Set between Dear Diary and Broken Pieces.

I am woken by the shift of weight in the bed. His breaths are coming short and uneven. Nightmares again. They have been every night recently. I knew that if I touched his skin, I would feel the cold clamminess of panic-induced sweat.

I have learnt from experience /painful experience/ , what happens when I try to wake him. There is no consoling him as he battles the demons, and waking him from them can be deadly. So now, I prepare myself to comfort him as comes around instead. It takes a while but he always returns to me. Sleepily I reach my hand out for him but am met with empty space. "'Ro?"

He turns from sitting on the edge to gently take my hand. "I'm here."

I yawn rubbing at my eyes with the other hand as I yawn. "Nightmares again?" I know it is true, but I pressure him gently just the same. I am met with a grunt as he stands. "Come back to bed." There is something off tonight, something I can't place my finger on. I just want to pull him back into my arms and stroke his hair until he relaxes against me and falls into a sleep where I can help fend off the demons.

"It's okay." I frown at the uncertainty in his voice. "I'm just going out."

"It's the middle of the night Heero." But again he grunts, squeezing my hand lightly before leaving the room without even turning the light on. 'Midnight running' - It could almost be the title of a sappy love song. Instead, it is a song about running away from what haunts you most very night. Running so fast with the fear of them catching up.

It's not the first time that he has done this. He would do it during the war. He would run for miles and miles, running from the shadows inside his mind. Dreams for Heero Yuy were unlike those that onslaught the minds of the other Gundam pilots. Each of us had our nightmares too, but he had memories not just of the war like we did. No, he had something far worse.

Heero had been shattered by Professor J. He and Dekim Barton had played God with the fragile boy's psyche as if it were nothing more than a mere toy. The damage they had caused so thoroughly, and by so many methods, could never really be repaired, even though we tried and hoped.

I knew about the electroshocks, drugs, rapes, and all the other mind control methods. They tried so hard to remove so many naturally /beautiful/ human traits he had been gifted. And instead turned him into the man before me now. He never went into any detail other than that.

You would think after everything that we went through, that he might have been comfortable to talk to me about it. I did the maths quickly in my head, 3 and a half years we had been 'together'. 3 and half years since he found me bleeding from self-inflicted wounds on the bathroom floor of Quatre's family safe house.

Then of course there was the Zero system. That only compounded the damage. His mind was subjected to hundreds of possible battle scenarios that were recalculating with every moment. I had meagre experience with that system, but when I had, I had seen my own death repeatedly. I had seen the destruction I caused and the resulting death of the colony that I was currently hiding out at with Hilde. I was only plugged into that monster for an hour or two, but Heero… I don't know how long he was exposed. He had piloted the Epyon too of course, and then Wing Zero. There was the final Christmas battle, and then the Mariemaia uprising. However, I suspect that Wing Zero finally exploding while the system was still active and still plugged into him was the most damaging of all.

My heart aches to think of all the battles that my love had been forced to fight. At least my mission had been a self-imposed one for the good of the colonies. But Heero had been the only one who had been made to fight, both figuratively and literally.

And he still fights every single night. And it is every single night. He does not tell me much of what he sees. I love him, and he knows that regardless. But it is what he battles the most that worries me, and he refuses to tell me what it is.. I battled in that war just as much as he did. I have just the same blood on my hands, and the same blood coats Wufeis, Trowas, and even Quatres as much as we hate to admit it.

But he holds his locked up tighter than mine. He accepts the comfort, but never the gentle questioning. Even when his dreams are not as violent and do not wrack his body, he is just as exhausted as me, having to replay everything in my mind over and over again.

I sat up and stretched my shoulders; they popped through not being used in what feels like forever now. It has only been a few months since that ridiculous pompous Christmas 'celebration,' but I think I am sliding into domesticity now. But living with Heero was a constant reminder of the year that I had lost him. Our life was so similar to this during the post-war peacetime, that I cannot help but fear what comes next.

During my weekly sessions with my psychiatrist I had brought up Heero's running. Not because I wished therapy upon him, but more that I wanted to be able to help and heal him myself. This particular psych was one that Hilde had found for me. Dr Willow specialised in helping soldiers, and our talks had definitely helped to soothe my mind, even if I hadn't told her everything yet. But perhaps having someone in my life who was impartial had been good for me.

Her insight into Heero's behaviour suggested that he had a form of complex PTSD and likely some other diagnosis. It was all she could offer due to doctor-patient confidentiality, and the fact that she would only know for certain if she had time to evaluate him. She had recommended therapy and likely a pharmaceutical solution though. I had laughed at that, though she had not understood why. I knew that Heero would never come to a session like this, willingly at least. Any medication that she would prescribe would likely not have any effect on him due to the drugs they had pumped into him as a child. So try as she may, Heero was perhaps a lost cause for her. Secretly I wished that if he did choose some psychiatric help, that it wouldn't be with her.

I had talked to Heero about what she had said, but he had just shrugged it off saying that all he needed was a mission to survive and that that mission had been me. However, I could tell that he was not overly enthusiastic about being discussed in my sessions. And after that, I had never mentioned him during therapy. And I never told Heero what was said during them, even though I was trying desperately to help. A little tick in the back of my mind thought what if I am not here to protect, then what?

