A/N: Dear readers, my apologies for the long delay between chapters. Life happened, and continues to happen, but I am still here, writing. Thank you so much for your many lovely reviews, they are much appreciated and I am very touched by your love for this alternate universe. :)
Ch 64 – Then and Now (3)
Tonight was a night for flannel pajamas, Angela decided as she dried herself off in the steam-filled bathroom. It had been so nice to wash away this stressful day under a warm shower. Her headache had subsided, too, and she felt pleasurably languid.
Wrapped in a large bath towel and with her dry hair piled high on top of her head, she went into the bedroom. While she was still digging through the drawers of her dresser, searching for a pair of pajamas she hadn't worn in a long time, Tony came in.
"Oh. I'm sorry. I thought you were still in the shower, or I would have knocked. I wanted to bring this up." He nodded at the pot of tea, two mugs, and a plate of cookies that he was carrying on a tray.
"That's okay," she said, "I'll only be a minute. And thank you for the tea."
At last, there were her pajamas. She put them on top of her dresser and began to fish for a fresh pair of panties in another drawer.
Years ago, on the day of the highly embarrassing bathtub incident, after she had asked Tony to include her bedroom and the bathroom in his cleaning routine, he had declared that he would 'streamline the place a little bit' while he was at it – and he had.
If only he knew that she had thought of him almost every single morning since then while putting on her panties, bra, and pantyhose. Maybe she would tell him one day.
Tony set down the tray and stood next to the bed, pointing his thumb at the door. "Do you want me to-"
But Angela shook her head.
"You sure?"
"I'm sure. Stay."
She smiled and brought about an adorable shrug of Tony's shoulders. He sat on the foot of the bed, watching her with dark eyes. When Angela turned around and let her towel drop to the floor, his gaze on her back felt like a caress.
Her mother's psychology professor had called it 'subconscious exhibitionism', an accusation that Tony had immediately taken issue with, thankfully. There was nothing subconscious about it now, however, as Angela bent forward and stepped into her panties, then slid them slowly up and between her legs.
They could not have sex tonight, but that didn't mean they shouldn't enjoy some intimacy. Things between them were still new enough that even such a banal act as changing clothes in front of each other carried a degree of sweet excitement.
The situation reminded Angela of their night at the Hidden Hollow Motel, of how they had stood awkwardly on either side of a makeshift curtain, only wearing towels and bed sheets, equally confused and intrigued by each other's presence.
After pushing the last drawer shut, Angela reached for the pajama top, the soft fabric beneath her fingertips another reminder of that night almost four years ago. And she wasn't alone with this association.
"Remember when that night manager guy brought us his one and only pair of 'jammies'?" Tony asked in a low voice.
Turning around to face him, Angela held the pajamas teasingly in front of her upper body. "Of course. You wanted to flip me for the top."
"Yeah." Tony chuckled. "Hey, a guy can dream."
"Yes, he can," Angela agreed and lowered the top to hip level while she unfolded it. "But he doesn't have to anymore." She watched Tony's Adam's apple bob up and down as he swallowed, taking her in.
Sometimes she grew wistful at the thought that they had only had such a brief time to enjoy their newfound closeness wholly carefree. About two weeks, from Thanksgiving until mid-December. Fatigue and nausea had overwhelmed her soon after, not to mention the dire consequences of the accident and their terrible fight early in the new year.
They were on the other side of all of that now, and she was grateful for it. Just as she was grateful for the gradual rounding out of her belly, and for the first, soft flutters down below. She had everything she would not have dared to even dream of less than a year ago. But on nights like this, a part of her did regret that they had missed out on the lighthearted, passionate start of a new relationship.
Tony cleared his throat. With a slight shake of his head, he said: "That was some night, huh?"
"It was." Slowly, she slid her arms into the sleeves, holding eye contact with Tony as long as she could before pulling the plaid flannel over her head.
"I still think it was good we didn't- you know." When Tony came back into focus, his gaze went off to the side, as if he were looking back through time, at the two of them in that dingy motel room, all undressed and with no place to go.
The air had been alive with tension and desire that night, and if it had been up to Angela, they would have thrown caution to the wind and risked it all.
"Don't get me wrong." Tony licked his lips. "I wanted to so badly. I wanted you. God. I mean …" He looked her up and down. "Having just found out that it was us as kids, too. And after that kiss on your birthday. But the truth is, I don't think I could have handled it back then."
It stung a little to hear him say that, even though Angela knew that he was likely right. It was brave of him to admit it, too. And so she smiled. "I think we did the right thing. It was worth the wait."
Knowing what she did now about how deep some of Tony's insecurities ran, she was glad that this wasn't the summer of 1985, and they weren't facing an unplanned pregnancy only a year into knowing each other. *
Tony nodded. "But man, it took us a long time."
Angela grabbed her pajama bottoms and stepped into them. Now fully dressed, she made her way over to the bed.
