The cold stole my breath away, forcing me to fight desperately for the surface amid a curtain of bubbles and chunks of ice. Something massive displaced water behind me, rocking and disorienting me as it plunged downward. Blessing the bubbles for knowing where to go, I surfaced with a desperate gasp of frigid air. I ripped the now saturated cloth off, as it kept a layer of water over my face and mouth. My clothes and armor were rapidly growing heavy as I swam to the edge of the hole and tried to haul myself out. But, as with every time a dragon had broken the ice, the fractured edge couldn't support me. I was dumped back into the drink.
A curse on this icy land! I have to get out! Can't keep my supplies… too heavy… too cold... I surfaced again, struggling free of my now completely waterlogged pack of supplies. It would suck rotten guar eggs to lose half of everything we had, plus my bear fur sleep roll, food, and map, but I would just have to make do. Priorities, priorities, priorities. I immediately felt lighter as my pack fell away, though no stronger.
A strong current pulled heavily at my body and I fought against it as best I could. If I was dragged under the ice, I could drown, or worse, be helplessly aware as I went over the edge of the nearby waterfall.
Hyena scat! The waterfall! I struggled harder to get to the edge of the ice, cursing all and sundry when my body responded with a sluggishness that was rapidly getting worse. I had only been a few yards from the waterfall's edge when the dragon crashed head-first through the ice behind me. The water here was plenty deep enough for the dragon, but the current was also damned determined at this point. If I didn't get my shivering Redguard butt out of this water...
I heaved myself up a second time, my body feeling like lead as my armor and underclothes were now thoroughly soaked. Again the ice broke beneath me, but a hand seized my flailing arm and hauled me upwards.
My eyes met Serana's as she lifted me out of the water with vampiric strength, her feet planted on the fractured ice as solidly as stone.
Divines bless Volkihar ice powers! I thought with a weak swell of relief.
"Come on!" she ordered desperately as she dragged me toward safer footing.
Through a haze of cold and exhaustion, I was barely aware of the ice crunching beneath her feet, but not giving way despite our double weight. I worked my legs feebly, but I was shivering so hard that I couldn't get any of my limbs to coordinate.
We got to more solid ice, and I was dimly aware of another crash of ice farther away. Whether that was a dragon landing or surfacing, I didn't know anymore. I couldn't concentrate on the concepts. My legs weren't supporting me, and I collapsed immediately as soon as Serana set me down. The words of power had already drained my stamina. The shock of the lake water, my desperate swim with my armor plus supplies, and the icy cold air around me were just too much. I shivered violently with cold as the world slid out of focus before me. My vision then dimmed and grew dark around the edges.
I managed to a weak, shivering, "S-s-sorry, S-Serana. I c-c-can't..." before I collapsed flat on the ice, my shaking fading away to an almost eerie stillness.
.
I came back to consciousness slowly, my thoughts hazy and disconnected. The world faded in and out several times before I was able to focus on a roaring fire that loomed in the near distance. I was stripped completely naked, wrapped in a sleep roll that seemed to be hot enough to ignite, and an equally searing heat in the shape of a human body was pressed against my back.
I sucked in a shuddering breath, then let it out in a groan. My body began to shake again, despite my efforts to stop.
"Lasirah?!" Serana's voice was near desperate relief behind me. My hazy thoughts managed to connect that somehow, some way, Serana had gotten me back to the camp and set about warming me up.
"H-hot," I stuttered.
"No, no you're not." Serana tightened her grip to keep me from climbing out of the blankets.
I wasn't sure if it was her vampiric strength, or me just being that weak, but she didn't seem to be putting all that much effort into keeping me in place.
She continued; "The blankets are only warm. Barely blood temperature. You're just so cold that it feels hot. Here, drink this," the mouth of a bottle touched my lips and I managed to take a mouth full of the potion. The familiar taste of a potion of Resist Cold washed easily over my tongue and down my throat. It trailed the feeling of hot coals all the way down before spreading to sear its way through my veins. For the first time in my life, the beloved potion actually hurt going down.
"Ow," I gasped with the first swallow.
"I know. Please try to drink it all," she persisted.
"How…" I murmured, once I had managed to finish it off. "How did we get here?" The heat that was spilling through me felt like too much and not enough at the same time.
"It wasn't easy," came the reply, as she pulled my still shivering body firmly against the heat of her own. Once she had settled me, she began rubbing warm hands over my upper body to help work heat back into my body. "Let's skip the details and focus on getting you in a more stable condition."
I tried to relax against Serana, my hazy thoughts gently amazed that she was sharing her sleep roll with me. For that matter, they were also amazed that she was handling having my body pressed to hers without the usual fear that always came to her eyes.
"Durnehviir?" I murmured, when my thoughts drifted in that direction.
"Gone back to the Soul Cairn hours ago," Serana admitted. "The fight lasted for quite a while. He took to the skies sometime later and circled for a while before returning. I would guess that the fight is not only over, but the two other dragons are dead."
"'Kay," I murmured, feeling exhaustion tug at me again, but not daring to go to sleep. "Sorry."
"For?" her hands were still working over me efficiently, trailing warmth in their wake. One of her legs was hooked gently over mine, forming a path of heat against my right leg, which felt like a side of beef in the butcher's cold room.
"Losing my sleep roll. Forcing you to share yours with me. M'probably pushing past a lot of your comfort boundaries."
Her hands faltered only briefly, then continued, "Don't worry about that. Worry about yourself. You almost died out there. I was barely able to get a potion down your throat, while we were on the ice, to stabilize you for long enough to get you here. You're in my sleep roll by my choice, so I can hardly complain." Her hands finished their massage over my hips, then she pressed herself flush against me.
