XXX

He was having another episode, this time seemingly triggered by the nightmares he'd been having lately. Apparently, his brain had finally gotten around to processing everything that he'd seen of the original's memories (as well as a few things he was pretty sure Meng Mo hadn't been able to show him), and it was using his dreams to do it. Except most of what he knew about Shen Jiu's memories was actually kind of terrible, so the dreams really were more akin to nightmares, especially with the way they had him bolting up in bed at night. After seeing his husband so unsettled by his dreams night after night, Luo Binghe had offered to use his dream powers to do something about it, but Shen Qingqiu was too opposed to the idea of Luo Binghe finding out anything, whether it be his true identity or what happened in Shen Jiu's past. He might be able to hide the 'not really the original Shen Qingqiu' thing if Luo Binghe only stuck to helping him with the nightmares involving that man's past, but was it really any better to let Luo Binghe see any of that? As it was, now that he knew, Shen Yuan already felt a tiny bit bad about the invasion of privacy, and it felt like letting Luo Binghe see would be even worse. Plus, he was pretty sure that, if Luo Binghe saw those memories, especially with not knowing his true identity, he would go on a rampage because of how 'his Shizun' had been hurt, and Shen Qingqiu really wanted to avoid that.

And if it was just nightmares, that would have been fine. They're unpleasant, but normally, he'd be able to wake up, snap out of them, and calm down. Except he was having a rather difficult time with the 'snapping out of it' part. Sometimes, it felt like his dreams were seeping into the waking world, not quite ending at the point he woke up. Sometimes, he'd forget where he was or what was going on, or he'd believe that the dreams were happening right now.

At some point, the dreams of Shen Jiu's past started to mix with the memories of Shen Yuan, and that made it so much worse. Qiu Jianluo's face would replace his eldest brother's, or his little sister would take the place of Ning Yingying in a particular memory, or some memories would be scrambled entirely, in which there would be seamless transitions between the two halves. His high school graduation melded together with the day Shen Jiu joined the Cang Qiong Mountain Sect, a fight with dad combined with a beating from Qiu Jianluo even though his father never laid a hand on him. In one dream, he thought he remembered what classes Luo Binghe took when they went to college together.

Sometimes, he was able to sort it out because there were clear indications that his mind was just making something up. After all, Luo Binghe didn't even know what a TV was, so they couldn't have been watching that movie, but other times, he found it hard to figure out what memories were real and which ones were even his. He found himself wondering sometimes whether Shen Yuan ever actually existed or whether he'd just made him up in his overly-creative dreams. Maybe he was Shen Jiu and always had been. Maybe he'd just lost a bunch of his memories when he'd fallen ill with that fever. Maybe it was that same fever that had him confused over who he was.

"Shizun?" Luo Binghe questioned, his groggy voice concerned as Shen Qingqiu's nightmare woke not only himself but his husband as well.

Shen Qingqiu was breathing heavily, sitting up, and blinking rapidly. His face was covered in blood, so with shaking hands, he tried to wipe it off. No matter how much he scrubbed at his cheek with his sleeve, however, he couldn't seem to get clean.

"Shizun?" Luo Binghe repeated. "You're going to irritate your skin."

Gentle hands took his and moved them back to his lap. He could still feel the warm blood dripping down his cheeks.

"I can't get it off…," Shen Qingqiu mumbled, more to himself than to his husband.

"Can't get what off?"

He could still feel the blood coating his hands, too. Maybe that's why he couldn't get it off. Stained hands couldn't wipe away the blood. It would just smear even more onto his cheeks.

"Shizun?" Luo Binghe tried again before sighing. "Shizun, would it help if I got a damp cloth?"

Shen Qingqiu didn't answer. Or maybe he nodded. He was still blinking, trying to sort through what happened in the dream and what didn't. Was Yue Qingyuan really dead? No, he was pretty sure that happened in the original story. That didn't happen here. He wouldn't be in bed with Luo Binghe if those events leading up to Yue Qingyuan's death had happened here… Except, Shen Qingqiu wasn't present for his death in the original, was he? He hadn't been the one to kill him with his own hands. So why were his hands covered in blood, why was blood splattered onto his face? Had Shen Qingqiu killed him differently in this world?

