"Kiss me."
Chuck could hardly believe her words. He took a moment to look in her eyes and make sure she really wanted this before leaning towards her. She'd listened to their story, really listened and it had created a powerful glow of hope inside him. This had to work. It just had to. Chuck didn't want to think about a tomorrow in which this didn't work. She was his world, his everything and he couldn't imagine his future without her.
Just like every time he'd kissed Sarah, Chuck could feel the tingle down to his toes. He reached up his hand and gently placed it against her neck as he kissed her. His other hand was at her back. Chuck could feel the tension leave his body as the kiss continued. She was kissing him and it felt like the kisses he remembered. In this moment sitting on a beautiful beach kissing his wife, he felt like everything was gonna be okay.
Kissing Sarah was so familiar, so wonderful, that for a moment Chuck forgot that this was new to her. He moved instinctively, encouraging Sarah to lean back and lay on the sand. To his surprise Sarah went along with it. As she laid back, Chuck followed, careful not to break the kiss. Chuck's left hand gently found its way from her face to the curve of her hip. His other hand had moved to support his weight. His body was off to her side and only his face and arm covered Sarah. Chuck was determined to keep this kiss romantic so he did everything he could to pour every ounce of his love for her into their kiss.
He didn't want to let go. He would never let go of his love for this amazing woman, but he also knew he couldn't make her stay. If she chose to leave he would have to accept it, but that didn't mean he would ever stop fighting. He'd meant every word he'd said. He would always be there when she needed help. It didn't matter if it was today or ten years from now. Chuck knew if Sarah called he'd drop everything and run to her no matter the reason or the risk. She was the one. She was his wife and he'd vowed to prove his love to her every day for the rest of his life. He was going to keep his vow even if she never remembered or loved him back.
Something of his thoughts must have translated through his movements because the kiss changed. He wasn't sure exactly how, but if he wasn't much mistaken Sarah's muscles relaxed. He hadn't even realized she'd been tensed up until he'd felt the muscles in her shoulders release.
Chuck couldn't help but hope that this meant she'd remembered everything. He wanted her to remember so badly it hurt. What he didn't want was to end the kiss. Lying here on the beach kissing Sarah everything was perfect but the moment it ended that could change.
It was Sarah who ended the kiss just a few minutes later. Chuck leaned back to look at her face. She was a bit out of breath, but she was smiling. Chuck was short on air as well but he hardly cared. He just stared into her eyes, hoping. Asking her the question would have been the next logical step, but Chuck didn't want to puncture the moment.
Finally Sarah broke the silence.
"Hi," she said. Chuck couldn't help but chuckle a little. The ice was broken and he sat up. Sarah followed suit.
"Hey honey," Chuck said back. Somehow he knew she hadn't suddenly remembered everything. She was still looking at him with a newness. It was a subtle difference but Chuck could tell the difference plain as day.
"I'm sorry," Sarah said. "I was kinda hoping that would work."
"Me too," Chuck replied though he knew his answer was obvious.
"I want to remember," Sarah continued.
"And I want you to remember," Chuck answered. "But Sarah even if you never remember a single moment I'm still gonna be here for you always."
"I know," Sarah smiled at him. "It's strange. I've never had someone in my life like that before. Someone who cared just 'cause they cared."
Chuck couldn't help but smile. "You've told me that before," he said. "My response then was the same as now. You have me."
"I have you," she repeated back to him almost as if she were trying to convince herself of it.
"That's right," Chuck said, trying to inject humor into the situation to help him cope. "Unconditional support. Best you get used to it now, cause you are stuck with it."
She laughed lightly and Chuck smiled at her. "The life you describe… I mean the life we had. It sounds like a fairy tale to me, a beautiful happy ending that I never once in my life thought I'd have."
"But you do have it," Chuck replied softly. "Everything and anything within my power to give you is already yours Sarah."
"That's a big promise from the man with the intersect," Sarah reminded him.
"Ah yes that," Chuck replied. "I don't have it anymore. Beckmen said if I wasn't going to rejoin the CIA I couldn't keep it."
