Between the sea and the stars

The moment Jesper closed the door behind him, Wylan felt his legs go weak, his head spinning. Standing up became an impossible feat. Until then he acted on instinct, but now that the stress was released, he felt the weight of all the words that had been said, of all the actions that had been done, trying to drag him to the floor. His neck was slick with sweat, the trembling in his hands became more spasmodic, and nausea was quickly taking hold of him. He put a hand over his mouth, he could still smell the metal on his hands, as if his revolver was still there. His breath was getting shorter and shorter, he knew his body was about to give in to panic.

"You'd better not dirty my floor," Kaz brought a bucket closer to him with a sharp stroke of his cane.

Wylan could no longer hold back, humiliated, he fell to his knees and vomited, desperately clinging to the bucket. The retching continued, it was as if his body was trying to escape from itself, too terrified to remain anchored to the rest of him. It wasn't the first time he'd felt that agonizing sensation; the violently loud palpitations in his eardrums, his stomach furious and his skin covered in shivers.

In biology class he studied the function of adrenaline: a hormone which, once released into the bloodstream, increased the heart rate, narrowed the caliber of the blood vessels, dilated the bronchial airways, in short, it prepared the whole organism to defend itself against any threat. It made the body a machine ready to react. Yet knowing all these things hadn't prepared Wylan for how he would feel after the adrenaline stopped circulating. Wylan had soon discovered that this was the worst part.

The same thing happened right after he'd escaped from the two assassins his father hired to kill him. Hiding in an alley, he threw up in sobs and tremors. Before that time, he believed that the scariest thing to experience was the moment when he almost died, but after then, he realized that surviving and remembering the fear of the proximity of death was even worse. He hoped never again to experience this kind of panic. And yet, here he was, once again on his knees throwing up and crying, but now in front of the Bastard of the Barrel himself.

When Wylan finally lifted his head from the bucket, Kaz was handing him a handkerchief. Wylan couldn't tell if what he read in Kaz's eyes was disgust or indifference.

"Thank you," he managed to say with a broken, weary voice.

"Your fake attempt of suicide lacked credibility," Kaz replied icily. "You should work on your bluffing skills."

Wylan already knew he was a terrible liar, but he was also aware that, just before, he had really thought he'd rather put a bullet in his head than give his father a chance to do it. Despite this, it was clear even to him that he would never really have the courage to kill himself, he was still too attached to life.

"I've already said it. I don't want to die, I'm just trying to survive". Wylan tried to get to his feet, staggering a bit.

"Being too scared to shoot yourself in the head, it's not enough for me", Kaz looked down at him and Wylan flushed, mortified. Because he knew Kaz was right: he wasn't strong enough to pull that trigger. "If it's true that you want to live, then prove it to me. Show me you're not just a little cockroach terrified of the boot that's about to step on it."

"What do you want from me?"

"We still need something to negotiate with Van Eck, and if you're really convinced that the life of his beloved son isn't enough..."

"I am". Wylan tried to keep his tone as composed as possible, he wanted Kaz to understand that he wasn't lying, neither exaggerating.

"What makes you say that with such confidence? In the letter, he-"

"I can't read," Wylan interrupted him before he could quote again the words his father had written. He felt his cheeks and neck flush, his voice became more and more feeble in front of Kaz's silent gaze. "I… I just can't, I'm not capable of it. And I never will be. My father hates me for this, because I am an idiot, a disgraceful son who will never be able to inherit the empire he created. He wrote that letter only to humiliate me and remind me that he will never love me because I am… defective". He breathed deeply before continuing, then with a bitter smile he concluded: "But now, thanks to Ghezen, there is a new heir on the way, and he can get rid of me".

"I can't believe a father can be so ruthless," Kaz finally spoke.

"I can assure you that as soon as he gets the chance, he will try to kill me."

"Call me sentimental, but I just can't picture a father killing his child for such a trivial reason."