He felt a cool cloth dab at his cheek.

"There. Is that better?"

His eyes slowly shifted to look at his husband, who openly wore a concerned expression. Something must have made Luo Binghe take up his hands as well and wipe those, too, and Shen Qingqiu couldn't help feeling relieved that he didn't need to ask for it.

"Thank you, Binghe," he eventually muttered.

"You're welcome," Luo Binghe replied. "How are you feeling?"

He felt much better being clean, even if it didn't get rid of what he'd done.

"… Is Yue Qingyuan dead…?" he ended up asking instead of answering the question.

Luo Binghe's face twisted in confusion.

"Sect leader Yue? No, why would he be dead? Why do you think he's dead?"

Ah. So all of that really had been a dream, then.

He shook his head.

"Are you alright? Shizun, really, I'm very worried about you."

"Sorry… I was just… confused for a moment…"

Luo Binghe frowned, especially when Shen Qingqiu started to just stare down at his hands for a bit too long.

"Shizun."

Shen Qingqiu blinked but didn't answer. Luo Binghe took a deep breath in.

"Shen Qingqiu," he said, voice firm but not harsh.

The man flinched and turned to look at him again, his face blank now that he had calmed down from the nightmare and slipped back into apathy.

"I think we need to do something about this."

"… I'm fine."

"You're not," Luo Binghe insisted. "I-I can tell you're not. You're not even hiding it very well anymore."

Shen Qingqiu felt pin pricks in the corners of his eyes, but he wasn't quite sure if he was sad or something else.

"I don't like seeing you struggle like this," continued Luo Binghe. "I don't know what's wrong, but can't we try to do something about it?"

"… I don't know."

"Well, we can find out, okay? There has to be something."

Shen Qingqiu nodded and felt his husband's arms wrap around him. He did his best to focus on that weight, on the pressure surrounding him. His memories were confused, but Luo Binghe was solid and real and he could at least know that was true.

XXX

Shen Qingqiu had been brought back to Cang Qiong Mountain by none other than Luo Binghe. The two of them tended not to stay there, preferring to wander around elsewhere, primarily because Luo Binghe still wasn't the most welcome of guests. They had reached a point where he would be allowed to stay without being driven out (particularly by Liu Qingge), but this was mostly because everyone knew that, if Shen Qingqiu was there, he'd come right back anyway, and if he wasn't, he'd probably be wherever Shen Qingqiu was.

This particular visit, however, was rather surprising, in that Luo Binghe had come to them for help. The demon lord seemed to only do so begrudgingly, as he was at a loss on what to do. Something was wrong with Shen Qingqiu, though it seemed that Luo Binghe, and even Shen Qingqiu himself, were a bit confused on what exactly was wrong with him.

Though…, it seemed like 'confused' was a pretty good way to sum it up, actually.

Out of concern for his friend, Shang Qinghua had been spending more time on An Ding peak than usual as well and going over to visit his fellow transmigrator. Some days, he seemed more-or-less normal, at least to an outside perspective. Other days, though, his behavior was completely different. During some of his visits, Shen Qingqiu would just stare at a wall or a mirror or nothing, even, and he wouldn't speak a single word in the entire time Shang Qinghua was there. Other times, he would speak, but the words would have little thought put into them, practically automatic, and his voice had a dull quality to it that sounded wrong even coming out of his mouth. There were also the days he seemed distressed, and those days were typically the ones where Shen Qingqiu would ask him a series of questions that Shang Qinghua didn't always know how to answer. 'Is my sister here?' 'Did Ming Fan die yet?' 'You're not from this world, right?' 'Where do my parents live, again?' 'Did I have parents?' 'Why did I kill Yue Qingyuan?'.

