Rebels of The Void (Book Six)

by Rebel Rue

Tragedy has struck, and the Rebellion is in shambles and in desperate need of leadership. Determined to succeed for the fate of his family, Ash sets out on a quest to locate and rescue Rebel, but the journey is perilous and takes longer than he expected. How will the time apart change his relationship with Rue, the children, Rebel, the Rebellion, and reality itself?

10. Chapter 10, Rue POV

My feet drug as I trudged out of the bedroom, my head hanging. I wrapped my arms around myself to contain my splitting heart. This wasn't like Ash, he didn't snap at me and he certainly didn't walk away from conversations left unresolved. He didn't keep things from me either and last night he was being very secretive about his nightmare when he wouldn't tell me what it was about and instead abruptly ended our conversation. During these past three years apart, I wondered if we'd grown apart emotionally too and if we'd lost each other indefinitely. As I walked, my head down, not watching where I was going, I ran straight into Jacen's chest. "Oh," I looked up, startled, and held my arm with my opposite hand shyly. He tilted his head down to see me and looked at me affectionately. "I'm sorry." I apologized in a small voice through a nervous chuckle as I looked back down at our nearly touching feet and rubbed my arm with my hand. "Rue," he ignored my apology and delicately grabbed my shoulders, crouching down to meet my eyes. "What's wrong?" He asked sympathetically, his eyebrows furrowing in concern. "Nothing," I shrugged, wanting to keep Ash and I's problems private and between only he and I, where they belonged, but I found myself needing to blather about them to the first person I saw, hoping that would relieve the weight on my chest. Unfortunately, the first person I ended up seeing was the one person who's hands the issue definitely did not need to be in since it would just give him another reason to lobby himself as a candidate for me to go out with. "I just want to homeschool the kids," I tried to stop myself, but was powerless against the urge to as I spoke in a complaining tone, stomping my foot and propelling my fists down to my sides selfishly. "But Ash thinks we should send them to public school." I crossed my arms sourly and turned sharply so that my shoulder was now facing him as I jerked them out of his grasp, not wanting to be consoled at the moment. Unless Ash was apologizing to me, I preferred to wallow in my anger for now. My eyes narrowed at the wall I now glared at and Jacen held up his arms in surrender from what I could see from the corner of my eye. "Why does he want that?" He asked derisively and leaned back against the holotable. "He says it's so that they can socialize," I threw my hands up in the air and let them slap back down against my thighs as I turned back towards Jacen. "But there's plenty of people here for them to socialize with." I reasoned, loosely gesturing around to the passerby that had kept up a constant flow of foot traffic as we talked, more likely eavesdropping on our conversation than actually entering to complete tasks. "Yeah," he agreed, shaking his head up and down. "And you can monitor who they socialize with if they're here." Thank the force someone understood. That was precisely what I had been worried about if they were enrolled in school, falling in with the wrong crowd. Spies, bounty hunters, even imps themselves were all very real dangers in the great big galaxy lacking our supervision. Here, under our guidance and protection, they were shielded from the majority of those threats. "That's what I said." I shrugged, then folded my arms again. "You know," Jacen stroked his chin with his index finger and thumb as he looked up at the ceiling. "I was a teacher before I joined the rebellion." He reminded me of his previous profession which I had forgotten, if he'd even told me. I thought it suited him though, since he was so good with kids. "I could teach the kids here if you want," he offered and looked back down at me. "Really?" I asked rhetorically and puffed out a grateful breath, hoping Ash would agree to the compromise since we now had a designated educator. "That'd be amazing." I smiled appreciatively, but contemplated if I really had the authority to permit this without Ash's consent while also ruminating over just how appreciative I was of Jacen for all he'd done for my kids and how indebted to him I was. I couldn't allow this to continue with no viable means of repaying him. "I don't want to put you out though." I slunk backwards as I held my hands up to him, refusing to accept his offer, doing so in a considerate manner as I acted as if I were operating in his best interests, which, in all honesty, was what I was trying to do. I felt guilty I could not compensate him for his generosity in giving of his time to my children. "You've done so much for them already." I looked up at him, my eyes full of thankfulness as I fiddled with my fingers and nibbled on my lower lip. "It's no trouble." He smiled at me amusedly and took a step closer, grasping my waist with one hand and using the other to stroke my cheek with the edge of his thumb. I thought I saw him look down at my lips cravingly and lick his own lips, but before I could register what was happening, Ash's fist came flying towards Jacen's face and punched him squarely in the nose. Jacen removed his hands from my waist and the side of my face as they shot up to tent over the injured area. He stumbled backward and clutched the holotable with one hand as he caught himself from tumbling to the ground. Ash seized my waist and jerked me against him before stepping in front of me possessively and I could hear him seething with rage. "Stay the kriff away from my wife," he growled as he pointed his finger at Jacen hatefully. "Ash!" I scolded, curling the fingers of both of my hands around his flexed bicep to peer around his body shield. I've never seen Ash this enraged and it was disturbing because it seemed to cancel out any restraint that originated from promises he made me, not initiating fights and abstaining from cursing as much as he could since he had been a merciless fighter and a profound user of profanity before he met me. He had sworn the promises because he had said he wanted to be a better man for me, for our children, but today, he had broken both oaths, blinded by jealousy when I knew the old Ash, the one I married, would've been able to resist acting out of fury. I feared the violent, obscene talker that he had evidently grown into, but more importantly, I feared the regret he would feel when he realized the severity of the offense he'd just committed and the same remorse I would feel if I hadn't tried to force his brain to register it sooner. "What has gotten into you?" I asked, lightly shoving his shoulder to lengthen the distance between them and I stood in the gap between. "I'm so sorry, Jacen." I apologized, turning around to ensure he wasn't too terribly wounded while still holding Ash's shoulder with one hand to keep him back and he offered no resistance. I held out my other hand to help Jacen to stand upright and he took it, nervously watching Ash the whole time. "It's okay," Jacen said muffedly since his hand was in front of his mouth as he covered his nose. Once he was back on his feet, he yanked his hand away from mine as even I could feel Ash's fuming gaze boring into Jacen. I spun back around to face him and he almost looked betrayed. He had to know I hadn't encouraged Jacen in the slightest. I would never do that to him, and if he didn't know that, then he didn't know me at all. Sure, I enjoyed the attention I received from Jacen while Ash was gone, but I never would've allowed it to go farther than that. I pointed at him wordlessly, my other hand resting on my hip as I flicked my eyes towards our bedroom door to direct him where I wanted him to go. When he stubbornly refused to comply, I grabbed his arm and drug him to our quarters, granting my irritation at his supposed lack of trust in me to take over. "Okay," I shut the door with both hands once we'd set foot inside. "What's wrong?" I asked, motioning for him to follow me as I walked over to the bed and sat down on the edge of it. "Talk to me," I urged as I patted the space next to me on the mattress since he hadn't budged from where he had been standing once I'd let go of him. He looked down and fumbled with his fingers as he finally traipsed towards me. "Rue," he said quietly as he sat down beside me, the mattress sinking in a little with his added weight, causing me to tip towards him and lean on his arm. "Do you know that we've been apart for more of our marriage than we've been together for it?" He asked in a consulting manner as he looked over at me. By omitting the word 'if', it didn't matter if I knew it or not, it was a fact. After mulling over it for a moment, I realized that he was right. We've been married for five years and for three of those he had been away. I was unaware of if this was in answer to my question or if he was beginning a new thought. It would make sense if it had been in answer to my question though, it was a distressing truth and it would account for his distrust of me after having lost that sense of familiarity with each other and trust could not exist without familiarity. "Well, let's fix that," I said in answer, snuggling closer to him as I wrapped my arm underneath his. I resolved to spend as much time with him as possible to make up for what we'd lost, so much so that I wanted him to become annoyed with my company, though I hoped that was an extent I could never reach. "I was thinking the same thing." He shifted to face me better and dipped his head to meet my eyeline while supporting my chin with his familiarly calloused hand. "How would your husband feel if I took you out on a date?" He asked jokingly as he gave me his usual charming grin. "I don't know." I looked up at the ceiling thoughtfully as I struggled to suppress a smile at our typical playful teasing that I'd missed dearly. "Let me ask him." I looked back down at him, allowing my loving smile to shine through, making it obvious now that I was joking, but also because I couldn't contain a smile whenever I looked at him. "Can I go on a date with you?" I asked, batting my eyelashes as if to persuade him. "I'll allow it," he nodded, squinting his eyes skeptically. "But just this once." He held up his finger stingly and leaned towards me intimidatingly which made me giggle and look forward to spending some one on one time together again as we got to know each other as we had done when we were dating.

It was the night of our scheduled date that Ash had been anxiously preparing for for days. I hoped he wasn't planning anything too huge, otherwise I'd feel horribly guilty for paling in comparison as I did with all of Ash's gestures, but my hopes were in vain as I assumed this one would be just as grand as all the rest. As I prepared for dinner, dressing in my little black dress that I'd worn on the night Ash proposed to me, with its frilly skirt and thin shoulder straps, and fastened the clamp at the back of the diamond necklace that had belonged to Ash's mother, which he had gifted to me on our sixth date, I felt a slight flutter in my stomach. My hands darted to my abdomen and I wondered if perhaps it was only butterflies like I used to get before dates with Ash or if I could possibly be pregnant. All of the signs were there, I had been dizzy this morning getting up from bed, I've had a headache for the entire day, and I've felt nauseous at various times throughout the day. As the theory sunk in, panic, dread, and the trauma of losing Cole spread throughout my body. I should've been excited at the prospect of bringing new life into the galaxy, but now that I was more aware of the complications, I was terrified. I worried that if I did end up being pregnant, this baby would grow knowing only fear in the womb or I would perhaps be so nervous while pregnant that I would again cause the miscarriage of yet another one of my babies. Plus, I didn't want Ash to suffer through the pain of losing another child either. My wandering thoughts were thankfully interrupted by a knock on the door. We had decided to get ready the old fashioned way, separately, like we'd had to do when we lived next door to each other when we were courting, so I could only assume that it was Ash at the door, checking to see if I was all set. I looked back at the mirror in front of me and quickly fixed my hair one last time as I brushed my fingers through it, then straightened the diamond necklace on my chest and smoothed out my dress. I took a deep breath, concluding that I'd ignore the symptoms and focus on tonight just being about Ash and I as I turned towards the door. I walked towards it confidently, but wobbled, trying to convince myself it was only because it had been ages since I'd walked in heels. I cautiously stepped closer to the door and opened it to my husband standing in the entryway wearing a dapper new suit, his hair neatly disheveled as one of his hands was tucked behind his back and the other was atop his cane. He smiled and eyed me up and down, winking at me once he reconnected with my eyes and that's when I felt a different kind of flutter in my stomach. "Hello, gorgeous." He greeted me, leaning his cane on the wall to free up his hand to take mine and give it a kiss on the ring finger. "Hey, handsome." I swayed side to side excitedly, my dress swishing around where it stopped near my knees and I gripped the skirt of it tightly to prevent it from tickling me too much. He giggled at my enthusiasm, knowing my mannerisms when I was excited and pulled his hand out from behind his back, revealing the bouquet of lilies, my favorites, that he had been carrying. "These are for you." He extended the flowers towards me and I felt jittery all over again when our fingers merely brushed as he handed them to me. "Oh, Ash." I laid one hand over my heart gratefully and tutted at myself for being surprised. I should've known he would go all out, he's my husband after all. "They're beautiful," I commented as I felt the silky petals with my thumb. "Thank you so much," I said, looking back up at him and gathering the cluster of stems in both hands. "Not as beautiful as you." He took my chin in his hand and leaned towards me, puckering for a kiss, but I reared my head back suddenly, an idea springing to mind to make this date more authentic. "Oh, I don't kiss on the first date." Ash knew this from experience. I grabbed hold of his wrist and slowly lowered it so that I could shake my head with a teasing smile. "We'll see if you deserve it at the end of the night." I winked back at him and rocked back and forth on my heels shyly. He smirked as he squinted at me, pretending to be uncooperative, and I rose up on my tiptoes, pretending to threaten him into complying. "Fair enough," he said through a chuckle and eventually backed down, turning sideways and arching his elbow for me to latch on to as he grabbed his cane with his other hand. I nodded satisfiedly and hooked my arm underneath his, closing the door behind me. As we leisurely traveled down the hallway arm in arm, his staff clicking rhythmically on the ground with each step, I examined his suit in admiration. It wasn't one I remembered seeing him wear before, nor one that was in his closet when I frequently rifled through his clothes while he was gone just to treasure a small part of him. It was green which, in clothing, I would normally think looks vomitish, but on Ash it was very appealing and brought out the color of his eyes. "New suit?" I asked absent mindedly as I stared at it, cocking my head to view it from a different angle. "Yes," he flattened his palm against the emerald colored tie, ironing it against his chest. "I bought it specifically for tonight." He looked over at me intently and apprehensively as if worried I wouldn't like it. "I like it." I proved him wrong as I kept my eyes glued on the brightly colored fabric. "Thank you," he said through a relieved sigh. I was surprised to find he was this tense about tonight, he seemed way more nervous about this date than our first one even. Perhaps it felt like starting over to him too, but for him it was like starting over even more since our first date had been my first altogether, but for him, going on dates was routine. Now though, it had been the longest gap for him between dates in his life, or so I hoped. It was a terrifying sensation to have known someone so intimately then suddenly feel so distant from them. You'd conjured up a perfect version of the other person in your mind in an attempt to rationalize your longing for them and Ash was of course meeting, even surpassing, my expectations but I feared I would fail to reach his. "That's my favorite dress," he said, and I looked up to see him staring at my clothing as I had been at his moments ago with a nostalgic smile on his face. "Yeah?" I asked, feeling my own smile widen as I wondered if he remembered that he was actually the one who had bought it for me. "Yeah," he nodded, his eyes still fixated on the dress. "You wore that on one of the best days of my life." He pointed at me and then opened the door to the mess hall, allowing his bent arm to slip out from underneath mine. "The day you said yes," he whispered, hinting at our engagement, as he leaned towards me and held the door open for me to enter through. I gasped as I crossed the threshold and covered my mouth with my hand to hide the sound, then froze. All of the tables had been cleared out of the large room except for one small circular table in the middle of the cafeteria with a long, black tablecloth draped over it, the fringes dangling on the floor. There were two chairs placed on either side of the table facing each other and