Wylan was dumbfounded. He didn't expect Kaz to understand, he was already surprised that he didn't burst out laughing in his face as soon as he confessed his disability. But now, to discover that the Bastard of the Barrel was more merciful than his own father, that the infamous Dirtyhands thought of him as worthy of living despite his defect, while a respectable man like Jan Van Eck was willing to get his hands dirty with the murder of his own son for the same reason, was an unexpected discovery. He didn't quite know how to react, it was the first time he had admitted to someone that he didn't know how to read and Kaz had called it a 'trivial' thing, as if it weren't a very serious matter.

Despite the realization that, perhaps, he wasn't as bad as his father had always led him to believe, Wylan knew that nothing would change for Jan Van Eck. There was no hope that he would accept it with the same simplicity as Kaz did, time taught him that.

"I'm ready to bet my 4 million kruge on it", Wylan laughed, even if it wasn't funny at all.

"I already have a gambler on my team, I don't need another one who loses all his money", Kaz frowned, looking at the door where Jesper was just a little while ago. "But I accept, I'm willing to stake a hundred kruge that Van Eck won't have the guts to kill his own son in cold blood just because he's not how he wanted him."

"As you wish," Wylan held out his hand, and Kaz's gloved hand immediately shook it.

"However, if Jan Van Eck is truly immune to family affection, we will use something we know he really cares about: money." The grin on Kaz's face would have made the ice itself shiver.

"Explain yourself, what's your plan?"

"Let Nina tailor you."

"What? Why?" Of all the things Kaz could want him to do, Wylan didn't expect this one. And yet Kaz had his scheming face, he was up to something big.

"Nina will make you look like Kuwei Yul-Bo, you will be our bait. We'll give you to Van Eck pretending you're the real one, so when he certainly tries not to respect the agreements, he won't have any power over us because we'll have the real Kuwei well hidden from the start.'

"Do you think it'll work? I know that parem makes Grisha do unthinkable things, but can Nina really change my features that much?"

"I suppose we'll find out soon, if you're willing to take the risk." Kaz paused for a moment, his eyes fixed on Wylan ready to study every slightest reaction, he added: "It could be permanent."

Wylan was silent. His mind full of possible alternatives, he was desperately trying to consider any other option, but this actually seemed like the best one. After the deception of his father, it would have been really convenient not to have his face anymore. With a new appearance he could more easily abandon his past forever, no one could ever again recognize him as Wylan Van Eck, no one could ever reconnect him with his family. It would have been the best way to start his new life, away from Ketterdam, pretending to be just an ordinary Shu. But could he really give up being himself if the price was freedom?

Wylan was still thinking when Kaz broke the silence: "I'm the demon you already sold your soul to, right? Give me everything else too and the pact will be complete.'

With a sigh of resignation, Wylan replied, "I really hope this madness will work."

"It will work." For an instant a satisfied grin flickered on Kaz's face, Wylan thought it was even more terrifying than his intimidating expression. "Enough talking, we don't know how long Nina will be under the effects of parem, we have to be quick. Go to her and pray that when I come back I will not see your face again, but a copy of that little chemist of a Shu."

Wylan walked out of the room, incredulous of what he had just agreed to do.

Wylan knocked softly at the door, within a few moments Matthias was in front of him. He covered the little of the room that could be glimpsed with all his height.

"What do you want?" The Fjerdian's tone left Wylan stunned, he sounded like an animal defending its den, as if there was a wounded puppy inside. And perhaps that was actually how Matthias felt at that moment. Wylan couldn't find the words to explain what he needed: how could he ask Nina for help after what she had already done for all of them in Djerholm? If they were alive it was only thanks to her.

"Let us in, we need Nina." Kaz had just arrived behind him, with him was a confused Kuwei Yul-Bo.

"Get lost, Demjin", Matthias tried to close the door, but Kaz's cane blocked it so quickly that Wylan hadn't even realized it.

"Open up. We cannot postpone it, we need it now that she is still under the effects of the parem".

"Hasn't she done enough for you already? Nina might not survive that disgusting Shu poison, what more do you want from her? Go away, until I'm asking you kindly." Matthias' light eyes didn't admit a reply, but Kaz's dark ones didn't move.

