Hey fans! Without further ado, here is part one of XCW Equal Pain! I own nothing.

PS. RIP Terry Funk (1944-2023) and Windham Rotunda aka Bray Wyatt (1987-2023). This chapter is dedicated to their lives and legacies.


And now. . .MW Industries proudly presents. . .XCW EQUAL PAIN!

"Girl Gone Wild" by Madonna played as pyro exploded from the titantron, after which thousands of fans were standing in a huge arena cheering and holding up signs of many different colors and phrases.

"HELLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOO XCW FAITHFUL! Tonight is a night all of us at Xtreme Cartoon Wrestling and everyone in the fiction wrestling world will never forget, whether it's for the broadcast of a first time ever match against two legends of our industry, or the crowning of our first-ever women's tag team champions, history will be made live here in Middleton! Welcome to XCW Equal Pain, our first-ever all-women's pay-per-view, where we are live inside the Tri-City Arena raring and ready to go for tonight's wrestling, and I'm beyond honored to have the opportunity to call this incredible night! Hello, everyone I am Mimi Tachikawa with Master Shake here at ringside and Shake, you may not be excited to be here, but I sure am, because our women's roster is going to come out of its shell and impress the fiction wrestling world with an explosion of talent!"

"Yeah, either the cocks of all the men here are gonna explode, or the women on our roster are gonna erupt in blood upon taking a bump!" Shake declared. "Either way you better have an umbrella, because it's either gonna rain red or white tonight!"

"I'm not gonna let you ruin tonight for me, Shake!" Mimi said. "Because tonight in our main event, my best friend Sora Takenouchi puts her Xtreme Cartoon Wrestling Women's Championship on the line in a First Time Ever match against The Original Avenger, Wasp. It's Legend versus Legend with legacies on the line in our co-main event, and I couldn't be more excited to learn who the better woman is!"

"By that logic, are you even qualified to call that match?" Shake wondered. "You have a bigger hard-on for your friend than Lou Holtz does for Notre Dame! You're BIASED and I'm calling for your FIRING!"

"Oh, bite me, you hateful asshole!" Mimi yelled. "I'm more qualified to be here than you are because–"

"-you don't have balls?" Shake quipped.

"-because I'm a PROFESSIONAL! And as such, I'm more than eager to get Equal Pain underway with our opening contest!" Mimi declared, as Hello Nurse entered the ring and stood in the center of the canvas with a microphone in hand.


"The following contest is an Open Challenge match scheduled for one fall!"

The crowd exploded with cheers of excitement. . .

. . .

. . .that grew even LOUDER when the following sound exploded on the Titantron. . .

. . .

"ARE YOU READY?"

"Stoopid Ass" by Grand Theft Audio played from the beginning as the crowd erupted into more cheers.

"You think you can tell us what to do? You think you can tell us what to wear? You think that you're better?"

The drums kicked in on the song.

"Well you better get ready. . .bow to the masters. . ."

Records scratch on the song - "BREAK IT DOWN!"

Once the heavy guitars kicked on, pyro exploded on the stage and Nazz jumped onto the stage from below it! Raising her hands above her head, Nazz strode down the ramp after splaying her arms on the stage and pointing at herself with a confident swagger.

"Introducing first. . .representing D-Generation Ed. . .from Peach Creek. . .she is 'The Assistant With Assets'. . .NAZZ!"

Nazz slid into the ring and climbed onto a turnbuckle to make the word 'ED' with her hands above her head, gesturing it toward the fans.

"Leading up to tonight, D-Ed's Assistant With Assets, Nazz, has had a month that she would like to forget." Mimi informed. "It got off to a good start with a huge win for her and D-Ed against Shenhua, Tommy Vercetti and Trevor Phillips in a main event of Monday Night Massacre, but the degenerate stable found themselves the victims of a terrible assault from the Three Crest Empire and XCW's World Heavyweight Champion! Everyone thought Nazz wasn't gonna make it to this history-making night, but sure enough, she recovered in plenty of time, and now wants to prove she's still rising through the ranks tonight by issuing an Open Challenge!"

Nazz stood in the center of the ring and did the DX crotch chop three times, setting off pyro from each turnbuckle each time.

"Yeah, and if you ask me, this is all a scam so Nazz can get an easy win!" Shake snapped. "She and Eddy are cut from the same cloth, I know it! He's so secretly infatuated with this girl that he taught her all his tricks of the scamming trade, and that includes moving like a snake in the grass to get your ass up the card! Well the joke's on her, because this open challenge is the opening contest! And if Nazz can't deliver, then Eddy better think about kicking her ass outta D-Ed, because she's nothing but a bunch of dead weight!"

"I wanted to pass the Bechdel test tonight. . ." Mimi sighed to herself. ". . .there goes that dream. . ."

Nazz stared down the ramp at the entranceway with anticipation until. . .

. . .

. . ."Here's To The Life" by MxPx PLAYED?!

"WAIT A MINUTE!" Mimi exclaimed. . .

. . .

. . .and the crowd ERUPTED with cheers. . .

. . .

. . .AS DOT WARNER SKIPPED ONTO THE STAGE, SPINNING FOR EFFECT TO A STANDING OVATION!

"DOT WARNER IS HERE!" Mimi shouted. "THE CUTE WARNER SISTER HAS ANSWERED NAZZ'S OPEN CHALLENGE! THE WCW LEGEND, AND ONE OF THE FACES OF WRESTLING NEXT DOOR'S WOMEN'S DIVISION HAS ARRIVED TO XTREME CARTOON WRESTLING!"

"Cute Warner Sister?" Shake screamed sarcastically. "That's PEDOPHILIA, Mimi! Now I really AM gonna cancel ya, just like what should've been done to Licorice Pizza!"

Dot Warner curtseyed for the audience before skipping down the ramp, giving high-fives to the fans along the left barricade before maneuvering to the opposite one to greet fans on the right side, while Nazz looked on, eyes wide in disbelief!

"Shake, I have more dirt on YOU than a country road!" Mimi snapped in disgust. "But as far as what I have on Dot Warner: she's a multiple time WCW Women's Champion, an ambassador for WND, and as far as we're concerned, she is the ORIGINATOR of all things degeneracy! Without Dot and her brothers Yakko and Wakko, there wouldn't BE D-Generation Ed. So Nazz has gotta be feeling equal parts grateful, excited and CONSTANTLY on her guard, because as the queen of cartoonish buffoonery, Dot is notorious for playing tricks on her opponents in the ring. It's all in well-meaning fun, but Nazz is all business tonight, Shake. I have a feeling these two different generations of degeneracy are going to get Equal Pain off to a phenomenal start!"

Dot slid into the ring and climbed onto a turnbuckle, splaying her arms and firing a cannon of flowers into the crowd. "THERE! Now you all smell pretty!" she said, before stepping onto the mat and moving to the opposite corner to shoot flowers in the other direction.

"Now that you're done spouting off whatever crap Space Ghost just fed ya into that microphone, lemme tell ya the REAL truth about Dot." Shake said. "This has to be Dot's first match in several YEARS. Let's be real: when was the last time WND had a show? 2013? 2018? Was it before or after that Lucius Lyon guy gobbled it up and added it to his Infinity Gauntlet of indie shit? How does time even WORK here? I don't know that, and I don't think Dot has the speed or the endurance to keep up with Nazz, but also last the match! Hell, this is PROOF of my point! Nazz rigged this open challenge for Dot to answer because she knows she's old news and wants an easy win! Watch, she's gonna lay down for the blonde bimbo right here and now, just watch! You got two eyes, USE 'EM!"

Dot came to the center of the ring to stare down Nazz while the crowd was chanting, "HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!" and "X-C-DUB! X-C-DUB!" and "WOMEN'S WRESTLING! WOMEN'S WRESTLING!" until the bell rang and the match began, upon which Dot curtsied in what appeared to be a friendly gesture in Nazz's direction. The Assistant With Assets' response to it, however. . .

. . .was a D-X crotch chop! The crowd exploded with more excitement over Nazz's rebellious gesture, only for Dot to smile in the camera's direction before offering a handshake to Nazz, adding "Very funny. But let's make this a good one" off-mic. The Assistant With Assets accepted the handshake. . .

. . .

. . .ONLY FOR DOT TO SLIP HER HAND OUT OF HER GLOVE BEFORE NAZZ COULD GRIP IT AND SLUG HER IN THE FACE WITH A RIGHT HAND!

"AND DOT WARNER LANDS THE FIRST PUNCH!" Mimi exclaimed, as Dot sent Nazz reeling into the corner with a series of right hands. The Cute Warner Sister then leapt up for an Enziguri but Nazz ducked out of the way and locked Dot in a waist-lock, then release German suplexed her into the corner! Dot then followed it up with a series of kicks to Nazz in the corner until the Assistant With Assets rolled out of the way and put Dot in a waist-lock before rolling her up 1. . .Dot kicked out! The two made it to their feet and met in a tie-up, with Dot spinning to face Nazz's behind and sending her reeling forward into the corner with a dropkick to her back! The Cute Warner Sister then ran toward Nazz and dropped her onto the mat with a Dragon Screw! Dot went for the cover 1. . .2. . .Nazz kicked out! Dot pulled Nazz up by her shirt and slugged her with a three-punch combination, then went to clothesline Nazz over the top rope, but the Assistant With Assets pulled the rope down and sent Dot to land feet-first onto the apron! However, Dot leapt over the top rope and dropped Nazz on her head with a tornado DDT! Dot went for the cover 1. . .2. . .Nazz kicked out!

Dot then pulled Nazz up by the shirt and went for an Irish whip only for Nazz to counter it with an Irish whip of her own! The Assistant With Assets then hit Dot with a roundhouse kick on the bounceback that sent the Cute Warner Sister reeling against the ropes, but Nazz charged toward her foe to clothesline her over the top rope, but Dot pulled downwards on the top rope to cause the Assistant With Assets to fly over it. . .only to land feet-first on the apron! Nazz then followed it up with a dropkick before driving Dot on her face with a slingshot bulldog! Nazz then went for the cover, hooking the leg 1. . .2. . .Dot kicked out! Nazz then pulled Dot up by her ears and slugged her in the face with a three-punch combination that sent her reeling into the corner. Nazz then went for another Irish whip, only for Dot to catch the ropes adjacent to the opposite corner and lift herself up with them before making impact with the turnbuckles! Nazz charged toward Dot, running underneath her just as Dot struck her with knees to her back before going for a poisonrana, but Nazz caught her legs and dropped her in the center of the ring with an Electric Chair Drop! Nazz went for the cover 1. . .2. . .Dot kicked out!

