Author's note: This kind of thing is so far outside my wheelhouse, I can't even see the radio antenna from here. But during a recent bout of post-traumatic stress I tumbled down a deep Asuka/Rei WAFF hole. In particular the stories by Xairathan, which absolutely tore my heart out. It's hard to explain (and probably harder to understand) but this is something I had to get out of my system.

Stricken

by Jungian Excuse

- One -

Engrossed as he was in talking and laughing with his friends on the sidewalk outside the school gates, Toji Suzahara paid little attention as Asuka Soryu stalked sullenly past the happily chattering group, eyes downcast as usual. His eye was caught by the shock of orange hair and followed it instinctively as the girl made her way up the footpath, but it wasn't until the conversation had dried up and his friends drifted away one-by-one that his brain registered the brief flash of white that apparently he alone had noticed; something had fallen from Asuka's backpack as she'd rounded the corner.

He waited until he was sure the coast was clear before wandering over to where Asuka had disappeared behind the schoolyard wall. There, fallen against the pillar, partially concealed by rocks and half-dead grass, was a small white envelope. Interesting, Toji thought.

He looked in the direction Asuka had gone. Far, far down the long road that bordered the west wall of the campus, Toji could just make out a tiny orange speck. He thought about snatching up the envelope and chasing after her, but quickly dismissed that idea. Any such courtesy was unlikely to win him any approval from Asuka. In fact, she was more likely to repay his kindness by trying to murder him for involving himself in her business. As the whole school was aware, there was no love lost between the 'asshole jock' and the 'redheaded bitch.' Besides, he was burning with curiosity about what the mysterious envelope might contain, to say nothing of whether it might be something he could hold over his nemesis.

Toji contemplated the far-away girl again. Even if she realized it was missing and turned back right then, he'd still have plenty of time to take or abandon the envelope and avoid discovery. With another quick glance around to make sure he wasn't being watched, he bent down, picked up the envelope, and held it against the setting sun. There was paper inside, a letter. The back of the envelope was blank, but there was writing on the front. A single word in neatly printed English capital letters. A name, and one that Toji recognized:

AYANAMI

He tapped the corner of the envelope against his palm and stared thoughtfully after the redhead, now completely out of view. What would Asuka be putting in a letter to her classmate and fellow Eva pilot that she couldn't just tell her in person at any time? More and more interesting, he mused.

Next question: should he open it or not?

It could be something juicy; valuable ammo to use against the she-devil, or something his pal Shinji would find useful to know. Of course, there would be hell to pay if she found out. While he wasn't physically as afraid of the German girl as he acted in front of the class, Asuka was known for striking first and hitting fast and hard. The experience of a few saps who'd been unfortunate enough to spark her ire and too stupid to get out of the way quickly enough (Toji himself being among the first, as he recalled) had demonstrated clearly to all that when taking on boys, "the demon" would hold nothing back and count on her victim's fear of punishment if they defended themselves too aggressively. Toji felt sure he could handle her if it came down to it, though. Mean streak and sharp claws or not, she was half his size. And if it was nothing interesting or useful, he could just stuff the letter in her locker. She'd know it was opened, of course, but surely she'd have no way to know by whom?

On the other hand, it could be secret NERV stuff. Something that Toji could get in real trouble for seeing. Now, that gave him pause. The idea that he might be thrown into prison or even killed over the contents of the small paper packet in his hand, while laughable at first, was less and less so the more he thought about it. But if it was anything that dangerous, surely he could just get rid of it? Besides, if the letter did contain secret NERV stuff, there was very little his other friend, Kensuke – a massive fanboy of anything government or military and of NERV and the Evas in particular - wouldn't do in exchange for a peek at the contents. In particular the thought of having a personal valet for the rest of high school was an appealing one to Toji. And if letter was too spicy – like, 'disappear you and your whole family' spicy - he'd just torch it, and nobody would be any the wiser.

