Lisa
Her mouth was on my penis.
We were sitting on the couch after lunch and all I could do was stare at Jennie's mouth over top of Gabi's head.
This is wrong on so many levels.
But Jesus fuck, those red, plump lips were wrapped around my penis and I kicked her away. Sure, it was unconsciously but still... I punted her like a football off of my dick. That was like rule number one in sex. Never kick a girl away from your dick if she's got her mouth there. If her teeth were clamped down on it and she's whipping it around like a chew toy, that's another story.
I let out a big sigh and turned my attention back to the movie.
"What is this one called again?" I asked.
Gabi was curled up into my side with his feet on Jennie's lap.
"Finding Nemo," Gabi mumbled.
We watched the movie in silence for a few minutes and I felt like a kid again as I enjoyed the happenings on the screen. It had been a long while since I watched a cartoon.
"Holy shit, did they just kill off that fish's wife?" I blurted in shock.
"Yep," Gabi replied. "That big, mean fish ated her."
He said it so calmly - like it was no big deal that a sweet, loving cartoon fish just got murdered. What the fuck was wrong with this movie? This couldn't be appropriate for kids. I didn't think it was appropriate for me.
"Are you sure this is a kid's movie?" I asked Jennie.
She laughed and just shook her head at me.
An hour later Gabi was asleep with his head on my lap and Jennie was leaning in the opposite direction from me, her elbow on the arm of the couch and her head in her hand.
If I had to listen to Nemo calling for "Daddy" one more time, I was going to blubber like a baby. I snatched up the remote and turned the movie off.
Jennie lifted her head off of her hand and gave me a questioning look.
"We need to put another movie in. This is too depressing. They killed off the poor fish's wife in the first five minutes and then we have to spend the rest of the movie watching that same, poor sap search for his son who ran away. What kind of sick fucks made this into a kid's movie?" I whispered angrily, trying not to wake up.
"Welcome to the Disney/Pixar School of Hard Knocks," she said dryly.
I laughed at her comparison.
"Oh come on. There's no way they're all like this. I do not remember being horrified by a children's movie when I was little."
"That's because you were a child. You didn't understand what was happening at the time, just like doesn't really understand. I think they make these kids movies more for adults anyway," she explained.
I shook my head in disbelief.
"Sorry, but I remember all of the great Disney classics and there is no way you can find anything nightmare-inducing in any of them."
She raised her eyebrow at me in a challenge.
"Okay fine. Bambi," I said.
She just laughed.
"Oh please! That's the easiest one. Bambi's dad headed for the hills as soon as the stick turned pink. His mom was a single deer, living in low-rent housing in the crack-whore part of the forest where there are gangs of bunnies. His mom gets killed in a drive-by shooting, leaving Bambi alone and forced to grow up much too soon."
Damn. I forgot about that. It had been a while since I watched Bambi.
"Okay, fine. How about the Little Mermaid? Beautiful sea creature falls in love with the handsome prince."
Shut up. I had little cousins. And Ariel was hot. Men could spend hours looking at a hot mermaid and wonder just how in the hell he could stick it in her.
But seriously, how do mermaids bang?
Jennie nodded her head, "Oh yes. Sweet Ariel who has to give up everything, including her identity, for a man. God forbid Prince Eric grows some gills. Nope, Ariel has to give up her friends, her family, her home and her entire life for him. Eric just takes and takes and never gives."
I racked my brain trying to think of another classic kid's movie and continued to contemplate the process of fucking a mermaid. Maybe you could just bend a mermaid over a chair and your dick magically finds the hold in the one-legged fin thing.
"Fine, then how about Beauty and the Beast? The most beautiful girl in all the land falls for the beast's personality instead of his looks. You can't find anything wrong with that. Plus, it teaches a great lesson."
I gave her a smug grin.
Maybe there was a magic button that made a mermaid's legs separate long enough to bang her. Ooooooh, like a magic nipple! Push the nipple and watch her spread.
