The PokéLife Chose Me

Season 2, Episode 5

"Lt. Surge's Shocker Goes Knuckle Deep"

"I'm sure he'll be out aaaaaany minute now."

Checking the clock on the wall, then the fitbadge on her wrist, Phyllis tapped her toes impatiently on the polished wooden floor, swaying herself back and forth while idly whistling up to the tall stadium ceiling. It was all a show, her overt display a delaying tactic. Rory had to use the bathroom. That was over ten minutes ago. She didn't know what the hell was keeping him!

Across from Phyllis, two gym leaders stood in the center of an arena. Unlike her, their impatience was real. And unlike the skinny hippy girl and her metalhead companion these two appeared to snort pre-workout powder and eat creatine for all three meals. Muscles formed in fit, military-style uniforms, biceps bulged in folded arms, and their veins didn't impatience in order to pop. Big bodied, electricity obsessed army fetishists.

The trademark look of the Vermilion City Gym.

Lt. Surge, flanked by his actual Lieutenant Visquez, brushed the last of his fading yellow buzzcut and laughed. "Sure he will. I bet he's quaking in the bathroom stall, peeing his pants he's so afraid of me."

Phyllis tilted her head. "What? Wait, that makes nooooo sense. Why would he be peeing his pants if he's already in a bathroom stall?"

Visquez snickered, her muscles quiver at the movement. "The hippy's got a point, Sir."

Lt. Surge shot an angry look. "Maybe he's already peed himself and he's gotta clean up, and the hand dryer's still broke so he's gotta use toilet paper... shut up!" He replaced the flustered look on his face with one of stoic sternness. "It doesn't matter why he's too scared to come out of the bathroom..."

Phyl interrupted, "Dude, we've been eating nothing but baked beans and hot dogs we cooked over campfires for the last several days. He's probably crapping out a golgotha-sized shit right now. Settle down."

"... the only reason I gave him a chance is 'cause starting a war with Galar let me be a real soldier again."

"Uh huh." Phyl rolled her eyes. "So you weren't always a real soldier?"

"I... ummm... shut up!" Lt. Surge sputtered. "At least I'm not hiding in the bathroom like a big baby!"

She puckered her lips and exhaled sharply. "I'm sure he won't be much longer. Anyhoo, we'll just wait here, in front of your wildly dangerous electric force field, and maybe we can catch up? I see you're still called Lt. Surge... ain't that the same rank you had when I first beat you as a kid?"

Visquez covered her mouth, suppressing the urge to chuckle.

Lt. Surge was less amused, turning beet red. "That's because my superiors are jackwagons and my platoon mates are blue falcons! Listen, if that big baby doesn't find some courage and come out to solve my puzzle in the next minute I'm gonna kick the both of you out for disrespecting MY gym!"

Phyl threw her hands up. "Alright, fine. Sorry I asked. Tell you what, I got something that'll mellow you out. Just deactivate that gigantic fuck off-grade electric field and we can talk it out."

"Nice try!" Visquez scoffed. "You think we're that gullible?"

"Little babies doing baby tricks." Lt. Surge added. "Nope, the field stays! You and your boyfriend..."

"Whoa!" Phyl held her hands up. "Full stop, Sperminator. We're NOT a couple. Nooooo way. Nuh uh. Not a chance!"

Visquez face betrayed disbelief. "Then what would you call it?"

Phyl shrugged her shoulders. "I dunno. Kinda long-term friend? Useful idiot? Barely sentient self-propelled dildo? We don't put labels on what we got."

"Well I label the both of you a bunch of big babies!" Lt. Surge growled, his frustrations taking a vicelike grip on his pokéball. "He's got half a minute to find the two switches needed to shut down my electric field so he can step in the gym and face me like a..."

Every light, every plug-in device, every appliance shut off, leaving nothing but the exit signs to glow. The electric field stopped crackling and humming, fading down to a dying fizzle before quitting completely.

A moment later they heard a toilet flush, a door close, and footsteps approach the gym.

"...bastard."

As Rory straightened his battlejacket and slid off his mirrored aviators, Gogo the Dragonite, still wiping his hands off with a piece of paper towel, loomed over him, looking rather pleased with herself. Rory folded his aviators and slid them in his jacket pocket. "So, I found the utility room and flipped the breaker. Much easier than digging through trashcans for two random switches, am I right?"

