Jennie

The muffled vibrations of my cell phone from its spot under my pillow forces my eyes open. I blink the sleep out of them, pull my ear plugs out of each ear, and slide my hand under my pillow to answer the phone.

"Jesus, Jennie. What the hell is that noise? It sounds like a monster. Is there a monster in your house?"

I chuckle at Minnie's question and roll over onto my back and look over at Lisa who's fast asleep next to me.

"No, there isn't a monster in my house," I whisper. "That growling snort you hear is Lisa snoring."

Once again I thank the good Lord for blessing me with the best earplugs in the world. Not something people typically give thanks for, but I am pretty sure God felt slighted because he is only remembered for the big stuff. I firmly believe there is a special place for me in heaven because I remember to thank him for Southern Butter Pecan coffee creamer and Coochy Cream shaving gel.

"Wow, she really needs to get that checked out," Minnie informs me. "You know, I read something the other day that maybe she should try. It said taking those relaxative things for a few days will make your whole body healthier. Maybe that would fix her sinuses."

"Did you say relaxative? Minnie, what the hell is a relaxative?"

I fling the covers off of me and sit up in bed so I can wake up a little more and be able to talk to her with a clear head. I doubt it will help, but here's to hoping.

"You know," she says with a huff, "R-E-L-A-X-A-T-I-V-E."

The fact that she feels the need to enunciate the word like I am the one with the problem and my inability to understand is irritating her makes me want to shank her.

"I heard the word. I just don't know what the hell you're talking about," I complain as I get out of bed and stretch before making my way out into the hall.

"You know, those pills you take to flush out your system. Relaxatives."

I open Gabi's bedroom door across the hall from our room and peek in on him. He was still out, lying on his back horizontally across his bed with his head hanging off of the edge. There's no way that can be comfortable but I'm not about to move him back up to his pillow and run the risk of waking him up before I've had my coffee. I shut the door quietly and go back to dealing with Minnie while I head to the kitchen.

"I think you mean laxatives," I tell her with a sigh. "And they aren't really supposed to be used to flush out your system. Where the hell did you even read that about snoring?"

"Google. So you know it's true. Tell Lisa to try it and you can thank me with chocolate when it works," she replies.

I stop in my tracks in the kitchen doorway at the sight before me, unable to even formulate a reply to Minnie about how making Lisa shit her brains out most likely would not stop her snoring.

"So anyway, I was calling to ask you if Sehun was still at your house. I got a text from him last night as I was leaving your shop that the Cat in the Hat told him he should spend the night. I have no idea what that meant, but as long as I got the whole bed to myself I didn't care."

After the girls had helped me put together the huge chocolate and cookie order last night for a wedding today, we all left to go home. Gabi had fallen asleep in the car so when I got in the house, I bypassed the kitchen and went straight down the hall to his bedroom and then put myself to bed next to a snoring Lisa.

I don't know whether I should be happy that I didn't see this sight last night or not. On his back, with his arms and legs flung out to the side, is Sehun. Asleep. ON MY KITCHEN TABLE. His ass now rests exactly where I usually put the salt and pepper shakers.

"Yes, he's still here. I need to hang up now so I can beat his ass," I tell her as I walk up to the table, hold the phone between my cheek and shoulder, and then use both of my hands to shove him as hard as I could. His limp body slides easily across the table and crashes to the floor on the other side.

"Don't hurt my pookie-bear!" Minnie yells through the phone.

I walk around the table and stand by Sehun's head, looking down at him as he groans.

"Wow, did I sleep on your floor all night?" Sehun asks as he opens his eyes and glances up at me from the floor. "You really should consider putting in carpet instead of hardwood. This stuff is really uncomfortable."

Sehun rolls over onto all fours with another groan and slowly stands up, twisting and turning as he moves to try and crack his back.

"Get. Out. Of. My. House," I tell him as calmly as I can without screaming and waking up Lisa and Gabi.

"Tell him I love him and that my vagina misses him!" Minnie yells excitedly.

"Minnie says to tell you that you need to GET YOUR SORRY ASS OUT OF MY HOUSE!"

"Heeeeey, that's not what I said," Minnie mutters.

"Minnie, I'll call you back."

I hang up the phone and open my mouth to tell Sehun to get out of my house again, just in case he hadn't hear me the first two times, when Gabi comes running into the kitchen in his pajamas.

"Hi, Uncle Sehun!" he says excitedly as he runs up to Sehun. Just as Sehun starts to bend over to greet him, Gabi pulls his elbow back and catapults his fist right between Sehun's legs.

Sehun falls down on his knees with a yelp and I laugh. I know you're not supposed to laugh when your child does something he shouldn't, but I feel this was deserved. I had just found Sehun passed out in the middle of the table we eat on. He's lucky I didn't stop Gabi and give him a baseball bat first.

"Gabi, dude, we had a rule!"

At the sound of her voice, I turn to find Lisa walking into the room rubbing sleep from one eye. She kisses my cheek as she steps around me and kneels down to Gabi's level.

"Gabi, what was our rule?" Lisa asks while Sehun clutches his junk, alternating between coughing and making some strange whining noise that reminds me of the sound a balloon makes when you pinch and stretch the opening of it and slowly let the air out.

