Where the playroom gets relabeled…
"Ana, I know the last time we were in the playroom you safe worded me. I hope we can erase those memories today." He says.
Memories of the punishing incident pop up in my mind. That was almost a month ago. We haven't come back to the playroom ever since.
I am so nervous I can't speak. I nod in agreement.
"I'll see you there in fifteen minutes."
Red room of pain… here we go again.
I sit down on my knees as instructed. Only in my lace panties and with braided hair. But wait… the wall where all those whips hung is empty. Also the rail with the belts.. He had taken those away… for me?
I hear him enter. I see this bare feet in front of me. Where are his jeans? It looks like he's wearing some kind of cotton joggers. What is going on? This isn't his usual style. I don't dare to look up.
"Stand up." He says. I do as told. Maybe I was interpreting too much into it.
"Put this on." He says and holds out a piece of clothing to me. It seems to be a robe. Confused I take it, it's a delicate natural material with a cherry blossom print. So feminine and lovely. Such a stark contrast to the harsh red ropes and floggers around us.
"We're going to do this differently today." He says and I still don't dare to look up at him. His voice is hoarse and it makes me even more confused. What did he mean and…
Where is Dominant Christian?
He walks to the chest of drawers and comes back to take my hand.
"I just want to show you what you mean to me. And how all of this.." He gestures to our surroundings ".. Fits in."
I don't understand a single word. As far as I know he uses the playroom and its contents to satisfy his sexual appetite.
He walks me to the cross and pulls a blindfold from his pocket. The next second I'm blind and at his mercy.
Warm lips on me. I startle a little at it, being taken by surprise by his delicate kiss. It feels urgent and somehow.. Nervous? He pulls off my hair tie and unravels my hair.
Why is he nervous.. And more importantly if he is then I should be more than alarmed. No matter what he's about to do it definitely is something that will push me to my boundaries.
Before I know what happens he leans back and starts to shackle my ankles and wrist to the cross.
My throat feels very dry. I am so confused.
When I'm strapped straight legged and arms held out, unable to move, he leaves me. I don't know where he is. Not close to me for sure.. After what feels like ages I feel his presence close to me again.
The tension is unbearable. What kind of scene is this even?
"Sir, may I speak freely?" I ask, hoping not to have earned some punishment for crossing the line.
He clears his throat and only then I realize that it's too quiet. No music. Odd.
Christian doesn't answer me but steps close enough for me to feel his warmth. Goosebumps form on my arms and back.
He kisses me, again and again. I feel myself relax a little with every kiss. With the back of his hand he strokes my cheek with such a tender motion. I lean into his hand, enjoying his touch.
He leans back and I'm confused again. Why shackle me and then only kiss? Normally at this point he'd be all over me with his kinky fuckery. And I would be almost naked.
"Sir?" I ask again. Definitely dangerous at this point but better than safe wording due to my nerves being overwhelmed with anxiety.
"I need a moment… " he says almost to himself. Christian is nervous. There is no doubt now. And that makes me even more nervous. I start to babble.
"Sir, I know I safe worded the last time but that was different. I'm sure that won't happen again.. Everything we've done beside that I've enjoyed. Please, don't be afraid to touch me." I say. Hoping to give him and frankly myself some peace of mind.
"Is this what you think.. what all of this is about?" he asks and again I feel like he's mostly talking to himself.
"I don't know, Sir." Because honestly I am so bewildered at this point.
"Call me by my given name."
"Christian?" I ask stupidly, now tossing the submissive persona aside. Really? What the hell. What about the submissive mindset and courtesy? Isn't this going to ruin the dynamics? I'm dumbfounded for a moment.
"Yeah. Good to know you remember it." He jokes and both of us laugh a little. "The more you talk the harder this will get." He says and silences me.
What is going on here? For God's sake.
He grabs my head firmly and then he's kissing me passionately again. I try to relax. Sure, I like Dominant Christian and for today he seems to be absent. I just have to suck it up and see what he has planned. Even if it isn't according our usual encounter here.
"Do you know how much I want you?" he says feverishly in between kisses. He slides down my jaw to kiss my throat. Oh, that feels heavenly. Finally we're back to what we know best.
"Yes." I huff. That probably was a rhetorical question.
