Chapter 5

The sound of our rooster crowing woke me, and I rolled over and moaned, tiredness fighting to stay in my body. The early morning light coming in through my window gave the room a golden glow, a bit too bright for my liking, as I blinked and stretched. A sniffing wet nose promptly shoving into my face caused me to flinch instinctively, even though it had happened nearly every morning for the past five years.

"Trigger! Aghh haha!" I had to laugh in spite of the dog slobber.

My shepherd snuck in another lick between my arms on my face, before backing away and sitting, giving out a small whine.

"I know you're hungry, boy. Me too."

I rose up on one elbow, lifting the covers with the other arm to swing my legs out and sit upright. The smell of bacon and eggs sneaking under my door to my nose immediately caused me to be much more awake.

Is GRANDPA cooking breakfast? He never does that!

I hurriedly found some clothes to change into, a red t-shirt and the same flared jeans, then opened my door and followed the dog downstairs. The scene that reached my eyes as I descended the last steps and peered into the kitchen, was certainly one to behold. There were indeed bacon and eggs frying on the stove, plus toast stacked on a plate, but it wasn't Grandpa running the operation...

"Paprika, B.A.! I need paprika! That's red pepper flakes!"

"Well, how was I supposed to know!? They're both red, fool!"

"One is tiny, and one is less tiny!"

"Your brain is MORE tiny, sucker!"

Murdock and B.A. stood in the kitchen, Murdock wearing a chef's hat made of newspaper and waving a spatula at the other man to emphasize his need for paprika, and B.A. looking annoyed as he put the pepper flakes back into the open cupboard in front of him and kept searching for the paprika.

"Crazy fool... Why you need paprika anyways?!"

"FOR MY EGGS!" Murdock threw his hands in the air, then caught sight of me entering the kitchen.

"Miss Mae," he said a with softer tone, suddenly his voice changing to a smooth, British accent. "Where might you have paprika? I find it gives a marvelous touch of flavor on the eggs."

I fought back a snicker at the scene I had witnessed as I stepped up between the two men and reached into the cupboard. I pulled out the jar of paprika from the back and held it up triumphantly.

"By Jove, I think she's got it! Yes, I think she's got it!"

Murdock bent at the waist to bow and graciously received the jar from me. I heard B.A. scowl behind me before retreating into the living room, and Murdock's mischievous brown eyes shot a triumphant glare at his teammate. He then straightened and deftly sprinkled paprika over the scrambled eggs, then placed them beside bacon and toast on plates waiting on the counter. Lighter footsteps entering the kitchen were followed by a feminine voice.

"Good morning! Smells delicious in here, Murdock."

Amy Allen's voice caused the pilot and I to turn to acknowledge her, and I noticed Murdock's posture change again, leaning suavely against the stove and waving the spatula gracefully through the air. His British accent returned as he greeted her.

"My dear, what you smell is the result of fine cooking by one Howling Mad Murdock, who has just finished preparing this fine cuisine."

Amy flashed a smile at him, then peered around to see the plates.

"Oh, bacon and eggs! Yum!"

Murdock swept up a plate and presented it to her with the same bow he used to receive the paprika from me.

"For you, Miss Allen, with all the trimmings!"

Amy accepted the plate with a small curtsy, mirroring his prim and proper act, but I caught sight of a small blush on her cheeks.

"Why thank you, Chef Murdock! It's lovely! Mae, can we carry all the plates to the table?"

I broke out of my grin at their interaction when she said my name.

"Yeah sure! I'll grab some silverware too."

We set the table within minutes, and Grandpa emerged slowly from his bedroom underneath the stairs, straightening his suspender straps and yawning, as his eyes hungrily stared at the food. He poured himself a cup of coffee before sitting, and as we started eating I noticed next to me that Amy's eggs were in somewhat of a heart-shape, presumably a subtle effort from Murdock to show his feelings.

Murdock, sitting across from Amy, stole glances at her as she ate, probably wondering if she'd noticed the heart-shape. My mouth curved upward at the sweetness of two people in love but unaware of each other's feelings, and I wondered if Mom and Dad ever went through that. Did Dad ever tease her? ... Make hearts out of everyday things for her? ... Sing with her on piano?

"... Mae? Please pass the salt and pepper? Mae?"

Grandpa's voice interrupted my thoughts, and I realized I had paused in eating and was staring at the table in thought. I raised my eyes to see everyone looking at me expectantly, making me flush.

"Oh! Sorry. Here you go."

I quickly passed the seasonings and grabbed my fork to resume eating, embarrassed by my tuning out at the table. I made quick work of my eggs and was halfway through my bacon when a knock and the sound of the front door opening caught all our ears. Trigger lept up and sounded off a warning bark, but as soon as he saw who entered he changed to a wagging tail and smile. It was Hannibal and Faceman, back early!
I leapt from my chair and nearly fell over when my foot caught on a leg, as Hannibal and Face approached through the kitchen into the dining area. Everyone else paused their eating too and stared in anticipation. We hadn't expected them back till tomorrow! My excitement faded as I noticed the colonel's serious expression: bad news. My blue eyes stared into his, pleading for whatever news he brought to be good, that he had found my father!...