"It's been an all-out striking affair in our opening contest tonight!" Mimi observed. "Who will gain the upper hand?"

"More like, who will break a nail first?" Shake wondered, to an eyebrow raise from Mimi.

Nazz vs. Dot Warner Match Summary

As Mimi alluded, this opening contest between Nazz and Dot Warner was very strike-based, and that transitioned into something more technical once Nazz caught one of Dot's punches and countered it into an armbar! The Assistant With Assets would continue her focus on The Warner Sister's limbs like this over the course of the first half of the match, whether it was by stomping on her elbows or trapping her in submission maneuvers, like the figure four leg lock. In this instance, the referee asked Dot if she wanted to quit, but she violently shook her head no, instead electing to use her years of experience to fight out of it not with a counter, but by sitting up while still in it and nail Nazz in the chin with a right hand, finally breaking the hold! Then Dot would gain control of the contest, quickening the pace with speedy strikes and comedic bits that threw The Assistant With Assets off-guard. An example of the former came when Nazz was hung up on the top rope following a brawl on the ring apron, which Dot followed up with a diving high knee to the side of Nazz's head off the top rope! Meanwhile, a latter bit of trademark Warner comedy came after Nazz dropped Dot with a shoulder breaker, which caused The Warner Sister to cry in agonizing pain, as she sold her shoulder with a legitimate injury. Nazz knelt down to check on Dot in concern, only for The Warner Sister to catch her by surprise with a rollup that "accidentally" pulled her tights down to reveal her Hello Kitty briefs! After THAT particular spot, Nazz's face turned red with embarrassment before Dot drove her skull-first into the mat with a spike hurricanrana that got a two-count! The match came to a hotly contested end, however, with the two former Women's Champions trading Bronco Busters, and Nazz dropping Dot with a plethora of grappling moves onto the canvas with all the strength she had. The conclusion came when an exhausted Nazz pulled Dot up after a kickout in a headlock, calling her shot by pointing at a nearby top rope. The Assistant With Assets sprinted forward and leapt up for All That Nazz, but Dot countered it by crotching Nazz on the top rope! The Warner Sister then blindsided Nazz with a roundhouse kick to the side of her head that brought her back into the ring, then dropped her on her head with the D.O.T. (Evenflow DDT) for the win!


After the match. . .

The referee raised Dot's arm in victory as the crowd erupted into repeated chants of, "YOU STILL GOT IT!" while Nazz had made it to one knee behind her.

"The crowd couldn't be more proud of Dot Warner's debut in XCW, and neither can I, Shake!" Mimi declared. "Nazz may have had the youth advantage, but Dot was able to outsmart her with swift strikes and incendiary sense of humor! It's wonderful to see her in an XCW ring, and I couldn't be more excited to see where The Cute Warner Sister goes from here!"

"Of course this old fossil beat Nazz, because our women's roster can't fight its way out of a soggy Chipotle bag!" Shake snapped. "The Assistant With Assets is better off quitting wrasslin and working as a waitress at HOOTERS! That way her assets will make her some REAL money if ya know what I mean!"

Mimi sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose before looking up to see Dot turn around and face Nazz, who had made it to a standing position.

"I'd say something in response to that Shake, but we may have some action in the ring!" Mimi observed, as Nazz extended her hand out for a handshake.

"Aw great, she's probably gonna give her one with an electric buzzer. YAWN!" interjected Shake, as Dot glanced down at her opponent's hand. . .

. . . before looking back into the eyes of Nazz's genuinely kind facial expression. . .

. . .

. . . and accepted the handshake with no frills to more applause from the crowd!

"When it comes to good sportsmanship, that's no laughing matter for Dot, especially on a night as historic as this!" Mimi said, as the two broke away and Dot skipped out of the ring. . .

. . .

. . .and…left behind a little white box with a brown tag addressed to Nazz?

"What's she doing now, gifting an engagement ring? Gay marriage better not be legal in this god forsaken city!" Shake yelled.

"She's just leaving behind a token of thanks for a solid opening contest!" Mimi assumed, as Nazz pulled up the box and slowly pulled open the lid. . .

. . . AND A GIANT GREEN CYCLOPTIC MONSTER WITH BIG LOBSTER HANDS POPPED OUT AND GROWLED AT NAZZ, CAUSING THE ASSISTANT WITH ASSETS TO COWER IN FEAR IN A CORNER!

"OH DEAR GOD!" Mimi screamed, pulling her cowgirl hat down over her eyes until the monster slipped back into its box. Nazz glared at Dot, who was rolling on the stage laughing while the fans in the stands laughed along, too.

"Well, Dot wouldn't be Dot if she didn't pull a joke like THAT." Mimi declared, as The Cute Warner Sister bowed on stage for the crowd before making her way backstage.

"Psh, talk about a cheap scare." Shake scoffed, as the show cut to himself and Mimi at the announcer's desk.. "A hooker I pick up from a bar in Jersey is more creative than that."

"Shake, we've only been through ONE MATCH and I'm already SICK of sitting next to you!" Mimi confessed. "Why did the anonymous chairman give YOU the right to award the winner of our next contest with a prize of YOUR choosing, and what kind of sick thing do you have to give them?"

"Because I am the TRUE voice of this company, Memes." Shake stated. "I am the most honest, trustworthy and transparent spokesperson in this company, so I know talent when I see it! And all the girls in tonight's battle royal better wow me or else my prize is good for NOTHING, just like Nazz AND Dot Warner!"

Mimi rolled her eyes. "Nevertheless, YES, ladies and gentlemen, our next match is indeed the Master Shake Invitational Battle Royal, and a plethora of talents from XCW as well as our developmental territory, Liberty City Wrestling will fight for whatever unholy abomination my broadcast partner wants to award the winner! But before that, we have a special address from XCW's newest corporate hire. Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for Xtreme Cartoon Wrestling's official Chief Branding Officer and tonight's Master of Ceremonies: Kudelia Aina Bernstein!"


"Whoopee." Shake exclaimed, dripping with sarcasm until a beautiful purple-eyed girl in a red Victorian-era dress and long, shining golden hair in a massive ponytail stepped onto the stage with a microphone in hand.

"Hello, ladies and gentlemen!" Kudelia greeted. "For those of you who don't know me, my name is Kudelia Aina Bernstein - I am the new Chief Branding Officer for Xtreme Cartoon Wrestling, tonight's Master of Ceremonies, and the officially appointed Supervisor for this company's Women's Division. You may ask, 'why does XCW need someone to keep an eye on its women's division? Space Ghost is right there!' Because while Space Ghost has done a stellar job as General Manager of XCW since its inception, it's very clear that Sora Takenouchi has given a lot of her own blood, sweat and tears to make herself the Ace of Women's Wrestling and one of XCW's top faces in either division.

But she cannot carry it all by herself. That comes from a collective of talented women who want to see XCW's women's division succeed. It has seen a lot of that in recent months, but I'm here to give XCW what its front office has been missing: a woman's touch. That comes with treating our rosters with compassion by evolving our strength and conditioning departments, hiring occupational therapists to keep everyone happy on the road, and offering everyone an equal opportunity for success. I have a plethora of innovative ideas for our women's division that will do just that, and that's why I will be working around the anonymous chairman's nefarious tactics to act in the women's division's best interest. I will also be evaluating each and every person in our women's division over the course of this historic night to see which ones are ready to fight on a bigger stage than this one. All of you will know what I mean before our main event. . .but in the meantime, I will be watching each and every match tonight from ringside.

By coming here tonight, you all will witness history. I look forward to getting to know all of you loyal XCW fans and everyone on our women's roster, and to announce my plans which will push women's wrestling in this company to the top of the proverbial ladder. Thank you all very much!"

With that, Kudelia strode down the ramp as her entrance music, "Raise Your Flag" by MAN WITH A MISSION, played throughout the arena, and made her way to the timekeeper's booth, which Hello Nurse opened to let the XCW Chief Branding Officer inside.

"Well Shake, change appears to be in the air tonight, and Kudelia Aina Bernstein appears to be ushering in nothing but good!" Mimi predicted. "I admire her confidence in our roster, and her promises to keep everyone in top physical and mental health. It's no secret that despite XCW's success, the anonymous chairman has made questionable decisions against the best interests of our roster since its inception while Space Ghost is occupied, and with The Maiden of Revolution in our front office, our roster will always have someone fighting for them in every way, shape or form. I'm excited to learn more about the opportunities she intends to give our women's division more opportunities to succeed later tonight!"

Kudelia entered the timekeeper's booth and smiled at Hello Nurse before taking her seat.

"Lemme guess, we hired her because the anonymous chairman has a WOKE AGENDA. Fucking GREEEEEEEAT." Shake dismissed. "If you think this is gonna stop me from saying how I feel about our women's division, ya better think AGAIN, Memes. Because somebody has to be the voice of TRUTH at ringside tonight, and the truth is that treating the girls on our roster with kindness won't make them BETTER, it'll just make them LAZIER. They won't WANT to IMPROVE. They won't be motivated because this naive princess will tell them they're great just for showing up when they're NOT. I'm not looking forward to learning what she has to say later unless she's judging everyone else that's fighting tonight harsher than Gene Fuckin' Shalit, because instead of lighting a fire under the ass of all these women, Kudelia's KISSING 'em and making these already weak women MORE of a laughingstock than they were BEFORE tonight!"

"...oh please, Kudelia, PLEEEEEEASE be listening to this…." Mimi prayed, as Kudelia waved toward the fans behind her at ringside until the show transitioned to a commercial break.


As Equal Pain returned from break, Jazz Fenton was striding down the backstage hallway of the arena until she heard someone exclaim, "JAZZ!" from off-screen. The NCW Originator turned in the direction of the voice and her face beamed with excitement upon recognizing the woman walking toward her from out of frame as–

"SAM!" Jazz exclaimed, as Sam Manson stepped into the scene to cheers from the crowd, receiving an embrace from her mutual friend.

"How are you?!" Sam asked, upon hugging Jazz.

"Great! It's so good to see you here! Are you signed, too?" Jazz wondered.

"I am! I start at LCW on Wednesday!" Sam informed.

"That's great! We can form the Ghost Getters as a tag team!" suggested Jazz. "Wouldn't that be fun?"

"Yeeeeeaaaaah. . .but can we come up with a better name this time?" Sam asked, grinning sheepishly.

"Oh come on! What's wrong with The Ghost Getters?" Jazz pondered.

"Well, for one thing. . .it isn't creative," said a male voice, which made the two friends turn in its direction with confusion.

"Who the heck are you two to say that?" asked Jazz.

"Yeah!. . .and why do you sound like men?" Sam added. . .

