CONRAD
I didn't regret a single word that I just said. It has been at the tip of my tongue since this morning. I was my truest self today with her, and the relief I felt couldn't be compared to anything else.
There was only this one little thing that I left unsaid. I know she knows. I know she knows this is it. I may be self-centred and egoistic, but I knew Isabel like the palm of my hand. The sparkle in her eyes, the way she found it hard to breathe once I stepped into her little bubble. I wasn't stupid; I know she knows and she knows I know.
This secluded world we've created, away from everything else, was my favourite place, and I enjoyed every second with her. Listening to her sing the lyrics as loud as she could in the car, watching her lick whipped cream from her upper lip, feeling her hand in mine— She was my drug of choice. Everything made sense again when it was just the two of us. I wouldn't wait this out if it was any other guy than Jere. The things I would do to prove to her how serious I am about this, how much this means to me, how much I want it to be her.
„If you are so sure about this, why didn't you just kiss me today?" She asked me when we were only a couple of blocks away from the hotel.
„I want it to come from you." I looked at her for a quick moment; she was so beautiful.
„I am sure about this, I want you to be too. I am very determined to do this right Belly. You're it for me." No amount of flashing New York City lights could hide the redness in her cheeks now. I understand she can't say anything yet, and I might be delusional, and that is fine with me. I knew that If I would lose her again, there would be nothing left of my feelings afterwards, so I knew it wouldn't hurt. She wasn't aware of the effect her brown eyes had on me; I was ready to do anything for her, except let this be. I know it is the best for us; I know this is right I feel it in my bones. Something you feel so strongly like this, can't be wrong, I refuse to believe that.
Upon our return to the hotel, I realised I was right this morning, she would want to have the bed next to the large window, where the city lights would flicker. After taking off her shoes she gracefully made her way to her bed and sat down. We didn't turn on the lights and I slowly walked towards her, giving her enough time to tell me I should stay away from her, but she didn't. I sat down next to her on her bed, maintaining a respectful distance — far away we didn't touch, but close enough to smell her perfume.
„Belly, don't be mad." I couldn't bear the thought of her being mad at me, it was stinging slowly and painfully. I knew I had to say what I said, but I also understood this was putting her in an impossible situation again.
„I'm not mad." She whispered, her gaze fixed on the city. She found my hand which I placed next to her. I gave her hand a soft squeeze. We will get through this. It wasn't fair, nothing here was fair. How I was treating my brother, how she was putting me on hold, how I was fighting after I gave up the fight, how she decided to spend this day with me, how she gave me false hope and broke me every time he would come up in the conversation. None of it mattered to me. Nothing bothered me. I was ready to put up with anything, and go through everything, just to make this right with her.
„There is a rooftop pool." I said, not really expecting her to go with me.
„Give me a second." She replied, standing up and walking over to her bag, pulling out her white bikini.
I went into the bathroom to change into my swimming trunks. When I walked out, she already had a towel wrapped around her petite frame. She let her hair fall down her shoulders as she walked over to me. I took another towel, wrapped it around myself, took my slippers, and together we made our way to the very top of this large building to see a specious pool surrounded by lounge chairs. The whole pool was beautifully illuminated and one side of the pool had only a single glass window separating it from the entire city. It really looked impressive, the pictures were not doing this place any justice.
It was surprisingly quiet up here. You could see there was a lot going on down there, but you almost couldn't hear anything. The last people were just leaving the pool as we arrived. I knew it was open all night long, and I thought the chances of having it all to ourselves were slim, but here we were.
Belly picked one lounge chair and put her towel down, I followed closely behind and I placed mine next to hers. I never understood when she would say anything negative about her perfect body. Her skin was smooth and soft; whoever she would grant the privilege to touch it, was the happiest man alive. I wanted to be that man. I wanted to run my fingers up and down her body, I wanted to touch her where I knew she liked, again. I wanted to be the happiest man alive. She entered the pool, slowly at first, testing the water and then quicker once she realised how warm it was. I could see she was enjoying herself, there was that familiar Belly smile, plastered on her face.
I swam over to her, to the edge of the pool, to the side that overlooked the city. I glanced at her.
„It was a perfect day." I said, feeling almost tired, but still not wanting our day to end.
„It was, you screamed louder than any girl there." She said jokingly. I couldn't let that slide, so I splashed her. I should have known she would seek revenge and splash me back. We were splashing each other back and forth until I heard her gasp.
She was holding the two straps of her bikini top and tried tying it from behind. I stepped closer to her and took both straps in my hands.
„Let me." I whispered, feeling her skin shiver once my hands touched her. I leaned closer to her, her small body froze and her breathing against my neck was testing my strength. I started tying her bikini, looking directly into her eyes. I wish I could tell you I did that as fast as I could, but I didn't. I orchestrated this moment myself by not tying it at all.
Touching her naked skin, feeling it against my body, made me mad about her. To support herself in the water she grabbed my waist and it was very hard not kiss her. She held me tight, but her touch was soft, it felt just like my Belly.
„Conrad—" a soft moan left her lips and I leaned my head against hers. It wasn't fair how much I loved her; It almost didn't feel real. I couldn't help myself, but I had to, She was the most perfect being walking this earth, every particle of my body screamed in agony because I hadn't already dared to kiss her. My mind was on the verge of insanity as I watched her close her eyes and slowly lean in towards me. I wanted to memorise this moment, I needed to capture it to relive it in my mind. I wanted to remember this forever — the love of my life, the extension of me, wanting me too. I wasn't sure I wasn't dreaming.
I heard chatter coming towards us, and I realised our perfect, secret, little moment was ruined. I tied her bikini as fast as I could and she turned around, she now knew I was stalling. I had to swim in another direction to recover from this, to focus on something else. Nervously, she exited the pool and I followed her lead. She wrapped herself around her towel once more and headed back inside. The entire journey back to our room was marked by complete silence.
Once inside, I grabbed the wet towel, and she made her way into the bathroom. Leaning against the wall, I still not believing what just almost happened. I wasn't sure what to make of it all. Was this a good sign, was this a step forward for us, or just a moment of weakness? Was I using the fact that we were both tired? All of my insecurities rushed to the surface, and I worried that I was forcing her into something she didn't want.
After she changed into her pyjamas, I entered the bathroom to take a shower as well. Once I changed into my Cousins Rowing T-shirt and black boxers, I made my way back to find her lying in her bed.
I lay in the bed as well. It took me a minute to realise she wasn't sleeping; she wasn't snoring and I knew she had to be tired after today. It was way pass 2AM, and physically I was exhausted. However, I know this would be a sleepless night.
„Conrad?" I know she knew I couldn't sleep either.
„Yes?" I answered.
„I wish I could turn time." She confessed.
„Me too." She didn't ask, but I wanted her to know I had regrets from the past too.
„Thank you for today, it was magical."
„Good night Belly." We were both too exhausted, I needed to let her breathe out and take the time she needed.
„Good night Connie." She said and turned around. It didn't take long before I could hear her soft little snores, they became a lullaby. I was done for her. There hasn't been a time I didn't want her, a time I didn't long to be close to her. Nothing made me as calm and angry at the same time as she did. She was the sweetest plot twist of my life.
