Struggle

by Meilean

Brotherhood AU - Wild West Triad - prequel: 1838 - Cole struggles after the death of his father. He thinks it a good idea to go on a hunt with Graham Perry an his godson Billy. James, his doctor friend, will also come along. But everything goes wrong on that hunt, pushing Cole even deeper into a depression.

6. Breaking And Fixing

Struggle chapter 6 - Breaking and Fixing

COLE

Cole became desperate. His cousin was right. He had seen the authority Daniel wielded. He already was the Guardian even without a ritual. And he had to report to the Guardian. He had to tell him how he'd messed up; that he was responsible for Billy getting hurt. But he was too ashamed. He didn't want Daniel to see how incapable he was. He had nothing without being a hunter. Daniel wouldn't want such a fuck-up as The Knight. He was useless.

He headed to the barn with Sky. He felt so desperate - so caged; he needed to let off some steam. He spotted the ax and the wood and began to maul a few pieces before the ax broke off the handle. Cole got so angry that he began punching the barn wall with his bare knuckles until they began bleeding. "Fucking shit! Fuck!" he swore.

After he had worked off some frustration, he dropped to the ground, holding his hurting hands balled to fists. Sky carefully came closer. As soon as she saw he wouldn't be lash out anymore she snuggled to his side, asking for affection. He let out a long sigh. "At least you don't complain about me and put up with all my anger, honey." The hunter placed a kiss on his beloved dog's fur, pushing his nose in the comforting soft embrace where he hid from the world and his problems.

Half an hour later, Cole was nearly asleep in the hay, when Sky suddenly got up to woof one time, alerting him there was someone in the barn.

James found them quickly. "Hey …"

Cole gave a depressed "Hey," back, remembering how he had let James ride away into the unknown wilderness - alone. Fuck yes! He had messed up with James too. God knows what could have happened to him out there! He was such an asshole. "I'm sorry, James. I shouldn't have let you leave like that. I honestly have no idea how you put up with all my shit so long before you took off. Did you have problems on your way?"

James gave him a forgiving smile. "Let's say I'm here and in one piece."

Cole folded a hay straw, averting his gaze ashamedly.

"What happened to your hands? Let me see that."

Cole let the doctor check on his hands. "I just got angry. I've had worse."

Cole saw James raise a brow, slightly shaking his head. He knew how much James hated self harm because the poor doctor had to repair things that wouldn't need repair without the stupidity of the patient itself.

"Did you tell Daniel about Billy and the hunt?"

Cole shook his head while James pulled some splints of wood, hay, and white dog hair from the wound. Cole felt the guilt already coming up. "Why not?"

"I think it's better you tell him. I only told him we had problems on the hunt. Just talk to Daniel. Not as his Knight but as his cousin. He has to understand how you struggle at the moment. You two can fix each other, I'm sure of that." James didn't look up from the cuts and bruises he inspected carefully. "I have to clean these. You don't want that to get infected, do you?"

*** WWT Prequel ***

DANIEL

He carefully opened the door to his cousin's room. "Cole?"

His cousin didn't answer but turned his head ashamedly away with a betraying snivel.

Daniel was reminded of the first day they had met. Daniel had only been three years old then but that picture of the broken boy sitting on the floor totally in shock, alone and scared was burned into his mind.

His cousin had been lost then. He had lost everything at once, his mother, the man he considered his father (though he didn't think he had missed the abusive asshole really), his home, everyone he knew then. Cole might believe he was lost the same way now. But that wasn't true. He had him and Sam. They were a family.

Daniel sat down next to him like he did back then. "Remember when you came home to us after your mother passed away? I promised you I'd never leave you, Brother. I really want to keep that promise but you have to let me in, please."