. . .

. . .as POPUKO and PIPIMI from Pop Team Epic stepped into frame.

"Because we want to," Pipimi responded.

"And we'll sound like women one chapter from now when this scene begins again." Popuko added.

"Uh…..huh," reacted Jazz.

"That's a. . .little strange. . ." Sam said, to wide, angry eyes from Popuko.

"HOW DARE YOU CALL US NAMES! YOU WILL PAY FOR YOUR INSOLENCE!" screamed Popuko in a deep, monstrous voice while her pupils shrunk to reveal the yellow of her eyes. "DAMN YOU TWO TO-–"

Jazz backed away from the Pop Team Epic duo in scared confusion while Sam was just struggling to hold back laughter at the absurdity of the situation. . .and Popuko's anger was cartoonishly and suddenly broken when she felt Pipimi's hand on her shoulder.

"It's okay. They'll see the gates of hell in time." Pipimi assured. "Or the gates of hell will see them."

"You're right." Popuko agreed, after calming down. "Let's go find a good seat in catering to watch the next match."

"Yeah, let's." Pipimi agreed, before double flipping off Jazz and Sam. "See you later, bitches!"

The Pop Team Epic duo strode past Jazz and Sam, who looked on at them at utter confusion.

"Did. . .we just make friends or enemies?" Jazz wondered, her eyebrow raised.

"I have no idea." Sam said. "This is like the time your brother thought Paulina was in love with him but it turns out she was under some sort of spell."

"Aaaaaaand this conversation has failed the Bechdel test." Jazz declared. "I love my brother too, Sam, but I'm really trying to separate myself from him here. To form my own legacy, you know?"

"Sorry. . .it just reminded me of that weird day at the water park." Sam grinned sheepishly.

"Don't forget to bring a towel!" exclaimed Towelie, who suddenly appeared out of nowhere.

Jazz furrowed her brow in confusion. "Um…what?"

"When you go to the water park, you have to dry off right after a ride so you don't make the ground too wet for others to walk. That's why Towelie says, 'Don't forget to bring a towel!'"

"Oooookaaaaaaay. . .?" Jazz understood.

"Thanks, Towelie." Sam deadpanned, before an awkward pause that was only broken when Towelie asked the following question.

"...you wanna get high?"

"No, we don't wanna get high!" Jazz shouted.

"I might!" Sam piped up, to a look of surprise from Jazz.

". . .before the main event. . .?" Sam smiled, blushing.

"Okay, see ya!" Towelie said, before leaving the scene.

"Come on, let's get to gorilla position before things get any weirder." Jazz suggested, to a nod from Sam, who followed her out of the scene before the show transitioned to the arena, where Hello Nurse stood in the center of the ring with a microphone in hand.


"The following contest is the Master Shake Invitational Over-The-Top Rope Battle Royal! All twenty-seven participants will begin this contest in the ring, and try to throw each other over the top rope. Eliminations will only count when both of a competitor's two feet hit the floor. The contest will continue until only one woman remains, and from there we will crown a winner and reward them with a prize from the match's originator: Master Shake!"

"Yeah! Nice rundown, Hello!" Shake applauded. "I knew you were good for SOMETHING!"

"If YOU had a hand in HR hiring this woman, Shake, I may just resign." Mimi sighed, before Hello Nurse made the following announcement, while the match's twenty-seven participants strode down the ramp and "Girl Gone Wild" by Madonna began to play throughout the arena.

"Introducing. . .the combatants. . .from the island village of Motunui. . .representing Disnevolution. . .MOANA!

From Arendelle. . .representing Disnevolution. . .ANNA!

From New New York City. . .TURANGA LEELA!

From New Jersey. . .JEAN GREY!

From Elwood City. . .representing The Elwood City Strikers. . .FRANCINE FRENSKY!

From Sarasaland. . .representing Royal AF. . .PRINCESS DAISY!

From Elwood City. . .representing The Elwood City Strikers. . .SUE ELLEN ARMSTRONG!

From The Cedar Forest. . .representing The Miyazaki Maidens. . .SAN!

From The Valley of the Wind. . .also representing The Miyazaki Maidens. . .NAUSICAA!

From The Kingdom of Llyr. . ."The Forgotten Princess". . .PRINCESS EILONWY!

From The City. . .'The Regular Robin'. . .MARGARET!

Representing Goosebumps United. . .CARLY BETH CALDWELL AND HANNAH FAIRCHILD-STEIN!

From Peach Creek. . .LEE AND MARIE KANKER!

From Birchwood, Minnesota. . .PEPPERMINT PATTY!

From New Port City, Japan. . .MOTOKO KUSANAGI!

From Aichi Prefecture. . .MOMO YAOYOROZU!

From Amity Park. . .SAM MANSON!

From The Kingdom of Agrabah. . .PRINCESS JASMINE!

From Muncie, Indiana. . .ARLENE!

From Gravity Falls, Oregon. . .WENDY CORDUROY!

From Amity Park. . .she is 'The NCW Originator'. . .JAZZ FENTON!

From Tokyo, Japan. . .she is the current Liberty City Wrestling Women's Champion. . .FUJIKO MINE!

From Washington, DC. . .REGAN MACNEIL!

From Odaiba, Japan. . .JUN MOTOMIYA!

And. . .from Great Britain. . .BELLATRIX LESTRANGE!"

All twenty-seven women struggled to make room for each other in the ring as it began to fill up with the battle royal's competitors.

"Well Shake, whether you intended this or not, you're doing a wonderful thing by putting this match together!" Mimi declared. "Thanks to you, twenty-eight women from Xtreme Cartoon Wrestling and its developmental territory have the opportunity of a lifetime to make something of themselves in XCW's first ever all-women's pay-per-view. No matter what kind of depraved prize you give when it's all said and done, this match has the potential to create a star right here, and right now!"

"Psh, I didn't do shit. The anonymous chairman asked me to suggest a match and I just threw everyone that didn't have one into this." Shake admitted. "Do you really think I want to be here, let alone give all twenty-seven of these untalented strippers the spotlight? What kind of math are you doing, anyway? The kind you women aren't good at?"

". . .the kind that asks for wishful thinking. . ." Mimi deadpanned, as Wendy Corduroy stared daggers at Fujiko from her side of the ring, Jazz was doing last second stretches, and Lee and Marie Kanker were hyping each other up. . .

. . .

. . .but then. . .Hello Nurse stood back up from the timekeeper's booth?

"Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen. . .but I have just been informed that there is a twenty-EIGHTH competitor in this battle royal!" Hello Nurse announced.

"WHAT?!" Shake exclaimed. "Who could Kudelia have POSSIBLY added to this thing?"

To that question, a small smile curved upwards on Mimi's face. . .

. . .

. . .as "Dance The Night" by Dua Lipa played. . .

. . .

. . .and on the Titantron appeared a name that caused the crowd to EXPLODE with cheers. . .

. . .

MIMI TACHIKAWA

"OH YOU'VE GOTTA BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!" exclaimed Shake, who turned toward his broadcast partner.

"NO I'M NOT, SHAKE!" Mimi yelled, as she stood up from her seat and pulled off her cowboy hat, letting her entire mane of light brown hair down before she tossed her hat into the crowd like a frisbee! "Need I remind you I am a FORMER XCF PRINCESS OF ANARCHY! IF YOU THINK I'M MISSING AN OPPORTUNITY TO FIGHT ON THIS NIGHT, THINK AGAIN!"

With that, Mimi ripped off her headset and pulled her pink maxi dress over herself, revealing she had been wearing pink and green wrestling gear underneath it! Her mutual friend Jun Motomiya looked on at this with excitement and happiness over having an ally in this upcoming contest.

"Thanks for the free striptease, Memes!" Shake quipped. "Now go in there and break a leg! I mean that LITERALLY."

Mimi immediately dashed into the ring, upon which the bell rang and the match began!

The Master Shake Invitational Battle Royal Match Summary

And right when this match started, all the competitors made a beeline for their respective rivals: Jazz Fenton and Sam Manson squared off against the Kanker Sisters, who would be the first two wrestlers eliminated, Peanuts mainstay Peppermint Patty fought Garfield's occasional love interest Arlene, the demonic-possessed Regan MacNeil tormented Carly Beth Caldwell into a corner, Eilonwy aimed for a friendly bout against Princess Jasmine, Rookie Revolution member Margaret attacked veteran Jean Grey, Disnevolution members Moana and Anna double-teamed the strong Leela, while the Miyazaki Maidens fended off strikes from The Elwood City Strikers, and Daisy had Jun Motomiya in a tie-up until Mimi made the save by knocking the Sarasaland Princess down with a Coconut Punch (Superman Punch) as soon as the bell rang! Meanwhile, Wendy Corduroy tried to make her way to Fujiko Mine to continue her pursuit for the LCW Women's Champion, who up to this point had been finding new ways to escape her through nefarious means on LCW's weekly show. That continued here as Fujiko immediately Irish whipped Motoko Kusanagi into her path before she got into a brawl with Momo Yaoyorozu, as Bellatrix LeStrange had Hannah Fairchild-Stein up high above her head in a Gorilla Press until Hannah. . .disappeared? Odd.

Nevertheless, Peppermint Patty disposed of Arlene after shotgun dropkicking her off the apron, followed by Margaret who was roundhouse kicked over the ropes by Turanga Leela. Then Leela was ambushed by Bellatrix LeStrange, while Moana and Anna had Jean Grey smothered in the corner until Anna was seemingly. . .dumped over the ropes by an invisible force . . . ? Which was soon revealed to be Hannah Fairchild-Stein, who made herself visible once more before dropping Anna with a neckbreaker onto the top rope, the impact causing her to fall to the ringside floor and therefore getting eliminated! Hannah spent too much time celebrating her elimination toward the crowd however, because Daisy threw The Ghost Next Door over the ropes for an elimination of her own! Other notable moments included Peppermint Patty coming to Wendy's aid so the unlikely duo could not only eliminate Motoko Kusanagi, but also eliminate the LCW Women's Champion Fujiko Mine! This was accomplished by Wendy locking Fujiko in a Scorpion Crosslock so Peppermint Patty could drive her onto the mat with a Baserunner Leg Drop off the top rope (in homage to some blockhead)! Wendy and Peppermint Patty shared a smile over how well they were working together as a team. . .only for Bellatrix LeStrange to throw Peppermint Patty over the ropes. . .

. . .