Lt. Surge shouted, "You cheated!"

Rory smirked. "I changed the conditions of the test."

"I should kick your butt you cheater! Raichu, I choose you!"

"You should commend me for original thinking! Sandslash, I choose you!"

"What?! Oh come on!" Lt. Surge pointed to the Sandslash. "A ground type? You punk trainers do this all the time!"

Exasperated, Rory replied, "The fuck do you expect? Dude, you train electric pokémon. You think I'm just gonna waltz in with something weak to you? That's even dumber than leaving your utility room unlocked."

"That's it! Don't matter what you bring, you're going down! Raichu, volt tackle!"

"I kicked your ass as a kid once before, and I'll do it again! Sandslash, dig!"

Raichu dashed at the ground pokémon, its electrically-charged shoulder tackles glanced off its sandy spikes. The electricity absorbed harmlessly over Sandslash's body, but the tackles, delivered with brutal efficiency, were beginning to batter him. Then, as Raichu charged once more, Sandslash vaulted over its body, plunged his big, clawed paws into the packed dirt, and burrowed furiously, showering Raichu in dirt and rocks. When Raichu wiped its eyes and looked around, all that was left was a deep hole.

"Looks like we'll have to resurface the gym again, Sir." Visquez remarked.

"I hate when that happens." Lt. Surge scowled. Every rock and ground pokémon user dug up his floor, to the point where it made more sense to lay concrete around the walls and leave the centre of the gym packed with dirt. Though it gave ground trainers an advantage it beat having to lay down new concrete, which the ground pokémon dug up anyways.

He still had contingencies, ones he ran hundreds of times over the years. "Raichu! Fire in the hole!"

"Rai?" ("Huh?")

"Thunderbolt, and make it so strong even Sandslash'll feel it!"

"Rai!" ("Right!) The electric rodent scrunched its face, electricity crackling from its cheeks. "Raaaaiiiiiii...CHU!"

A thunderbolt released in an arc down into the hole. It repeated more thunderbolts as Lt. Surge looked on with smug satisfaction.

Rory, unimpressed by Lt. Surge's display of machismo, rolled his eyes and mimed jerking off, breaking Lt. Surge's attempt at unflappable stoicism. He had his usual plan of pissing off the gym leader, but knew a man as experienced as Lt. Surge wasn't going to fall for any old tricks. He had a few ideas of his own, and it was that in mind that he, and the Sandslash burrowing tunnels under the arena surface, waited.

Up in the darkened rafters, Arlo of Team Go Rocket, with bolt-cutters in hand, crawled by agonizing inches towards his target. He paid little attention to the battle unfolding below him. Right there in the moment, his arms and legs hugging the metal rafter and propelling him forward like a constipated Caterpie, his focus was on reaching one of the deactivated floodlights hanging from the scaffolding a few feet in front of him.

That, and not plummeting to certain grievous injury. It was a long way down, and Team Rocket health insurance didn't cover faceplants into active arena battles.

He flinched as he felt his hairs stand on end. The electricity being flung by Lt. Surge's Raichu was getting too close! He gripped on tighter and inched forward, the sooner he was done his little assignment the better.

Hiding outside of the Vermilion City gym, Sierra's voice crackled over his radio. "Hey stupid, are you there yet?"

Arlo almost shouted into the radio. He clamped his hand on his mouth, slipping slightly and scrambling to keep his balance, losing grip on his bolt cutters and juggling to keep them in his hand. He found his purchase, and only then did he hit the button on his radio to reply in a rasping hiss to keep his angry expulsions down. "No I'm not there yet! There's no light up here and it's dangerous enough without you interrupting. Shut up for five seconds so'd have a chance to make it out of here alive!"

Sierra didn't take well to Arlo's insolence. "Just cut the damn light loose and make sure it drops on The Trainer's head!"

"I got notes on that, by the way." Arlo retorted with undisguised arrogance. "Who drops a light on people's heads? And look at our plan. It depends on our target being exactly at the right spot, at the right time. Do you see how much could possibly go wrong? Am I the only one who thinks this plan is stupid?"