Cole looked up. His eyes wet and red rimmed from crying. "I remember. It's just …" Cole sighed heavily. "It's all too much … I can't … I just can't anymore. And I feel so lost - so alone. I lost my compass with Mike and Wade. Mike led me the way out of my misery after Carolyn. Wade always had advice for me. They were the ones I could turn to with my problems and now I just feel like my world is ripped apart - again. Why do we always have to lose someone? Mike told me to have trust in the Lord's plan. But honestly I can't have trust in him anymore. He took too much from me. I know you were at the same point only a few weeks ago and I told you to keep going. But all my reserves are burned now. And after that thing with Perry and Billy …" Cole ran a shaking hand through his hair. "Fuck, I royally messed that up. Maybe Perry is right - he is right. I'm not able to be the Knight, I shouldn't even be hunting that way."

Daniel saw how lost his cousin was. He'd have seen it earlier if he hadn't been caught in his own grief. He glanced at Cole's bandaged hands. Whatever had gone wrong on that hunt; letting it eat on Cole's soul any longer would lead to more suffering if his cousin didn't finally confide in him about it. "James told me there had been problems with that hunt. Why haven't you told me? You have to report it anyway. Won't you tell me what happened? Maybe I can understand better why you are so upset."

Cole turned his face away, staring to the floor again. Daniel already thought he wouldn't start talking. He wanted to give Cole the chance to tell him about the hunt but if he refused to do so he would have to ask James about the details.

Cole dried his tears with his dirty sleeve. "Billy got hurt as we tried to kill that Kyhara-thing. We split up at the victim's house . Perry and James were outside, checking the barn. I checked the house with Billy. We found the thing hiding in the back of the house. The Kyhara is a scary looking fast monster; Claws like razorblades and her mouth is spiked with sharp teeth. Billy jumped onto her and should have wounded her leathally but she threw him off and was about to kill him. I saw no other chance. I used the prototype of the black powder bomb Sam invented and blew her up. The explosion ripped her apart and half the furniture too. One of the wood splints hit Billy in the face. He lost his eye because I didn't find another way to stop her."

Daniel understood now why Cole put more blame on himself. George shouldn't have allowed Cole to stay in Liberty. But they were all hurting and grieving. He knew how much George suffered himself. He made a mental note to speak to the Advisor soon. He needed to focus on all his brothers. "I understand now what went wrong there. It is not your fault. You needed to react quickly. I would've probably done the same."

Cole looked up miserably.

"What happened then?" Daniel asked.

Cole turned his head away again. Mumbling, he reported further. "Perry grabbed me, shouting insults at me while his godson screamed in his misery. You know the asshole; no one is allowed to hurt his family except for him." Cole sniveled and brushed over his nose. "I couldn't stay there any longer. I just couldn't … maybe he's right." Cole's voice became a whisper barely audible. "I'm worthless."

Finally Daniel understood. He could strangle Perry for his words. The other hunter had done massive damage with his accusations to his cousin's fractured soul. With all the hatred spat at him it was no wonder Cole nearly slit Malachi's throat when he found the unfortunate stranger, to make things even worse a witch, in Mike's room. It must've looked like they wanted to replace him in his own home.

Daniel moved closer to Cole's side, pulling him in a sideways embrace. "Shh, it's okay. It wasn't your fault. Perry is wrong." His broken brother leaned in.

Cole replied with a trembling voice. "What if he's not? What if Mike was wrong about me? I'm not the right person for the Knight. Maybe I'm not even really his son." Ashamed Cole hid his face deeper in Daniel's clothes and began violently sobbing.

"You are his son," Daniel instantly replied, gently peeling Cole off him. He cupped Cole's cheeks, forcing him to look at him. He felt his own tears coming up. "You have proof. Remember in Liberty - the witch spell you told me about? And even if not - you are blood from my blood - a Wilmington for God's sake! That I'm sure of. You are precious. You're one of the most precious humans to me. You are worth dying for. I love you, Brother. Please, come home to us. We miss you. Never let some son of a bitch tell you otherwise. You saved me only a few weeks ago. I wouldn't know how to go on without you."

