"You're weak," A man's guttural voice hissed at me as a blow landed on the back of my head, knocking me to the cold, hard ground. I landed on my hands and knees as the punch rattled my brain around in my skull and my sight was black. "A coward." A kick to my abdomen, causing me to roll over onto my back and producing a coughing fit from me as I looked up at the figure looming over me whose face was shaded, but it looked familiar, like someone I'd just met so their features were fresh in my mind. Once they sneered at my feeble attempt to stop their attacks by holding my hands up in front of my face, palms facing them, I realized it was Jacen, the lead spy for the rebellion. "No," I rasped and waved my hands back and forth as I shook my head. "No, please." I begged after taking a hard swallow. "You can't take care of her the way that a real man should." He bared his teeth at me and I knew he was talking about Rue. He wanted her, I saw it in the way he looked at her. That seemingly natural twinkle in his eye, making him appear more charming than he was, softened his ice cold blue gaze when he looked at her, making them melt at her beauty. It was the same way I looked at her, only I worried it wouldn't be enough that I possessed one ability the same as him, that he was able to win her over with only a look because he was older than me, more successful, better liked, he had everything I wanted effortlessly. I hadn't told Rue I noticed the desirous look in his eyes because if she hadn't recognized it earlier, there was no sense in pointing it out now. I wanted to keep her as my own for as long as possible. "You don't deserve her." He squatted down, crouching beside me as he shook his head and told me what was not new information. I already knew she was way out of my league, how I landed her in the first place, I'll never figure out. "She wants to be with me," he growled proudly as he poked himself in the chest with his thumb. I woke up in a cold sweat, panting and groping at my suffocating shirt collar, feeling as though it might strangle me as I sat up in bed. "It's okay, it's okay," Rue whispered comfortingly as she stroked my hair and I became aware that she was hugging me, rocking me back and forth slowly as the black and gray spots faded from my vision. I hugged her back, shaking and still gasping. "It wasn't real," she assured me unhypocritically, just factually. "I'm here," she confirmed by squeezing me tighter which made me feel consoled, rather than claustrophobic. She knew just what to say to reassure me that she wasn't going anywhere and it should've been enough for me to believe her, but some small part of me trusted in the nightmare, that she really did want to be with Jacen, even though there wasn't any evidence to suggest that. "I've got you." Her steady breathing established an example for me to follow and an attainable goal to reach. Soon enough, we were taking deep breaths together in unison, reinstating the connection I'd harbored with her before I'd left three years ago. I smiled and rested my chin on top of her head, feeling relaxed enough to fall asleep again just like this. "Have you been having those more recently again?" She disappointingly pulled her head away from my chest, out from underneath my chin and looked up at me as she asked her question. Until after that first torture session with Palpatine, I hadn't had nightmares since I was a child, and even then they were never this realistic. It had taken several weeks of talking to Rue about my dreams before I was able to overcome them, now though, they were back. They started out as small at first, trivial things, like temporarily losing sight of Ria inside a store, or the likeness to it, but they quickly enhanced, becoming more lifelike, severe, and frequent. However, this time, I didn't have Rue there to calm me down, only a dormant Wrecker who could not be awakened by even the loudest of my screams as if in a comatose state so I'd, shamefully, relapsed into old habits to cope. "Kinda," I shrugged and scratched my head, looking off to the side at one of the bedposts, unable to look Rue in the eyes as I slightly fibbed towards her by not revealing to her the extent of grimness in the dreams. "Yeah." I looked back at her, being slightly more truthful. "Yeah?" She asked softly, raising her eyebrows, prompting me to continue as she nurturingly rubbed my shoulder in a circular motion with her palm. "What are they about?" She situated herself in a more comfortable position, crossing her legs as she readied herself to listen, looking up at me with intrigue. "Nothing," I couldn't bring myself to tell her about all of the horrid things I'd dreamt about for fear they might enter her mind and haunt her. I had made a terrible mistake in disclosing the content of my nightmares to her the first time, projecting my fears and pain onto her when I only wanted to bring her joy. I knew better now, I had to protect her, especially now more than ever, to show her that I wanted her for far more commendable reasons than Jacen did. He only wanted her for selfish reasons, I wanted her for what I could do for her. She never struck me as someone who needed taking care of, but as someone who was lacking the nonessential things in her life, something even she didn't know she needed, adventure, excitement, and security. I thought I could provide those things, I thought I could be her missing piece as she had been for me. When I first saw her, something inside me awakened, the first real compassion for another sentient being, deeper, stronger, more comprehensive than friendship. She filled a void in my heart and I owed it to her to give her the same thing, but by telling her what I'd truly seen in those illusions, I would only increase that feeling of fear in her that I was fighting so hard to eliminate. "Just the usual," I said vaguely. "Goodnight." I ended the conversation, knowing she wouldn't ask any more if she thought I needed rest, no matter how much she wanted to pry further. I kissed her forehead and rolled over as I laid back down in bed so that my back was towards her, unable to bear the look of confliction on her face. "Goodnight," she said reluctantly and leaned over me to kiss my cheek, sliding back down to lay beside me moments later.