"Shut up!" Sierra hissed back. "This one's time critical and the boss told us to make it look like an accident. It's the best we've got under the circumstances."

"Fine, whatever." Arlo squirmed his last few inches to the overhanging floodlight. Success! He made it! He began to loosen the bolts attaching the light to the rafters, until all that's left holding the light was an electric cable. "Hey, what happened to the power anyways?"

"Found it!" The deep, dopey voice of Cliff joined the radio chatter. "I'm in the utility room. Some moron left it open and flipped the breakers. What should I do?"

"Turn the power back on so I can see what I'm doing!" Arlo suggested strongly.

"No!" Sierra shouted over static. "New plan! Arlo, keep watch. We'll let the fight finish. Tell us when he exits the arena."

"Wait, why? Won't he be well out of the way of a falling stage light by then?" Arlo asked, confused.

Sierra said, "We're ditching the previous plan. Remember that giant electric barrier Lt. Surge violated multiple building codes installing?"

"Ohhhhh..." Arlo clued in.

"Oh indeed. The second he steps in the way of that barrier Cliff will throw the switch!"

"Wait." Cliff said. "Won't that kill him?"

Losing her patience, Sierra screamed, "Of course it will you big dumb brute! That's whole the point! The boss told us to take him out or he'd take us out! So what'll it be, boys?!"

Cliff sulked, "Man, I hate doing stuff like this. Can't we go back to petty larceny?"

Arlo added, "I'd rather corrupt pokémon. This is way worse!"

Sierra replied, "We got no choice, boys. Hike up your thongs and get ready to deep-fry this loser!"

As far as Rory could tell he was far from losing, but not close to winning either.

His Sandslash kept out of Raichu's electric attacks by digging deep and winding its tunnels to avoid a direct strike. Then, when he saw an opening, he ordered Sandslash to surface and slash in a series of hit-and-run attacks.

It was Lt. Surge, caution that saw the fight run longer than expected. He controlled his Raichu through excellent timing and surprising patience. The hit-and-run didn't tempt Raichu to go all out on the attack and taunting Lt. Surge to apoplexy only served to make him even more cautious. He waited for his times to strike, using electric attacks to chip away at Sandslash's endurance or move him in the arena. Then, when Sandslash emerged to strike Raichu meet strength-for-strength with physical slams and tackles of his own. Lt. Surge and his Raichu make the battlefield incredibly uncomfortable for Sandslash to move, before striking hard and fast. Luring, ambushing, and going for the decisive blow.

Like a soldier.

So Rory ordered a change of approach. "Surface!" Sandslash popped out of the ground. "Fury swipes!" Sandslash clawed and raked, the blows intercepted by Raichu's blocking paws.

Crossing his arms, Lt. Surge watched the fight, amused by the exchange of blows. "Not bad, baby! Looks like you can back that mouth up with some skill."

"You're not half bad yourself." Rory admitted, begrudgingly. "Most electric pokémon users don't last this long against a ground type."

"What can I say? This Raichu's been up against the best."

"Well, it ain't Sandslash's first rodeo either. Bring it, butter bar!"

"Consider it brought!" Lt. Surge declared with a giant shout. "Raichu! Body slam, now!"

Crying 'Rrrraaaaaiiiiiii...', the Raichu galloped forward for another body tackle.

"Wait for it..."

Raichu jumped, shoulder forward, towards Sandslash. "...ccccccccccchhhhuuuuuuu!"

"SAND ATTACK! NOW!"

Sandslash's shovel-like clawed hands scooped up loose dirt and sprayed it in Raichu's face! Raichu choked on a cloud of dust, closing its eyes shut to keep the grit out.

The Lightning American saw Raichu flailing under Sandslash's assaults, his attempts to fight back met with empty air. Lt. Surge ordered, "Raichu, forget trying to hit him! Hit the battlefield! Thunder, wide area dispersal!"

"RAIIIIIIIIIII CHU!" The electric rodent knew the contingency for the dirt-based blinding attack too. When it gathered enough electricity it could shoot lightning all over the battlefield, creating one hostile environment for any creature in the general area, accuracy be damned. So it scrunched his body, gathered the power inside itself until it crackled and burst around him, and let it out in one bright, blinding burst upwards, arcing it to crash down on the arena.

