Me And My Not!-Boyfriend's Robofriend

Summary: The ADA are used to Dazai doing/knowing weird things/people, but even they have to admit Adam Frankenstein takes the cake.

Part 1 of Dazai's Strangest Guests

One day, the Armed Detective Agency receives an unexpected visitor.

Now, unexpected visitors - or even 'visitors' - weren't really strange for a detective agency, let alone the Armed Detective Agency. A new client could walk through their doors at any moment or an ambush could be sprung on them at random, so they're not exactly surprised by a visitor during their work hours.

That it's a fairly tall man with a blank, plain face dressed in a full business suit and tie, chewing a gum disinterestedly while dark eyes scanned their office isn't exactly weird, either. They're aware they look like any other small business' office and not the infamous Agency which takes on the Port Mafia for a hobby. Well, they stopped doing that, for the most part because of the standing truce, but that's not the point.

"Can we help you, sir?" Tanizaki asked, the first to approach the man, who politely turned to face him.

"Ah, does a Dazai Osamu work here?"

"Yes, he stepped out for a moment. He should be back soon. Sorry, do you have an appointment?" The ginger asked while Kunikida glared at the dark haired newcomer.

"No, he doesn't. The only ones who make appointments with that bandaged idiot are the Guild and the Port Mafia," the idealist said, notebook and pen already in hand. "With which one are you affiliated?" He asked with an unspoken threat, but before the mystery man could reply, Ranpo called out.

"Neither, Kunikida~ However, he is a weird foreigner ... I can't read him at all." The greatest detective had his eyes open and his glasses on, but the man remained a mystery even to him. "All I can say is that he doesn't seem to mean any harm to us."

"That is correct," the man replied and they all noticed how ... flat his tone was. "In fact, I am a fellow detective, just stationed in Europe. I've come back to Yokohama for a visit and Dazai Osamu would be the best to reach out to first if I wish to fulfill my agenda."

"You ... expect Dazai ... to help you with your preplanned, scheduled agenda?" Kunikida asked incredulously, even more poleaxed when the man just nodded. "But ... Dazai!?"

"Yes, Dazai Osamu," the man repeated, cocking his head in confusion. "Is there something wrong? I sense a cause of confusion but I can't quite detect it ... I thought I got over this problem a long time ago. It seems that Yokohama always messes with my running algorithms ... "

"Hey, mister, why do you talk all funny like that?" Kenji, bless his soul, asked, blinking innocently up at the newcomer.

"Who even are you?" Yosano added from where she was sitting on Ranpo's desk, eyes narrowed suspiciously, a baseball bat 'casually' within reach. "You never introduced yourself. If you think we're letting one of our own go alone with you without even that, especially Dazai, you're greatly mistaken, buddy." Yosano did not want the stress of a close call where Dazai's well being was concerned. She'd be happier to prevent ever successfully using her Ability on Dazai, considering the necessary circumstances.

"Oh, right. Excuse my manners. My name is-"

"Adam?" Dazai, who had come back, interrupted with a bewildered look on his face. A rare sight indeed, Dazai's genuine surprise. "What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be in Europe? England or something?"

"Dazai-san," the stranger says with delight, giving a little bow in greeting. "It has been a while."

Dazai eyes him in still present confusion. "Yeah, six years. You still didn't answer my question."

"I have asked for holiday leave," the guy, Adam, says, sounding a bit proud of himself.

Dazai's lips quirked up a bit. "And you decided to spend it in Yokohama?"

"I figured it's the optimal time to check in on you and Chuuya-sama."

The genius' eyes darkened. "Ah, so this is about the recent apple suicide incident. Don't worry, the chibi's fine. Speaking of which, shouldn't you be checking on him instead of coming here?"

Adam shook his head. "Negative. While the two uses of Corruption after four years of silence have attracted my attention, my visit was not solely to check on Chuuya-sama, but also you. I heard about how that singularity came to be. Are you alright?"

Dazai just stared at him for a moment before bursting into genuine laughter, somewhat caught off guard by it all. "Besides Chuuya, you were the only one who asked me that! Figures only slugs and androids would realize what it would mean for me for that singularity to come to be."

"Speaking of!" Adam exclaimed, ignoring the confused looks they were getting. "What do you get when one android learns grammar?" Complete and utter silence.

"What?" Kenji, bless him, asks with a smile.

Adam also smiles. "A droid."

Kenji's smile turns to confusion. "I don't get it."

