Jennie
Surprisingly the airing of our dirty laundry, or should I say dirty kitchen and mouths, didn't deter anyone from stopping by the grand opening of Seduction and Snacks today. But if one more person asks me if Mr. Hunt is available, I'm going to punch them in the kidney.
Lisa, Gabi, Doyeon, Jim and I all arrived at the shop a few hours before we opened to finish last-minute details and set everything up. Thankfully, today's opening didn't require the chocolate boobs and penises. Sehun ate all the ones that weren't stuck to my ass last night. Come to think of it, he may have eaten those as well. I remembered him saying something about a "Five Second Ass Rule", not to be confused with the original "Five Second Rule" for when you drop food on the floor. I tuned him out when he told Lisa, "Her ass better be so clean you can see your face in it!"
Much to our shock, there was a line of people on the sidewalk waiting for us to open.
Was this really my life right now? How did I get to this point? A few months ago I was a single mother with no social life or romantic prospects anywhere in my future, and I was stuck at a dead-end job at a bar. Now, I was opening a business, doing what I loved every single day, and found the love of my life who was the best dada in the world to our son.
Oh, and my vagina was getting regular work-outs on an almost-daily basis. Couldn't forget that tidbit since it was probably the most important. I thought if my vagina had to wait any longer for some action, she would have just got up and walked out of my underwear to find another pair of legs to sit between. I would have turned into a fake woman. If you spread my legs, I'd look like Barbie with her plastic who-ha that had no hole. At least Ken wasn't missing out on sticking it to her. Poor guy just had a pair of tighty-whities with no bulge. That's probably why when I was younger I always made them dry hump. There wasn't much else they could do, really.
The store had been open for two hours and it had yet to be empty. Doyeon and I kept the adjoining door to our places open so people could file back and forth. I was a little leery about how the good people of Butler would take to having a sex toy shop downtown, but I was pleasantly surprised to find out how many dirty people lived here. Doyeon was going to resurrect the sex lives of everyone in this town one dildo at a time.
She kept the front of her store to the bare minimum, mostly lingerie, lubes, massage lotions, candles and other things that were PG rated and wouldn't freak anyone out that walked by. She kept catalogs on the counter with pictures of all the other items that were located in the back of the store. You could simply point to what you wanted and she'd go in the back and get it for you, wrapping it in a small black bag so no one would know what you got.
My dad took in Doyeon's side of the store with as much enthusiasm as I expected him to. He walked through the adjoining doors and stopped dead in his tracks in the middle of a rack of garters and corsets. He took a look around and proclaimed joyously, "Humph," then walked back over to my side.
Gabi was the life of the store, naturally. He walked around handing out samples with the motto, "One for you, six for me." He was so hopped up on sugar by twelve o'clock, I was going to have to scrape him off of the ceiling by the end of the day.
I stood at the cash register ringing up a customer's cookie order when I noticed Lisa talking to a guy by the front window. He was holding a small boy in his arms and Lisa was laughing at something the guy said. He had his back to me so I had no idea who it was but something about him was familiar. I thanked the customer, gave her a flyer and headed over to Lisa.
Lisa noticed me walking towards her and smiled.
"There's my girl," she said as she lifted her arm so I could ease into her side.
The guy turned at Lisa's words and when we saw each other, I wasn't sure who had the more shocked expression on their face.
"Oh my God, Max?"
"Jennie?" he answered, equally surprised.
Lisa looked between the two of us, obviously puzzled.
"Wait, you two know each other?" she asked.
"Um, yes. But more importantly, how do you know him?" I asked.
This was so awkward right now I kind of wished a meteor would crash out in the street. I needed total chaos right now to distract everyone from this insane situation.
"I met Max at the library when I took Gabi that one afternoon so you could work, remember? He gave me some tips on the joys of fatherhood," Lisa laughed.
Max hadn't taken his eyes off me during the exchange and I laughed nervously. I didn't see this ending well. At all.
"So, anyway, how do you two know each other?" Lisa asked again.
I looked at her and tried to convey with my eyes that this was about to get really weird really fast. Lisa didn't get the hint and just stared at me expectantly.
"Hello, earth to Jennie," Lisa said with a laugh. "What's wrong with your face?"
I sighed, figuring I might as well get this over with.
