Johnny sat behind the wheel of the squad, staring out the windshield. On the back of the engine in front of him was Roy's casket, draped in an American flag.
It still didn't feel real, even as he and the rest of the crew had loaded that casket onto the back of the engine. None of this felt right.
He should still be here.
Johnny absentmindedly reached for the pocket of his shirt, fumbling for the pack of cigarettes and the lighter before pulling back. He had only lit up in the squad once, and the glare that Roy had thrown his way made him never do it again.
And so, he would do the same today.
The rumbling sound of the engine starting snapped Johnny out of his thoughts, and he started up the squad, turning on the lights to match those of the engine. No sirens, just lights as the procession traveled from the funeral home to the church.
He glanced in the rearview mirror at the growing line of vehicles behind the squad. Joanne and the kids were right behind him, he knew, along with her mother and sister. Roy's parents and his older brother were probably behind them. Johnny had spoken to them briefly but didn't know them particularly well. He had babbled out something to them, something that was meant to be comforting, but to his own ears it sounded trite and meaningless.
The passenger side door of the squad opened suddenly, and Chet started to climb inside, followed close behind by Marco.
"What are you doing in here?" Johnny asked. "Figured you two would ride the engine."
Chet looked as if he was going to make one of his trademark smartass remarks before his expression turned more somber. "We weren't going to let you ride alone today."
Johnny was oddly touched by his crew mates' kindness. He swallowed hard and nodded. "Thanks."
Marco leaned forward a little to look past Chet. "We're all in this together. Only way to get through it."
The engine started moving, and Johnny put the squad into gear. "I just wanna get this day over with."
He felt a hand land on his shoulder, rubbing lightly. The squad was silent as they started the journey to the church. As they got closer, the streets were lined with fellow firefighters, a solid sea of blue as far as the eye could see.
"Damn." Chet blurted out softly.
Johnny kept looking straight ahead, keeping just a bit of distance between the squad and the engine, trying not to think about all the times he'd been one of those standing silently as this same procession passed by, usually with Roy at his side.
He had never thought about what it might be like to be on this side of it.
They finally arrived at the church, and Johnny shut off the squad, climbing down and waiting for Chet and Marco before meeting up with Cap and Mike.
Cap met Johnny first, grasping his shoulder. "How are you holding up?"
Johnny glanced over, spotting Joanne and the kids heading toward the church with her mother and sister before turning back to Cap with a nod. "Okay."
"Good." Cap responded firmly. "Now, you've got that eulogy ready?"
Johnny pulled the folded piece of paper from his jacket pocket. "I think so."
Cap took hold of both Johnny's shoulders, looking him straight in the eye. "Listen, it doesn't have to be perfect. It just has to come from the heart."
"I don't think his heart's the problem, Cap." Chet piped up.
Cap gave Chet an exasperated look before returning to Johnny. "You're going to be just fine."
The reassurances weren't helping, but he wasn't going to let Cap know that. "Thanks, Cap."
The five of them prepared to move the casket, with two of the C shift men from Fifty-One assisting, the notes from the organ floating outside, at once strange and familiar. Johnny didn't generally set foot inside a church unless he absolutely had to, but something about the organ music took him back to his childhood, sitting in a hard wooden pew with his aunt, standing up, sitting down, murmured 'amens'.
He straightened up, his fingers curling around the handle on the casket as they moved it into the church, scanning the crowd that filled the space. Half of Los Angeles County's fire department must have been there, and Johnny couldn't help but be awed at the sight.
Once the service began, Johnny was only half-listening. The pastor gave the sermon, scriptures were read, hymns were sung. It was only when he heard his name that he snapped to attention, rising from the chair to start toward the podium.
His stomach was in knots as he pulled the paper from inside his jacket, smoothing it out on the podium. There were so many people out there, so many watching, waiting for him to fumble through this.
He was suddenly aware of shuffling feet behind him, hands on his shoulders, and he glanced around to see he was surrounded by his crew mates. His stomach unknotted itself somewhat, and he sought out Joanne. She gave him the slightest smile and nodded.
