Eyelids, heavy as if made of lead, very slowly went up causing eyes accustomed to darkness to collide with extremely bright light. Rectangular lamps doubtfully decorated the white ceiling, whose still dulled eyesight counted exactly three pieces. The unconscious mind was unable to determine where it was or why it was there. The muffled sounds were becoming clearer, but not enough to fully assess their origin.
– ...Can you hear me? – a female voice reached him.
He moved his head slightly meeting the gaze of the brown eyes staring at him, only to experience a sharp pain in the temple area at the same moment. The unpleasant skull-tearing sensation multiplied as soon as another voice sounded in the room.
Painfully familiar and close.
He got up suddenly, but strong arms stopped him from this reckless move.
– Please lie down. You suffered a serious head injury – he once again heard the voice causing a kind of paralysis.
With a slight hesitation, he followed towards the source of the sound – their gazes met. Two pairs of black eyes stared at each other in silence, which after a moment was broken by a woman standing next to them.
– Please tell us your name.
– What? – asked in an unpleasant tone.
– As doctor Ryuguji said, you suffered a serious head injury, so there may be memory problems – she explained calmly.
Mikey blinked several times, and the sensation of pain once again changed its character.
Doctor Ryuguji?! – ran through his head, heavy for many reasons.
– Answer nurse Osaka's question, please – he said, gently touching his arm.
Mikey's gaze became more aware. His disbelieving gaze registered very clearly a sight verging on madness – Ken-chin in a white kit, his long black hair was tied up in a neat ponytail, completely covering the tattoo on his pale skull skin. What hadn't changed were the black shining eyes that he was sure he would never be able to erase from his memory.
Tears filled his own eyes. Ken-chin had no right to be here, no right to breathe. After all, death is the ultimate, an absolute dark end with no chance of return.
Or at least in most cases.
And it was he who, with his own hands, deprived him of this opportunity, deprived him of his life.
He deprived the lives of his close friends, and of course he deserved the same.
Quite an appropriate punishment, right?
Recalling all this, at that exact moment he understood what was happening. Ken-chin is dead, but he also no longer belongs to the world of the living. It must be an illusion bordering on life and death. His brain simply plays tricks on him drugged by psychoactive substances and for some incomprehensible reason creates such improbable images as this.
A little calmer, confident that in just a moment the vision would be over and he would stop feeling anything, stop existing, his lips twisted in a gentle smile, and single tears ran down his pale cheeks.
– I'm sorry... – he spoke up, forcing his body to move to touch the hand resting on his shoulder that seems so familiar. – I have no right to ask you to forgive me, but...
– Calm down, please don't say anything more – he interrupted him by tightening his fingers around his cool hand. – Sister Osaki please take care of the other patients, I will stay a while longer – he turned to her with a forced smile on his lips.
– I understand. Please let me know if anything changes.
Having said this, she moved across the room and after a while disappeared behind the door leaving them alone.
The look of Ken-chin's eyes became different. A shiver ran through Mikey's body.
– You promised, Mikey – he said quietly. – You promised me you were done with it.
– ...W-what?
– Do you realize what I went through in the last 24 hours before you woke up? What I felt when I saw you unconscious... all covered in blood?
– Ken-chin... I don't understand...
– What don't you understand, Mikey? Toman doesn't exist, and you act as if the decision we unanimously made has no power. Have you changed your mind? Do you regret it?
– Toman... doesn't exist...?
Ken-chin squinted suspiciously, puzzled by Mikey's strange behavior, and suspecting that the head injury may indeed have damaged his memory asked:
– What is your last memory?
– Takemitchi... bang of gunshot...
– Takemitchi was with you? It's impossible. And what gunshot, Mikey?
– Yes, he was. I probably died in his arms – he replied, certain that these were merely prolonged post-mortem visions created by a still-active brain.
– You are not dead, Mikey! – he shouted losing his temper. – You received a punch in the head, judging by the nature of the wound with a metal rod, and lost consciousness – he explained trying to control the sound of his voice.
A wave of powerful misunderstanding passed through Mikey's mind. He feels lost, less and less sure of his previous beliefs.
– Who am I to you, Mikey? – he asked this time decidedly quieter and with noticeable hesitation.
– Best friend – Mikey answered immediately.
– Just friend?
– I... don't understand...
– Hearing from your boyfriend that he sees me only as a friend is quite shocking, don't you think?
Mikey's eyes widened to the limit, and a quiet laugh paradoxically came from his throat.
– Not only you're Dr. Ryuguji, but on top of that you're my boyfriend? That's just shocking – he remarked with a smile that wasn't even suppressed for a moment.
Laughter heralding that loss of senses is quite close.
– Somehow I don't find it funny – he replied and seated next to him on the bed, leaned over him.
Their faces were almost in touch with each other causing Mikey's body to stiffen, putting into question anew the conclusions made long seconds ago.
– I'm afraid that the structures responsible for memory have been damaged, and this means...
– Stop it, Ken-chin... please. It can't be true, you are gone. I... killed you and...