. . .AND RIGHT INTO HER MANAGER MARCIE, WHO CAUGHT PATTY BEFORE HER FEET COULD HIT THE FLOOR! As Marcie laid on the ringside floor in a daze, Patty drug herself toward the steel steps with her hands while using Marcie as a raft underneath her until she crawled onto the steps! Peppermint Patty then climbed up to the top rope and landed a Sly Drop (Superfly Splash) onto Moana while she was down only to finally get eliminated by Bellatrix LeStrange to boos from the crowd.

More competitors for the LCW Women's Championship would put on a good showing in addition to Wendy and Peppermint Patty, however, as "The Original Demon Child" Regan MacNeil would dominate the young guns in the match, eliminating Carly Beth Caldwell and even Sam Manson, who she eliminated by vomiting black mist into her face before throwing her out of the ring with Pazuzu's Wind (Deep Six), which drew ire from Sam's ally Jazz Fenton. After all the hubbub that surrounded her arrival to XCW in the weeks leading up to Equal Pain, The NCW Originator put on a solid showing herself by disposing of Regan herself by using her quick wits to duck underneath an incoming stream of Regan's vomit and evade her use of a crucifix as a weapon to send the demon girl flying backward with a snap dragon suplex before incapacitating her with Sister Knows Best (Cross Rhodes) for the go-ahead elimination! However, the NCW Originator's luck ran out when she had Moana dazed after a high knee strike. . .

. . .but all of a sudden FAYE VALENTINE slipped into the ring and drove Jazz down from behind with a Full Nelson Slam! The crowd ERUPTED with boos as the Bebop passenger mounted Jazz and repeatedly hammered away at her face with thunderous right hands, as they had no idea of why Faye would do such a thing. Nevertheless, Faye pulled Jazz up only to drop her with My Funny Valentine (Toni Storm's Storm Zero) before tossing her by the hair into Bellatrix LeStrange, who threw her out of the ring and over the ropes with a spinning sitout powerbomb for the easy elimination.

Meanwhile, "The Forgotten Princess" Eilonwy was fighting to the best of her ability for the sake of making sure fans and her sisters in the Disney princess pantheon would never forget her performance tonight by tying with the most eliminations in the match with four; the first one being Francine Frensky early on, followed by San midway through the match, and then the two-fer of Princess Daisy and Princess Jasmine, the latter of which bowed from the ringside floor toward Eilonwy as a sign of respect. But before the red-headed stepchild of Disney could take in the feeling of accomplishment that came with that, Moana flew toward her from out of nowhere and sent her flying out of the ring and eliminated from the match with The Sunset (The Eclipse) to boos from the crowd!

Another notable moment saw Jean Grey eliminating Jun Motomiya with a Killswitch on the apron in homage to her tag team partner Wasp, who had the biggest match of her comeback against Jun and Mimi's mutual friend Sora Takenouchi later in the night. As a result of that, Mimi made Jean Grey her primary target when she could throughout the chaos of the match, surprising her toward the end of the match where Jean had Mimi locked in for the X-Execution, but Mimi surprised the veteran with a haymaker before dropping her with an Atomic Drop, then the Flower Cannon (Book End) which gave The Crestbearer of Sincerity the go-ahead elimination!

The final four of the battle royal saw Turanga Leela, Mimi Tachikawa, Moana Waialiki, and Bellatrix LeStrange staring each other down from different corners of the ring. Moana and Bellatrix agreed to join forces and use their combined strength to first eliminate Mimi, who was dainty by comparison. But when she returned to the announcer's desk (where Shake was riffing on the match the whole time), The Crestbearer of Sincerity had nothing to be ashamed of in her first match in an XCW ring; coming away with three eliminations and one hell of an unforgettable moment in her career with the company.

Meanwhile, the remaining three-way saw Leela against Bellatrix and Moana, and the result was a stellar case of Big Meaty Women Slapping Meat; as the three powerhouses traded (and subsequently no-sold) their first few chops until Leela clocked Bellatrix in the face with a big boot, only for Moana to drop the Planet Express Captain with a Dragon Screw! Moana then pulled Leela up by the ponytail and threw her into a nearby corner, then smothered her with a series of shoulder thrusts that sent Leela reeling into a seated position in the corner. But as Moana charged toward Leela for a running knee to the face, Bellatrix intercepted her with a running shoulder block from out of nowhere! Bellatrix then locked Moana into the Killing Curse (Calf Crusher) for as long as she could until Leela blindsided her with a running back kick out of the corner! All three women were down in the center of the ring until Moana pulled herself up to her feet first thanks to the youth advantage. But after she pulled Leela up by her ponytail, her legs gave out from all the wear and tear Bellatrix had put on them earlier! From there, Bellatrix was able to sneak up from behind and lift her off her shoulders before driving her onto the mat with The Dark Arts Driver (Samoan Driver)! The impact caused Moana to fly upwards into the air and over the ropes for the elimination!

The waning moments of the match began with Leela taunting Bellatrix with a backflip, while Bellatrix gave her adversary an. . .eerily familiar cutthroat taunt. . .nevertheless, Leela charged toward Bellatrix with a series of kicks, but Bellatrix kept ducking under and swerving around them to weaken Leela with a variety of submission maneuvers. She eventually brought Leela down to one knee with a rear-naked chokehold, but the Planet Express Captain willed herself up to a vertical base, hitting Bellatrix in the face with haymaker after haymaker until she was able to break free and use her uncanny strength to hook her arms and legs around her body to drop her with the Special Delivery (Kris Statlander's Big Bang Theory)! From there, Leela Irish whipped Bellatrix over the ropes, but the Pure-Blood Witch landed on the apron feet-first while holding onto the top rope, her mouth wide with a sadistic smile. She knew this wasn't over despite the odds. . .until Leela charged toward Bellatrix and superkicked her in the face for the elimination which sealed the victory in the Master Shake Invitational Battle Royal to cheers from the fans!


After the match, the female referee raised Turanga Leela's arm in victory. . .

. . .at least, until MASTER SHAKE entered the ring with a microphone in hand and snapped at the referee, ordering her to leave the ring as the crowd booed the color commentator.

"Yeah yeah yeah, you can cut the professional CRAP. The match is over and it's got a winner!" Shake yelled. "And that winner is Galaxy's Sexiest Alien, LEELA! Congratulations! Now that you've proven yourself as the giant among urchins here. . .you're probably wondering what I have to reward you with. So just look at the Titantron and listen to my main men Ignignokt and Err tell you what you've WOOOOOON!" Shake exclaimed, gesturing toward the Titantron.

"Hello, Leela." announced Ignignokt from the Titantron in his trademark monotone delivery. "Congratulations on besting your feeble-minded sisters in the inaugural Master Shake Invitational Over The Top Rope Battle Royal."

"YOU DID IT, BITCH!" interrupted Err.

"And your prize includes a weekend-long stay. . .

. . .

. . .on the beautiful SOUTH JERSEY SHORE!"

"WOO! JERSEY! HOW DO YOU FUCKIN' LIKE THAT?" shouted Err.

"You son of a bitch. . ." Mimi said to herself while on commentary.

"You will stay in a luxurious room for rent at this state of the art Airbnb at 1171 Fairley Street just five minutes away from downtown," said Ignignokt, as the ugly, overcast images of the South Jersey shore transition to an exterior of the Aqua Teen House, complete with the words 'GET OUT' spray painted on the dilapidated house, and the Master Shake-sized front doorway, then a still image of Meatwad's room. Leela gazed up at the Titantron in insulted disbelief.

"The Airbnb is also well-equipped with the finest above-ground pool on the South Jersey Shore. . ." Ignignokt continued, as the video on the Titantron star wiped to an exterior shot of the above-ground pool that is definitely Master Shake's and doesn't belong to his neighbor Carl.

"After an opulent dip, you'll go with Master Shake to dine at the fanciest restaurant on the South Jersey Shore. . ." continued Ignignokt, as the image on the Titantron transitioned to video footage of—

. . .PANDA EXPRESS ON HISTORIC BLACK HORSE PIKE! Rated 1.3 stars out of 5 on Yelp, this dinner spot is sure to be a place where you and Master Shake make memories you two will never forget. But that is not all. . ."

"NOT. ALL. . ." emphasized Err, as the images on the Titantron transitioned to video footage inside a rancid strip club.

"Because once you two have finished eating, a taxi will take you to the renowned Scores Night Club on the South Jersey Shore Boardwalk! Who knows what kind of sparks, sleaze or articles of clothing will fly through the rooms of that bar and dance hall?"

"I have a pretty damn good guess, man!" Err interjected, before the images on the Titantron transitioned back to Meatwad's disgusting bedroom while Leela's eye glazed over in internal torture.

"This is humiliating. . ." cringed Mimi from the announcer's table, while Kudelia looked on from the timekeeper's booth in disgust.

"And who knows what you and Master Shake will be up to behind closed doors upon your return to the Airbnb at the end of the night? I don't, but I bet by the next morning, you won't either!"

The video package on the Titantron ended and the lights went up in the arena, revealing Leela with an EPIC facepalm in the center of the ring, and Master Shake appearing as happy as a clam.

"ALL RIGHT! How about that, Leela?" Shake exclaimed, to MASSIVE boos from the crowd. "You won a date night with ME! That's what you get for being the only true talent of XCW's crappy women's division!"

For emphasis, the sexist, vehemently awful color commentator then SLAPPED Leela's rear, to an IMMEDIATE look of disgust from the Planet Express Captain. And with that, not only did the boos get LOUDER, but also the fans had exploded into chants of, "YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK!"

"Yeah, Leela's got plenty of sucking to do once we get to my neck of the woods, because my straw hasn't seen action in MONTHS." Shake admitted, gripping Leela's hand. "Does she spit or swallow, though? I'll let you all know when I do, because we're going on this once in a lifetime romantic getaway vacation RIGHT. NOW! Come on, Leela! Let's get outta this dump and into mine—"

Shake tried to drag Leela out of the ring, but the Planet Express Captain didn't move a muscle, causing the color commentator to be pulled back toward his "date".

"Leela. . .we're GOING." demanded Shake, but all Leela did was stare Shake down with her one giant eye.

"Don't you know who I am?! I am the VOICE of this goddamn company! So take your prize and let's GO!" Shake yelled, but Leela STILL wouldn't budge!

Meanwhile, Shake was getting so annoyed with Leela. . .that he didn't notice that Mimi had stood up from the announcer's desk!

In fact. . .

. . .

. . .A LOT of the participants in the battle royal were making their way BACK toward the ring through the crowd. . .

. . .

. . .and even KUDELIA had left the timekeeper's booth to make her way toward the ring!

"LISTEN TO ME, YOU ONE-EYED BITCH!" Shake yelled, completely oblivious to what was transpiring around him. "YOU'RE DOING THIS BECAUSE I SAID SO!"

