Japanifornia courthouse, 17th October 2020 09:45
The siblings sat in the waiting room, waiting for their 11:00 trial to start. Uri had hoped to play a prank on his older sister by setting the clocks an hour forward so she would be early to work. Unfortunately for him, that meant that he had to tag along with her, so he also got to "enjoy" staring at a professionally maintained yet dull wall for the next seventy-five minutes.
His sister, Lucy Aether, had just passed the bar exam and was now a public defender. Today was her first case. She'd hoped to go over the case files with her client, but he was running a bit late as his car had exploded. She was stuck looking after her annoying brother instead to pass the time.
"Sis, what do girls like?" Uri asked desperately.
"We are not having this conversation again, Uri," Lucy scolded him. "I'm your sister, not your dating coach."
"But I haven't had my first kiss yet, and I'm 16," Uri sobbed.
"Wow, sucks to be you," Lucy replied as she browsed her notes once more.
"Let's see, Ka Boom, 32, female, found in the debris of her car on the morning of the 13th. The car was an Edison motors brand, notorious for exploding at random. My client, Mlon Eusk is being charged with manslaughter due to his involvement in distributing the…"
"Did somebody say Mlon Eusk?" Mlon Eusk screamed, causing everyone in the waiting room to stare at him with bemused eyes.
"Of course I did, I'm your fucking lawyer," Lucy responded. "Get over yourself, because I'm going to be saying your name a whole lot today."
Mlon Eusk was a tall and overweight man with brown hair that he insisted wasn't a transplant. The CEO of Edison motors, he'd fallen on hard times, and his cars had fallen on hard times, because they all exploded. Somehow nobody had died in one of them. Until October the 13th.
"I really wish that I hadn't lost all of my money," Mlon sulked. "Now how am I going to transport everyone to Mars?"
"What's wrong with Earth?" Lucy scoffed.
"Shut up, sis," Uri sulked. "Mlon is a genius. He invented the internet, electric powered vehicles, social media, credit cards, and space travel."
Mlon smiled and high-fived Uri. Lucy rolled her eyes and continued to browse her files.
"So, I know it's your first day and all, but humanity depends on you acquitting me," Mlon said. "If I don't become a billionaire again, the WEF will plant microchips in everyone's brains, turn us all transgender, and we won't be able to repopulate and save mankind."
"Are you high?" Lucy asked the man.
"I only did a few lines," Mlon admitted. "It's not like it's illegal, right?"
"It is, possession of cocaine can carry several years in prison."
"Oh, fuck."
"Is that how you get your inspiration?" Uri asked Mlon.
"No, my genius mind is how I get my inspiration," Mlon responded. "Colombian candy just helps me work late at night."
As the three argued about dating, buying social media companies, alimony, political viewpoints, and briefly touched on Mlon's charges, the barrister called them into the courtroom. Shivering, Lucy clutched her files and walked inside, just hoping that her mentor's teaching had helped her.
Japanifornia courtroom, 17th October 2020 11:01
In the courtroom were a bunch of black silhouettes randomly muttering gibberish to each other like members of a low-res eldritch cult. Lucy and Uri took their seats at the defense's bench as Mlon sat in the corner, making posts on social media.
"The court is now in fuckin' session," growled the Judge. Instead of slamming the gavel on his bench, he smashed his fists against his chest, causing a shockwave to go through the room. His beard went down to his chest and he was completely bald, as all judges should be, even female judges.
"I've got a wee game oof golf after this, so hurry it up," the Judge scoffed. "Is the defense ready?"
"I'm ready," Lucy blushed.
"I'm going to do great," Uri beamed.
"Well, at least one of us is optimistic," Lucy muttered.
The Judge, who was named Duncan Daemoal, turned to the prosecutor.
"Are ye fuckin' ready?" he asked the prosecutor.
The prosecutor smirked, took a puff of his pipe, and stared at Daemoal. He was a moderately attractive middle aged man in a bright white suit with platinum blond hair.
"If I wasn't ready, I wouldn't have turned up," he smiled.
Daemoal howled with laughter as he pounded his chest. "Ye're what I like to see. Someone with confidence. I'm almost tempted to rule in your favor right now!"