an empty glass flower vase in the center of the table as well as two champagne glasses at the corner of both table settings. The table settings included a plate, a napkin folded creatively on top of the plate, a collection of different sized forks to the left of the plate, and knives and spoons to the right of the plate. Beyond the table was a large rectangular window, the view currently shrouded by a thick black curtain so that a string of small spherical lights illuminated the room with their soft, yellow glow. Everything was absolutely perfect and it was such a romantic gesture that I couldn't possibly be upset at him for punching Jacen anymore, after all, he was only being protective of me even though he knew I could fend for myself. That was what had bothered me the most, he didn't seem to understand that I was capable of being independent, that I thrived on being able to fight my own battles. I greatly appreciated the way he shielded me from any and all harm, but sometimes I needed to prove to myself I wasn't just his incompetent wife. It just felt like he didn't trust me when he sheltered me sometimes, like I was too helpless to take care of myself, that was all, but perhaps I did the same thing to him. I suppose it's what you do to someone you love and you'll complain about feeling powerless until one day you'll truly be nothing but grateful it was there, you just hope you haven't run it off when that day comes. I guess that's what I need to do, accept Ash's protection as a loving provision and one day it may just save my life. I dropped my hand down to my heart and stepped inside further. "I'm impressed you remember," I said in relation to him knowing what I'd worn on that night five years ago as I looked back at him over my shoulder and he watched me with adoration as I took in my surroundings. "Of course I remember," he remarked as he strutted over to what was apparently my chair and pulled it away from the table edge for me to sit down in. "Thank you," I said with a bashful smile in response to his gentlemanliness as I walked towards the chair and sat down with him pushing the chair underneath me. I took the napkin from on top of the plate and unfolded it, placing it in my lap in a mannerly fashion while he limped around the table and pulled out his own chair, awkwardly lowering himself into a sitting position. He groaned involuntarily as he gripped the edge of the table and the top of his cane for support. I realized with guilt that I should've been the one to pull his chair out for him, not the other way around. He sighed satisfiedly once he was seated and he shifted into a more comfortable position, propping his cane up on a table leg. He stretched his arms out towards me across the table and gestured with his chin to the vase in between us, causing me to realize he wanted me to hand him the flowers so that he could put them in the glass vessel already halfway filled with water. I passed the lilies to him and he strategically placed the flowers into the water, spreading them out so that each one could be seen. He had everything so well prepared for tonight with even the most meticulous details covered, such as the utensils being fancily situated, leaving me with nothing to do except get dressed up and be present, but I had done more than that. Thankfully, Ash had told me the mess hall was where our date was going to take place so I'd hidden a big surprise for him inside the cafeteria that I'd reveal to him about halfway through our date. It was the least I could do since he'd taken care of securing a babysitter for the night, decorated the mess hall all by himself, and evidently prepared dinner since I knew he hadn't left base since he arrived and there was no live-in cook among us that I was aware of. Ash was pretty good in the kitchen, thanks to his mother's training so it was possible we would be having a meal fixed by his own two hands. "I understand you made dinner tonight." My dating voice reemerged, the soft, sophisticated, flirtatious tone I'd unconsciously used to charm Ash while we were seeing each other. "Well," he shrugged humbly and laid the napkin on his lap as well. "The kids helped," he said ambiguously and if he meant that literally, I would've loved to see that chaos unfold, from afar of course. I chucked just thinking about it and covered my mouth politely, though I had a suspicion that Ash would make me laugh many more times tonight and I'd gradually forget my manners. "I have a feeling you'll enjoy everything on the menu tonight," he winked and pointed at me, making me gulp embarrassedly and look down, my face burning as I thought he was making a suggestive remark. "And I hope you'll enjoy the view too." Afraid to look up, I did so timidly, only to see him with his hand around the string to pull back the curtains. He flicked his gaze over to the window meaningfully so I watched as the dark drapes parted, unveiling the stunning scenery. "Oh," I exclaimed and gasped as I smacked my hand over my heart, feeling its rapid beating underneath the skin of my chest. "It's beautiful!" I'd seen this same landscape thousands of times, but never at night. We were high above the treetops and the nightly dew on the leaves glistened in the light of the three moons as the foliage swayed to the gentle evening breeze and the melody of the insect calls. "This is my favorite spot." I sighed contentedly as I locked my fingers together and leaned my cheek on them, staring at a flock of Shyyyo birds flying by. It had been my favorite place at base even before today. Being the most elevated part of the stronghold, it had been the best place for observing the trees, it was also the biggest window in the entire base. "I know," Ash said. When I looked back at him, he was smiling at me and resting his chin in his hand. I didn't remember ever telling him that before, in fact, I didn't remember telling anyone that. Even if I had told him I preferred this particular spot to all others, I wondered how he could've possibly recalled that tiny detail after at least three years. "Drinks?" He asked, raising his eyebrows as he interrupted my pondering. "Yes, please." I nodded, leaning back in my seat. Ash stuck his fingers in his mouth and whistled towards the door as if to summon someone. The door swung open and Kai emerged, cradling a bottle of sparkling cider in the crook of his arm as he wore a white chef's uniform with buttons down the center and a stylish red bandana tied around his neck. His black dress shoes squeaked adorably as he approached us and he smiled proudly, ignoring the sound as he focused on his assignment. "Aww!" I cooed at his outfit, holding my hands over my heart. My adopted son stopped in front of us and bowed then handed the bottle to Ash for him to unscrew the cork. Kai patiently and responsibly waited to complete his task as he stood up straight and joined his hands behind his back. I giggled as I noticed a smudge of tomato sauce on his cheek and licked my thumb before wiping it off. "Mom!" He whined and swatted me away as he cringed. I had gotten used to him calling me that by now, but it still didn't feel right. Even though I loved him like a son, he wasn't mine to call my own. Ash stifled laughter as the cork popped off and he handed the bottle back to Kai. Our nephew poured a moderate amount into each glass, starting with mine and stopping when Ash indicated for him to by holding up his hand. As Kai hurriedly poured the cider into Ash's glass, the liquid sloshed and almost spilled out, causing Ash to lurch forward and hover both hands over either side of the bottle, just in case, as he cringed, sucking in a nervous breath through clenched teeth. "Careful," Ash gently admonished in a calm, soft voice, leaving his hands there for a moment before signaling to Kai that what he had poured was enough. "Good job, bud," he warmly commended him, patting him on the shoulder. Kai smiled, bowed once more, then departed with the bottle safely in both hands. I picked up the glass of sparkling cider and sipped at it, allowing the bubbles to douse my tongue, as I looked down at the walking stick Ash was forced to use. "How much longer do you have your cane?" I asked after I'd finished swallowing the fizzy drink and set it back down on the table. "About two more weeks," he answered, looking down at his legs and extending them straight out in front of him. I winced in sympathy pain for how much longer he would need to hobble around, but I wondered if it was nothing compared to how long he'd already dealt with it for. "How long have you had it so far?" I asked. "Hmm," he hummed thoughtfully as he concentrated on the ceiling. "A week, maybe?" He speculated as he looked back down at me with an unsure expression, pretending as if he hadn't kept track when how could you not with something as considerable as your first bullet wound? I wondered if he'd gotten his cane right away or if it had taken a few days for the medics aboard his ship to realize he needed it. "Is that when you got shot?" I asked and when he nodded contritely I wondered if, since it was so recently, that was when they had decided to give up on their search and come home. I was glad they had, regardless of the reason why. I didn't want Ash to be out there with limited medical supplies while he was injured when he could be here being properly taken care of. I hadn't asked them what had made them return, but he looked so guilty right now, it made sense for that to be why they had chosen to come back. I'm sure he felt extremely remorseful, like he was the one thing holding them back from finding her and I didn't want him to feel that way, not when I was sure he was already in physical pain on top of everything else. Besides, I was certain there were lots of other factors contributing to her unfindability. "Aww, poor thing." I pouted at the contrite look on his face. "Does it hurt?" I hoped he wasn't currently experiencing a lot of pain because I knew he would refuse to take anything for it because of his former addiction. "Not terribly." He shook his head and tried to smile convincingly, but I could tell he was hurting. "What about when it happened?" I asked, wondering if he would be transparent with me about any of it. "It was weird," he leaned forward and propped his elbows up on the table. "I didn't feel it until a few moments later." At least he would admit he did feel something. "At first, it was…" he paused, seeming to grope for the right word. "Numb." I spoke up, completing his sentence, understanding exactly how he felt since it was the same way I'd felt when I received my first bullet wound. It was in the back of my shoulder, I never would've seen it coming. We were surrounded by an entire legion of clankers on one of the many planets we visited while enlisted in the army. As they were closing in, a blast hit me from behind with enough force to knock me down. I hadn't felt anything at first as I lay there lifelessly on the ground, my limbs sprawled and contorted at unnatural angles, explosions erupting overhead, the only sign of survival was my breathing that I seemed to be inhaling in slow motion. I contemplated my existence and if this was how I died before Pouch came rushing over to rescue me and the pain began seering instantly, without warning, when he lifted me up and drug me over to a tree to prop me up against. It was how I'd met my medic. I'd told Ash the story, exaggerating the details to make it seem more heroic, but I hadn't told him how it'd really felt. I hoped it hadn't felt the same way to him because for me it had been such a transformative experience, but perhaps it had only been that way for a soldier, so monumental, because it was just fate, it was the beginning of a long history of occurrences. Maybe for a normal human it was different since the incident would be so foreign, they wouldn't even know what to think of it. Yet, at the same time, I hoped he had felt the same way so that we could sympathize with each other. If I'd truly had my pick though, I'd wish for it to have never happened to him in the first place. "Yeah," he said as if reading and comprehending my every thought, until I reminded myself of what we had been discussing and realized that he was simply agreeing with me on the description of what it felt like. "Does it make you feel sophisticated though," I cleared my throat and gestured to the cane, deciding to add a bit of humor back into the bleak topic since Ash did look like quite the gentleman when he walked around with his stick. "To walk around with your old man cane?" I asked as he arched an eyebrow, not understanding what I had meant. "It does actually." He nodded and snickered kidishly, which was adorable. "I feel…" he trailed off again, losing his words. "Accessorized," I guessed, feeling a similar way when I had an accessory with me. "You get me so well." He shook his head in disbelief and a smile spread across my face. It felt good to still be able to finish his sentences, no amount of time apart could change the fact that we were destined to be together. "Ready for appetizers?" He asked and I nodded eagerly, placing my hand over my stomach that rumbled hungrily at the mention of food. Ash cleared his throat towards the door loudly, obviously signaling someone. The door opened and Kali entered carrying two plates with domed metal lids over them, one in each of her flat palms. She was a better server than I had ever been, balancing both trays skillfully with ease. She was wearing a white blouse to match Kai's with the same number of buttons and in the same location on her chest, as well as the red bandana, only she wore a black skirt rather than black pants. "Good evening," she greeted us professionally as she approached. "Tonight, for your starters we have fried calamari drizzled in a sweet sauce." She identified the dishes as she placed them on top of the plates before us, having to come and stand beside our chairs in order for her short arms to reach our placemats; she was nearly the same height as the table. "Is everything to your satisfaction?" My niece asked courteously as she removed the cloches from over the nugget shaped calamari coated in a boiled, starchy mixture, a line of bright red sauce with flecks of something darker in it ran across the middle of the ring of nuggets on the platter. My mouth watered as appetizing smells wafted up from the cuisine and I took a deep breath, filling my lungs with the scent. "Yes, Kali," I nodded as I pried my eyes from the food to look at her prideful expression that she and Kai shared. "Everything is perfect," I assured her, rubbing my hands together cravingly, prepared to dive in. "Thank you." I thanked her for her presentation and she puckered her lips at me. I leaned to the side from where I sat in my chair automatically and she gave me a kiss on the cheek. "Enjoy!" She made a dash back to the kitchen, carrying both cloches in her hands spread as far apart from each other as possible as if she were carrying symbols that might clash if they accidentally banged together. "Cutest service I've ever had." I giggled as I watched the door shut after her and picked up my fork to begin eating. "Eh," Ash stared at the closing door and grimaced teasingly as he held out his palm and teetered it side to side. "I've had cuter." He looked back at me and winked, letting me know he was talking about the times I'd served him at the diner. I blushed at his flattery and avoided eye contact with him as I stabbed through the crunchy outer shell of the sea creature with my fork and popped it in my mouth. "Wow!" I exclaimed, feeling my eyes widen as I bit down on the crispy crust to get to the fishy center, the flavor of the tangy sauce erupting on my tongue. "Did you make these?" I asked, looking back up at him and pointing to the plate even though I was sure he had. "Yes, I did." He nodded and planted his palms down on the table, leaning forward to see over the flowers enough to examine my plate. "Are they okay?" He asked nervously as he leaned back in his chair and looked at me again, loosening his shirt collar with his index finger. "They're delicious!" I complimented as I continued talking with my mouth full and chewing, only remembering to cover it once I'd finished speaking. I saw my manners were already deteriorating as I resumed my comfortability around Ash and I greedily snatched another fried calamari. Ash finally relaxed and sighed in relief as he put his palm over his chest, then tasted his own creation. I wondered where he'd acquired the recipe and thought perhaps he could've gotten it from one of the worlds he'd investigated on his mission as I realized he still hadn't told me about his travels. "Tell me about the planets you visited," I insisted curiously as I swatted one hand through the air at him to attract his attention and reached for my glass with the other, watching him exhibit the same amazed reaction to the appetizer as me. "Which was your favorite?" I asked before I took a sip of my drink. We lost track of time as we talked on and on about a vast variety of subjects, settling back into our previous groove. He gave me a synopsis over every planet he toured, informing me that Nar Shaddaa was still his favorite because it was where he'd met me. I shared stories about the kids and their growth, resurfacing old memories that I looked back on with fondness, although I would've remembered them with far more fondness if Ash had been a part of them. We chatted until we were both all caught up on the most important happenings in each other's lives over the past three years and we noticed that all of our appetizers had been consumed. My stomach growled, still begging for more. "I hope you're not too full yet," Ash said, clearly not hearing my internal noise. "I'm just getting started." I patted my stomach, hoping he would remember my large appetite and not be