"No nut shots before lunch," Gabi replies solemnly.

"Right, no nut shots before lunch. And do you know what time it is?" Lisa asks.

"I can't tell time," Gabi states.

"Have you had lunch yet?" Lisa asks.

"No."

"Then it's before lunch. Tell Uncle Sehun you're sorry."

Gabi sighs and turns to face Sehun who has finally stopped moaning and is in the process of getting back to his feet.

"I'm sorry I shot you in the nuts before lunch," Gabi mumbles. "Can I have some cereal now?" he asks as he looks at me and away from Sehun.

"Sure, baby," I tell him with a smile as I take his hand and walk him toward one of the kitchen chairs. I take one look at the table and veer us in the direction of a bar stool at the island instead. I need to bleach Sehun's ass from that table before we ever eat there again.

"My testicles are sitting in my stomach right now. How can you even think about cereal?" Sehun asks as he limps over to the counter and grabs his keys.

"Your tentacles are dumb and I'm hungry," Gabi replies around a mouthful of Lucky Charms as I finish pouring the milk in his bowl.

"Whatever, kid. Thanks for letting me crash, guys. I'm gonna make like a fetus and head out."

I let out a big sigh when the door closes behind Sehun.

"The next time I find him asleep on any piece of furniture in this house, I'm taking it out on you," I tell Lisa.

She comes up behind me and wraps her arms around my waist and places a kiss to the curve of my neck.

"Deal," she replies as she rests her chin on my shoulder.

"You realize you made a rule with your son that states he has permission to punch people in the nuts after lunch, correct?"

"Yeah. It sounded good at the time when I made the rule. He had just shown me for the second time the power of his punch, and I was crippled on the ground at the park at the time, so I might not have had full brain function."

I stand there for a few minutes, enjoying the feel of Lisa's arms around me as we watch our son scarf down his breakfast.

"I want to have your parents over for dinner," I told her as I turn in her arms and rest my hands against her chest. "I want to cook something really delicious, ply them with alcohol and chocolate, and make them like me. Or at least drunk enough to forget why they don't."

Lisa chuckles and tightens her arms around me.

"Babe, they like you. I swear. My grandma even said you had spunk."

"That's old person speak for 'she's bat shit crazy and I'm afraid I'll bust a hip just being in the same room with her when I beat her ass.' I need a chance to make a better first impression," I explain.

"Your FIRST, first impression was just fine. You're forgetting who my best friend is. The first time they met Sehun he crashed at our house one night in high school. My mom found him sleepwalking in the middle of the night. She walked into the living room and he was peeing on the couch. Believe me, they've seen it all," Lisa reassures me.

"Sehun is a moron. He shouldn't be allowed in public without a leash and a handler. I am the mother of their grandson. I shouldn't be talking about a whale's vagina on their Facebook pages. I should be posting pictures of their grandson at a museum studying the works of Michelangelo and posting status messages about my philanthropic work like holding babies in orphanages and hugging homeless people."

Lisa stares at me quizzically for a few minutes.

"Will you say something?" I demand.

"Sorry, I'm just trying to figure out if you're serious or not."

"Why the hell wouldn't I be serious? I could totally be that person. I could be that person and you wouldn't even know it," I tell her indignantly as I cross my arms in front of me.

"Oh, I'm pretty sure I would notice if you suddenly turned into a completely different person," she tells me with a laugh.

"Are you saying I'm not a nice person? That I wouldn't cuddle a strange baby or make a homeless guy feel special? Because I would totally do all of that. Maybe I've already been doing it behind your back. Maybe instead of going to the dentist the other day I went to a PETA meeting and threw fake blood on rich people wearing fur. Maybe Gabi has been learning French at night while you're at work."

I crane my neck behind me to look at Gabi.

"Hey, say something in French," I tell him.

"I like french fries," he tells me as he looks up from his cereal bowl with milk dripping down his chin.

"See?" I say as I turn back to face Lisa. "He can already use a word in a sentence."

"Okay, stop. Take a deep breath. Of course I think you're a nice person. I think you're an amazing person. But I think we all know that you are not a Stepford Wife and Gabi isn't conjugating French verbs while listening to Mozart."

"MY WIENER EXPLODED!"

Lisa drops her arms from my waist, and I jump around in horror at Gabi's scream.

"Never mind. I just spillded milk on it. I have a milk wiener now."

I shake my head and turn back to face Lisa.

"I rest my case," she says with a laugh.

I frown and try to act indignant but Lisa can see the wheels turning in my head and cuts me off.

"I love both of you exactly the way you are. I love that you have no filter, and I adore that Gabi can make grown men cry. There is not one thing I would change about either one of you, and if anyone doesn't like it, they can kiss my ass. You guys are my life and my family now. Nothing else matters."

Lisa bends down and presses a soft kiss to my lips and pulls me tighter against her. Her words push aside some of my fears about her family, but it doesn't change the fact that I still want to try again with them. I plan on spending a very long time with this person. I'm still not sold on the whole marriage thing, but I still want her in my life forever, which means I needed to find a way to get on her parents' good side one way or another. If I have to get them drunk, so be it.

"Thank you. But I still want to have your parents over for dinner. I want to at least show them I can act like an adult most of the time."