"Lisa, this is Max," I said, with a raise of my eyebrows, hoping she would get it.
She just laughed and shook her head.
"Yeah. We've already established that. Are you okay?" she asked as she leaned towards me.
"Lisa. This. Is. MAX," I said again, punctuating Max's name with a big, fake smile.
Lisa looked at me like I was insane for all of three point two more seconds when the light bulb finally went off in her brain. Really, how many fucking Max's did she know? It wasn't like the guy's name was John or Mike and she might have just assumed it was someone else. His name was Max for fuck's sake. As soon as she met him, shouldn't a red flag have gone off in her head?
It was certainly going off now. Lisa's head jerked back and forth between Max and me so quickly it almost looked like she was shaking her head no. Maybe she was. Her brain might just be on overload right now and it was screaming, "Nooooooooooo! Does not compute!"
"You're Max?" she asked.
Max just nodded, finally looking away from me and at his son squirming in his arms.
"You're Max," she stated.
I laughed uncomfortably. "I think we've covered that already, hon," I said through a smile and clenched teeth.
Let the insanity commence.
Lisa started chuckling.
I closed my eyes, not wanting to witness what surely was going to follow. Why had I ever though it was necessary to share every detail of this story? Why?
"Two pumps!" Lisa said excitedly, followed by more laughing.
Max just stood there with a befuddled look on his face.
Then Lisa raised her arm and pointed at him, still laughing, I might add.
"You're the chump!"
"Oh Jesus," I muttered.
"What?" Max asked.
Lisa was smiling like nut job.
"Nothing," I told Max. "Don't mind her."
"Where's her underwear?" Lisa asked, suddenly serious.
Max's son started kicking his little legs around in an attempt to get down. He hefted him up higher in his arms and gave me a smile.
"Well, I better get going. It was good seeing you again, Jennie. Good luck with the store," he said as he moved to the door and used his back to push it open.
"Could you say that TWO more times," Lisa laughed.
I smacked her arm as Max lifted his hand in a wave.
Lisa waved good-bye to him, shaking her hand in the air frantically like she was a little kid watching a parade.
"Come back again!" Lisa shouted as Max got out the door and onto the sidewalk. "Jennie likes it when people stay more than TWO seconds."
Max finally disappeared out of sight and Lisa turned to face me, a lingering smile still on her face.
"What?" she asked when she saw the look on mine.
"When you're ready to start acting like an adult, let me know," I told her.
"Adults are the little ones, right?" she shouted to me as I walked away.
I shook my head as I made my way to the counter. Just then my dad walked back over from Doyeon's side with a black bag clutched firmly in his hand.
Oh sweet Jesus, my brain couldn't handle anymore crazy today. .
We stopped in front of each other and he tried to hide the bag behind his back.
"Dad, did you just buy something from Doyeon's store?" I asked bewilderingly.
What in the fuck of fuckery would he need from over there? WHAT? Oh God, where's Jim? I need his eye bleach.
"Well, I've got a date tonight," he stated matter-of-factly.
"So take her some chocolates! Or a box of cookies. I'm pretty sure what's in that store isn't first-date material," I said in a panic.
There could be flavored lube in that bag right now. Or a cock ring. Or a strap on. Oh sweet mother fucking Jesus, what if's been so long since my dad has been with a woman that he bat for the other team now? Nothing against gay men. I love gay men. I had a gay friend in college that I wish I still kept in contact with. He liked to show me the awesome gaydar he possessed by pointing out every gay man within a two mile radius. What would he say if he was here right now? "Oh, Jennie, that man is gayer than Richard Simmons sweatin' to the oldies on a rainbow."
When I took Gabi to the library last week there was a book called "Daddy's Roommate" in the children's section. Should I go back and get that book? Maybe I should buy a copy for future reference. There was also a book called "I Wish Daddy Didn't Drink So Much" and "It Hurts When I Poop."
What the fuck has happened to children's literature since I was little?
I knew no matter what, I would love my father. That was a fact. To quote my favorite movie, "I love my dead, gay son!"
Well, I love my dead, gay father. Er, I mean my gay father.
I need a drink.
"Never fear, Mr. Hunt is here!" Sehun proclaimed as he walked through the door holding Minnie's hand. My dad raised his eyebrow at Sehun's shirt that read, "Jam out with your clam out."