"Wrong," she replied. "A pretty girl with no money falls for a rich, abusive monster. But she loves him so much that she makes excuses for the abuse. 'Oh that bruise? I tripped down a flight of stairs.'"
She angled her body to face me.
"I could go on all day with these, believe me," she said. "You also can't forget the awesomeness that is the penis drawn on the original Little Mermaid VHS box cover and the whisper of, "Kids, take off your clothes," in Aladdin."
I looked at her in horror.
And I'm not gonna lie, I glanced down to her boobs and wondered what it would be like if she had a magic nipple. That would be some Nobel Peace Prize shit right there.
"From now on, Gabi only watches wholesome movies like "Anchorman" and "The Seed of Chucky," I told her. "And you're dressing up as Ariel for Halloween this year."
Jennie just rolled her eyes at me, reached over to scoop Gabi off of my lap and then disappeared down the hall. A few minutes later, she was back and I watched her walk across the room to me. She straddled my lap and my hands went right to her hips to hold her in place while she slid her hands around my neck and tangled them in my hair.
"He should be out for a little while. Wanna mess around?" she asked with a giggle.
"Can I touch your boobs?" I asked hopefully.
It wasn't like I'd tell her no if she wouldn't let me play with the twins, but it was always good to set the ground rules ahead of time so there weren't any awkward foul plays.
She laughed and kissed the corner of my mouth.
"Yes, there will most definitely be boob touching," she said against my lips. "I'm not wearing a bra."
Easier access to the magic nipple.
"Sweet!" I cheered.
I swallowed her laugh with a kiss, taking my time while I explored every inch of her mouth. I had been in a state of semi-hardness since she walked in the room. Listening to her soft moans while I kissed her was enough to send me right into boner territory. My hands rubbed her ass and pulled her down so she nestled right onto my hard length that strained through my jeans. She slid her hips back and forth over me and I ran my hands up under the back of her shirt so I could feel here bare skin. My finger tips skimmed her spine all the way up and then back down, slowly, until I felt goose bumps break out over her skin.
Our tongues swirled together while I wrapped both of my arms around her body, underneath her shirt, so I could pull her right up against my chest. Her hips continued to move against me, and I felt like a teenager again, dry-humping on my parent's couch in the basement.
Except this time, Abby Miller's braces wouldn't get stuck in my hair when she tried unsuccessfully to lick my ear lobe. And by lick, I meant drooled a gallon of spit in there until it sounded like I was swimming under water.
I slid my hands around to Jennie's sides and up the front of her body. My palms moved in circles around her breasts, and I felt her nipples harden beneath my hands. She pushed herself down harder on my dick and it made us both let out a gasp. Fuck, I wanted to be inside of her but it wasn't something we could do out here on the couch with a four-year-old down the hall.
Her hands retracted from the hair on the back of my head and she pushed them up under her shirt until they rested on top of my own. She squeezed my hands and helped me put more pressure on the soft flesh that I would give my left nut to put my mouth on right now.
Okay, maybe not my left nut.
Or the right one for that matter.
Shit, forget the nuts. I just really, really wanted to lick her boobs.
The kiss deepened as we worked together, cupping and stroking her breasts. Her thighs squeezed my hips tightly and she whimpered into my mouth as she ground herself harder against me. Making Jennie have an orgasm every single day was my new mission in life. The sounds she made and the way she moved against me were heaven, but I needed to touch her. I needed to feel how much she wanted this.
Just as I had that thought, she pushed my hand off of one breast and down the front of her body until both of our hands slid under the waistband of her yoga pants.
"Fuck, you're not wearing any underwear either," I muttered as she pushed my hand through her soft curls and my fingers easily slid through her wetness. She couldn't do much more than moan softly as I coated my fingers with her. Jennie's hand stayed on top of mine and showed me when to increase the pressure or slow down the speed. It was the hottest fucking thing ever to have my fingers sliding through her heat while her small, soft hand guided my way.