It wasn't even that he didn't ever have the answer (though he really didn't know why Cucumber-bro thought he would know anything about his family, considering that they didn't know each other outside of their internet handles in the other world), but rather, he didn't know why Shen Qingqiu was asking such things. He should know that the timeline had been altered enough that Ming Fan still lived. He should know that their whole friendship was built off of the both of them being transmigrators. He really should know that he hadn't killed Yue Qingyuan, especially since the man was breathing and well and had visited him just the other day.

Shang Qinghua usually knew how to answer most of Shen Qingqiu's questions, though, especially because they often centered around things he himself wrote, but he was continually caught off-guard about the fact that Cucumber-bro was asking at all. He shouldn't be so confused about things, especially since there didn't seem to be a specific cause. Unless the man hit his head at some point and had just neglected to tell anyone (except it wasn't really amnesia as much as remembering too much- both things that did and did not happen or did not happen the way he remembered).

Eventually, Shen Qingqiu confided in him that his nightmares have been combining aspects of his old life, Shen Jiu's memories, and his life here, and it left him confused about things. It explained the questions. It didn't explain the staring, or the nightmares themselves, or the panic attacks.

They'd been trying to treat whatever's wrong with him, but even Mu Qingfang seemed to be at a bit of a loss. At first, they thought that he might be having a qi deviation, but the typical treatments only helped a little. Then they thought that Shen Qingqiu might have managed to get himself poisoned again without noticing, but they hadn't found any actual evidence of that being the case. There wasn't anything to suggest he was sick, either. On his own, Shang Qinghua sifted through his mind to try to remember if he wrote any mythical beasts or objects that could have such an effect, but he wasn't coming up with anything. Asking Shen Qingqiu himself, who sometimes seemed to remember more details about his story than he himself did at times, didn't provide any more answers.

The eventual conclusion was that it was a problem with his mental state, a conclusion that didn't seem to surprise Shen Qingqiu as much as disappoint him. Shang Qinghua was pretty sure that there were aspects to this that he wasn't telling anyone, so perhaps, he'd already known that it was a mental thing and hadn't wanted to say it. Or perhaps he'd been holding out hope that it had been something else.

Either way, the worried look on Luo Binghe's face was heart-breaking. Of course, as clingy and protective as the demon lord was, he was quite upset about the whole situation, and he'd likely been hoping for something that could be solved with something like a journey or a battle. Mental health, however, couldn't be quite so easily fixed, and they all knew it.

The man barely left his husband's side unless he requested it or Mobei-jun informed him of something going on in his territory that was too important to go ignored, and even then, he'd try to argue against leaving.

Today was one such time in which Luo Binghe couldn't weasel his way out of handling his kingdom. There was a pretty serious attempt at rebellion at one of his borders, and there were apparently a significant number of human captives involved as well. The demon lord hadn't had much choice other than doing something about it.

Unfortunately, today was also one of Shen Qingqiu's worse days. He'd already looked bad when Shang Qinghua showed up, dark bruises beneath his eyes and a confused glint within them that indicated he'd had another nightmare, and his appearance was more disheveled than he previously would have allowed for himself. Neither thing was particularly strange nowadays, even if everyone would prefer they were.

Rather than appearing apathetic, though, he actually seemed pretty agitated. He kept twirling his hair and picking at his fingertips, his eyes darting around the room.

"Hey, Cucumber-bro," Shang Qinghua greeted, trying to keep his tone a little up-beat.

Shen Qingqiu's eyes darted toward him, but only for a second before they lowered to the floor.

"Hey, Airplane," he replied quietly, sighing.

Shang Qinghua sat on the floor in front of where the other man was sitting.

"So… how are you…?" he asked, trying to see if the man wanted to talk about anything.

His attempts were met with a half-hearted glare.

"I think I'm going insane."

Shang Qinghua blinked.

"Okay, well, that's not… good…," he responded tactlessly.

"I'm aware."

The author frowned.