disgusted by it as I had been worried he would be on our first date. He gave me a knowing smirk, communicating to me that he did in fact remember as he cupped his hand around his mouth and yelled to the door the kids had been coming in and out of: "We're ready for the entree!" He set his hand back down in his lap and we waited in silence for a few moments, hearing no movement on the other side of the wall. Ash sighed irritatedly and called out again, this time louder. "I said: 'We're ready for the entree!'" He repeated, quoting himself in a slightly more annoyed, yet playful, sing-songy tone. He raised his eyebrows at the door expectantly and then, when no one came, held one finger up to me as he looked at me apologetically and picked his napkin up from his lap to toss it onto the table top. I giggled softly in sympathy at the complications that were entertaining rather than frustrating because I'd expected there to be when you had four year olds as your waiters, but that didn't make it any less adorable. They were already performing better than I'd predicted. "I'll be right back," Ash said embarrassedly out of the corner of his mouth and stood up to limp over to the door, leaving his cane behind since he was only going a short distance. I stayed put in my chair and wedged my hands underneath my thighs, swinging my legs back and forth and glancing around the room as I waited for him to return. While looking around, I spotted my hiding spot for my gifts in the corner of the room underneath a pile of tablecloths. I jotted down a mental note not to forget to give them to him and hoped he hadn't found them already as he was clearing out the room for our date and had just left them and would pretend to be surprised when he received them. At the sound of a door creaking on its hinges, I turned my head towards the noise and saw Ash making his way back over to the table. "Everything okay?" I checked as he sat back down and maneuvered himself back into position. He nodded wordlessly, a subtle smile on his face as he upped the volume by a few degrees on the portable, handheld radio sitting on the windowsill that I didn't even notice had been playing earlier because of how low it was. I recognized the melody that danced into the air quietly, the tune familiar, slow, and memorable, from what I couldn't remember. I swayed to the rhythm gently from side to side as Ria entered with a giant plate above her shoulder, its contents concealed by the reflective, stainless steel dome lid. I reached out to help her as she neared, but she jerked back and shook her head offendedly, so I held my hands up in surrender and allowed her to set the plate down on the edge of the table and slowly push it closer to the center all by herself, scrunching up the tablecloth and almost knocking down the vase with flowers in it during the process. "Dinner is served!" She dramatically hoisted the cloche off the platter and steam rose from the fresh mound of pasta topped with meatballs and the same red sauce Kai had on his cheek. I soaked in the aroma hungrily as Ria held the cloche underneath her arm and took our appetizer plates in her free hands. "Thank you, Ria." I took her chin in my hand and squeezed it, shaking her head back and forth as I pushed her formerly chubby cheeks out. She grinned at me with squinty eyes and with no free hand to push me away, so she was forced to stand there until I let go, but she didn't seem to mind too much. I decided to release her and she scampered towards the door, struggling with how to open it with only a few available fingers, but she eventually got it. I turned back to Ash and crossed my arms as I leaned on the table with my elbows, looking down at the noodles in between us, the meal mirroring the one we'd shared on our first date. "First date meal?" I asked as I looked up at him and cocked my head, wondering if he remembered and had done it on purpose. "I recreated it as best I could." He shrugged and lifted the napkin to place it back down on his lap. I closed my eyes and listened to the song as it got to the chorus, blocking out other senses to focus more fully on my sense of hearing since it was aggravating me that I couldn't place it. Suddenly, a memory flashed in my mind of Ash and I waltzing to this very song on our wedding day as I was snuggled deep into his chest, my eyes closed as they were now, taking in his warmth and his petrichor scent as he held onto my waist. That was all the reminder I needed to be able to identify the song. "Is this our first dance song?" I reopened my eyes and pointed to the radio. I knew it was already, but I wondered if he knew too and if that was the reason he'd smiled and turned it up. "Perhaps," he said with a nostalgic smile. He was working pretty hard to earn that first date kiss, I gathered. "Pulling out all the stops tonight, aren't we?" I asked him rhetorically. "I just want everything to be perfect tonight," he excused his romantic displays of affection as a desire to make up for missing each other so much in these past three years. I understood, I felt the same way. He reached out and squeezed my hand, rubbing his thumb over the back of it compassionately as he offered me a sad smile. I didn't want to see a sad Ash smile though, I wanted a happy one. I had to assure him that his goal had been accomplished and that I definitely felt the love. "It is." I flipped my hand over so that our palms were touching and rubbed the back of his hand, all while not breaking eye contact so he'd know I was telling the truth. "I love you," I blurted out without even thinking and realized that this was the first time in three years I'd told him that. Now, that was one happy Ash grin. I've only seen him that happy a few times. He gnawed on his lip shyly, registering the goofy look on his face. "I love you more." It was also the first time I'd heard him say it back in his signature style in three years and it made my heart race and my spirits soar. My mood improved to a level I'd only forgotten was possible to attain and my skin tingled all over. It felt like the first time he'd told me he loved me, but more intense because the first time I had been missing it my whole life, but I hadn't truly known the greatness of what I didn't yet have. Now that I knew, being without it was devastating and being reunited with it felt like finally coming up for air after being submerged in murky and grief infested waters for an extended period of time. He brought my hand closer to his mouth and kissed my wedding ring. I sighed lovingly as we let go of each other's hand at the same time to pick up our forks. I stuck my fork, prongs down, into the pasta and spun my utensil around, getting the noodles to tangle around the silverware as I thought about how messy Wrecker would be eating this food for some reason. That reminded me though that Ash actually probably did have to watch Wrecker devour plenty of sloppy food while on their journey, he even had to share a room with the guy. "How was it," I asked, then stupidly remembered he couldn't really read my mind, even if it felt like it sometimes. "Sharing a room with Wrecker?" I specified what 'it' was and lifted the fork to my mouth to scrape the slimy, stringy noodles off with my lips, letting the sourish taste of the tomato sauce indulge my palate. "It definitely made me appreciate sharing a room with you much more," he said while twirling his fork around in the pasta. The time alone had had the same effect on me. I didn't realize how much I would miss hearing his entertaining sleep mumbling, his warmth to cuddle up to, and his steady breathing to fall asleep to at night. "How does it taste?" He asked me as he chewed, covering his mouth with his hand politely. Even though I was sure his own taste buds functioned just fine, he wanted to know my opinion. "It's amazing," I complimented, holding up my index finger and thumb pressed together as my other fingers were splayed and glanced over his shoulder at my presents' hiding place, my excitement at giving them to him bubbling over and making me unable to wait any longer. "I have presents," I said and dabbed at the corner of my mouth with my napkin to conceal my smile as I lifted it up from my lap and set it down on the table, pushing the chair out from underneath me as I stood up. "Presents?" He asked eagerly and with the innocence of a child as I strode past him, squeezing his arm as I went by. I stooped down and rifled through the heap of dingy, old tablecloths, stained mostly because of spills initiated by the kids, but also by their Uncle Wrecker. I found the two cube boxes wrapped smoothly in silver, metallic paper with a blue ribbon tied around each that formed a bow at the top. There was a folded note lodged underneath the ribbon of one of the gifts and I quickly and embarrassedly snatched it up and tucked it underneath my arm. I wasn't too proud of my shabby writing, I wasn't so sure I wanted to share that with him. Perhaps I would just leave that hobby to him. I held the boxes to my side under my other arm and bent down to pick up the final present. I held the stick wrapped in glitter paper behind my back with my hand as I spun around quickly so that he couldn't sneak a peek of what I had in store for him, seeing that he was already observing me attentively over his shoulder. I mentally tallied up all of the presents as I had lost track, accounting for each one and ensuring one last time that there was the correct amount for the number of anniversaries that had passed by giftlessly. "We missed three anniversaries while we were apart, but I still wanted to get you gifts for each one," I said as I clopped back over to him in my high heeled shoes and sat back down in the dark, wooden, tall backed chair. I placed one of the boxes on the floor beside me along with the rod that had been awkwardly wrapped in a spiral form and the paper was crinked because of the difficulty of wrapping the oblong object. I discreetly slid the piece of folded flimsi out from underneath my arm and laid it down in my lap, contemplating whether or not to simply throw it away. "Here's the first one." I handed him the slightly smaller box, knowing the gift that was inside was the one that I was most anxious to give him. I wiggled in my seat and tapped my fingertips together as I watched him carefully untie the bow, rip open the paper, and tear into the box. "Oh my force!" He exclaimed blissfully as he looked down at the contents of the box with appreciation and clasped his hands over his mouth. "I love it!" He removed his hands from his mouth to lift the fragile, white coffee mug from the protective packaging surrounding it and admired it as he held it preciously in both hands. I struggled to suppress my giggles as he sweetly overreacted so as not to hurt my feelings. I gestured for him to turn it around to examine all of its sides, doing so by rotating my finger around in a circle. He took my advice and turned it around in his hands, finally understanding I hadn't just bought him a plain coffee cup as he read the words 'Galaxy's Best Dad' printed on the opposite side. "Thank you!" He chuckled embarrassedly at his failure to recognize it earlier. I contrived a way to alleviate his embarrassment as well as a way to diminish the credit I received for giving the gift by explaining the motive behind the present. "Well, you are the galaxy's best dad," I accredited what the coffee mug had claimed as I gestured towards him. "And you got me my coffee cup that I still use everyday so I figured you needed one too," I said as I folded my arms back over my chest, justifying the gift as a necessary provision so that we could match. "It's perfect," he said graciously as he placed it back down into the cushioned box and set it off to the side to make room for the next one. "Present number two." I held up two fingers to him and leaned over, picking up the second box from the ground. As I handed it to him, I realized I might need to explain the inspiration behind this particular present since it could seem out of the blue if he'd forgotten our conversation which he most likely had since it wasn't one of extreme importance and it was a long time ago. "I remember you telling me that one of the things you missed about working for yourself was that you couldn't listen to your music when you're working anymore," I knew it was essential for Ash to have background music in order for him to focus on his work and he could focus far better if the noise was pleasant rather than the sound of Wrecker knocking something over and Rex yelling at him for it. When Ash had been self employed at his mechanics shop and worked alone, it was easy to block out the disturbances of outside commotion caused by things such as traffic. Here though, it was not so simple with Wrecker often invading his space and attempting to steal his radio or hijacking it with his own music taste, not to mention the absence of a setting loud enough to drown out my brother's noise. He never complained though, just subtly commented on it in passing and I decided to do something about it. "So I got you these." I thrust my hands forward in a gesture towards the headphones he'd just finished unwrapping. His face lit up again as another bright smile graced his features and he slid the headphones on over his ears. "They're noise canceling." I raised my voice to be heard over the muffling technology. "Thank you so much!" He yelled at me. It was good to know they were functioning properly. I giggled and covered my ears with my hands, indicating that he was speaking too loudly. He smiled apologetically and pulled them off of his head, chuckling as he looked down at them in his hands reminiscently. "I definitely needed these when I was trying to sleep at night with Wrecker above me." He pointed to the headphones and I knew exactly what he meant. I'd slept near Wrecker's bunk for years and I knew how loud and annoying his snores were. "I can imagine," I grumbled understandingly as I looked down and spotted the last gift I had for him, the sparkly wrapping making me laugh every time I saw it. The kids had insisted on being allowed to choose at least one of the cloaks for the presents and the girls voted for the most decorative one while Kai preferred some of the more masculine papers. Sadly, he was outnumbered by his sisters and cousin. I had patted his head though and assured him we'd let him have the first pick next time. "The kids helped me with this one," I said as I picked up the stick and handed it to him over the table. He tore off the paper, unveiling the shiny black sleeve of a brand new cane with flames rising up from the ferrule and stopping at about midway as opposed to his current plain brown cane. The kids had told me how they thought that if their father was going to be using one for a while, it should be one more fashionable than just the traditional bark, so I'd selected this one for him since it seemed the most like his style. "We figured your cane needed a little bling," I explained as he tested out the traction of the ferrule by standing the cane up vertically and placing the bottom tip on the ground, then leaning on it with all of his weight. "This is fantastic!" He expressed his approval, tossing the cane up and catching it mid-air. "Thank you!" He smiled, overjoyed, and I didn't want the gift giving procedure to end. I loved seeing him so happy and I realized there was one more thing I could do to prolong the process. "I actually have one more," I pinched the corner of my composition between my index finger and thumb as I lifted it up and brought it into view from above the table's edge. As I unfolded it to read it aloud, I realized the words written on the page were more about his trip than our anniversary, so it didn't exactly fit into the same category that the other gifts did. "It's sort of a welcome home gift," I clarified and cringed embarrassedly as I scanned over the words before reciting them, refamiliarizing myself with the passage. "I'm embarrassed to read it though," I explained the reason behind my cringing as I looked back up at Ash and saw a concerned expression on his face. "Don't be," he instructed, reaching out to squeeze my hand reassuringly. "Anything you write will be beautiful." He smiled softly and gently stroked the back of my hand with his thumb, so I took a deep breath to steady my nerves and nodded, gearing myself up by reminding myself that he was my husband and I could be vulnerable in front of him without reprehension. I cleared my throat and began reading. "Roses are red, violets are blue." I rolled my eyes at my own copying of the commonly used cliche for romance poems, convinced that Ash, a more professional poet, would find it severely corny. I'd already begun now though, the humiliation could not be cured by stopping now, so I decided to press on. "I missed your place in my bed and your smile, too." I shrugged lopsidedly without looking him in the eye as I continued, unsure of if the rhyme was clever or not, but I'd done my best. "I'm sorry I wasn't there to stop the wounds that bled and the tears you shed," I whipped my head back and forth, squeezing my eyes shut and sticking my tongue out as I did so, completely disgusted by my botched attempt at speaking Ash's love language. "But even while you were away, my love for you grew more than I can say," I resumed reading and actually took to heart the words I'd drafted a few nights ago and the real meaning behind them. It was love for Ash that had made me want to write this poem for him in the first place, love that had made me want to share it with him tonight. Surely, it was love that could help me finish reading it. I sighed and folded the flimsi back up into a compact square and continued reading to him by memory now as I realized I knew it thoroughly enough to not need the printed copy as reference. I set