"I'm kinda surprised," Sarah confessed. "The way you handled that chair bomb I thought for sure you'd want to rejoin. Especially now that I'm…" She trailed off but Chuck knew what she meant.
"My wife wanted to leave the spy game," Chuck explained. "She wanted to completely change our company so that it revolved around computer terrorism instead of spies for hire and I want to turn her idea into a reality. Besides, Casey went off to join up with his girlfriend. Morgan moved in with Alex. They are all going their different ways. Rejoining the CIA without my team wouldn't be right."
"We were that great a team, huh?" Sarah asked.
"That we were."
Neither of them spoke for a moment as they stared out into the ocean. The waves moving back and forth, back and forth along the sand. The sights and sounds were very meditative. They helped calm Chuck enough to ask the question he almost didn't want an answer to.
"So what are you gonna do now Sarah?"
He hadn't turned to face her when he spoke but rather addressed his question to the ocean.
"Our kiss may not have given me my memories back," Sarah began. "But I want them. I want the life everyone has told me I have and to get that life back I need to stay here with you and try and remember it."
Chuck knew he was crying before he could feel the tears on his cheek. He didn't turn to look at her but rather kept his face forward.
"Really?" he asked. He needed confirmation. He needed her to say it just one more time.
"Really," Sarah replied softly. "I didn't feel nothing from our kiss Chuck. It's strange. Like a first date and an arranged marriage all rolled into one or at least it feels like that on my side."
He couldn't stop the chuckle that escaped him. "First date and arranged marriage huh," he said. "That's quite a duo."
"You're right," Sarah said. "That was a dumb metaphor because it isn't that either. First dates and even arranged marriages aren't with someone who already knows you so well as you know me."
"True," Chuck admitted. "There isn't a simple way to explain that part, is there?"
"And it's more than that because there is something here,-" she gestured to the both of them "-that's familiar, like with the paper cups at the restaurant I used to work in. It's just blurry, really blurry."
"I get it," Chuck replied softly and finally turned to face her. She was already looking at him. He didn't know at what point in their conversation she'd turned her face away from the ocean but it had clearly been before him.
"I promise I won't push you," Chuck vowed. "We can do whatever this is at whatever pace you want."
"Okay," Sarah said. "Thanks." Chuck smiled at her and she added, "What about you?"
"What about me, what?"
"What will make this more comfortable for you?" Sarah explained. "We set the boundary for me but what's your boundary?"
Chuck couldn't stop his laugh. Though the tears thought it must have sounded rather ridiculous. "Sarah, I don't have a boundary with you. There isn't anything you could do that… well I guess you could beat me up again."
"Sorry," Sarah replied awkwardly.
"It's okay," Chuck said automatically with a dismissive wave. "Small price to pay." He decided not to voice it outloud, but Chuck knew in his heart that he'd rather get beaten up by Sarah a hundred times over than watch her walk out of his life forever.
"I hit rather harder than that," Sarah reminded him.
Chuck snorted. "And don't I know it!"
She was looking at him again and again Chuck couldn't help but wonder what she was thinking. Oh what he wouldn't give for a look inside her mind.
Sarah knew what the look on his face meant but she was unaccustomed to such an expression being directed at her with such sincere honesty. It was mesmerizing. She couldn't turn away. This man, this stranger, her husband, had a way about him. He seemed to be able to smash her walls to shreds without even trying. The more time she spent with Chuck the more she understood how he'd managed to get her to fall in love with him in the first place. It had been the reason she hadn't wanted to be near him before but now…
Now Sarah wanted to remember. It was such a small difference but it changed everything. She wasn't scared to try and fall in love with him. She wasn't scared of the fairy tale everyone told her she already possessed.
The last few days had shown her there was something worth saving here. She knew how desperately Chuck loved her and yet he'd chosen to save a room full of strangers instead of getting her back. He'd refused to defend himself when she'd been attacking him which was strange enough but to them throw himself between her and a bullet just seconds later. Sarah could not doubt this man's love for her. What she doubted was her worthiness of it. Chuck was selfless, kind, honest and loyal. She was a trained killing machine with a heart of stone. What could she really offer him?
