Cahir didn't know if it was the herbs speaking or her, and to be honest, he didn't care. It pained her to admit it, that much he understood. She was thankful, that should have been enough, it should be enough for him to let it go-
'I'm not leaving you again so you should get used to me.' he said and moved over on his side next to her. She didn't reply. He half thought she faked being asleep when the familiar herb-induced breathing reached him. Mere hours ago she had begged him to touch her in her delirium to help her tell the truth from the dreams, she had begged him to not leave her. He had refused her. He refused to take advantage of her.
Cahir placed a hand on her shoulder and shook her gently, when she didn't stir he placed his head on her chest and closed his eyes. He did it to keep track of her pulse. He knew now that every time her pain spiked her heart sped up, he'd been doing it for days. Gently pressing herbs to her lips at regular intervals when her heartbeat betrayed her.
There was no pain. He stayed awake for hours, counting her breaths and listening to her heart, forever dreading that first night he'd laid like this. Listening to her ragged breathing and her anguished screaming. If he never had to hear that sound again he'd be content. If he never had to see her scream until she bled he'd be-
Auri stirred beneath him. He moved his head from her chest and looked at her face. The familiar sweat had returned and the fog didn't lift when she opened her eyes. She had the same drawn, pained and unfocused gaze as before.
'Why are you still here?' she mumbled and turned over on her other side.
'I owe you that much. You healed my arm, I couldn't just let you bleed out and die-'
'You keep killing me in my dreams. You keep stabbing me over and over, and then you laugh down at me while I drown in my own blood-' she said with a defeated look on her face.
Cahir's mind cracked. The pain she still felt and the dreams that kept coming back, she had felt the dagger. She had felt him try to kill her, and somehow, her mind kept reminding her of it.
'I can't tell if this is-' Her eyes fluttered slightly and before he managed to tell her to continue she fell asleep again. He ran a tentative hand over her chest. Triss had said to feel for the heat. Irregular heat. He'd thought that would be the simplest thing he had to do, but he'd completely underestimated just how much Auri used her fire, even when unconscious. Some aspect of him knew she did it to let some of it out, another part of him was mortified. He had sat with her in the scolding waters and he'd felt his skin blister. Her own skin had scorched his. Triss had warned him to get out and leave her but he had refused. He should have listened to her. The cooling paste she had left him didn't even cover his foot.
Cahir had slept when she did, the first time she fainted from the pain he had been too scared to close his eyes. The second time when the hallucinations came he had just laid there next to her and told her about his life. He had told her about the training, the missions and the graves. He noticed then that as long as he kept his voice low and spoke quietly her breathing evened out.
Cahir had spent hours thinking about how he'd keep himself awake. How was he going to keep doing this if she-
He'd taken one of the reins and tied it around her wrist. He tied the other end to his arm and laid down. The moment she moved he'd feel it. He had been next to her for half a week, only moving when she did.
He'd fed her every piece of salted meat he had, forced her to swallow less than clean water from the stream and calmed her down when she threw it all back up. The night before he went to Oxenfurt he had thought she was out of the woods. He assumed the smell was him. He had been so relieved she'd been speaking he hadn't even checked. He'd let her go. He watched her stumble out of the cave-
The smell. He would never forget the smell for as long as he lived. The fire within her had charred the skin just as much as the necrosis. She had heated the infection herself and made it spread without knowing it. He had ignored it because he reeked-
Auri groaned in her sleep. Her hand fumbled with something beneath the layers of fur he'd piled on top of her to keep her warm. She shoved her boots out of the furs, moved her cloak tighter around herself and turned to him.
She was still sleeping as she extended a hand and grabbed for him. She seemed to panic for the slightest moment because he'd moved. He smiled lightly as he moved back over to her and handed her his arm. He'd expected her to take it again. She had the last time. His shoulder had been paralyzed and aching when she finally let go.
Cahir let out a quiet sound of surprise when Auri's hand found his shoulder. She moved her weight to her palm and pushed him back down on the furs. Ever so gently she moved her head to his shoulder and moved his arm out of the way. She nestled her head in the crook of his neck and Cahir stopped breathing. The feeling of her other hand on his chest-
Her nose grazed the soft skin by his jaw and a hand curled around his neck and lightly tugged on strands of his hair. He'd dared to leave her alone for twenty minutes the other day so he could clean himself off in the stream. He'd kept watching her as he sunk down in the still steaming water.
