About the Author: Currently on the run from Pinkerton agents in Wizard of the Coast's employ for putting a Mind Flayer into a GURPS homebrew campaign, Buster Manwomb would like to remind the world that pirating all first party Dungeons and Dragons material is the morally correct thing to do.
Watch them crank their muse on Twitter at BusterManwomb, at least until they finally get an invitation to Bluesky
Chapter One: One Step Closer to the Edge
Oswald the Lucky Rabbit made The Tomato John Noble Eats in Return of the King spurt so much spermy ketchup from his most genital of nethers.
It was a fortuitous match on Tinder that had brought them together. Being the first Disney character to enter the public domain at the start of 2023, Oswald the Lucky Rabbit was finally allowed out of the chain-laden cellar Disney had kept their other oft-unused legacy characters. Finally having the agency to get his fuck on, Oswald took to Tinder with the immediacy of any rabbit who had been deprived of permission to drain his nutsack for as long as the Academy Awards have existed. Ever the wordsmith, the only line in his Tinder profile read 'let me eat your ass like it's the tomato from Return of the King."
Having in a single sentence managed to alienate people who liked tomatoes, people who disliked tomatoes, Lord of the Rings fans, and non-fans who were unfortunate enough to google the reference all at once, Oswald was astronomically lucky to have been seen by the single entity in all the cosmos that would have read a sentence like that and not petition Tinder to integrate a Super Unlike button. The Tomato John Noble Eats in Return of the King himself did gaze upon Oswalds profile and, in defiance of all sense, reason, and taste, swiped right. For the tomato was desperate for a wet, dripping revisit to that explosive orgasm John Noble gave him back when he got his cherry tomato popped n in front of that viscerally uncomfortable hobbit.
After meeting in a safe public space like a café for the obligatory confirmation that neither of them were serial killers, vampires, or three Disney lawyers in a trench coat lecturing them on the dangers of giving up celibacy (again), they snuck into the nearest convenient graveyard, and just started going at it, right on one of those commemorative benches with a Jesus statue on one end so homeless people won't sleep on them.
It started off with Oswald the Lucky rabbit getting in some good ol wholesome voring on the Tomato when they sucked face a little to passionately. Propelling himself back out to freedom using the propulsive force of his pressurized precum, the tomato then began yanking at Oswald's lucky rabbit while Oswald ate the tomato's ass.
It is worth noting that this graveyard was not off the beaten path. People repeatedly stopped to look, struggling to process what they beheld since the lovemaking at play looked less like 'sex' in the traditional sense than it did a furry having an allergic reaction. By the time the unlikely duo had reached their inky climax, The tomato was dipping his testicles into Oswalds nostrils like golf balls going into a golf ball cleaner while Oswald the Lucky Rabbit was getting a rimjob from the Jesus statue, which had initially willed itself to sentience to move somewhere less sweaty when it thought 'sentient Jesus statue, you should really open youself up to knew experiences, and returned to join his benchmates.
Quickly, open YouTube in two tabs in your browser of choice. Look up "Polar Express Talking To Caribou" in one tab and "Best ASMR Dog In The World" In another. Play them both simultaneously and you'll have a viscerally accurate depiction of the noises derived from the ensuing acts of genital fisticuffs.