"Hey there, Mr. K, how's it hanging?" he asked as he walked over and shook my dad's hand.
It's hanging a little to the left of Perez Hilton Avenue.
"Oooooh, look at you already sampling the merchandise," Sehun said, patting my dad on the back in a congratulatory way as he smiled at the black bag still tightly clutched in his hands.
"Jennie, the store looks great!" Minnie told me as she gave me a quick hug.
"Thanks, my dad has a roommate," I blurted.
All three of them looked at me in silence.
"Mommy, can I have another cookie?" Gabi asked, running up to me and slamming into my leg.
"No, no more cookies. You already had a chocolate chip cookie. Obviously it wasn't enough for you and now you want to try a different one. I bet you want to try a peanut butter cookie which is the exact opposite. Peanut butter cookies are on a different team than chocolate chip cookies. I guess chocolate chip cookies just don't satisfy you anymore do they? One day you just woke up and decided you wanted to eat a completely different cookie from the one you've always liked since you were born. You can't just decide at your age that you want a different cookie. It doesn't work that way. You pick a cookie and you stick with it!"
Gabi looked up at me in confusion. His poor four-year-old brain was probably going to explode.
"Fine, can I have a chocolate sucker then?" he asked innocently.
I was well aware that no one was moving and they were all standing there looking at me like I was having a nervous breakdown. Maybe I was. I had a gay father; I was allowed to freak out.
"Hey, Mom, guess what? Last night Papa was kissing somebody," Gabi said with a smile.
Oh God, here it comes. Who was it? Bill from the hardware store? Tom from the corner coffee shop? Who would be my new step-father-in-law-uncle-friend?
"Gabi, that was supposed to be a secret," my dad laughed uncomfortably.
Ha, ha, what a funny story. My dad and Gabi had a secret. Isn't that cute? Isn't that fucking cute? I like how my son isn't at all fazed to see two men kissing. It shows great promise for the future of this country. However, I don't like that he isn't at all fazed that he saw his grandpa sucking face with a dude!
"Oh, ha, ha, a secret!" I laughed hysterically. "I guess the cat is out of the bag huh, Dad? Or should I say, out of the closet? Whew, is it hot in here?" I rambled, fanning my face with my hand.
Lisa walked over then, leaving her station at the front door greeting customers. She must have seen my crazy eyes from across the store and knew I was seriously freaking out. Worse than that one time I ate a pot cookie in high school and then watched The Wizard of Oz while listening to Pink Floyd's "The Wall", when everyone knows you're supposed to listen to "The Dark Side of the Moon" and started crying because Toto was looking at me funny and when she barked it came out as, "Hey you, standing in the aisles with itchy feet and fading smiles, can you hear me?" and I could totally hear her and my feet started to itch. I cried for three hours telling everyone the cookie was evil and would kill me in my sleep.
Don't do drugs.
"Jennie, you okay?" Lisa asked, picking Gabi up into her arms to stand next to me.
"I'm super! I've never been better! This is the best day of my whole life!" I said with a big smile. "We should all go out back and smoke some pot."
What the hell was I spewing out of my mouth?
"George, you forgot your receipt," Doyeon said as she walked over from her side with a slip of paper in her hand.
"Sue is going to love that nightgown, I'm telling you. The silk is so soft and that peach color is going to look awesome with her skin tone," Doyeon said, coming up next to my dad and handing him the receipt.
Wait, what? Sue? There was a guy named Sue in Butler? Shouldn't I know this?
My dad actually blushed and quickly glanced at me.
"Uh, yeah. Thanks, Doyeon. I'm sure she'll love it."
She! Sue's a she. She's a Sue-she.
"She's a she!" I proclaimed.
Lisa's arm that wasn't supporting Gabi wrapped around my waist to hold me up. I was sure she figured any minute now I was going to crack up permanently, probably even fall face-first onto the floor without putting my hands out to stop me like some of those idiots on Tosh.0.
I could hear Tosh's voice in my head, "Okay, let's watch that one again in slow motion. Now watch as she just falls forward, never putting her arms out and then BAM! Face plant! Wow, that's gotta hurt!"
"I probably should have told you this sooner, Jennie. I'm kinda seeing Sue Zammond. You know, that woman who runs the travel agency over on Short Avenue? So, yeah. I'm seeing her," George said, shuffling his feet.