"I wouldn't complain if you did," the prosecutor chuckled. He turned to Lucy. "We're going to be seeing each other a lot, so we might as well introduce ourselves. I'm Nick Cash, I'm here to win this case."
Lucy glared. "I'm Lucy Aether," public defender. "I'm here to punish your hubris."
"Always liked a challenge, kid," Nick smiled. "And I mean that sincerely. It's more exciting when I have to fight for a victory."
A teenage girl walked into the courtroom. She had blond hair like her father, and was wearing a scout's sash over her light blue dress. Lucy elbowed Uri in the side to break his gaze on the girl.
"What was that for?" Uri whined. "I was looking at the wall, honest."
The girl walked up to Nick, gave him a hug, then stared at the two defense attorneys. Uri blushed and waved at her.
"Pops, it's not too late to give the opening statement, is it?" the girl asked.
"Go ahead, Nicky," Nick smiled, as he ruffled his daughter's hair. Nicky playfully punched him in the shoulder.
"Oi, that's fuckin' assault. Ye do that again and ye get disbarred," Daemoal yelled.
Nicky chuckled and stared at everyone in the room as she opened her mouth to speak.
"What is manslaughter?" she asked rhetorically. "The court describes it as the act of unintentionally killing another human being. While not as severe as murder, it is still a serious crime. The defendant, Mlon Eusk, produced cars with obvious defects, cars that he knew were prone to explosions."
"Bullshit!" Mlon yelled out. Nick stepped in.
"Objection!" I would like to introduce Edison Lawsuits into the court record," Nick yelled as he pointed his finger at Mlon. "According to this civil case, Mlon admitted on the stand that he was aware that his cars had not been properly tested, hence why he lost the lawsuit! This explosion is just another consequence of his actions."
"OBJECTION!" Lucy screamed. "This evidence is from a completely different case, and only serves to paint a negative portrayal of my client from the very start. I petition for your honor to deem it as inadmissible and only refer to the evidence gathered at the scene of the crime or during this trial."
"I don't give a fuck! OVERRULED!" Daemoal yelled as he penalized Lucy. Nick chuckled.
Lucy looked aghast at the decision. Uri patted her back but she just frowned at him. He slowly removed his hand and gazed at Nicky.
"With a history of defects, verified negligence on the part of Mlon, and the fact that the death was purely a result of Ka Boom, the victim of this case's car, we as the prosecution urge for Mlon to be punished for his crimes. His negligence and greed caused an innocent woman's life to be cut short," Nicky concluded. Nick high-fived her. "I am so getting a scout's badge for this," Nicky said to herself.
"Damn right you are, Nicky," Nick chuckled.
"Oi, that was fuckin' brilliant!" Daemoal howled. "Ye defense ninnies have no chance of refuting that. I hereby announce that the defendant, Mlon Eusk is…"
"HOLD IT!" Uri screamed. "The defense has every right to respond to the prosecution's claims. We have no way of knowing that the car exploded because of defects other than the fact that similar events have happened. For all we know, an external party could have tampered with the vehicle, using recent controversies to make it look like an accident."
"Wow, that was pretty good," Lucy smiled.
"Do you think Nicky thinks so too?" Uri asked his sister hopefully.
"She's out of your league, both in ability and looks," Lucy responded. She then turned back to the courtroom. "I would like to call the detective who investigated the scene to the stand. There's some things I'd like clarified."
"Ach, yer ruinin' me golf day," Daemoal scoffed. "But I suppose I can make an exception. But this better be good."
"And here I was thinking today would be easy," Nick sighed.
Japanifornia courtroom, 17th October 2020 11:47
A shirtless man stormed into the room and onto the witness stand. He had a mullet, tattoos of eagles and the United States flag, as well as two firearms holstered in his jeans that could tear through everyone in the courtroom with ease.
"I'm here to serve this community, and all of its legal residents," the detective announced. "The name is Sam McFreedom, bringer of justice, liberty, and badassery, packaged in 100 percent pure American." He then picked up one of his guns, yodeled, and shot a hole in the roof.
"OBJECTION!" Lucy screamed. "Discharging firearms inside a government building is a serious felony!"
"Nay, that was fuckin' cool," Daemoal laughed. "OVERRULED!"
"Whatever," Lucy grumbled. "Can I have your testimony about the scene, detective?"