Sarah had felt his kiss in more than just a physical skin to skin way. Her body had reacted emotionally even if her mind didn't understand why. Sarah had never experienced her stomach turning over like that before. She'd never felt a kiss down to her toes before. Her lips were still tingling from his touch and Sarah realized she wanted more.
And she could have more. He'd already martyred himself to being whatever she wanted. It wasn't fair and it wasn't kind, but Sarah was going to take him up on that offer.
Reaching forward she grabbed his face with both her hands and kissed him again. The force of her movement flung him backwards into the sand. Sarah landed on top of him and continued kissing him. She felt his hands at her waist. His touch sent a tingle down her spine. How could this feel so good? It was just a kiss. She'd kissed so many people, but those kisses had been empty, even the ones that hadn't been just for a mission. Kissing Chuck made her feel warm and whole in a way nothing else ever had.
She didn't remember the events that led her to this feeling, but she knew somehow that he had been worth it.
Laying there on top of him she could feel his body's automatic reaction to her, but Chuck made no move to change their position. His hands were still on her hips and he was kissing her lips with enthusiasm but that was it. He was keeping his promise to let this be entirely at her pace. She knew she could kiss him for hours and he wouldn't change a thing. The thought made her more comfortable somehow and she ended the kiss. Turning slightly she laid down on the sand beside him, curling up against him like she had before when she'd been pretending to be his wife. The difference was that this time she was completely relaxed. Now she wasn't pretending to be anything. She was his… something. She was his whatever she wanted to be and in this moment what she wanted was for him to hold her which is exactly what he did. Chuck put his arm around her like he'd done before and she moved closer to put her feet against his. Now that she wasn't on edge thinking she was in the middle of a mission, Sarah had to admit it was nice to have warm feet.
For a moment Sarah just lay there, listening to the sound of Chuck heartbeat in time with the waves. She was so comfortable. It was disarming to be with someone she trusted. Disarming and strange. Sarah wasn't sure when she had last been safe in someone's arms before. The only instance she could think of was when she was a little girl and her mother was there.
"Chuck," Sarah spoke for the first time in a long time. Sarah wasn't sure how long but the shadows on the beach had moved.
"Yeah Sarah."
"How much have I told you about my family?" she asked.
Her family was something she'd never given up before. Not to a single lover or friend. She had a feeling her mother in particular was hidden away and knew there was a reason why, but she was having a hard time finding the information in her head. It had something to do with keeping someone safe. Maybe her mother?
"It took a long time and quite a bit of good luck on my part but today I know everything about your family or at least I think I do. Your father's a con man who got you into all sorts of trouble as a kid until finally he was arrested and you got recruited into the CIA. Five years ago you saved a baby that your handler wanted to kill and left the child with your mother to raise. The CIA didn't have any records of your mother thanks to your father's work on your alias so the baby was safe. That is until a few weeks ago when your old handler captured you and planted a bug on you. We were able to warn your mother in time and everything is fine now. In fact we actually had lunch plans with your mother and Molly coming up. I suppose I forgot to call and cancel."
"Don't cancel," Sarah answered. "I'd like to see mom. Who is Molly?"
"She calls you big sister," Chuck answered. "But she is not technically related to you. She's the baby you rescued."
"Oh right," Sarah said. "Five years, you said. Babies don't stay babies for five years."
"That they do not," Chuck replied. "I still can't believe how fast Clara is growing up."
"Clara is…?"
"My sister's daughter," Chuck explained.
That took Sarah bad to a rather recent rather shameful memory. Ellie had tried to explain that they were family and Sarah hadn't listened.
"How is your sister?" Sarah asked, guiltily.
"You mean since you held her at gunpoint and she crashed the van to stop you?" Chuck answered. Sarah was surprised by the humor in his voice. How could he joke about this?
"Well yeah," Sarah confirmed, a little taken aback.
"She's good," Chuck smiled. "She and Awesome are moving. Fancy doctors got poached for more money at a nicer hospital in Chicago."