With her other arm wrapped tightly around my neck, she flung her head back so her neck was exposed. I easily slid two fingers inside of her and kissed my way down her neck while my thumb moved in quick circles around her most sensitive spot. Her hips bucked against my hand while I started moving my two fingers quickly in and out of her. I held my thumb in place so that the motions of her hips made her slide back and forth over the pad of my thumb and she could set the pace for her release.
I grabbed the back of her head and pulled her down for a searing kiss. As soon as our lips and tongues collided she exploded. Her moans and whimpers were muffled by my mouth which was a pretty good thing. I had a feeling she would be screaming if our mouths weren't fused together.
She rode my fingers while I kept them inside of her tight heat until every last drop of her orgasm surged through her. She pulled away from my mouth and collapsed against my chest with her face nestled in the crook of my neck.
My fingers stayed deep inside her while she caught her breath, and I felt every single pulse of her. Jennie lifted her head and spoke with a dreamy look on her face.
"Give me two seconds to recover and I will suck you like..."
"Ga ga ah-ah-ahhhh, rama llama llama, want your bad bromance."
The sound of singing at the end of the hall froze us in place. He was headed this way and we both turned to stone.
Jennie stared at me with wide eyes and I couldn't move my fingers from her vagina.
Why the fuck couldn't I move my fingers from her vagina?!
I wanted them there twenty-four hours a day under normal circumstances, but I started to see the error of my ways. There are some situations that do not condone having your fingers in a vagina. Like when you're getting an oil change, having your teeth cleaned, or when your four-year-old is in the room.
"Whatcha doin'?"
The only saving grace was the fact that the couch faced away from the hallway. Right now all he could see was the back of my head and Jennie's mortified face.
"Um, Dada needed a hug," Jennie replied.
"Ooooh I wanna give Dada a hug!"
"NO!" we both screamed.
Jennie looked down at her lap and then back up to my face with a look of panic.
I just shrugged. I refused to move my fingers now. What if Gabi wanted to shake my hand? I know that's not a very four-year-old thing to do but Jesus H. Christ! He would need therapy for years after that.
I tipped my head back as far as it would go, so I could see an upside-down standing there absently kicking his toe into the carpet.
"Hey, buddy, can you do me a favor? In my room on my dresser is a whole bunch of money. Can you carry it into your room and put it into your new piggy bank?" I suggested.
His eyes got big and he started bouncing on his feet.
"Yes! I LOVE money!"
With that, he turned and ran down the hall. We could hear the jingle of change as he scooped it off my dresser and took it to his room.
We finally relaxed when we realized it would keep him busy long enough for us to get our act together, or at least for me to get my fingers out of Jennie's vagina.
She slid off my lap and collapsed next to me on the couch while we listened to the clunk of coins being dropped into the ceramic pig and another verse of "Bad Bromance".
"I really need to teach him some better music. Like Zeppelin or The Beatles," I said as I shifted the problem in my pants to a more comfortable position.
"Actually, I was thinking about recording our own Kidz Bop album. Except I'd called it Kidz Bop - The Forbidden Songs," she said with a smile.
"That's a stellar idea. That kid has been loafing off of you long enough. It's time he gets a job."
She nodded with a serious face.
"This is true. He's already got "SM" down pat. Maybe we could throw in a little "Golddigger" from Kanye."
"I think he might sell more if he did some rap," I said. "'Bitches Ain't Shit' or 'Ninety-Nine Problems.' We just need to teach him a little more attitude."
While we laughed, Gabi ran back to the living room.
"You got eleventy-seven nickels, Dada-O. Go buy me some beef turkey for lunch, dicky."
I guess we could skip the attitude lessons.