Cole sunk back into Daniel's arms and let Daniel comfort him until he fell asleep. Daniel swore to himself to erase the bullshit Perry had instilled into Cole's mind. At least he finally knew what, or better who, was to blame for Cole's mental relapse.

*** WWT - Prequel ***

GEORGE

George needed more than a day to feel ready to visit the ranch again. The fight he had with Cole had opened a hellgate of sorrow he had tried to lock safely away until he had time to mourn properly. Of course the boy was grieving. But he didn't see how hard George tried to keep a strong front for the boys too. He missed his Brothers. And even though his son was here now, he felt a strange kind of unapproachability to the boy. Did his mother compromise him over the years? Had he not cared enough for Malachi? He should have been with him more often. The boy was practically a stranger to him. He had joined a coven without his knowledge, although George had secured him a place in the Brotherhood. But maybe it offered an opportunity to come to peace with his mother's coven. There must be no war with the witches. Whatever hatred Maddalena had against his brothers, she wouldn't be so cruel to poison them, would she?

Harris entered the Wilmington Ranch property. He spotted Cole in the yard in front of the house. To his surprise Cole seemed more calm. The boy was in the yard playing with Sky. The white wolf dog fetched a feathered bag Cole threw in an arch over the place.

Mike's son even had the hint of a smile on his lips. Whatever Daniel had said to his cousin must have helped. The boy seemed to slowly find himself. "About damn time, son," The Advisor mumbled. He couldn't do the ritual with a man who didn't even feel worthy enough to be around them. Maybe he shouldn't rush the whole transition anyway. On the other hand he felt burned out. He needed rest himself. To give up the responsibility and spread it on four shoulders would help him to deal with losing his brothers.

Cole looked up and George saw Mike's eyes darting him. He couldn't be mad at the boy. Everytime Mike had given him that look he wasn't able to keep his anger either. "Hey Cole."

"Hey, George. Good you're here. Can I have a word with you, please?"

Sky sauntered closer, the toy in her mouth like a caught bird. Cole patted her head affectionately and bent down to her. "Good girl, go and find Sam, he can play a few rounds with you. I need to talk to George."

"Sure." George answered, waiting for what Cole wanted to tell him.

Without Sky in reach, Cole seemed not to know where to put his hands. "I'm sorry for my outburst. It wasn't fair of me. You were right. I didn't think about how bad you must be suffering too. Can you forgive me? I don't want you to be angry or hurt about what I said."

George began smiling. "It's okay, son. I know how close you were with Mike and how little time you two had together. On my count we are good."

Cole nodded, kicking a stone off the yard a bit embarrassed. "So what brings you by?"

"I want to speak about the transition. The star constellation at the end of the month is good so I want to do it then." A moment of silence followed. "I know how fast that is but … I need a break myself. I thought about staying in Hartford for a while. Bastian's parents would want to know …"

"I see. Is Malachi going to join us today?"

George scratched the back of his neck. "No … uhm …. I already talked to him and hope you two can have a fresh start then without being biased."

"Did you talk to him about the coven thing?" Cole asked bluntly.

It felt as if the young Mike was talking to him. It had cost his friend lots of bad things happening and being imprisoned for over a year until he was able to control that habit. "We can talk that matter out later."

"But I want to talk about it now." Cole looked sternly at him. "Is he leaving the coven or not?"

"Cole, that is not a club you can join or leave anytime you want. That is usually a life decision. I didn't know he'd do such a thing over my head. Believe me, I wouldn't have allowed it."

"Seems you don't know much about your son and still you want to put him into a leading position. I'm not sure if we two can work together. I'm convinced that Maddalena played a part in what happened to the Triad."

"Cole, we have no solid proof." George saw Cole rolling his eyes. "She was always a difficult person. Only because she is mad with me doesn't mean she …" George began.

Cole got impatient and interrupted. They had that discussion too often over the past weeks, "I can't trust him like that. Trust needs to be earned."