"No, you can't even imagine. Do you have any idea what you've done to me?" he says and seduces me even more with his touch, his warmth so close to me and his pleasant scent. Too bad my hands are shackled, I just want to grab his hair and pull him even closer to me.
As if he'd heard my thoughts he frees my right hand while stepping back, I let it fall to my side.
He envelopes my hand into his and comes closer again, pressing his body into mine. I wish I could see him, it would have helped with my rising anxiety.
"Do you have any idea how much I love you?"
Involuntary a grin spreads on my face from ear to ear.
'I love you too, Christian!' I want to yell at the top of my lungs with joy. Before I can open my mouth he pushes my hand into his naked chest, locking it in between us while crashing his lips onto mine.
For a moment I don't know what is going on. Everything happens so fast, compared to the achingly slow and uneventful beginning of our scene.
Wait. I'm touching him. I can feel his chest under my palm. I try to move my fingers and he groans a little in response. He leans back and both of us are out of breath, I cannot stop grinning.
Christian, you're letting me touch you!
Again he leans up so he can open my left wrist cuff. I raise both my hands to cup his face which is kind of difficult as I cannot see him.
Why did he even blindfold and shackle me in the first place if he had this in mind?
"I love you, too." I say to the darkness in front of me when I feel his face between my hands. It is warmer than expected.
Encouraged by his unspoken permission I let my hands slide down his neck to the top of his shoulders, slowly over his chest, to his sides where I let them rest for a moment. Christian is taking deep breaths at this point and I'm not sure if it's out of arousal.
"Ana.." He chokes out before holding me into a tight embrace. Slowly I snake my hands around his waist, finding their way up and let them rest under his shoulder blades. He flinches slightly and grabs me tighter.
What an odd sight we must be, me blindfolded with shackled ankles and him holding me close as if his life depended on it. In his playroom of all the places…
And then it hits me like a lightning bolt.
This room. His playroom. It's his safe space. His sanctuary.
Now, he's allowing me to see all of him. Under his own rules, he let's me heal what others outside of this room have broken in him.
Me being free and bound at the same time gives me a clear image of what his life must feel like. Master of his universe living under the shackles of his past.
With my hand I draw small circles on his back, enjoying this new found intimacy with him only to realize that my neck is very wet.
Oh God.
I lift my hands off him immediately.
"I'm sorry, Christian. I'm so sorry.. " I say and feel the tears coming.
He grabs me even harder and both of us are silently crying at this point. I pull the wet eye mask down, it hangs awkwardly around my neck.
He presses a few words out, muted by his head buried in my neck. I can only guess what he's trying to say and it makes me cry even harder.
We stay like this for a long time, even after our breaths have evened out. Absently I massage the back of his head, staring at the red wall opposite to us. Taking a long breath he leans back to rub his eyes with a swift motion. I lean down and open my wrist shackles. When I come back to a stand he averts my gaze, obviously embarrassed.
"I didn't plan it to end this way." He says after a while.
I have to chuckle a little. I know, Christian, I know.
"I'm glad it did." I say and immediately regret saying it like that. Who in his right mind is glad to see their loved ones crying? "What I mean is.. " I try to correct myself.
"You're glad to know I'm not as tough as I try to be." He finishes my sentence, turns around and sits down on the couch. Timidly I follow him. He leans forward to intertwine his fingers behind his neck, looking somehow defeated.
"Actually, I wanted to say the opposite. You're the strongest man I know."
Sitting next to him I stroke his arm, hoping he would sit up to finally look at me. He doesn't.
"Christian, look at me." No movement.
"Look at me! Please.. "I tug on his arm a little harder. When he sits up and finally our gaze meet, I see him. The real Christian. Insecure. Abandoned. Lost.
"I mean it. It is one of the reasons I love you. And I want you to know… no matter what, I'll never leave you. "
Of course I know that was an extremely daring promise to make, knowing the fact we were only seeing each other for a few months. But I knew it was true. Our fate was intertwined, there was no future for me without him. I just hoped he felt the same…
He smiles at that and leans in to kiss my temple. Slowly he comes to a stand, holding his hand out for me.
"Let's get out of here."
When we leave the playroom I am sure of one thing.
This isn't the red room of pain. It is the red room of trust. And I couldn't wait to be back in it again.