"Kid, I'm sorry... we didn't find your father," Hannibal began gently. "We were able to track down a few people who went to the same college as your mother, but they didn't have any useful information."

My ears felt like they were roaring with the silence after his sentence, and all my hopes for their mission to be successful were ripped away from me. Face put a hand on my shoulder.

"It doesn't mean there's no hope, Mae."

... But how can there be any hope?...

"... We had to stop and come back because someone in Boston tipped off the military police. If we had had more time, we might have been able to -"

"It's fine." I interrupted him, shrugging off his hand. "Thank you for trying."

I kept as blank a face as I could, stuffing my emotions deep down and retreating to my own little world inside my mind, where I could hide from the harsh reality. Something I had begun doing after Mom died, and I never seemed to be able to stop it once it started. The others exchanged glances and gave me sympathetic looks, but I stayed stoic, despite feeling a tear trying to make its way down my cheek.

Amy stepped to my side but didn't touch me, which I was grateful for.

"Mae, there are still things I can do from my end as a reporter. People I can interview, resources I can tap into. There is still hope."

Her gentle voice finally made me glance up at her briefly, wanting to - no, needing to - hang onto something, any shred of hope that was left. I felt my mind retreating from the depths for the first time, cautiously returning to the real world.

"You think so?" I asked timidly, and she smiled at me. I could sense the others letting out breaths they had been holding in, probably appreciating the feminine touch Amy brought the situation. Amy nodded, and I looked at Grandpa, almost sure I saw a tear glistening in his eyes.

I swiped away one of my own that had escaped my eye, then took a deep breath in and out, releasing my built-up stress. Trigger's body leaning against my legs helped too, and I was grateful when Murdock broke the silence by offering Hannibal and Face breakfast, then everyone resumed eating and small talk, making me feel more at ease even though I had lost my appetite.

After breakfast was cleaned up, Amy still had more information to gather about my parents, so we sat in the living room while Grandpa and I did our best to share anything else we might have forgotten that could be useful, though it was in short supply. Hannibal stood gazing out the big living room window, but I could tell he was listening to our conversation. B.A. was laying on the floor of the kitchen in front of the sink with his torso underneath the counter, trying to fix our garbage disposal that hadn't functioned in years. Murdock was handing him tools, but also must have been spouting some crazy stories, because occasionally B.A.'s aggravated tone could be heard muffled from inside the cupboard. Face and Amy sat with Grandpa and I, and Trigger's head rested on my knee. The week's events had left me so drained that I was just tired of being so serious and strong and sad. It must have showed in my expression, because Face suddenly interrupted Amy's rapid-fire questions for a break.

"Why don't we take a break and relax some, huh?" He asked as he gave Amy a meaningful look, then stood up and approached our piano, lifting the key cover.

"May I?" He looked at me, then smiled when I nodded. I didn't know any of them were musical, so I was interested to hear him play.

He started playing some popular tune I'd heard on the radio, probably learned by ear judging by the few mistakes here and there, but I was impressed. I was shocked when from the kitchen a man's singing voice rang out loud and clear, in flawless key. Snapping his fingers and grooving his body to the piano rhythm, Captain Murdock appeared in the doorway singing the song Face played while waving a wrench dramatically through the air. The song picked up pace and so did Murdock, changing rhythm with the music effortlessly, and bopping with the beat. He finished off with a long note, holding out his arm in emphasis, then gave a dramatic bow. Everyone clapped and Amy and I cheered with enthusiasm.

"Wow! I didn't know you guys could do that!" I exclaimed.

They really were full of surprises! It was also nice to hear someone else play besides myself, since Grandpa didn't play. Face stood and bowed also, then gestured towards me.

"Mae, why don't you take over? I'm a bit rusty, and you play better than I do."

"Yeah, that's for sure!" Murdock commented, receiving a frown from Face that the pilot returned with a sarcastic smirk.

"Hey man! Where's my wrench?!" B.A.'s voice called out from the other room.

"Duty calls!"

The singing soldier ran back to the kitchen, humming the song Face had played, and I got up from the couch and went slowly to the piano.

"What should I play? Most of the songs I know are ones Mom wrote."

I touched the keys uncertainly.

"Then play one of her songs," Hannibal said matter-of-factly from the window. I grinned and settled my fingers on the keys, played through a gentle intro then began singing:

"Your smile plays like a movie in my mind

Feels like you've always been here in my life

Your voice is like a song, I can't forget you

And I never want to let you go

I just want to let you know

You make me laugh a little louder

You make me dream a little bigger

My life is so much sweeter

'Cause you make me

You make me better

We hold so many mem'ries in our hearts

So close even if we're far apart

Standing on the edge of new beginnings

I can't wait to see just what you'll do

And every time I think of you

You make me laugh a little louder

You make me dream a little bigger

My life is so much sweeter

'Cause you make me...

Better than I would have been without you

Better than I've ever been before

I treasure every moment we're together

Just for now

Let me tell you how...