the poem back down in my lap and placed my free hand over Ash's that already held my other hand. "Now that you're back, I promise never to be absentee." I looked into his softened green eyes to speak trustworthily and patted his hand with mine. "I'm yours for eternity." I smiled as I concluded my reading and saw his bottom lip tremble. "I-" He stuttered and tried to mouth a few words to force a sound to come out, but nothing happened as the tears choked him out. I couldn't believe my scarce, simple words could cause such a reaction. "Okay." He looked down at the table and blinked rapidly as if resetting himself. "I'm sorry," he apologized, his voice cracking as he took his hand out from under mine and used both of his to run down his face and rub his eyes. "Rue," he pulled his hands away from his face and held them both out to me in a gesturing motion. "Wow," he gestured to me again and chuckled. "That was…" he momentarily scared me with the pause and made me think that maybe he didn't like it. Perhaps he was becoming teary eyed because of how extensively poetry had been disrespected by my atrocious interpretation. "The best gift I've ever gotten," he said instead of what I'd expected. "Really?" I asked doubtfully. "Yes!" He exclaimed and nodded enthusiastically. "I mean, you wrote me a poem!" He said appreciatively. "I loved it!" His expression suddenly flipped from ecstatic to indebted. "I love you so much," he whimpered and held his arms out to me, causing my heart to throb, feeling compelled to hug him. "Aww, sweetie," I reached out with my own arms and grabbed his wrists, pulling him up as I stood up from my chair. "Come here," I said as I guided him out of his chair and let him lean on me for support. Without another word, we both began to sway simultaneously to the faint sound of the music on the radio and our fingers slipped seamlessly into each other's as he held my waist tightly with his free hand and I rested my hand on his shoulder with my other, assuming the universal stance for slow dancing. "I'm so sorry I showed up empty handed." I felt his voice rumble in his chest against my ear since my head was against his heart. I could've reminded him that he hadn't shown up empty handed since he'd supplied the flowers, but I didn't want to argue with him. Besides, the apology reminded me of the same one I'd given him on our first date when he'd brought a gift for me, Tooki's pink collar with a line of clear, circular gemstones wrapped all the way around that she still wore to this day, while I hadn't brought anything. "Hmm," I hummed. "Funny," I said ironically. "I just got a strange sense of déjà vu." I tilted my head back to look up at him and smile as we continued to rock side to side in sync to the rhythm, hoping he would know which memory I was saying he had triggered. He chuckled as he looked down at me, clearly aware of what I was thinking. "I guess I do have one thing for you." He shuffled backwards and released my waist and hand to reach into the breast pocket of his coat. When his hand emerged from the pocket, the silver of my charm bracelet caught on the overhead light and it glinted, causing me to recognize it. He carefully took my hand back in his and looped the bracelet around my wrist, fastening it securely with the clamp. He had taken it with him since it could aid in their search because of its tracking technology, it could locate the direction Rebel was in from any corner of the galaxy as long as she was wearing it, but what was the probability of that now? Thrawn had most likely discovered it and taken it from her, but it still made me feel connected to her in some way, especially since it held one of only two copies to exist of our graduation photo. I looked down at the faded picture of her and I on our graduation day, our arms wrapped around each other, smiles as wide as could be, our armor shiny, new, and clean with no cracks or scuffs, our skin even less tattered than our armor, free of scars. I swallowed hard. Being reunited with it was, in some way, like being reunited with her and I realized that was going to have to do because the probability of that happening literally was extinct. To distract myself from the depressingness of that fact, I decided to joke with Ash. Though he had been the one to assemble the bracelet in the first place and give it to me, it wasn't necessarily a new gift like the ones I'd given to him since I already owned it, so I'd give him a hard time about it. "Ash, this is mine," I informed him teasingly as I looked back up at him and pointed to the picture, framed in a trim of tiny transparent gemstones. "I know," he nodded seriously. "I'm giving it back to you." He gestured towards it then put his hands behind his back, smiling and dipping his head respectfully. I squinted at him, trying to decipher if he was truly being serious or not and could tell I was joking. Regardless, I decided to make it more obvious, hoping he remembered it was out of character for me to be unappreciative. "Thank you," I mumbled compulsorily as I pretended to roll my eyes. "I'm just kidding." He grinned at me and bent his knees slightly to reach my eye level. I was pleased that we could both joke around with each other again. "I actually have a real gift for you too." His hand disappeared into the other breast pocket and reappeared with a flashdrive in between his index finger and thumb. "I recorded myself talking to you everyday for the past three years to keep myself somewhat sane," he explained as he held the memory disk out to me and I accepted it when he dropped it into my cupped, open palms. I looked down at it and treasured the meaning behind the gift. This meant that he not only missed me, but he had actually missed talking to me too, our conversations, my thoughts, my opinions, my voice. All things I'd missed from him, but had wondered if the feeling was mutual. This was the perfect way to show me that it was. "You don't have to watch them all," he said as he nervously ran his hand through his hair. "There's a lot, they're long, and they're mostly just me rambling," he said quickly, listing all of the reasons I wouldn't want to watch them all, but truthfully, I couldn't wait to start viewing my personal log of the past three years of Ash's life. I planned to finish them all in only a few nights. I wanted to see how he grew and changed, hear every detail of his daily activities, and make up for lost time. "Like I'm doing right now," he grumbled, annoyed with himself. "But-" He straightened up confidently and held his pointer finger up to the ceiling, but I cut him off. I didn't need a single reason to listen to the recordings other than the reason I already had, which was that I loved and cared about him. "Ash," I placed my hand upon his arm to stop him. "I love it," I assured him. "Thank you," I said gratefully and bowed my head to him. He smiled, relieved, and led me back to the table where we sat back down and resumed eating to our stomach's content, which happened to also be when the plate was empty. We slumped back in our seats as we burped, stuffed, and patted our stomachs as Ash introduced the next course. "Want dessert?" He asked and suddenly my appetite was invigorated as I sat up straight, intrigued, but when Ash smiled at me sweetly, I didn't know if I could take any extra sweetness for fear I might burst. "Aww, I already have the sweetest thing on the menu right here." I reached across the table and patted his hand. "Good one," he complimented my pick up line and winked at me before patting the table roughly so that it made enough of a sound for me to know it was a signal of some sort. Since Ash knew me well enough to know I still wanted dessert, it was probably an indication for the final course to be brought out. Sure enough, Armani pushed open the door using her back since her hands were full with a plate carrying a chocolate, spongy, circular cake with thick, rich, creamy chocolate icing oozing down the sides of it and a scoop of vanilla ice cream on top. I licked my lips as my mouth watered in anticipation and I picked up the dessert spoon in preparation. "Chocolate java cake for the happy couple," she said as she set the plate down on the table and lifted up the entree plate to take it out of our way at the same time. "Thank you, Armani." I leaned toward the cake and examined the sweet treat, savoring its scent. "Looks yummy," I said to her as my shoulders shimmied excitedly. She glanced around for eavesdroppers and leaned towards me, using the dinner plate as a shield for her mouth so that it could not be seen from one certain side. "Save me a bite," she whispered and winked at me before walking back into the kitchen unsuspiciously. Ash chuckled and shook his head at her teasingly as he scooped up a bite of cake, fudge, and ice cream. "She's too funny," he said and extended the spoon towards me, offering the first taste to me and I happily accepted, opening my mouth for him to place the utensil in. I hummed in delight and closed my eyes as the cold, sugary flavor of the ice cream hit my tongue first, then the gooey hot fudge, next the cake. "Divine," I said as I held up my index finger and thumb pressed together again in the sign for perfection. After we'd finished eating, Ash took me out on the balcony and we stood together, taking in the scenery. He'd removed his jacket and wrapped it around my shoulders when I'd shivered because of the chilly weather, warming me up by rubbing his hand up and down my arm, causing friction. "Tell me," he said suddenly after the long silence. "How was our second first date?" He asked and as I assessed how magnificent our evening had been and how much of a gentleman Ash had been, as always, I realized there really were no words to describe how much I enjoyed the chance to reconnect with him and he'd definitely earned that kiss. "How about I show you?" I asked rhetorically as I turned to him and grabbed his tie, tugging on it to bring his lips down to mine. He hummed in shock, but quickly recovered as he melted into me and snagged the flaps of his coat that I was wearing to pull me closer to him. I felt the tremble in my stomach again and it made me prematurely terminate our kiss. All night, I'd tried arduously to forget about the possibility that I might be pregnant, but it persisted at the back of my mind like an itch. Even if my diagnosis wasn't correct, I should tell Ash so that we could prepare ourselves for either outcome sooner in order to slowly acclimate ourselves to the idea of being parents again before the shock of the news was confirmed and instantly upon us. "Ash, I think I'm pregnant," I admitted in a shy voice. When he scoffed and turned towards the balcony railing to face away from me, I crossed my arms and frowned at him behind his back. I felt offended that he couldn't possibly consider it to be true, I wasn't THAT old yet, but little did I know, his reason for scoffing wasn't due to my age at all. "If you are," he walked toward the edge and propped his forearms up on the railing. "It isn't mine," he said, shaking his head. He couldn't possibly be implying I'd cheated on him, right? He knew all too well I'd never do such a thing. Plus, if he'd had his suspicions, why hadn't he come to me with them earlier and why had he instead orchestrated something as romantic as this? Also, it couldn't be the timeline that had bothered him because he knew I could experience symptoms this early since I had with Ria. "Maybe you oughta ask your best friend Jacen," he growled hatefully. There were plenty of questions that popped into my mind concerning the past few seconds, like what Jacen had to do with any of this or why his mood had shifted so suddenly, but the one that had entered my mind first was why this baby couldn't be his. "What are you talking about?" The broader question about everything that had just happened escaped my lips first, but I quickly narrowed it back down. "Why wouldn't it be yours?" I asked and pressed my hand up against the, for now, only imaginary baby. "Rue, come on," he implored, glaring at me. "I see the way you look at him," he said annoyedly, gazing out across the treetops under the twinkling sky again. If the situation hadn't been so dire, I would've blurted out to him how gorgeous he looked in the moonlight, his emerald eyes sparkling like gems. I thought they belonged up there with the rest of the stars where mortal sentients were forced to dream about one day snatching one out of the sky, not down here where they were exposed to pain and sorrow, like what was reflected in his eyes now. The death of Cole had impacted him deeply, perhaps he placed some of the guilt on himself for the loss of his son and had been wanting to punish himself in some way by believing I would be unfaithful to him, thinking it would be what he deserved. If that was the case, I thought of a place I could take him to ease his grief and offer him some solace on the matter. "I have something I need to show you," I said quietly and took his hand in mine, leading him down the balcony steps and to one of the biggest, as well as my favorite, wroshyr tree in the forest, under which Rex and I had buried Cole since Ash hadn't had time to before he left on his mission. Ash gasped and slapped his palm over his mouth as he caught sight of the gravestone with his son's name etched on it and the bouquet of fresh flowers I'd just replenished last week. I realized this was a rather bleak way to end a date, our most bleak ever actually. "I'm sorry to bring the mood down so much," I apologized as I lifted one of my shoulders. "But I had to show you that we took the time to properly honor him," I said as I watched Ash keep his hand over his mouth to stifle sobs as his eyes shone with tears. "It's okay," he said muffledly and his voice cracked. I sat down in front of the tombstone and patted the space next to me to invite Ash to sit down. As he settled down beside me, I recalled my nightly routine that was not unlike the gift Ash had given me tonight. "I'd sit out here at night and talk to him, about you, about his siblings," I looked up at the sky out of habit since I'd become accustomed to speaking to Ash over the past three years while he was gone in that way, almost forgetting he was physically here beside me now. "And I'd look up at the stars and try to guess where you were." I pointed up at the twinkling dots in the sky and laid down on my back, the dewy blades of grass tickling my fingers as I grazed them over the turf beneath me. That was how I'd talked to him, letting my words drift up into space, dreaming that they might somehow reach him, wherever he was in the galaxy. A comet suddenly streaked across the sky and I thought of how strange it was that it was so common to see them here, but it provided plenty of opportunities for making wishes and I'd taken advantage of them all. "And whenever a shooting star would fly by, I'd wish upon it that you'd come home safe," I said as my finger followed the ray of light, pointing it out to Ash and I put my other hand behind my head to cushion it. He laid down next to me on his back and positioned his hands on his stomach. "Not a day went by that I didn't think about you or dream about you," he said as he turned his head to look at me and I did the same, smiling at the earnest expression on his face as well as his heartwarming words. I stroked his cheek with my finger, letting him know I never let a day pass without thinking about him either. I sighed sleepily, realizing my exhaustion after a filling meal. "We'd better head back inside." I wiped a smear of chocolate fudge off of his bottom lip and smiled at his clumsiness as I sucked the smudge off my thumb. I held out my hands for him to grab as I stood up and hauled him up with me. As we were walking back into the base, Ash paused and I turned to see him looking longingly at the gravesite. I realized this had been a jarring reminder of that awful day after he'd likely tried to forget about it over the past three years and that he might need a moment to process alone. "Should I give you two a minute?" I asked as I squeezed his hand and he slowly looked back at me over his shoulder. He barely raised his eyes and gave me a small, forced smile as he nodded. I nodded back and liberated his hand as I went back towards the base and climbed the staircase. I waited outside for him alone for a few minutes before he joined back up with me, looking a lot more tranquil. We walked back inside together and had to pass through the war room on our way to our bedroom. There, we saw Leia, who was big and pregnant since she was in her final trimester, with her back turned towards us. Oh, right, I knew there was something I was forgetting to mention. About a year ago, a Wookie by the name of Chewbacca returned to his home planet along with his human companion, Han Solo. He and Leia were instantly at odds, both possessing very different leadership styles and morals, but their bickering soon became a staple in their relationship and she was now expecting his child, excuse me, children. She was having twins, just as she herself had been a twin. She had been overjoyed by that fact when she'd first found out, but now I believe she was enjoying it a little less. I know, she's still that little thirteen year old that had sauntered down the ramp to her ship on Yavin 4 all those years ago to me too. I heard her unnatural, erratic breathing and saw the way her shoulders trembled though and knew now was not the time to be reminiscing about happy memories. "Leia," I drug her name out as I said it ominously. "What's wrong?" I asked, leaning forward to see past her body as I wondered if she'd gone into labor, but I saw the edge of a datapad in her hands. "My home…" She whimpered in a quiet voice as her grip on the pad faltered and she dropped it, sending it crashing to the floor.