"If you ask me, it took us exactly as long as it was supposed to take. Don't you think?"
Tony reached for her hands and pulled on them to get her to come closer until she stood between his thighs with her knees against the edge of the mattress.
"Is that a line from your mother's playbook? You know, 'unseen forces pushing us together' and all that?"
"Well, I am her daughter."
"That you are," Tony hummed and looked up at her, suddenly serious. "How are you feeling? Those cramps any better?"
"Mh-hm. They stopped after dinner. I feel okay. If a little sad that things didn't go so well with the kids."
"I know."
"But what is it that Mother always says? We shouldn't underestimate them."
"They're good kids," Tony said as he brought his hands to rest on her hips, "and I'm sure they're going to be great siblings for this one here."
"Boy, girl, or giraffe, huh?"
He furrowed his brows. "Yeah, I don't know where that came from. I'm sorry if it was weird."
Angela ran a hand through his hair and slowly let it slide down behind his ear and on to the back of his neck, feeling the muscles underneath his skin. How could it be that such a strong man was also so very sweet?
"It wasn't weird at all. And I think you made a very important point."
Tony gently squeezed her hips. "No matter what, right?"
"No matter what."
ooooooooo
"It was good seeing the little birdie today," Tony said after a moment, hooking his index fingers under the waistband of her pajama pants. "And I know you think I shouldn't, but I still feel bad for passing out on you like that."
"I think you're being very hard on yourself," she said gently.
Tony shrugged. "I wanted to be there for you."
"And you were."
"Yeah," he scoffed. "Until I wasn't. I mean, what if it happens again, you know? When you're- when the baby comes. I want to help you. But what kind of help am I going to be lying on the floor of the delivery room?"
"We still have some time to prepare," Angela said and reached up to stroke his bicep. "Dr. Solomon gave me a list of places that offer Lamaze classes. Remember, we talked about that. I think they show videos, too. So you'll know what to expect."
"Yeah, I guess," Tony said half-heartedly, which Angela took as confirmation that there was more to this than mere jitters at the prospect of childbirth.
They looked at each other. Both knew that there was a conversation they had yet to finish, and Angela sensed that this might be the beginning. Slowly, she twisted out of from between his legs and sat next to him on the bed.
"Tony?" She took his hand. "Can I ask you something?"
"Sure."
"This afternoon, right before the nurse came back, you said you're 'not good around medical stuff. Not anymore.' What did you mean by that?"
Of course Angela knew what he meant. Who he meant.
As Samantha's mother and Tony's first wife, Marie came up in conversation often enough. Angela would never meet her, but over the years Tony and Sam, Mrs. Rossini and Nick Milano had told plenty of stories to help her form what she thought was a pretty good idea of the kind of person Marie had been, and of the life the Micelli family, their friends and neighbors had led.
Up to a point, at least.
Angela knew very little about what Marie, Tony and Samantha had gone through once Marie got sick. She had always wondered but never pried, suspecting that it was too painful for Tony to think, let alone talk about.
But now Angela felt that she had to ask him about it, even if in an indirect way.
Tony had never seemed uncomfortable in medical settings before – not when he had to have an emergency appendectomy, and not when he first sprained one ankle and then sustained a hairline fracture to the other one. Or when he had ridden along with Jonathan in the ambulance after he broke his shoulder doing gymnastics. Jonathan had told her about it afterwards, his little face glowing with pride as he said he hadn't been scared at all because Tony was there with him.
Something had changed since then, and Angela suspected that it had to do with their new relationship and – like almost all the other turbulences in their lives – with the pregnancy.
"Ever since the accident, you have been saying things here and there, and I can't help but wonder if maybe-" She took a deep breath. "If this is difficult for you? Hospitals, and going to doctor's appointments? Is it because of Marie?"
There was no point in beating around the bush. If she had learned one thing from their huge blow-up back in January, it was that they couldn't allow anything to fester between them. Sure, maybe a few hours after an amniocentesis wasn't the perfect night for a conversation like this. But tomorrow there would be something else, and something else the day after that.
Tony turned their hands over in his lap until her her open palm faced up. "Sweetheart," he began hoarsely, but didn't say anything else.
From the set of his shoulders and his breathing, Angela could tell that she was on to something. Tony was fighting for his composure.
"You don't have to tell me. But if you want to talk about it, I'm here to listen. Any time."
"I didn't-" Tony started again, then cleared his throat noisily. "I didn't think it was gonna get to me like that. You know, the doctor, and the nurse. That needle." He exhaled. "And being in the hospital after the accident, seeing you hurt like that."
Angela scooted closer to him on the bed, pressing the outside of her left thigh against his right.
"I was scared that I was gonna lose you, too," he continued haltingly. "Or that we'd lose the baby. And I couldn't help you."
"Oh, Tony."
"It was the same hospital."
"What?" she asked, her stomach slowly dropping out on her.