The humor in Chuck's voice was such that Sarah felt that if she apologized it would fall on deaf ears. Still she felt bad for what she'd done to Ellie. Quinn was dead now but the damage he had caused was still here. It wasn't fair.
"I'm glad she's okay," Sarah said softly.
Chuck didn't reply and Sarah found she rather liked just listening to the sound of his heartbeat in her ear. Her other ear was facing the ocean. The two rhythmic noises were working together, calming her even further.
Her last thought before she fell asleep was vague. She wasn't sure if it was a dream or not. Chuck's steady heartbeat filled her mind and she realized she wanted to protect that sound. She wanted to protect this warm safe feeling that calmed her soul when she was near him.
When Sarah woke she was still laying beside Chuck on the beach. He must have stayed still and let her sleep. She wasn't sure how long she'd been sleeping but the sun was starting to set.
She turned to look at his face and temporarily froze as she looked into his eyes. Chuck had definitely spent her entire nap watching her sleep because he was looking at her again with that deep honest and overwhelming affection that she couldn't quite understand.
"Morning sleepy head," Chuck said softly.
"The sun is setting," Sarah reminded him.
"Evening sleepy head," Chuck corrected.
"Better," Sarah mumbled. She sat up. Then realized moving away from Chuck's body heat instantly dropped her temperature. She started to shiver, but then she felt his arms wrap around her from behind.
"You're cold," he said. "We should probably leave."
"You're right we should." But Sarah didn't want to. It felt like this beach was some kind of bubble and when she left it nothing would be the same.
"Or if you'd rather I can see if I have a blanket in the car," Chuck offered.
"No, I'm just being silly," Sarah sighed. "We should go." She stood up which meant shivering again but that was okay. She was a spy damn it. She was rough.
"How am I supposed to keep you warm if you keep moving away?" Chuck asked. Then he seemed to realize something. "Or would you rather I not… I mean am I making you uncomfortable?"
Sarah didn't want to lie to him. She didn't like the hurt in his voice either so she turned around and wrapped both her arms around him. He responded as she suspected he would, by gently encircling her with his arms.
"If you're tired we can go home and lay down," Chuck added. "There are blankets at home and warm pajamas."
"And by that you mean?" Sarah asked. She was picturing some floor length flannel pants with a long sleeved thing and the thought made her cringe.
"I mean nothing," Chuck answered, clearly flustered. "I mean I want you to be not cold."
"Has married me taken to wearing flannel or something?" Sarah asked, still picturing itchy fabric.
"Nope," Chuck replied. "But you do have a couple nice longer style pants type things and given the circumstances I thought you'd be more comfortable in something… like that instead of umm… something else."
Sarah laughed. "You are adorable, you know that," she said. "I think I could sleep naked and I'd be more comfortable than you right now."
Chuck opened his mouth several times then closed it again.
"How long have we been married anyway?" Sarah asked.
"A- about a year," Chuck said. He still looked a little frazzled.
"And the idea of me naked still turns you into a stuttering fool huh?"
Chuck only grinned sheepishly. "You do know that you are drop dead gorgeous and trained in the art of seduction, right? No man stands a chance, least of all me."
"Why least of all you?"
Chuck just shrugged. "I'm no expert but I'm guessing seduction gets easier when your mark is madly in love with you." He said it so casually. Like he was stating some kind of fact about the weather.
"It's true," Sarah laughed. "You never stood a chance."
"That is absolutely correct," Chuck agreed at once. "Now we should get you home before you freeze."
Sarah nodded and the two of them walked towards Chuck's nerd herd car. Chuck asked if she had a car they needed to bring back, but she replied that she'd taken a taxi.
Chuck found a blanket in the back of the car and gave it to her before getting in the driver's side and starting the car.
Sarah turned away and looked out the window. Freeze. The feeling of being cold was bouncing around in her head. It was almost like Sarah was remembering being very cold before, deadly cold. Her skin pressed up against some kind of metal. Maybe sitting down somewhere way too cold.