Leela looked out the right corner of her eye to see a line of female wrestlers surrounding the ring on the right side, then out the left corner of her eye to see another line of female wrestling talents outside the ring on the left!

"I'M DOING YOU A GODDAMN FAVOR!" screamed Shake, as he caught glimpses of all the female wrestlers surrounding the entire ring while the crowd had erupted into cheers of excitement!

"SO PUT OUT OR STOP POUTING, OTHERWISE I'm. . .gonna. . .uhhhhhhh. . ."

With a look of white hot fury on her face, Mimi Tachikawa slid into the ring, and was immediately followed by the other 26 competitors in the match and Kudelia, who surrounded Master Shake. The self-proclaimed "Voice of Truth" circled the ring, staring in fear at all the women he had been mean and horribly sexist toward ever since Equal Pain was first announced, while the fans had begun dual chanting, "YOU FUCKED UP!/WOMEN'S WRESTLING! YOU FUCKED UP!/WOMEN'S WRESTLING! YOU FUCKED UP!/WOMEN'S WRESTLING!"

The chants in the arena were deafening. . .and all the women in the ring stared daggers in anger and rage at Master Shake. . .

. . .

. . .UNTIL LEELA KNOCKED HIM DOWN TO UPROARIOUS CHEERS WITH A ROUNDHOUSE KICK! The ENTIRE XCW and LCW Women's locker rooms were stomping a furious mudhole into Master Shake's body until Leela pulled him up by the straw, shouting "WHO WANTS HIM?!" off-mic! EVERYONE in the ring raised their hands in response to that, so Leela made the decision to first toss him to Jazz Fenton. . .

. . .WHO DROPPED HIM WITH SISTER KNOWS BEST! The NCW Originator then pulled a now black-eyed Shake up and tossed him toward San. . .

. . .

. . .WHO DROVE HIM SKULL-FIRST INTO THE MAT WITH THE MONONOKE PILEDRIVER! But San pulled him BACK up. . .

. . .SO SHE AND NAUSICAA COULD DROP HIM WITH A DOUBLE PUMPHANDLE PILEDRIVER! The Miyazaki Maidens then whipped the most likely concussed commentator toward Moana and Anna of Disnevolution. . .

. . .SO THEY COULD CLOCK SHAKE WITH THE X-COMBO (Double Spinning Back Fist)! The new age Disney Princesses then pulled a broken Shake up and tossed him toward Motoko Kusanagi, who sent him FLYING upwards only to catch him and slam him with the EMP (Pop-Up Powerbomb)! The Major then threw Shake toward Princess Jasmine, who lifted him up for a suplex. . .only for Eilonwy to smack him in the back of the head with a superkick before dropping him down! Then the numerous women backed away to make plenty of room, as Shake laid broken, battered and beaten in the center of the ring. . .

. . .

. . .while his broadcast partner, Mimi Tachikawa stood right in his field of vision. The Crestbearer of Sincerity pulled him up just to take him back down with a Flower Cannon. . .

. . .

. . .then pulled his straw OUT OF THE TOP OF HIS BODY. . .

. . .

. . .TO STUFF IT DOWN HIS THROAT BEFORE LOCKING IN POISON IVY (Britt Baker's Lockjaw) FOR GOOD MEASURE!

All the women in the ring looked on as Shake tapped out, but neither Mimi nor her allies were having it. In fact, neither were the fans, as they had started chanting, "YOU DESERVE IT!" and clapping five times.

After a minute of this, Mimi FINALLY let go, allowing Kudelia to step toward Shake with a microphone in hand.

"Ladies and gentlemen, it's no secret that I'm a pacifist." Kudelia informed. "I have always aspired to be a symbol of hope for the people from my homeland on the planet Mars, and to everyone I've ever worked with. So violence is rarely ever the answer in my opinion."

Kudelia continued to speak, looking down at a groggy Master Shake, who was moaning in agonizing pain.

"That having been said. . .Master Shake, during my hiring process, I have heard you say the most foul, hateful, sexist and outright offensive comments about and to the faces of EVERY woman on the XCW roster. So in THIS case. . .what's happening to you has been unavoidable and a long time coming. . .so from where I stand. . .

. . .

. . .I'm MORE than willing to make an EXCEPTION."

And that's when Kudelia backed up against the ropes. . .

. . .

. . .AND NAILED SHAKE IN THE SIDE OF THE HEAD WITH A PUNT TO HIS TEMPLE!

"So for my FIRST official act as tonight's Master of Ceremonies. . .I command Master Shake to take the rest of the night off." Kudelia ordered, before saying something off-mic to the women before her, and a handful of them nodded in understanding. A handful of women left the ring and drug Shake's lifeless, bruised body under the bottom rope and up the ramp.

"And for my SECOND official act. . .allow me to introduce you all to Master Shake's replacement for the rest of the night!" Kudelia exclaimed. "She has been a constant presence in the fiction wrestling industry ever since it began decades ago, and her experience watching it will give all of you fans and the wrestlers alike something to learn in her own entertaining way. So without further ado, please join me in welcoming tonight's new color commentator! She is the crankiest of creatures in the world wide world. . .

. . .come on down, SLAPPY SQUIRREL!"

And with that, the audience and wrestlers in and around the arena exploded with cheers as "Glory Days" by Bruce Springsteen played, to Slappy Squirrel's arrival onto the stage. Her excitement to be in Xtreme Cartoon Wrestling lasted for. . .a grand total of five seconds, as the cheers from the crowd were so loud, they made her pick her ears.

"Go into wrestling commentary, they said," mumbled Slappy. "It'll be low-key and quiet, they said. . ."

She hobbled down the ramp with a curmudgeonly grimace mumbling something incoherently for the entire trek until she turned a corner around the ring and made her way toward the announcer's desk, where Mimi Tachikawa was waiting by her chair.

While the rest of the women were celebrating in the ring, Kudelia had a smile on her face as she patted Leela on the back. The Planet Express Captain turned toward her new superior, who said something indistinct off-mic. However, The Maiden of Revolution followed that up with an arm gesture that implied Leela to follow her, which she willingly did. Both Kudelia and Leela made their way to the backstage area, while Slappy reluctantly shook the hand of an exuberant Mimi, who was beaming with excitement even when the show transitioned to a commercial break.


As Equal Pain returned from break, Haruko Harahara was standing in the backstage area in between Yuna and Rikku with a microphone in hand.

"Well, we're not even three matches into XCW Equal Pain, and it's already been a wild night. That's gotta be saying a lot when it comes from someone who's made robots grow out of people's heads!" Haruko informed. "But that's beside the point. . .because up next is the first of two semifinal matches in our Women's Tag Team Championship Tournament. Yuna, Rikku, how do you feel about how the night is going so far, and what will winning this tournament and becoming XCW's first-ever Women's Tag Team Champions mean to you?"

"Well, Haruko. . .it was fun to see Dot Warner arrive, and Master Shake FINALLY get what he had been asking for." Rikku said. "But Yunie and I. . .we haven't been asking for much ourselves ever since we started wrestling for this company. We just wanted a fair shake.

For the longest time, that's all I craved: a regular opportunity to compete against the girls in this great division. It took a lot more patience than expected, but while I bided my time, I worked. I busted my ass in the gym, got myself into peak physical condition and motivated Yuna on her way back to XCW. We're better friends than ever, and we're in the best shape of our lives. . .and tonight, we'll make sure that Equal Pain is the best NIGHT of our lives!"

"My fair shake came in the form of a second chance. For my entire time here in XCW, I've faced ridicule for how many times I've tapped out in high pressure matches, to the point where it derailed my career. The only thing more humiliating than submitting to the moves I've submitted to. . .was getting demoted off the main roster after a submission loss. I had to fight, scratch and claw my way back onto it in Liberty City Wrestling for months, fighting the likes of Margaret, Casey Lynch and Jean Grey to reach the prime of my wrestling ability. Despite my past with one of those competitors, I couldn't be more thankful to them for getting me this far, but tonight is the night I finally evolve past them, prove myself as one of XCW's strongest female talents, and get the proverbial monkey off my back that's been hanging onto my mind since my first match for the Women's Championship at Doomsday. Together, we've made the world free of Sin in the past. . .and tonight at Equal Pain, all the fans will be free of doubt over who the top female tandem is in this business, while Rikku and I will be free of all doubt in our minds of how much stronger we are. . .TOGETHER!"

Yuna and Rikku nodded confidently into the camera before the show transitioned back to the arena, where Hello Nurse stood in the center of the ring with a microphone in hand.


"The following contest is a Women's Tag Team Championship Semifinal match scheduled for one fall!"

"Living Dead Girl" by Rob Zombie played as Alexander De Large stepped onto the stage with Shenhua and Sawyer The Cleaner at his sides. As the lights turned dark purple, Sawyer glared at the fans with a dark look and creepy smile, while Shenhua placed a hand on her hip and leaned forward, looking tauntingly at the ring and crowd.

"Introducing first. . .being accompanied to the ring by Alexander De Large. . .from Roanapur, Thailand. . .the team of SHENHUA. . .and "The Cleaner". . .FREDERICAAAAAAAAAA SAAAAAAAAAWYEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRR!"

Alexander led Shenhua and Sawyer down the ramp, with Sawyer stepping in a slow deliberate manner before walking up the steps and entering the ring, while Shenhua got onto the ring apron, and gave a mocking glance to the crowd before leaping over the ropes and into the ring.

"Well, Slappy, allow me to officially welcome you to our broadcast team!" Mimi announced, now back at the announcer's desk. "And the first match you'll ever call in this industry is sure to be a doozy, especially because it's got these two hitwomen in it! Separated, Shenhua and Sawyer The Cleaner are already dangerous competitors, but united they're a devastating tag team. Under the tutelage of their equally psychotic manager Alexander DeLarge, they crushed Goosebumps United in the quarterfinals, and look to do the same to Yuna and Rikku on this historic night!"

Alexander pointed at his clients, nodding along to their entrance music while Shenhua stood in the middle of the ring, hand on her hip as she waited with a dangerous glint in her eye, and Sawyer sat on a top turnbuckle to look out at the crowd with the same creepy smile.

"I'd say it feels good to be here but man, is it loud and my dang back is killing me from walking down the ramp! I'm glad I stuck to schmoozing backstage, heh." Slappy admitted. "But the only thing that'll hurt more than my back after this match is what Yuna and Rikku are gonna be feeling no matter if they get past this team or not! Shenhua's been on a tear with and without her Cleaner friend, but Sawyer gives me the creeps just when she uses her voice box to talk because she's an anti-drug testimonial in living color. Don't smoke, kids!"