Sam nodded and flexed his muscles before starting his testimony.
The scene of the crime
The scene was not a pretty sight.
A woman, Ka Boom, I believe, was found blown up inside her car. The burns to her body were pretty brutal.
There were car parts everywhere. All three of the engines were scattered all over the vehicle.
It's clear that Mlon Eusk's negligence led to this horrible event.
It's probably because he's South African.
Lucy stared dumbfounded at the detective's testimony. "This guy is a fucking moron," she whispered to Uri. Uri nodded.
"The defence calls for the right to cross-examine the detective," Lucy replied.
"Ach, fine, ye ninny," Daemoal moaned.
With a newfound burst of confidence, Lucy turned to Detective McFreedom, ready to tear apart his argument like the car tore apart Boom.
It's probably because he's South African.
"Objection!" Lucy yelled. "Eusk's nationality has nothing to do with his crime. "I demand that this racist remark is removed from the testimony.
"OBJECTION!" McFreedom responded. "We are currently fighting terrorists in the Middle East, terrorists who want us dead. It's not a stretch to say that Eusk could be working for those terrorists, as he is also not American. Besides, terrorists use explosions to kill people, and Boom was killed with an explosion."
"OBJECTION!" Nick shouted. "That argument is absurd. We as the prosecution have far more sustainable arguments supporting our case and will not have it diluted with xenophobic bullshit."
"Ach, but I'm racist against the Irish!" Daemoal scoffed. "There's nothing wrong with a wee bit of racism."
The questioning continued.
It's clear that Mlon Eusk's negligence led to this horrible event.
"HOLD IT!" Lucy yelled. "You're proposing a theory as if it has been definitively proven. It's clear that there is still reasonable doubt left in this case."
"Well, I'm just using the evidence from the civil case that was presented by our very own prosecutor," McFreedom retorted.
"GODDAMN IT, NICK!" Lucy screamed. "My first trial is inside a kangaroo court!"
"I hate Australia," McFreedom said. "A trial USA, can't spell Australia without it. That's why the founding fathers named it that."
"Maybe we should go down another line of questioning?" Uri asked. "It's clear everyone but us has made up their mind that Mlon is the killer."
Lucy nodded and proceeded to cross-examine another claim.
There were car parts everywhere. All three of the engines were scattered all over the vehicle.
"HOLD IT!" Lucy asked. "Can you repeat that claim?"
McFreedom rolled his eyes and repeated his statement, intentionally drawing it out with an exaggerated Southern drawl. He flexed his muscles to empathise with punctuation. If he wasn't such a butterface, Lucy might have been impressed.
"Could we add Three engines into the court record?" Lucy asked.
"Why wasn't I told about this point? This is a serious inconsistency!" Nick asked aggressively to McFreedom. "Your salary is getting cut after this trial."
McFreedom started to sweat, and grasped at his guns nervously.
"I don't know anything about cars," McFreedom blushed. "I drive a pickup truck, like a real man. I also don't wear seatbelts or stop at traffic lights. Hell, I even got police sirens put on the pickup, so now it's an official police vehicle."
"Committing crimes while using government vehicles increases the severity of the violations," Lucy responded.
"Not shutting the fuck up increases the severity of my anger," McFreedom re-responded.
Lucy momentarily backed down as Daemoal allowed the evidence to be introduced into the court.
"Good job, sis," Uri smiled.
"Finally, a clear inconsistency," Lucy laughed. "We just need to press this statement one more time."
There were car parts everywhere. All three of the engines were scattered all over the vehicle.
"OBJECTION!" Lucy shouted. "Why the hell would the victim have three engines in a car?"
"Maybe she liked collecting them?" McFreedom shrugged.
"Let's add the Crime scene photo into evidence," Lucy yelled. "I'd like to look at the murder scene, if you'd allow me."
"Murder scene?" Uri asked.
"Do you think I should increase the charges?" Nick asked facetiously. "Perhaps Eusk just wanted to kill some people with his cars? He seems like that type of guy after all."
Daemoal slammed his fists against his chest, signalling that he agreed with the motion. Lucy stared at the photograph. Despite the fact that each part was in small chunks, there were enough visual cues to tell they were duplicates. Duplicates where the insides of two of the engines seemed particularly singed.