Toji reached a sudden decision. The hell with it; it was too sweet an opportunity to let slip by. With a few practiced flicks of his thumb, while being careful not to damage the envelope more than was necessary and scanning his immediate area for prying eyes, he opened the letter. His nostrils twitched as the faint scent of perfume wafted up into his face. Odd, he thought. He opened the folded paper. It was a lot lighter and thinner than he'd expected and was decorated with faint floral print on the letterhead and margins. Very odd.

It didn't appear to be a very long letter, either – no more than a dozen or so lines. With one more quick look up and down the street, he leaned against the wall and started to read. At first, his brow furrowed in concentration as he struggled with the faint script. As he read on, though, his eyes got wide. Then wider still. His jaw dropped. He finished the letter and read it again. Then a third time. Finally, Toji stopped reading, looked up, and, mouth still agape, stared incredulously in the direction Asuka had disappeared.

From the day she'd arrived at Tokyo-3 First Municipal Junior High School, Asuka had established herself as a dominant force in most aspects of school life. Proud and openly boastful of her status as the pilot of an Evangelion, a straight-A student, and a foreigner, she was offensively self-confident and outgoing. She was admired by the girls, lusted after by the boys, and fawned over endlessly by both sexes. But over a period of six months, Asuka had at first gradually, then rapidly, gone from being loud, brash, and garrulous to being sullen and withdrawn. It had been the subject of much speculation (though never in her presence, of course,) but nobody, not even her closest friends among their peers, could offer an explanation for such a drastic change in her demeanor.

But Toji knew why, now. Oh, boy, did he ever! And it was the revelation of the century. He scanned the letter again.

Ayanami… something you need to know...

It seemed that Asuka Langley Soryu, the infamous orange demon and the terror of Class 2-A, was in love. And not just in love, but lovesick.

...tried to talk to you... I have these feelings for you...

And the kicker, the best part - not only was the biggest, most vocally boy-crazy loudmouth First Municipal Junior High had ever known moping around and pining away like an abandoned puppy... but it was all over a girl.

...you fill my mind all day... Rei, I've shown you my heart...

But it got better! It wasn't just any girl, oh no. Not sweet, kind Hikari, or Etsuko, or Kazue, or Hiroko, or any of the other pretty, bubbly, and outgoing girls in their class. No, it had to be freaking Rei Ayanami, the ice princess herself! A girl of very obvious attractions but who was so bland and terminally weird that even the horniest and most desperate of boys usually gave her a wide berth.

...I'm scared, really scared... keep my secret...

So many other things made sense now, too. Like the way Asuka would stare at Rei in class when she thought nobody was looking. The fact that she could so often be found in the neighborhood of Rei's locker. Or the way they'd almost invariably end up paired together or on the same team in PE and sports. "Jesus, Red," Toji breathed in amazement to the empty street in front of him. This was something else, all right. If it ever got out, it'd be the talk of the whole school for months, and who only knew what NERV would make of it? He shook his head and continued staring after Asuka, as though she'd only just left. He stood there for a long time against that wall, his mind digesting all he had just learned.

...too much to hope that you'll ever feel as I do...

He'd gone from shocked to contemplative by the time the disappearing shadows and growing darkness reminded Toji he needed to get home. With a deep sigh, he pushed off the wall and set off on his way when he stopped dead and looked down at the letter still in his hand. He'd forgotten all about it. What should he do? Put it secretly in Asuka's locker, or dump it? Probably best to get rid of it. There was nothing to be gained by risking the demon-girl finding out he knew her sordid little secret.

Toji brought his hands together to crumple the letter up, but stopped himself just short. He stood frozen in the act for long seconds before a light seemed to go off behind his eyes. Apparently reaching an epiphany of some kind, he shoved the note in his bag instead and slowly continued his walk home, deep in thought.