That gave Johnny exactly what he needed. He took a deep breath and exhaled, adjusting the microphone before addressing the crowd.
"When I sat down to write this thing, I had no idea what I was going to say." Johnny started. "Thought for sure I would end up winging it."
That drew a few soft laughs from the crowd, and Johnny continued. "Well, once we all got to talking, we started remembering all kinds of things. Funny stories, weird conversations we'd had, all the wild calls we'd gone out on. And all of that made up a lot of who Roy was."
Johnny paused, the emotion starting to get to him. He wasn't going to crack, not today. "Roy's the whole damn reason I became a paramedic. I signed up because he wouldn't quit hounding me about it. And it was hard. Hardest thing I've ever done. Thought for sure I was gonna bomb out. See, I'm not really that smart. Roy was always the smart one."
He swallowed hard, fighting the growing lump in his throat. "But Roy, he didn't see it that way. He just kinda knew that I could do it, somehow, that I just needed a push. He believed in me when I didn't really believe in myself. And…I'll be forever grateful for that. He may have thought I was some kind of nut, but he put up with me anyway. And I'm grateful for that, too. There was no better partner or friend. No better. And it's just not gonna be the same around Fifty-One without him."
He paused again, waiting until he could find his voice. "Thanks, Roy. Thanks for everything."
With that he stepped away from the podium, surrounded by his crew mates as they returned to their seats. Mike was the first one to wrap an arm around his shoulders. "I told you. You did just fine. Just fine."
Johnny couldn't respond, merely nodding as he focused on a spot on the floor. He refused to let his emotions get the better of him today. No, he would save that for when he was alone, and no one could hear him.
Finally, it was time for the procession to the cemetery. They carried the casket back to the engine, covering it with the American flag, and the procession continued from the church to the cemetery, two ladder trucks waiting at the entrance, their ladders crossing each other as the engine and the squad entered.
The finality of it was starting to hit Johnny, and it was all he could do to concentrate on the road ahead of him, the road that would lead to the gravesite. The color guard was already in place, along with a lone bagpiper.
Johnny couldn't help but smile a little bit at that, remembering how he had driven Chet to distraction with his poor attempt at playing the bagpipes. Even Roy, as patient as he was, had finally been pushed to his limit, and had quietly threatened to break the damn things if Johnny didn't knock it off.
Chet let out a brief snicker himself, apparently having a similar thought. "I thought Roy was going to kill you before I did." He commented.
"He did threaten to break them." Johnny told him. "Never followed through."
"Nah, he wouldn't have." Chet agreed.
"I don't know about that." Marco spoke up.
They debated that for a moment, breaking out in laughter until Cap knocked on the window, a baffled expression on his face. "What is wrong with you guys?"
"Nothing." Chet managed to pull himself together. "Just talking about bagpipes."
Cap let out a heavy sigh and shook his head, and the three of them climbed out of the squad, preparing themselves once again for the serious business at hand.
Johnny took one side, Mike the other, and they nodded to each other over the casket as they started moving forward. The others fell in behind, taking a handle, and they moved the casket from the engine to the gravesite. There were far fewer people here now, just Roy's family, along with Joanne's mother and sister.
They set down the casket, and Chet and Marco set to work folding the flag, handing it to Johnny.
This was the part he had dreaded the most. He accepted the folded flag from Marco and crossed over to where Joanne sat. She looked up at him, the tears in her eyes obvious, and Johnny wanted nothing more than to wipe them away, do something, anything other than this.
He held out the flag to Joanne without a word, and she accepted it, their fingers brushing against each other. She managed the slightest of smiles. "Thank you."
That nearly broke him, and he managed a quick nod before falling back in line with his crew mates as the casket was lowered into the ground. The bagpipes started playing "Taps", and that finally broke Johnny completely.
He felt a hand between his shoulder blades, rubbing lightly in an attempt at comfort. But he didn't want that comfort right now. Roy was gone, and Johnny felt utterly adrift.
The rest of the graveside service was a blur, and Johnny was on automatic pilot as he climbed into the squad afterward. Chet started to get in on the driver's side.