"Okay," I announced, projecting my voice to the crowd of rebels gathered around the holotable for the briefing I'd just called to address the destruction of Leia's home planet of Alderaan, courtesy of the Death Star. Rebel had warned me that Alderaan had been one of the worlds the empire was considering as the first test subject for their ultimate weapon, but I'd, foolishly, taken too long to act and this day had seen the loss of over 2 billion innocent civilians as well as Senator Organa, Leia's adopted father, and her adopted mother, the first family she'd ever known. Bail Organa had been one of our strongest supporters and had aided us in tremendous ways, including providing supplies, intel, and protection in the senate. He would be mourned greatly, not just because of the perks his status bestowed us with, but because he was a symbol of hope within the rebellion, a refreshing sign that not all political officials were corrupt, that some could be on our side. He represented optimism and optimism was a scarce thing to exist among the rebels today. It had been dwindling ever since we had been deprived of Rebel's uplifting speeches and mine were certainly no comparison. "Listen up," I demanded the rebel's attention in the most commandeering voice I could muster as I jabbed my finger down on the rim of the table. All eyes focused on me as I formulated a strategy. Leia had suffered enough losses today and especially in this fragile, emotional state which I knew all too well, I didn't want her to have to endure any more. It was time we showed the empire what we were really made of, to display the vast number of recruits we'd accumulated, depicting the multitude of systems that agreed with our cause and were willing to fight for it and put faith in it. It was time to go big or go home. "Overkill," I said, nodding my head as I described my plan. "We hit them with everything we've got." I slammed my fist down on the side of the holotable, making all of the rebels jump at the sound. "Are you really sure that's the wisest course of action, Commander?" Rex asked prudently as he arched one eyebrow questioningly and his hand darted up beside his head to respectfully signal his interjection. I strove not to make my long, deep sigh sound irritated with Rex, though I hoped he received the message as I tensed my shoulders and glared at him, tightening my grip around the table rim. I recognized his concerned questions as valid and I held his input at high esteem. He was older and more experienced than me so I'd heed his advice, but overall, it was Rebel that had left ME in charge, not him. It felt like he didn't trust me when he questioned my leadership decisions, even though I'd proven myself to be capable, more than just his little sister, countless times. "I mean, we should keep at least a few personnel here to-" he began to confiscate my briefing, stealing the control away from me as he turned towards the crowd, rather than me, which confused them as to who was the clear authority. Rex spoke definitively, no longer propositionally, as he raised his voice so as to spread it to the far corners of the room, but I cut him off, these people didn't need to be unsure on who was in command any longer. "I'm in charge here," I said calmly, yet firmly and loudly enough to be heard over him, but still felt guilty about it as he refocused his attention on me, his eyes wide. I'd have to remember to explain why I'd been so curt and apologize to him later, though it could've simply been my hormones to blame, but for now, I locked my unwavering gaze on him until he finally lowered his gesturing hands. "Yes, ma'am…" he grumbled snarkily as he cast his face downwards and raised his eyebrows, scuffing the floor with his foot grouchily and giving a sarcastic, halfhearted salute. Meanwhile, I continued to formulate a plan, counting on Rex being back in the right headspace in order to guide all of the rebels in the assault personally while I would have to remain here and provide direction from afar since I had the kids to supervise. Since we now knew the precise location of the Death Star and there was no longer any planet there, I knew that only an air invasion was possible, not a ground one. I hoped we possessed enough ships for everyone. "I'm gonna need everyone on a ship," I instructed, pointing in the direction of the hanger. I knew not everyone here had been involved in military combat before and that some had skills that could be put to better use here at base, such as strategic planning, but I needed all hands on deck at the site of the conflict. I needed every set of fingers we had to be busy either on the steering, piloting a ship, or on the trigger, firing back at the empire, so now was not the time to play nice, to take in consideration each individual's expertise and assign them a corresponding responsibility as I would've done normally. Time was trickling by and I couldn't allow anymore additional, valuable moments to be wasted on designating suitable tasks for each person. It was time to be like Rebel. I didn't know if I had it in me to be that assertive, but I had to try, it was what the rebellion needed, what they'd been missing. Most of what was left of the rebellion hadn't been around during the time that Rebel was leader, so this would be a new type of leadership for them, a strong leadership, but I was confident that it would be just the motivation they were lacking. I knew some wouldn't agree with my new tactics, but this would be a good method to distinguish the true rebels from the half-hearted ones before we struck our greatest blow to the empire yet, a chance for them to prove their loyalty to our cause, regardless of their feelings toward the leader. "I don't care if you've never been on a ship before," I looked up at the scrawny, untrained, cowering rebels that I would forge soldiers out of, that Rebel would forge soldiers out of. She was and would always be a part of me, after all. Even if she couldn't literally be with me, I would assign her a prominent role in our battle plans from now on. "Never flown before or are afraid to." I shook my head as I listed out all of the excuses I knew they would give me, conveying that such alibis would not sway me to permit them to stay behind. Rebel wouldn't have taken a refusal as an answer and would've immediately called them out on insubordination and for behaving in a way that was counterproductive to a rebel's. It was her name that they would be defaming, after all. "You should all know how to shoot a gun," I assumed, since they were insurgents against the empire, they'd be used to having to shoot their way past squads of troopers to escape as my finger drifted across the faces of rebels that appeared terrified by my changed disposition. I paid no attention to it though as I progressed with my plan, finding a way to combine the common talent they each possessed of being able to fire a gun and air being the only viable means of assault. Rebel always found a way to make use of someone in a way that was beneficial to her and if they were just too uncooperative, they weren't worth her time. "And what we need are gunners," I said, aware that we had a surplus of pilots, but what we were lacking was people to fill those empty seats manning the cannons. I observed the fearful, helpless faces of some of the rebels as they looked around at some of the others that had been with us longer for guidance and realized that I probably should've offered an option for them to receive training just in case my conjecture was incorrect, hoping the more experienced ones weren't opposed to providing it. "If you don't know how to shoot, we'll teach you," I assured them, holding my hands up to them as I eased their worries and they exhaled a simultaneous sigh of relief. I was shocked to learn how many were involved in that group that was incompetent with a blaster, judging by how audible the sound was. Perhaps the screening test for granting membership into the rebellion needed to be upgraded. However, that crowd could've included those who were not the most skilled, but were mediocre in their aim, and had thought they needed to be masters, I wasn't expecting perfection from anyone though. Even still, that group could've also included those who were relieved to see the old me peeking back out in the way that I'd supplied them with instruction, my old accommodating self not completely buried underneath this new forceful nature. "But you should know how to anyway, it's not that hard," I muttered under my breath, slightly upset at myself for allowing those who could not properly defend themselves into the rebellion without giving them an opportunity to learn until now, when it was imperative. My mind wandered to the time that was rapidly ebbing away and I quickly realized that I needed to brief the rest of the rebels on my plan in order for us to begin our attack as soon as possible. I didn't want us to fail this time, I never wanted us to fail any time prior to this one, but in this instance in particular, our success was of extreme importance after suffering so many defeats and also because the empire had made it even more personal. That was why, this time, I made sure to have all my bases covered with a backup plan that would eliminate every doubt that we would achieve victory, though it was a rather gruesome idea and not one I could force anyone to comply with. "Now," I rubbed my palms against each other speedily, creating friction as I introduced the morbid topic. "For the tough part…" I trailed off as I clenched my teeth nervously, wondering how to word my plan in a tactful manner. "That wasn't the tough part?" Ash filled the void of silence by asking the rhetorical question sarcastically and smirked proudly when I glared at him teasingly. "Listen closely," I leaned in closer to the table as the rebels all congregated around it closer too, huddling tighter together to emphasize their attentiveness. Being in possession of the layout of the Death Star, we'd, as an organization, had plenty of time to analyze the diagram and develop the best strategy for destroying the station. We had done so by devising a trench run sequence, in which we would send an X-wing down the main shaft that leads to the reactor and authorize a proton torpedo to be shot into the two meter wide thermal exhaust port, but the improbability of hitting that target made the formulating of an alternative plan all the more necessary. "This is only in the event that we don't succeed with our trench run," I said hypothetically, indicating that this was strictly a secondary resort, not a first, as I held my finger up, still preferring the unlikely plan to this one. The singularity of my one finger being held up reminded me of the only crew I felt comfortable leaving the success of my backup up to, the Ghost Crew. Ash had spent the past three years aboard Hera's ship and had returned home safely, so I had no reason to believe she wouldn't bring everyone aboard the Ghost back home safely this time. "I'm gonna need a team to slip past the empire's defenses and land inside the Death Star," I said, knowing exactly which team I had in mind as I glanced at Hera from the corner of my eye, subtly informing her that I'd chosen her. "From there," I continued once Hera had nodded to me, conveying that she'd received the message and I cleared my throat as I found it difficult to explain the next aspect of my plan as it was very grim and I knew no one would volunteer, making me the villain by selecting someone. "I need one brave," I emphasized the positive word, incentivising the task with prestigious rewards though they would be unattainable for this person even once the task is carried out. "And stealthy person to travel to the reactor to blow the place up from the inside out." I hadn't expected anyone to volunteer, so I took a deep breath and held it, preparing to repeat the process I'd gone through with Hera and glance at Jacen secretively. I'd mentally assigned him the unsurvivable task of bombing the interior of the Death Star only because I felt that he was best equipped for it since the situation called for discretion in order to sneak past imperials to reach the reactor room, and I knew he had discretion, being the lead spy and all. I couldn't bear to inform him I'd chosen him for this mission to his face, but surprisingly, both Ash and Jacen offered themselves for the duty in sync, relieving me of the responsibility. "I'll do it," they both said in unison in courageous voices that echoed around the room and they looked at each other challengingly, daring the other to back down. I was shocked, not by Ash's selflessness or his heroic attitude since I knew those to be traits of his, but by the timing of his decision to invoke this side of himself, a suicide mission of all things and, not only that, but the first task I'd mentioned, too. It disturbed me how willing he was to put his life at risk like that and how he hadn't even hesitated or waited to hear the other options of ways to help, especially when he'd lost his best friend in a similar manner and had almost lost his own life too when he was younger. Plus, he had children now to take care of, along with a wife. We seemed meaningless to him now as he was prepared to sacrifice his existence at a moment's notice without even flinching, perhaps he was only stepping up to the plate to outdo Jacen though. I had to dissuade him from potentially killing himself in the name of competition, but I knew the only way I would succeed in that endeavor would be to disclose my reasons for choosing Jacen over him, which would put Jacen in a difficult position to, ultimately, accept his deadly fate after hearing the explanation I was about to give Ash. I hadn't wanted to trap and force Jacen into agreeing to go along with our Plan B if he was unwilling, but unless I wanted to run the risk of losing my husband, it didn't look like I had a choice. "No offense, Ash," I rested my hand on his arm, severing his staring contest with Jacen as he looked down into my eyes and I already introduced my opposition in a way that let him know I had my reasons, that I wasn't going to forbid him to go simply because I was being overprotective or didn't view him as capable enough because that certainly wasn't the case. "But I was thinking about letting Jacen take the lead on this one since he's the lead spy," I explained as I gestured beside me to Jacen, giving him a shy, apologetic smile for putting his life on the line without consulting him first. "But I-" Ash began to argue, pointing at himself, but I cut him off. "No, Ash," I whipped my head back around to him and glared at him harshly as I felt my hair slap me on the cheek as it swung around so quickly. I thought about all of the dangers involved in Ash assuming this undertaking and a horrifying image passed through my imagination. A glowing reddish orange outline of Ash's muscular figure appearing on the empire's scanners, then suddenly dropping from an upright position and disappearing off their scope as the light generated from the heat of his live body slowly faded into a cold, dark, lifeless state. I shivered nervously to shake the thought away before a humorous pun entered my mind to distract me. "You're too much of a hottie," I whispered to him furtively as I nudged his arm playfully and he gave me a reluctant smirk. "The heat sensors would detect you from a parsec away." I didn't worry about that with Jacen, he knew how to avoid being detected by any and all of the empire's screening methods due to his training. There was no way he could be discovered, Ash on the other hand, didn't have the same guarantee. I proceeded with allocating instructions as I cleared my throat, realizing time was still ticking by as I found it difficult to tear my eyes away from Ash's. "Jacen," I pointed at him. "You'll go with Hera's team." Then I pointed to Hera, combining my chosen spy with my preferred air team to carry out the task, giving the mission the best possible means of success. "Hera," I addressed her seriously as this detail was of extreme importance. I wanted to ensure Hera knew this secondary plan was only a backup since I didn't want to needlessly jeopardize Jacen's life. "If the plan goes awry and if I give you the go ahead, only then," I said, emphasizing the hypotheticality of the situation as I leaned closer to her from across the holotable and held up my finger. "Will you drop Jacen off in the main hangar," I permitted, but I still wanted to ensure she comprehended the gravity of this assignment and did not take it lightly. "Do you understand?" I asked and watched intently as she bobbed her head up and down and her head tails bounced satisfyingly, flowing with the movement. Next, I had to make sure the other member of the crew fully grasped the concept of never returning. "It's a suicide mission," I said to Jacen bluntly as I turned to face him dismaly, one of my hands on the edge of the table, the other on my hip. "There's no coming back once they drop you off." I shook my head, demonstrating the certainty of the outcome. "Are you sure you're up for this?" I asked, raising my eyebrow skeptically. "Whatever you need, Commander," he said in a soft and cooperative tone of voice with a swift bow of his head and a passive swipe of his hand. I smiled at his obliging attitude and sincerely hoped push wouldn't come to shove and we'd be forced to send him to his death. For now, I put forth full confidence in our original plan, favoring it as the better option and I decided to share that confidence with Jacen since I figured he also was dreading being sentenced to a confirmed execution. "It probably won't happen anyways," I said with a nervous shrug of my shoulders, calling attention to the fact that I couldn't be blamed if I turned out to be wrong since I'd only assumed, I hadn't promised anything definitely. "I'm sure everything will go according to plan." I looked down at the ground, unable to look him in the eyes in case I was lying, which was likely since it was so rare for our strategies to be carried out without a hitch. "Rue," he gently laid his hand on my shoulder, encouraging me to look up into his unselfish blue eyes. "I'm prepared to do whatever's necessary," he said, giving my shoulder a firm squeeze. I took a deep breath and nodded as I fidgeted with my fingers nervously as the long awaited command to dismiss the rebels delayed in my throat, unwilling to emerge. General Kenobi cleared his throat as he intruded. "I shall go with him," he announced as he stepped forward. "I sense that my presence will be required," he said, explaining why he decided to accompany Jacen. "Very well then." I accepted the adjustment gratefully with a respectful half-bow, relieved now that Jacen might have a better chance of survival with Jedi escort. Faith restored, I had finally accumulated enough bravery to conclude the conference. "May the force be with us," I said, raising my arms in the air, and as the rest of the rebellion cheered and began to disperse, I turned to Jacen and whispered to him. "Good luck," I said in a hushed tone, imparting on him in particular, a separate and additional dose of good fortune for his especially perilous assignment, resulting in a quiet, almost inaudible utterance of appreciativeness from him in response. After he'd given me a compassionate squeeze on my hand and had started walking towards the hangar, Ash seized my arm and spun me around to face him. "How come you wished him extra good luck?" He asked irritatedly as he gestured in Jacen's direction wildly before crossing his arms and huffing annoyedly. I mirrored him, crossing my arms as well, offended by his assumption that I'd done so for any improper reason. "He's gonna need it," I shrugged as I told him the reason why. "He may die today," I reminded him, but that didn't seem to generate any sympathy for Jacen, in fact it only served to intensify his jealousy. "I may die today too!" He unpleasantly reminded me of that possibility. Though it was true that every rebel needed all the supernatural help they could gather, he was being a bit dramatic when the risk he was taking was minor in comparison to Jacen's. I rolled my eyes and scoffed, but preferring not to argue with him, I amended my mistake, rather than trying to defend it. "How about this?" I proposed. "I wish you more good luck than him." I teasingly poked him in the chest, catering to his ego. He contemplated this for a moment as he looked up at the ceiling and tilted his head side to side. "Better." He nodded as he looked back down at me and accepted my modification. "I'll see you in a bit." He leaned forward and kissed me like he'd never kiss me again, like he was leaving forever and was savoring the taste and softness of my lips, soaking up every last drop before he never felt them on his again, but I'd known him long enough to recognize it as his jealous kiss. It was difficult to decipher from his goodbye kiss as I knew they shared the same purpose, which was to remind me of all our memories together in the span of a momentary kiss and to claim me as his own. If he were simply giving me a goodbye kiss, he would be ensuring that our memories stayed with me so that he could, in part, stay with me even while he was gone. However, if it was a jealous kiss, he would be guaranteeing our memories were fresh in my mind so that I would be thinking about him, rather than whoever he was jealous of. Therefore, with context, I knew it was a kiss full of envy. Also, if he were kissing me for the reason of telling me goodbye, his motive for laying claim to me would be to ensure that no one would steal me from him while he was away, but if it was a smooch of jealousy, his intention for claiming me was in order to confidentially remind me that I belonged to him. It worked and he knew it, I could tell by the smug look he wore after we broke apart. "Yes, you will," I said breathlessly as I clung to his shirt, desperate for more, but I knew he had to leave in order to stop the Death Star in time. There was just one more thing I needed to do, one more thing to show him I wanted him to return as much as he himself wanted to return, breathing and unharmed. I lifted up his left hand and formed it into a fist as I did the same thing with my left hand as well, then I fistbumped him, lining our wedding rings up so that they fit together when our knuckles met. Ash had stolen my engagement ring on the morning of our wedding, causing me to completely lose my mind since I'd never lost something so precious to me before and I had no idea at the time how it had simply vanished, not even Rebel was able to calm me down. However, my then fiancé had only robbed me of it to make an indention of the diamond on his own silver wedding band so that whenever we fistbumped, the centerpiece of my ring would slide perfectly into the oddly shaped, jagged crater in his. I demonstrated that we were still two complementary halves and that we still fit together perfectly like puzzle pieces and that I wouldn't be whole until he came back. He smiled at the action and then left, taking my heart with him.

