"Mione?" Ron looked at her warily, "Why are you smiling like that?"
Hermione jumped, not having expected them still to be awake, her eyes taking in the concerned expression on Harry and Ron's faces. Blowing out a harsh breath she attempted to decide her next move.
"Parkinson give you a gift?" Harry asked with fake nonchalance, nodding his head to the box in her arms.
"What?" she gasped.
With an eye roll, he rose, striding towards her so he could tug her down onto the sofa. "Map," he replied pointedly, his eyes going wide as he caught the clear top of the box. "Ah…Hermione…What…what the fuck?"
A slow sinister smile spread over Hermione's face, sending a jolt of fear through the boys as she pulled the decorative box off the bottom of her gift. Casting the privacy wards Pansy had taught her, she turned to look at them properly. "Pansy did indeed give me a gift." she agreed, "It's for Christmas and obviously she's a little early but when the opportunity arose, she took it."
"I see," Harry agreed faintly, staring at the box with a mix of delight and horror. "And that's…ah…really…"
"Really Umbridge?" Hermione finished for him, smiling viciously. "Oh yes."
"Bloody hell," Ron muttered, "I can't make up my mind whether you two were made for each other or should be kept really, really far apart."
She shrugged in response, "I'd like to see you try." Pausing, she glanced back up at them, "You're not going to…to…"
"Give you a hard time?" Harry suggested with a grimace before he sighed, "Honestly, in the beginning, I thought the map was malfunctioning. But…but we ah…might have realised, with a little help from Fred and George that you should have been able to tell us. And you obviously didn't feel like you could and that sort of sucks."
"Oh," she whispered, her eyes darting to Ron who sighed and shrugged.
"I'm not sure I understand your taste in girls Mione, but if she makes you happy," he sighed exaggeratedly, "I suppose I can learn to live with it."
They both looked supremely uncomfortable when seconds later, Dolores' new home was unceremoniously thrown on the sofa, making her shriek as she bounced off the sides and Hermione launched herself at them crying.
"What on earth are you going to get Parkinson for Christmas that tops that?" Harry asked once she was calm.
She waved him off, "I got her muggle make-up and hair things. It won't top that, but her birthdays in February, so I'll work something out for then."
"What are you thinking?" Ron asked curiously.
"I don't know!" Hermione wailed suddenly, "How do you top that?"
"I don't think you do mate, "Harry laughed. "Unless she'd like her own real-life pet in a box."
Hermione froze, "She might," she murmured as if to herself. "But isn't it unoriginal?"
Harry and Ron both blinked, not entirely sure they'd heard her correctly. "I ah…Hermione did you actually just ask if kidnapping someone to trap them in a glass box as a gift for your girlfriend is unoriginal?"
"Well she's already done it!" she exclaimed.
"Sometimes, Hermione," Ron muttered, not looking at her, "You are more than a little scary."
"Is there someone she'd want?" Harry asked suddenly.
"Her parents are talking about contracting her to Rabastan fucking Lestrange," Hermione growled, a look of utter fury overtaking her face. "No consent from her required. The only saving grace is that they'd obviously have to wait until Lord no-nose is in charge given that he's still a wanted criminal and all."
"Well fuck." Ron muttered. "So….Lestrange in a jar?"
"I mean we could," Hermione agreed, her mind already whirling, "I imagine the logistics would be a bit difficult but she said her friends helped with mine so they might for hers….." she trailed off as she realised Harry and Ron were gaping at her.
"I was joking!" Rob spluttered.
"Why?" she shrugged, "Takes him out the picture."
He blinked, utterly unsure of what to reply to that, "If that's the case I want Voldy for mine," Harry muttered.
Hermione hummed. "Do you think Remus and Sirus would like one?" she asked suddenly.
There were several beats of silence, "Ah…Hermione, you know you can't just ah….I don't know, start a random business of Death Eater pets, right?"
"Of course, I know that Ronald." she scoffed, "I didn't say anything about charging for them!"
At that Harry let out a hysterical-sounding laugh, half wondering if someone had dosed him with something, half desperately wanting someone to box up Voldemort for him. He hoped the bow was Gryffindor red.