"It is Day…" My eyes drifted over to the etches on the wall of the ship beside my bunk bed that I was sitting on, below Wrecker's, the marks symbolizing the days that had passed. "1,095." I continued my monologue as I looked back at the holoprojector on the mattress in front of me and blew out a lengthy raspberry of exhaustion, leaning back against the wall behind me. "I miss you more than anything." I spoke to the image of myself that the device reflected back at me as it recorded, imagining Rue on the other side. We'd lost contact with base a week into our journey, forgetting that they scrambled their signature every so often to prevent the empire from tracing their transmissions, so we had no way to communicate with them and no way to guess their frequency. The last time we talked, we hadn't even known it had been the last, so we hadn't even gotten a proper goodbye. If we contacted every possible combination in the galaxy, searching for them, people would likely become suspicious and no doubt recognize the name of who I was searching for as the current most wanted bounty in the universe. So I hadn't spoken to my wife in 1,090 days, I kept track, hoping the number would slowly begin to seem less shocking so that when I found out how long it had been at the end of all this torture, I wouldn't be completely taken aback since I would've gradually acclimated my self to it. My method failed, however, only serving as an attribute to how depressing our circumstances were. The longest I'd gone without speaking to Rue was 8,030 days, but that was before I met her, before I knew how much I needed her in my life, to hear her thoughts and her opinions in her sweet, soft voice. Now that I had heard a fraction of them, I didn't think I could be deprived of them for much longer or I might go insane. 8,030 days was a record I wanted to beat, using days I had spoken to her though, rather than not. I was failing at that too, wasting valuable time that could've been better spent at her side where a loving husband should be. "I miss you more than words can say." I shrugged, at a loss for words. I didn't even know why I was recording these diary entries. I couldn't send them to Rue and I knew I wouldn't want to show them to her when we got back because I couldn't tell you how many times I'd had to pause the recording because I'd begun sobbing uncontrollably on camera. Perhaps I only filmed them to trick myself into thinking I had talked to Rue that day, though it was a poor substitute. I winced, feeling a sharp pang shoot up my leg. I leaned forward and rolled up my pant leg, examining the bullet wound Ahsoka had flimsily bandaged, thankfully it had missed any major arteries and hadn't hit the bone. I hadn't told Rue about the injury I had recently suffered, but I had told her about Wrecker's assistance in honing my blaster skills. I had a much better aim now with my fear of guns nearly conquered and my training intensified, we still needed to improve on my defense though, which was how I'd sustained the damage in the first place. I had been too focused on my offense, blasting, since I'd practiced so much with shooting at a target that wasn't shooting back, that I hadn't paid attention to the fact that those targets were live and would retaliate. More and more I got the feeling that I was only holding the team back, that I shouldn't have come, that it would've been better for me to have stayed at base, that I had disappointed everyone. These were also things I refrained from telling Rue. What was the point of having a diary then, I wondered. "Don't worry about me," I instructed as I rolled my pant leg back down to my ankle. "I'm fine," I assured the non-existent person on the other end as I leaned back again and swiped the air with my hand. "I think I'm actually the life of the party here." I chuckled, remembering how I'd tried to get the group to play Dejarik with me in days past. We had a table here, but it was dusty and untouched. I was the youngest member here, so I was always bored while everyone else was tired. "That should tell you how dull things are around here." I looked at my slim face in the reflection, stroking each cheek as I turned it to face the hologram, knowing I'd lost weight on the trip, surviving solely on rations in between lengthy planet hops. If Rue ever did watch these, she'd see how much "fun" I was from previous tapes, so if I was the most entertaining one here, that spoke volumes for the rest of the gang's energy. I sighed, waiting for the next topic of conversation to spring into my head. It was difficult, engaging in a one-way conversation. "I hope the kids are doing well," I said, nodding. I knew I said that in every recording, the same as I did with my closing statement, but there were just some things that always stayed the same. My love for Rue and my love for the kids were two that constantly remained. "Today is Ria's birthday," I said factually, looking off into the distance, remembering the date 4 years ago that I'd carried Rue to the medic and waited all day, hearing her faint screams, knowing there was nothing I could do about it, until finally, I was invited in to meet my daughter. I thought that was the longest time we'd ever have to be apart. Three birthdays I'd missed for Ria now, I wondered if she remembered me, what she looked like now, if her hair had darkened at all to my shade or if it'd stayed the same hue as her mother's. I hoped it had stayed the same, if at all possible, I wanted Ria to basically be a clone of her mother, for her to be as similar to her as possible. The galaxy needed more Rues, force knows that. "I miss her so much," I croaked as I tilted my head back to look at the slats in the bottom of the frame above me, concealing my eyes, which were watering with tears, from the recording. I'd never been much of a family man. I never cared for our family's dynamic growing up, how I always felt so left out, how we were all so detached from each other, consumed in our own lives. I never wanted that for any of my offspring, so I vowed never to have children at all, or be tied down by a wife. When I moved away from my family, that would be the last family that I would ever be a part of. I wanted to be alone and free, but all of that changed when I met Rue. Immediately, I knew I wanted to marry her and raise children with her. My view of married life and fatherhood were