Dazai just snorts.

"Okay, how about this? It's not in my usual repertoire, but it's still humorous. Why does Snow White prefer Android?"

Dazai snorts again, snickering behind his palm.

"Because she hates Apples?" Atsushi guesses and both Dazai and Adam beam at him.

"Atsushi-kun~! You're my new favorite!"

"Wait, who was your favorite before?" An indignant Yosano demands but Dazai just motioned zipping his lips. "Fine, be that way. See if I share my sake with you the next time I decide to drink!" She humphed but Dazai just chuckled before gesturing to Adam to come sit with him in the reception area. They both ignored how the rest were watching them intently as Dazai just reached into his pocket and took out a pack of bubblegum.

Adam immediately perked up.

"So you really just came to check up on us? Does Chuuya know you're in town?" Dazai asked while Adam popped a gum into his mouth, almost immediately blowing a pink bubble. "Did you make sure you weren't followed? Or bugged? Because you must know I won't talk if you're not certain such information won't be leaked." Adam cast a glance at the others but Dazai just waved him off. "They're safe, both through basic decency and ignorance."

"I understand. Well, in that case, I can 99,9% confirm that I was not followed, there are no tracking or surveillance devices on my body and I've scrubbed my systems three times during the flight and twice more before entering this building, therefore there is no foreign codes that may trigger into activation and ghost along my servers while we converse."

Dazai nodded, satisfied, but Ranpo suddenly jumped off of his seat and marched over to the two sitting on the couches. He pointed a dramatic finger at their visitor. "Wait! You're a robot!? That explains why I couldn't properly deduce anything from you, I was working with faulty premises!"

"Ah, yes, I never got to introduce myself. I apologize, I sometimes forget neglecting self introduction is disrespectful in social manners. I am a business-intended machine, an officer from EUROPOLE. My model number is 90F7819-5. I am a creation manufactured by Ability technician, Professor Wollstonecraft. Out of the world police agencies, I was the very first autonomous high-speed computer. My code-name is Adam Frankenstein, but you may address me just by Adam." Adam stood up, did a perfect little bow in greeting, and sat back down while the Agency just gawked at the man, no, robot. "Do you all know Nakahara Chuuya?"

"Mr Fancy Hat? Yeah, we know him," Yosano replied, getting over the shock for the moment. "Not like we're on the best of terms, though, considering we're in enemy organizations."

"But I thought there was a truce? And surely you work together, for Chuuya-sama to use Corruption," the android questioned and Dazai sighed.

"How do I explain all of this?" He mused to himself, tipping his head back. "You know I left the Mafia, right? Yeah, Chuuya was rather angry with me and many consider me an outright traitor despite me just defecting without spilling any secrets. But Mori-san is still as despicable as ever and wants me back, so despite quite a bit of personal, moral and professional animosity, we have an alliance of convenience. It came in handy when we had to fight Shibusawa Tatsuhiko for the second time, or the Guild, or the Rats out of the House of Dead, more recently, though Chuuya and I didn't work together on that one."

"So you were the ones who fought the singularity?" The android asked and Dazai offered him a smile akin to a cat that got the cream.

"Naturally. As if there's anyone else who could do it like we can. You do know we became an official partnership six years ago, right? The devastating rivals, the unstoppable partnership, the indestructible duo of the Port Mafia ... We were best known as Soukoku, of course."

"Yes, the European organizations and governments were quite intrigued and, dare I say, intimidated," Adam commented while the Armed Detective Agency, sans Ranpo this time, gawked. And here they thought the robot was bad enough of a surprise! "Tell me, Dazai-san, was Chuuya-sama ... well, after using Corruption?"

Something shifted in Dazai's expression, making him look unbearably soft all of a sudden. "Yeah, the slug is fine. The fight with Lovecraft wiped him out and knocked him on his ass since it was the first time in years he was using Corruption, but when he fought the singularity dragon, he woke up within a couple of hours despite really overdoing it with Corruption. And oh! I guess I can tell you as long as you don't gossip-"

"I would never endanger Chuuya-sama or you that way, Dazai-san!" Adam interrupted, sounding mighty offended for a robot. Atsushi, Kenji and Kyouka were especially fascinated by this show of emotion as robots were usually portrayed as these emotionless, sentient killer dolls with a grudge against the human race, so this was a surprise from the usual fiction they consumed. Tanizaki would be fascinated, too, but ... Well, Naomi was more or less bored of Adam and had instead gotten her hands in her brother. Adam, in fact, actually eyed the two with a confused expression. "How odd. My scanners show that there is enough compatibility between their genetics to be blood siblings, and yet-"

"It's best not to ask," Dazai interrupted with a sweatdrop. He did not want Chuuya's precious android friend to fry his circuits by trying to comprehend the Tanizaki siblings. The Agency was unsure of what their actual deal was, let alone a detective-agent android who probably wasn't programmed or trained to deal with incest. "Let's go back to the chibi, ne?"