Sam and Daniel came over to them. "Good morning, George," They greeted.

Cole turned to the others. Daniel put a hand on his cousin's shoulder to calm him. The two began talking to each other with lowered voices while Sam began talking to George. "Where is Malachi?"

"He's doing preparations for the transition I'm planning for the next full moon." George answered while glancing over to the cousins. He saw how easily Daniel kept Cole in line, like a trained dog and its master. They were made to be Guardian and Knight. He had no doubt.

"Oh, I see. I wanted his opinion about something in my workshop. I'll ask him later," Sam said disappointedly.

George patted Sam on the upper arm. "I'm glad you two get along quite well."

"Yes. Cole will accept him too, don't worry."

That The Advisor doubted. He would have to help that relationship to work.

*** WWT - prequel ***

DANIEL

Over the next few weeks Daniel saw Cole often ride to town to meet with George. Their Advisor tried to find something Cole and Malachi had in common. They had tried to play cards, drink together or hunt deer. George had even suggested visiting the cathouse with them. That had been the first time the two had said no in unison. At least they both tried to make it work. Daniel hadn't seen them fighting each other openly. That might be a good sign.

The Lady of the Lake had begun visiting him in his dreams. He hadn't dreamed of her since his nearly drowning years ago. His father had told him she would show up soon. First she only stood there but in further dreams she began talking about the force, the role the Guardian had and about his element. Daniel always had an affection for water but what she revealed was a slight shock to him. He had never seen his father doing magic tricks but the Lady told him he had power over the water every Guardian had. He tried several times to make it react to his orders and to his surprise and shock it worked to some extent.

Grey Feather and his children came over as the transition neared. They would join the ritual. Daniel was glad Shewa would be at his side for the ritual. He had so much going on in his head and around the ranch that he hardly found peace in the evenings. Since Shewa had arrived it was better. He was not sure if it was only her presence, that he could talk about all the problems and worries that stirred him up or something she did; but it helped. He wouldn't complain.

He glanced over where she slept peacefully next to him - his little wildcat. She was so beautiful he was surprised every time he looked at her that she had chosen him to be her partner. Lovingly he stroked her cheek and got sad. Why was their love not blessed with a child yet? Shewa had needed some weeks to find her balance again. Daniel hadn't left her side until she was better since his cousin had brought him to camp.

He sighed and caused Shewa to snuggle closer to him, taking his hand in sleep. He pulled her closer, inhaling the sweet scent of wildflowers from her hair.

Shewa began mumbling half awake. "Are you alright?"

Daniel smiled softly. "hm, go back to sleep, Love."

She readjusted her position and placed her hand on his chest. A warmth spread through Daniel's body that made him relax instantly, finally able to close his eyes.

When he opened them again he was in front of a house. He remembered being there a few times when he was little. It was his grandfather's house. Everything looked clean and inviting. He heard a quaking sound from the side of the house where a veranda led around the main house to the garden. Daniel followed the noise. There was a man sitting in a rocking chair next to a set coffee table. Daniel knew this was a dream. He wasn't in Philadelphia; hadn't been there for years. His grandfather had died before they had moved to Wyoming. But here he sat - the former Guardian Charles Rutherford.

The older man smiled at him with a patience in his gaze only grandparents had. "Daniel! I'm glad you found the way to my house." The man stopped rocking and got up offering him a place at the coffee table. "Take a seat. We can talk while we are waiting for our other guest."

Daniel frowned but did as told. His grandfather began filling his tea cup. He looked up surprised by a noise from inside.

A beautiful blond woman excited, balancing a tray with fine yellowish lemon cake. "Is he here?" she asked looking up and met his grey eyes. The woman had nearly dropped the tray if not that his grandfather had steadied her.

"Yes, he finally arrived, Clara."

Daniel felt shivers running up and down his body. He had called her Clara. That was his mother! Every detail mirrored the portrait his father had hidden in his personal belongings. From the neatly pinned up hair to the kind smile and the impressive wise eyes. Daniel felt his tears coming up. "Mom?"

