Desperation was something tangible to latch on.
Sasuke always hummed quietly when washing dishes.
The Hokage was watching his husband behind the countertop. He knew he could go and help, though he knew the black haired man would just snap at him, tell him to go do something else. Sasuke hated when someone tried to help, tried to involve themselves in something he was doing. With him, there was no including yourself - he needed to include you, ask you to join.
Naruto knew and still, rising from his chair, took a couple quick steps to close the distance.
"Don't." Dark voice told him off, but it wasn't threatening. He could feel the sharingan, even though he couldn't see it. He wrapped his hands around his lover's torso and lowered his head onto his shoulder.
"Come oooon, don't be a killjoy! I just want to spend some time with my overworked husband", he grinned. He could almost feel the eyeroll that was directed to him.
"You do realise that while being the Hokage, you are the one overworking me?" Sasuke turned his head slightly, poking Naruto's forehead with two soapy fingers. The soap left behind a small pool of bubbles, standing right in the middle of his forehead. Naruto frowned.
"It's not my fault you are the best one. Or the best because I of course can't go", Naruto teased. To be honest, from the mission point of view, Sasuke was the best. As a Hokage, yes, he was strong and good with people, but writing mission reports and analysing them never were his forte. He was more "hands on, do stuff" -kind of ninja.
"Hn." Sasuke shaked his shoulder, trying to signal Naruto off. He got the message but decided to retaliate with the soap, still feeling the bubbles on his forehead. With a quick scoop of hand there was soap on Sasuke's hair. He quickly released his grip on others body and flickered to the other side of the counter.
"You damn moron, I'm trying to mind my own business here and you- Hey, hey are you okay? Do you need to sit down?" His husband's voice started as annoyed, but turned worried towards the end.
He was wiping the soap off his forehead but looking at his fingers there was blood and dirt left behind. He frowned. There was no reason for there to be blood. He blinked and looked up at Sasuke.
His eyes startled open. Black hair and wild red eyes, home, were there, looking at him, expecting. He shook his head, clouded, like memories pushing back, weird nostalgia of something that didn't really happen.
"Are you here?"
Looking around, taking in the black sky, the vast grey landscape around. The quiet was like a static, only broken by his heartbeat and familiar breathing.
Reality crashed around him and he remembered the strangled cries, death, battle. There was a tree and deep bark, sky around the moon hued red and he knew not to look. Vast emptiness of the field, grey rock everywhere, cocoons of wrapped bodies, like moths to be born on the branches and roots.
Nodding, he couldn't speak. It was too much. This was too much. The red eyes never left his, the sun and the moon meeting each other at the palms of their hands.
"I can't keep you here." There was something broken, deep aching loneliness behind the words said.
And then, there was something familiar, urge, feeling. It hung around them like a curtain draped on a stage. There was no applause - only pleas and promises to be broken, lost glances, touches with a fist, touches with a palm, lives not lived together but still tangled into each other like two rolls of yarn thrown in a box, shaken, turned around until they were one but shouldn't be.
Always shouldn't and couldn't be.
Naruto crashed into the dark haired man, lips meeting lips, like a wave crashing into a rock face at the edge of the sea - dissolving, losing, vanishing. Desperation and pleading melting into one, asking to be saved and to save.
Sasuke's hands were cold but didn't let go.
"Hi? You there?" Black eyes were close, looking around his face, worry starting to bleed in. His hands were on his cheek and neck, caressing, trying to ground him. Soap was dripping from the pale hands on the tanned chest.
"Huh? Oh, yeah, sorry, what happened?" Blinking, Naruto brought his own hand over his lovers, and set it down from his cheek. Sasuke let go but kept his eyes strictly fixed on the blonde.
"I should ask you that. You completely just spaced out, almost like someone put you into genjutsu", Sasuke was still looking at him, eyes like steel. He knew his husband was trying to find a clue how someone could've put genjutsu on him, through all of the seals and wards that surrounded their home. Naruto pinched and rubbed the bridge of his nose, feeling a headache stirring.
"I don't think so. I think I have a headache coming on'', he added, trying to calm Sasuke. After the war everything has been calm and peaceful, the shinobi alliance making the world safer, but some things couldn't be forgotten. "I think I'm going to go lay down a bit." Sasuke lived years and years on the edge, hunted and always looking over his shoulder. Naruto didn't blame the raven haired man for being cautious, but hoped that someday his husband would get to relax. Constantly jumping to conclusions about how someone is after them was exhausting, he knew, and they had the best ANBU guards, Naruto being the Hokage and all. They were safe.