Yet, all he seemed to be able to think about was how her small hand had locked around his thigh when Jaskier moved the dagger. She had begged him to stop, she had begged him to save her and it took all of the willpower he had left to keep her still. She had bled through so many of his shirts he'd run out. He'd tossed her the last one when she asked, trying and failing not to look at her. To not look at how the angry wounds marred her chest, or how she crossed her arms to shield herself.
He had already seen her, he had already seen what she looked like, and she'd definitely stab him if she knew.
Cahir stretched an arm and was painfully reminded about the other stabbing. Did it count as stabbing if she'd thrown a dagger? Did she even remember doing it? He'd rebound his wound while she slept the second night. Her dagger had been clean, he wasn't worried about any kind of infection. He was worried about the depth of it. The blade had forced its way into his side to the hilt.
He no longer worried about her killing him. He wanted her to try. He wanted her to let the fire out. The fire scared him, and if anger was what she needed to get it out, he'd let her. He should have taught her how to fight. She was useless with anything other than a dagger. She managed to keep her stance, yes, he'd seen that much, but other than that-
'I'm so cold,' she spoke from the side of his neck.
'You don't feel cold,' he said and wrapped an arm around her. She wasn't cold at all. She wasn't even sweating anymore-
Cahir wrapped the furs tighter around her and followed after her. He placed her back against his chest and let her head rest on his arm.
'You don't feel warm either. It may be the herbs leaving you. Triss said you'd have withdrawals. I had to keep you calm-'
'I know. I heard you beg me to swallow.'
Cahir stayed silent. He gently trailed a hand over her chest and moved her closer to him. He was still warm from the stream, if he could help her he would.
'I'm too tired to do it myself-' she explained when he grabbed his own furs and piled them on top of her.
'I know.'
He listened to her breathing and watched as her chest rose and fell. She no longer strained to take a breath and the pained expression on her face had gone. She just looked tired and wan. He had never been more scared in his life when he left her. She seemed to understand the severity of the situation because she'd stopped fighting, she had simply swallowed the herbs and let him go.
He had stopped thinking straight. How he got through the sewers still escaped him. He wanted to tell her, he so very desperately wanted to tell her what she meant to him- What she had done for him without even realizing it. He believed in fate as much as the next person, this didn't feel like that. It didn't feel like some greater power had decided that he should be the one to find her by the Yaruga-
'What are you thinking about? I can hear your brain.' she mumbled into his arm.
Cahir said nothing. She was only with him because she was sick and she had no choice. He was needed. She needed him to survive. There was nothing else-
She moved her head up from his arm and turned her head. He wanted to brush the hair away from her face and force her to understand that he would stay with her, that he would get her home, that he-
'Are you worried I'm gonna stab you again?' she said and grinned weakly.
'Should I be?' he asked.
'No. I just figured if I threatened to stab you you'd tell me what's on your mind. You look-' she scrunched her nose a little and the wrinkle came back, '-off.'
'What do you mean off?' he questioned and scanned her face. He looked for anger, hate, the sense of betrayal that made her eyes grow dark.
'You haven't looked the same since you kissed my forehead-'
'You remember that?'
'I do, I thought I hallucinated it the first time, but when you left I smelled you. I still smell like you, so-' she turned to face him fully, carefully moving her body, achingly slow not to antagonize the healing. Her thigh brushed over his and it sent a bolt of warmth up his spine all the way to his neck.
'Did you kiss me because you were leaving or because you thought I'd die?'
I kissed you because I love you.
Cahir cleared his throat and moved his eyes to the middle of her forehead, he didn't dare look her in the eye. Despite her moving his head with a finger, despite her hand gently guiding his face down to look at her.
'You were in so much pain, Auri,' he began. He would break himself for her. He would end everything for her. This violent fucking beast that had tried to kill him twice. This tiny, ferocious woman from Skellige-
'-I wanted you to know I was coming back for you. I wanted you to know I was real and that I was helping you,' he said quietly, waiting for her to shove him away and scream at him that it was all a lie. 'I needed to have done that at least once, should you die before I got back.'
Auri just stared at him. He wanted to shake her, he wanted her to understand what he was telling her. He should have told her days ago, he should have made her see it, feel it.
'I felt you. I felt your hands. It's how I know I'm not hallucinating. It happened at the inn too, your hands-' she said and forced him to look at her. Her eyes shone with a light he hadn't seen for days. Adamance. Need.
'And now?'
'I need you to touch me. I need you to show me this is real, I can still feel the herbs, I can still feel the fog and the darkness. Help me, Cahir.'