"Matthias, calm down." Nina's head poked over the Fjerdian's shoulder. "Can you bring me a glass of water, please? I'm dying of thirst."

"Nina…" He tried to argue.

"Matthias, pretty please?" Nina's voice sounded sweet and warm. Wylan immediately noticed the change in the Fjerdan's face; for a brief moment it softened looking at Nina. But it didn't last long, Matthias quickly returned to frowning at them. He grunted disapprovingly and walked out of the room, clearing the way. "Had it taken Nina so little to tame the wolf? Real witchcraft", Wylan thought.

"What do you need?" Nina had already dropped her smooth tone when she turned to Kaz. Wylan looked at her better, it was evident that she was trying to hide her sickness. Her skin was pale and damp with sweat, her dark circles were deep and her pupils were so dilated that they left very little space for the green irises.

"Tailor him". Kaz gave Wylan a little push to move him towards the Grisha. "Make sure they are identical."

"Are you joking?"

"Have I ever joked, Zenik?"

"Well, this must be the first time because you can't be serious." Nina scowled at him. "Kaz, I can't do this. You can't force him to-"

"He's not forcing me," Wylan interrupted. "I agreed to it."

"Hendriks, are you sure you understand what that means? There may be no going back."

"I know that. And I'm sure I want to do it". He tried to express all his determination, even if at this point perhaps it was more appropriate to call it despair.

"Wait", Kuwei, who until then hadn't shown any signs of following the conversation, placed a hand on Wylan's chest, as if to stop him from going further. "You do this to save me?"

"No, not you. I'm not that selfless."

"Then why are you doing this?"

"We need bait. We all need it to get out of this alive. You and I have a similar build, the same height. I am the best choice to do it."

"No, I mean… I don't know how to say it…" Kuwei said something in Shu to Nina, who nodded to confirm that she understood.

"'Don't jump in the dark if you don't have the eyes of the cat'" she translated. "It's a Shu saying. It means you shouldn't try something stupid when you can't see where it might lead."

"Yes, that's what I meant to say", Kuwei hurriedly confirmed.

"Kuwei is right, you know? You don't have to do something like this. I'm sure there is another solution."

But Wylan didn't change his mind, by now he was sure of the choice he had made and he was tired of having to convince the others too. "This is the best option we have against my father, it is the only power we can have over him."

"Hendriks…" Nina tried again.

"Wylan," he corrected impulsively.

"What?"

"It's… my name. My real name". Wylan thought that the only thing that would be left of him might be his name, now that he would give up his face.

"Thanks for telling me, Wylan" Nina smiled at him. "It suits you, it's a nice name."

"Thanks," he replied, a little embarrassed by the compliment.

For a fleeting moment Wylan had felt almost happy to hear his name said by Nina, until Kaz tapped his index finger on the watch on his wrist: "If you're done with the mushy stuff, there's an urgent job to do."

"Okay, okay. Calm down, I'll get to work now", the Grisha hushed up in annoyance. "Sit here, side by side so I can see you well. Kaz, close the door behind you when you leave, don't let Helvar come in or he'll try to stop me from using my powers.'

The door lock was the last sound Wylan heard before closing his eyes and letting Nina's fingers brush every inch of his face. He tried to clear his mind, but in the darkness of his closed lids he saw Jesper again. It felt like an eternity since he'd hug him and buried his face in Jesper's chest. At last, Wylan was recognized, Jesper remembered who he was. Ironic that, soon, he couldn't do it anymore, once again Wylan would become a new, unfamiliar face to him.

The tailoring didn't take long. Wylan's skin stung, his eyes got a little dry, and his scalp was itchy, but only for a little while. The feeling had been so fast and light that Wylan wondered if it had actually worked. But he didn't need a mirror to confirm that.