"I mean, do you really think you're going insane, or are you just saying it? Like, are we talking 'something is driving you mad' kinda thing or 'actual medical issue' kinda thing?" Shang Qinghua questioned.

"Mu Qingfang already said I'm crazy," Shen Qingqiu spat back.

"I mean, he didn't really say that," the other man corrected. "I'm just… I don't know, I don't really know what I'm supposed to do here. I don't know if you're going insane. I hope the fuck not? It would help if you actually explained what's going on a little more, but everyone's kinda at a loss here."

"I don't know!" Shen Qingqiu suddenly shouted. "I don't know what's fucking wrong with me! I should be used to this by now- I was used to it! I'm just- not anymore…"

Shang Qinghua quirked an eyebrow.

"Not used to what?"

The other man gestured around wildly and vaguely, not really demonstrating much.

"This!"

"But what is this?" the An Ding peak lord pressed. "You're not actually answering me."

"I don't know! This world- this body- I thought I got used to it! But it still just feels- wrong!"

With this, Shen Qingqiu curled in on himself a bit, hugging his arms against his abdomen and looking determinedly away from him. A second later, a couple tears squeezed themselves out of his eyes, rolling down his cheeks. Shang Qinghua just stared at him for a moment, trying to figure out what to say so he didn't end up saying something stupid, which he knew would just get Shen Qingqiu more agitated.

It wasn't a full explanation, but it was something, at least. And apparently, it was related to this not being their original world, which would explain why Cucumber was so hesitant to explain much about it to the others. After all, if he had started telling them about being from a different world, they would have declared he was mentally ill long before ruling other possibilities out (however, this did not explain why he hadn't said anything to Shang Qinghua any of the times they were alone together. It made him wonder about the time Shen Qingqiu had asked him to confirm he was a transmigrator too).

Come to think of it, it wasn't so strange to have some kind of feelings about being brought to another world and shoved into someone else's body. Airplane hadn't minded so much, considering that he was a destitute loser without real friends or family who gave much of a shit about him. But even then, he'd strongly considered going back when the System offered, and if he wasn't in love with Mobei-jun, he probably would have gone. He may have gotten the same 'loser' vibes from Cucumber, but perhaps he'd been projecting a bit. Maybe he wasn't better off here than in their original world.

Well, perhaps being put in the role of a scum villain would do that. Not like being cannon fodder was much better, but at least Shang Qinghua wasn't one of the main antagonists.

Even still, shouldn't Cucumber be used to it by now? It had been well over a decade, and he hadn't been acting like this the entire time. Sure, he'd overheard a few whispers between Yue Qingyuan and Liu Qingge about Shen Qingqiu acting strangely while Luo Binghe was in the Abyss, but there was no way he was this bad. And that had been much closer to the beginning of all this, so that was more understandable. But why would it be worse after so long?

"So, this is about transmigrating here?" Shang Qinghua asked for confirmation.

"I think so?" Shen Qingqiu huffed. "I never felt like this back in our world. Not like this."

"Hm," Shang Qinghua hummed contemplatively, crossing his arms over his chest.

If that was the case, what were they supposed to do? Mu Qingfang had suggested that talking things out might help (ye olde therapy), but how was Shen Qingqiu supposed to 'talk things out' when the root of the problem was something he couldn't actually talk about? The only one he could discuss this with was Shang Qinghua himself, and he wasn't some kind of mental health expert. He didn't even know if he could help. In fact, there was the distinct possibility that he'd somehow make it worse.

"… Don't you ever feel like this?" Shen Qingqiu asked. "Like you can't look in a mirror without feeling wrong?"

At this, Shang Qinghua couldn't hold back a slight grimace.

He'd written Mobei-jun to be his ideal man, and in the earlier draft stage of Proud Immortal Demon Way, he'd entertained the idea of teasing a relationship between Mobei-jun and the original Shang Qinghua.

Because Shang Qinghua had originally started as a self insert character.