--
Jennie
As the next couple of days went by, all I could do was thank God for Lisa. She helped me with everything she could and took off my hands every single night when she got home from work. Well, almost every night. She took a night off when Doyeon offered to keep Gabi overnight so we could finally have some alone time without the fear of another dick kick. I swore Doyeon to secrecy with that story but I'm pretty sure Lisa knew the jig was up when she started asking her random questions like "Hey Lisa, have you seen that new movie "Donkey Punch" yet?" or "Jennie and I were thinking about taking a kick-boxing class, what do you think Lisa?"
I was happy to find out that the sex between us was just as awesome when we were alone and didn't have to fear that a child would walk in on us at any moment. I earned five gold stars that night in "Blow Jobs 101" and did not get kicked out of class. Or in the face.
I drastically cut my hours back at the bar, so I had more time to get everything ready for the store opening. Basically, right now, I worked when I could. If I had a few hours of free time, I gave them a call to see if they could use me. Even though it wasn't my dream job and I never planned on being there forever, it was still bittersweet not spending every night there. The Fosters had been good to me, giving me a job, no questions asked, when I showed up five years ago as a college drop-out and pregnant.
I cried like a baby when I called up there last night and T.J. told me they didn't need me. That bar was my home away from home and held so many memories. My water broke in the storage room when I was grabbing a bottle of vodka. Gabi took his first steps over by the door when my dad brought him by for lunch one afternoon. But most importantly, it was where I found Lisa again.
The bar was right down the street from the store, and I knew I'd still spend a lot of time in there; it was just strange not to be there every day. I'd be lying if I said a big part of my sadness wasn't also due to the absence of P.O.R.N in my life. However, T.J. came through with flying colors while I stocked the front cooler of my store with chocolate last night. I heard the door chime behind me and figured it was Lisa stopping by with Gabi. As soon as I turned around I was hit right in the face with three ping-pong balls. T.J. screamed something about how I'd never had that many balls smack me in the face while I was sober and then turned and ran out the door.
I spent the rest of the evening drafting up a couple of new rules for P.O.R.N, one of which included a penalty shot if multiple balls were handled without prior approval. A cup would be placed on a table, a ball would be thrown and if it made it into the cup, you were in the clear. However, if the ball failed to land in said cup, the thrower of the ball had to take a direct shot to the face. I called this the "Cupping of the Balls" rule.
Sehun stopped by to help lift a few heavy boxes for me and found a copy of the rules by the register. Three hours later he came back with shirts for everyone that said "I Love P.O.R.N." and made himself an honorary team captain.
Before I even had a chance to be worried about how I would pay my bills until the store started making money, Lisa sat me down the night after and I first spent the night and told me she was going to take over paying for everything until I was up and running. It was the night of our first fight. I had been on my own and provided for and I all this time. There was no way I wanted to take Lisa's hand-out. My stubborn ass refused to see it from her point of view, hence the big fight. She had missed out on so much, and she felt guilty about that every single day, even though it wasn't her fault. Being able to pay my phone bill and buy Gabi's new shoes and pay for his doctor's appointments made Lisa feel like she was finally a full part of our lives and not just some guy with the title of "Dada." As independent as I was and as much as I hated the idea of someone paying my way, I couldn't deny her this if it was what she really wanted and it would make her happy. I ended my temper tantrum, agreed to what Lisa was asking and then we had hot as hell make-up "phone calls" locked in the laundry room while Gabi watched a movie in the living room.
So, with Lisa's help and my decreased hours at the bar, I was able to get almost everything done a few days before the opening. The only thing left to do this far ahead of time was fold all of the brochures Minnie made for me. Lisa took Gabi for the night so I could have some down time with the girls and they could help me with the folding.
Jim and Sehun were going to keep Lisa company since I would have their women all evening. I had to put my foot down though with Sehun. I told him I would buy a tennis racket and go John McEnroe on his ass if my son came home with any new, colorful words.
Doyeon, Minnie and I were sitting on the floor of my living room surrounded by thousands of folded and unfolded brochures and four empty bottles of wine.