"Got any ideas?" Uri asked.
"Yes," Lucy responded. "It's a difficult argument, but well worth a try."
She pointed to the insides of two of the engines. "I would like the court to observe the excessively charred engines compared to the rest of the car," she started. "It seems like the explosion came from within both of them."
"That's also the prosecutor's argument," Nicky said, smiling at her father for approval. "The engines were faulty and exploded, hence why we're charging Eusk with manslaughter."
"Actually, Edison cars are powered by electric motors and batteries," Eusk chimed in.
"Shut up and stop making things so fuckin' complicated," Daemoal growled. "We're fuckin' calling them engines and that's final."
"What type of Edison car has two engines?" Lucy asked. "If I'm not mistaken, that's quite a rare design choice."
"Perhaps Boom had gotten engines from someone else, and was carrying them?" Nick interjected.
"Where were the two engines found?" Lucy asked McFreedom.
"Underneath the carpet," McFreedom responded smugly.
"Thank you," Lucy smirked. "Now, I'm not a car expert either, but why would Boom put the engines underneath her carpet if she was carrying them? It'd take quite a bit of work and damage to retrieve them. They're not illegal after all."
"OBJECTION!" Nicky interjected. "Perhaps she was hiding them. Engines are expensive."
"OBJECTION! There are far easier places to hide an engine without keeping them in such an impractical place," Uri shouted on Lucy's behalf. "Perhaps they were put there by someone else, where Boom wouldn't have noticed them."
"The prosecution asserts that the engines spontaneously combusted without being inside the bumper or anywhere where they could be at risk of exploding?" Lucy asked. "Let's look at the engine that was in the bumper, shall we?"
She pointed to the engine that was currently in use. While it had been charred by the explosion, only the outer part of it was burned. The rest of it was merely blown into smaller chunks.
"Once again, I'd like the court to look at all the three parts of this vehicle," Lucy responded. "Notice how the main engine, the one that should have caused the explosion if the prosecution's points were valid, HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE EXPLOSION AT ALL!"
The court gasped and started riff-raffing. Judge Daemoal banged his chest with his fists to get them to be quiet.
"Order! Order! Shut the fuck up, ye bastards!" Daemoal howled. "This is very suspicious. It would make sense to get more information about why these engines exploded."
"I've got an idea!" Lucy shouted. "I think someone tampered with this car somehow, and rigged these two engines to explode, disguising it as a car defect. Despite not wishing to use a conventional bomb, their murder method is still evident. KA BOOM WAS NOT KILLED IN AN ACCIDENT, SHE WAS MURDERED!"
Nick nodded in agreement before slapping himself on the forehead and regaining his composure. Nicky looked stunned at the revelation.
"This is very interesting," Nick smiled. "I'm impressed by Lucy, and Lucy's co-counsel. It seems like I'm going to have more of a challenge than I anticipated."
"The defence calls for an expert to assess the car's damage," Lucy smiled. "I hereby ask for a mechanic to provide an expert testimony about how the engines could have been rigged to explode."
"Aye, we've only got one mechanic in this area, so I'll bring him this instant," Daemoal nodded. "Court is adjourned."
"Hell yeah!" Lucy laughed as she and Uri hugged. Nicky glared at them and tried to hug Nick but he gently pushed her away. "Not until we've won, Nicky," he smiled.
Japanifornia courthouse, 17th October 2020 14:20
Lucy and Uri sat outside with Mlon. Mlon was sweating, but looked extremely relieved. Lucy was gathering her files.
"We're going to pull through," Lucy smiled.
"But we don't know who the killer is?" Uri scoffed.
"That's not our damn job!" Lucy responded. "We're here to prove the innocence of our clients, not solve cases. Just because the detective is a dumbass doesn't mean we have to do his job for him."
Sam McFreedom was skulking around when Lucy said that. His eyes watering up, he angrily approached them, speaking with far less bravado than he had in court.
"I wish I was normal and rational like the rest of you. But racism school fucked up my superior American brain," he said somberly.
"What's racism school?" Uri asked.
McFreedom didn't respond, and hastily left the courtroom. His guns fell out of his holster, and he didn't even bother to pick them up, even when they started firing into the wall after hitting the ground.