Only it didn't make it to the arena floor.

Raichu wasn't the only one confused by the ineffectiveness of his attack. Lt. Surge, Visquez, Rory, and Phyllis looked around and waited for the lightning to drop, finding none to be had.

Lt. Surge leaned over to whisper to his partner. "Wasn't Raichu supposed to conduct lightning through the rafters? What's his major malfunction now?"

Visquez said, "I don't think it's Raichu, Sir."

Rory looked up at the pitch-black roof above. "Muscle mommy's right. I think he hit something else."

From behind the bushes outside the Vermilion City Gym, Sierra saw light flashing in the gym's upper arena windows. The thought crossed her mind that the power was restored until she heard a horrid screaming over her radio. The screams were brief, drowned out by the ear-splitting squeal of audio feedback followed by the relief of a loud, final popping noise.

"Arlo?" She tapped her earpiece. "Aaaarrrrllloooooo? Hey idiot! Talk to me!"

Cliff voice came over a fresh layer of light static. "Uhhhh Sierra, I think his radio's down."

"You think?!" She screamed, not willing to admit it took Cliff of all people to put the lightning flash and Arlo's dead radio together. "Well that's just great. How are we gonna whack that fool if he's not there to do it?"

"Maybe we should get outta here before we're caught?"

"No! Stay there, I'll do it myself! Be right there!" She flung brambles and branches off her uniform and dashed for the gym, ignoring the sudden flood of light flashing in the arena's upper windows.

"Seriously? Again?" Lt. Surge scratched his head. "How'd that happen?"

Rory was as confused as Lt. Surge. He ordered his Sandslash to halt, its claw short of swiping Raichu's chest. He wanted to wrap the fight up, but his curiosity got the better of him. Lighting attacks weren't supposed to act this way, with exception to something else being struck by the attack. "Maybe a window's open and you got a Pidgey up there?"

"I dunno," Phyllis looked up at the pitch-black rafters suspiciously. "I thought I heard a scream."

"Me too." Visquez added.

Rory sucked in some air and put his hands on his hips. "Maybe you got a Fearow? Zap it again. See what happens."

"Nooooo..." came a weak, defeated utterance from the rafters.

Lt. Surge yelled, "Alright, let's do this! Raichu, thunder!"

"Raiiiiiiiiiii...cccchhhhuuuuuuu!"

Raichu gave it his best thunder attack, sustaining it longer than the others. A crack and sizzle could be heard in the rafters up until Raichu expended the last of his electricity.

"Huh. Didn't hear screaming that time." Phyllis observed.

"Guess we got the little pest, huh?" Lt. Surge said.

"Mommy, I don't feel so good..."

Rory exhaled. "So, you wanna finish this, or...?"

Lt. Surge sighed deeply. "Normally I would but Raichu's all spent. A good soldier knows when to withdraw in good order." He offered his hand to shake. I'll get a Thunder Badge outta the back for ya."

"Cool!" Rory accepted the handshake. "Good game, dude."

"Yeah, good game to you too. You're alright, soldier. Be right back." Lt. Surge, with Raichu beside him, strolled his way to the arena exit, leaving Rory to bask in his own victory.

"I hear someone coming. Hide!"

Sierra dove behind the couch in the main lobby outside the arena. She waited for the footfalls, peering so cautiously around the couch so that she saw the victim's feet. Were they the target's feet? It was so hard to tell in such dimly lit surroundings, but the heavy footsteps sounded male. All she had to do was wait until those same footsteps crossed paths with the electric field.

Cliff spoke over the radio. "I'm already hidden, boss lady. You want me to hide some more?"

She hissed, "No you moron! I want you to hit the switch when I say so. And when you do, you help me take out the rest!"

"Alright." Cliff said. "Ready when you are."

"Wait for it..." She listened for the footsteps, and when the timing and distance was right... "NOW!"

"Rai?"

Raichu's tail pricked up at the feeling of ozone in the air. The rodent's sensitivity to electricity meant it could sense electric currents travelling through power cables and throughout the building, well before stage lights began to switch on in glaring brightness. It knew, as power returned to the Vermilion City Gym, the current fed it way to the electric field generator hooked up to the archway where they stood.