"We can talk about this later, okay?" I flashed a quick glance behind me as I seized the doorknob, my heart telling me to look her way because it didn't like feeling this way and it knew that when I looked at Rue I felt nothing but pleasant things, yet my brain contended that I wouldn't be able to handle the hurt expression on her face. I didn't intend to be snippy, I just didn't want to argue anymore. After being apart for three years, I expected us to agree with everything one another said. I figured we would especially be in agreement about this particular matter, assuming she would want a break from the kids after having constantly been around them these past few years, I thought I'd be doing her a favor. I also didn't want to make the same mistakes with our children I'd made when I was young. By dropping out of school, I wondered what other amenities I'd be abandoning and if I would be more successful today. I didn't want to pass on that uncertainty to anyone, much less my own kids. Plus, the pain in my leg was probably causing me to be more easily set off than normal. I opened the bedroom door only to be trampled by Ria, Kai, Kali, and Armani. "Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!" The triplets cried as they tackled me and I, being off balance, fell on my back and dropped my cane, letting it fall to the ground beside me, but I simply laughed at my clumsiness, dismissing the soreness in my back and elbows as I let them crawl all over me. The way they said my title was no longer babyish and they used the full word, their voices clearer. "Appa!" Ria sat on my chest and straddled me with her legs as she threw her hands in the air enthusiastically. Her hair was long, curly, and blonde and her cheeks weren't as round. I didn't know if we could still call her by her nickname 'chipmunk' anymore. Her eyes were still a bright blue, a darker shade than Rue's, but no less familiar. "There's my babies!" I sat up, holding onto her sides as if she might totter though she had grown so much since I last saw her and likely mastered the art of balance. I looked at Kai, jumping back and forth over my legs while giggling and Armani, sitting facing my feet as she measured the size of her hands up against my large shoes. "That aren't such babies anymore," I remarked sentimentally as my bottom lip pouted and I looked at Kali, lifting up my tall cane by the middle of it in her tiny hands. "Look at you!" I booped Ria on the nose and she chuckled, wiping at the spot I'd touched with the backs of her hands. "All grown up!" I patted the top of Kai's head as he came closer and he put both hands where mine had been and looked up at his wrists proudly, indicating his stature. "You're all so big now!" I leaned to the side and looked at Armani as she grabbed the toe of my shoe and rocked my foot side to side, entertaining herself. "What happened?" Kali hovered her hand over where my bullet wound was concealed underneath the layer of pants I was wearing after she had finished toying with my cane. She looked over at me proddingly as I assumed she could sense the pain exuding off of my leg through the force. "Oh, I got a boo-boo," I said in terms they could understand as I rolled up my pant leg, revealing the bandage that had a patch of blood soaking through it since the injury was still fresh. I didn't want to gross the kids out, but I also didn't want to hide anything from them, I wanted them to know I could be totally transparent with them as they could be towards me. "Oh no!" Ria said, turning around to examine it. She crawled down my body and sat next to my leg as she leaned over to kiss it. "Kisses make it better," she said with a smack and I chuckled at the simplicity of the solution. "Aww, thank you, princess." I affectionately brushed Ria's wild, tangly curls with my fingers. "Wanna go play?" I asked, looking around at each of their four innocent faces, hoping to be associated with a less grim activity than this one. "Yeah!" They all cheered in unison, pumping their fists in the air and spinning around in circles. "Let's go!" I hopped up, remembering to grab the cane as I rose to my feet and hunched over to reach the kids' small hands as they led me to the play room. Inside was the dollhouse I'd handbuilt for Ria stocked with dolls and miniature furniture I'd never seen before. She introduced them all to me by name and assigned me a role as one of her dolls in a pretend scenario of theirs. I played one handedly with the girls while flying toy planes with Kai with my other hand. It was exhausting, but such a blast at the same time. That is, until we were interrupted. The door creaked open and Jacen peered inside, crooking his finger at the triplets while seeming not to notice me as I instinctively began to shield them from him, stretching out my arms in front of them. "Oh," he shook his head, as if doing a double take and actually looked at me. "Sorry." He apologized insincerely at his previous disregard of my presence as he lifted one shoulder slightly in a shrugging motion. "I was just going to take the triplets to their force sensitivity training." He crooked his finger at them again, this time with more urgency and raised his eyebrows at them sternly. I felt that if there was anywhere they needed to be taken, I should've been the one to transport them since I was here now. Rue didn't need anyone else picking up the slack around here, I was capable of doing it all myself, but this seemed routine to the triplets by now as Kai applied gentle pressure to my arm to lower it enough for him to step over. "Oh, okay." I forced a smile as I hesitantly dropped my arms. "Have fun." I rubbed Kai's back as he