"Once this case is over, I'll be a billionaire again and become the emperor of Mars," Mlon smiled.
"No you won't," Lucy responded. "You got sued to oblivion in a civil suit, remember? This will only serve to show that you're not criminally responsible for Boom's demise."
"Just because everyone told me that the cars would explode, didn't mean they would explode," Eusk stammered. "I have Asperger's, I don't always pick up on subtle verbal cues like that. If anything, I should sue those who sued me for taking my money and making me look bad. Would you help with that?"
"No, I'm a homicide lawyer," Lucy said. "Find another public defender."
"Eusk, how do you make girls like you?" Uri asked.
"You whip it out and shout, date me, I'm rich," Eusk confidently responded. "If that doesn't work and they sue you for sexual harassment, you can always buy them a horse. Girls like horses."
"But I want girls to like me," Uri sulked.
"Be a horse then," Mlon shrugged. "My nanolink technology can help with that."
"I'll pass," Uri sighed. "I'm going to die a virgin."
"Don't encourage him," Lucy sighed. "It's just teenage angst. He'll find someone desperate enough when he stops being so whiny."
The three talked for a bit more until they were called back into the courtroom. Despite the serious murder mystery and proving Eusk's innocence being their utmost priority, Lucy and Uri couldn't get racism school out of their minds. Would that be important later? Who knows?
It will be.
Japanifornia courtroom, 17th October 2020 15:09
The court resumed and everyone got to their places. Nick looked a bit more flustered, but still had a sly grin on his face. Nicky was laughing at his predicament.
"I am so going to get a scout badge for emotional composure during a court trial," Nicky smiled. "Right there with my badges for burglary, pickpocketing, mugging, and insurance fraud."
"If I could make a fatherly suggestion," Nick started. "I'd separate the crime badges from the crime prevention badges. It helps with the aesthetic."
"I love you pops, that's a fantastic idea," Nicky smiled, as she squeezed Nick in a tight hug. Uri looked on with jealousy.
"I want her to hug me like that," Uri sighed.
"More like with that," Lucy groaned. "You pervert."
"What?" Uri blushed, as he averted his gaze from everyone.
"Fuckin' court is back in session," Judge Daemoal screamed as he pounded his fists on his chest. After making sure everyone was ready, he called in the witness.
An obese and greasy man in a striped shirt and overalls entered the courtroom. He was drawing some comics that looked like a creatively-bankrupt child with learning difficulties drew them. He pulled himself onto the witness stand and stared down at his comics, fidgeting nervously.
"Name and occupation?" Nick asked.
"Mech Anic," Mech said. "I'm a mechanic. I'm also the writer of PollyKuma, an epic tale about me and my parrot monokuma hybrid who fight against trolls, feminists, homosexuals, and cataclysmic beings while helping me on my quest to have sex with beautiful women. I publish it on .com, in case any of you want to read it. I have heaps of people on EmuRanch who sign in daily to communicate with me, even if they're some of the gosh damn trolls, though they give me inspiration and help with my lay quest."
"What the fuck? Shut up!" screamed Daemoal. "Keep on track or I'll have you arrested for contempt of court!"
"The prosecution has no complaints," Nick groaned. "My daughter is 16, she doesn't need to hear some skeezy loser talking about his sex life."
"There goes my heterosexuality," Nicky sighed.
"No!" sobbed Uri quietly.
"Mech is somehow a mechanic," Lucy stated. "I'd like him to give a detailed description about the case at hand and how the engines could have exploded."
"I haven't read the case files about Ka Boom being murdered," Mech responded. "Give me time to look at them."
"Ach, ye fuckin' neckbeard loser," grumbled Daemoal. "Court is adjourned for 15 minutes for this dumbarse to read the files."
"Huh, how did he know it was a murder?" Uri asked. "I'm sure the case files would have referred to it as manslaughter."
"This case is fucked, goodbye," Nick grumbled. "Nicky and I are going out to have some fast food. We'll be back when the verdict is read. Congratulations for your acquittal, kid." He sighed, shook hands with Lucy (but not Uri,) then he and Nicky left the courtroom.
15 minutes later.
After reading the files, and making gross weirdo noises, Mech was ready to give his testimony.