Wait, make that five. I emptied the fifth bottle into Doyeon's glass after she jumped up and ran to the bathroom holding her hands between her legs like a toddler because she had to pee so badly.
I got up and walked to the kitchen to grab another bottle of wine. As I passed by the bathroom, I found the door wide open.
"Doyeon, are you peeing with the door open?"
She looked up at me with crazy, drunk eyes while she swayed back and forth on the toilet and peed.
"Yes. Does it bother you?"
"Only if you fall off the toilet and piss on my floor," I told her as I walked away.
"Fair enough, hairy muff!" she yelled to me.
After I popped the cork on another bottle of wine and refilled everyone's glasses, Doyeon came back into the living room, shoved the brochures out of the way and lay down on her belly with her chin in her hands.
"Okay, skank whores. Time for a little Truth or Dare," she slurred. "Minnie, what nickname have you given your vagina?"
Minnie blushed and bit her lip, looking down in her lap. After several long minutes of Doyeon and I goading her, she finally mumbled something that sounded like, "Water."
"Repeat that, please. I don't have dog hearing," I told her.
"You do have a vagina that smells like a dog though," Doyeon laughed.
"Fuck you, anal warts."
"I call my vagina, Waterford," Minnie said, interrupting the banter between Doyeon and me.
We turned to her with equal looks of confusion on our faces.
"Explain," Doyeon said as she took a sip of wine.
Minnie shrugged. "You know, Waterford is like, good dishes and stuff. So, I only let the best eat off of my Waterford."
Doyeon snorted. "Why don't you just call it China then?"
Minnie thought about this for a minute.
"But, I've never been to China," she replied with a puzzled look on her face.
"Okay, next!" I announced. "Doyeon, same question. Name that beaver!"
Why is this room tilty?
Doyeon took another big gulp of her wine.
"Vajingo. As in "maybe the vajingo ate your penis," she said in an Australian accent.
The radio that played from the kitchen finally stopped the sequence of commercials and switched to music.
"I love this song. It really envelopes me," Minnie said dreamily.
"Does it put a stamp on you too?" Doyeon laughed.
"Yeah, a tramp stamp!" I yelled.
Why am I yelling?
"I don't have a tattoo," Minnie argued.
"It's Jennie's turn and I'm choosing dare," Doyeon stated.
"Hey, I'm the one that gets to choose," I protested.
"Shut up, whore! I dare you to send Lisa a picture of your tits."
"Wait, what did you say?" Minnie asked. "I can't hear you without my glasses on," she mumbled as she poured more wine into her glass. Doyeon ignored her and scooted across the floor army-style, grabbed my phone that lay in the middle of us and handed it to me. I only hesitated for a second before I snatched it out of her hand and pressed the button for the camera, chugging the rest of my glass of wine for liquid courage.
I lifted my shirt and bra up to my neck, held my arm out in front of me as far as I could and quickly snapped a picture. My shirt and bra were back down and I was scrolling through the contacts in my phone before anyone said anything.
"Holy shit, dude! I just meant a cleavage picture. I didn't need you to whip out the fun bags right in front of us. I have to say though, I'm kind of proud of you right now," Doyeon said in awe.
"Jennie has pretty boobies," Minnie muttered while she looked down the front of her shirt.
I attached the boob shot to a blank text message and typed the words, "We miss you," then hit send.
That was empowering! I felt all sorts of Joan of Arc-like now. But maybe more "The Legend of Billie Jean" movie version of her. Burning at the stake doesn't sound like fun. But I could totally rock a short hair cut and get people to chant "fair is fair" as they follow me and my outlaw friends across state lines. I turned my phone towards Doyeon and showed her the text.
"Oh, young grasshopper, it is clear you can be taught," Doyeon said as she wiped a fake tear out of her eye.
"I don't feel very lurid right now," Minnie slurred as she flopped onto her back and stared at the ceiling.
"Lucid! It's lucid, Minnie. For fuck's sake, someone get this bitch an Encyclopedia Britannica," Doyeon yelled from her spot on the floor.