We were both quiet for a moment or two longer, and then she spoke again, her words quieter. "I almost lost you, and that scares me more than anything else the future might bring."
I blinked in surprise and turned to look at her. She resisted only briefly, until she realized my motion wasn't to move away. Her arms immediately settled around my back as I met her gaze. Catching my questioning look, she gave me a slightly lopsided smile.
"I know. It's…" she paused, gathering her thoughts. Her hands were still wandering over my back as my shivering slowly eased in the heat caused by the two of us. "It's weird. I'm not… I'm not afraid. For the first time in my life, my mind isn't screaming 'threat.'" She paused, then said softly, "Please don't take that the wrong way... I…"
I touched a finger gently to her lips. "No. I'm glad. It gives me hope that you're healing, a little."
Serana gave me a tiny smile, then reached out of the sleep roll. I could hear her hand blindly rummaging in her pack before coming back with a packed meal.
"Is it that time?"
"Whether it is or not, I want you to eat it. You lost a lot of energy, and you need food to help your body warm itself after your impromptu swim.
"Yeah… Redguards aren't exactly prime examples of withstanding cold." I gnawed on a bite of the meat, feeling the seasoned beef soften in my mouth.
"Nords are tougher, hardier, and at least partially immune to cold weather. Back before... Well, before, some of the courtiers liked to jump into holes in the ice as they boasted of their immunity to the ladies of the court."
I couldn't help but giggle at the idea of a young Nord man stripping to a loincloth and jumping into freezing water to impress a woman. I could only shake my head and mutter, "Two-inch sausage and a pair of cherries," before taking a bite of cheese to follow the meat.
Serana burst out laughing before managing to say, "Precisely."
We settled into a more comfortable silence as I ate, taking care to brush crumbs out of our cocoon of warmth. My shivering had eased, and I finally felt almost-comfortable temperature-wise, but exhausted. Thankfully, whatever magic the dragon's words had cast on me seemed to have faded away, leaving only normal weariness in its wake.
Hesitantly, Serana asked, "Lasirah? Are there… um... words for what you are? You know… attracted to women?"
"Sure," I said. "Though they may vary from language to language. I admit I don't know the words in basic Cyrodilic, but back in my village, all the young teens were taught by a snowy-muzzled old Khajiit. They're much less reserved about that kind of thing than humans tend to be."
I polished off the last bite of cheese and the last bite of meat and bread together. The memory of the sandwich in Eldergleam grove spilled into my mind before I returned to the present.
"In Ta'agra, they use uthevi ari, meaning 'opposite love' for those who like people of the opposite gender. For women who like women, or men who like men, tatami ari, or 'same love' is used. There's qo ari, or 'two love' who like both," Serana looked deeply thoughtful as I explained. "Finally, for those who are attracted to the person, not the particular gender, there's "person love"; ahz ari. There are probably more words for all the many different kinds. I'm just going over the very basic concepts, mind. The wise, old cat explained that just as a person's skin ranges through all sorts of colors, so too does their attraction. He used the imagery of a wooden bead sliding from one end of a string to the other, to explain how attraction and love work."
"Do people usually… just know where they are on the string?" Her voice was hesitant.
I shook my head, "Nah. Some, like me, know as soon as they have a basic understanding of what love is, which can be in childhood. Some realize it in their teens, when hormones kick into overdrive and they see who they gravitate toward. Some, not until adulthood. It varies all over the place."
"Might I be...uthevi ari too?" her voice was small.
"Maybe?" I shrugged. "Keep in mind that these are words you must choose for yourself, because they feel right." I gave a little laugh and quoted, in the old cat's accent; "Any Alfiq will tell you that they will always prefer the box that one climbs into, over the box one is forced into."
Serana's expression became thoughtful, and her gaze drifted off into the distance. "I'm not sure," she murmured.
"That's okay too." The words came easily, but I could see something dark and unnamed slide through her eyes.
Her next words brought that dark thing into the light. "...After… After Molag…"
I caught her chin gently. "What Molag did has nothing to do with it," I said the words firmly, refusing to break gazes. "Where you are on the string is a personal feeling. Even if you spent the last four thousand years with a parade of men, it won't change the fact that you prefer women, if that is a genuine feeling for you."
She swallowed hard and nodded, and I let go as gently as I had caught her. I took a deep breath in, and let it out slowly. Divines curse you to Oblivion, Harkon! You're supposed to teach your daughter about love, not abuse her and groom her for a monster's pleasure! I snarled silently. And may Molag Baal suffer four thousand years of humiliating defeats, too!
When my anger slowed, I pointed out, "Serana, if you are curious... genuinely curious, and just want to explore your interests, I am happy to help you. If you want something more intimate and solid, we can do that too. I've never hidden from you that I find you attractive. And I've also never hidden from you that I won't act without your consent."
Her arms tightened briefly in a slight hug, "I know. And you've kept that promise. I think… I think that's why I feel safe with you. When I had no boundaries, you created them yourself, and took it upon yourself to respect them. I've never had that before."
This time, my furious growl was audible and she hugged me again. "Thank you," she murmured. "Thank you for caring enough to be angry on my behalf. You were, right from the beginning, weren't you?"
"Yes."
The single, simple word brought an expression of quiet joy to her face.
We lay still, together, for a little while. Finally, shyly, she said, "I would like to try, with you. I would like to explore. If… if we go slow… I think I would like to learn."