"Good for you, George," Lisa told him as I gave him a quick hug in congratulations. My dad hadn't dated anyone seriously since my mom left. By the look on his face, I'd say things with Sue just might be heading in that direction and I was happy for him.
Lisa, George and Sehun walked over to the front counter to help out a few customers while the girls and I stood back and watched.
"I am so in love with Sehun," Minnie said with a sigh. "I just can't look at him without thinking about his orgasm face."
"Jesus, Minnie! Over share," Doyeon complained.
"So you guys are really serious, huh?" I asked her, trying not to dry heave thinking about the words Sehun and orgasm face all in one sentence.
She nodded her head and smiled.
"We are! He's taking me to Chicago next week to meet his parents. I'm so excited! I've never been to the Windy Cindy," she said happily.
Doyeon opened her mouth and I quickly covered it with my hand.
"Don't. Just…don't," I told her.
Sehun came up behind Minnie then and wrapped his arms around her waist, leaning down to kiss her cheek.
"Excuse me, I was wondering if you had someplace I could put my boner?"
Minnie giggled and Doyeon gagged.
"So Doyeon, have you and Jim set a wedding date yet?" Sehun asked, keeping his arms firmly around Minnie.
"As a matter of fact we did. So you guys all better keep your calendars wide open for the next couple of months. There will be meetings and discussions and appointments and fittings," she said as she ticked the items off on her fingers. "Oh and Jennie, we want Gabi to be our ring bearer."
I looked at her like she was insane.
"Have you met my son?" I asked her.
She just laughed at me.
Poor, confused Doyeon. She'll find out soon enough. Like when she's standing at the back of the church on the most important day of her life and my son runs down the aisle at full speed in front of her, chucking the pillow at her grandma's head and calling Jim's uncle a dirty nut sack.
"Doyeon, how do you feel about facial hair for the wedding?" Sehun asked seriously as he ran his fingers down his chin.
"Don't even think about having a soul patch at my wedding, Sehun. No douche-tags allowed," she replied.
Doyeon turned her attention in my direction. "Speaking of the future, what's next for Jennie and Lisa?"
What's next? What isn't next is the better question. So much was changing. Jesus, so much already HAD changed.
I watched Lisa walk towards me with Gabi in her arms, tickling him and making him giggle. I took a few deep breaths and calmed down. Everyone I loved was standing here in this room, in my store, happy and healthy. Lisa walked to my side and draped her arm around my waist, reminding me that no matter what came my way, I wouldn't have to face it alone. I had my friends, I had my family and I had Lisa.
Next week I was putting my house on the market. It freaked me out just a little. I became a mother in that house. I learned how to love another human being more than my own life in that house. But it was time to say good-bye and move on to bigger and better things. In a few months we would begin our future together and handle whatever life threw our way. I knew we would have hard times. I knew we would have a lot of adjusting to do as we learned how to live with each other, but I also knew we would do whatever it took to make it work.
I met her at a frat party, beat her at beer pong and let her take my virginity and give me a baby in return. Not a fair trade, but one I wouldn't change for the world.
I turned towards Lisa and wrapped both of my arms around her waist and stood on my tip toes to kiss Gabi's cheek while our friends chatted behind us with my dad.
"Hey Gabi, guess what? Dada and I have something to tell you."
Lisa looked down at me with a surprised look. We agreed to wait until the time was closer to tell Gabi, but I couldn't hold it in anymore. I didn't care if he drove me insane asking if it was time yet. I was happy and excited and I wanted my little man to feel it too.
I waited for Lisa to give me the go-ahead to continue. I mouthed the words "I love you" to her and tried not to cry. This person was everything I had ever dreamed of and more. And she was all mine.
She nodded her head in agreement and her lips formed an "I love you" back to me.
I reached up and smoothed Gabi's hair off of his forehead, letting my fingers trail down his cheeks and over his sweet dimples.
"We're going to sell our house and then you and I are going to live in Dada's house with her," I explained.
Gabi stared at me for a few minutes and then shifted his focus to Lisa.
"Really?" he asked.
Lisa nodded her head, "Really, buddy."
Gabi looked back at me and smiled, opening his mouth to hopefully tell us how happy he was.
"HOLY SHIT!"