"Where they brought us back in January. Brooklyn Hospital. That's where Marie died."
"You never told me that."
Tony looked at her. "I try not to think about it. And I don't, usually. It was so many years ago. But it was the worst thing, Angela. Marie was in so much pain, and she was so scared. And there was nothing I could do."
Angela felt tears burning behind her eyes and tried her best to blink them away. "I can't even imagine."
"The first thing the doctors told us when we found out Marie was sick was that we weren't gonna have any more kids. That alone almost killed Marie. And I was sad, of course. But we already had Sam, and I guess I would have been okay, as long as I got to keep Marie, you know?"
Angela nodded, unable to speak.
"It was awful. What she went through, Angela. Surgeries and chemo, all the pain – I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. It's such a fucked-up process, too. The doctors, they come in giving you hope, and sure thing, treatments work for a while, until they don't. Then whatever little bit of hope you had gets snatched away. Marie was gone in less than a year, and it was just Sam and me, and I think I just ran on some kind of autopilot for a long time after."
By now, Angela had given up on trying to stifle her tears, she let them trickle down her cheeks freely.
Tony found the engagement on her left ring finger and ran the pad of his thumb slowly over it. "I never- I didn't think I'd ever fall in love again, you know? That part of me was- I guess I switched if off or something. And I never thought about having more kids. Until … well, until I came here, and I met you, and suddenly I started wanting all those things. I guess what I'm trying to say is that all of this is bringing up some pretty heavy stuff for me."
Angela closed her hand around his. "Of course. After what you and Marie and Sam went through. Thank you for telling me. Please don't feel that we can't talk about it. And about Marie, if you want to."
Tony shrugged. "You already have so much on your plate, I didn't want to make this a problem."
"Oh, Tony, it's not. It's your history. Yours and Samantha's."
"Yeah, I guess you're right." Tony sat up straighter and ran a hand through his hair. "And don't get me wrong, it's not like I got things confused. I know that that was then, and this is now. But It's almost like- In baseball there comes a point where in a certain situation, in a certain play, your body just knows what to do. Muscle memory or something. I got a lot of that when it comes to my wife being in the hospital, and doctors and nurses and needles and not knowing what to do."
Then he paused, as if to collect his thoughts, and even though Angela wanted to say something to take his pain away, she knew better than not to let Tony finish.
"The bottom line is, I want to support you as best I can, and I don't want anything to happen to you, or the baby."
Angela swallowed and drew their hands into her lap, so they were cupping her small belly from either side.
"We'll both make sure, okay?" she whispered into his ear before nudging the side of his face so he would turn towards her, knowing full well that there were many things that they would never be able to prevent. But a lot of others they could, or they could at least try, and she chose to hold on to that.
Soon enough, their lips found each other, and they sealed their promise with a kiss.
ooooooooo
A few cups of tea and a foot massage later, they lay in the warm darkness of the bedroom, Tony once again the big spoon to Angela's little one.
Not everything was solved after one conversation. Angela wasn't naïve. She suspected that the loss of Marie would continue to come up as the pregnancy progressed, and as they moved closer to getting married. But for the moment, she felt that they were at peace.
Except, maybe, for the niggling thought of their yet-to-be-planned wedding. They had talked about it from time to time, but somehow never managed to set anything in stone. Other concerns had always taken precedence. First the accident and their fight, then the physical and emotional recovery, not to mention their latent worries about Jonathan and having to decide on the amniocentesis.
Suddenly it was March, and Easter was only three weeks away. Her belly would only grow faster from here on out, and she was sure that she would be huge by the time they finally got their act together and organized a wedding. Unless, of course, Tony could be persuaded to make it a smaller affair ...
"Sweetheart?" he asked, and she could have sworn that he had read her mind when he continued. "I noticed those people at the doctor's office, they kept calling me Mr. Bower."
"I know," she groaned quietly. "I'm sorry about that."
"It's not your fault," Tony said, sounding almost amused as his left hand slowly stroked her stomach. "But I cannot say I enjoyed it very much."
"Neither did I."
"So, I was thinking," he said in a low voice close to her ear, "that we might want to get started on planning that wedding of ours." He pressed first one, then another, and another soft kiss to her neck. "Because I for one can't wait to make you Mrs. Micelli. The sooner, the better."
"Mhhm," Angela sighed in the affirmative as a pleasurable shudder ran through her, both at the sensation of Tony's lips on her sensitive skin, and because she, too, wanted to become Mrs. Micelli. "I would like that very much."
"Good," Tony hummed as he continued to pepper her with little kisses. "Very good. I promise, you won't regret it."
Fun fact: The inspiration that eventually turned into Private Talks initially took the shape of a story draft in which Tony and Angela have sex after Angela throws Tony the anniversary dinner at the end of season two. I have quite a few chapters of that version of their story flying around on my computer. Maybe I'll post them someday. It's basically another AU version of fate forcing their hands into building a family together in a timely manner. ;)