Mitchell was hesitant about Jay bringing Joe along on their stargazing trips. Last year it had just been the two of them since Manny was traveling the world. This year, nine year old Joe had joined them. Rex was a little too young to appreciate this.
It was Gloria who insisted, really. It would be a good opportunity for them all to bond since Joe and Manny were technically Mitch's brothers. Was it still weird to Mitch to think of Joe as his brother? A little. But hey, life happens and at least he had a better mother than Mitch did.
Joe wanted to explore the surrounding area, barely paying attention to the sky and what Jay was saying. He did come over to look through the telescope, so he wasn't entirely disinterested.
Manny told stories of his travels and how he'd felt closer to the stars. He thought a lot about his family and these trips while he was out in the world. No matter where anyone in the family had gone, it felt like nothing compared to this.
When he'd told Mitchell, the redhead thought he meant that they were just tiny specks in the universe. Manny told him that his own view was less pessimistic, Mitch arguing that he was just being realistic.
The 'argument' didn't last long, but Jay still smiled at them and looked at Joe who was making a solar system out of rocks on the ground. He insisted on the biggest rock being Earth for some reason.
"Is that a shooting star?" Joe asked. Mitch and Manny looked up.
"Sorry, kid, just a helicopter." Jay said.
"Or as my mom says, the takatakatakataka-" Manny said.
"She has to know the word by now, right?" Mitch asked.
"Probably, but that's not fun." Joe said, stretching out and laying in the dirt.
Manny opted to lay on the blanket they brought. Mitch sat in a folding chair next to Jay's. They were silent for a while, the adults thinking Joe fell asleep until he randomly giggled. He provided no explanation, but traced invisible lines with his finger.
"You know what's weird?" Manny asked.
"You?" Joe said.
"Hilarious. No, it's that we're looking at the same sky as Phil, Claire, Luke, and pretty much everyone in this time zone is. And it's technically the same sky no matter what your time zone. You can always see something familiar even when the world around you isn't. Is Cam looking at the sky?"
"Currently he's building a pillow fort with the kids." Mitch said. "But yeah, he does look out at the stars."
"Last year around this time, I looked up at the sky and I wished I was here. It was one of the lower points on my trip."
"You talk to your mom about it?" Jay asked.
"No. She'd just say 'I told you it would happen'." Manny sighed. Mitch and Jay exchanged looks and then stared curiously at Manny. "It wasn't anything bad. Or unpredictable. Just...I guess it wasn't just opening my eyes to the world...it was opening my eyes and taking off the rose colored glasses."
"You went to see your dad, didn't you?"
"Yes and no." Manny sighed. "I was supposed to meet up with him, stay at his house for a couple days, and we'd go out into town. We texted about it for a week, I made all the plans, had the itinerary mapped out like a trip to Disney..."
"He didn't show up." Jay finished.
"Hopeless optimist that I am, I went to book a hotel and stayed for two days, but you knew that because it was already booked."
"Yeah. Figured I might have a backup for you."
"I don't think I ever really saw my father." Manny looked over to them. "Jay, I know it was a long time ago and I still had my hope and faith, but...that day...did he really send a limo for me to go to Disney because he missed his flight?"
Jay sighed. "I already screwed up my relationship with my first son by letting him think I didn't care at all. I wasn't going to let you think your father didn't care about you. You were eleven, young and innocent, it wouldn't have been fair to break your heart and shatter reality this early. So yeah, I let you be a kid longer. Took you on a trip where you didn't have to feel alone. Where I felt like I actually was doing a good job raising a kid. Let you think your dad was better than he is. Let myself think I was a good dad because of that."
"You are a good dad." Manny said. "Life has ups and downs, but you're a good dad."
"Thanks, kid." Jay said, pulling a handkerchief out of his pocket and giving it to Mitchell. The redhead had been trying to sniffle as quietly as possible, dabbing at his eyes with his shirt sleeve. "Not sure I'd really share the sentiment. Often I've felt these trips were a vain hope that the rift I made with Mitchell was mending."
"You're good." Joe piped up. "You and Mommy tell me what to do because you love me and you want me to be a good person."
"When I said 'yes and no' and that I didn't really ever see my father, it's because I already saw my dad." Manny said. "He was at home with my family, waiting for me to come stargazing with my brothers."
"Gee, kid, I didn't bring another handkerchief." Jay said.
"It was mending." Mitchell said softly. "At first I was suspicious of-of your intent." He remembered Joe was there. "I thought maybe you'd just try to convince me not to be gay or something."
"I would never hurt you." Jay had caught the implication. "I thought you'd take me out to the woods and kill me." No, Mitchell, I'm not a murderer.