"FAIR IS FAIR!" I yelled as I fist pumped.
I started folding some more of the flyers while Doyeon crawled over to Minnie and tried to lead her in a Hooked on Phonics boot camp. While Doyeon made her do push-ups and repeat words back to her, I got up and went to the kitchen to cut up some cheese and grab a plate of crackers.
In hindsight, wielding a cheese grater when my blood type was currently Merlot positive wasn't the best idea.
--
Lisa
"Kick him in the nut sack!"
I sat down on the couch and rolled my eyes as the UFC fight we watched started a new round.
"Okay, seriously. Enough with the nut kicking talk," I scolded.
Sehun looked at me and pouted, "Oh come on, your kid isn't even awake."
I looked behind me where Gabi had fallen asleep on the couch. His little body was draped over the arm of the couch, his head and arms dangling down towards the floor, his knees pushed into the cushions. How in the hell does he fall asleep like that?
"I'm just trying to save you from the wrath of Jennie. Really, it's for your own safety," I told him as I looked at his shirt that showed a couple walking in the sand with the words, "I enjoy long walks on the beach…after anal."
"I'll put my nuts on all of you," Gabi's muffled voice said from his hanging position off the end.
I looked at Sehun pointedly.
"Hey, Lisa," Jim said as he walked back in from the kitchen. "Why is Jennie sending me a picture of her tits with the words, "Me fish Lou," in it?"
"What?" Sehun and I both asked in unison.
Jim held his cell phone out to me as I leaned forward to see it.
"Seriously? Jennie's tits are on that phone?" Sehun yelled as he jumped up from the couch and tried to grab the phone before I got to it.
I panicked, flew off the recliner in the corner and onto Sehun's back, wrapping my arms around his neck.
"What the fuck are you doing? Get off my back you dumbass," Sehun yelled as he twisted and turned, trying to throw me off.
"Don't you even think about looking at that picture, dick licker," I threatened as I tried holding on to his neck with one arm and reached for Jim' phone with the other.
The phone suddenly beeped and Jim pulled it towards him, rolling his eyes at what he saw.
Sehun stopped moving and we both just stood there. Well, Sehun just stood there; I was still hanging from his back like a wet noodle.
"Okay, now Minnie is asking me if I want to eat in China tonight. What the fuck is wrong with your women?"
I dropped off of Sehun's back and Jim handed me his phone. I scrolled to the text from Jennie and my jaw dropped.
Yep, those were her tits. Sweet Jesus. I forwarded the text to my phone, you know, so I could ask her about it later...and stuff.
The phone rang in my hands and caller I.D. said it was Doyeon.
"Go ahead and answer it. You can ask her why Jennie is sending me nudey pictures," Jim said with a laugh.
I hit "send" and put the phone to my ear, quickly pulling it away when I heard muffled screams through the receiver.
"Jesus Christ, who's screaming?" Sehun asked with a cringe.
I shook my head and shrugged my shoulders, attempting to put the phone back to my ear.
"I swear to fucking God if you puke in this cab I will punch you in the neck! Stop being a pussy!"
"Hey!" I yelled, trying to be heard over the screams. "HELLO!"
The screams continued and the three of us moved into the kitchen so we wouldn't wake Gabi.
"You're a mother for Christ's sakes! It's just a little blood. Will you stop screaming?"
"DOYEON! HELLO!" I yelled again, once we got to the kitchen.
Sehun was laughing but I knew those screams. And hearing Doyeon mention the word "blood" freaked me out a little. Was Jennie bleeding?
"Sehun, call Minnie," I said quickly.
A few seconds later I heard ringing through my end of the phone call and the sound of Minnie's voice over Jennie's screams and Doyeon's yelling. I hung up since I wasn't getting anywhere and turned to face Sehun.
"Awww, I love you too, Snuggie!"
I punched Sehun in the shoulder and indicated that he should get to the point by giving him the finger.