The next morning, Asuka was nervous and irritable. She'd left home before breakfast to avoid Shinji and Misato and so she could walk to school alone, so she was hungry, too, which didn't improve her mood one bit. She walked slowly, methodically retracing the path she had taken home the previous day, her eyes darting left and right as she went, on the lookout for any sign of her missing envelope. She'd seen nothing by the time she reached the school gate, but she wasn't about to panic just yet; there was a good chance the envelope had simply fallen out of her bag and into her locker.

"Soryu."

Asuka nearly jumped out of her skin at the sound of her name spoken almost in her ear as she passed through the gate, though she just managed to control herself. She whirled about and found herself facing Suzahara. He was leaning against the wall behind the large pillar of the schoolyard gate, his arms folded, trying just a little too hard to appear casual. She glared at him warily and spoke sharply; "what do you want, Stooge?"

With a small sigh, he pushed off the wall, took a few steps toward her, and stopped, his arms still folded. He said, after a furtive glance over each shoulder, in a voice low enough that only she could hear, "I need to talk to you. In private."

Her eyes narrowed. "Why?" she asked suspiciously, her voice heavy with danger. "And why can't we talk here?" she demanded.

Toji sighed again and shook his head. "I just do. And trust me, you don't want to do this in public." With that, he turned away and started walking towards a deserted corner of the schoolyard, clearly expecting that Asuka would follow.

She hesitated. Little alarm bells were going off in the back of her mind as vague intuition chided her that this aberrant behavior and her missing letter were connected somehow. Finally, and with a helpless mental shrug, she trailed after the tall boy.

Those alarm bells of suspicion had become warning klaxons shrieking in her ears by the time Asuka had followed Toji around the corner of a deserted outbuilding, and he suddenly stopped and faced her. Her eyes dropped to his schoolbag propped against the wall, left deliberately in this spot, out of the range of any prying eyes or ears. She eyed him sullenly and waited doggedly for him to break the sudden silence.

Toji held her gaze as he dropped to his haunches and opened the bag. "This is what I wanted to talk to you about." He reached inside and pulled out a small, white envelope. Slightly dirtier and more rumpled than it had once been, nonetheless a familiar envelope, with 'AYANAMI' on the front in bold English capitals; Asuka's neat print.

A familiar envelope that had clearly been opened and then carelessly resealed.

Asuka's eyes narrowed again, then quickly widened as realization dawned. Her breath caught in her throat as he stood and held the white packet out to her. She could only stare at him, her features frozen in a look that could only be described as abject horror.

"You, uh... I think you dropped this. Uh, yesterday after school..."

Toji started to feel more than a little uncomfortable as the seconds ticked by, and Asuka just stared at him like she was a statue in a museum. Then, in a moment, she seemed to just... crumble. Her shoulders slumped, her face fell, and she dropped her gaze. "Did you read it?" she demanded quietly as she glared at her feet. Her voice was defeated and bitter, though it hadn't entirely lost that dangerous edge.

"Yeah. Sorry, I found it on the ground and opened it without looking." Sensing the danger, Toji was choosing his words carefully. Well, it was technically true; his eyes hadn't actually been on the envelope when he'd opened it; he'd been busy making sure she hadn't come back to catch him with it.

Asuka's mind was racing. How could this have happened? How could she have been so stupid and so careless as to let it happen? Socially, she was finished; her reputation was torched. All the respect from the girls, all the fear from the boys she'd cultivated over the past year-and-a-half, all that was gone the moment Suzahara opened his fat mouth, if he hadn't already. Now, she would just be 'the dyke.' The subject of sidelong glances, guarded whispers, and secret mockery. And what would happen when NERV found out? What would they do to her? At the very least, they'd forbid her any contact with Rei outside of official duties.

The ground and Asuka's feet blurred and swam as her eyes brimmed with angry tears. "So this is, what? Blackmail?" She sniffed angrily and wiped her nose on the back of her hand. "Or did you just drag me over here to gloat before you ruin my life?"

