A/N: I'm back with more of this one. Thank you for the love on it so far! Hugs to any readers who have lost a family member or friend to this horrible disease or who have gone through it themselves. This is not my usual topic to write about, so I am not totally sure how to trigger warn. But there are more in-depth discussions of cancer in medical terms, grief that comes with having or knowing someone you love is sick, etc. Please proceed with caution. Also, while I researched as much as I could on Google, I am not a doctor.
The Oncology Ward waiting room was cold.
It was a warm, sunny summer day, but it didn't feel that way inside.
Elliot reached for Olivia's hand as he looked around the white, sterile space.
The mood was somber, as expected. It was also quiet, except for an elderly man with an oxygen tube and a horrific cough. Olivia didn't want to take a chance that it was from something other than cancer and took two masks from her purse, passing one to Elliot.
She wished she was anywhere but here right now. Wished she was back in the car with Elliot on the ride to the hospital where they were talking about some of the things he'd missed in the time he'd been gone. She'd told him about Noah's adoption and even about the insecurities she'd had as a new parent. But he'd always had an unwavering faith in her. Always believed in her when she didn't believe in herself. She'd missed that while he was gone.
And somehow it'd made things all the more real when they pulled into the parking garage at the hospital.
She could lose that unwavering faith again.
Lose him. Permanently this time.
Even with treatments, there were no guarantees. The thought caused tears to blur her vision.
"Liv?" Elliot said, turning to her from his chair.
"I'm fine, El," She sniffled, cursing inwardly. Olivia wiped her eyes quickly, hoping he wouldn't see the tears threatening to spill out.
"I don't know how to do this," Elliot admitted, dropping his voice so the other patients couldn't hear. He sounded small, scared in a way she wasn't used to hearing him.
She leaned across the arm of the chair to pull him in for an awkward hug.
"We're just gonna take it one step at a time, okay?" she said.
Being closer to him helped. It had always been easier to comfort each other than to focus on their own problems.
"I've got you," she said.
"I know you do," he said, getting a tight grip on her despite the awkward angle. "I've got you too, you know?"
She nodded as they pulled back, not trusting the tears to stay out of her voice.
"Elliot Stabler?" a nurse called from the waiting room door.
Elliot cleared the emotion from his own throat, standing up slowly, but not letting go of Olivia's hand.
He only let go to step on the scale and to allow the nurse to check his vitals.
"Alright, Mr. Stabler—"
"It's Detective Stabler. He's a Detective," Olivia interjected. "And I'm his partner. Olivia Benson."
"Captain Olivia Benson." Elliot corrected.
"I see," the nurse smiled. "Well, despite the circumstances, it's nice to meet you both."
"I wish I could say the same," Elliot muttered and Olivia rubbed his back.
"You can call me Gabriella," the nurse said. "The doctor will be in shortly. Do you guys need anything?"
"I think we're alright," Olivia said, sensing that Elliot didn't feel like talking. "But thank you."
She really shouldn't have expected a quick visit, but Elliot seemed to get more tense the longer they waited for the doctor. Luckily he didn't pull away from Olivia's touch as she massaged the back of his neck and put her other hand over his, trying to provide some comfort.
"I always hate that part," Elliot said, finally cutting the tension. "The blood pressure cuff. It feels weird."
"I'm surprised you can feel it," Olivia, said, trying to lighten the mood by flirting. "All those muscles."
"Oh I can still feel it," Elliot said, flexing. But the moment was short-lived when he looked away and sighed. "This is really happening isn't it?"
"Maybe it's not as bad as they think," Olivia said.
"It's cancer, Olivia!" he snapped. "Of course it's bad."
She did know. She knew what it had done to Ed and it killed her to think it could do the same to Elliot. It was bad. It was cruel and relentless and it could take him from her without a second thought.
"I know," she said, hopping up onto the exam table beside him and laying her head on his shoulder.
"You can give me platitudes all you want, but we both know…" Elliot started.
"El, I get it," she said. "I'm sorry. Can we not—I can't handle thinking about you dying, ok? I can't. I need you to fight this. I need you to try."
"I never said I wasn't gonna—"
"I know you didn't and I know you're scared," Olivia said. "You're hurting. But if we go into this thinking it's the end… We deserve more time together, don't we?"
"Of course we do," Elliot said.
"Then please, can we just wait and see what the doctor says?" she asked.
"And if the doctor isn't as hopeful as you are?" Elliot countered.
"Then we do what we can, and I'll be here no matter what, partner." She said. "One step at a time, remember?"
"Yeah, ok," he replied, unconvincingly.
The doctor came in before either of them could speak any further.
"Good morning Detective Stabler," she said, sticking out her hand.
"Just Elliot, please," he said, grabbing her hand to shake.
"And this lovely woman must be your wife," she said, acknowledging Olivia.
"Oh, I'm not his wife," Olivia sputtered. "I'm his partner. We're not married."
If the circumstances weren't so dire, Elliot would've smiled at the way that question flustered her and the answer she gave.
"Well regardless, I'm happy to see that he has support," the doctor said.