"It's not unheard of...but...I grew to appreciate it. I'm glad we come out here together. It's a way of saying we care. We want to spend time with each other as a family. How long have you been bringing a handkerchief?"
"Years." Jay said. "When we started this, I could tell you were nervous. We didn't really talk heart to heart much. We have over the years, so I decided to try to be ready. The old wounds weren't pretty and anything reopened would be emotional. I worried for some things you kept in all these years."
"Like a trip cut short?"
Jay sighed heavily. "Mitchell, I really was going to tell you eventually. Just...I wasn't sure if you were ever going to believe me. I know I wouldn't have. You see, what happened was-"
"I know." Mitch said. "Claire and I figured it out when we were going through stuff. And we called Margaret for the final piece of the puzzle."
"Of course you did." Jay chuckled. "I knew you kids were smart."
"Really?"
"Yeah. I just never encouraged it." Jay looked up at the sky.
"May I interject?" Manny asked.
"Sure, kid."
"You brought a needle?" Joe asked.
"No, interject, not inject. It means to interrupt like you did just now." Manny explained. The nine year old nodded. "Jay, do you feel like you emulated your father too much while raising your kids?"
"I spent my life trying not to be like my father." Jay said. "Turns out life kicked me and bit me back in the butt...I became a worse version of him..."
Mitch shook his head. "I was seven when he died, but all I remember is that I never really felt safe around him. I don't think he would've eventually accepted me." Mitch took a sip of water and tugged at his sleeves. "I think-I think I might've been worse off if he was alive when I came out. I know you guys let me cry at the funeral, but It feels like I cried because it's death and I was supposed to and it was okay to cry when someone dies, even if you didn't really know them and it just feels terrible to say that I was relieved, that makes me sound horrible-"
"Mitchell."
Mitch's mouth clamped shut. He winced as he accidentally bit his lip. He felt a warm sensation on his arm. He looked down to see red scratch marks. There was that old subconscious habit, he hadn't even felt himself doing it even if it had been several months since he did it.
"Careful not to hurt yourself." Jay said softly. "Your feelings matter, son. I agree with you, I'm not sure he would've changed if Aunt Becky is any indicator."
"Does Uncle Don really accept me?"
"Hm." Jay thought about it. "Well, he's never said anything bad, or much at all really. He does ask how the family is in general. Joe, you doing okay? We're kinda talking about heavy topics."
"I'm fine." Joe said brightly. "Long time ago stuff happened a long time ago. I know you all love me and I love you. I promise if I'm not okay, I'll tell you. Is that a planet?" He asked, pointing to a glowing dot.
"No, planets don't twinkle." Mitch responded.
"That makes sense. It's not 'twinkle twinkle little planet'."
Manny and Mitch laughed. Jay smiled at his boys. There would always be a part of him that regretted missing the opportunity to connect with his oldest as he had with his youngest. Or to be there when it counted like with Manny.
Maybe they'd have a hard time saying it out loud to him, especially Mitchell, but they all knew he loved them. Jay knew they knew. It had been a struggle with his own father, the question of 'did he know I loved him?'. Through the years, especially the last ten, he'd come to realize he didn't want his boys struggling with the question.
Joe would struggle the least since Jay was raising him different than how he'd 'raised' Mitchell. In fact, seeing how the kid was happily chatting away about making up his own constellations, Jay was confident that Joe was in the best environment to have positive thoughts about his father.
Manny was an older man in a kid's body when Jay met him, but he was also a kid. A kid with a flaky father who needed a reliable and wise father figure. Then along the way, Jay stopped being a figure and became a father to him.
Actually, I thought you and I would take a little walk.
Mitchell, despite being the oldest and most experienced with the world, was the one who'd needed help the most. Who needed someone to tell him he mattered, he was important and loved. He needed not only his husband and his family and extended family to tell him how much they loved him, he needed his father.
Better late than never, I suppose. Better in the latter part of Jay's life than Mitchell sitting in a pew, wondering if his father truly loved him.
When the time comes, you'll know. You'll look at the stars and think of me. You'll know I've cherished the time we spent together. And you'll know absolutely, without a doubt-
"I love you, my sons."
"I love you too, Dad." Joe said absentmindedly, drawing what he said was a robot in the stars.
"I love you...Dad." Manny's voice was emotional and though it was hard to see, Jay knew he'd shed a few tears.
Mitch sniffled, dabbing at his eyes. "D-Dad, I-I-" His throat felt tight. Jay heard it in his voice.
"I know, Mitchell. I'll always know." Jay said, patting Mitch's leg gently.
Don't miss the chance to let the people you appreciate know that.
A/N: I felt we needed more Jay bonding with his sons