"Am I to presume Chuuya-sama is still below the average regarding height?" The non-human of the two asked with a quirked eyebrow. Dazai smirked. "I am sure that greatly upsets him. Speaking of! I have a joke. Why did the robot get upset? Because everyone kept pushing his buttons."

Atsushi died of internal cringe, though Kyouka and Kenji cracked a smile.

Dazai just chuckled. "Never change. I'm sure that one will drive the hatrack mad. Now, do you actually want me to tell you the interesting tidbit that happened this last time Chuuya used Corruption, or are you going to crack more jokes?"

"Just one more," Adam amended. "Why are some robots insecure? Because their intelligence is artificial!"

Dazai actually gave a snicker at that. "That was the best one yet." Adam preened at that, especially when Yosano nodded in approval and Kenji and Kyouka clapped.

"We may now resume."

"Right. Well, when Chuuya beat that singularity dragon, he kinda screamed a coherent word."

"Fascinating," Adam murmured, leaning forward. "What word could have possibly penetrated the chaos of Arahabaki?"

"Wait, Arahabaki? As in, the rumored god of calamity that created the crater Suribachi City is built upon?" Ranpo interjected, getting all up in Adam's face, green eyes trying to read him, but to no avail.

"Wait, are you saying Nakahara defeated that big dragon!? The one in Sakaguchi-san's reports!? The one big enough to apparently swallow buildings!?" Kunikida demanded, mimicking Ranpo by getting up into Dazai's personal space. Only to shriek and fling himself back when Dazai licked his nose, making disgusted sounds and desperately rubbing at his face with wet wipes. Adam made a contemplative expression, which Ranpo took as his cue to lean back lest he suffer the same fate as Kunikida.

"Wow, Mr Fancy Hat is so cool!" Kenji exclaimed, admiration practically sparkling on his face.

"But how was that even possible?" Yosano asked. "That thing was huge. And Mr Fancy Hat is, well, not."

Dazai shrugged. "Eh, wouldn't be the first time."

" ... Imma need you to elaborate," Ranpo said slowly, turning to face Dazai.

"Right. Remember that big Godzilla-wannabe that appeared in Yokohama six years ago? Yeah, that was us."

"What do you mean, that was you!?"

"'Us'? Us who?"

"Godzilla-wannabe?!"

Kunikida, Yosano and Atsushi all demanded at more or less the same time, but both Adam and Dazai just tilted their heads and regarded them as though they were the crazy ones for reacting like that, or simply not knowing beforehand about this incident and its details.

"I mean, that was us, as in the Port Mafia plus Adam, though mostly Chuuya and I. We were the ones who defeated the beast and saved Yokohama six years ago. You guys didn't know?" Dazai finished by asking them skeptically, to which Yosano and Kunikida yelled a very loud "NO!"

"I mean, I knew the Port Mafia dealt with some great threat, but I was in Tokyo that week, so I never got all the details," Ranpo said, scratching his head. "Though I thought that was the Dragon Head conflict?"

"Oh, yeah, that was us, too. It's when chibi and I became official partners! But, no, this was months before we first kicked Shibusawa's butt."

"As for your inquiry," Adam continued where he left off, looking directly at Atsushi as he spoke. "The 'Godzilla-wannabe' is a demonic beast called Guivre, a living singularity created by a French Ability user researcher and sealed inside a cloned human designated Black No. 12 but more commonly referred to as Paul Verlaine, the Assassin King formerly affiliated with the Transcendents, currently one of the five Port Mafia Executives."

"Verlaine-shishou is a clone?" Kyouka asked, the first thing she'd said since the android entered their office.

"That is correct," Adam confirmed. "Since no lone human can withstand the immense energy needed to create a singularity, even if it was their own Ability creating it, it is very likely that the original 'Paul Verlaine' is long dead and the clone took his place as the host. Not unlike-"

"That's quite enough, Adam," Dazai interrupted and the robot immediately halted mid-sentence.