"Of course," her voice was strong, but her stomach was a bundle of nerves. "I'm Olivia Benson."
"Dr. Maggie Bailey, but you can just call me Maggie," the doctor said.
Elliot squeezed Olivia's hand, grateful for her steady presence as he spoke.
"I'd say it was nice to meet you, but…"
"I get it," Maggie said. "I think most of my patients feel that way, and I don't like this part of my job either."
"Yeah, well, Doc your job is basically to tell people how and when they're gonna die," Elliot quipped. "That doesn't sound like the best way to build a rapport."
"El, let's—" Olivia started.
"It's alright, Ms. Benson—" Maggie said, cutting her off.
"Just Olivia, please," she said, cutting the doctor off right back.
"I can assure you that everything you two are feeling—fear, grief, anger—all of those are normal," the doctor replied, sympathetically. "And there's nothing you can say to me that I haven't heard at least once before in my 35 years in this field."
"Doc, with all due respect, can we skip the pleasantries?" Elliot said. "Can we just get to the point? Just tell us how much time is left before my kids have to plan a funeral."
"Elliot, stop!" Olivia said, her "Captain" tone bleeding through. "She hasn't said anything like that yet. Will you stop trying to get her to sign your death certificate before it's even been written? There are options."
Olivia turned to the doctor, giving her a look that she might give a perp in interrogation.
"He does have options, right?"
"I don't want to sugarcoat it and say this will be easy," Maggie said. "But I can tell you that the fact that we believe we caught the cancer early is a good sign."
"You… believe you caught it early?" Elliot asked, skeptical of the doctor's wording.
"We need to figure out how fast it's growing and do what we can to treat it quickly to prevent it from having the chance to spread," she said.
"How likely is it to spread? What's my hus—my partner's prognosis?" Olivia said, trying not to think too hard about how easily she'd almost slipped and called Elliot her husband.
"We'll need to do more tests to know for sure. It depends on your overall health and the aggressiveness of the tumor, Elliot," she said. "We also don't know how long you've been in stage two. Right now the cancer is solely in your right kidney. Our goal is to get rid of it before it goes anywhere else. I can't promise you a guarantee, but the five-year survival rate at this stage is 74%. It's not perfect, but you do have a chance of beating this."
It was a spark of hope, but it didn't do much to alleviate the fear and devastation in the room. At the end of the day, it was an unpredictable disease.
The doctor continued when neither partner responded.
"Surgery would be the most effective course of treatment, but of course, that comes with risks," she said. "We could remove part of your kidney, and save any healthy tissue, or we could do a radical nephrectomy and remove your entire kidney. If we did that, we'd have to ensure that your other kidney was healthy enough on its own to maintain function. This all takes time, but I'll give you a pamphlet to look through so you can make the decision you're most comfortable with."
"Thank you," Elliot said, releasing his death grip on Olivia's hand long enough to take the pamphlet and other paperwork from the doctor.
She gave them a kind smile.
"I know this is a lot to take in. I don't want to overwhelm you too much," she said. "Talk things over with your partner, your kids, and your support system. This packet tells you about the surgery, as well as radiation and immunotherapy if you're interested in that."
"What about chemo?" Olivia asked.
"We generally don't use chemotherapy to treat this kind of cancer," the doctor said. "Cancer cells in the kidney generally don't respond well to chemo."
Maggie noticed Elliot and Olivia exchanging a look, communicating without words. Elliot nodded at something without Olivia so much as opening her mouth, then Olivia turned to speak again.
"How soon would he be able to have the surgery?" she asked.
"We'd need to make sure he's healthy enough first, that his left kidney can function on its own, things like that. If you're fit for surgery, Detective Stabler, we'll try to get you in as soon as possible."
Elliot huffed, biting the inside of his cheek.
"Ok. Anything else?" he asked.
"I know it's not easy, but because you'll need time to recover after the surgery and will be on medical leave, I would tell your supervisor and colleagues as soon as possible," she said.
Olivia took Elliot's hand again, knowing that was a conversation he was dreading almost as much as telling his kids. After losing Whelan, the Organized Crime squad was still grieving. It was going to be rough, especially to tell Ayanna and Jet.
"Captain Benson, as part of his support system, it's important for you to have people in your corner too," the doctor said. "You have to take care of yourself."
Under less serious circumstances, Elliot might've snorted.
"I'll make sure she does, Doc," he said.
Olivia narrowed her eyes at him but didn't comment. She wasn't going to talk to anyone unless he was comfortable with it, and the only person on her squad that she would consider confiding in is Fin.
"I'm not the one that's sick." Olivia said.
"Still, someone you love is," Maggie said, giving them a knowing look. "You've been partners for how long?"
"I've been a pain in her ass for a quarter of a century, give or take ten years," Elliot replied, sharing his real message to Olivia with his eyes.
I've been in love with you for a quarter of a century even while I was gone.
"Please, you were still a pain in my ass when you were in Italy," Olivia countered. "I would hear your voice in my head, even when I didn't want it there."
I missed you and was never able to let you go.