The clock across the room flashes with its little green light, reminding me of all the sensors and lights in the cockpit of Deathscythe. The numbers read 3:00. He had been out running for over an hour now. And I had been lying here staring into space for an hour now myself, thinking constantly about my Japanese lover.

L2's current environmental systems had mocked European weather patterns in an attempt to allow humans to grow accustomed to living in outer space. The mock senescence mimicked Earth. It would cool in the evenings where they would lower the lighting, and occasionally they sprinkled water in an attempt to reduce the amount of space dust in the atmosphere which clogged filters and caused respiratory issues. All in all, seasons were a curated masterpiece on the colonies. This evening was colder than usual as they simulated a rainy winter night. I groaned in the realisation that Heero had likely not worn any suitable clothing even though I pretty sure he knew what this simulated weather would be tonight.

Giving up on returning to sleep without Heero, I stood slowly and reached for one of Heero's plush dressing gowns. It smelt like him, and that was a comfort. Settling on creating a pot of mint tea, I headed over to the kitchen. It was unlikely that I would be able to fall asleep until he returned. Though memories made me worry if he would even return at all.

As the water boiled I glanced around our understated apartment. We could have fancier digs than this with all our appropriated OZ funds but we chose to live our life here on L2 in quiet solitude.

It was small, though it had two bedrooms each with on suit bathrooms in case we had any visitors. Still, that was a rarity. So now the guest room had become a room where Heero would perform his daily workout routines with weights, hoping to rebuild all that was lost in the year before. He hadn't shared much of what had happened in that time, but he had definitely taken a beating, both mentally and physically.

The rest of the apartment is sparse with only the necessities. The open-plan aesthetic of the house gave us both a comforting easy line of sight. Something that I don't think either of us would ever be relaxed without. Material objects also didn't bother either of us. Him enjoying the utilitarian minimalism and I focused on just having a roof above my head for once.

I will admit that there are a significant amount of books on any surface. Turns out we were both avid readers, who knew. Most of the time it wasn't even worth having a television. Even if we did watch it, it was either my weekly terrible movie that we watched after my psychiatric appointment, or it was on in the background just showing the news quietly. I think we both used it as a form of escapism. Heero had an ever-growing pile of pre-colony science fiction where he probably scrutinised the technological fortune telling, and comparing it to what had indeed become of the future. Whereas I liked my fantasy. Worlds completely different to the ones that we live in today, worlds without mobile suits or dolls.

My favourite thing about the apartment is the windows. L2 had had some serious investment since the war. The Sweeper teams that had built the Peacemillion and Libra were granted a significant pay rise, and they were now working with various political delegations for the Mars terraforming project. So now there were tall, almost colony versions of sky-rise apartment blocks. They were trying to fit as many people into the colony as possible. Without the space to expand, instead, they just went up. The tower we just happened to live in had floor-to-ceiling windows on one side of the wall. Another line of sight that too was comforting. And I enjoyed watching the people below in a reminder of the peace that we had all worked so hard to give these people. We were only halfway up but we still received a mesmerising view.

I'm sitting on the couch in the dark now, gripping tightly to a mug of tea, and staring out of the window onto the colony below. The scent of the dressing gown is comforting. I couldn't tell you exactly what the scents were but they all reminded me of Heero.

It's another 30 minutes until the front door opens quietly. He kicks off his shoes and then turns the light on. It blinds me for a moment but I blink away the strain. He is soaked through, I figured as much. He'd worn nothing but jeans and a tank top. The adrenaline must have worn off as I watch him shiver now. He is surprised when he sees me here.

"How long have you been sitting there?" He pulls his saturated clothes from him, and immediately places them in the washing machine, leaving him only in his underpants.

"Not long 'Ro." I lied. "There's some mint tea just made on the side."

He grunts, his way as a thank you. I've learned through the years to understand what each one of his grunts means. Once I would pester him into talking more. But since we got together, and since the end of the war, there had been no need to say things that we could communicate with the ease of pure body language. He brings his own cup and sits down beside me.

"You're freezing!" I take off the dressing gown and place it over his quivering frame. It took a few moments for him to realise that what I had placed on him was one of his own.

"Do I want to know why you were wearing this?" He looks up to meet my amethyst eyes with his own cobalt ones, and I can feel the blush rising up my cheeks. Before I get a chance to answer he opens one side to invite me into the warmth. "I don't deserve you Duo."

I rest my head on his shoulder, feeling the temperature of his skin warm somewhat. Grateful that even in the state that he was in, he still knew the limits of his body and how it had changed since the war.

"I just – "I start, but fumble with the words, unable to find the right ones for that moment. "Just don't shut me out 'Ro. Okay. I need you to tell me what is going on inside that head of yours." I sigh, unsure of myself. Were they even the right words I needed?

"I'm going back to bed." I stand, silently walking to the bedroom door. "Are you going to join me? I could do with a cuddle." When I turn I see that special secret little smile of his grace his features. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

The smile stays on his face as he brings a hand up to slick back his damp hair showing off more of those majestic features. "I was just thinking…"

I cocked my head to one side inquisitively. "Thinking what?"

"Just how much I love you."