There was a small window of time between the rebellion's take off from base and their arrival at Alderaan's debris when I had to be in the war room and giving directions. I had decided that would be the best time to sneak away to the refresher long enough to get confirmation on whether or not Ash and I were having another child. I hadn't been able to shake the persistent feeling that I was pregnant, so, wanting to eliminate my curiosity, while Ash was gone and wouldn't be suspicious of why I was taking a test when he was sure he couldn't be the father, I took one. The results shocked me. Actually, shocked was an understatement. I stumbled out of the refresher with the positive test in my hand on wobbly legs, unable to accept the truth. I'd only ever been with Ash my whole entire life, it couldn't be anyone's but his. Jacen was the only other man who'd been interested in me lately. I felt nauseous as I contemplated the possibilities and not just because I was pregnant. I resolved to completely block it out of my mind for now, solely focusing on the objective of destroying the Death Star and making our first offensive attack towards the empire head on. Thankfully, the only other people here were Leia and the kids, so I didn't have to fake a smile for very many people and although I knew Leia would be very interested in how the assault was going, she would likely be distracted by the two wriggling infants in her stomach that were prepared to make their debut into the great big, bustling galaxy at any given moment. Meanwhile, the kids would be much too preoccupied with playing to concern themselves with such frivolous things as the fate of their father. I inhaled deeply, composing myself as I examined my dreary expression in the mirror and slapped my cheeks numerous times to force myself to focus. I tossed the test in the trash and marched confidently out into the war room where I saw Leia with a much different attitude towards her pregnancy than I had in regards to mine. She was stroking her extended tummy lovingly and humming in a lulling tone as she smiled down at her unborn babies. The scene before me filled me with hope and made me smile before I looked down at the display on the top of the flat holoscreen, showing an army of ships in battle formation, just their basic 2D shape as they slowly advanced towards a massive object. The spectacle was artificially generated, all of the ships were the same color red, and not very realistic as the vessels would glitch and did not move in real time, I knew this because I'd had to spend many missions here at base, unfairly overseeing from afar, but I'd have to manage since it was this method or none at all. "We are awaiting your command…" Ash's voice streamed through the crackly speakers. "Commander," he finally finished his statement after apparently grappling with what to call me, not wanting to be informal or be repetitive, but ultimately ending up doing just that. He chuckled embarrassedly and I shook my head in mock disapproval even though he couldn't see me. "You may begin your approach," I authorized, hearing a giggle at the back of my throat, threatening to force its way out, but I didn't allow it since I knew some good rebels were about to be lost today no matter what and with that very command, I'd set their death in motion. That was just routine for us, it's what we're used to, we all knew it to be true, no mission, whether a success or a failure, could be performed without suffering at least one casualty, so our numbers had been steadily declining since new members were more rare than deaths. As I watched the ships on the screen, in their rudimentary ship model form, not customized as the pilots had them with their unique attachments and paint jobs since the holotable wasn't quite advanced enough to make it feel as if you were really there, though I wasn't sure I actually wanted to feel as if I was there once the true battle began, Leia emitted a sharp cry and bent over, leaning on the table with one hand while her other was against her back as she took labored breaths. "Leia," I took a step towards her and put my hand on her shoulder, feeling how tense her muscles were underneath. "What's wrong?" I asked apprehensively as she began to puff out quick breaths through her mouth though she had been dormant just prior to this and she stared blankly at the floor with a distant, dull, and unfamiliar terror in her chocolate brown eyes, yet with a hint of excitement. "I think I'm having the babies," she groaned out what started as a whisper but progressively grew louder as she started to writhe in pain and I could tell she was having a contraction. I felt my own stomach twist in sympathy as I remembered my contractions when I'd had Ria. She'd arrived as scheduled on her due date, just as it was planned, I don't know how I would've fared had she been a surprise birth as Leia's twins were now. Leia wasn't due for another week and it was unusual that it was during the middle of the day, since for me it was at night and I'd been told that was more common. "What?!" I screeched, feeling my eyes widen in astonishment at the inconvenience of when the twins had chosen to make their first appearance, during one of the most pivotal moments in the galaxy's history that I had to help conduct. However, I didn't want to miss the birth of Leia's children either. It was one of the most difficult decisions I've had to make, both events were extremely important to me. "Now?!" I asked for confirmation, wanting to make sure I really had to make the choice before I did so needlessly. She gulped and then nodded contritely as she shifted to face me and squeezed her eyes shut in agony. "Uh-huh," she moaned and I caught her as her knees buckled, refusing to support her any longer. "Oh, okay," I said, stunned by realization and paralysed with fear since I'd never been on this side of childbirth before as I pulled her back up into an upright position. I knew I had to at least get her to the med bay where, thankfully, 2-1B would be and he would know what to do since he'd delivered my daughter. There, I would decide whether to stay or go back to the war room based on if the droid needed my assistance or not, though I wasn't sure I could be anything but moral support, if even that. "Well, let's get you to the med bay," I explained to her where I was taking her as I swung my arm around her upper torso and wrapped her arm around my neck as we stood side by side and began shuffling towards the direction of the med bay. I grabbed a headset on my way out in order to stay in contact with Ash to inform him that I wouldn't be able to give him immediate direction since I couldn't see his location at the moment or the rest of the fleet's. "I'm sorry, Rue," Leia whined guiltily as I continued to lead her down the hallway. "Hey," I said scoldingly as I flashed my gaze to her, startled by her apology. The last thing she should be doing is apologizing when she's doing the most selfless thing a woman can do. She was bringing not only one life into existence, but two! As well as preserving her husband's bloodline. As far as I was concerned, we should've been thanking her and apologizing to her for not creating the safest, most comfortable, stressless environment to welcome her children into. Besides, she hadn't selected the time and place to give birth, that was beyond her control. "You have nothing to apologize for, sweetheart," I assured her as I shook my head, comfortable enough with her to call her a pet name since she had been like my first daughter. It would almost be like I was meeting my grandchildren today. I didn't like to think I was old enough to be a grandma though. She looked over at me as horror still flooded her irises, tempted to spill over into tears and she looked unconvinced she didn't need to feel remorseful as if striving to place a reason on why she was experiencing such intense pain, so I decided to tell her some of the reasons her apology wasn't required, deciding to talk until we arrived at our destination in order to distract her. "You have no control over that." I resumed looking forward to watch where I was going and make sure we didn't run into anything, even though the base was practically empty since we hadn't had a shipment deliver supplies in months since our providers were dwindling so there was nothing to trip over. "They come out whenever they're ready," I said as I ushered her through the doorway. "2-B!" I yelled the nickname at the powered off droid in the corner pointlessly, assuming it was not voice activated, but since I didn't have any free hands currently to flip on the switch at the base of its neck and it was on the opposite side of the room, I attempted it. "Wake up!" I hollered as I set both hands on Leia's back and helped her lay down on the cot. Shockingly, the voice command worked and 2-1B booted up slowly, warbling to life, and stepped away from its charger. I shook off the surprise and pointed to Leia as I began to assess the situation. "Leia's in labor," I revealed as I looked around for a gown for her to change into and I assigned him his task. "I need you to deliver the babies." Hopefully, it wouldn't be too uncomfortable for Leia since she'd already had this 2-1B unit as her obstetrician up until this point in her pregnancy. In fact, perhaps it was me that would make this uncomfortable, perhaps if I just got out of their way, that would make the process smoother for the both of them. For Leia, it might be easier to not have a live, animate being watching her and for 2-1B it might be more helpful not having someone distracting it from its profession, though I wasn't sure if a droid could be distracted actually. Maybe I might not have even needed to bring the headset with me to converse with Ash after all, maybe I could just return to the war room and resume my command as if nothing had happened while I left Leia and her medic alone. As I turned to leave, however, and as the droid slid softer, smoother, more curved instruments onto his arms for cupping the baby's heads, Leia protested my abandonment. "Wait!" She called out to me and I saw her reaching out for me as I turned back towards her, her hand stretched out in my direction. "Rue," she winced in pain, sucking in a strained breath through her teeth as she flexed her fingers, curling them back into her palms. "Please don't leave me," she begged wheezily and it hurt my heart to know I had actually considered deserting her in her state of distress when I had experienced the same thing and had been petrified having no one else in the room except my medic. I had pleaded for Ash to be allowed access to me again, even if he was going berserk and I didn't want him to see me gross and sweaty, it was a comfort to have him there, cheering me on, but Leia didn't even have the luxury of asking for her husband's presence since he was halfway across the galaxy by now, I was all she had. I needed to be available for her. "Oh, I won't leave you, honey." I shook my head and smiled reliably as I shut the door. "Don't you worry." I walked over to her and knelt beside the bed. "I'm gonna be right here for the entire thing," I poked the mattress with my finger as I pointed down at it and she smiled appreciatively, though her eyes were already closing from exhaustion. She still had a long road ahead of her though. "I promise." I gave her my word that I was staying with her as I took her hand in mine and she squeezed it tightly. I had a hunch that my hand wasn't going to be freed until both babies were delivered and that it was going to be numb by that point, but I was fine with that. It felt good to be useful. Right now though, I was sure I could be useful in two places. I slid the headset over my ears with one hand and adjusted the mic in front of my mouth to speak into it. "Ash?" I spoke into it once I had it situated, but only heard static. I tapped on the side of the rusty, old headset with my finger to clear up the transmission and tried again. "Ash, can you hear me?" I asked, not expecting a reply since these communication devices were ancient. The rebellion would just have to continue with their attack without me. There were plenty of capable, qualified members involved in the assault that could likely be of better help since they were physically with them and could better address the situation. Just as I was giving up hope, I heard Ash's voice, distorted through the low quality connection, but undeniably him. "I read you, Commander," he said professionally in answer and I breathed a silent sigh of relief at the fact that I could thankfully receive real time updates on how the mission was going, rather than be subjected to wondering. Finally, I remembered I had to update Ash on the events around here since they would affect the amount of help he would be getting from me. "Hey," I said, almost wanting to wave at an imaginary version of him. "Leia's going into labor," I revealed plainly as I shrugged as if he could see me. "What?!" He shouted and at first I thought perhaps he couldn't hear me over the sound of explosions going off around him or the drone of his X-wing engine, but I could tell he had understood me once he asked his second question, echoing me exactly. "Now?!" I laughed at how bizarre it had been that his reaction was so derivative of mine. "That's exactly what I said." I shared the absurdness with him as I pointed to myself. "Tell her I said 'good luck'." He grunted as I heard the ship swerve to the side, possibly dodging a blast, I hoped I wasn't distracting him. "Will do," I said curtly, just in case I was, then closed my hand over the mic and relayed to Leia what Ash had told me. "Ash wishes you good luck," I whispered so as not to divert Ash's attention from flying even more than I already had. "Thank you," Leia said politely through another groan as she threw her wrist over her forehead, dabbing at the beads of sweat that began to roll down her temples. I gave her a sympathetic smile as I unpleasantly remembered my own labor again. I heard a loud crash on the other end of the transmission and remembered I still had a responsibility, a role in this mission that I had sworn to fill and I was going to follow through to the best of my ability. "I'm still gonna try and guide you from right here though, okay?" I asked, expecting him to reply with a description of how the battlefield looked currently, how many fighters were remaining, anything so that I could advise them on their next move, but I was met with nothing but silence. "Okay?" I asked again, thinking the signal could've cut out. When he didn't answer the second time though, I became a bit more frantic. "Ash?" I asked, louder now, praying to the force that the empire wasn't jamming our transmissions or worse, that Ash was dead. "Ash!" I yelled into nothing but an endless void of silence.

