Reality hits hard. Riley, sunken over a trash can, felt like a wall fell on top of her. Maya's words lingering,
"I need you to come home…"
"...please."
Maya knew just how to get into the place where Riley was her most vulnerable, most authentic. Hearing Maya beg for her, it struck something inside her she didn't know she had. Gretchen looked and had asked Riley if she was okay, meanwhile Riley was collapsing. Her body give into all her stress, fumbling a bit, Gretchen holding her up, or as best she could with Riley holding onto her bag and the letter. For a brief moment Riley let a sob out, gripping Gretchen without looking at her. Gretchen sighed, but let go of her frustration as she understood that this was serious. She gave Charlotte a look, and hobbled Riley the short distance to their dorm. Once there, Riley paused in the doorway, remembering being in that room. With no notice, she spotted the trash can, dropped everything, and wretched, falling to her knees, and desperately keeping her hair out of the way. There was a ringing in her head, that softness, desperate,
"...please…"
"...come home…"
Her body fought her, and Riley had no choice but to try and hold on while she was uncontrollably throwing up. Gretchen did what she could, and Riley was no longer aware of the world around her. She noticed Charlotte coming in the room, but their voices were distorted somehow.
After there was nothing more to get rid of, Riley was given some mouthwash and water, and Charlotte wiped off her face. Riley exhaustedly reached for her bag and snatched the envelope she had stuck in the side pocket, bunched it, and curled up to it. She rested her head on it, and felt Charlotte's hand on her shoulder, which Riley no longer had the energy to avoid. Seeing Riley needed some time, Charlotte just took Gretchen and left the room. Riley took the much needed opportunity to rest for a moment.
"I think we should just give her a bit to cool down, and then take her over to Bobst."
"Charlotte what the heck is going on?"
After a brief explanation of the circumstances, Gretchen looked past Charlotte into the sliver that gave way to their room, Riley in a puddle on the floor resting on her bag.
"So what do we do? Honestly I think she would rather have you walk with her. Someone has to stay back and clean up the mess. I'll take care of it."
Charlotte agreed, and replied,
"I am giving her 10 minutes, then try to get her to Bobst where Josh is waiting."
"Okay."
After what she felt was enough time, Charlotte gently reentered her dorm, Riley not quite asleep or awake, but somewhere in between. She called out, and again placed her hand on Riley's shoulder.
"Riley, hey."
Riley shot awake, without enough awareness to respond.
Charlotte had come in with a plan.
"Hey, Maya explained what happened. We don't need to talk about it, but can you stand up? Let me help you."
She reached out, and Riley decided to trust her and allow it. It took her a moment to register that her legs would in fact support her, and stood holding onto Charlotte's hands.
"There, do you feel lightheaded, like passing out?"
"No." She somberly answered back.
"Take this water in case you decide you need it," She said, holding it out for Riley to put in her bag, which Riley accepted.
"Can I get you something to eat?"
Riley shook her head, and Charlotte acknowledged. Charlotte came closer to her, and asked her,
"Riley, I can't force you to do anything, but I need you to come on a walk with me, okay? I am not trying to trick you, Josh is waiting at the library, will you come with me?"
Reluctantly, Riley knew though Charlotte couldn't force her, Riley in actuality didn't really have much of a choice, she agreed. The two walked through the halls, and Riley felt almost numb. When she got outside, the breeze made her shudder, and she realized she had lost a sense of time. Several hours had passed, and it seemed to be sometime in the early evening. A sense of dread set in, but Riley wouldn't allow herself to go there and consider those things at this point.
It was not a far walk, and Charlotte tried to at least get Riley to talk and feel comfortable.
"Riley, we don't have to talk, but I did have a question. Why did you come to us?"
She paused, then answered,
"I didn't know where else to go. I panicked."
"I am glad you felt safe coming to me. You know, Maya seemed pretty worried when she called."
Letting that settle in, Charlotte pushed a bit more,
"You think she likes you?"
Riley stopped dead.
"Did she say something?"
"No Riley. I have seen lots of girls get upset over relationships, and regardless of you moving, I think Maya is what you are really upset about."
Riley kept walking, not answering. Charlotte broke the silence,
"Do you like her?"
She couldn't say it, just stopped and made eye contact with Charlotte, understanding what the answer was.
"Okay." Charlotte made sure Riley took notice of her next reply,
"There isn't anything wrong about that, and it's not something to be ashamed about. If no one has ever told you that, I hope you let my words sink in. It's okay to like a girl, to be gay or just to be different."
Riley took a deep breath in. She knew that already, but hearing Charlotte say it to her so earnestly, hit Riley in a way she wasn't expecting. Her eyes teared a bit, and she nodded.
"There, not so hard to admit, hmm? Hardest person to come out to, the one that sometimes takes the longest, is yourself."
Charlotte put her hands on Riley's shoulders,
"You get to decide what you want, who you are, and the people you want to keep close to you. Right now, you don't know everything about yourself, just understand what you can with where you are now, and keep taking notice as time goes by. I think Maya won't go too far away from you, she cares too much to stray. I won't say anything about how you feel about her, it's not my place to share."
"I kissed my best friend, ran off and abandoned my parents and my brother, figured out I love her-"
Riley repeats, almost saying it to herself,
"-I love her."
She continued,
"What a mess."
"Hey, just focus on what you can. Change will always come,"
She assured Riley,
"Sometimes it can be good."
They take a moment, and acknowledge what they have shared, and mutually finish their journey to the library.
