Edwards hands were in my hair, his lips moving softly against mine. I wrapped my arms around his neck as he shifted to hover over my body, gently pressing me into the high grass.
His lips were like silk against mine.
"Edward." I breathed.
His eyes are molten gold as he smiles down at me. "Bella." he answered me in a whisper. Even though his breathing was heavy his voice was like honey to my ears.
I let my hands wander to his neck as his lips descend back onto mine. Weaving my fingers through his hair as I pulled him closer to me. Our lips seemed to be like two magnets, pulled to each other. Fused together.
There was a desperation in the way his lips moved against mine and a tremble ran through my body.
There was only Edward.
And me.
Us.
Edwards' hand left my hair and wandered down my body. Cupping my cheeks, then brushing along my neck and then lower still.
Sudden panic rose in me as his hand came to my waist. I shook my head. "Stop." I told him with a weak voice. "Stop, Edward."
He was caught off guard by my sudden command and blinked rapidly as he shook his head to clear his mind. But he immediately backed off. Just as I had asked.
I twisted to pull up his hand and kiss the palm. "Edward, not now." I told him softly.
"Why not?" He was still confused and hurt flashed across his eyes before he could hide it from me.
"Just not now."
His eyes were intent on my face as I struggled to say anything. My breathing was still erratic. "Please. I can not do this tonight."
"Why not?" He repeated the question. His voice was labored but I could hear the same sadness in it that I saw in his eyes. "Do you no longer love me in this way?"
"You know I do." I told him, chuckling at the ridiculousness of his question. There was no way I could no longer love him in the same way. There was no place or time where it would ever be different.
"Do I?" he asked, his voice full of doubt. "Bella, I will understand if you no longer feel romantic love towards me. I was dead to you. For a quarter year you have mourned me. Tried to move on. Feelings can change in that time. And I will understand if you no longer desire me. I will always love you in this way, it was ingrained into my being when Carlisle changed me. But I will stand aside if you no longer see me in that light. You just have to tell me. Please."
"Edward, this is absurd." I protested. "I will always love you. And I will always desire you. You know that."
"Then tell me. Please tell me, Bella. Tell me what happened." Desperation leaked in his voice. "Did I do something wrong just now? Was I too rough? Did I hurt you?"
I shook my head. No. Softly brushing through his curls.
"Then what is it, love?"
My heart was crushed when his voice broke. If he had been a human still, he probably would have been crying from the pure distress. And I would have cry right along with him. I was so sorry that I could not just say it. I was so sorry that he was so completely at my mercy.
I was the only one who could hurt him like this.
And I did it right at that moment.
It disgusted me. I was disgusted with myself.
"Please tell me." he pleaded. "Please, Bella."
I stared into his eyes for a long minute but shook my head.
I could not say it. Whatever desperation and insecurities he had now would only turn to deep grief. He had not had decades to learn to live with the loss. I knew he would be crushed. I knew it. And I could not bear to see his eyes lose their shine yet. I could not bear to see the pain he would be in once I told him.
And there would be no way to take back my words. Once I had told him I could only help him in his grief while my own wounds would surely reopen.
But at the same time guilt gnawed at my flesh.
Eating me from within like a parasite. Insatiable. And unstoppable.
I knew he had a right to know. I knew I was wrong to keep it from him. And I was so very close to breaking down and telling him. I was balancing on the edge of a knife and the slightest breath of wind would make me fall.
"Please," he whispered again.
I could not help the sob that escaped me. I clung to him. Kissing him. His chest, his neck and any skin I could reach as I wailed.
His face was full of horror as he took me into his arms, pulling my head to his chest and resting his head on mine. He rocked us back and forth. His hands stroked reassuringly against the back of my head. Cradling me.
"You know you can tell me." he murmured. "There is nothing you need to keep from me. I will understand. I promise you that I will understand."
"You would be sad." I sobbed.
"And now you are." He said against my hair. "What did we promise each other on our wedding day?"
I did not answer him.
"It was for better, for worse." He told me. "We promised each other that we would share both our triumphs and tragedies. How can I do right by my vow if you suffer alone? How can I help you if you will not tell me what hurt you so?"
I shook my head again and pulled myself closer to him.
"Bella, don't you trust me?"
"You know I do."
He leaned back and turned my head so that he could see my face; Brushing back loose strands of hair. "Then why won't you tell me?"
"I already told you." I frowned. "It will bring you pain."
"And you think seeing you suffer in my stead is better than anything you could tell me?" he asked calmly. "Bella, the worst imaginable thing to me is seeing you in pain and being unable to help. And as long as you will not tell me what happened I can't."
"You hold me." I said. "That is enough."
"No it's not." he shook his head. "It is like one band-aid on a sliced open stomach with guts spilling out."
"Let me be the judge of that."
His eyes were cautious as they flashed across my face. "No. You will tell me, love." his voice had an edge to it. "Now."
I desperately shook my head again. A last ditch effort. My resolve was crumbling before both our eyes. And Edward knew it.
He narrowed his eyes. Glaring at me. "Now."