"Hey, baby, what's going on? Why is Jennie screaming?" he asked, pulling the phone back and hitting the speaker button.
The screaming and arguing burst into the room and we all winced.
"Jennie's got nice boobies," Minnie said.
I rolled my eyes.
"Baby, focus. What is going on? Where are you?" Sehun asked her.
"I'm dying! Oh my God, I'm going to bleed to death in a cab that smells like pee and curry!"
Why the fuck is Jennie bleeding in a cab?
"Jennie had an assident. Axiscent. She's got a boo boo," Minnie slurred.
"Alright ladies, Butler General Hospital. No, don't pay me; just get the hell out of my cab."
Sehun and Jim stayed at my house with Gabi and I raced to the hospital.
What if Jennie had a freak garbage disposal incident and lost a hand? Or a really heavy meat cleaver fell on her leg and they needed to amputate? My house was not wheelchair accessible. Fuck! Could you buy wheelchair ramps at Walmart?
By the time I made it to the emergency room, I sorely regretted leaving Jim and Sehun back at the house. I was stuck in a room with three drunken women. One of whom was sobbing hysterically about orphaning our son while the other two knocked shit over and yelled random things to people who walked by.
"Excuse me sir, do you know where we can get an x-ray of the stapler stuck in her vagina?" Doyeon asked an orderly that walked by as she pointed her thumb at Jennie.
I gave the guy an apologetic look before focusing my attention on Jennie.
"Baby, it's fine. It's just a little cut on your finger. Two stitches really aren't that big of a deal," I told her as I held her in my arms and rubbed her back.
I snapped my fingers at Minnie and Doyeon who were now in the corner of the room trying to get rubber gloves on their heads. They gave me innocent looks, smacked each other and kept giggling.
"Not a big deal? Not a big deal?" she said loudly. "They asked me if I had a living will. I almost DIED tonight!"
I chuckled, but quickly masked it when she shot me a dirty look.
"Jennie, that's normal. They ask everyone that," I reassured her.
"I concur, do you concur?" Doyeon asked.
"Not helping," I growled.
"Not caring," she replied before turning back to the supply cabinet in the room.
"What if I died? My baby would be alone," she sobbed.
"Um, hello? The other parent, standing right here," I reminded her.
"Fine. But what if something happens to both of us? They could ship him off to my Aunt Gertie the hoarder who talks to her curtains and eats soap," she whined.
I grabbed her face in my hands and wiped away the tears, giving her a soft kiss on the lips.
"Okay, if there's a natural disaster tomorrow and neither one of us is here, I'm sure your dad wouldn't mind stepping in. Why are you so worried about this right now?"
"They asked me if in the event of an emergency, someone could administer Last Rites to me. They thought I was going to die tonight, Lisa. This is serious!" she cried. "What if my dad has a heart attack tomorrow or an asteroid lands on him when he's walking to his car after work?"
No more Sci-Fi channel before bed for Jennie.
"I swear to you that they ask everyone about Last Rites. But would it make you feel better if we get something in writing so you don't have to worry about this? We can make a list of people that is ten pages long if it will make you feel better."
She nodded happily and threw her arms around my neck.
"Thank you so much, baby. I love you more than a hooker loves free VD testing day at the clinic," she told me drunkenly.
I rubbed her back and shot dirty looks to Doyeon and Minnie when I saw that they'd taken over the dry-erase board with important hospital phone numbers that hung on the wall. Instead of "Order Meals" it now said "Order Hookers", and instead of "For a Chapel Visit, ask a nurse" it now said "For a Happy Ending, ask a nurse."
The doctor walked in then with Jennie's discharge papers and a prescription for an antibiotic. He explained everything to us and turned to leave the room.
"Doctor, wait! This patient needs an enema STAT!" Doyeon yelled while Minnie waved a rubber tube over her head like a lasso.
I think we could safely say that some people will already be crossed off of the guardian list.