Clara put the tray down and hurried closer. She was close to tears herself lovingly cupping his cheek. "Daniel, my beloved son. Finally." Mother and son fell into a close embrace both crying and laughing at the same time. Love and warmth spread through him like a favorite blanket. When they separated they both took a closer look at the other, imprinting every detail of the other's face.

"Oh Daniel. I'm so glad to see you."

"Me too, Mother, but I know this is a dream. I just don't understand why now?" They sat down again, not separating hands.

Rutherford answered, "It wasn't the time before, Son. You will be the Guardian soon. We have to speak about some things you need to know."

Daniel's mind was racing. "But shouldn't my father tell me these things?"

Charles patted his arm. "He will be here soon."

Daniel turned and searched the area. He longed to see his father. As much as he loved his mother and grandfather, Wade was the one that always had been around if he needed advice or to share joy and sorrow.

Then he just stepped out of the house as if he had been there all the time, just waiting for his part in this play. "Daniel," Wade said in his deep calm voice.

"Dad!" Daniel nearly jumped up from the table but Wade already was close enough to place a calming hand on his son's shoulder. "I see you already met your mother." He bent down, placing a kiss on his wife's cheek. "Mm, Clara, you made the lemon cake. I always loved your lemon cake. I never managed to bake one like Clara's though I had the recipe. You need to try, Son."

This was so surreal. He sat with his parents and his grandfather on the Rutherford's veranda, eating lemon cake though he knew he was sleeping in his bed on the ranch with Shewa in his arms. "I'm really happy seeing you all but what is this all about? The transition?"

Wade took another piece of cake. "I'm sorry we didn't discuss this all before my death. I thought we had so much time."

"Where are Mike and Bastian? Are they okay?" Daniel interrupted.

"Don't worry about them, they are fine."

Daniel looked a bit reassured. "Cole suffers so badly from losing Mike. I don't know what to do to make it better."

"You'll see he will find peace again. The boy has been through much and I'm sorry for him but it has to be that way. He needs to grow from all this pain to do the right thing in the future."

Clara put a hand on Wade's thigh. "It's time for the lesson, my dear."

Wade smiled at her, "Yes, you are right, my love." He turned to Daniel. "Come and walk with me, Daniel. The Rutherford property has a wonderful garden with a unique spring."

*** WWT - Prequel ***

DANIEL

"Daniel?"

He heard Shewa calling him. But he couldn't move, couldn't even open his eyes. He felt far far away.

"Daniel!" His love demanded once more.

"DANIEL!"

He heard the door was pushed open in a hurry, then Cole's voice. "Shewa, what's wrong?"

"He doesn't wake up!" Shewa said with a fearful tremor in her usually calm voice.

Cole stepped closer, shaking him by the shoulder. "Daniel!"

He tried hard to focus on his body. He needed to find a connection. He needed to return fully to reality - now.

"Daniel. Wake up!" Cole was shaking him violently now, demanding him to open his eyes.

There was a slight vibration coming from his ring. He tried to concentrate on it. Finally he was able to feel his body and opened his eyes a crack.

Disorientated he stared into Cole's concerned face, Shewa close behind with a worried expression. "You with me, Daniel?"

Daniel managed only a nod unable to speak.

Cole felt his forehead for fever. "What happened? We weren't able to wake you. You scared the hell out of me."

Daniel blinked several times to focus. Shewa offered him a cup of water which he accepted with gratitude.

Sighing relieved, he sank back again.

Water.

Only moments before he had been with his father at Rutherford's spring in Philadelphia. Wade had shared another secret the water held - the rings were made of it. Solidified by the magic of the Guardian. His father had taught him how it worked. It had been the last secret the Guardian passed on.

"I'll get you something to eat. You look like you could use it."

Daniel smiled lopsided. "Do you have the lemon cake in the recipe book you brought from Connecticut?"