"I apologize. It was not my intention to overshare. But I thought you were allies?" Adam looked questioningly at the younger Agency genius, but Dazai just ran a hand through his hair with a tired sigh.

"Almost no one in the Mafia knows the full truth, let alone any outsiders, much less tentative allies."

"I see. I apologize once again."

"Anyways, that's the story of the beginning of Soukoku's crazy sixteens!" Dazai said with wiggling jazz hands to emphasize his point. "It's also how Chuuya got his ugly hat, how we met Adam and how the Mafia started its astounding and still ongoing record of basically carrying Yokohama's safety while the Agency and the Division twiddle their thumbs."

"As far as I remember," Yosano said half-jokingly, half genuinely offended. "The Agency carried the Mafia for the last few incidents."

"Uh-huh, sure," the brunet rolled his eyes. "Because it's the Agency who blew up the Guild's primary base of operations or incapacitated at least three of their strongest Ability users. And it was the Agency who fought the eldritch monster that was Lovecraft, not the chibi at all. And it was the Agency that found out how to get their Abilities back after being separated by the Dragon's Breath. Or was it the Agency who fought the dragon? You know, the big, red, singularity one? Or was it the Agency that knew where to expect Pushkin to run out of hiding from? No? I didn't think so. Face it; the Port Mafia is far more used to dealing with situations like these than the Agency is and that's just how things are. No biggie!"

"But what if we ever have to face something like Shibusawa and the dragon ever again?" Atsushi, bless his soul, asked and Adam perked up at the opportunity to answer before Dazai.

"There is no need for concern! As long as Chuuya-sama and Dazai-san are together, everything will be 95,6% fine."

"Yeah, but they're not together anymore," Tanizaki pointed out.

Adam blinked, a gesture he knew humans made when confused. "Pardon?"

"Yeah, they're in enemy organizations now. Of course they're no longer together," Naomi agreed, hugging her brother's arm tight to her chest. "It's only logical, right?"

"Chuuya-sama and Dazai-san are no longer together?" Adam repeated once more, truly bewildered. Then he turned to face the genius brunet, who arched an eyebrow at how stunned the android seemed. "You two divorced because you are in opposing organizations? But why!? According to my calculations, based on the data I collected during the observations of your interactions with Chuuya-sama, I have determined that the two of you would become a couple within sixteen months after that mission and would marry nine months post to that! And you would both stay together quite literally until death did you part! I am aware I am unable to fully grasp human behaviors, let alone a relationship as complex as between such complex beings like yourself and Chuuya-sama, but this was a, as you humans would say, no brainer! How could it be possible that I was wrong?!"

At this point, the whole Agency was staring at Adam as though he'd just turned, as Pinocchio would say, into a real boy. Even Dazai and Ranpo were flabbergasted! In this situation, Ranpo being confused or surprised wouldn't even be all that strange, but Dazai!?

"Dazai-san, you're married!?" Atsushi finally screeched, making the brunet in question sputter.

"No! I don't even have a boyfriend or girlfriend!" The accused denied.

"But I thought you and Chuuya-sama were referred to as 'partners'?" Adam asked and Dazai rounded on him, a flush covering his cheeks while Kunikida, his new partner at work, choked. Especially when Kenji and Kyouka sent him skeptical glances.

"Not like that! We're not life partners!"

"But you are partners for life, right?"

"That's still not the same!" Dazai and Kunikida shrieked, but Ranpo had caught on to something. Too bad Naomi, the teenage girl gossip that she was, beat him to voicing it.

"You didn't deny being partners for life with the guy!"

"Yeah, what's up with that, Dazai~?" Ranpo teased, but Dazai, surprisingly, gave them a deadpan look.

"Do you have any idea how many times people told us we're practically one soul split into two bodies? Of course I'm not denying it. Soukoku speaks for itself!"

"So you're soulmates but you won't marry?" Adam asked, a frown on his face. "This does not configure with the information I got from romance novels and internet forums, especially these interesting stories on this one site called A-"

"Adam, just ... I'm going to tell Dr Wollstonecraft to install parental control on your internet access. I am concerned by your online activity." Adam was about to complain but Dazai cut him off. "Do you want to see the chibi or not?"

"Hey, don't take him away!" Complained Yosano as Dazai skipped out and Adam followed. "We were just getting to the good stuff!"

"I don't hear you~"

"Brat!"

OWARI