As soon as he opened his eyes again and met Nina's gaze, he noticed that the smile she was giving him was forced, she looked almost as if she were silently apologizing to him. Kuwei, still sitting next to him, couldn't stop staring at him. It must have been weird to see his own face on the body of someone he barely knew. Wylan was already in awe with the two of them looking at him so intensely, but when the door slammed open, even more pairs of eyes were on him. Matthias with an even more annoyed expression than usual, Inej stunned, perhaps a little worried and then Kaz with his cynical and calculating look. For several seconds, everyone was so busy studying his face that they forgot to speak.

"Great job, Zenik." Kaz had broken the silence first. "Parem really does miracles".

"If parem gets you to compliment me, it does miracles indeed." Nina replied before stretching out on the bed. She must have been really exhausted, Wylan suspected she had fever from how hot her hands felt when she touched him during the tailoring.

"Everyone go and rest now. And remember not to mention any of this to Jesper. The success of the plan depends on it", ordered Kaz before leaving the room, followed by Inej who had taken her leave with a small nod and a whispered goodnight.

Wylan didn't understand that part of Kaz's plan. He believed Kaz trusted Jesper, he'd been Kaz's right-hand man for years. Wylan didn't get why it was so important to keep Jesper in the dark, but deep down that was a great excuse for Wylan to avoid the sharpshooter. He had no idea what he was going to tell him after tonight. Wylan felt so vulnerable and pathetic, he didn't have the energy to confront Jesper, so he would obey Kaz's orders without objection.

He turned to Nina who, visibly sick, struggled not to fall asleep: "Nina, I wanted to… Thank you for everything you did today".

She smiled at him, but she didn't seem sincere. Wylan was ashamed that he had forced her to do something that made her uncomfortable. It was clear that she didn't approve, but she had done the job anyway and had given her best despite her state of health.

"Leave now, Nina needs to rest." Matthias had stepped in and was looking at Wylan and Kuwei harshly. He didn't have to say it twice, one after the other they said good night and left the room.

Wylan was already ready to throw himself on any cot and drift off to sleep, but before he could take a step he felt his arm being grabbed. Kuwei, who hadn't stopped staring at him for a moment, was now holding him back.

"What?" Wylan asked, involuntarily rude with his tiredness.

"No, sorry… I… Everyone always said that I look like my father". Kuwei had started to explain, but it wasn't easy for Wylan to follow him with that strong Shu accent. "Sorry for staring, but I never believed it. Yet now that I see you, I believe it. I look just like him when he was young."

Wylan stopped breathing. He had been so focused on how he felt, that he didn't think about how that boy might be feeling. Kuwei had been captured and imprisoned, his father was killed and now he was on a ship full of strangers, bound for a country he had never seen, ready to be sold to people who would exploit him to synthesize his father's drugs . And now he was looking at Wylan so intensely not because he was amazed, but because he was grieving. He wasn't looking at his own face tailored on Wylan's body, he was looking at the father who loved him so much that risked everything to give his Grisha son a better life, the same father who had died just a few days before and that Kuwei must have mourned in a cell in the Ice Court, completely alone.

Kuwei let go of his grip on Wylan's wrist, but Wylan quickly took his hand back and squeezed it. Wylan knew there were no word in the world that could comfort him, he'd been there too, but he tried anyway.

"I'm sorry about your father," he said in a whisper. "I lost my mother, I know how much it can hurt."

Kuwei's amber eyes became watery, he stretched a small smile, as a thank you, before saying goodbye and leaving in the opposite direction. Wylan understood what he was feeling, he wanted to escape from everyone, too.

He retrieved a wool blanket and looked for the most isolated place he could find in the warehouse below deck, where no one would disturb him. There was a dimly lit corner where some crates and ropes had been stacked, not ideal for comfort, but he was so tired that everything would feel like a four-poster bed. He settled himself as best he could, clutching the blanket he was finally free to sob. He cried for what felt like hours, cried until his thoughts became incoherent and he fell asleep without even realizing it.