Sasuke, still looking not completely reassured, let him go. "It's not just me who's overworked, you know. It's peacetime. Don't push yourself too hard", he said, calmly but strictly. Naruto knew not to brush him off, nodding and mumbling yeah while wandering to their bedroom.
He fell backwards on their bed, headache surging from the quick motion for a moment, only to settle down when he laid still. He actually was feeling quite exhausted. He knew Sasuke was right, there was no outside reason to push himself so hard. However, there were things that needed to be changed, things to rebuild, to make them better. A future for this village, and its people. All his life he had hoped there would be the day he could actually do something, instead of being kicked around and shouted at. Now he was there, and he needed, needed to make a change. So that nobody else would be like him, like Obito, like Kakashi, like Sasuke, like Itachi. They would be better and they would be safe. No more broken children in a broken village, in broken world that appreciated only power and violence. He wanted to show home, warmth and peace, things he now had, to the people. But it was a lot of work.
Looking around their bedroom he felt warm. There was their wardrobe, his Hokage cape hanging loosely on the corner of the door. Inside was a mix and match of his signature orange and dark blue, green and black. On the shelf were a couple of pictures - Kakashi and team 7 as young children, straight from the academy. His and Sasuke's wedding photo - it was snapped unknowingly, because Sasuke always froze when taking pictures he knew were being taken. He had luck that one of his best ANBU also happened to photograph in his free time, so he could pay the man to sneak around the occasion and snap a couple photos. It was a treasure. Sasuke and Naruto were talking to somebody, but they were watching each other lovingly. There was a picture of the whole Rookie 9 bunch, and one of Sakura and Naruto in the grand opening of her new hospital. Precious memories.
He let exhaustion drag over him, eyes sliding closed, comfortable darkness washing over him.
"How long?"
"I don't know. Time goes different when there's nobody keeping it"
Naruto buries his hands into his hair and tugs. He wants to scream. He doesn't.
"Do you ever dream?" It is a dream. Or is it? He isn't sure. Is this a dream?
Sasuke stares at him blankly, like always, eyes red, spinning.
"Sometimes. I can't stay. He doesn't let me"
Naruto looks up, eyes meeting eyes. It's a different kind of desperation, something he always recognized but didn't really know. It was something that made innocent people into murderers, just to kill other lifetimes and 'could have beens', destinies that are lived with suffering and solitude. It was pain and confusion and regret and deception. It was a brother trying to protect his brother in the worst way possible.
Whole other kind of desperation. Something that breeds itself and tangles to lives that get too close, too near. Like a plague.
"Are they good?" Question feels futile, too light and he almost doesn't want to ask, but still does.
"It's everything I ever wanted"
Desperation bleeds and changes into the familiar one that he knows and holds, and can't look straight into any longer.
Something moved on the bed and he stirred, raising himself on his elbows. It had gotten dark outside, pale moonlight casting only light in the room.
"Sorry, didn't mean to wake you up." Sasuke had slid next to him on the bed, curled under the blankets. "You should take your clothes off."
Raising his eyebrows and giving Sasuke a knowing look earned a light slap on his hand. He was right, though. The clothes were uncomfortable and hot, and he didn't enjoy all those nights on the road sleeping in his uniform just to sleep clothed in his home also.
He shuffled out of his pants and shirt mostly lying down, throwing them on the floor. Sasuke looked at his antics disapprovingly, but didn't say anything.
"If I got a coin every time you rolled your eyes at me, I would be rich", he snickered to the black haired man. Sasuke gave him an unamused look.
"If I got a coin every time I had an urge to roll my eyes at you, I would be richer", he threw back. Naruto just grinned at him, and pulled the man closer, resting him on the crook of his armpit. Sasuke didn't resist, just wiggled a little to get himself to a better position and rested his hand on Naruto's chest
They laid there, quiet, just taking in the comfortable closeness. His hand found the smooth, black locks, caressing the others hair. Sasuke let out a small, happy noise, and Naruto felt him relax. His heart fluttered. He was so happy.
Hand touching his chest is cold, but it's also almost burning from the memory etched into his skin. Raw pain from years ago, betrayal and relief. Lives that were meant to be lost but weren't, and still there were casualties. Yarn cut to start anew only to be thrown into the same box, into the same tangles, twisting old knots into new ones, making it impossible to separate, to see where one ends and another begins.
Red eyes have faded to black and it's like thick fog, black and not focused. He had seen woods burning, but this had no embers in there, only dark, intangible smoke, billowing behind itself, stirring, never focusing, dispersing.
"You can't see." It was not a question, it didn't need to be.
The hand was raised to his cheek, fingers smoothing hair near to his ear. He willed himself not to sink into it. Promises of a drowning man.