– You're the one who should stop. How could you kill me when I'm here with you! You can see me, can't you? – once again didn't let him finish. – ...You feel it, don't you? – he added, gently brushing his lips.
Mikey's face flushed with a strong blush, and the touch of Ken-chin's lips on his own caused a strong shudder to run down his pale skin hidden under the material of his hospital pajamas.
– Yes, that was your plan, but you backed out at the last minute – he said staring at him with an extremely intense and affectionate gaze. – You didn't kill me, Mikey – he finished very clearly saying each word.
– ...I didn't kill? – he repeated in a trembling voice.
Is it possible that those memories were just a creation of his imagination? Does he have the right to think so? Does he have any basis to believe it?
– Believe me, please – he spoke again, staring at him pleadingly. – It was so long ago. Don't think about it anymore, there is no point in going back to it. The present is completely different, free of unnecessary fights and wrong decisions.
Mikey hesitated with any answer, the chaos in his head slowly reaching its zenith.
– You will soon be home and find out for yourself. You'll remember what our life is like now – Ken-chin's voice sounded again, when the expression on Mikey's face made him realize more clearly how strongly his mind is stuck in denial. – Rest, I'll look in on you in an hour – he said putting an open hand to his burning cheek. – Will you wait for me? – he asked, really wanting to stay with him, to stay by his side until he believed there was no reason to fear and doubt.
Mikey nodded slightly, unable to react otherwise at the moment. The information he had gathered completely shattered the familiar and how cruel pattern of the past. He still didn't believe it, still questioned Ken-chin's words. He did not accept the conditions he was currently in. He thought of them as a temporary stage that would eventually bring him to the edge of awareness of his own existence. Reaching the border would be the beginning of the true end of his long, difficult path.
Ken-chin stepped out into the corridor and having reached his office located at the very end of it, hid himself from the prying eyes of his co-workers. The incredible relief he felt caused the first tears to fall from his eyes, which he tried so desperately to hold back in the presence of his boyfriend. His condition still left a lot to wish for, but the most important thing was that he finally woke up, that he opened his eyes and looked at him. Wiping his tear-wet face with the sleeve of his lab coat, he walked quickly to the desk and once again reviewed the results of the MRI. Nothing had changed since he had studied them so carefully last time - the description still didn't indicate any life-threatening damage.
With a loud sigh, he settled into the chair and hanging his head, hid his face in his hands. He felt exhausted, he hadn't slept for at least 36 hours, and if he were to be honest, even now he was afraid to close his eyes for more than the few minutes.
The expression on Mikey's face, full of regret and weakness, was still before his eyes. The trauma of the past had struck at the least expected moment, returning with redoubled force. He tried to accept this truth, the fact that this cruel incident may have triggered old memories that he may never have really dealt with. Now was the time to change that, to help him understand that they no longer mattered, that he himself did not want them to be unraveled. The sight of Mikey tormenting himself caused him physical pain. He didn't want to see him like this, he wanted him to accept reality, to accept and enjoy what they had achieved together, what they had created by being closer than ever before.
In addition, the fact that Mikey considered him only as his friend made him feel insecure, yet determined to prove that the truth was quite different. He wondered how he would react to the news that they had been living together for five years, and that the life they were living no longer had anything to do with the one they had willfully given up.
Independently, new surprising thoughts were being born in Mikey's head. Thoughts closely related to his best friend. Leaving aside the fact that he still wasn't ready to believe Ken-chin's version of the truth presented to him, the very aspect that he claimed they were more than friends caused unique confusion.
An attitude that Mikey could clearly describe as ambivalent was still alive in his consciousness. His thought processes and emotions did not cooperate. The ambivalence of his feelings led to decisions and behaviors that were tragic in their consequences.
However, despite his obvious disorder, he could not ignore the impression that his version of the truth subconsciously allowed for such an eventuality.
In that case, did that mean that if his own failed, he would have the right to treat him differently? Will he have the right to forgive himself for his own sins? And if so, will such a life bring him satisfaction? Will he be able to move forward by rejecting all that blocks his development and his deeply hidden desire for freedom?
Touching the wound on his right temple, he felt the cotton material of the bandage under his fingers and running his hands over the blood-stained fabric, closed his eyes. He subconsciously waited for the end, which despite his calls, was not coming.
Another thought formed in his badly wounded head - what if this place is the so-called "other side" where he went after his death? In that case, will he stay here forever? Did Ken-chin also end up here after his death? Is this the Ken-chin he knew and loved? And if paradoxically yes, why did he awaken as someone completely different?
More minutes passed. However, the perception of time was disturbed. Did a minute last an actual 60 seconds? Did the passage of 1 second here mean the same as it did there?
So many questions remained unanswered, and the until recently awaited end gradually turned into the worst possible scenario. A scenario that deprived him of the opportunity to take advantage of the second chance he had been given for an incomprehensible reason.
He wished that all the memories associated with the death of his loved ones would turn out to be just a creation of his sick imagination.