The next day, after Leia had brought a beautiful baby girl and an adorable baby boy into the universe, I tried desperately to reestablish connection with the rebellion, but to no avail. I sickeningly racked my brain for the possibilities and contemplated the success rate of a one man rescue mission if they had, perhaps, been captured and spared long enough for me to arrive there before they'd been harmed and if the Death Star hadn't already made the jump to hyperspace. All of that was a best case scenario, I just didn't see how it was possible for even a fraction of them to escape or me alone to rescue them. Maybe Rex was right, maybe it was a huge mistake to attack the empire with everything we had, it would've been far smarter to keep a few here in case something like this did happen. Maybe it was just Leia, the kids, and I now, maybe we were all alone. Maybe I didn't deserve to be the leader of the rebellion anymore. Rebel would be so disappointed in me. All I had wanted to do was make her proud, to honor her one last time by enacting one of her bold strategies that were always so senseless and sometimes that lack of sense was just what made them work. It was what had made us unpredictable to the enemy, but somehow, it hadn't turned out quite right when it was my plan. As I rebuked and punished myself for my mistakes in my head by belittling myself, I heard the roar of engines overhead and instinctively ran to the playroom where the kids were innocently playing with their toys and stood in front of the door protectively in case it was the empire. If the reason Ash and I had gotten disconnected before had been because the empire was jamming our transmissions, they could sometimes trace the transmission back to the source. Then, they'd know our base was located on Kashyyyk and Leia and I would be goners as I knew I didn't stand a chance against an entire battalion of stormtroopers. A squad I could definitely take, but they'd send more than that as I was sure they'd have plenty of soldiers to spare with the number of rebels depleted and less rebels meant more available stormtroopers. Also, they would surely not want to squander their opportunity to capture us where they'd failed so many times before. Our kids would be abducted and forced to serve the empire. Or if the empire hadn't traced the transmission, there were still other means by which they could know our location, such as mind probing if the rebels were indeed captured. I recognized the hum of the engines though as those of X-wings, rather than imperial shuttles which sounded more modern, quieter, and newer. I dashed outside, trying to keep my hopes low as the empire could possibly just be tricking us with the familiar sound, but I failed to as I skidded out onto the airfield and spotted Ash bolting towards me, his red and white flight helmet in his hand with the rebel symbol painted on it by Sabine plummeting to the ground when he caught sight of me. "We did it, babe!" He cheered as he waved his hands in the air. A tremendous weight was lifted off my chest as I realized I wasn't to blame for the rebellion's eradication, no one was yet. Not only had it not been a failure, but it had been a success too! As the general understanding settled in, I realized I'd have to ask more questions about how exactly they'd done it and what had happened to get them to that point, but for now, I just wanted to celebrate this victory with my family. "We did it!" Ash yelled, effortlessly scooping me up in his arms and giggling as he spun me in a circle. From this elevated view, I could observe all the elated rebels whooping and hollering and I couldn't help but notice two were missing from the crowd as I'd subconsciously been wondering which plan they had used. Ash set me down and kissed me, but he seemed to be able to perceive that I was preoccupied as he leaned back and wordlessly asked what was bothering me just by brushing my hair back and cupping my face in his hands. "Jacen and Obi-Wan were on that thing when it blew, weren't they?" I asked, hearing in my own voice the way my throat closed around the words as I felt tears prick my eyes. Ash's face hardened as if I'd sucked all the joy from it and he locked his lips together as a muscle in his jaw ticked from him clenching his teeth so hard. I called a rebellion wide meeting and we discussed casualty numbers, what exactly had happened to the Death Star, and what our next plans were. Overall, we had lost nearly twenty ships, that meant twenty shipfuls worth of supplies, but more importantly, twenty pilots, twenty lives that could never be replaced while ships and supplies could. Twenty families that had been impacted and would need to be notified, twenty funerals to be arranged, twenty lifetimes of stories that would never be told. It was a real reality check for us. Apparently, what had happened was, we were losing badly, so it was a consensus decision to enact Plan B. Although, when I first asked about it, Ash had begun to speak, but Ahsoka quickly interrupted him. Either she didn't see him about to speak, or she hadn't wanted him to for some inexplicable reason. Either way, Ash didn't seem troubled by it, just respectfully nodded along as she spoke. All of us have decided to maintain a low profile, at least for a few months, until all of the commotion around blowing up the Death Star settles in order to replenish our numbers before we generate too much of a reputation with no means to keep it strong. "Kanan and I have an announcement to make," Hera said shyly once I had inquired of all the questions I desired to ask and she held the Jedi's hand, looking at her husband with a sly, secretive twinkle in her eye. "We found out yesterday that I'm pregnant," she said as she faced us again and the couple's huge smiles beamed. We all gasped and shouted our congratulations, grateful for the happy news after just conversing about such depressing subjects. Even though the knowledge of the Death Star's destruction was happy, it had brought up such stressful topics, it was a nice change of pace to talk about something that should only be a cause for joy. I was slightly upset with her though since she'd known before she'd gone on this mission that she was pregnant and hadn't told me. If I had known that, I would've forbidden her from taking part in the attack, it was difficult to remain annoyed with her though as I witnessed how excited they were about being parents. "And we were thinking," she continued, glancing at Kanan. "If the baby is a boy, of naming him Jacen." She looked at me for approval and I nodded, thinking it was a perfect way to pay tribute to him. "I think that's an excellent idea," I said reminiscently. Leia named her son Ben, after General Kenobi's code name, so both men were honored accordingly. As Ash and I walked to our bedroom to get ready for bed as it was nighttime now, Ahsoka's interruption of Ash wasn't the only thing I couldn't erase from memory. When she had officially pronounced the news that Jacen and Obi-Wan had been killed, she had begun to weep at the grief of losing her grandmaster. I'd never seen her shed a single tear before, but that wasn't the strange part. The strange part was that Ash was the one who had padded over to her and wrapped her in a hug, one that seemed to last too long, one where Ash's arms were wrapped around her waist and he pulled her tightly against him. I certainly didn't think anything was going on between one of my former Jedi commanders and my husband, but it made me wonder when the last time he hugged me like that was. Perhaps it was just because they had become close over the past three years they'd spent together during their search for Rebel and he knew how much Obi-Wan meant to Ahsoka, better than anyone else. I concluded that I was just being nitpicky and looking too much into something that wasn't there, like Ash had done with my wishing Jacen extra good luck. As I thought about Jacen, how I'd have to tell the kids they'd never see their uncle again, how much he'd done for us, and how I'd honor him, I had to press my palm up to my mouth to prevent a sob from escaping. I quickly slammed the door shut once Ash and I had entered the bedroom and leaned up against it with my back for support, letting the tears roll down my cheeks as I buried my face in my hands. I heard Ash sigh and I expected him to walk over to me and hug me as he'd done with Ahsoka, but he didn't. "Did you love him?" He asked, his voice ridgid. I looked up at his form, blurred through my tears, confused as to who exactly he was speaking about. He stood a considerable distance away from me in front of the dresser, his posture stiff as he rested one of his white knuckled fists on top of the wooden wardrobe. "W-what?" I stuttered through my shaky breaths and sniffled. "It's okay," he said coaxingly, but his face showed no invitinging smile. "You can tell me." He crooked his finger at me, gesturing for me to admit something that wasn't true. I began to shake my head, my eyebrow arched, showing I didn't quite understand what he wanted me to confess. "Just say it," he demanded impatiently through clenched teeth, no longer sounding casual. "Ash," I held my hands up to him innocently as I stepped away from the door and nearer to him. "What are you talking about?" I asked obliviously. "Don't play dumb with me," he said irritatedly as he shook his head and hastily took two steps backwards, retreating from me and holding his finger up to me to warn me not to come any closer. "Answer the question, Rue." He gulped, his eyes brimming with tears. "Did you love him?" He stated each word individually and emphatically as he asked, ensuring I understood this was the final time he was asking me. I straightened up offendedly as I balled my hands up into fists at my sides, finally realizing who he was asking me about since there was only one man he would be this furious at me for having affection for. "No, of course not," I assured him, looking him in the eyes truthfully as I crossed my arms, but he tilted his head and squinted at me doubtfully, showing he required further evidence, which would be simple for me to provide. "He was my friend and he took good care of the kids, that's it," I promised him. "There was nothing between us," I added for extra good measure as I sliced my hand through the air definitively. "Okay," he nodded, but still sounded unconvinced. "I'm sorry about your friend," he apologized as he patted my shoulder and walked out of the room without telling me where he was going. He had left before I got a chance to ask him about what was going on between him and Ahsoka, not that I would've known what exactly I would've asked, but I thought it best to not bother him about it at the moment while he was still annoyed with me. Maybe he just needed my sympathy at the moment, since I knew how much Obi-Wan had meant to him growing up and how it was like losing another piece of Sawyer as General Kenobi had been Sawyer's role model. Hopefully, my condolences would mean as much to him as his had meant to me. "Ash," I called after him as I spun around and leaned out of the door, hanging onto the doorframe with my hand. I watched him reluctantly pause in the hallway and turn around to face me. "I'm sorry about yours," I apologized, it was the most I could do to heal the sting that death brought. He gave me a lopsided smile and an appreciative bow of his head. That night, we slept in the same bed, but it felt like we were miles apart.

The next morning, I woke up first and decided to go to the kitchen to brew myself a cup of coffee before waking Ash up. When I arrived in the kitchen, Ahsoka was there with her back towards me. Since there was no reason for animosity between us yet, no where else for me to get coffee, and I was sure she could already sense I was standing there, there was no reason for me to leave or wait until she left first, so I approached her. "Good morning," I greeted her and cleared my throat after hearing my husky morning voice. "Good morning," she said through a chuckle at my face that was contorted into apologetic disgust at how deep my voice was. I sighed through the awkward silence that followed and reached up to open the cupboard above my head and grabbed a mug, then poured the steaming, brown liquid inside. As I sipped at it, I decided to go right ahead and confront her since I was confident she could tell something was bothering me, being able to read my mind. "Does Ash seem different to you?" I asked, giving her part of the reason I felt troubled by requesting her opinion, since I certainly didn't want to accuse her of anything. "Not to me," she said, giving me a shrug. "Does he seem different to you?" She asked, raising her cup towards mine as if she wanted to toast, but then brought it up to her lips and took another swallow. I wasn't exactly sure if I should tell her I thought so because it could've simply been my imagination or worse, she could begin to scrutinize him and eventually agree with me and that would make me feel even more uneasy, knowing it was perceivable to others. I preferred to wait until it was either more noticeable and perhaps worth investigating or it would pass. However, the skepticism wouldn't leave me until I'd told someone and it seemed like I could trust Ahsoka to be subtle enough in her observances of Ash, especially if she was close to him, and not to tell anyone else about my suspicions. "He seems a little more distant," I said, thinking about the way he'd shrunk away from me last night and had looked at me with such disdain, as if he couldn't bear the thought of touching me. "A little more irritable," I thought, too, of how quickly his anger towards Jacen could be flared up when he'd had such good control over his temper before. "And maybe more reckless." I remembered the way he'd volunteered to sacrifice his life so willingly to outwit Jacen. "I don't know." I shrugged bashfully, thinking I was making claims based on mere loose assumptions once I'd said them out loud. "I thought you might know since you spent the past three years with him," I said, looking down at the ground, ashamed I wasn't the one who knew my husband the most intimately anymore. "Rue," she set her coffee mug down on the counter and placed her free hand on my shoulder. "The two things he talked about the most while we were gone was you and how much he couldn't wait to see you again." She held up two of her fingers, wiggling them as she said each of Ash's most frequent topics of conversation. "Aww," I cooed shyly at his prolonged affection for me as I rocked side to side, feeling myself blush. "If something is different with him, he'll tell you what it is," she assured me as I looked up and smiled at her, feeling better in tune with my husband after hearing he'd missed me from someone other than him. "Thanks, Ahsoka," I said gratefully and hugged her. "Anytime." She winked at me as she leaned out of the hug. I walked back to my bedroom, balancing two mugs, brimming with coffee, one in each hand, one for me, one for Ash. I planned to wake him up with a gentle kiss on the forehead, prepared to forget all about my complaints about his foul language, his violence towards Jacen, his competitiveness with him, and his closeness with Ahsoka. Hoping to put all of that behind us by excusing his altercations with Jacen as bouts of jealousy that would not become habits now that Jacen was no longer here and his closeness with Ahsoka as a misinterpretation, I nudged the door I'd left cracked open all the way ajar with my foot, but found Ash already awake and sitting up on the edge of the bed with a holoprojector in his lap. "My mom died," he said plainly, staring at the baseboards still, not even glancing up once to look at me as he fiddled with the grooves in the top of the holoprojector and his face was stone. I gasped, wanting to drop both cups of coffee, but I held on as tight as I could before setting them both down safely on the desk beside me. "What?!" I asked, horrified as I slapped my palm over my heart. Millie was in such good health and so active, it seemed preposterous for her to suddenly be dead, especially since we still called each other often. In fact, the last time we talked was just a few days ago. "How is that possible?" I sat down beside him and wrapped my arm around his shoulders as I stroked his arm. "I just talked to her last week!" I said loudly, illustrating how shocking it was and that finally got him to look up. "You kept up with the weekly calls?" He asked, impressed, as his eyes met mine. They did not show any sadness, in fact, they were emotionless, free of pain, fear, or sorrow. He was unreadable. "Of course I did," I assured him as I squeezed his shoulder. "Honey," I said pitifully, placing my hand in his lap and holding his hand in mine as he set the holoprojector down on the bedside table with his other hand. I speculated on what could've possibly killed my mother-in-law, but turned up with nothing. "What happened?" I asked him gently, rubbing the back of his hand. "Heart attack," he answered numbly in a few words as he resumed staring into empty space. It felt like a stab in my own heart as I thought about how sudden of a death it had been then and how Ash probably hadn't been able to say goodbye. "Oh, I'm so, so sorry." I scooted as close to him as I could, reassuring him of my loving support as I wondered how this was affecting the rest of his family, since that was likely who was on the other end of the call and it felt futile to ask Ash how he was dealing with this since it seemed like he didn't even know how to react. "How's your dad?" I asked. "Shaken up," he replied, giving an apathetic shrug and I thought about poor, lost Sam without his wife. I couldn't imagine a time he'd been without her and now he had their 10 year old daughter to take care of and the rest of his immediate family were many star systems away and couldn't leave at the drop of a hat because of me, because I was their employer and the job they had didn't exactly allot them flexible hours. "And Daisy?" I wondered how his little sister was coping with the loss of her mother. He scoffed at the question since the answer should've been obvious. "A wreck," he answered, running his fingers through his hair stressfully. The only other member of the family that I had yet to ask about was Ash's older sister, but she was here so I wasn't sure if the news had reached her yet or if their father had notified her first, being the firstborn. "Does Lily know?" I asked. "Not yet." He shook his head and sighed as if dreading informing her, maybe I could take the burden off of his shoulders though, that might be helpful. I wanted to assist him in any way possible. This was only the second death I'd be helping him endure and I wanted to be sure I did it right this time. I hadn't been as helpful as I should've been last time because, as a soldier, death was normal for me, but for Ash, Sawyer's death had been the first one to actually affect him personally. "Do you want me to tell her?" I straightened up, ready to take on the unpleasant task, already running through my condolences in my head as I planned to tell Lily how much her mother meant to me as well. "No," Ash swiped a dismissive hand in my direction. "I'll tell her." He blew a lengthy raspberry in reluctance and stayed sitting as he was silent for a few more moments. The next emotion to course through me was the hurt feeling that Sam hadn't contacted me with the news when he didn't even know Ash was back on Kashyyyk. I was sure he was preoccupied and had only dialed Ash on impulse, but if this had happened longer than a week ago and he'd tried to call Ash, which wouldn't have worked since Ash was indisposed, I would be offended if he hadn't contacted me. I supposed it all depended on when her death had occurred. "When did it happen?" That ended up being my next question. "Why didn't your dad tell me?" I asked automatically, sounding