some leaves that I asked borrowed from Jamie that might alleviate-"

She was directing back to the common room but he interrupted. "No need there Evans, it's nothing that Moony has had ten times worse already."

Lily pressed her lips.

"Besides, let's not interrupt the two love birds in there. You didn't see what I saw - you don't want that image burned on your brain" she giggled and he was happy they seemed back to a safe normal.

"I can't believe it worked" Lily breathed out, relieved. "Mary has been gushing about her summer love everyday since we got back. It's been weeks in the making but I'm glad it worked."

"Yeah, you did good Evans. I had no idea Mary had a beau though, and I know for sure Wormtail didn't either."

She turned to him. "Peter? Why?"

"Because he loves her?" James said nonchalant.

"What?" Lily gasped.

"Oh come on Evans, don't tell me you didn't know that- it's clear as as day!"

"I didn't! I swear I didn't, why would I?"

"Because everyone knows it. I'm sure even McGonagall knows if you ask her"

"Well, I sure didn't. I seem to always miss important details that look pretty obvious to everyone"

James' insides pained and he felt sorry for her, in a way.

"Oh he's going to hate me when he finds out it was mine and Marlene's idea" Lily brought her hands to her face.

"Ah don't torture yourself about it Evans. It's not like anything would ever happen between them so-"

Behind them, a loud crash of dishes falling on the floor made them turn back and see that Peter had ran over a Hogwarts elf carrying dirty plates. James and him locked eyes.

"Oh no-" Lily lamented, going to help the elf.

"Oh bloody hell, give me a break why won't you- Wormtail wait up!

James ran past them to go after his friend who was walking quickly away.

"Please mate look, I didn't mean it like that-"

"You didn't?" Peter asked sharp, looking at him.

"I mean, I…" he sighed "I did but you weren't meant to hear it. I'm so sorry Pete, I shouldn't have said it."

Peter dropped his face.

"And sorry for the other day as well. I shouldn't have thrown the Quaffle so far away…"

"You really think Mary would never be interested in me?" he was talking to his shoes.

"Look mate, any girl would be lucky to have you, Mary included! I mean, what do I know? I haven't been with a girl myself for months now."

"That's not what I asked you"

"It doesn't matter what I thought or didn't think-"

"It matters to me" he finally looked up. "You're my best friend, Prongs."

It was true and deep inside, Peter hoped that, in this moment where James was hoping for his forgiveness, he would say it back and mean it too. Instead,

"I'm really sorry, Wormtail. I'm a gigantic bloody idiot who can't separate my mouth from my arsehole, you know that. How can I make it up to you?"

Peter looked away and noticed something. He clenched his jaw and clapped his friend on the shoulder to start walking back to the Great Hall. "Don't worry about it, I guess we're just two losers when it comes to girls, huh?"

James smiled down at his friend but then looked up and saw Lily talking and laughing with that wanker Revenclaw, Indigo. He swallowed dry before looking away.

"Right. Let's make sure this is a Marauder's night then." He put his arm around Peter's shoulders. "Where's Padfoot with his ponce?"

The next morning James woke up with his lips dried and chapped, and his head pounding. He blindly got up and Sirius grunted.

"What's going on?"

"I'm looking for my glasses which would work much better if I had them on- ow"

Remus had thrown his glasses straight to his head. "Sorry."

James bent down to grab them and walked out of the room, missing a step while putting on his shoe.

He got to the common room, finally grounding himself, when someone was just entering through the portrait.

"Evans - don't tell me you just got back now. Partied that hard last night?"

He asked but she was all dressed clearly having started the day already. But she looked off, her expression hollow.

"Evans?"

She finally looked up seeming to only now realizing he was there.

"Potter, hi…" she looked confused. "No, I… I went to talk to professor hum- McGonagall, yes. Mary should be right behind me and…"

She turned back seeming lost why the girl wasn't there. "Where is…"

Worried, James walked fast to her and put a hand on the side of her head, making her look up at him.

"Lily dear, I asked you to wait for me. You shouldn't be alo- oh" Mary arose from the portrait and noticed James.

He was about to ask what had happened but Lily finally spoke.

"It's my dad," her voice breaking. He looked down at her. "James, he's dead."

She hid her face on her small hands and cried. Deep from her soul as only a child missing a parent can.