walked past me and towards Jacen. I wondered how long the kids had known they were not quadruplets, that the triplets were a separate entity from Ria, and why I hadn't been involved in the decision to tell them. Perhaps they hadn't been told though, or they couldn't count yet, because Ria stood up to follow them. "Where are you going, Ria?" I asked casually as I leaned forward, wanting to pull her back towards me, but squeezed my hands over my crossed ankles to refrain from carrying out the action. "With Jay," she answered, equally as casual, jerking her thumb towards where he stood lingering in the doorway, the triplets gathered around his legs, holding onto them as they'd done to me when they were little. I found it strange that there was not an Uncle before his name, as if he could not be considered as a brother to Rue, but of a different relation. "Could you stay here with me maybe?" I asked, pressing the tips of my pointer fingers together as I looked down at them shyly. I felt awkward about saying what I was preparing to say, especially in front of another guy, one I'd just had a nightmare about being beat up by on top of all that, but, kriff it, that's my daughter that he was trying to take, I couldn't allow that to happen. I wanted to spend time with her, make a lasting impact on her childhood. "I like playing dollhouse with you." I searched only for her reaction when I said that as I silently tapped my finger against the slanted roof of the dollhouse. She stood still, looking at me blankly, then blinked twice. "Okay," she said indifferently, shrugging and walking back over towards me. It wasn't exactly the reaction I'd hoped for, but it'd accomplished my objective nonetheless. I held out my arms to her and smiled welcomingly as she drew nearer, then hugged her and sat her down in my lap facing away from me as Jacen shut the door. "I missed you, Cupcake," I said into the back of her head fondly and held her close to me as she reached out for her dolls on the second story of their miniature house. "I missed you too, Appa." She squirmed, trying to reach one of her toys on the far back of the shelf. "Do the triplets go to force training everyday?" I asked as I helped her stand up and she continued playing. "Uh-huh," she replied distractedly and nodded. "Did you want to go with them?" I asked tentatively as I reached out to stroke her mesmerizingly soft hair. I selfishly preferred not to know the truth, rather to believe that she favored being with me. If she gave me an undesirable answer, I didn't know if I would be willing to let her go. "Not really." Thankfully, she shrugged and wrinkled her nose up in disgust, a trait she'd inherited from her mother. "It's boring," she complained, stomping the feet of her dolls down on the floor of the model mansion roughly. "Oh, yeah?" I asked curiously as I smirked at her bluntness and rowdy play, which she got from me. "What do they do?" I continued to fondle her locks of golden curls that glinted in the soft light, cascading off my fingers. She sighed as she began to explain, as if she had said this a dozen times and was tired of doing so. "Lift things," It was adorable to hear her young voice speak so maturely. "and listen to Master Kenobi telling them not to be afraid because that's the way to the darkside," she said as she exaggeratedly mimicked his accent and waggled her pointer finger, perfectly imitating how I imagined his warning would appear. If she had this attitude outside of class, she surely had the same one in class too, and she had to be pretty brave to have such an outward display of her dislike of Master Kenobi's teaching methods. I obviously had nothing to worry about when it came to her. "Good thing you don't have to worry about that," I said through a chuckle as I patted her head. "Because you're not afraid of anything, right, Cupcake?" I asked, stroking her cheek with my thumb. "Right," she confirmed with a swift and decisive nod of her head. "That's my girl," I said praisingly, feeling a paternal smile tug at my lips. "Appa," she said thoughtfully, pausing her play momentarily as she looked down at the ground. "How come the triplets call you "Daddy" and I call you "Appa"?" To tell you the truth, even I didn't know why the triplets had chosen to call me by a different name than Ria. Perhaps it was because the triplets had already begun to address Sawyer by that title and had just attached it to the next father figure they had seen. It would be a very early age for children to begin talking if that were the case, but it was believable since, with the aid of the force, they were maturing at a much faster rate than the average child. I tried to find a way to answer her with my hypothesis in a way that she would understand without shocking her with the information that her siblings were adopted and actually her cousins since, evidently, she didn't know the definition of triplets yet. "Because you're my special girl." Surely that didn't give anything away and it was technically correct since she was slightly more precious to me than her siblings, though it didn't mean I loved them any less. I thought of a way to illustrate it since kids seemed to learn by example. "Just like I call you "Cupcake" sometimes and not anyone else," I said as I ruffled her hair and she resumed her play. "JJ calls me "Peanut" sometimes and no one else." I felt my heart twinge with jealousy as she called him by a nickname and the thought of him building a relationship with my daughter made my stomach queasy. I took a deep breath, burying the sickness and envy deep down. "Oh, yeah?" I asked nonchalantly through clenched teeth. "He's around you kids a lot, isn't he?" I observed, arching my brow skeptically. "Yeah," Ria answered disinterestedly. "He's Mama's friend," she added, excusing the frequency of his company. I clenched my fists and a muscle in my jaw ticked as I looked at the door furiously. "Is that so?" I zoned out on whatever Ria said next as I stood up.