Black smoke edging closer to his bright blue eyes, trying to find focus, searching. He couldn't breathe.
"Why am I here?"
Warm breath on his skin came with the familiar scent, and he wanted to reach in, close the distance, dive into the darkness.
Desperation was something tangible to be touched, to be washed with.
"I wanted to see you once more"
Promises for a drowning man.
Everybody always seemed to compare him to the Sun. It was weird for him, even the sun symbol in his palm didn't really convince him.
At the moment, this sun would've liked the real sun to fuck off since it was shining right into his eyes and he woul like to sleep more. It didn't listen to his pleas. Groaning a little, he shook his husband to release him so he could turn away from the offending sun.
The bastard didn't move. Actually, Naruto was quite sure he felt the grip tightening. Fine. Opening his eyes, blinking at the harsh light he found himself staring at the ceiling. Little bits of dust were floating in the air, almost like dancing in the sunlight.
He tried to move again, but finding resistance, gave up.
"Don't go yet idiot. Is nice", Sasuke murmured while pushing his face to blonde's hair and inhaling deeply.
Naruto absentmindedly caressed his husbands back, still watching the dancing dust.
"Did you ever think we would end up here?" He asked, turning himself to look at Sasuke. Bit of wonder was in his voice. Sometimes it felt too good, too happy to be real.
"No I didn't", Sasuke said, eyes dropping to Naruto's chest. "I was not one to have high hopes about the future. You know that", he stated, calmly. Naruto of course knew. After the war it took endless nights and days to talk, and talk, and talk, and plead and ask for Sasuke to find a moment of peace, a way, a reason. He had been an avenger his whole life and when the mission was complete and he was still standing, the world was empty. Little by little it got better. The life that was lost returned to his eyes. He found a place in this world - where he was needed, he was wanted and where he could to his part.
He brushed the black hair away from his lovers eyes and-
There were no forest fires but a deep red, like a sea of blood. Familiar, dangerous and calming. He looked at it, the sea spilling out of its container, staining the already dirt ridden pale cheeks, dripping endlessly into the ground.
There was no comfort found there. There was no hope, no happiness.
Desperation was something tangible to latch on.
Red eyes started swimming in his view when he bit his teeth together. He slammed his hands into the deep, dark bark and screamed. It was hollow - the voice traveled through grey rock and deep wood before muddling, going quiet. Static remains.
"There is nothing else to do, is there?" He asked, fearing, knowing the answer. Fingers curled around cloth, dragging closer, like magnets constantly pulling together while pushing away.
"This is the last time we see each other."
Desperation was something tangible to latch on.
His lips found another and hands found body and he didn't care if he couldn't see - he could go blind, he could go deaf, he could die if he could just feel. Feel the unlived lives, the promises they kept breaking, the hope that one day there would not be desperation, only contentment. It hurt and it broke and it sliced him straight open like somebody was committing ritual murder on him and he was leaning into the sword, leaning into the death. His hands gripped the black locks tight and he wanted to tear, to bite, to etch himself so deep into the other that they were tangled and knotted and could not be separated without cutting it all off to little pieces.
He felt like he was drowning and wasn't sure which way was the surface. He latched onto his lover and held on, breathing him in, desperation filling his lungs, feeling ecstasy of drowning, of giving up.
Their bodies were cold, breathing ragged, laying there. Sky was hues of red and black, vast emptiness. He held on when he heard the sound of metal being picked up and he held onto the trembling body when the heart was skipping quicker, breathing faster, and he held on when his lover let out a deep, disgusting gurgling sound and coughed blood and he held on when the blood stopped pooling from his eyes and started to seep into the ground and he held on when the body he held went limp and heavy and the metal clattered to the ground and he held on even though there was no more promises to be broken and there was no goodbyes said.
He held on when the body was cold and there was no more desperation to latch on.
"Hey, where'd you go? What is going on?"
Black eyes stared back, clearly worried. He felt the hot tears welling, coming to the surface, falling down. He didn't know why, there was an urgent sense of loss, like something was breaking. His breathing hitched and he pulled Sasuke to a tight hug, too tight, like it was the only thing keeping him alive. His lover let him, murmuring comforting words like it's okay, just breathe and Naruto was holding onto him, breathing his scent.
"Please don't go", a plea, a hope, something small and broken escaped into the air.
"I would never", comforting words and kisses pushed into his neck, hands in his hair, soothing. There was something breaking deep inside every time he heard his lover breathe, and after his own breathing was steady, and the tears were dried, he held onto his lover's cold body.
Desperation was something tangible to latch on.