"What are you doing?" Johnny asked.
"Driving." Chet told him. "Give me the keys."
"I'm fine." Johnny started to argue.
"No, you're not. You're a goddamn wreck." Chet argued back. "You're in no shape to drive. Now give me the keys or I'm gonna tell Cap."
Johnny lost all energy for an argument, pulling the keys out of his pocket and slapping them in Chet's hand. Marco had already climbed in on the passenger side, and the squad suddenly felt very crowded.
It wasn't the worst feeling. Johnny glanced at Marco, then at Chet. "Thanks, guys."
Marco slung an arm around Johnny's shoulders. "We'll get through this. We're in it together."
"Yeah, together." Johnny nodded. He felt slightly better, knowing he was among friends. It would be hard, but they'd manage, somehow.
# # #
Joanne sighed heavily as she sank into the couch, stretching out along its length and closing her eyes. She had all but pushed her mother and her sister out the door, assuring them that she would be fine, just fine, and yes, of course she would call if she needed anything.
What she really wanted was to be left alone, just for a few moments. The whole day had been utterly exhausting, and she swore if she heard the phrase "I'm sorry for your loss" one more time, she was going to scream.
And of course, it had been a lovely service. Joanne had been to enough fire department funerals to know she shouldn't have expected anything less. Everyone had nothing but kind words to say about Roy, especially his crew mates. She'd even managed a laugh when Mike mentioned something about the spaghetti argument.
Oh, she'd been furious at Roy at the time, furious for days. And even more furious at Johnny for attempting to intervene. He had somehow managed to make things worse.
Once she had finally calmed down and made Mike's spaghetti, well, she had to admit that Roy had been right. She'd made Mike's spaghetti ever since.
It was odd, hearing these men who Roy had spent these last few years with speak of him with such affection. They spoke of his kindness, his bone-dry sense of humor, his tolerance for their seemingly endless shenanigans.
But Johnny's words had touched her most of all. Of course, the two men had been thick as thieves, had been ever since they'd been partnered after Johnny graduated from the paramedic training program. Roy had invited Johnny over one afternoon and before she and Roy had known it, Johnny became a regular fixture at their house, and eventually part of their family. The kids had almost immediately gravitated to Johnny, happy to have someone who was willing to get down on the floor and let them climb all over him.
Johnny, for his part, seemed to have the same child-like spirit as the kids. It seemed to Joanne that perhaps he was trying to make up for something he had missed in his own childhood. When she had mentioned it to Roy, he had merely shaken his head. "He's just an overgrown kid, Jo. Don't read too much into it."
These past few days had shown her a whole other side of Johnny. It was remarkable how he had simply stepped in and done whatever was needed, always there with a hug or a hand to hold, taking over the simplest of tasks when she had finally been too overwhelmed.
Through it all he had seemed to hold it together, even when he had stepped up to the podium, surrounded by the firehouse crew. His eyes had found her in the front row, and he had straightened up, giving her a quick nod before speaking.
He had barely wavered, even as he'd had to pause a few times, the cracks starting to show. Those cracks had grown wider by the time they had arrived at the cemetery, and as Roy's casket was lowered and 'Taps' began to play, Johnny seemed to shatter right in front of her, his pain on display for all to see.
Even Johnny could only hold it together for so long, Joanne supposed. As much as losing Roy broke her heart, witnessing Johnny's grief broke it further. Was someone comforting him tonight? Joanne hated the thought of Johnny suffering alone.
As if on cue, the phone rang, startling Joanne out of her thoughts as she answered. "Hello?"
There was a soft sigh at the other end. "Hey, Jo."
"Johnny, hello." Joanne replied softly. "Is everything okay?"
Johnny scoffed. "Well, no. You know. But I guess you kinda knew that."
"Yes, I suppose you're right." Joanne admitted.
"I really just called to, you know, check up on you." Johnny continued. "You and the kids. Wanted to make sure you were all right tonight."
Joanne spotted a shadow in the hallway, and Jenny soon emerged, quietly slipping into the living room and climbing up on the couch next to Joanne, and Joanne lightly stroked her head. "Oh, you know. We're doing our best."