Raichu had microseconds to swat Lt. Surge out of the way, but not enough time to safely move himself.

Lt. Surge didn't have time to ask what Raichu's major malfunction was before he found out. Raichu's body jerked and spasm as massive amounts of electricity coursed through its body.

Right when the spandex-clad duo of Sierra and Cliff jumped out of hiding.

Sierra started off, "To protect the world from devastation!"

Then on cue Cliff chimed in, "To unite all people within our nation."

"Uhhhhhhhhhh..." Came the distant moan of a well-cooked Arlo.

"To extend our reach to the stars above! Sierra!"

"Cliff!"

"Arrrrllloooo... CACK!"

Then together, Cliff and Sierra rang out as Arlo gurgled, "Team Go Rocket blasting off at the speed of light!"

As Team Go Rocket bullrushed through their introduction Raichu stood up, electricity building up in its body and energizing it like never before. He turned it's head to Team Go Rocket, growling menacingly.

Cliff was first to notice. He pointed to the angry electric rodent and whimpered, "Uhhhhh... surrender now or prepare to fight?"

Lt. Surge replied, "Raichu, thunderbolt."

Fueled by the electric field, Raichu shot its power back at Team Go Rocket. Sierra and Cliff lit up like a lightbulb and spasmed as if tasered, until something beneath them ignited, the explosion propelling the two out the front door and out of view, under the failing wails of, "Team Go Rocket blasting off again..."

Smiling, Lt. Surge switched off the electric field. "Heh. These colors don't run."

Arlo lost the last of his tenuous grip on the rafters. He fell like dead weight, a heavy smack which made his listless body bounce and his mouth groan feebly. Opening heavy-lidded, soot-covered eyes, he saw the faces of multiple creatures and trainers looking down at him.

The remaining Team Rocket goon coughed out black smoke as he spoke. "I'll see myself out."

"You better." Visquez said.

Arlo inch-wormed every agonizing foot on his way out the gym.

Rory snapped his fingers. "Now, about that badge..."

Pinning the Thunder Badge on the inside of his battlejacket, Rory Traynor felt incredibly pleased with himself.

Not two weeks into their pokémon journey and The Trainer already captured five out of ten Kanto badges, needed to qualify for the Indigo League, earn prize money, and pull his ass out of trouble with M-Bank. He earned the first ever Pallet Town, the ballcap-wearing pokéball that was the Ash Badge, after his fight with Ash Ketchem. He swiped a Veridian City Earth Badge after making himself a nuisance so much they were giving them away. The Pewter City Boulder Badge was earned by underhanded exploitation of the gym leader's lechery. For the last two, Cerulean City's Cascade Badge and Vermilion City's Thunder Badge, he earned the hard way, through intense pokémon battles.

He needed 5 to qualify for the Pokémon League. The Rainbow Badge of Celadon City, the Marsh badge of Saffron City, the Soul, or Pink, or Heart, or whatever the fuck badge of Fuchsia City, Cinnabar Island Ruin's Volcano Badge, and the second newest gym badge in the Indigo League, and their next destination.

The hippy van rattled and coughed its way to Lavender Town, whom, aside from their disturbing obsession with the dead, were also known for their ghost pokémon gym.

Phyllis and Rory saw the great tower in the distance, topped with a giant radio antenna lit with the radio station's call letters, 'K.U.N.T.'. They were near, and from the appearance of all the dusk-lit houses and businesses, Lavender Town was more of a sprawling city. The town expanded greatly since the old pokémon memorial tower was converted into a radio station.

They saw the spire of a recently-built church off the side of the road. Phyllis jerked the wheel of the hippy van and pulled over.

"Huh? What are you doing?" Rory asked.

"We gotta make a stop." Phyl pointed to the church. "I got a plan. We're gonna need some stuff from here."

"Why?"

"Oh, I dunno... all the endless bulldozing and grave despoilings? You can imagine how pissed off the ghost pokémon are gonna be."

"Good point." Rory said, catching on quickly, his mind already adding to the plan. "And let's stop by a Pokémart. There's a few things I wanna pick up before we hit this town..."

TBC...