Cole frowned and stopped mid movement? "Uhm, I guess. Why are you asking?"

"Lemon cake would be wonderful."

Cole narrowed his eyes in confusion. "I'm gonna bake one for you after the transition, if you promise to never scare me like this morning."

"I'll try."

*** WWT - prequel ***

COLE

The newly installed Knight sat at the Kitchen table in the early morning with a steaming pot of coffee in front of him. He liked having peace in the mornings, knowing everyone was safe and sound asleep so he could watch out for them, and being able to plan the tasks for the day. He turned the Dragon's Talon over in his hand, inspecting the cold steel with its black stone handle. A red marking with the Triad symbol decorated the side. Cole brushed over it. It represented The Knight in the ritual of the transition last night.

It had felt right to be there - to take over. For the first time in a long while he felt worthy to be the Knight. Cole felt the renewed, reinforced power that now pulsated through his ring. It had been molten and mixed with Mike's molten ring before Daniel solidified a new ring from the liquid. He had never seen Daniel doing something like that. Maybe that was one of the secrets a Guardian had.

Anyway, he glanced at his ring, turning it with his thumb, lost in thought. A slight smile came to his lips. It was like having a piece of Mike molten to his soul and made him feel whole again. He would embrace his new destiny.

He got up and began searching for the ingredients he would need for the cake. Cole had promised Daniel a lemon cake. His cousin's reasons to ask him about a cake when he just woke from some kind of trance or dead faint or whatever that had been, made Cole wonder. But he would do him the favor. He hadn't baked in a long time.

It didn't take long and he was immersed in his work and even started humming silently. When he put the cake into the oven, Daniel came downstairs, rubbing his sleepy eyes, only wearing his pants.

"Good morning," he mumbled while taking a seat on the table.

"Good morning, boss. You look like you need coffee," Cole stated, already pouring his cousin a cup full. "Got a bit late before you found peace last night, huh?"

Daniel took the first sip and sighed. An amused grin began spreading over his lips. "It's none of your business what happens in my room, cousin." The Guardian said with a raised finger pointed at Cole.

Cole chuckled and added, "Most times." He enjoyed when Shewa stayed at the ranch. Daniel was so much calmer then. With his room next to his cousin he knew all the different tones Shewa shouted Daniel's name. His smile fainted. The kind she had used that morning when she wasn't able to wake Daniel had scared Cole to his core.

"Is that wonderful smell from the cake you promised me?" Daniel asked, taking another sip from his coffee.

"Yeah, of course. I try to keep my promises. Even more if they are this easy to fulfill." Cole sat down too. "Are you gonna tell me why it has to be a lemon cake?"

Daniel played with the rim of his cup. "My mother used to make it. I saw her in that dream-vision-whatever."

He didn't know what he had expected, but this hadn't been it. Cole patiently waited for Daniel to tell him more.

Daniel shot him a glance and saw that he wanted to know more detail. "I had a dream or something. I was on Rutherford's property in Philadelphia. My mother was there too and … and dad." Daniel made a pause.

Cole swallowed. He knew how Daniel felt. He had dreamed about Mike too and he was grateful for it but also sad that he couldn't force the dreams to come whenever he wanted. He missed Mike so much.

"I asked him about the others and he said they were good. We shouldn't worry about them."

Cole took his coffee and walked over to the window where the sun began bathing the area in bright light. He tried to keep his tears at bay. He had cried too often lately. He wanted to look forward to their new responsibility. He mastered his feelings in a few heartbeats and turned to his cousin again. "That's good, isn't it?"

Daniel nodded.

"But that still doesn't explain the lemon cake, does it?" Cole asked, sipping on his coffee.

Daniel smiled lopsided. "Well we had my mothers lemon cake on the veranda and I wanted it so desperately ever since I woke up." Daniel smiled a bit embarrassed. "Dad was never a good chef but I'm sure you will have success with mom's recipe."

TBC