Jennie

"I think she's going to break up with me."

Doyeon's sigh through the phone line is loud and clear. I know she's irritated with me. I am irritated with me. It's getting to the point where I can't even stand the sound of my own voice and yet I can't shut up about this.

"She's been acting really weird ever since the Indian's game last week," I explain as I pull my car into the driveway and let the engine idle.

"Lisa isn't going to break up with you. Will you shut up about this already? Maybe she's just stressed about work or the fact that her parents are finally coming for a visit. Did you try out that move on her I told you about the other night? The one where you take your fingers and put them in her-"

"LA-LA-LA, I'M NOT LISTENING TO YOU!" I yell over her voice and try to block out the words "prostate" and "gentle massage".

"Fine, but I'm telling you – it will totally relax her," she says matter-of-factly.

I turn off the ignition and rested my head against the steering wheel.

"Have you tried, oh I don't know, asking her what's wrong?" Doyeon continues.

"You're rolling your eyes at me right now, aren't you?" I reply. "No, I haven't asked her. I've done what every other woman in a new relationship does when her partner is acting all twitchy and nervous. I completely ignore the situation and pretend like it isn't happening while making a list of possible responses and comebacks I can lob at her when she finally decides to give me the brush-off. I am NOT going to be one of those people who clam up when she tells me, 'It's not you, it's me,' and then six hours later when I'm sitting alone in the dark with a bottle of vodka scream, 'OH IT'S TOTALLY YOU AND YOUR SMALL PENIS!'. I'm going to have viable retorts ready to go so I don't come up with them later when I'm drunk and alone, and they do no one any good."

I sit back in my seat and stare at the front door of the house I now live in with Lisa. The white, three bedroom ranch with black shutters is nestled in a lush cluster of pine trees. I love this house. But more importantly, I love the two person inside of it. My heart literally hurts to think about not being with Lisa.

"Lisa doesn't have a small penis, by the way," I say, breaking the silence.

"So you've told me. Several times," Doyeon deadpans.

"I'm sorry I keep bugging you about this."

"Don't apologize. That's what I'm here for. Just talk to her about it. You can thank me for my sage advice by remembering that, as my maid of honor, you are required to keep any and all passé bachelorette party activities as far away from me as possible this weekend," Doyeon reminds me.

Doyeon and Jim's wedding date is fast approaching. Being as far removed from a typical bride as possible, Doyeon had vetoed a traditional bachelorette party and instead decided it would just be one big co-ed night out. Maybe that's what Lisa and I need - a night out with friends without any work or parenting responsibilities. I thank Doyeon again and quickly hang up the phone so I can go in the house and greet my loves.

--

"I'm home!" I yell as I close the front door behind me and set my purse down on the table next to it.

A flash of color darts into the room and barrels into me.

"Mommy's home!" Gabi cheers as I pick him up and start walking further into the house.

"Where's Dada?" I ask as I rub his back while he clings to me.

"She's gettin' ready for work."

I walk into the bedroom and set him down on top of the bed, bouncing onto the mattress next to him. Gabi stands up and starts jumping up and down and singing.

"Woke up dis mornin', got myself a gun!"

Before I can tell him to stop, Lisa walks out of the bathroom, popping her head through the neck of a tee shirt and then pulling the material the rest of the way down over her stomach.

"Hey, baby," she greets me with a smile as she makes her way over to the bed, leans over, and gives me a kiss. z lingers against my mouth and rubs her lips back and forth against mine before pulling away so she can look at me.

"Did you let our son watch 'The Sopranos' again today?" I ask her with a raise of my eyebrows.

Lisa laughs nervously and backs away. "No, why would you think that?"

Gabi stops bouncing on the bed and looks at Lisa.

"Yes you did, Dada. Don't you wemember? Big Pussy cried and you called him a pansy-ass," he says earnestly.

I look at Lisa pointedly.

"And tell me you didn't take him out in public today with that shirt on."

We both look at Gabi's shirt that boldly states, "They shake me."

"I can neither confirm nor deny those rumors," Lisa says as she sits down next to me on the bed so she can put her shoes on. "Let's just say we had lunch with Uncle Sehun, and if I didn't put the new shirt on Gabi that he bought him, there would have been a scene."