slightly irritated as the question I had truly wanted to ask slipped out. "It just happened yesterday." He exhaustedly rubbed his face with his hand. That explained it, I hadn't even thought to check my own holoprojector. Maybe Sam had tried to call me first but I was busy with Leia and the arrival of her twins, so Sam had been forced to go an entire day without any comfort. I felt awful that I'd been upset at him for not telling me when he might've tried to. "Rue," Ash propped his elbows up on his knees and leaned his face into his open palms. "I think I need to go there to help plan the funeral and get my dad back on his feet," he said and I agreed with him. They were our family and we couldn't let them handle this alone. I certainly wasn't letting Ash go by himself when I knew how he dealt with death. I'd work out the details later of who would watch over the kids for us while we were gone since Jacen, who was my typical babysitter, was no longer with us, and I definitely didn't want them to accompany us since I was sure they weren't mature enough to quietly sit through a funeral. I'd also need to arrange for someone to fill my role as rebellion leader while I was away. "I'm coming with you," I declared as I stood up. Ash didn't have the power to prevent me from joining him this time since I was no longer recovering and he wasn't aware I was pregnant yet. "And you can't stop me, not this time." I shook my head as I pointed at him. I began to pack for the two of us as Ash departed to share the news with Lily that their mother had passed away. By the time I was nearly finished with the luggage, only the toiletries left, Ash entered the room and told me something I never expected. "I spanked Ria," he confessed as he looked at me guiltily, biting his lip in innocence, but that was something that I couldn't tolerate, no matter what Ash was going through. I'd explained to him when I was first pregnant, with extreme seriousness, why we'd never physically harm our children. I told him, with great shame, how I'd been beaten and abused by the Kaminoans whenever I couldn't comply with their orders because I wasn't as strong as the other cadets or how they'd strike me for participating in a fight with one of my brothers, even though it wasn't my fault, they were always the ones picking on me and shoving me around for being the smallest and the weakest among them since they didn't know I was a girl, all the while protecting Rebel from being discovered. To me personally, spanking had a very negative connotation associated with it and that was why I'd never treat my own children like that. Maybe Ash had forgotten our conversation, but still that couldn't be forgiven either. First though, I had to understand his definition of spanking, if it were only a light pat, maybe I didn't need to be mad at him, but if it was a cruel smack, I didn't know if I could forgive him. Perhaps his reasoning behind the discipline could contribute to my mercy, as well as how repentant he was. "What?" I asked, setting the bundle of toiletries in my arms down in Ash's blue suitcase and planting my fists on my hips as I straightened up, prompting more information on the encounter. "I didn't mean to." He shook his head contritely as he took a step closer to me, but I shuffled backwards. I didn't see how one could accidentally spank one's daughter and if he was willing to do so, I was scared of what he might do to me. "I don't know what came over me," he said as he gestured hysterically, cleared distraught over what he'd done, but as he continued to walk closer to me while looking at the ground, he backed me up against the wall. "I guess I'm just stressed about this whole thing with Mom." He started wringing his hands. "I just had told her that I was busy at the moment and she kept pestering me and then she said that Jacen wouldn't have ignored her," his muscles visibly tensed as he spoke Jacen's name. "And I guess that tipped me over the edge," he cringed as he completed explaining the situation, humiliated now by the way he'd reacted. "Oh, force!" He cried out as he face planted into his palms. "What if she hates me now?" He asked as he looked up at me and I noticed his eyes were bloodshot, but not from crying, from something else, something indecipherable. I hated seeing him this distressed, all I wanted was to be able to promise him everything was going to be okay, but I couldn't guarantee him that. What I could assure him of though was that Ria would forget soon, even if I wouldn't. He had to get this jealousy issue under control or else I wouldn't feel safe around him. For the time being, I needed him to relax, I couldn't even begin to discuss his problem with him in this frantic state. I also had to make sure my daughter wasn't injured. "Calm down," I sushed in a soothing tone as I laid my hands on his heaving chest. "I'm sure she doesn't hate you," I said truthfully, knowing that if there was anyone she hated, it was me. I was the one who forced her to eat her vegetables, to brush her teeth, to go to bed, while her father was the fun one. The one she always wanted to play with, the parent she wanted to put her to bed, the one she loved and didn't stick her tongue out at as she ran around the corner, engaging in a game of chase just to put her pajamas on. "She loves you." I patted his shoulders and gestured with my chin to the doorway. "Let me go talk to her," I said, giving him a reassuring smile as I stroked his cheek and he leaned into it, thought something about him felt different, it wasn't as easy to smile at him as it'd always been and where his cheeks usually felt soft and puffy, like Ria's baby cheeks, they felt thin and boney. "Okay," he nodded, grabbing my hand that was against the side of his face and squeezing it. "Tell her that I'm sorry and that I love her," he instructed me to relay to her that message as he released my hand and I stepped around him. "I will," I nodded as I promised to comply with his request. I walked down the hallway and to the room next door which had been the nursery, but had since been transformed into Ria's bedroom so that she was able to sleep in her very own big girl bed. The triplets had been moved a few doors further down into the room that would have been Rebel's, if she ever came to Kashyyyk. I'd reserved it for her, allowing no one else to move in, but when the time came to move Ria out of our bedroom and the nursery was far too small for four toddlers, I decided the only one's worthy of the room were Rebel's children themselves. I assumed Ria would be in her bedroom since that was either where Ash had sent her, or where she'd run off to be alone. My suspicions were proven correct as I heard soft hiccuping sobs coming from the door that was cracked open. "Ria," I knocked softly on the white trim around her door with small purple flowers that she and Sabine had painted on when she moved in. "It's Mama," I said softly, revealing the identity of her visitor. "Are you okay?" I asked as I peeked in at her through the sliver between the door and frame and saw her sitting on the edge of her bed as glistening tears rolled down her cheeks and she looked down at her lap, tapping her shoes together. My heart cried out to her in something I could only think to call motherly affection, an intense, unbreakable bond shared between mother and child, no matter how many times she rolled her eyes at me, as I felt my lower lip pout involuntarily. "Yeah." She sniffled and wiped her nose on her sleeve. I carefully tapped on the door to get it open enough for me to squeeze inside. "Hey, Sunshine." I smiled at her as I slowly shut the door behind me. I liked to call her by that nickname since the color of her hair always reminded me of sunshine and sometimes she could burn if you stayed around her long enough. I maintained a respectful distance as I looked around the room at the purple walls and purple flower rug on the floor finding it funny, almost ironic, how Ria's favorite color was the same as Rebel's and Rebel definitely would've approved of Ria's decorating skills. "Appa hit me," Ria said bluntly and I looked down at her to see she was watching me, her eyes watery. I nodded, showing that I knew and I sat down beside her, taking it as an invitation. "He said that he wants you to know he's very sorry that he did that and that he loves you very much." I brushed her tangly locks as I transmitted the message. "Why did he do it then?" She asked, confused, as she snuggled up next to me and I grew excited, she never cuddled with me. I was always jealous when, after a long and frantic morning of searching for her, thinking she'd disappeared, only to find she'd crawled into bed with Rex and Lily instead of with me. I wasn't exactly sure how to answer her question without explaining to her the complicatedness of Ash's jealousy over Jacen and her grammy's death, so I just told her what sort of encompassed it all. "Appa's just not feeling like himself these days." I gathered her up in my arms, hugging her, savoring this moment in which I was, for once, the favorite parent. "When will he be back?" She asked patiently as if it were a simple fix as she scooted up into my lap. "I don't know." I responded, wishing I could give her a definite answer as I rocked her back and forth, like I'd done when she was a baby and I was trying to lull her to sleep. "I hope soon," she said into my chest, her voice muffled. "Me too," I agreed, patting her back. "Me too," I repeated, muttering it more to myself than to her as I kissed the top of her head. After a few more, all too brief, bonding moments, Ria informed me that she was feeling better and ran off to join her cousins in the playroom. I knew things between her and I would return to normal, me bossing her around, her refusing, but I would remember our moment fondly and look back on it during times when she was frustrating me most as a sign of her underlying trust for me and I hoped she would eventually remember the moment when she was older and we could have a good relationship since she'd seen I wasn't always a strict mother. The most shocking thing came to me when I returned to the bedroom though. Shocking, again, didn't begin to cover it though, appalling was more like it. I found Ash rifling through a large, dark green, opaque duffel bag I'd never seen before on top of the dresser and watched him pull out a box of death sticks, which he used to be addicted to, but that wasn't what he was searching for apparently. He rummaged around in the bag some more while I stood, peering around the doorframe, spying on him, and he groaned when his hand emerged with nothing. "Where is it?" He hissed, muttering to himself as he suddenly turned the bag upside down and dumped the contents out onto the ground. The only other object inside of the duffel though was a plain white pill bottle with no label that fell to the ground. "Ah-ha!" He exclaimed victoriously as he celebrated by pulling his fist down and he tossed the empty bag on the bed haphazardly, snatching the pill bottle up off the floor. "Gotcha," he whispered as he unscrewed the cap with trembling hands and impatiently used his teeth once it didn't open on the first try. He set the lid on top of the dresser and poured a handful of round, white pills in his hand, then threw his head back and popped the unhealthy dosage in his mouth all at once. He groaned in satisfaction and slouched, keeping his hand in front of his mouth until he finally decided to reseal the bottle. I don't know why I didn't smack the bottle out of his hand when I saw him about to take the medication, I guess I was just too stunned to move, or I trusted him too much to believe he was back on drugs. I had never been around him when he was addicted, but if this was what he was like, then I was glad he changed. "How long have you been back on the pills?" I asked curiously as I stepped into the room, making him jump and pull open the top drawer as quickly as he could, then sweep the pills and death sticks inside as if I hadn't seen them. "Does it matter?" He asked defensively as he shrugged, not really giving it much thought. I became enraged by his indifferent attitude when, of course, it mattered to me a great deal how long he'd been lying to me and how long he had planned on keeping it a secret from me. "Yes, of course it matters!" I raised my voice at him as I crossed my arms. It also mattered to me if it was his true or his intoxicated self that had punished Ria. If it had been himself under the influence, that would explain the outburst and since he'd overcome the addiction once before, I was sure he could achieve freedom from it once again, so his act against her would be forgiven and he would be allowed to see his daughter again as soon as he could prove he was off the pills. If it had been his true self though, I wasn't so sure I could let him near Ria ever again. "I need to know how drugged up you were when you hit our daughter." I looked down as I gestured in her direction, unable to look him in the eye as I said those words since they were so unbelievable. "Look," he sighed strenuously and held his hand up to me. "I just take them for my leg," he pointed down at his injured limb as he stuck it out towards me. "And for my dreams," he pointed to his head. "And I didn't hit her." He corrected me sternly. I don't know when I lost his trust so much that he felt he couldn't tell me the pain from his leg and his dreams were so severe he needed treatment in order to endure it, but it felt terrible, lonely, and like I was being betrayed. "Why didn't you tell me about this?" My question came out as a whimper. "Why are you getting so worked up about this?" He griped, his voice rising, along with his temper, as he acted as if I was being the unreasonable one. I didn't think I was overreacting, but apparently he did when he never would've thought so before. "Maybe because you've changed," I said, my voice breaking as I choked back a sob. One change was something, but Ash had completely changed, that involved numerous shifts in personality, of which I had a list. "I mean, punching Jacen," I referenced the occasion about a week ago. "Spanking Ria," I gestured with my thumb in the direction of her room. "Hiding this from me," I pointed to the top drawer in which he'd hidden his medication. "This isn't like you." I shook my head, tightening my arms around myself. "Maybe I'm tired of being the only adult around here!" He yelled, slamming his fist down on the dresser. "Did you think about that?" He asked rhetorically. "Maybe I changed because I grew up!" He stomped towards me and I shrunk backwards as far away as I could get until my back was pressed up against the wall and I was vulnerable yet again. "What about you, Rue?" He jabbed his finger at me. "When are you gonna grow up?" He asked as he leaned down towards me, making certain I felt small. "When are you going to stop wasting time on this kriffing Rebellion," his voice grew loud again as he spat insults at me. "This impossible dream you've clung to since you were a kid that's holding you back," he defined what the rebellion truly was to him. After all these years of wondering if he actually agreed with our cause or only joined us because of me, I finally had my answer. "And actually settle down and build a normal life with me?" He pounded on his chest and I discovered his true desire was only to live an ordinary, typically, traditional, whatever you want to call it, life. That wasn't a type of life I could take part in, I couldn't stand idly by in a galaxy under imperial regime when I knew I had the power to do something about it. That was the basis of my entire being, but it was also where Ash and I disagreed. If we disagreed on the most fundamental level of my personality, I didn't know if we could go on. He never wanted any part of the rebellion, except for me. I can't believe it took me five years to figure it out, but still I wondered if he'd always felt this way, or if this was a new development. I decided to assume, for now, that this was a fresh change of heart, brought on by the medicine, since it was easier to accept than the fact that I'd been living with a liar my entire marriage. "See, this is exactly what I'm talking about!" I screamed back at him. "Where is this coming from?" I gestured into thin air as it really did feel like that's where it had originated from. I wanted to ask him how long he'd been dependent again and if other aspects of his old personality were back, but I feared he'd become defensive again or he would be reluctant to give me the truth. "I feel like I don't know you anymore," I suffocated on my own words, feeling tears stream down my cheeks. "Well then," he chuckled humorlessly, not seeming to notice, or care about, the waterworks as he backed away from me. "Maybe we should just break up!" He shouted and my eyes felt wider than ever before at his outburst and as though they might pop out of my head. "Is that what you want?" He roared and didn't seem to care if anyone had heard him. I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces as he had slowly been chipping away at it with his scornful words and now it truly couldn't take it anymore. I wasn't sure if he really wanted me to answer or not since he already knew the answer would be a resounding no, I could never live without him, but it didn't seem like that was the case for him. He wouldn't have asked me if the thought hadn't realistically entered his mind first. "No," I shook my head, now practically bawling at this point. "But it's obviously what you want since you brought it up!" I gestured to the gap between us. "It's not what I want!" He yelled, denying it as if my accusation was totally out of the blue. "I just said it because I thought it was what you wanted!" There were now tears in his eyes too. I had no idea what had given him that impression, either his powers of perception were skewed or I needed to examine myself better. Either way, he was wrong. "Well, it's not!" I disproved his theory as I stamped my foot. "Good!" He said loudly, throwing his hands in the air. "Good!" I repeated, matching his volume. I found it humorous, if any shred of humor could be found in this, that we were still yelling at each other, even though we were on the same page. As Ash sighed and walked over to the foot of the bed, plopping down on it heavily and resting his face in his hands, I finally registered what had just happened. I recalled our harsh tones in which we'd never spoken to each other and had swore we never would. Now, we had broken that oath. I wondered, though, if it was really a fight or just a tiff. A tiff, we could bounce back from, but a fight, that nasty, terrifying word, sounded like the beginning of the end. I had to ask, I needed to know. "Ash," I dropped my arms at my side as my defensive posture slackened. "Are we fighting?" I asked pathetically. "We're not-" he raised his face from his hands as he immediately denied it. "We promised we'd never do that." I interrupted him as I reminded him of the, what I now realized was impractical, pact we'd made on our wedding day to always discuss things rationally, never hurtfully. "We're not fighting," he said sternly and loudly enough to be heard over my frightened babbling as he straightened up, then sighed. "We're having" he thought for a moment, trying to determine what he should call it. "A heated discussion," he said and it reminded me of what Ash and I would hear parents tell their children on the holoscreen. I thought those situations were only fictitious, but now I worried we'd be in the same bind as those bickering parents and have to give Ria an excuse as to why we were yelling at each other. I scoffed and looked over at the wall. "That sounds exactly like something parents who were fighting would say," I grumbled. "I don't think you should come with me to Ord Mantell," Ash said after a beat of silence. "I think we need a break."