"Real Emotion" by Koda Kumi played as Yuna strutted onto the ramp to cheers from the crowd while Rikku skipped onto the entranceway and flashed a pose for the audience.

"And their opponents. . .the team of Yuna and Rikku. . .THE SPHERE HUNTEEEEEEERS!"

"I . . . don't think you wanna know what really happened to Sawyer's voice, Slappy. . .but nevertheless, you don't have to tell Yuna or Rikku twice, because they've been model citizens of our roster ever since this company began! And tonight is the biggest, most important night of their wrestling lives, especially that of the Cosmos Summoner, Yuna. Because she has fought for the XCW Women's Championship three times in the past nine months, and coming out of all of them in a submission loss. If history repeats itself yet again tonight, Yuna will have to take a long look at herself in the mirror and figure out if she really belongs in this industry," Mimi informed, as Yuna entered the ring above the second rope and stepped on a top rope in a corner, waving toward the fans while Rikku posed on the opposite turnbuckle, pointing toward the fans and smiling at them with excitement.

"Nah, as much as I like hers and Rikku's enthusiasm, they're looking up at their challengers right now." Slappy decared. "Unless they somehow have a spell to call that can give 'em 24-inch pythons in the next five minutes, their speed and showmanship is no match for Shenhua's powerful strikes and Sawyer's strength. The Sphere Hunters are gonna have to hunt for a creative way to chop these monsters down like trees in order to win this match and make it to the finals of this tournament. Plus I know for a fact Alexander DeLarge fuels them with the Moloko Plus he and his droogs love so much; he told me personally when we met at the wrap party for Space Jam: A New Legacy. I even sampled a glass of it there; it tastes good but you can't have two of those back to back. To quote my nephew, SPEW!"

The bell rang and the match began with Rikku standing toe-to-toe with Sawyer. . .who IMMEDIATELY clocked her in the chin with an uppercut! The Al Bhed Guardian reeled against the ropes from the impact only for The Cleaner to choke toss her across the ring on the bounceback!

Women's Tag Team Championship Semi-Final: Yuna and Rikku vs. Shenhua and Sawyer The Cleaner Match Summary

As Slappy predicted, The Sphere Hunters faced an uphill battle early on in this matchup that pitted speed against power, and Shenhua and Sawyer The Cleaner gained the upper hand early with the latter skillset, first by isolating either Yuna or Rikku (depending on who was legal) away from her tag team partner and then double-teaming her with devastating offensive maneuvers in an effort to take advantage of Yuna's weakness: her stamina. An example of this came early on after Rikku was able to tag in Yuna, only for both Shenhua and Sawyer to take her down with a double elbow smash, then toss her into the corner with a series of mudhole stomps! Then Sawyer would focus on Yuna's torso with more stomps and devastating power moves, from Gorilla Press drops to various suplexes, and even a spinout powerbomb, The Cosmos Summoner would extend her arm for a tag in desperation but to no avail, as Sawyer's strength would prevail, particularly when she gripped Yuna's hair from behind and smashed her against her knee with a backbreaker before tagging in Shenhua, who would add more insult to injury with puroresu strikes and submission maneuvers. But despite all the pain she felt, conveyed by the torment in her face and tears in her eyes, The Cosmos Summoner never quit, fighting her way toward the ropes in every submission, such as when The Taiwanese Assassin had her locked in a Fujiwara Armbar, only for Yuna to drape her arm over the bottom rope for the rope break after a failed rollup attempt. Shenhua got in the face of the referee after this particular spot when she refused to let go of the hold until the count of four, which gave Rikku the opening to slug her in the side of the head, and Yuna the freedom to roll her up in a victory roll for a two count, only to follow that up with a double stomp! From there, The Cosmos Summoner would slowly but surely fight her way back into the match with her own slew of kicks and knee strikes before dropping her with a Northern Lights suplex pin attempt which earned a two count! After the hot tag, the end of the match saw Rikku go for the legs of Sawyer with chop blocks and running strikes, only for Sawyer to overwhelm her with raw power, particularly when Rikku went for a Shining Wizard just for The Cleaner to drop her with The Cleaner Upper (Running Swinging Reverse STO) for a count of 2.75 which Yuna broke up! When Sawyer tried running after Yuna, only for Rikku to drop her from behind with a backstabber for a 2.75 count of her own, from which Sawyer powered out! Then Sawyer pulled Rikku back to her corner and tagged in Shenhua, who held onto Rikku's hand as she slowly walked along the top rope a la The Undertaker's Old School. . .but then Rikku leapt onto the top rope herself and ran toward Shenhua to send herself falling to the canvas after a shotgun dropkick! With the fans chanting, "HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!" from the bump, Rikku crawled on top of Shenhua for the cover, only for Sawyer to stomp on Rikku's lower back at 2.99! With the fans fully behind The Sphere Hunters, Shenhua pulled The Al Bhed Guardian up and slapped her in the face and chest with a series of brutal open palmed strikes that turned her skin purple from the impact! Shenhua then ran against the ropes behind her and leapt up for a Gamengiri, only for Rikku to counter it and send Shenhua face-first into the corner with a Flapjack before tagging in Yuna! Then Rikku held up the still sore and tired Cosmos Summoner, who went for a jumping Tornado DDT, only for Shenhua to catch her and drop her with a pumphandle piledriver. . .

. . .FROM WHICH YUNA KICKED OUT AT 2.99! The Taiwanese Assassin stared daggers at Yuna in angered astonishment while the crowd went WILD! The Cosmos Summoner meanwhile slowly but surely staggered up to her feet in a daze, matching Shenhua's brutal slaps with swift kicks and jabs. After seemingly dazing her with a Gamengiri, Shenhua went for The Taiwanese Assassination (Eat Defeet). . .

. . .

. . .ONLY FOR YUNA TO COUNTER IT AND ROLL SHENHUA UP! As the referee made the count, Sawyer The Cleaner entered the ring to make the save. . .

. . .

. . .BUT RIKKU STOPPED HER WITH A ROCKET LAUNCHER OFF THE TOP ROPE, ALLOWING THE REFEREE TO FINISH THE THREE COUNT! THE SPHERE HUNTERS EARN THE SURPRISE VICTORY AND GO TO THE FINALS TO CHEERS OF DELIGHT FROM THE CROWD! After the match, however, it was another story. . .

The referee held up Yuna and Rikku's arms in victory UNTIL SHENHUA AND SAWYER BLINDSIDED THEM FROM BEHIND!

"OH COME ON!" Mimi squealed. "IS THAT REALLY NECESSARY?!"

"Hey, if all the effort in my work went to waste in a second, I'd be mad, too. Think about how Leslie Grace felt when Zsa Zsa canned Batgirl."

As the crowd EXPLODED with boos, Sawyer picked Rikku up. . .

. . .

. . .ONLY TO DROP HER BACK DOWN WITH THE CHAINSAW DANCE (Lifting Rolling Cutter)! But that wasn't enough for The Taiwanese Assassin, who yelled something in Japanese toward The Cleaner, who nodded in understanding before pulling Yuna up by the hair. . .

. . .

. . .THEN SETTING HER UP FOR A TOMBSTONE PILEDRIVER. . .

. . .

. . .AND DROPPED YUNA ON HER HEAD WITH IT AFTER SHENHUA KICKED HER IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD!

"OOOOOOOOOH that just makes me FURIOUS!" Mimi exclaimed. "Yuna and Rikku won the match suddenly, but fair and square all the same! Shenhua and Sawyer The Cleaner have no right to act like the worst losers I've ever seen! Now what kind of condition will The Sphere Hunters be in for the Women's Tag Team Tournament final?"

Shenhua and Sawyer The Cleaner nodded in satisfaction over their destruction of Yuna and Rikku, before making a Japanese hand gesture toward the crowd, who VIOLENTLY booed at them in return as they left the ring to meet Alex by the foot of the ramp, leaving the referee to check on the Sphere Hunters, who lay dazed in the center of the ring.

"When you mess with the bull Mimi, ya get the horns if ya like it or not." Slappy declared. "I told ya they weren't gonna be easy to beat, and because o'that, they weren't gonna take GETTING beat easy, either! Shenhua and Sawyer are more pissed off than Cosmo Kramer in a comedy club, and whoever is next to rub these two assassins the wrong way better watch out. I do hope Yuna and Rikku are okay, but whoever wins our next contest may have a cakewalk on their hands in the tournament final."

Rikku and Yuna slowly but surely rose to a seated position in a pained daze until the show transitioned to the backstage area, where Haruko Haruhara stood between Mary Jane Watson and Felicia Hardy with a microphone in hand.


"Mary Jane, Felicia, what were your thoughts on what transpired during and after the semifinal match, and what will advancing to the Women's Tag Team Tournament final mean for you?"

"First off, Shenhua, Sawyer, I'd thank you for the assist. . .if we NEEDED it. For our entire careers, we've prided ourselves in putting on amazing matches against formidable opponents at the top of their game. Giving us a handicap is more than just an insult to them, it's an insult to US, and our talent. We WON'T forget this, because we like to PROVE our greatness on our own merits. That's just the kind of bitches we are." Mary Jane said with a smirk, before continuing.

"But don't think just because our path toward history is easier now, that we'll be complacent going into our semifinal match. No matter who represents them in a given tag team match, Disnevolution is a formidable foe. They may be princesses, but they have the drive to compete and win by any means necessary, and with their place in the record books as this company's first-ever Women's Tag Team Champions at stake, we're not taking them lightly!"

"Exactly, MJ." Felicia agreed. "Anna may not have the confidence to back up her talents but she's got the agility to do something death-defying in every bout. Moana has the strength of her entire tribe within one fingertip, Rapunzel is unpredictable and Merida is the total package - she has everything a woman needs to succeed in this industry. But what they've NEVER done. . .is face a team like MJ and I. We're faster than them, we're more athletic than them, and we've seen more of the world than them as members of the Bullet Club. And defeating Disnevolution on this night to advance to face Yuna and Rikku later tonight means we're more than just one step closer to honor. . .it means we're closer to making all the major fiction wrestling federations BELIEVE in the BULLET CLUB whether the fans like us or not. Because we're more than just a faction that makes a bunch of T-shirts. We've won enough championships around the world to place us as the most ELITE female duo this business has ever seen on every level. And Disnevolution is next to understand. . ."

Mary Jane stepped in front of Haruko, looking into the camera and holding up her microphone.

". . .that everything we do. . .is just. . ."

Felicia stepped in front of Haruko on her side to look into the camera next to MJ.

". . .TOO. . ."

The two Bullet Club members looked into the camera to say the final word in unison:

". . .SWEET."

