The sweetest of hearts are the ones that break apart,
only to find wholeness in each other again.
The Agents mull over some profound words spoken.
Author's Note:
Milagro is one of my favorite episodes. I often wondered if Mulder and Scully ever discussed what Padgett told them at the jail.
Here is my take.
On a hunch, Mulder released their prime suspect from jail, a writer, Phillip Padgett. Mulder believed Padgett was responsible for the recent string of murders; the victims hearts had been ripped out while they were still alive. He had hoped to catch him in the act before he murdered again. On his way out of the jail cell Padgett turned directly to Mulder, ignoring Scully, and spoke words into existence that Mulder couldn't get out of his head.
In my book, I'd written that Agent Scully falls in love, but that's obviously impossible.
Agent Scully is already in love.
The words ruminating in his head on the car ride back to his apartment. Mulder had been taken aback by this case. They had nothing, but everything at the same time. Words written by Padgett describing the murders to a tee, yet nothing concrete that would link him to the crimes.
The words pushed back into Mulder's mind's eye.
Agent Scully is already in love.
And even more words; he read in Padgett's manuscript about Scully he didn't quite believe. Or didn't want to believe. Or did want to believe.
What was she doing in Padgett's apartment anyway? Gripping the steering wheel in frustration, he glanced over at Scully. She was sitting on the passenger side of the car, her hands in her lap, staring out the window. He could tell she was thinking, she looked and felt miles away. Tension, so thick he could cut it with a knife. He wanted to ask her a question but he wouldn't let the words escape his brain. More words.
Who are you in love with Scully?
But he knew. He knew it was him. The truth was he couldn't bear the thought of Scully in love with him. It wasn't because he didn't love her back, on the contrary, he had loved her before he saw her, in the words she wrote in her thesis so long ago.
More words .
Meeting her only solidified his feelings, making them achingly more real. He was content with quietly pinning away in secret for her. He could never have her, not wholly in the way he wanted, without ruining her completely. But he didn't want anyone else to have her heart either.
He was a selfish bastard and coward , he thought. He didn't deserve her love and he secretly hoped he could ignore it, waiting for the day she would forget him.
until now.
Damn it.
Scully couldn't believe what she just went through. Her emotions in disarray, she felt exposed and laid bare. A pawn in a game played by two men who somehow gained access to her innermost thoughts and feelings. They used them as tools in a display of masculine possessiveness. She could tell Mulder was upset at Padgett, and after reading his manuscript herself the night before, she couldn't hardly blame him. She wanted to scream at Padgett for his presumptions about her; worse and even more personal, for Mulders lack of trust and faith in her judgment. But what really had her shaken up was Padgett's declaration to Mulder when he left his cell.
Agent Scully is Already in love.
Questions circling in her mind, how did Padgett know? Was it a posteriori, did he observe something in her, in Mulder? She had always been good at shielding her feelings from the outside world. She hid her feelings from Mulder too, the most important ones.
She'd been in love with Mulder for years now. It didn't take long for her to be sucked into his orbit and she'd been rotating in it ever since, never able to leave. The gravitational pull of Mulder was greater than anything she'd ever felt.
But now the words are out there. Floating between them. Somewhere between you are my one in five billion and you're the only one I trust .
She wanted to speak, to talk to him, but her words never escaped her mouth. She was a coward, holding on to her true feelings for the purpose of self preservation. She didn't want to let him know, she was afraid.
Yet, when she glanced over to him her heart softened. She could tell he was in turmoil, his thoughts battling inside his brilliant mind. She instinctively wanted to make his pain go away, she reached over and grabbed his hand and held it. He squeezed it back, an unspoken acknowledgement of her empathy toward him.
Not a word was spoken on the ride to the apartment. And when they arrived at Mulder's place they quickly morphed into agent mode. They needed to get back to work, to catch a killer.
Feelings and love could wait, until they couldn't anymore. They both knew something would have to change, each one waiting for the other, each one protecting their heart.
The agents didn't know that the unspoken and spoken words today were cemented into their destiny. Neither one would be able to stifle their existence for too long.
But for now they had a job to do and nothing was going to stand in their way.