I swallowed hard and dropped my head. Buried my face back in his chest and took a deep breath of his scent. "I was pregnant." I said so quietly that I was almost sure he had not heard me.
He pulled me closer. Crushing me to his chest. "Oh Bella." his voice was trembling.
I could feel him pressing his lips to my hair over and over again.
"It must have been a short time before you fell ill. I only realized after Dr. Cullen had taken you from me. And when I was changed my body froze." I confessed in between sobs.
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. Willing myself to calm my sobs. "I was carrying your baby. Our baby. And I will keep doing so forever."
"You- You mean-" Edward struggled with his words. "You mean it is still there?" he finally managed to choke out.
I nodded against his chest. "There has been no change ever since the day I woke to this second live. To be honest the baby was the only reason I even continued with my life until the end of December. I was prepared to die when they lowered your casket into the ground. I was dead inside by that point. But I felt as if I was in a trance after your death. I can not remember much of what I did in that time. I only snapped out of it when I found out that I was carrying your baby. And even though the sudden sharpness of my thoughts made the pain of your absence even worse and I started to think about ways to follow you, none of my attempts were made in earnest. I was always pulled back by your voice in my head and the guilt I felt at the thought that I would kill your child with myself. And I never could go through with it."
"Until the new year approached."
"Yes." I nodded. "When I woke up to this new life I thought it was my punishment by God. A fate worse than hell. Eternal suffering. Without a way to join you in heaven and without any hope to ever see the child that swole my body. And I mourned not only your death but your childs as well. I killed it." I trembled. "But with time I saw it as more of a gift. It meant that I had a piece of you with me wherever I went. It was in me. You were quite literally a part of me. A part that would never grow and become a person of its own but a part that would never be separated from me. A child can die. But I realized that I would never have to fear losing this last gift you gave me. Because if this child were to leave this world I would be dead as well. I learned to take comfort from that thought."
Edward tightened his embrace around me.
We sat like that for what felt like hours. Edwards' body wrapped around me as I clung to him. He stroked my hair and my back.
"Bella, will you promise me something?" His voice sounded strange after the extended silence beforehand.
"What do you want me to promise?" I asked cautiously.
"Never keep something like this from me again just to save me from pain. We are supposed to navigate situations like this together and we can not do that if you try to spare me. I would rather share your pain than watch you suffer alone." he said. "Always."
"I promise." I said solemnly.
He pulled back to press a kiss to my forehead. "I love you."
"I love you."
"Would you show me?" he asked.
I nodded shyly and lossend my hold on him even though I missed his embrace as soon as I left it. Scooting back on his lap I pulled off the sweater Alice had taken from Edwards drawers earlier that day. The fabric of the blue dress strained over my bump. I turned to lower the zipper of the dress as far as I could in my position on Edwards legs. Sliding down the dress I revealed my upper body. The fabric bunched in my lap and nothing was hidden from Edward's eyes.
His fingers softly trailed down the contours of my torso, brushing along my ribs and stroking across my swollen stomach. "Beautiful." he whispered, leaning in to place kisses on the bump.
He didn't speak as his fingers reverently moved over my skin. Barely touching. As if my stomach was suddenly as brittle as flower petals. But even so his hands left a trail of electricity.
"It's as if I have just now understood the delicacy of life," he told me quietly. "I sat in countless Biology classrooms and studied medicine twice and it is only now that I truly understand it. It's only now that it has any implications for me."
I smiled up at him. And I really looked at him then. His face was so intense. Somehow more so than I had ever seen before. A mixture of sadness and joy. Grief and admiration. Awe. Amazement.
And I knew it was right that I had shared this with him.
"This baby is a miracle. Even though we may never see it, we have created a life, Bella. Our love was so strong that something grew from it."
"I love you, Edward, more than anything."
He lowered his head, brushing his lips against mine. "As I love you. More than my own life."
And then he kissed me again. His mouth moved with mine and he pulled me closer. I could feel the contours of his body through his clothes. Gently he pushed me back into the grass. My hair fanned around me.
"Do you have any idea how beautiful you are, love?" he asked me without expecting an answer.
I moved my hands from the hair on his neck to his back. Tracing his spine through the fabric of his shirt. It took me a moment to unbutton it but it joined my sweater in a pile next to us and our upper bodies of us moaned softly at the feeling.
It was such an overwhelming sensation to feel his velvet skin against mine. I returned my arms to his neck and pulled him into another searing kiss.
We traded touches and kisses as well as words of love until there we became a loose tangling of limbs. Lost in moans, growls and kisses.
We rediscovered each other's bodies. Tracing every angle and curve.
And then we started to move together again. Joining our bodies as they had last been connected a hundred years ago.
Hours turned into seconds as we worshiped the other and before we knew it the sun rose once again. Reminding us of the duty we had to Edward's family.
After we came together a final time we stayed in each other's embrace until the sun appeared over the treetops and then helped each other back into our clothing.
Once again I left the sanctuary of our meadow with a heavy heart. Our kingdom had a magic to it that made the moments spent there significant. It was a place where we could be together as we truly were.