"Did I once almost freeze to death sitting on a metal chair?" Sarah asked suddenly.
"Our wedding you forget," Chuck explained exasperatedly. "But being captured and tortured by your ex boyfriend who tried to take down the entire CIA, that you remember."
"Damn that doesn't sound good," Sarah replied. "How did we get out of that one?"
"Shaw didn't want to kill you," Chuck explained. "He wanted you to watch me die."
Sarah listened as Chuck explained how it had all gone down. How Casey had rescued her while Chuck had fought Shaw. She asked follow up questions and got Chuck to admit to why Shaw had it in for Sarah.
"I killed his wife?" Sarah asked.
"The CIA killed his wife," Chuck corrected her. "You were just their blunt instrument. It was your red test."
"You know about that too?" Sarah couldn't help asking. There didn't seem to be anything about her that Chuck didn't know. What Sarah didn't understand was how he could still love her so much if he really knew her so well. The trained killing machine and the sensitive guy. It didn't make any sense. The more she learned the more she felt like she didn't deserve him.
He'd told her before that not being able to kill was one of the things Sarah had valued most in Chuck. To her that sounds like he loved her no matter what but she only loved him if he hadn't killed anyone. Wouldn't that make her love conditional while his was not. What did that say about her?
But it didn't matter. There wasn't anything she could do about it. Even if she left him, Sarah had a feeling that he wouldn't move on, wouldn't find someone better. He'd just remain hers forever. If she'd thought for a second leaving him would have helped him, Sarah wouldn't have hesitated, but she knew it would never work. She'd seen how far his devotion to her had taken him. Leaving wasn't the answer.
"Yep," Chuck replied. "I know about your red test. I know your birth name too though you hate using it."
Sam.
Sarah froze for a moment. She could remember that. When she'd been little that had been her name. Sam. It was the name her father had used for her before he went to prison. But her more recent memories of the name didn't feel so good. She'd told the wrong person. That much she did remember. What she couldn't remember was why or in what way? She just had this feeling like she'd regretted sharing.
"I remember my original name," Sarah said. "But from what I can recall I don't think I told you about it."
"You didn't," Chuck replied. "I overheard you telling someone else while I was undercover."
"Well that sounds complicated," Sarah stated.
"Immensely," Chuck agreed.
They'd arrived at Chuck's apartment or she supposed it was their apartment. Sarah suddenly realized how tired she was. Emotionally more than physically but even so it would be nice to rest.
Together they went inside. She'd been here before since losing her memory, but now somehow it seemed different. Before she'd thought every photo had been a cover. Knowing all those smiles were real smiles hit different. But she didn't have the emotionally energy to unpack that right now. Instead Sarah didn't focus on anything in the living room and made her way quickly down the hall to the bed or she supposed it was their bed. Once again it hit differently but Sarah didn't want to focus on it.
She went over to the closet and opened the door. Her clothes were hung up which would make sense for a husband and wife cover like she'd thought the last time she'd seen it, but now.
Sarah was trying not to process. She was too tired for this, but she couldn't stop staring. There were her things hanging up like they were always going to be there and not on a plane within the hour. It was so domestic and not a cover. This was her real life. The idea both scared her and made her want to smile.
"We have some suitcases if you'd prefer," Chuck's voice came from behind her. "But can we save packing for tomorrow? It's late." He punctuated the comment by yawning hugely.
Sarah had to admit she was surprised. It was like Chuck had read her mind and he hadn't even needed to look at her face to manage it. If she was a mark she was a pretty easy one.
Once again she decided not to think about it and forced herself to pick out something to sleep in. Picking out a pair of comfortable but stylish looking shorts and top, Sarah started getting changed right away.
"I know I'm your husband but since you don't remember I kinda figured you'd want privacy," Chuck confessed.
Sarah shrugged. "Doesn't bother me," she said, turning to speak to him as she changed. "Spies don't often get that luxury on missions."