About the engines exploding
The engines probably exploded on their own.
It reminds me of issue 42 in PollyKuma when PollyKuma blows up Osama Bin Laden using a car bomb made of an engine. It's my best work, by the way. It reveals that all internet trolls are in cahoots with al-qaeda.
Also, I saw that car. I put a voucher in the mailbox for Ka Boom to visit my garage. But not because I wanted to murder her.
My dad doesn't like my writing. He says I should stop being such a leech and get a real job.
I want a girlfriend.
I didn't put any bombs under the carpet of the car. Just because I performed maintenance work on the car doesn't make me the killer.
I want to go home.
"Well, this is probably the most self-incriminating testimony in the world," Lucy sighed. "Hey, Uri, you want practice? You point out all the inconsistencies."
"You've got it, Sis," Uri smiled.
It reminds me of issue 42 in PollyKuma when PollyKuma blows up Osama Bin Laden using a car bomb made of an engine. It's my best work, by the way. It reveals that all internet trolls are in cahoots with al-qaeda.
"HOLD IT!" Uri yelled. "This proves you know how to pull off a crime like this if you wanted to. It's an unusual killing method but one you had every chance to do."
"Nuh, uh," Mech responded as he started stamping his feet. "My work is purely fiction, with only characters based on intellectual properties, me, my trolls, everyone else I don't like, my lay quest, and all my views on the world. It's an outlet that helps me come up with ideas about how to overcome obstacles in my way… Oh, fuck! Judge, I demand you allow me to retract that statement."
"If I can't go golfing, then none of ye can have any free time. Objection sustained!" Daemoal laughed.
I want a girlfriend.
"So do I," Uri sighed.
"Exactly!" Mech stated. "Nice guys like me deserve women to date. I learned that from an incel forum, but they kicked me out for being too misogynistic and pathetic. They're misogynistic and pathetic. My mom says I'm cool!"
"Abort this line of questioning," Lucy whispered to Uri. "Just because he makes you feel better about yourself doesn't mean the rest of us should suffer from listening to him."
"God, I hope being single is the only thing the two of us have in common," Uri sobbed.
I want to go home.
"Well, you can't!" Uri scoffed. "You've just implicated yourself as a potential killer."
"But I was meant to be an expert witness!" Mech cried. "I'm a mechanic. I work on cars!"
"Well, if you didn't want to be accused of being a killer, you shouldn't have killed anyone!" responded Uri.
"Whatever! I'm leaving," Mech sulked. "If you want anything, my dad can testify instead."
"Yer fuckin' stayin' right here," Daemoal growled. "Continue testifying!"
My dad doesn't like my writing. He says I should stop being such a leech and get a real job.
"I don't want to be rude, but you should have listened to your dad," Uri responded.
"Fuck you!" Mech retorted. "I write great comics, aimed at seven ups. In the last issue, MissileUsami smothered Nil with her vag…."
"NO! NO! NO! OBJECTION! OBJECTION! I HAVE SEVERE PTSD NOW!" Uri screamed.
"Objection sustained," Daemoal nodded.
Also, I saw that car. I put a voucher in the mailbox for Ka Boom to visit my garage. But not because I wanted to murder her.
"HOLD IT!" Uri yelled. "This puts you close to the victim and her car. I want Mech's voucher to be added into the court record."
"Well, I don't," Mech scoffed. "It'll make me look bad."
"Even if you hadn't killed someone, you'd still look terrible!" Uri screamed.
"Sustained," Daemoal nodded. "Mech's voucher is now in court record."
"Fuck," muttered Mech.
The engines probably exploded on their own.
"You weren't here, so you have no idea how wrong that is," Uri stated. "The only engine that could have exploded was merely a casualty of the other two, that could not have detonated without being tampered with. They were merely there, to try and confuse the detective by making it look like debris. Your 'genius' plan worked for five minutes."
"Well, I'm an expert, and I say that the engine exploded on its own," Mech sighed.
"You've already committed perjury, and that statement is just another example that you're hiding from the truth," Uri sighed.
I didn't put any bombs under the carpet of the car. Just because I performed maintenance work on the car doesn't make me the killer.
"HOLD IT!" Uri shouted. "Funny that you seem to be able to perfectly summarise how the murder was carried out. Have you seen that happen much?"