"I'm pretty sure Gabi would have been fine if you refrained from putting him in that shirt," I tell her.

"I'm not talking about Gabi. Have you met Sehun?"

Gabi takes a leap off of the bed and runs out of the room. I scoot closer to Lisa and rest my head on her shoulder. She lifts one arm and wraps it around my shoulder, pulling me against her side. She seems okay right now, so I figure there is no need to ruin the moment and ask her what her problem has been the past few days and if she still loves me.

"Sometimes I really hate that you work nights," I tell her softly, wrapping my arms around her waist.

She turns and kisses me, easing both of us back onto the bed so we are laying in a tangle of legs and arms.

"You don't have to lie. I know you like the peace and quiet during the week and having control over the remote," she says with a smile as she brushes a piece of hair out of my eyes.

"You're right, I do. But it doesn't mean I don't love you. It just means 'The Real Housewives of Orange County' can be watched without eye rolls and sarcastic comments. If anyone is going to judge Gretchen and Slade for their poor life choices it will be me," I explain.

"Oh, that reminds me. I've got something for you," she says as she pulled her arms out from around me and rolls onto her back so she can dig into the pocket of her jeans.

"Are you going to tell me that you have a present in your pants for me? Because I've got to tell you, I've been to that pants party a bunch of times. I almost got a concussion last time."

Lisa digs deeper into her pocket and huffs at me.

"It is not my fault I was unprepared for road-head. I thought you weren't feeling good and were just going to put your head down in my lap. When a someone's penis suddenly makes an appearance in a moving vehicle on a Saturday night, an involuntary hip thrust WILL HAPPEN."

She finally pulls her hand out of her pocket and holds it out to me, palm up.

"This is your present," she says to me.

I look into her hand to see two small, orange, bell-shaped pieces of foam resting inside of a tiny plastic bag. I look at them quizzically trying to decide the correct response one should have when receiving something that looked like dresses for Polly Pocket dolls.

"Um, you shouldn't have?"

Lisa laughs at my obvious confusion.

"Oh I should have. Especially if I want to live through another night of sleeping next to you. These, my dear, are the best earplugs ever. They have bins and bins of them at work. If you like them, let me know and I'll bring a bunch more home."

She got me earplugs. She really DOES love me.

I take the bag from her hand and tear open the plastic with my teeth so I can pull the squishy orange plugs out and look them over. I roll one between my finger and thumb to shrink it, and then I push it into my ear.

I repeat the process with the other one and lie perfectly still as the foam slowly expanded until I can't hear a single sound except for the whoosh of my breathing.

"THANK YOU SO MUCH, THESE ARE PERFECT!" I tell her.

At least I assume that's what I said. To me it had sounded more like the teacher in a Charlie Brown cartoon.

Lisa smiles and I see her mouth move.

"WHAT?"

Her mouth moves again.

Does she not understand the concept of earplugs? The word itself is pretty self-explanatory. Ear. Plug. From the Latin root, "I can't hear a fucking thing that is coming out of your mouth."

I stick my finger in my ear and yank one of the plugs out.

"As I was saying, you're welcome. I have to go to work now. Does this ensure that I can go to sleep from now on knowing all of my appendages will still be attached when I wake up?"

She pushes herself up off of the bed, and I pull the other ear plug out and toss them both on my nightstand so I can follow her out of the room.

"I do solemnly swear not to Lorena Bobbet your penis," I tell her as we make our way down the hall and out into the living room.

Lisa says a quick good-bye to Gabi who is sitting on the couch watching cartoons and then grabs her work bag off of the floor beside the front door.

"Don't forget Doyeon and Jim's co-ed pre-wedding party, that we are never to refer to as a bachelor-slash-bachelorette party, is this weekend," I remind Lisa as I plant a kiss on her cheek.

"I know. Sehun already sent me three texts since lunch trying to get me to admit that I was joking when I told him there wouldn't be strippers. I got a call from his phone after the last text I sent but he never spoke. I think he was just silently weeping in the background."

Lisa opens the door and then turns back to me before walking out.

"Oh and don't you forget that my parents are coming in this weekend from Columbus. I can't wait for you to finally meet them!"

I close the door behind her and lean my back against it.

"Yay. Meeting the in-laws," I cheer to myself in a completely non-cheery way.