The night passed in a continuous succession of nightmares and sudden awakenings. The sun had just risen when Wylan woke up for the umpteenth time and finally gave up on sleep. The rest of the day he'd spent on deck watching the waves, drowning in his own thoughts. Wylan can't help imagining how meeting his father would be, every possible scenario was worse than the previous one, but he couldn't stop creating new ones in his head all the time. And what else could he do? He didn't have his flute with him and it would have been impossible to play it anyway, only five people on the ship knew that he wasn't the real Kuwei and, if it had to stay that way, he couldn't improvise a concert that would immediately notify everyone that he was a fake. This also prevented him from drawing and talking to anyone who didn't know about the plan, including Jesper. He didn't have many options left: he had already asked too much of Nina, moreover Matthias would have eaten him alive if he had disturbed her rest again; Kuwei struggled to speak Kerch and they could only meet secretly or anyone could see that the Shu boy had suddenly acquired a twin; Kaz definitely wasn't going to want anyone around, except maybe for Inej, but she seemed very busy asking a million questions about how to run a ship.

'At least someone is having fun.' Wylan sighed when he saw her happily chatting with some of the crew. The smell of the sea filled his nostrils and the sound of the waves rumbled rhythmically on the body of the Ferolind. In a few days they would arrive in Ketterdam, he might as well enjoy those peaceful moments before the final feat.

By the time the sun had set, not even the tiredness stinging his eyes had persuaded him to go to sleep. The nightmares of the previous night had shaken him and he had very little desire to wake up again with a start from the dreamlike terror. His eyes aimed at the sea, now that darkness had arrived, Wylan begun to explore the sky. It had been years since he had seen so many stars. In Ketterdam it was impossible to enjoy that show.

"Hey, how you doing? Do you like the sea?" Jesper's voice made him jump in surprise. Wylan must have been so sleepy that he hadn't realized that Jesper appeared next to him, with his elbows resting on the rail. Taken aback, Wylan remained silent, so Jesper added, "Don't you understand what I'm saying or are you just shy?"

Wylan held up two fingers, hoping Jesper understood that he was trying to answer the second option. It must have worked because Jesper smiled at him. Wylan had spent the whole day avoiding him, only now that he had him so close did he notice that his eyes were swollen, a little red.

"I don't like the sea, it bores me to death. It's always the same, there's nothing fun to look at". Jesper hadn't changed, he was able to carry on a conversation completely on his own. Wylan felt like laughing, he felt happy. After everything that had happened in the past few days, it was a strange feeling.

Wylan pointed to the sky with his finger, above their heads the stars shone and, incredibly, Jesper understood what he meant.

"Well, that's a good point. Stars are definitely more interesting to watch." Jesper turned away from the railing and leaned back against it, his nose pointing up. "When I was little I had a friend who taught me all about the stars and this stuff. I grew up as a farm boy, in Novyi Zem, and the stars are really bright there. Sometimes, on summer nights, we went out secretly and he would talk non-stop about stars, planets, meteors… he had also told me all the names of the constellations, who knows if I can still remember any of them".

Wylan held his breath. Jesper was talking about him. When he was 11, his father hired a new private teacher, who was really into astronomy, and Wylan fell in love with the subject; he couldn't shut up about it. Wylan couldn't believe Jesper remembered that. He looked at him with wide eyes and his mouth half-opened in a smile.

"What's up? Do you want me to point out a few?" Jesper asked when he saw Wylan staring at him.

Wylan nodded vigorously, unable to hold back the smile that crept onto his face.

"Wow, how excited," Jesper chuckled at his overreaction, but Wylan didn't care. "So, let's see... Do you see the one that makes a strange curve? It's called the Sherborn Bear Claw, because it's supposed to look like a claw, I guess, even though I just could never see it. And then nearby that long, long thing is called the White Tiger, I think it's because the long thing is supposed to be the tail? And then, and then… Let's see, what else is there? Ah! Yes! That one over there! Do you see those two lines crossing each other? That is the Sword of Sankt Juris."

Wylan was aware that he should have been looking at where Jesper's finger was pointing, but his eyes kept returning to Jesper's profile illuminated by the night light. His gray irises shone from the reflected moon, every time he blinked it looked like he was capturing the light with his lashes, pitch black lashes. That night they were red and surrounded by signs of fatigue, but Jesper's eyes couldn't be less beautiful.