"Fair point," Chuck admitted. "I myself have been on a few missions like that. Most notably the nudist cult we joined for a couple hours to steal a computer virus. It's a good story. Remind me to give you the details sometimes. Anyway what I was getting at is that right now we aren't on a mission so I wanted to be considerate and yep you are naked now and I'm gonna go take a cold shower."
He turned to leave and for a split second Sarah was going to let him that is until it made her feel wrong inside. She'd intended to go to bed, to fall asleep next to him and leave it at that, but now suddenly she didn't want to. She realized in that second that she didn't want him to leave. Why did it feel more intimate to her to sleep beside someone than to sleep with them? Maybe this would make it easier somehow and help the wrong feeling go away.
"Don't do that," she said. She reached out and touched his arm. He hadn't gotten far but at her touch he froze. Gently she turned him around to face her. To her great surprise Chuck was actually looking in her eyes despite her total lack of clothing. Even standing completely naked he was looking at her. It was sweet. Everything about this man was kind and gentle compared to her. What was it that Casey had said? Bartowski made them both a little soft? Sarah was starting to understand what he meant.
"Kiss me Chuck," Sarah said softly.
Chuck didn't need telling twice. A soft desperate moan escaped his throat as he kissed her. Sarah felt that whooshing feeling in her stomach again as his hands touched her skin. She liked that feeling.
This was something she could do. Something she was good at. Something she could give him. She didn't remember being in love with him. She couldn't feel the emotion that deeply but that didn't mean she felt nothing. When she was with Chuck she felt something. It was just blurry and hard to understand. The best way she could describe it was that Chuck brought out the best in her. She was the best version of herself with him around.
Sarah was about halfway through getting his clothes off, when Chuck seemed to come to his senses for a moment. He gently stopped her and looked into her eyes, asking if she was sure. Before she could even answer him he was off babbling on about how he didn't want to pressure her and how it had taken almost three years for them to sleep together the first time and so on. He did know how to babble that's for sure. It boded well for them that she found it so adorable.
"It was kinda strange actually cause we were in Paris and you had just almost died again which I suppose could be called romantic but it was more along the lines of terrifying in my book and-"
Sarah cut him off with a finger pressed over his lips. "Tell me you love me," Sarah instructed.
"I love you," Chuck answered at once, his voice full of emotion. "I love you so much Sarah. There aren't words powerful enough to tell you how much I love you."
"Then kiss me," Sarah whispered. That was the end of his babbling. He threw himself into the kiss like he was drowning and Sarah was his life raft. In seconds, Sarah's skin was on fire, her heart pounding in her chest. It was instantly obvious to her that they had done this before. Even if she couldn't remember it, Chuck definitely did. He knew everything she liked without being told. He interpreted all her movements and sounds like a man who has studied them in great detail. Making love to Chuck felt like coming home. His love was like a warm blanket wrapped around her and Sarah wanted to be worthy of that love. She wanted to protect it and keep it safe. She wanted to remember. She wanted to give him his wife back.
Somewhere between getting the last of Chuck's clothes off and falling asleep, Sarah realized exactly what all this meant. It was a mission and the mission was to remember everything about Chuck Bartowski. It could very well be the hardest mission she ever had, but she knew somehow that it was also the most worthwhile one. She was determined to do her best to accomplish her mission. A good spy could do nothing less.
I hope you enjoyed my little after the end for Chuck and Sarah. I just recently finished rewatching the show. I hadn't seen it since it aired live over ten years ago and wow had I forgotten most of it. Super fun re-watch but then I watched that ending again which was about as unfulfilling as I remembered. When I watched it the first time I wasn't really much a writer yet so nothing happened but this time the moment that last episode ended my brain started trying to write the rest of the scene and within a few days I had this chapter finished.
I know alot of Chuck post ending stories feature Sarah leaving but I could just never picture her doing that. Besides technically in the show she already ran away once after Casey gave her the video logs. In that last episode she seems hopeful when Chuck tells her he can use the glasses to get her memories back. She even seems hopeful when she asks Chuck to kiss her on the beach. I always felt like Sarah wanted to remember him by the time the show ended and someone who wants to remember wouldn't leave. At least that was my take on it.