Thinking about the past, which he still could not doubt, his heavy eyelids fell freely, hiding his reddened eyes from the bright light.
Unable to further fight, he lost consciousness.
...
It's been 8 days since Mikey regained consciousness in a hospital bed. Each day his perception of reality evolved. Each day the past changed its version and finally on the 5th day he decided on one of them.
Ken-chin's version won.
Mikey accepted the new conditions. He did not make it to the border.
Standing by the wide window, dressed in black pants and a short-sleeved T-shirt, he gazed absently at the crowded streets of Tokyo. He kept his hands in his pockets, and his slightly bent figure suggested that he was fed up with the place.
– Ready? – heard Ken-chin's voice behind him.
– Yeah – he replied, turning toward him with relief.
– So let's go home, Mikey – he said reaching out his hand toward him.
Mikey's feet moved leading him directly to the tall black-haired boy waiting at the exit.
His boyfriend.
The still untamed thought triggered the now familiar heat stroke in him. Mikey hesitated, but didn't dare speak of it, not directly. He didn't want to hurt him. The affection Ken-chin had for him was almost tangible, impossible to ignore.
– No one will disturb us today – he said, sending him a smile full of sincere joy.
– So today I have the day off – Mikey said, grateful that he would not be exposed to another extremely difficult situation.
– You will meet them when you're ready. No one will force you to do anything – he assured opening the door.
The road home passed in a comfortable and peaceful silence. The two-story apartment building they stopped at had something familiar about it. Mikey seemed to remember his presence there. The memory was fuzzy, but it certainly existed.
Pushing open the metal door, Draken let him pass in the doorway and gestured for him to go inside. An equally familiar smell reached Mikey's senses.
Ken-chin's scent.
– Are there two rooms? – Mikey asked, standing still in the narrow corridor.
– Living room with kitchen and bedroom.
The lack of response from Mikey pushed Ken-chin to speak up again.
– I can sleep in the living room if...
– No... it won't be necessary – he interrupted him, not daring to look at him after all.
Leaning down, he removed his shoes and stepped onto the step. Slowly and carefully crossing the distances of the wooden floor, he felt Ken-chin's close presence behind him. Having passed the threshold of the living room, he turned toward the window and once again today stuck his gaze on the view spreading out from behind the shining glass. The view was radically different, characterized by the absence of the ever-present rush and crowds.
– How do you feel? – a quiet voice entered Mikey's ear.
– Overwhelmed – he confessed feeling Ken-chin's arms slowly and carefully wrap around his body.
– Take your time. I'll wait – Draken said, resting his chin on his slightly bowed head.
– Surely it's not easy for you – he noted with a gentle smile on his lips.
– I've been better – he admitted laughing quietly.
– Duration of our relationship from my perspective and yours is different. For me it's just a few days, for you it's a few years – Mikey remarked without taking his eyes off the safe scenery spreading out from the second floor of their shared apartment.
– And that scares me. What if you can't... – Ken-chin hesitated, unsure if he wanted next words to leave his throat, which was clenched from emotion.
Words that can no longer be taken back.
– Even if I don't get those memories back, you can't be sure that I won't fall in love with you once again – he said deciding to look at him.
It is true that Mikey did not exclude such an option. After all, his version of the truth in this regard was not so different from that of Ken-chin.
Stimulated by what he heard, Draken raised his hand and touching Mikey's cheek, ran his thumb over the smooth skin. Mikey's eyes hid involuntarily behind the soft skin of his eyelids, and a quiet murmur escaped his lips.
– I wish you could remember – the soft sound of Ken-chin's voice reached his ears.
Mikey opened his eyes meeting the shining black irises staring at him, the sight of which slowed his heart for a brief moment.
– Me too – he said quietly feeling the already rebellious organ gradually increase its speed.
Ken-chin's hand moved. Weaving his fingers into his soft black hair, he leaned in so that Mikey's warm, slightly quickened breath swept over the skin of his face. This was enough to make him believe that a return to normality was possible, that their lives would eventually get back on track, showing Mikey the advantages of sharing it with Ken-chin.
Desperately grasping at this new thought, Draken pulled him even closer. The unexpected movement startled Mikey, and when he felt Ken-chin's lips come dangerously close to his own, the awareness of such a close presence took away his ability to react at all for a moment. Neither of them dared to move. Staring at each other in silence, they became accustomed to their new conditions.
To the surprise of each party, Mikey was the first to break out. Driven by curiosity and a desire to stop questioning his every potential move, he grasped the material of Ken-chin's shirt with both hands. With a confident movement, he narrowed the distance separating them, causing parts of unfamiliar memories like a movie projection to display themselves in his head, which was full of as yet unstructured connections.
Closing their eyes, they followed a step further. More memories filled Mikey's mind. His version of the truth was losing ground, reaching an inexorable end. Release from its bonds had never been closer to realization.
Joined in a seemingly inseparable kiss, they deprived the moment of all constraints.
...
„Each person takes the limits of his own field of vision as the limits of the world."
Arthur Schopenhauer