"My point is," the doctor interrupted them. "It's important for loved ones to look after themselves too so that they're able to be a strong support for the patient. Having a good support system is crucial for a battle like this one. I know you're both in law enforcement. What unit are you in, if you don't mind me asking?"
"We worked in Special Victims together for 13 years. I'm in Organized Crime now, she's CO of SVU," Elliot said, pride in his voice talking about Olivia and all she'd accomplished.
"Well, I'm sure you know, in your profession, how important it is to have people around you that have your back. It's a scientific fact that humans need social support to survive things like trauma or illness," the doctor said. "Resilience is about resources, not ruggedness. None of us were meant to do everything on our own. Needing support isn't a weakness. Have you talked to the rest of your family yet, Elliot?"
It wasn't lost on either of them that the doctor had said the rest of his family.
Olivia still wasn't sure how to process that he'd said she and Noah were family back in January.
"No, I haven't," Elliot replied. "I didn't want to tell them anything until we had more information."
"It'll definitely be a difficult conversation. The truth is that nothing is a 100% guarantee," Maggie said. "Surgery, as I'm sure you know, comes with complications. If there's a chance that your remaining kidney doesn't function properly, it can fail. But in my opinion, surgery is the best chance you have at beating this right now. It's an inpatient procedure so you'll likely be spending several days in the hospital. We'll need to monitor you to ensure you don't get an infection. There's a lot of uncertainty that comes with this diagnosis, and I would advise you for your first step to tell the people you trust so you have them in your corner."
Elliot sighed, feeling Olivia massage the back of his neck.
"Ok. Thanks, Doc."
"Didn't I tell you to call me Maggie?" she said, trying to lighten the mood. "We'll want to get your next appointment scheduled as soon as possible if you choose the surgery so we can check on how much we will be removing, and the functioning of your other kidney. If we can remove the entire right kidney, that may be the best option due to the size of the tumor."
"Thank you, Maggie," Olivia replied, sensing that Elliot was too overwhelmed to speak.
"You're both welcome," she said. "Feel free to call if you have questions. I'm part of your support team too."
They nodded, but neither of them spoke again until she had left the room.
"Husband?" Elliot said once they were alone.
Olivia rolled her eyes, thankful for the moment of levity.
"Everything she told us and that is what you focus on?"
"Would you shoot me if I said I liked the sound of it?" Elliot said, giving her a smirk.
"I may be tempted, yes," she said.
He paused for a long moment.
"It might hurt less than this."
Something dark crossed over Olivia's features, but she shook it away.
"El, do you want—"
"I can't tell them, Liv," he said. "I don't—how the hell am I supposed to tell the kids? And mama? The state she's in… I don't know if she could handle it."
The truth was, Olivia wasn't sure how the older woman would react either.
"Ok, so… maybe we start with talking to Bell, and go from there," Olivia said. "Take a day or two to decide how to tell Bernie and your kids."
"It's gonna kill Ayanna too," he said, sounding defeated.
They didn't have the kind of partnership he and Olivia did, but they still had a strong bond.
"I know. This is at your pace, El." Olivia said, speaking in a soft voice. "I just think that the longer you wait the harder it will be to tell people about it."
"I hear you," he said.
The sound of the ticking clock felt ominous, as if it was taunting them that they were running out of time. Elliot was looking down at the floor, and Olivia wished she could think of something to say to make things better.
"Are you hungry at all?" she asked. "Do you wanna stop and get lunch?"
"Not really," he said.
She should have seen that coming.
"Where does Fin think you are?" he asked. "Do you need to go back to work?"
"I told him I had something I needed to take care of and that I wasn't sure I'd be in today," she said.
"You can go in if you need to. I'll be fine," he said.
"El—"
"Really," he said. "I think I just—"
"Don't you dare push me away," she warned. "If you need space I'll give you space, but don't push me away."
"I won't," Elliot said, trying to ease her fears. "I'm glad you're here. I really am, but I don't think there's much else you can do today."
"Ok, well, I can drop you off at OCCB, or home if you aren't sure you can work today," she said.
"No, no I need to work," he said. "You know that better than anyone."
She did. Their jobs gave them purpose. It may not be the healthiest thing in the world, but throwing themselves into their work, avoiding their own problems by focusing on other people's, was what they did.
"I do, but you have to let yourself rest too, El," she said. "You would tell me the same thing."
"I hate when you're right," he grumbled.
"I guess it's a good thing you've had a lot of chances to get used to it," she said.
Her attempt at humor fell flat when she heard him sigh heavily and noticed his eyes were glassy. She got back onto the exam table, pulling his head to her chest.
She couldn't tell him everything would be ok. Neither of them knew that for sure and that was never helpful.
She couldn't tell him she loved him. She did, so much. But she was nowhere near ready to say the words.
She was also trying not to think about the fact that his face was currently nuzzling her breast, and what that could mean under very different circumstances.
A few tears slipped from his eyes and wet her shirt, and she placed a gentle, lingering kiss to the top of his head.
Neither needed to say anything. They'd always been able to communicate without words, and it was a rare occasion when they allowed tears to fall.
She just held him as everything sank in.
Like she knew he'd do for her if she let him.
A/N: Thanks for reading!