completely skewed, neither tied me down, they instead liberated me from my selfishness. It was fulfilling to serve Rue and to serve the kids. There were added blessings to having a family too, their support and comfort were most welcome, especially now, when I needed it the most. "Our next stop is Nar Shaddaa." I sniffled and looked back down at the hologram, trying to shift gears so that I didn't end up crying again. I'd never been much of a cryer, I'm not sure when I became so emotional. I know the first time I felt like crying since my father's accident, which had been the only experience I'd cried at thus far that I was aware of, was when Rue was walking down the aisle, when I saw my future walking towards me. I'd held it in though, until Ria was born, that was the first time I'd let Rue see me actually allow the tears to flow. After that, I cried at almost anything. I'm not sure if all fathers experienced the same thing or not. I'd been too ashamed to ask my father, and the only person I would've asked, the only person, aside from Rue, that I didn't feel ashamed around, had been killed before I could ask him. I suddenly remembered I'd told her we were visiting the nostalgic planet, reeling myself back into the topic of conversation. I realized that it wasn't likely that Thrawn would bring Rebel back to the planet on which we'd met, but perhaps that was what he wanted us to think and perhaps he didn't know everything about her past, including that they'd lived there together for 2 years. She probably wouldn't willingly divulge that information and the empire obviously hadn't previously known that, otherwise they would've found them. "Who knows?" I shrugged rhetorically. "Maybe Thrawn brought her back there," I theorized. "It's worth a look." I defended our not skipping over it, simply assuming that just because she'd been found there before, didn't mean she couldn't be found there again. We hadn't given up hope yet, I owed it to Rue not to surrender to the hopelessness of the situation since I'd been so confident she could be found, so much so that I'd practically forced her into letting me go. I'd been too arrogant and it was my downfall. Now, I just wanted to go home, but I couldn't return empty-handed and I was sure that if Rue were in my position, she wouldn't give up either, but I couldn't see her to ask her for certainty. We didn't even know if they were still on Kashyyyk or if the empire had already wiped them out. That was probably the worst part, the not knowing. We stayed away from the News for fear of what we might discover and we refrained from asking people about it, in case they might become suspicious of us for asking such questions or because of our reactions to their answers. "We're going to eat at the diner." I grinned at the mention of the place where Rue and I first met. When I woke up that day and chose to eat there for the first time, I hadn't known that that day would officially be labeled as the day that best thing that ever happened to me. It was a series of events I could only think to thank the force for putting into motion. I had planned on visiting a few sentimental sights around town, the diner, the park, the apartments, to distract myself from the lack of progress with our mission. "I'll tell Dave 'hi' for you." I had also already promised myself I'd thank Rue's boss, the man who'd protected her for 2 years before I'd came around by not turning her over to the empire and the man who'd allowed me to steal her away during her lunch breaks just to talk to her as well as for being partially responsible for introducing me to the woman who was now my wife. I thought about what else I could inform Rue of as I drummed my finger against my knee, looking around the room Wrecker and I had masculinized with our dirty laundry and ration refuse scattered about the quarters, it could definitely use a woman's touch. "I had a dream about you last night." I took my mind off of it as I looked back at the recorder. I always did, every night I dreamt of her. It was probably the only thing keeping me somewhat sane, seeing her each night. Of course, it was always very unpleasant to wake up to an empty space next to me in bed when I'd been convinced she was here, her presence palpable, but it was successful at the time in pushing me through another night. I recalled the illusive images that I had been so immersed in. "We went to Canto Bight to watch a faither race," I described the setting of the dream to her, having never been to Canto Bight before, so my mind formed an idea based on pictures, yet I knew in my gut the place had been the casino filled capital city of Cantonica. "And you had on one of those giant hats." I mimicked fitting a hugely rimmed hat over my head as I summoned the scene to mind again and it made me laugh. The memory of the brim flopping over her eyes as she tried to take in the view of the city lights and I kept having to unobstruct her line of sight by lifting it up again and again after the wind kept blowing it back down, competing with me in a battle of endurance. I didn't mind though, because everytime I lifted it out of her way, I caught a glimpse of those angelic blue eyes that I longed to see in real life. "You were so adorable." I reminisced, looking down at my lap as I pictured her how I'd seen her last night, sitting beside me at the track in her cocktail dress that I couldn't exactly describe, it only really mattered to me who was in the dress. Her hat though, I remembered it to the letter. It was white with a black stripe running along the edge of the brim and a black band around the bottom of the domed portion and her golden blonde hair shone underneath it in the moonlight. I'd have to get her a hat like that, she looked so cute in it. I realized the mistake I'd made in using the past tense in my statement and corrected myself. "You always are." I gave her a soft smile. "I love you," I held up my hand in the universal symbol for 'I love you', my pinkie finger up towards the sky, my pointer finger up in the same direction, and my thumb sticking out to the side. "Always." I leaned forward as I whispered to her and blew her a kiss before stopping the video. "Ready?" Ahsoka peered over the edge of the doorframe and patted the wall. I nodded as I looked in her direction, wondering how long she'd been there. "The search continues," I said as I braved a smile.