"No, I mean all the time," Mech said. "Don't Edison cars explode all the time? Wow, that was a good lie, I'm really smart. My mom says so."
"Your mom is delusional," Uri sighed.
Uri then turned to the judge. "After examining all of Mech's statements, the defense believes that Mech is the murderer. I'd like Mech to testify about the work he did on Boom's car."
"Sustained," Daemoal growled. "Dumbarse, fuckin' testify or I'll punch you."
Mech squirmed and began his next testimony.
I didn't do it
I've never heard of Ka Boom before today.
I never had any interaction with her.
I never put a voucher in her mailbox. An internet troll probably did that.
I'm heterosexual.
I don't know what a car is.
Uri and Lucy both rolled their eyes.
"Let's just finish this off," Lucy sighed. "You passed the easiest cross-examination ever, good job bro. Now watch your big sister kick this loser's ass."
I'm heterosexual.
"It doesn't matter what your sexuality is," Lucy stated. "Nobody will ever sleep with you."
"That's not true. My mom said…" Mech stated.
"NOPE! NOPE! NOPE! OBJECTION!" Lucy screamed.
"Objection fuckin' sustained," Judge Daemoal nodded.
I don't know what a car is.
"Are you joking?" Lucy asked.
"No, I don't!" Mech responded tearfully. "What is a car? Where would I have ever seen one?"
"You're a fucking mechanic," Lucy sighed.
"He's stalling for time," Uri nodded.
"I have amnesia. Just like in issue 439 of my comic," Mech sobbed. "I can't remember anything before today."
"This guy is too stupid to catch in a lie," Uri sighed. "Everything he says is bullshit."
"I'm starting to think idiots are harder to crack than those who are merely unintelligent," Lucy said. "Everything this guy said is wrong in some way or another."
I never put a voucher in her mailbox. An internet troll probably did that.
"Now, I might be wrong, but you just admitted to doing that a few minutes ago," Lucy said with frustration dripping through her voice.
"I forgot that! I forgot everything! I have amnesia!" Mech said.
"Then how do you know an internet troll did that?" Lucy asked.
"Because they harass me all the time!" Mech cried. "They've been doing that for years. Especially Ka Boom. She's the leader of Emuranch. Her profile is KYSM869420. She leads a troll army to bully me every day! I'm sick of it!"
"Interesting. Could we put this into the court records?" Lucy asked.
"Sustained," Daemoal nodded. "Internet trolling has been added to the fuckin' court record."
"Well done, sis," Uri cheered. "Let's request if Mech's computer can be searched to see if this trolling has happened."
"It fuckin' has," Daemoal said. "I'm one of the main trolls. Look me up, I'm FuckinJudge666."
Judge Daemoal opened his laptop and showed the court all the trolling that they had subjected Mech to. Mech was stamping his feet. "I should have known!" he screamed. "I thought you looked like the selfie you sent to me telling me you would make my life a living hell!"
"The internet created a monster," Lucy sighed. "It's also provided us with the final nail we can put in Mech's shitty coffin."
I've never heard of Ka Boom before today.
"OBJECTION!" Lucy screamed, as she presented the trolling. "You knew Ka Boom for years, but only as KYSM869420. But you yourself mentioned that you found out her real identity."
"Oh shit," Mech sobbed.
Lucy pointed at Mech as blue and white lines soared around her and epic music started playing.
"Let me explain!" she started. "Your fanfiction comics, PollyKuma have been a hit. But only because your audience solely consists of internet trolls. You naively courted their attention, falling for all the bait they gave you. But they got bored, and wanted more of a reaction. Their harassment became unbearable, so you took matters into your own hands. As a mechanic, you saw the perfect opportunity to use your knowledge of car parts to create a bomb disguised as just an engine. Using that voucher, you lured Ka, or more specifically, Ka's car to your garage, where you planted the bomb. Under the disguise of the Edison exploding engines scandal, you thought you would get away with your murder! Spoiler alert, Mech, the good girl won in the end."
Mech started shaking and holding himself. "I always win in the end. Just like my comics. Internet trolls deserve to die! I should be allowed to get away with it."
"That's not how it fuckin' works, bitch," Daemoal growled. "Yer going to jail for a long fuckin' time!"