Mary Jane Watson and Felicia Hardy butted their Too Sweet hand gestures against each other before the show transitioned to a commercial break.


As Equal Pain returned from break, Nazz was stepping out of the bathroom into her dressing room wearing D-Ed merchandise to toss her toiletry bag into a duffel bag, at least until she hears a knock on her open door.

"Got a second, Nazzy Nazz?" asked a voice off-screen. Nazz turned in its direction. . .

. . .

. . .to see CASEY LYNCH standing in her doorway. The Assistant With Assets gandered back down at her luggage and zipped it up.

"What do you want?" Nazz wondered, not giving her eye contact. Casey took a step into the dressing room with guilt on her face.

"Listen, I. . .I just want to say I'm sorry for what happened to you earlier this month," apologized Casey. "I was as disgusted with what Tommy did to you and your friends as you were, and I wish I would have done something to stop him. . ."

"Then why didn't you?" Nazz wondered, turning around to stare daggers into Casey's eyes. "HMMM? Did you feel so sorry for yourself over losing to Sora again that you didn't even bother to show up to Massacre that night?"

"I. . .I. . ." Casey stammered.

"Or do you still have feelings for Tommy you can't shake away?" asked Nazz, to an astonished look of fury on Casey's face.

"He DOESN'T. Define me." gritted the Goddess of Rock.

"No? Then what happens tonight DOES." Nazz declared, standing up and slinging her duffel bag over her back. "You've been two-faced ever since you arrived in this company, Casey. You're an infamous hero outside these walls, and we're grateful for that, but when it comes to the squared circle, you're a tool to EVERYONE. And I'm sick of it. So if fighting Bloody Mary later is your solo attempt at being a hero, you have to do more than apologize to me, or beat her in that ring. You have to go out there and show me one thing: the REAL Casey Lynch, whoever she is. And if you don't like that, I have two words for ya: STEP. BACK."

Nazz strode out of her dressing room, bumping into Casey along the way for emphasis. The Goddess of Rock was left with her mouth agape, and deep in thought until the show transitioned back to the arena, where Hello Nurse stood in the center of the ring with a microphone in hand.


"The following contest is a Women's Tag Team Championship Semifinal match scheduled for one fall!"

BULLET CLUB.

F-F-F-F-FOR. LIFE.

"Shot 'Em" by [Q]BRICK played, and Mary Jane Watson and Felicia Hardy stepped onto the stage wearing hooded vests, with Felicia raising a fist above her head and flashing a confident smile, while Mary Jane looked down the ramp at the ring with a focused expression underneath sunglasses and a Bullet Club branded do-rag around her mouth.

"Introducing first. . .representing BULLET CLUB. . .from New York City, New York. . .the team of FELICIA HARDY. . .AND MARY JAAAAAAAAANE WATSOOOOOOOOOON!"

Felicia and Mary Jane made their way down the ramp, during which, Mary Jane whipped off her sunglasses to scan the fans with her own blue eyes. As Felicia continued hyping her team up, she and Mary Jane reached the foot of the ramp, upon which, Felicia stepped up the steel steps and posed on a turnbuckle, while Mary Jane removed the hood from her head and leaned forward, flipping her long, red hair over her head and onto her back.

"And now our final semifinal match in our Women's Tag Team Championship Tournament sees the female contingent of the Bullet Club on the biggest stage of their careers!" Mimi informed. "For the majority of their careers, Mary Jane Watson and Felicia Hardy have traveled to and from every country in the fiction wrestling world's independent scene, winning championships and putting on five star classics everywhere they go! Will this upcoming match be one of them?"

Mary Jane winked at the fans and mouthed the 'Everything we do is just too sweet!' part of her theme music as she rolled into the ring and posing on a turnbuckle herself. Soon after, she met Felicia in the center of the ring so the two friends could give each other a 'Too Sweet' hand gesture to themselves.

"Y'know, I've been following the news about these girls for a few years now, and I don't get the buzz." Slappy admitted. "All their matches are the same, they overdramatize a lot of their spots, and their egos are big enough to make Kanye West blush! If this contest doesn't see them do a bunch of 450 flippy-do rigamarole, I'll be pleasantly surprised. My nephew would love to see them win, though. He owns a lot of their t-shirts."

After the Bullet Club's entrance music faded out, a Disney-themed 'Disnevolution' logo appeared on the titantron. From there, 'Sickness and Sorrow' by The Champagne Charade played, prompting Snow White to step onto the stage with Merida and Rapunzel flanking a side of her. Merida looked down the ramp at the ring with a focused, stern expression while Rapunzel tossed her ankle-length braided hair behind her back to shout at the crowd and raise her arms high above her head in confidence, while Snow White splayed her arms at her sides to show off her clients to boos from the crowd.

"And their opponents. . .being accompanied to the ring by Snow White. . .the team of Merida. . .and Rapunzel. . .DISNEVOLUUUUUTIOOOOOOOOON!"

"In fact, these two teams crossed paths over a month ago during our first Women's Tag Team Showcase match," Mimi reminded. "Merida and Rapunzel had reached a standoff against Wasp and Jean Grey in their debut match as members of the XCW roster, when all of a sudden, Mary Jane Watson and Felicia Hardy interfered as a way of telling both The Women of Marvel and Disnevolution that they had arrived in the major leagues of fiction wrestling! It's clear from the looks on the faces of Merida, Rapunzel and their manager Snow White that they haven't forgotten about that night, and they're aiming to gain some long-awaited retribution in addition to their place in our Women's Tag Tournament Final!"

Snow White led Merida and Rapunzel down the ramp and the two women slid into the ring, where Rapunzel stood on a turnbuckle punching her chest in confidence while yelling at the crowd, as Merida stood on the bottom rope in the center of the ring and raised a hand sign.

"Ah Disnevolution ain't that petty; they just don't like the concept of threatening competition." Slappy informed. "Why else do ya think ol' Bobby bought 20th Century Fox? I'd like to see how these girls translated his and Walt's ruthlessness in the ring, because Merida and Rapunzel have a mean streak a mile wide and a penchant for showmanship that makes them the clear favorite in this match! Plus Snow White herself is unpredictable: I was talking to her once after an NWA show when she wrestled for 'em and I swear she tried to poison the champ at the time with a rotten apple! Eat your heart out, Fabulous Moolah!"

The bell rang and the match began with Rapunzel squaring off against Mary Jane. The two paced around the ring in a circle until they met in a tie-up.

Women's Tag Team Championship Semi-Final: The Bullet Club vs. Disnevolution Match Summary

The match did indeed begin with some technical mat wrestling, however, Mary Jane was quick to speed up the pace of the match after the first few near-falls when Rapunzel tried to wrench on Mary Jane's arm only for MJ to counter it into an Irish whip of her own and send Rapunzel flying upside-down into a corner with a monkey flip. Then MJ kipped up and nailed Rapunzel with a running knee strike and got a two-count, in part thanks to Merida breaking up the pin attempt. But with MJ's guard down thanks to the distraction, Rapunzel was able to gain the upper hand by hindering Mary Jane's aerial ability and speed through attacks targeted at her legs; one such example coming with repeated knee smashes onto the apron and another one seeing Rapunzel smash MJ's ankles against the ring post!

Rapunzel would soon after that tag in Merida, who continued Disnevolution's offensive onslaught by stomping on MJ's feet and legs, and even wrench on them with various submission maneuvers like a Boston Crab and an Ankle Lock. However, it was during the latter hold that MJ was able to gain some footing and dive toward Felicia for the successful tag in, but Merida's ring awareness cued her to catch Felicia with an inverted atomic drop, then sweep her legs out from under her with a chop block! From there, Merida continued targeting Felicia's legs as she did with MJ: doing so by locking her in a Figure Four Leg Lock around the ring post! After tagging in Rapunzel, the two Princesses Irish whipped Felicia against the ropes, and Merida got down on all fours so Rapunzel could send Felicia onto the apron with a shotgun dropkick off Merida's back! But the match took a turn when Rapunzel went for a diving double foot stomp off the top rope only for Felicia to roll onto the ringside floor, causing Rapunzel to land HARD on the apron before crumbling to the floor! She cried in agonizing pain while Mary Jane mocked her from her corner, to much chagrin from Merida. While Felicia and Rapunzel brawled on the floor upon regaining their bearings, Merida charged toward Mary Jane, who slugged her with a punch right between the eyes before flipping over all three ropes and initiating a brawl between the redheads in the ring! Unbeknownst to both teams, "The Forgotten Princess" Eilonwy had skipped down the ramp and set up a chair at the foot of the ramp to watch her Disney sisters with genuine interest.

A few moments later, Rapunzel and Felicia's brawl moved them on the side of the ring facing the ramp, while Mary Jane's fistfight with Merida escalated into grappling moves. After MJ dropped Merida with a sitout facebuster, The DunBroch Princess rolled out of the ring to not only regain her bearings, but also to join Rapunzel in assaulting Felicia Hardy on the outside floor. . .at least until MARY JANE MADE THE SAVE WITH A SUICIDE DIVE ONTO BOTH OF THEM! All four women were down at Eilonwy's feet until Mary Jane kipped up and shouted something at the crowd to cheers, playfully kicking Eilonwy's seat down for comedic effect, in a showcase of ego. Mary Jane then helped Felicia to her feet and back into the ring, while Rapunzel and Merida chased the two back to the squared circle, not even acknowledging Eilonwy, who had pulled herself back up in the chair with a look of disgust right at MJ. Back in the ring, the match had morphed into a full on technical affair, with Felicia wearing down Rapunzel with furious chops before lifting her up for a rolling fireman's carry drop, but Rapunzel slipped out of it for a sleeper hold, only for Felicia to counter out of it and take her down with a snapmare neckbreaker for a two count, which Merida broke up. Felicia sat up and knocked Merida off the apron with a superkick for her trouble, only for Rapunzel to lock her in the center of the ring with a braid-aided sleeper hold! Felicia gasped for breath while the referee began the four count. . .

. . .

. . .UNTIL SNOW WHITE LEAPT ONTO THE APRON AND DISTRACTED HIM! The two argued while Rapunzel continued to choke Felicia out with her impenetrable, iconic hair until Mary Jane nailed Rapunzel in the back of the head with a superkick! Snow White backed off the apron and strode up the ramp in a huff when the referee ejected her from ringside, after which she saw Rapunzel and Felicia on opposite sides of the ring trying to pull themselves up. After trading blows in the center of the ring, the two exhausted blondes reeled against the ropes with each punch until Felicia caught Rapunzel and dropped her with two rolling Northern Lights suplexes, ending in a pin attempt that only got a two count!