"Red, look at me." Shocked by the sobriquet and the relative gentleness of Toji's voice, Asuka's head snapped up. He met her gaze evenly and jiggled the proffered envelope. "Here, take it. This ain't any blackmail. I just wanted to give this back. And to talk."

Projecting clear disbelief, Asuka nonetheless reached out and took the incriminating letter, clasping it to herself in folded arms. "To talk? What's there to talk about? Are you hoping for some pervy details?" she asked, jeeringly. "Because there aren't any. I haven't even told her how I feel about her yet." God, how alien and bizarre those words sounded, spoken aloud and coming from her own mouth!

Toji folded his arms and cleared his throat, clearly uncomfortable and unsure of how to proceed. "Look, Red, here's the thing; I'll tell you honest and up-front, I don't approve of that kind of stuff," he declared sternly.

Asuka was astute enough to comprehend that by 'that kind of stuff,' he meant homosexual relationships. "So, what, then? You're going to blab? Rat me out to NERV, or to the school?"

Toji cleared his throat again and shook his head. "Well... no. I mean, I said I don't like it and I don't, but... it's also like... your business, yeah?" He started waving and gesturing with his arms, like he was making a grand point. "Like, everyone has a right to try and be happy, and all that stuff, and how you do that's got nothing to do with anybody else but you, you know? And I guess Ayanami, if you tell her."

Asuka shook her head slowly in amazement. Toji Suzahara, Libertarian supreme.

"And if she goes "that way," too. Because I gotta warn you, Red, I don't think she does, especially with the way she looks at Shin-man and everything. So, yeah, that's all I really wanted to say. That, and I swear I'm not gonna say a word about it to anyone. Not even Hikari," he finished at last.

For the first time in a long time, something like hope welled up inside Asuka. Whatever resulted from these burgeoning new feelings and her desperate infatuation with the First Child, here it appeared she'd stumbled – almost literally - across respect, trust, and maybe even friendship in the absolute last place she'd ever have imagined it could be. And that made her feel like anything at all was possible.

Toji eyed Asuka nervously as she stared past him into the middle distance, a kaleidoscope of indecipherable emotions chasing each other in rapid succession across her face. His eyes flicked toward the sound of the first warning bell on the other side of the campus, heralding the beginning of the school day. "Hey, so, Red, we'd better get going. I'll give you a few minutes start, and then I'll go the long way so that we don't... we don't, ah..." he stammered, and trailed off, and looked down at Asuka, who seemed to have teleported suddenly in front of him. She was staring intently up into his face, serious and thoughtful.

"Red?" Though all-in-all it had gone amazingly better than he felt he had any right to expect, Toji had imagined any number of reactions to this impromptu forced confessional, most of them dire. The one thing he absolutely did not foresee was for Asuka to step forward, put her arms around him in a firm embrace, and lay her head against his chest.

"Uh," he said.

Asuka held on until slowly, hesitantly, he brought his arms up to return the hug. "Thank you, Toji," she said solemnly, her eyes fixed intently on the wall next to them that hid them from view. "I won't forget about this. Not ever."

This was beyond strange. The sound of his given name coming from Asuka was almost as shocking as the hug had been. Though he still wasn't sure exactly what had just happened here, Toji understood enough to know that he'd done a good thing today and possibly turned an enemy into a friend in the process. He gave her shoulders a squeeze.

"Hey, don't mention it," he said breezily. "...Asuka."

Author's note: Well, that was fun. I'm really not sure if I'm going to continue this. I'm getting the feeling that writing a believable love story between two girls might be a lot harder than it seems. We'll see.

Being as this is the first thing I've written in almost 15 years, I'd be stoked to receive any and all feedback; constructive, destructive or otherwise. Tell me you loved it. Tell me you hated it. Tell me it's the worst piece of shit ever put to print, that I'm a godless son-of-a-bitch and you wish I was dead. I want to hear it all. Thank you.