He'd very quickly been relegated to a minor cannon fodder character, largely because of the readers' generally negative reaction toward him (and that didn't sting at all! Nope!), and he therefore ceased to be a self-insert (after all, he couldn't bear it if everyone hated his self-insert). Any hints of them being a couple were similarly eliminated.

Therefore, although he didn't look exactly like he used to in their original world, Shang Qinghua actually looked enough like him that his appearance barely even came across his mind as something to think about.

In other words, he couldn't relate to this particular problem of Cucumber-bro's at all!

"Um, well… not really…," he muttered bashfully. "Shang Qinghua… happened to look pretty similar to what I looked like…"

He received a deadpan look.

"You're the author. There is no 'happened to'."

"Ah, well, it's a coincidence that this is the character I happened to transmigrate into!" he defended. "It's not like I got to pick! Though, imagine how awkward it would have been if I became someone else and then saw the original Shang Qinghua around…"

Shen Qingqiu sighed.

"Okay, so you don't get it. Cool. Whatever."

Hey, it's not like this was his fault! If anything, he should be blaming the System, not Shang Qinghua's lack of an identity crisis!

Wait. Was Shen Qingqiu having an identity crisis?

Again, why now, though?

"Anyway, seeing as the others aren't around right now, do you have any ideas of why it's so bad right now that you couldn't say in front of them?"

The other man took a moment to mull the question over before responding.

"… Something to do with the original's memories, I guess? It wasn't as bad before I started getting these nightmares with his memories in them," came the answer. "But I don't know why I'm getting so confused. I should be able to tell they're nightmares after I wake up, but…"

That was another thing that didn't exactly help figuring out the timeline. Cucumber had told him about unlocking most of Shen Jiu's backstory at some point, but that was also a while ago by now. So again, why was it only affecting him now?

Mentally, he sighed. Maybe the when didn't really matter as much as the why and how would they fix it.

But… Shen Jiu's memories… Actually, those were incredibly messed up, weren't they? He'd written them to be messed up, and even though that backstory had never ended up in the original Proud Immortal Demon Way, it was clearly still Shen Jiu's past in this world, based on the descriptions Cucumber had given him.

.

.

Oh. That was kinda bad, wasn't it?

The combination of his own memories with someone else's explained the confusion.

The combination of experiencing terrible memories you couldn't always tell weren't yours and the terrible memories that are, in fact, yours might explain the rest of it.

"Cucumber-bro, have you considered that you might be… a little traumatized?"

"Huh?"

"Look, I'm no psychiatrist, but like, I have a basic understanding of how fucked up this plot line is," Shang Qinghua explained. "I mean, just experiencing Shen Jiu's backstory… Like, I wrote that to be fucked up. It was supposed to explain how he turned out to be so terrible, you know? And like… yeah, everything that's happened would be entertaining as a story, but living it… Haven't you died, like, at least three times or something? Plus, you had to shove Luo Binghe into the Abyss when you didn't want to, and you spent a couple years thinking he was gonna kill you, and like… You get what I'm saying here, right? Everything that's happened has been pretty fucked up, and you had to live through it. So maybe… maybe it's not just a matter of being used to your new body or not?"

"But I've been fine up to now! Or… I don't know, mostly fine…"

Yeah, Cucumber-bro had definitely not been 'completely fine' up to this point, but he wasn't gonna argue about it.

"Okay, and pretty much all the plot things are done with now, and you two just go around doing what you want now. So like, hasn't this all started ever since you haven't actively been in traumatizing scenarios?"

Shen Qingqiu just stared at him for a long moment before burying his face in his hands and letting out a groan.

"Fuuuuuuuuuuuck."

"Well, I mean, I'm just saying."

"Fuck you and fuck your stupid book."

"First of all, rude, and second- again, it's not just a book anymore. Not to us. That's the problem!" Shang Qinghua told him. "Things aren't gonna just not be traumatizing because this world's based off of a book."

"Dumbfuck author, dumbfuck novel…"

"Hey!"

XXX