Mech started sobbing even more. Eventually, a yellow aura burst out from around him like a super saiyan and his hair grew long and his manboobs turned to actual boobs. He was now a she.
"I ADMIT IT!" Mech screamed. "I was actually a transgender woman all along. This is the final step in my lay quest. As a woman, now every woman will have sex with me! The only reason I hated homosexuals is because I was one myself."
"You're not evil because you're trans, you're evil because you're a vindictive loser," Lucy sighed.
"You're a vindictive loser who is fuckin' going to jail," Daemoal responded.
"I'm sorry for murdering someone! Can I please go home?" Mech asked. "I won't do it again. My mom will even take away my xbox for a week."
Everyone in the courtroom shook their heads, causing Mech to start crying hysterically. She was led away in handcuffs, as confetti rained down from the sky. How it got there is anyone's guess.
Japanifornia Courthouse, 17th October 2020 18:33
Lucy and Uri sat outside the courtroom, gathering themselves after the turbulent yet surprisingly easy case they had just been thrown. Mlon was smiling.
"Thank you so much," Mlon said. "I've been reading through some nasty social media comments claiming that regardless of my lack of involvement, I should still be held accountable for releasing dangerous vehicles that could have easily caused hundreds of deaths. Shows what they know, if they didn't want to blow up in a car, they shouldn't have brought a car."
"I'm just glad I don't have to see you ever again," Lucy scowled.
"Now that I'm not going to jail, I'm going to get my money back and buy a social media network," Mlon Eusk stated. "As you know, big tech is controlled by the far left. So if I let the far right back onto social network sites, the far left will be forced out and there will be no more extremism. It's the type of genius plan only a centrist like me could come up with."
Lucy rolled her eyes.
"I think it's really creative," gushed Uri.
"You're both idiots," Lucy murmured.
Eusk held himself up and used a jetpack he had on himself to propel out of the room, causing the guns to set themselves off and start firing into the walls again. A few moments later, Nick, Nicky, and Sam entered the room.
"Congratulations on your win," Nick said. "If I knew how stacked the case was against me, I'd have turned it down."
"I'm starting to worry that I'll have to defend idiots like Mlon forever," Lucy sighed. "I hope I can open up my own private firm some day."
"You've got the skills," Nicky smiled.
"Do I?" Uri asked.
"Who are you?" Nicky asked curiously.
"I'm Uri Aether," Uri smiled. "I'm a junior in high school, a practising defence lawyer, I like walks down the beach, helping others, and debate. My sis says I may be a bit sheltered, but I'm smart. I'm also single, not that it matters"
"Uh, cool," Nicky said nonchalantly. "You're kinda immature, but you seem like a good person. I don't think the two of us have anything in common."
"You never know," Uri asked hopefully.
"I'll be fine," Nicky said, shooting a bemused expression at Uri. He turned away to hide the tears swelling in his eyes.
"You kids are just hijacking everything, aren't you?" Nick laughed. "My girl takes initiative," best damn thing that ever happened to me."
"Ah, thanks, pops," Nicky giggled as she hugged her father.
"We're going to work together and stop so many goddamn criminals, right?" Sam laughed. "Us Americans need to unite and protect the liberty this fine country was built upon. Put the exceptionalism back into American exceptionalism."
"You're a racist idiot," Lucy scoffed. "I want as little to do with you as possible."
"I'm only following what racism school taught me," McLiberty sighed. "They told me I was destined to succeed. That who I was born as guaranteed who I would become. If I were to renounce their traditions, it'd undo everything I've ever stood for. I'd be spitting in their faces. I could. I could never.." Sam trailed off as he stared into thin air, with even his muscles drooping. He limped away, meekly picked up the guns he dropped a few hours ago, and ambled out the door.
"That was weird," Nicky stated.
"Maybe this 'racism school' is important," Uri pontificated. "Perhaps some part of him is trying to break free, trying to tell us something is terribly wrong."
"I hope not," Lucy sighed. "The last thing I want is more craziness. I've had enough today to last me a lifetime."
Nick didn't respond, staring intently at a locked door. As the four lawyers left the courthouse, Nick's smile grew broader. "Eventually," he whispered to himself.