"Jes". Inej's sudden arrival made them both turn around.

"For saints sake, Inej. I almost had a heart attack". Jesper put a hand on his chest. Inej smiled like a child who had succeeded in her prank.

"I've been looking for you, haven't seen you all day. What… What did you do?" She asked when she noticed Jesper's face.

"Okay, rude. You could at least pretend I don't look terrible."

"What happened?" She insisted on asking him.

"Wylan happened," Jesper said dryly. Inej's eyes instantly snapped at Wylan who was still at the Zemeni's side. They probably both had the same fear in that exact moment: did Jesper know? How did he figure out that he wasn't the real Kuwei and when?

"What… About him?" Inej took Jesper by the arm and dragged him a few steps away. Wylan looked away hastily, he turned back to the sea pretending to ignore them.

"I know Kaz tells you everything. Or at least he tells you a lot more than he does with anyone else." Jesper stared at her, waiting for some sign, but she remained silent, still.

"Okay, keep playing dumb," Jesper said, annoyed.

"Jes, if you want to talk about this, maybe we should…" Wylan noticed with one eye that Inej was pointing in his direction to imply that this conversation should not be held in front of him.

"I don't think he understands much of what we say," Jesper shrugged. "Don't change the subject. How much do you really know? You knew he was Van Eck's son even before Kaz announced it to everyone. You also knew his real name isn't Hendriks, you weren't confused at all when I called him 'Wylan' just now. What else do you know? Do you also know why he left home?"

"I looked it up for Kaz, he keeps an eye on all the new arrivals at the Barrel. Let alone someone who goes to all the gangs proposing to sell them bombs of his own making".

"And…?" He urged her to continue impatiently.

"I followed him to the Geldstraat, and saw him return to the Van Eck mansion. So yeah, Jesper, I always knew he was a Van Eck. Have you finished interrogating me now?"

"No. I want to know why he left."

"Ask him, then," she snapped back.

"I already did, he didn't want to tell me. What do you know?"

"Nothing, just rumors."

"What rumors?"

"Jesper, not here-", she tried to reason with him, once again with her head she pointed to Wylan clinging to the parapet, not far from them.

"Inej, what rumors?" Jesper repeated, ignoring her.

"Something about being kicked out of the house because he was found in bed with a tutor." Wylan felt his cheeks blushing. How could he remain impassive while a few steps away from him they were talking about his sex life?

"Bullshit, you don't want to kill yourself because your father catches you fucking," Jesper said angrily.

"Jesper, stop it. Why don't we-" she tried to calm him down, but Jesper interrupted her immediately .

"No, I can't stop, Inej. I need to know what happened to get him to do something this stupid!"

"Why do you care so much? Did you disappear all day because you were still hungover? Did you drown yourself in alcohol because of what happened yesterday?" Jesper was silent for a while, eyes downcast in shame as Inej pressed him, but it didn't last long. "I understand you've made friends with him, but if he doesn't want to talk to you about his problems, you should just accept it. You've only known him for a few weeks, why do you insist so much on-"

"You have your secrets, I have mine!" Like a shot in the night, Jesper's voice shouted her down. Wylan had been so surprised to hear Jesper scream that he immediately turned towards them, forgetting about his intention to pretend not to listen to their argument. Inej retreated with an astonished look. Jesper stared back at her, as if he himself couldn't believe that he had made that violent sound.

"Sorry, I shouldn't have yelled at you. I was wrong" he said quickly, reaching out for her, but Inej took another step back, instinctively pulling away from his touch. "I'm sorry" Jesper said again, this time his voice was just a soft whisper. He didn't wait to make sure that Inej had indeed forgiven him, before she could even react, he had already turned his back on her and headed for the cabins.

Wylan tried to approach Inej, she seemed shaken and he wanted to do something, anything to comfort her. But he hadn't had time to take a step in her direction because she had already run away, leaving him alone on the deck of the ship, between the sea and the stars.