"Is that Uncle Johnny?" Jenny whispered.
"Yes, honey." Joanne replied.
"Can I talk to him?"
"Hold on." Joanne told her before returning to the phone. "Jenny wants to talk to you,"
"Hey, yeah, put her on."
Joanne handed Jenny the receiver. "Don't talk too long."
"Okay." Jenny answered. "Hi, Uncle Johnny."
Joanne took the opportunity to change her clothes and wash her face. She barely recognized her own reflection, the red, puffy eyes that looked back at her, the red nose.
She splashed cold water on her face before taking a washcloth and soaking it in that same cold water, pressing it over her eyes and face. It was soothing, even if it didn't take all the redness and puffiness away. Every little bit helped.
As she turned out the bathroom light and started down the hallway, she stopped at the door to Chris's room. Chris had gone into his room almost as soon as they had come home, saying barely a word to anyone.
Her stoic little guy. He was so much like Roy that she could barely stand it.
She tapped lightly on the door, waiting for a response. When none was forthcoming, she started to walk away when a small voice caught her ear. "Mom?"
Joanne immediately backtracked, opening the door and entering, almost immediately stepping on a small Lego brick. She winced, catching herself before she said anything, and moved to sit on Chris's bed, smoothing her hand over his head. "Today was a hard day, wasn't it?"
"Uh-huh."
Joanne sat quietly for a moment until it was clear Chris wasn't going to say anything else before speaking again. "I saw Uncle Johnny talking to you."
"Yeah." Chris sighed a little. "Lots of people were telling me I'm the man of the house now. Uncle Johnny told one of them…well, he cussed at them. I don't think he was very happy."
"No, I can't imagine he was." Joanne could envision such a scene. "And those people are wrong."
Chris was silent for a long moment. "Mom, who's gonna take care of us now?"
Joanne took a deep breath and exhaled. "Well, I'm going to take care of us. We'll be okay. It's just going to be hard for a while, that's all."
"Okay." Chris replied quietly. "Good night, Mom."
"Good night." Joanne leaned down and kissed the top of Chris's head before rising from the bed, pulling the covers over him.
She quietly closed the door behind her and returned to the living room, where Jenny was still on the phone with Johnny. Joanne sat on the couch and gestured for the receiver.
Jenny looked a little disappointed. "Mom says I have to go. I love you."
She handed the receiver back to Joanne, giving her a hug before returning to her room, the door clicking closed behind her. Joanne returned to the phone. "I hope she didn't talk your ear off."
"Nah, she's a great kid." Johnny's voice was a little rough. "Both of them are."
Joanne paused briefly. "You know, you're still welcome to be part of their lives."
There was a silence on the other end before Johnny responded. "Wasn't sure you'd want that. Thought maybe you wouldn't want to be reminded of…well, you know."
"Johnny, you're part of our family. You know that." Joanne told him. "The kids wouldn't understand if you stopped coming around."
"Okay." Johnny replied. "I'll be around whenever you want me there. Dance recitals, ball games, all that stuff. And you know, anything else you need. Just call."
Joanne couldn't help the brief laugh that escaped her. "Johnny, you're always welcome here."
Johnny responded with a short chuckle of his own. "Well, maybe not right now. I'm, uh, kind of a wreck and I'm supposed to be on duty tomorrow. Supposed to just go on like nothing happened, I guess."
Joanne's heart ached for Johnny, for all the guys, really. "Then another time."
"Okay." Johnny answered quietly. "Suppose I should hang up. G'night, Jo. Hug those kids for me."
"I will." Joanne replied softly. "And thank you, for everything."
"Any time, Jo." Johnny told her. "Any time. G'night."
"Good night."
With that they finally hung up, and Joanne let out a long sigh. Things were certainly going to look a lot different from here. But she was grateful that Johnny still wanted to be a part of her family, even though the man that connected them was gone. She would do her best not to lean on him too much, of course, but having a little extra support during these difficult times would be a great comfort indeed.
She hoped the same would be true for Johnny.