You make me laugh a little louder

You make me dream a little bigger

My life is so much sweeter because

You make me breathe a little deeper

You make me sing a little stronger

My life is so much sweeter

'Cause you make me

You make me better

You make me better."

[Author's note: I do not own any rights to this song. It was written by J.J. Heller and can be heard here: watch?v=f9VBufHvEUk ]

"... Jackie? Is that you?"

My fingers slipped and banged the keys as my heart lept into my throat at the sound of my mother's name being spoken.

I turned to see Murdock standing in the doorframe, a faraway look in his eyes as he stared at me with wide, unblinking brown eyes. I returned the stare, unsure if I had actually heard him say Mom's name or something else. A quick glance at the others told me something was amiss, and as Murdock suddenly took a step towards me I stood and quickly backed away from the piano. I wasn't necessarily afraid but concerned. His face held an expression like he was in a trance, staring right through me but also like he was in complete earnest. Was he hallucinating? Like he did with his dog Billy?

"No, Murdock, it's me... Mae." I said cautiously.

His eyes fluttered, like blinking away the trance, but strayed to the piano, then back at me, then around the room. It almost seemed like he didn't know where he was.

"Murdock, are you okay?" Face came to his side, concerned, but his friend seemed not to hear him.

"That song," Murdock began slowly, desperate eyes returning to searching mine. "... I know... that song..."

Now I was even more confused. How on earth would he know my mother's song? I'd never played it for them before, not even hummed it. Suddenly I felt my blood run cold inside me as a suspicion raced across my mind.

"How - how do you know that song?" I asked, almost afraid of the answer.

All eyes in the room were on Murdock, who was a shell of the goofy, singing man he was just minutes ago. His face was pale, and he momentarily wavered before putting a hand out to steady himself against the doorway. Finally he swallowed and then answered me, his voice just a whisper.

"She - Jackie - she played that for me the night before... before I left for 'Nam."

It was my turn to stare at him in shock. He KNEW my mother?! But... that song was written for my father. Wait, then that would mean...

Another wave of adrenaline coursed through my system, and I had to steady my own self against the piano.

"Did you know my mother?" I asked evenly, trying my hardest to keep my voice from shaking.

Murdock didn't answer, just kept staring at my face as if he had never seen me before. He opened his mouth a couple times but no words came out, then finally it came out no more than a whisper.

"I know her - I mean, I knew her." He closed his eyes and did a quick shake of his head, as if trying to clear his thoughts. "We were in love, we..."

His eyes flew open in a look of shocked realization, and in that instant I knew what his next words would be. And I dreaded them.

"Mae... I'm your daddy." His expression softened, and tears filled his eyes. "I - I see it now... you look... so much like her... how did I miss that?"

I felt like the world around me was crashing down in a silence so deafening I wanted to scream. How was this possible?! My vision blurred except for Murdock's face, and I felt like I might vomit. I detected Hannibal standing next to me suddenly, addressing Murdock.

"Murdock, what's going on? You mean to say you knew her mother, all this time and said nothing?"

The pilot didn't respond, his gaze still locked onto my face, and for some reason I couldn't break away either, trapped in this terrible moment.

"Captain!" Hannibal clipped, snapping Murdock and I both out of the moment. "Why didn't you say something?"

Murdock broke the eye contact first to acknowledge his superior officer.

"I...I..." He fumbled, then took in a short breath let out in a helpless shrug. "... I forgot."

It was then that I felt something snap violently inside of me, and my fury was aimed at the man before me claiming to be my father.

"You forgot?!" The anger erupted within me as I spat out the words at the top of my lungs. "How could you forget her?! She loved you! She waited for you to come home! She never gave up hope, and you couldn't be bothered to remember?!"

Tears choked my voice out, and before I could risk myself doing something stupid, I pushed past the A-Team and my grandfather who had approached during my outburst. My feet took me running through the kitchen and out the door, slamming it behind me before Trigger could follow. I could hear him whining and barking as I tugged my bike free of where it leaned against a bush and hopped on, racing towards the one place I just had to get to. I could hardly see because of the tears of hurt and anger streaming down my face, but I knew the route by heart.

It can't be! Not Murdock! How could this happen?!

As soon as I reached my destination I nearly fell off my bike, letting it tip over onto the grass. A few stumbled steps forward and I was there, at Mom's grave, and I finally crumbled into a heap of tears and despair.

All the wondering. All the years of hope my mother had for my father's return. All the hope I had in the A-Team to find him.

And what did I find?... My father is a patient of a psychiatric ward who FORGOT about my mother, whom he had pledged to marry after the war!

How could he forget her?!

Images of my mother flooded my mind as the tears and snot flowed freely down my face. Her soft wavy blonde hair, her smile that laughed up into her eyes, her gentle touch. The way she would sing with her heart as she played the love songs she had written about my dad, not knowing he would never return to her. That he had forgotten her...

I laid on the ground with my head nearest her, reaching a hand up to her name chiseled in the cold stone, and all faded to black as I passed out, completely spent of all strength and will.