After a hot tag, however, the two redheads of both teams squared off in the semifinal match's waning moments, as Mary Jane and Merida picked up where they left off earlier in the match when they weren't the legal women! They traded their most devastating moves, from the Bullet Club's trademark Superkick and MJ powerbombing The DunBroch Princess onto Felicia's knees to Merida's brutal DunBroch Goodbye (Cradle DDT) and The Thrill of Nature (King Cuerno's Thrill of the Kill). However, that particular move only got a count of 2.99, to the chagrin of Rapunzel, who knocked the referee out from behind with her signature frying pan in retaliation! Merida ordered Rapunzel into the ring, and the two Disney Princesses stalked a dizzy Mary Jane with their fists reared back for The X-Combo. . .

. . .

. . .UNAWARE THAT EILONWY WAS ON THE TOP ROPE OUTSIDE THEIR FIELD OF VISION! The Forgotten Princess then leapt off the top turnbuckle for a split-legged dropkick onto Mary Jane. . .

. . .

. . .BUT MJ DUCKED OUT OF THE WAY, CAUSING EILONWY TO ACCIDENTALLY KNOCK DOWN MERIDA AND RAPUNZEL! The Forgotten Princess stood up, eyes wide and mouth covered in shock over her mistake, but in the moment she couldn't ruminate on it for too long because she had to dash out of the ring before Mary Jane and Felicia could touch her. With Eilonwy running through the crowd in shame and fear, and the referee slowly but surely regaining consciousness, Mary Jane lifted Merida up while Felicia climbed up to a top rope to successfully land the Ellis Driver for the victory!

After the match. . .

"The winners of this match. . .THEEEEEEEEE BULLEEEEEEEEEET CLUUUUUUUUUUUB!"

The referee raised Mary Jane and Felicia's arms in victory while Merida and Rapunzel looked on from the ringside floor, clenching their heads in pain.

"This sold out crowd can't believe what they just witnessed, Slappy, and I can't either!" Mimi said. "Disnevolution was about to tarnish the excellent wrestling pitting pure wrestling athleticism against brute strength and stardom by resorting to nefarious means to win the match, but in an attempt to assist Merida and Rapunzel while the referee was down, "The Forgotten Princess" Eilonwy inadvertently hit her Disney sisters! That gave the Bullet Club the opening they needed to get the win, and advance to our co-main event! With that, the tournament finals are set: we'll see The XCW Original Sphere Hunters against the Indie Darling Bullet Club fight for a permanent place in history as the first-ever Xtreme Cartoon Wrestling Women's Tag Team Champions!"

Mary Jane and Felicia posed on opposite corners while an angry Merida said something off-mic to Rapunzel, as Snow White, Anna and Moana came down the ramp to console her fellow Disney princesses.

"Well, that's TWO matches that have ended from outta nowhere; first Yuna and Rikku got lucky on a rollup, now MJ and Felicia won thanks to some overzealous girl in tatters who wants to join their tea party," Slappy dismissed. "You might as well give the winner of the tourney something else: the XCW Lucky Luck Women's Tag titles. Both those teams are banged up, too; it's VERY possible we might see someone literally break a leg tonight. And from the looks on the faces of Disnevolution, that someone is gonna be Eilonwy."

Mary Jane and Felicia then left the ring to shake hands with fans while Merida and Rapunzel looked on in fury.

"Who will make history in our tournament final: The Bullet Club, Mary Jane Watson and Felicia Hardy, or The Sphere Hunters, Yuna and Rikku?" Mimi wondered, while Mary Jane Watson and Felicia Hardy continued to celebrate with the fans until the show transitioned to the backstage area, where Tai Kamiya stood next to Haruko Haruhara who had a microphone in hand.


"Tai Kamiya, we are halfway through Equal Pain and your wife, 'The Ace of Women's Wrestling' and 'The Crestbearer of Love' Sora Takenouchi defends her XCW Women's Championship against "The Original Avenger" Wasp in our co-main event tonight." Haruko informed. "How does it feel to be here tonight to see a match billed as First Time Ever, and also to have the night off?"

"It feels wonderful to be here to witness history." Tai said, with his trademark lopsided grin. "All the women in all the divisions of our growing company are coming together to elevate each other, give each other solidarity, crown the first-ever Women's Tag Team Champions, and make dream matches the likes of which we've never seen. Sora versus Wasp is a case of the latter, and as someone who saw The Original Avenger get hurt with his own eyes in the 90s, it's remarkable to see this match happen tonight, let alone ever. Both Wasp and Sora have worked so hard to get to this point in their careers and lives. . .and all I know is I'm happy to have the night off to see it with everyone on the roster, because it'll be a classic."

"Who do you pick to win?" Haruko asked, to a chuckle from Tai.

"Wow, you're asking all the tough questions tonight! What happened to Mimi–" Tai wondered, until he suddenly felt a hand touch his shoulder from behind.

"Hey, a-Tai! Can I a-borrow you for a quick a-second?" Luigi wondered, as The Crestbearer of Courage turned around to face The Other Mario Brother.

"Uhhhhh. . .hey, Luigi. What's up?" pondered Tai.

"Well, it's a-just that last a-Monday, you said you were on a mission to discover the identity of the anonymous a-chairman." Luigi reminded. "But I need to let a-you know there's another a-mystery for you to solve!"

"Oooookaaaaaay, and what might that be?" Tai asked, raising an eyebrow in curiosity.

"Follow me," Luigi answered, motioning for Tai to trail him, which he willingly did down the hallway before them.

"So what's this all about, Luigi?" Tai asked, after a few seconds of silent walking.

"Well a-Tai, I've a-been observing Mario and Sponge-a-bob's friendship ever since I came back to the company, and I've become a-convinced that that a-sponge is up to something a-shady. My brother's reputation and mine are a-being bled like a stuffed pig, Tai, and I have the paper trail to prove it. So please, it's a-right here!"

Luigi opened the door to his dressing room, and said, "Take a look at this!". . .

. . .

. . .to reveal a wall decorated with a bulletin board covered in HUNDREDS of pushpins connected by colored tape, various newspaper articles and scrawled, unintelligible handwriting. Tai looked on with his mouth open agape and his eyes wide as saucers.

"Jesus CHRIST, Luigi–" was all he could say before Luigi interrupted him.

"That right there is our fan a-mail." Luigi snapped. "Now let's talk about fan mail. Can we talk about FAN MAIL please, Tai? I've been DYING to talk about FAN MAIL with ANYBODY all day, OKAY? Sponge-a-bob Squarepants, this name keeps comin' up over and over and over again in ALL of these a-letters to MARIO. Every day Sponge-a-bob's name is being read back to me. Sponge-a-bob Squarepants, SPONGE-A-BOB SQUAREPANTS, I look in the mail, THIS WHOLE BOX IS ABOUT A-SPONGE-A-BOB!"

Luigi picks up a cardboard box overflowing with unopened mail and slams it down to the desk it's on for dramatic effect.

"So I say to myself, I gotta meet this guy! I gotta RETURN to Mario's a-locker room, I gotta MEET a-his new friend and SHAKE THIS A-GUY'S A-FREAKIN' HANDS! Otherwise I'm a-gonna go stir crazy! I gotta request for a discharge from a-the hospital and get it approved. So I finally go up to Mario's dressing a-room and what do I find out, Tai, WHAT DO I FIND OUT? . . . Mario and Spongebob have hung a-me out to DRY. The two think I don't a-exist, OKAY? So I decided, ohh crap, a-buddy, I gotta dig a little deeper! There's no room-a for me ON THE KART, you gotta be kidding me, I could have a-CALLED AN UBER FOR ALL OF US TO THE CLUB OR WHEREVER! All right, so I start marching my way down to Judge a-Dredd in HR and I knock on his door. . ."

Luigi repeatedly and loudly knocked on the wall behind him, while Tai's eyes had glazed over.

". . .and I say, "DREEEEEEDD! DREEEEEEEDD! I GOTTA TALK TO YOU ABOUT SPONGEBOB AND-A MY BROTHER!" And when I open the door, what do I find? There's not a single goddamn a-desk in that office. There IS. NO. JUDGE A-DREDD IN HR! Tai. . .half the employees in this building have been made up. This office is a gosh darn a-GHOST TOWN! And it's a-only a matter of time before they sneak up on us so TURN AROUND BEFORE THEY DO!"

Tai pinched the bridge of his nose, eyes closed in thought until he finally looked right at The Other Mario Brother.

"Okay Luigi, I'm gonna have to stop you right there." Tai said. "Not only does Judge Dredd exist, but your friendship problems with your brother are NOT his jurisdiction, okay? He's a consultant for Space Ghost, not a therapist, which you DESPERATELY need right now, or else you're gonna lose your job."

"Well, calm down because here's one thing that's NOT gonna happen: I'm NOT gonna get fired. I'm a MARIO BROTHER." Luigi insisted.

"With delusions of grandeur . . . and straight-up DELUSIONS." Tai added. "Where's Daisy? I think she needs to be consoled right about now. Did you miss the Battle Royal, too?"

"No, she's fine, she's a-right here." Luigi said, pointing to "Daisy" next to him.

"Luigi, there's NO ONE THERE!" Tai insisted, motioning to the empty space next to Luigi.

"You don't see–" Luigi turned to face "Daisy", and immediately flinched upon seeing no one there. "Oh, wow. . .huh. Look at that. . ."

The Other Mario Brother stared at that spot like a deer in headlights as Tai looked on at him with disbelief.

". . .you've lost your MIND!" Tai declared, "You've lost your FREAKIN' MIND! I'll tell you what I'll do - I'll get you a THERAPIST, that's what I'll do. Until then, go find your wife or go TOUCH GRASS."

Tai stormed out of the office, leaving Luigi alone.

"Mamma mia . . . " Luigi exclaimed before looking to his right, " . . . wanna play some Smash, Toad?"

Luigi continued to speak to no one in particular at that spot until the show transitioned to a commercial break.


Alright, there's part one! I hope it was worth the wait. As always, let me know what you think of my booking, and if my storylines and characters are inconsistent anywhere. I'm thankful to all of you for sticking by me and being patient through my absence. It really means a lot, especially when I get a review or feedback in general! Life has needed me between my full-time editing job, my side hustles as a film critic and festival supervisor, and just last month, a microshort film I wrote and directed won an award at a film festival! Everything's coming up for me in real life right now, and I thank all of you readers and friends for supporting me, bearing with my absences and just being along for the ride. :) Part two of Equal Pain will come in due time, but until then, please READ, REACT AND REEEEEEEEEEVIEEEEEEEEEW!